The Harland Highway - 639 - The USA needs to toughen up. Dating with farmers.

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

We discuss the shootings in Paris and the pros and cons of being a tougher country. Also, what's the deal with farmers and their dating habits? We find out today. Crop my dustmop!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, what's the matter with you? Hey, what's the matter with me? Welcome to the Harland Highway, ladies and gentlemen. Today we have an interesting show. We have some very diverse topics today. And out of the gate, I have to address this situation that happened in France, in Paris, the people that were mowed down in their eyes. offices and uh you know i felt like it it got under my skin and it's something worth talking about

it's something worth discussing so i'm going to share some thoughts on the whole topic with you um and maybe there's something there you'll like disagree with uh agree with love hate i don't know but it's just i think we've all been touched by this story i think it's it's all lit a fire in most of us i think it's it's kind of We've got our hairs up, and so it's worth talking. And then on the back end of the show, we're going to lighten it up, and we're going to be talking about the world of dating. The world of dating, and more specifically, the world of dating farmers.

What? That's right. There's a website specifically for farmers, and one of the pavement pounders tip me off. We're going to talk about it. It's all coming up. The yin and the yang right here on the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan. Funny stuff, bro.

Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience. Tense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Don't let me do it. I'll do it, I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. The Rotten Luck. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh boy, here we go again. another terrorist attack by Muslims, radical Muslims.

Somewhere in the world. Now it's in Paris, France. As you know, the cartoonists were shot down dead and cold blood. This coming after just weeks earlier, a Muslim extremist went into a coffee shop in Sydney and Australia. and held everyone hostage, and a bunch of people died there. This is on the heels of the Muslim extremists who went into a children's school in Pakistan and assassinated over 120 children.

This after a radical Muslim went into the parliament buildings in Ottawa, Canada and shot a soldier at a war memorial and started shooting inside the parliament buildings. This is coming after radical Muslims tried to kill as many people as they could at the Boston marathon, and the list goes on and on and on. And so you have to ask yourself, has World War III begun? We're dealing with a radical group, a sect of a culture that has basically declared jihad, which is Holy War, on the rest of the world. And I think for a while we were like, yeah, okay, Holy War, whatever.

We thought it was just kind of a figment of their imagination, a one-sided affair. But then you start making a laundry list. Oh, I don't know, 9-11. Remember that thing that happened? remember during the Clinton era when they tried to blow up the World Trade Center the first time remember the USS Coal, remember the African embassy, you start putting a list together

and you go, okay, what if all these incidents happened within the span of a month? I mean, good Lord, it would be World War, man. I think the fact that these incidents are spread out and I'm not even naming them all. There's the subway bombings in London. There's the double-decker buses in London. You know, there's the underwear bombers.

You know, I can sit here and probably put down 30 more examples of this. But I don't think we need to. But if you compressed all these activities into a month or even a year, you would be, holy God, we're at war. We're being killed. Oh, did I mention the people, the American citizens and British citizens beheaded on camera and put on the Internet? Oh, I don't know if I mentioned those. And I don't know.

You know, I'm watching the news. I'm watching CNN. I'm watching Fox. I'm watching MSNBC. And I'm seeing a president who seems to be taking it real casual. Like when Bush, when 9-11 happened, whether you like George Bush or hate him, and before you get into it, Tizzy, I'm a neutral guy. I'm a middle guy. I've said that many times on this. I watch people and select politicians based on their actions and their personalities and their commitment to what they're talking about.

okay so i don't want to make this a party thing but but i'm just telling you what i see i see when george bush uh you know went through the 9-11 thing after it happened here was a guy that got behind the podium and you can see the fire the outrage the passion in his eyes here was a guy that said you know asama bin laden wanted dead or alive here's a guy who stood on the rubble with a loudspeaker and said, we will get those who are responsible. Now, whether it's symbolic, whether it's theater, it's theatrical, it's, you know, choreographed, I don't know.

But at least to see a leader out there who's, you know, who's saying something, who's symbolically doing something. And I got to tell you for what it's worth when I watch George Bush, he looked fired up. You know, you can see when someone's, you know, got a fire in him. This isn't about whether you think he was smart or stupid or Iraq was wrong or right. I'm not talking with that. I'm talking about passion.

The passion of a leader. That's it. Leave all the politics and everything that's happened at the door. And here, what my point is, I'm looking at Barack Obama. And I don't really see the fire in his belly. And I've got to tell you, it's getting to me a little, man. And I appreciate, on one level, his approach to try and be calm and maintain a peaceful demeanor and not get panicked. But this situation is so inflamed now.

