The Harland Highway - 642 - AMERICAN IDOL auditions. Living without food. State of the Union address.

Episode Date: January 22, 2015

Today we are listening to American Idol auditions LIVE in studio. Comments about the President's State of the Union Address. Do you eat enough? Sun in my bun! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, I love you. Let me tell you my name. It's Harlem Williams. That's my name, and you are on my podcast. Well, it's your podcast. It's our podcast. Harlow Williams, Harland Highway. Welcome to the show, Flirtle Durgens and Blenargle Flaggans. Just a treat to have you along for the ride down the highway today. We are going to be doing some fun stuff. We're going to be talking a little bit about the president's state of the union address that he did recently talk about the tone of the country of the world Are these state of the union addresses

becoming a little outdated and old-fashioned Do they need to deal more with reality than deal with the old kind of old-school notion of the American apple pie world? I don't know. We're going to discuss. Also, it looks like I got a programming note. We're actually going to be doing some American Idol casting sessions today.

Some singers are coming in, and I have to judge if they're going through to the next round or going to Hollywood or whatever. I don't know why I have to do this. It comes from upstairs. So we got that. We're also going to be talking about when you don't eat, how does it affect your day?

How does it affect your life when you don't eat? I hope you eat this podcast because it's going to be delicious. This is the Harlan Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later.

How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime.

The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't that be doing. I'll do it, I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're never around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams.

We're rotten luck. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Heyo! Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. Good to have you on board. And I was going to start with talking about the President's State of the Union speech, but I've been informed by Roger, my producer, slipped me a text here that says we are switching gears, which I'm nervous about. Apparently, they want to. to do some American Idol auditions here today, live in the studio. I was not informed about this.

I am not really supportive of this. This is not my show. That's not what I do here. But that being said, I, you know, I have to go along with the programming here. And it's a bit confusing. It's a bit out of sorts. But, ladies and gentlemen, it comes from upstairs. They want us to do some American Idol auditions today.

So hopefully we can get through them quickly. We'll play them. We'll talk to the contestants. We'll hear a few people sing, and then we'll move through it and get back to more important things. Like the president's state of the union address, which I have some thought. about that I want to share.

Roger is the first contestant here, even? He is? Who is it? What are you talking about, a koala? Are you telling him, see, here we go, here we go. Are you telling me, and now he's holding it up. Roger's holding up a koala bear, and it is cute. I got to admit, that thing's adorable.

That thing is going to sing? Oh, this is ripe. This is real ripe. Oh, my God. All right, bring them in. Bring them through. Bring them around. Set them up.

I see we have a little microphone set up here on the floor. Oh, my God. Roger's bringing them around. Yes, put them over there up near the wall there, Roger. what are we doing about music you're going to hit the me okay roger's going to control the music from the booth and we got a koala here good lord okay so what what mr car i don't even know what what am i doing talking to a koala mr koala is that what i call you what oh my god

Okay, Mr. Cuala, what are you going to sing for us today in your audition? Did you just say Fergis Big Girls Don't Cry? So let me get this straight, okay, just so I'm clear. You're going to sing Fergie's Big Girls, Big Girls, don't cry. That beautiful ballad. That's your that's your American Idol audition.

A koala. Look, I don't know. Can koalas even sing? Why are we doing this? I can be talking about important things. Oh my God.

Okay, do you want to do an Acapellad? Do you want, do you want, do you want an accompaniment? Okay, I guess he wants some accompaniment, if that's how you say it. Oh, brother. Okay, well, give him the music, Raj, patch it in. And here we go, our second contestant, a koala. singing Fergie's big girls don't cry

can hardly believe we are doing this go ahead, go ahead, you're on give him the music here we go and go and

yeah and yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Okay, yeah, okay, okay, enough. Okay, okay, enough.

Stop, stop, I think we've heard enough. Stop. This really isn't working, okay? I appreciate you coming in. You're a koala. You're cute, you're cuddly. Your people love you. No, no, I said stop.

I don't think you're going to get put through, okay? Not this time, I'm sorry. Now, I don't know how to say this, but you need to leave, okay? You didn't make it. I'm sorry. Thank you for coming in, Kiwala, okay? Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, stop, get them out.

Stop the music, stop. Holy crap. That might have been the most annoying thing I've ever heard in my life. Now, I hate to be brutally honest here, Kiwala, but you suck, you blow. You get it You live in a tree You eat eucalyptus You got a little punched in face

You ain't no singer, okay? You ain't no Frank Sinatra Go back to Australia Eat some leaves Piss in the woods Whatever it is you do You weren't meant to sing Is it, are you kidding me?

