The Harland Highway - 641 - Major TOM DOWDY calls in to discuss the military. The question of the day.

Episode Date: January 19, 2015

The Question of the day involves good old hard cash. Also, Major Tom Dowdy calls in to discuss crying on the batttlefield and POW torture. Swamp my clomp!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. A beautiful day in the neighbor, won't you be mine? Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the neighborhood. The neighborhood of the Harland Highway podcast. Yes, good to have you here. I am Harland Williams, and why am I to hang on? Let me slap myself.

There, there, I'm back. Okay, I'm out of that weird voice. Ah, good to see you, gang, or, you know, talk to you, or whatever we're doing. communicating somehow. Welcome to the show. Today, interesting show. We got some letters, I should say some phone calls from some pavement pounders. I believe Roger told me we're going to be getting a call from Inspector, Corporal, Left Lieutenant, Colonel Tom Dowdy from Camp Pendlington, down in Southern California.

We're also going to be taking a very interesting question of the day that revealed a lot of things. It opened up my eyes to something that I didn't know. I didn't realize, and I think it might open your eyes up to something you didn't know either. So some kooky fun stuff today. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for being here. Put your seatbelt on. Strap in.

This is the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough.

He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway.

You're all going to experience intense. Mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're new around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, here it is. Here it is. people have probably all experienced this. The question of the day is, how come sometimes when you buy stuff, you hand the clerk or whoever's working the counter or whatever, a $10 bill or a $20 bill or whatever you have, and they take the $10 bill and they go, from 10? or they take the $20 bill and they go, From 20?

Why do they have to state that? Why do they have to say from 10, from 20 or whatever the denomination is? I see what I handed you. It's right there. The number 20, let me pull a 20 out of my wallet right now. Let me tell you how many times the number 20 appears on the $20 bill. Let's see. There's one in the right corner, there's one in the left, there's one in the bottom, there's one in the bottom.

There's four number 20s on the front of the $20 bill, and in case you don't know what a number is, right down on the bottom right, it says in big fat letters, $20, and then I turn the bill over on the back. there's two small 20s in the top corners. In the bottom left corner, there's a bigger 20. And then in the middle, it says $20 twice the size it was on the front. And then here's the kicker in the bottom right corner. And I don't know why, probably for counterfeiting purpose. There's a giant 20 in a bubble.

It's the biggest 20 of all. It's even in a different font. so that's 8 20s, the number 20, and oh wait, on the front, one of them is in gold. The one on the bottom right is in gold. Everything's green and white on the $20 bill, but hallelujah, the 20 on the bottom is gold. So of course your eyes are going to be driven to that. So there's 820s, the number 20, and there's 2, where it says 20 in writing.

Oh, wait, and there's another one. I just missed it. It's in the middle of the bill, okay? It says the United States of America, and then there's a government seal, and then underneath the government seal, it says 20. Oh, wait.

minute and underneath the government seal that says the word 20 very faded again just for counterfeit purposes there's a faded kind of wiggly version and it says 20 underneath it it's just very faded but you can see it hold it to the light and you can see it in fact I'm going to hold this up to the light and see if there's any hidden 20s oh my god oh my god oh my god hold the phone. This changes everything. Wow. I didn't see this until I held it under the light. And this is for real. You can go and get your 20. This just seals the argument right here. This is unbelievable. Okay. On the back of the $20 bill is a picture of the White House. Okay. It says the United States of America, God we trust, there's a picture of the White House.

and there's the White House and there's some trees on either side but when the picture stops there's just blank space and in the blank space and I guess this is for counterfeit reasons there are little tiny yellow

and I didn't even notice this before until now there are little tiny yellow 20s floating in the air they're falling like snowflakes or or or or raindrops It's raining the number 20

It's like the count from Sesame Street Went up into a cloud And he's pissing Piss yellow 20s all over the world It's crazy I can't even count them all Let me try and count one side One two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine

Ten, eleven, twelve, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, sixteen, eighteen, nineteen, sixteen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, ten, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, I can't even do it. There's probably, I don't know, close to fifty, sixty, 120s raining from the sky. This is most peculiar, okay? So now there is,

I started with 820s, now, and then I went up to 8, I went up to 1020s with the one under the seal and the faded one, but then when I went to the back, there must be almost 100 of the number 20

on a $20 bill. So I'm assuming for every other bill that we have, the 10, the 5, the 1, the 100, the 50. I'm assuming they got the same treatment. So my question is, with so many numbers on the bill, why does the clerk have to say, from a 20? Yes, I know it's a 20. I'm well aware.