This situation, I think, ladies and gentlemen, if you look at world history, is calling for someone to have a little fire. in their... Screw that, a lot of fire in their belly. America, to me, in a way, feels like a flower shop. Hi, how are you today? Come on in. We've got some beautiful azaleas. Come on, Ann. Sure, what? Can I show you around? Everything smells great. Everything's... Everything's great. Peace and loved everybody. We're going to be okay. Have some daisies. It's got a little bit of that gentle, passive feel.

And I think we're almost at the point where we need someone to stand up and say, hey, this ain't fucking happening. You know, I almost wouldn't care if we got a new president that came in and pointed to the camera and said, nobody fucks with freedom. You don't fuck with the United States. You don't fuck with France. You don't fuck with the free world. you don't do it

because man it's getting tough out there man and when things get tough you gotta be tough and that that's part of life that that that's whether you're in your job as a school teacher or a janitor or a pilot

or you know when you get backed up against the wall you got a you gotta toughen up and push back if you don't push back you get pushed over and you get pushed down And once you're down, it's always harder to get up. And I'm getting a little worried that we're getting behind the ape ball here

because we're not, we're not scaring anyone when we don't react. And when I say we, we can, you know, we can march in the streets as a people. We can hold up candles and signs. But at the end of the day, we pay and hire and vote for the government to protect us, to protect our society, to protect the ways of freedom, not just American, but everywhere. And it gets a little scary when you start to think, man, is this guy watching my ass here? Is this guy watching our backs? Is this guy tough enough?

to kind of stop this crap from happening? It's almost like you ever go to a nightclub and there's a bouncer at the door and you think, you know, I'm going to act up. I'm going to be drunk and I'm going to be an idiot. And then you see this big fucking huge guy bald with a scar on his face. He's wearing a black dinner jacket

but his muscles are so big they're like pushing through the fabric. And all of a sudden you go, uh-oh, I better not. I better behave myself. And you've seen the guys. They'll get all cocky and go up to the bouncer. Hey, what do you know, man?

The bouncer just knocks them cold. Now, I'm not saying I want a lunk-headed, violent approach. Oh, I'm going to punch those people out, man. You know, I'm talking about an intelligent, crafted way to show the strength of the free world without not necessarily, you know, hanging people up and shooting them. I'm not talking about going that far,

but we need a smart, sophisticated way to stand up and say, whoa, that's it. This is the line. Done. No more of this crap. Because I think we're starting to become a society where at one point you're like, Oh, that's too bad.

Isn't that sad those people were shot? Oh, that's so sad that bus blew up. Those poor people at 9-11. Because you're like, these are just little pockets. The odds of it happening to me are, you know, very minuscule. But I think that's changing, man, that the web is starting to grow wider. The net is starting to grow wider. And, man, I just feel so bad for these people.

And it's just what's really more sad than the death and in the murders is the sad that the people perpetrating this stuff are so blinded by their beliefs and their self-righteousness and that their way is the only way and everyone else is an infidel. It's sad that they're missing the boat that we're all just on this planet together, man. We're all just human beings together. We all bleed, we all cry, we all pee, we all poop. It's, what are you doing?

What are you doing? What are you trying to accomplish? It's very sad, and I did a whole, It's interesting that this thing in Paris has fired up my emotions again, and I apologize if people are like, well, I'm just tuning in to hear comedy. Come on. Sometimes stuff just gets under your skin and you've got to get it out. So I hope you'll indulge me here for these 10 minutes. I get it.

I don't want to rant too much in your ear, but holy smokes. We're all just in it together. man. So I hope this stuff, you know, if it doesn't stop, if people don't see that this is wrong, and it doesn't look like they do, it doesn't look like it's slowing down, it looks like it's escalating. And my point was it feels like any of us could go out now on the street now, and I think everyone in the back of their head these days are looking around a little more.

and checking what they're saying a little more and wondering when they go to the mall. They're starting to look at each other a little more suspiciously, and maybe secretly we're all racially profiling a little bit more. And is that any way to live? It's getting scary, and is this World War III? It's kind of snuck up on us. World War III?

I don't know. I don't know. It feels like you might have to call it what it is. You know? I'm not trying to ramp everything up, but what's the reality here? I already gave you a laundry list of stuff. And a lot of it's happened in the last year.