We're doing American Idol And you guys send in a koala Get real for God's sakes. Wow. No, no. Go to a commercial right now. Go to a commercial right now.

I want them out. Out. Go to a commercial. I want them gone when we come. back commercial fresh is a walk through the woods on an early spring morning fresh is a gentle breeze that takes you by surprise fresh is simple with summer's eve the most convenient disposable douche you can buy this exclusive one-piece unit means there's nothing to assemble and it's available in two fragrances or vinegar and water the solution doctors recommend with summer's

Z, freshness has never been simpler. Because I want this chamber, I want this city to reflect the truth that for all our blind spots and shortcomings, we are a people with the strength and generosity of spirit to bridge divides, to unite in common effort to help our neighbors, whether down the street or on the other side of the world. I want our actions to tell every child. Well, there it is. I don't know if you caught the State of the Union addressed by President Barack Obama the other night. And, you know, it was interesting.

Watching it, there were beats that he had that kind of made you kind of get pride and proudful of the country. And there were beats where you felt like, oh, things are getting done. And there were beats where it's like, oh, everybody's coming together. And there were beats when we're taking care of the sick and the poor and the needy and the less fortunate. and there were beats when we were trying to, you know, manage all the conflicts on the planet. There were beats about global warming. And there was all good stuff, but I had this overall feeling. And I don't know if you share this or not, but this was my observation.

It felt like one of those kind of apple pie, all-American, root, root, raw, everything's great and we're the United States of America and I almost pictured like, you know, the 1950s where people are prating down Main Street and there's floats and there's flags and everybody's fine and rosy-cheeked and there's apple pies on the window ledges

and neighbors are holding hands and shaking hands and, you know, I just get a little worried that maybe those types of speeches, the kind that we heard, have seen their day. I think that, in my humble opinion, that the Internet, which has served a purpose to connect the world in many, many positive ways, It's also connected the world in many kind of evil ways. It's allowed the voices of those who would want to do good to get out to the rest of the world. But one of the byproducts that I don't know if we saw coming was it's allowed those who would want to put evil into the world to reach into everybody's lives. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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famous painter that did, you know, kind of got famous for painting iconic scenes of the boy in the barber chair and the boy painting the picket fence and the mother serving up apple pie. If you look up Norman Rockwell on the internet, you'll see these kind of all-American images that are beautiful and wonderful and conjure up kind of the American dream. But now I feel like the world, and I don't want to be pessimistic or negative, but I do want to deal with reality when you look around at what's going on out there, you look at people being beheaded and held for hostage and school children being shot and it seems like the violence and the comic book madness is being ramped up more and more by the day.

And it's a little startling, and here's my point. I almost wonder if we need a president to stand up there now and kind of abandon the apple pie approach and get real and say, man, this is a fucked up world. We got violent fucking people out there. We got chaos and we got Boko Haram and we got radical Muslims and we've got, you know, countries that are building weapons, arsenals, and we've got people hacking us,

and people that are trying to bring down our infrastructure. I mean, it's not the world ain't as rosy as it used to be. There used to be a time when all the Muslim radical stuff and all that used to be over there, and it was kind of contained to the Middle East for the most part. But now it seems to be spreading into Belgium and France and London. and Australia and Canada and the United States and it's like it's like when you break your windshield on your car initially there's a little dot and then all these veins starts to spider out

and it's starting to feel like I don't know if you've ever read any graphic novel comic books like the the Batman's or you know some of these these graphic comic books that paint a world where everything's just like a crazy violent people with guns in the streets and cowboy justice and dark characters lurking in alleyways and shadows and I don't know. I wonder if the whole root, root, raw, American apple pie speech has to change and really reflect the state of affairs that we see every day in the world. I'm not making this stuff up.

I'm not trying to conjure it up. I'm not trying to be negative. I hate being negative. But I also know we have to deal with what we see, what's reality. And it's, is it time for a president to just freaking call it like it is? And we're in trouble. And we got a, we got a, we got a, we got a button down for the big battle. And we got to, we got to, we got to obliterate our enemies.

and I don't know. I don't know what the answer is, but I feel like there's a certain phoniness now to the State of the Union addresses. And even after the State of the Union addressed, they put on a leader from the GOP from the Republican side, some woman who I've never heard of, and she literally looked like she stepped out of like 1942.

She had a hairstyle that looked like someone glued a wig on her head, And she was talking like, she was talking like she just stepped out of a Norman Rockwell penny. He goes, I remember when I lived on the farm with my father, and we had one pair of shoes, and we knew that life was hard. But here in America, if you struggle and you work hard, you win. It just sounds so old and dated. I feel like we almost need someone to go, you know what, we got a lot of motherfucking bullshit going on out there. And it's time for America to kick.

some ass and not take names or something. I don't know what the verbiage is, the language is, but I just feel like someone needs to ratchet up these speeches and start dealing with the fucking insane state of the world. Those are my nutty thoughts. That was one of the thoughts. I mean, on the positive side, I do like some of the very positive points that the president brought up.