I'm almost a hundred times aware it's a 20. Okay? You don't need to say it. When I order a cheeseburger at McDonald's, they don't have me the cheeseburger and go, From a dead cow? Okay? When you buy a roll of toilet paper at the store,

the clerk doesn't go to wipe your dirty ass? Okay? You don't buy condoms And the clerk goes To power slam your girlfriend tonight? Ah! You get a power slammer? Ah! Okay? I don't know why I'm so upset about it.

I just find it odd and peculiar. We know what it is. It's not like I'm handing you some hieroglyphics from Egypt. You know, I don't know what this is. Could you please tell me? And you go, from an ancient tomb? of King Tutakam Kikana-Mocca? First ruler of the pyramidal

Flaikloin'la? Slinkler? Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. So, the question of the day is, as I've said, when you hand, store clerks your money, why do they have to go

from a 10, from a 20? The Harland Highway. Question of the day. Hello Holland Eric from San Diego Hey I had a great idea for your Oh man I love that character

Sergeant Major Whatever his name is But if he calls you again Or you know You call yourself It would be funny If he was a prisoner At war again

And said that he had Bamboo shoots shot up his fingernails while a bamboo was eating his toenails. I don't know. That's funny. Isn't it? Okay, bye.

Well, Eric, I got some bad news for you. No, it's not funny. Okay, and here's why, because I think you made a technical error here. You said he's getting bamboo, shoved up his fingernails, well, there's a bamboo eating his toenails.

You do know that bamboo is a plant, right? While a bamboo was eating his toenails. See, what I think you meant to say, Eric, is he's getting bamboo shoved up his fingernails while a baboon, which is a monkey, was eating his toenails. That somehow works Unless I'm wrong here

And you really wanted him to have bamboo up his fingernails Well a bamboo plant was eating his toenails Eric That's funny Isn't it I'm not sure Eric maybe to a panda You know pandas that's all pandas eat is bamboo You can look it up Google it

That's their diet Pandas eat bamboo I'm sure the panda community Would be rolling on the floor if someone was getting bamboo shoved up their fingernails and some bamboo was eating their toenails. But I think you meant baboon, Eric. And even then, I'm not sure if that's funny.

That's funny. Isn't it? I don't know. I guess anything could be funny, but let's hear what everyone else has to say. Hello? Hello. Harlan, I think the only way we're going to get an answer about whether or not soldiers cry in battle

is if you give your good friend Scoutmaster Dowdy a call, then we will all know the truth. Well, okay, it sounds like, Roger, it sounds like people, it sounds like people want to hear from the lieutenant field commander, staff sergeant, French lieutenant, scoutmaster, Tom Dowdy, Colonel, Colonel, General, um, Space Station Commander Tom, Tom Dowdy. Do you, can you get, do you want to get them on the phone? Okay, well, I don't, I don't know that I like talking to this guy, Roger,

because he's, he's a little intense. But, you know, my, my, my listener's, speak, the pavement pounders speak, and it sounds like they have questions. All right, get them on the line, folks. Roger's going to bring them up, and let's see what's going on with French lieutenant, Colonel five-star General Tom Dowdy. This is a lifetime military man who worked down at Camp Pendlington. and he was immersed deeply into all areas of the service and did tours of duty.

I believe according to him, he was in Vietnam, amongst other places. Just a vast... What? You've got them on the line? Okay, let's... Oh, here we go. Put them through right now, Rod. Yeah, patch him through.

Hello, are you there, sir? Hello? Yes, is this Tom, Commander Tom Dowdy? Yes, civilian. This is Commander, Lieutenant Corporal Tom Dowdy from the U.S. military, formally stationed at Camp Benlington, just north of the great city of San Diego, California, sir. How are you? We're doing great, Commander Dowdy. Just a pleasure to have you on the line. Thank you very much. Thank you for calling in. It's a good day to be an American.

No doubt, sir. No doubt. Now, we have some people that called into the show here, and they were curious about, why don't we start with one of them wanted to know, you know, in these movies, these American movies, I had brought this up on another show. Yes, sir. That a lot of the soldiers, they always portray them as crying on the battlefield.

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Pussies. I'm sorry, sir. Pussies. Straight up, pussies. Let me tell you something, civilian, when I commanded my platoon in Vietnam, if I saw one of my men crying, you know what I'd do?

I'd make them strip down naked, stand up to his knees in swamp water in a rice paddy field. Well, what was the function of that, sir? Because I'm not going to have a full-grown American soldier in my platoon, crying like he just sucked on a bag of Spanish onions. Well, everyone has emotions, Commander-Lutnant Captain Brady. Well, not in my platoon, okay? Soldiers should be hard as nails and fucking tough as an Oklahoma shithouse, okay?