A lot of that list I may just happen in the last year, whereas before, you know, I can space it out, you know. The attack on the USS Cole was separated by the attack on the American Embassy in Africa. The two twin tower attacks were spaced out by many, many years. But now we're talking almost monthly, if not weekly. So you do the math. If this keeps going, if this keeps ratcheting up, what are we looking at two years from now? Every week?

Every day? I don't know, man. We're all just people. We're all just people who want to wake up, be happy, go to sleep, repeat. We're like shampoo. Apply, scrub, rinse, repeat. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes?

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offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. To put inject all this stuff into it is just crazy. So there you go. I'm going to end it right there. Rest in peace to those poor people in Paris. And there's a whole other side to this story too is, well, there's consequences for what you do. You know, we look at the movie, the interview about Kim Jong, and then we look at these guys doing cartoons of Muhammad.

And it's like, hey, well, they did it. They did the movie. They did the artwork. There's consequences. You know, if that was the attitude, no one could say anything about anybody or anything. Because you're always going to ruffle people and irk people. And is that emotion any different than making a person laugh or smile or feel sad or happy?

It's all just a big pool of emotion. So I don't know. I don't know the answer. but, man, it feels like maybe we need a freaking dirty hairy Clint Eastwood president up there scaring people, letting them know that this ain't going to fly anymore. Something to think about with the upcoming election. And again, whether it's a Democrat or a Republican or someone fresh and new, you might want to factor in the tough guy factor.

Okay? You might want to just factor in. Times are a change it. We're stepping through a new doorway where we might need that big bouncer guy to kick a little ass and put a little order back into things. As barbaric and primitive as that sounds. What's your answer? You want to sit down with everyone? You want to invite them into the flower shop and have a little circle?

You want to people do some sensitivity training? Yeah, right. Hard to do that when you've been beheaded. anyhow food for thought just uh me talking out loud and uh it's tough it's tough to have to go through this but uh rest in peace to the uh the people that were murdered the cartoonist and anyone else caught in the crossfire that poor cop out on the sidewalk hands up begging for his life they just shot him in the head wow and so the the world keeps spinning man let's hope we uh we find uh the right people to put in place to uh protect everyone

because if not it becomes the wild west and everyone's just out protecting themselves and then man look out all right enough of this thanks for indulging um and uh let's let's get back to some wackiness. That's the beauty of humor. That's the beauty of the cartoon world. Is it offsets all this horror and violence and ugh. You know

you gotta just shut it up. You got to lighten the load with some humor. Now if only, if only I knew how to be funny. Oh boy. Hello? Hello?

Hi, Harland. It's Anna in Florida. I was just baking cookies, and the TV was on, and there's a commercial about Farmersonly.com, and I know there's something really funny there. You don't have to be lonely at Farmersonly.com. I just don't know what it is. Maybe you can figure it out and tell me about it. Okay, thanks, bye. Where's Jill?

She's really lonely, and I'm worried. Walk in the cornfield again. Do you think they will ever farmistry love? Not hanging out with us all day. We used to be lonely. Until we met on Farmers Only.com is the new online dating site for farmers, ranchers, and good old country folks. You don't have to be lonely at farmers only.com. City folks just don't get it.

Where's Jill? She's really lonely. She's out walking. to cornfield again. I think she's having a gang bang with the scarecrow's. Um, come on. Are we supposed to believe that farmers, when the woman folk aren't churning butter and shearing sheep

and, uh, you know, putting apple pies out on the window ledge, are we supposed to believe that they're depressed and wandering through rows of corn? Maybe this is where children of the corn came from. You know, you got your lowly housewives. You know, they got nothing else to do. I'm depressed. I'm going to go wander through the corn. Boy, that scarecrow sure looks good.

Next thing, you know, we got children of the corn everywhere. Margaret, your kid has clothes on, but I don't see any fleshbone, muscle, or tissue underneath the clothes. So, you got a problem? He's a child of the corn. Lay off. And, oh, us city folk, we just don't get it. We don't get it.

No, no, no, not us city folk. What's there to get? We all have primal urges to make love and have sex and court the opposite sex and be intimate and have sexy at all time. What's not to get? Remember, these farmers traditionally had a lot of kids because farmers had to breed so they could guarantee that the farm kept going, right?