And those are all good, but I don't know. Something felt like these speeches have to get a lot more, you know, I think we're all beyond the whole. And I know a family in Arkansas who has a son who got up out of a wheelchair and he went and played baseball, and that's the American dream. That's the American family. Because we don't quit. We're America.

It's like, okay, we've had that for a long time. The world's chain. We're in a more violent place. We're in a more precarious, dangerous place. I think we need someone who can deliver a speech that, I don't know, reassures us or puts the fear of God into those who would try to harm us. I don't know. I'm just saying I felt like something felt old and tired and familiar.

And whatever the languages we need to up the state of the union addresses, Our presidents need to stop acting like everything's so apple pie because it ain't. And I hate it that we have to deal with that reality. I really do. I hate it that we would have to change the speeches to reflect the times. But if you don't, you're just living in a dream world. You're living in a fantasy world. And I don't know.

I think you've got to deal with reality, man. So those are my thoughts. I don't know what you guys thought. But I thought there was some great stuff. and then stuff that just felt way too old and dated. What? Oh, God. We got to do another American eye.

Who is it? No way. Mr. Featherstone wants... Why is he doing it? Okay, this is my boss. Mr. Featherstone from upstairs wants to sing. American Idol. Good Lord.

Send him in. I can't say no to him. He's my boss. This is ridiculous. Send him in. Hello. Oh, God. Hello, I said.

Hello, hello, sir. Hello, who are you? Sir, I'm Harland Williams, sir. Hallie, Hallie Wally? Harland Williams, sir, you're on my podcast. You're prod prep. My podcast, sir. Plah, plah, plah.

Not a plah, sir, it's a podcast. Let me get this story. You're holly-wally, and you got a pler-plah. It's Harland Williams, sir, and I have a podcast. Wallywulu and a Flop-F-L-Luh. Sir? Look, I'm here to sing. I don't care who the hell you are.

I want to win this American Idol thing. Sir, I just don't know if this is for you. I mean, oh, you're going to tell me you're going to take away my dream from my four- and five-year-old kids? Well, no, sir. I'm doing this for my kids, okay? I got a little boy who's two years old and I got a little girl who's two and a half years old.

Well, wait, how does that work, sir? What does that mean? Well, how could you have a kid within six months? You need nine months. Don't you? Are you questioning my kids? No, sir.

I'm just, you nine, there's a nine month inubation period for, oh, look at you, Suddenly you're a professor from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang or something? What are you? Professor Caracchidus Z-Pots? What? What are you...

Do you remember the movie Chitty-chitty-bang-bang? Yes. Do you remember there was a character Caracchitis Z-Pots? Yes, he was the father who was a professor, and you think of him. No, I don't, sir. Are you going to let me sing? Yeah. Do I have a...

Choice, you're my boss. You're damn right I am. And as your boss, I have the right to ask you anything I want. Well, I guess so, sir. Have you ever farted... Have you ever farted into a bag full of kittens? What? You know, they got...

At the pet shop, they got kittens. What you do is you ask the attendant to put them all in a bag. That doesn't sound right, sir. Oh, it sounds all right when you fart on them. Right into the bag. Sir, you don't fart on kittens and you don't put them in a bag. I don't know what planet are you from?

Caracchidus A. Pots? I'm not perfect... Caracchidus Pots. Oh, God. You know what? Now I just want you to sing so I can get you out of here. You better watch your mouth or I'll fire you from your plod plop.

It's not a plod plop. Whatever you call it. Sir, it's a podcast. What song are you going to... sing. Oh, I'm going to sing a good one. Well, what is it? I ain't going to go to rehab. Oh, no, no. What? You know that song by Amy Winecork or whatever her name is? Amy Winehouse? Yeah, I ain't going to no rehab or whatever it is. Why would you sing that of all songs? Because I like to rock or roll. How about you? What do you like to do besides go downtown to those funny little

bars you go to. What funny little bars? Oh, how about the pink potato? How about that? The pink potato? Uh, what? Sir, would you just sing and get this over with? Well, maybe if you put the music on, I'd like some accompaniment here. Roger, give him some damn Amy Winehouse, whatever it is. Amy Winecork. It's... Just give him the music. Can you count me in? What? You know, three, two, one. Probably the way you count in, your guy friends, too.