I'm not going to sit around and have one of my boys crying like he just sucked the meat off of a fucking Spanish onion. Do you hear me? Well, sir, I mean, the war is a... a very emotional. Unless you're sucking the inner rings out of a Spanish onion. I don't want to see tears coming out of your eyes. If you do it in my platoon, this is what happens. I'm almost afraid to hear this French lieutenant commander corporal.

Well, you're going to hear it, civilian, because you phoned me. I did not phone you. Let's make that very clear. I did not phone you. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough, sir. Here's what happened if you cry in my plet down, and some of my soldiers, if they're still alive, can attest to this, okay? Absolutely, sir.

I would take my soldier if he was going to cry like a little fucking schoolgirl. Sir, again with the language. I apologize. I do apologize. I apologize from the bottom of my black heart. Sorry, sir? I said, I apologize from the back of my black heart. um okay sir i guess we'll take that

i would take my crying schoolgirl soldiers and i would put them knee deep in a rice paddy field full of swamp water and what was the purpose of that is that a punishment for the crying let me finish civilian let me finish you have a way you have a way of speaking up when you're not spoken to now i am a commander

left-inand-in colonel with the United States Army, and I would prefer that if you wait to talk until you've been talking to... What was that, sir? I'm asking you not to talk until you've been taken to. I think what you're... What I'm telling you, son, is when I want you to speak, I'll ask you to spoke when I've been speaking to, okay? Are we clear?

I guess so, sir. Now, you were saying you put your crying soldiers knee-deep in swamp water and a rice paddy field stripped down to nothing. Why? Why was this done? I don't get it. Because if you're going to cry, you're going to cry for a reason. Here's what happened. They'd be standing there naked in the swamp water. And in that swamp water, there is a parasitic freshwater catfish called the Candiru. Have you ever heard of this? Have you heard of this civilian?

Somehow it's ringing a bell. Well, in case you're not clear, civilian, these are the little catfish that swim up a man's uretha. What? These are a species of catfish that swim up a man's urethole. Good God, are you for real? Look it up on Wikipedia, civilian. Look it up.

One thing I don't do And you better get to know this Is I don't bullshit around the corner Like so many of your other friends Well, I don't know that you know my other friends, sir I can tell by the tone In your voice, civilian That you probably live in the middle

Of bullshit County USA All right Now wait a minute, that's not Can I finish my story Are you gonna keep bullshit Well, sir I got my men The crying men

If I can call them Man, I'd rather call them fucking girls or pussies. All right, big, fat, shaved purple pussies. Sir, please. That's what they are to me. They might as well be a vagina on legs, a six-foot vagina with little stumpy legs, like a cartoon character. Sir, this is, can we get back to...

I know, the rice paddy swamp. So I'd put these crybaby pussies out in the rice paddy swamp, and I would order them at gunpoint if I had two civilian. I would order them to lay down in that water with just their head sticking out. And it was just a matter of time until they had to urinate.

Maybe it took half an hour. Maybe it took two hours, but eventually when you're sitting around in stinky Vietnamese or rice paddy water, eventually you're going to have to fucking piss like a striped badger

licking an ice cream cold. What? What was that? Are you going to let me finish or do I have to come over there and stuff it on you down your pants? Sir, I don't know. See, this is where you kind of go off. Eventually, when my crybaby pussy soldiers start to urinate, here comes the candiru. Okay, these things can smell urine in the water like a great white shark and smell a woman's period halfway to Hawaii. Okay, come on now, sir These candiro come out from the mud

They come out from the rice strands And they smell that golden piss And they make a beeline Right for the honey hole In the tip of a man's mushroom cap Whoa, well, sir I told you you can look this up on Wikipedia These are real fish

They are small parasitic fish And when they smell that bucket girly pussy if you're They swim right up that hole And they wiggle their way up Into a man's manhood If you know what I mean Are you saying that these fish

These small little catfish swim Right up the The Pissole Sir, to your mind Let's call it what it is civilian It is a piss hole There ain't nothing that goes in and out of that thing

That ain't piss Unless of course you're having fun with a horse Stop, sir. Please. So this, this, this, uh, this. The candiru smells the urine. It's attracted by the smell. It, it sees the submerged penis.