So they'd make out like monkeys. Every night was sexual intercourse night down on the old farm. They had to make sure they had farm hands. So I don't know. Us city folk just don't get it. What, we don't get people live out in farm country? I don't understand how those farm people do it. What do they?

How do they make love? Do they do it on the back of the tractor? That's like saying, oh, country folk just don't get a city folk. You know, when we get depressed, we wander around in factories. We shovel slag down at the steel plant when we get depressed. You know, we can't walk through corn, but we go down and shut. shovel slag at the steel factory. Huh? Hey, we're all just people. I mean, come on.

I mean, it is a bit weird, though. You're confining, you're confining the dating world just to farmers. I mean, aren't these farmers going to blueberry festivals anymore or strawberry festivals or square dances? What happened to the old square dance, man? There's still barns out there in the country. Why aren't they gone to the square dancing? Like meeting a haughty at the old square dance. Oh, I'm a farmer and I watch porn. Let's get naked in the corn.

I'll show you things that I have learned. I'll stick you where the sun don't burn. Hey, d-d-d-l-d-l-k. Okay, enough. Enough, stop it. But, you know, maybe that's a tradition that's kind of gone out the window. Now that even farmers, don't be deceived. Farmers have internet and satellite and some of them have automated robotic tractors

where they don't even have to drive them anymore. Don't feed us this pardon the pun horse shit that farmers are still out there, you know, chugging along and bailing hay and, you know, the farm industry has become quite modern. I mean, you know, a John Deere tractor, are you kidding? Have any of you been on a modern farming vehicle? These things are like decked out like Rolls-Royces. They have the inside, let me tell you how it used to be. You'd sit on the metal seat and you'd be out in the open

and you'd be chugging through the dust and the flies and the cow manure stink and the sun's burning your skin and the rain's pelt in your face. Are you kidding? You should see these John Deers. Now, these things are like $300,000. They're more than a Lamborghini. You should see the cab. You're up on a big cushy seat.

You got air conditioning, heating, you got sound systems. You think I'm joking. Go online. Go online and go to a John Deer or an International Harvester website. And I'm sure, just like any car dealership, you'll be able to go on a virtual tour of the inside of the tractor. Take a look, man. These things are pimped out. Pimp my dear.

Forget pimp my ride. Pimp my deer. Holy crap, man. These guys are riding in luxury. And take it, well, you're there. Take a look at the price tag of these mofos. Hello I think this whole notion

that farmers are Hicks and you know they're out there Dayton in the cornfield is a bit of a myth now that being said there is an urban level to

to the farm community I've been out there I've seen it there is the space there is the mindset of the farmer You know, you've got a, you've got to woo a woman. You've got a court, a girl, just like any other, any other place, a geographical place. You've got to take them out on the date. Well, hey, Sandy, I sure hope you like it here.

I'm so glad you agreed to come out to dinner with me tonight. This sure is a nice restaurant, isn't it, Sandy? Oh, well, I don't mind if you get the big chattie twirl. I mean, after all, it is Arby's. Would you like some potato tots with that, too, and some horsy sauce? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot Fred the horse was your friend. I apologize. Would you like some juice or some what?

You just want everything they got. Well, you are a pig. I don't know. And the square dance is a thing that, you know, it's an interesting dance. If you get a chance to watch a dance on YouTube or something, it's a very, there's a real warmth to square dancing, because here's what square dancing does.

Unlike the way we live in society now where everyone's a germaphobe, no one wants to touch anybody, no one wants to be near anybody, no one wants to know anybody's business, nobody wants to be around their neighbors. A lot of people don't even want to be around their friends anymore. Square dancing was a very communal thing

in a simpler time when people were simpler and maybe the morals were a little more abided by. And square dancing is a communal dance where country folk would gather in a barn and they'd all come together and they'd have to hold hands and they'd have to doceido in and they'd have to dance in unison together.

They'd have to choreograph stuff. They'd have to work together. They'd have to switch partners. take your partners switch them around pull down their pants and smack their bum you know that type of stuff and uh you know there was just a real neighborly uh community community feel to the square dance and maybe we need that back in our lives now maybe a city folk maybe it should be a government mandatory thing that we have to we have to square dance um you know just so people can stay connected to one another.

Maybe that would solve all the problems I was talking about earlier in the show. Maybe all the jihadists, we send them to Square Dance School. Swing your jihadists round and round. Give him a shotgun and twirl them down. Now you've got him. Don't dance too long. Under his clothes, he's strapped with a bomb. Oh, my God.