Sir, I'm not. I don't have guy friends. Ah. Sir? Ah. Oh, God. Three, two, one. I ain't gonna go to rehab.

Oh, no, no. I'm not gonna go to rehab. I say, no, no, no, no. I like to have a drink with my buddies at the barbecue, and I'm not going to go to rehab. No fucking way. I'm not going to go. I'm going to have a drink with my friends out in the backyard and a hot dog.

And I have another one after I have the first one. because I'm not going to go. Sir, you know, I think you're not getting the words right. Shut up, I'm singing. You carpet muncher. Carpet muncher. You heard me. Shut up.

Oh, oh, play it right. Oh, oh. Where's the damn give me the lead in? Oh, I'm not going to go to rehab. No fucking way. I'm not fucking gone to fucking rehab. No fucking fucking way. Oh, sir, you can't swear on American Idol. I'm not going to fucking go.

I'm going to have a fucking jugger tequila, and you're not going to fucking make me go to rehab. Where's the music? Sir, I think you're done. Are you saying I won? You know what, sir? Maybe you have. Why don't you go, and we'll get you the results. Oh, okay. Well, I guess I didn't pretty good then, huh? Oh, you, you were great, sir.

You were really, boy, oh, boy, you were wonderful. Oh, well, you know, as if I didn't know that. Okay, sir, well, if you could just go wait out back. I bet you like to wait out back if I know you and your guy friends. Sir, would you stop it with the guy? You're insulting a lot of listeners. I bet you're probably insulting a lot of listeners. listeners if I know you.

Sir, please. I have to bring in the next contestant. All right, but I'm going to win. Howell, what's your name? Harlan. Yes, sir. I'm sure you'll win. I'm better.

Because I got a three-year-old and a three-and-a-half-year-old. I know, sir. All right. Where's the door? It's right there. You just came in it, sir. Don't snap at me. Professor Caracan.

pot why don't you go suck a chitty chitty bang bang DVD sir do you mind i'll see you later let me know what i win thank you sir oh my god roger this is i'm almost missing the koala right now all right let's move on what else we got roger god can i do i'm just going to do a personal story Would you turn the music off, please? Do you ever do this? Let's just get into something normal here for a second. You ever exercise or you ever start your day or you ever play sports? Or do anything like that and you forgot to eat?

You forgot to have a morning snack or a bacon and egg sandwich or even a cracker. you just do something on a completely empty stomach you got no fuel in the chamber you got no gas in the tank holy god i went out to play a racquetball the other day and uh was like a morning game and i for whatever reason i had some meetings and i was running around and uh oh man didn't have nothing to eat not a nibble and a holy crap the first little bit was fine and then you just kind of hit a wall you just gets like feels like you're running off the edge of a cliff man suddenly slowly gradually you just kind of start to fade out your energy goes and it doesn't even have to be anything too physical i'm sure it happens if you just start the day and you're at work

You know, you're going to work, you got, you're sitting at your desk. Or how lunchtime comes around or the afternoon creeps in and you're just like, oh, God, I'm going to pass out. Oh, oh, I'm going to faint. Somebody get me a grilled cheese sandwich. I think I'm going into a coma. Oh, you know, that type of thing. So make sure you get your nutrients. Make sure you, what?

No, I'm telling you. in a story. Who is it? Okay, so now have to cut my nice story off, gang, because suddenly our last contestant is here. Who is it? Oh, no. No, no, not this kid. Hi. Oh, God, Timmy, don't give me any of your lip.

I've been waiting a long time to sing for American Idol because I'm, is there a camera in here? No, there's no camera. It's a podcast. Well, you should get a camera because I want to look into the camera. Yes. And say, hi, I'm Timmy the Campfire, kid. And I'm going to be the next American Idol. No, you're not going to be the...

How about the next American annoying idiot? You better watch it. Just what are you going to sing or what? Well, I don't have my guitar here because I'm going to mash potatoes. Frinkle-funk, frangle stink. Okay, I don't even know what that meant. That sounds like a Muppet. You smell like a Muppet that's been sitting on the toilet, shitting out fur balls.

Stop. Would you watch your mouth, kid? Up yours, Kalamazoo Pete. Kalamazoo Pete. Where the hell does that come from, kid? Probably from your wife. All right. Roger.

What are you going to sing? Let's hurry up. Let's get this kid out of here. What are you going to sing, kid? My name's not kid. It's Timmy. Timmy the Campfire boy. What are you going to sing, you little freckle-faced freak?

Oh, I'm a freckle-faced freak, huh? What does that make you? A Zit-covered bastard bastard child? Hurry up and sing. What are you going to sing? Roger knows what I'm going to sing. Just play the music, Roger. Just play the music, Roger.