God, I can't even believe I'm talking about this. It swims up into, into the uretha of a man's penis. That's exactly right. And what does it do up there? Well, let's just say it's little fins, like most catfish have, have spikes in the side of them, okay? So once it gets up into that uretha nice and deep, it sticks out its fin and it sticks itself into the lining of the uretha so it can't be pulled out. And once it's anchored itself up there, it starts eating the soft, tender flesh of the scrotum. Okay, sir.

I'm not making this up, civilian. If you have a problem with this, maybe you should have called someone else. Maybe you shouldn't have called my private line. Maybe you should have called your gynecologist, because you sound like a hell of a lot, like a purple puffed-up pussy right now. Would you stop with the puff-p-p-uh? You can't even say it, civilian. Stop with the puffed-up pussy references, sir, if you don't mind.

This is sort of a family show. Well, if you can't take reality soldier, I mean civilian, if you can't understand what me and my men had to go through to stand up for the rides of this country, to stand up with a ride for a man like me to be able to save swollen purple pussy, that you're missing the whole point of combat. Well, sir, as much as I want to argue with you on that, you're right. you're right on that point thank you very much

thank you very much sir what is with the deep breaths I'm sorry yeah you just keep making these deep breaths it sounds I hate to say this but it sounds like you're on the toilet

all right civilian that's about enough out of you now you asked me if a soldier should cry in the battlefield and I gave you the answer if you're going to cry in my platoon, I'll give you something to goddamn cry about. I'll put you in the rice swamps

and a catfish, the size of a knitting needle is going to swim up your glory hole. Start eating your nutbag from the inside out, and God damn it, you're going to cry, soldier. You're going to cry like a little baby on Christmas morning with a yogurt

dripped all over its fat little baby belly. Okay, I don't even get the connection to that, sir. question. I answered a civilian. Okay, well, what about Prisoner of War camps?

Is there any... A lot of people think that there was this myth that in the prisoner of war camps, people got bamboo shoved under their fingers and their toes eaten by monkeys and

baboons and whatnot? Well, let me tell you this. First and account. I personally as you know When I've talked about it on this show before And it's not easy I was a P-O-W I just got a piece of cheese curd

Stuck up in my throat Civilian You like cheese curds I like to eat them with my shirt off And my lazy boy I like a nice cheese curd I like it when it falls on my chest I think it's caught in my chest hairs.

Sir! Sorry, what was your question? I asked about the prisoner of war kept. Oh, yeah, that's right, the bamboo. Well, let me tell you something. I have had bamboo sliver shoved up under my fingernails, okay? I've had bamboo sliver shoved under my toenails. I've had bamboo sliver shoved into my eyelids,

and I've had bamboo sliver shoved into my eardrum. so there ain't much about bamboo that's going to make me freak out civilian. Okay, so what about did they ever use monkeys? Did they ever use baboons to eat the feet of POWs? I don't believe that they used baboons to eat the feet. That just never happened. I don't get it. Are you trying to be funny?

no no no this really wasn't a question for me because it sounds like someone's trying to be funny and I'll tell you right now if you want to tell me that a baboon eating a soldier's foot a prisoner war soldier's foot is funny I'll come over there and stomp you out like a Chinese cigarette butt

okay no sir it wasn't me this is one of my callers thought it would be funny and I didn't think it would be funny and now you're kind of confirming it. A baboon, eating a prisoner of war's feet, is about as funny as a licorice fart in a candy story. You're what I'm saying, civilian? I get it. I get it, sir.

It's not funny at all, and I hope this listener learned his lesson. A baboon, eating a prisoner of war's feet, is about as funny as Maryland. strep, plucking an ass hair from her fucking glow in the dark anus, okay? Okay, sir, you know what? Wow. Did you just say plucking an ass hair from her glow in the dark anus? You heard me right, civilian. Okay, sir, I think we got to end it right there.

Oh, okay, I see. Cut and run, just like the Vietnamese did, right? What? I hear you getting out of here. That's called retreat. And I don't work well with that word, civilian. Sir, it's not a retreat. We're running out of time.

I have to end the show here. All right. Well, just remember, you called me, okay? Let the fucking record show. And I know there's people listening. And I don't mean your listeners. I mean, there's people listening. People high up are listening.

And I want it for the record that you, civilian, hung up on me. I didn't hang up on you, you son of us. Now, sir, this shouldn't be such a big deal. I'm simply ending the conversation. Let it be stated for the record that the civilian hung up on me, because he's a pussy. I'm not a pussy. You're a six-foot pussy with a cartoon legs.