He's got such charm. He's going to blow up the fucking farm. Ding-de-l-de-l-l-de-l-l-de-l-l-l-l-a-l-l-l-a-l-l-you- know, this type of thing. Maybe it helps bring people together. You get jihadists dancing with Christians, dancing with Jews, dancing with Muslims, dancing. You know, everyone square dancing together. Touching, feeling, laughing, commuting together. maybe square dancing the world's round but let's make it square yeah right um so anyways great phone call thanks for calling in uh farmers dating farmers dot com whatever their little thing is

you don't have to be lonely at farmers only dot com you don't have to be lonely um so there you go good luck out there and if you If your farmer's listening, I know I'm having a little fun at your expense, you know. But, you know, it's kind of a cartoony thing. I actually love farming. I love farmers. Part of my childhood was spent growing up on a farm. There is something magical and chanting about a farm. It's a lot of hard work, but it's, there's something about it that's an honest, honest, you know,

really, I don't know, sincere type of work. It's very organic and wholesome in a way. So there you go. City, folks, just don't get it. Yeah, we don't get it. But we do get it is that it's the end of the show. I know, so sad. Just when you were getting your feet tapping

and you're feeling like a bacon sandwich. Sorry, sorry, Cindy. Sorry. So we covered a couple of interesting topics today. We went from the sophisticated world of the terrorist and the delicate nature of the balance of the planet of civilization to square dancing in the farmhouse. And like I said, maybe we need to return to some. basic roots reconnect with who we are

as when you think of the square dance as a community, think of the whole planet now as a community. Maybe we need one global day where it's just a giant square dance. Oh boy. All right. So, hey, let's do some announcements before we get

out of here. Check out Harlowilliams.com. Go to the store. I got a new video up. When you go into the store at Harlewilums.com, you'll see you'll see one of the items is a F-off t-shirt. And I put a new video in there so you can actually see the magic t-shirt working. It's a hilarious t-shirt. It's a bunch of discombobulated letters.

And when people ask you what they say, you literally fold the t-shirt up and it spells the words F-off. And I have a new demo video there so you can kind of see what you're getting. And people love this shirt. You're going to love it. I'm telling you because, you know, this podcast is about laughter and this shirt will make you and your friends laugh. I guarantee it. So check it out.

Check out other stuff in the store of one new hand-drawn t-shirt in the store. Those go fast. All kinds of stuff. If you want to write me, you can write me at harlomwilliams.com. If you want to call me, leave a voicemail like our farmers.com friend did. Thank you, by the way, for that. 3-2-3-739-433-30 3-2-3-7-39-4-3-30

and that number is on the website as well go to my YouTube page on the website you can subscribe there's a little button at the bottom and there is a new video I posted it on the home page of my website it's called bratty kids and this thing I think it's on the verge of going viral People are watching this video like crazy because it's so ridiculous.

Check it out. It is mental. It'll either make you laugh or it'll repulse you, one or the other. It's a minute long. It's on the homepage of my website, harloweems.com. It's a mother and her two kids, and I'll leave it right there. Enjoy that. But subscribe to the YouTube channel so that every time I put up a new video,

like that, you are the first to see it. It'll come right to you. No charge, no gimmicks, no nothing. Also, check out my stand-up comedy schedule. Well, you are at the page. I will be at Flappers. Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California, this weekend, January 16th and 17th. It's going to be great.

Right in downtown Burbank, there's all kinds of restaurants. You can go to dinner. You can have dinner at the club. uh two shows friday two shows saturday flappers um and then the following weekend i'll be in atlanta georgia uh at the improv in atlanta georgia that's january 22nd through the 24th that's thursday friday saturday and uh we are going to have a blast out there um and uh we'll keep you posted on more stuff as it comes right now, but yeah, that's

it. I think that's all we got. Don't forget my app, Philopio. You can find that on the home page of the site. Banned from Apple. It's a great little app video game. You will have hours of fun with this thing, if not years.

So check it out, man. Check it out. And I believe that's everything, man. Thanks for being Happy New Year, everybody. We're just getting started. Let's hope it gets better and not worse as we go along.

No more of this madness in Paris. These poor souls that lost their lives from terrorists. Ridiculous. Go forth, go forward, do good things. Square dance. Get out in square dance. And until next time, chicken. Shao-Mey!

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from where you are pick on the next one by your side you're side yes when the house and it's close in the house and gone again and bring the

Thank you.