Your forehead's got a clitoris sticking out of it. Okay. Now I'm having Roger hang up on him. Good day, sir. Good day. Wow. what that see that's why i don't really i don't know if something went wrong in the jungle with him or what but it's a little

unsettling he's talking about forcing candiru's up as is is he gone good i mean i mean that was stuff that i i don't know that i ever needed to hear and don't ever want to hear again friggin ball eat grow to me eating catfish and six foot cartoon whatevs there you go pavement pounder thanks for your calls had to talk to that guy french corporal staff sergeant lieutenant tom dowdy and i think we better just leave it right there there's a lot of bad imagery in my head and i don't know if i can get through to any more show. So let's do some announcements here. Wow.

That's funny. Isn't it? No, but I'll tell you what will be funny, and I hope you guys can make it. I, yours truly, will be appearing at some stand-up clubs across the country, and I want you to have the opportunity to come out and see me. Okay, okay. Okay, so what are we doing? This weekend.

Oh, my God, if you live over in the South or the East or even if you want to fly from, you know, China. I will be in Atlanta, Georgia at the Improv, the Improv Comedy Club, Thursday, January 22nd through the 24th. That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And get your tickets online at Harlow Williams.com. And then the following weekend, this is going to be good. This is going to be good. I will be in San Francisco at a huge event called Sketch Fest, where there's hundreds and hundreds of comics from all over the world

who come together and partake in this festival. It's a sketch comedy and stand-up comedy festival all mingled together, and I'm going to be doing both. So I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy. comedy and sketch comedy on January 30th, which is the Friday, 7.30 at the Brava Theater in San Francisco. And then the next day at 4 p.m. in the afternoon, we are going to do the very first Harland Highway podcast live at the Eureka Theater. and that's Saturday, January 31st, Eureka, the Eureka Theater. So I don't know how it's going to go.

I'm a little freaked, but you know me. I like being freaked. We're going to be doing everything live in front of a studio audience. It's in a theater. It's just, I'm going to have a co-host. I might have some guests. It's going to be a lot of fun. fun so um come on out for that and uh just go online harlwilliams.com and you can uh see the various

venues that i'll be at i'm going to be doing a bunch of other shows around san francisco i think i have two or three other ones um that are going on so go to sketchfest uh com and look at their schedule and you can track me down but the two big ones are friday january 30th at The Brava Theater, 7.30 p.m. That's going to be stand-up and sketch comedy. And then the next day, 4 p.m. Saturday, January 31st, the Harland Highway podcast live. Unbelievable. And then as we move into February, this is going to be fun.

Yours truly will be in Orlando, Florida, at the improv in Orlando, Florida. That's February 5th to the 8th. And then, like, two, three weeks later, February 26 to March 1st, I will be in Brea, California, California at the Improbs. So doing a run of the Improbs, great clubs. Like I said, go to my website, Harlow Williams.com, click on the stand-up tour, and there are links that will take you right there. You can buy your tickets and get all the info. Oh, you need, man. So exciting stuff.

Don't forget to, if you have an Android phone to download the Philopio app, that's my new app that's a video game where you can shoot sperm before they get to the egg and make bad people like Saddam and Osama and Screech and Richard Simmons. People like that that maybe shouldn't have ever been made. I'm joking. I'm joking about Richard Simmons and Screech. of course. The other one's, eh, who needs them. What else can I tell you? If you want to write to me, you can always write to me.

I might read your letter on the show. It's harlomwilliams.com. You can go to the website and there's a contact form. I read and see all your letters, and, you know, when I do the listener mailbag, we might throw you in there. Or you can call me. If you're too lazy to write, just leave me a voicemail 323-739 4330 and I might get your voice on the show. I mean, look what happened today. A couple of cats called in about Inspector Gadget, Major Tom, Captain Kirk Dowdy, and lo and behold, the guy calls in.

It was like an answer to their prayers. So 3237394330, that number is on the website if you need it. Also, go to the website and I have a bunch of great things in the merchandise store. I have some digital downloads. If you go to the stand-up tour page, if you scroll to the bottom, you can download for $1.99, less than $2. uh crowd control volume three which is a great digital download of me interacting live at comedy clubs across the country with with hecklers drunks whack jobs weirdos it's all in the moment it's

all improvised nothing scripted and uh if you like that kind of thing if you like that live kind of in the moment stand-up comedy i think you'll really dig this for two bucks you can't go wrong right i mean you can't even buy a bottle of coke for two bucks these days so pour some comedy onto your brain and uh download it i think you'll really really dig it and look around the website there's all kinds of cool stuff in there um and that's it man we are done for today thank you so much for being here tell your friends spread the word get your friends on the harland highway don't hog it to yourselves And until next time, chicken, show me, baby.

That's funny. Isn't it?