Hurry up and we'll get them out of here. Up yours. Play it. Oh, if you leave me now, you'll take away the big. biggest part of me. Oh, baby, please don't go. Oh, God. And if you leave me now,

you'll take away the very heart of me. Oh, whew, oh, please don't go. Oh, my God, you sound like a dead werewolf. Shut up, ass, I'm singing. Oh, babe, we just stopped to the beat. A love like ours is never hard to find. God.

To go. I just missed the backup singers. Can we roll it back? No, you're done. Get out. But I heard the backup singers. You're a backup singer. If you leave, Vita!

If you leave right now, I'd be the happiest guy in the world. Stop the music. I wasn't finished. If you leave... If you leave right now, I won't shoot you through the head with an elephant gun. Oh, look at you! That could be assault on a minor! Oh, I'd like to assault a minor right now, kid.

Up yours! I'm going to tell my dad, Good. Get them out. Good riddance. I think we're done. I can't take any more. I can't. No, no. Why are you coming back in? Stop it. Roger, no. Oh, if you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Please don't go Oh

I'm leaving I'm leaving good bye And if you leave right now You're a stupid ass I'm out Where did he go? Did I win? Did I win? Hello?

Do I keep singing or what? Do I keep singing? Roger? Where's Roger? What do I keep saying? A love like ours is very hard to find. Oh, how could we end it up? Oh, there's the backup singers.

They're still here. Where are they, though? I don't see them. A love like ours is very, very, Very hard to find... What? Hello? What?

Roger? Is that you? Where is everybody? Did I win? I'm gonna tell my father. I think I might have won. Father? Father!

Father! Father! Where are you, father? Is he gone? Roger? You can stand up now, Roger. I think he's gone. I hid behind the console.

Okay, he's gone. Folks, can I just apologize? Like, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, that you have to deal with this crap. I try to do a robust show, an interesting, entertaining show, and day after day, I get... Whatever. I'm not going to whine about it. It is what it is.

Hopefully that's the end of that. And, uh, Bing, bang, boom. Let's, let's do the announcements and get out of here with, with a little dignity, shall we? Holy, Nelly Frittato crab cakes on it with a side order of jumbo relish. Um, let's do some announcements. Here we go.

Uh, if you want to see me doing some live stand-up. comedy um you're in luck because i am going to be in atlanta georgia tonight at the improv atlanta georgia great club come on down i'm going to be there uh thursday friday saturday january 22nd 23rd 24th and then the following weekend oh my god i'm up at the uh in san francisco at sketch fest we're going to be doing the uh harland highway podcast live for the very first time. Unbelievable. We're also going to be doing stand-up shows and all kinds of shows and sketch shows all around

the city. Please go to Harlan Williams.com and click on the stand-up tour schedule, and you will see all the details you can go right into the site and order your tickets online. It is going to be a blast, man. It is going to be a blast. I've heard a sneaky rumor that Aunt Ruthie might be appearing at Sketchfest, at the live podcast. There's been a possible hint from her that she might fly down, which she never does, and come and see the show.

I don't know. Maybe Aunt Ruthie's going to be there. That would be something to have some family support there. So if you're in San Francisco, please come on out January 30th and 31st, stand up, the podcast, everything. It's going to be a blast. And then the following weekend, yours truly will be over on the other side of the country in Orlando, Florida. Orlando, Florida, Thursday, February 5th to Sunday, February 9th. and I'm going to reach out to one of the pavement pounders

called in and works at a zoo down there or an animal kingdom or works with animals and I'm going to reach out to her and I'm going to try and go behind the scenes and visit with some of the critters down there in Florida. So it's going to be a fun one. I will be doing some reporting from Orlando, Florida, baby.

And, well, you're at harloughambs.com. Check out the store. We have the magic f-off t-shirts. Go in the store, and you can watch a video and see how these magic t-shirts work. Everybody's ordering one for 20 bucks. You can't go wrong. They are a riot.

Also, we got books, CDs, movies, music, all kinds of stuff in the store. Also, subscribe to my YouTube channel. channel, we are going to be launching the uncut version of my directorial debut of my movie Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face starting February 1st. We're going to release the movie in five-minute segments over the whole year. So if you subscribe to my channel, every Monday you will get five minutes of the adventures of the movie, the feature film Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face,

which I wrote and directed. It took me six years to make. A real labor of love, full of a lot of crazy comedians and actors. It's probably the dumbest movie you'll ever see in your life, but it's just meant to amuse you and make you laugh. So if you want to get in on Fudgy Wudgee Fudgeface on day one, go to Harlow Williams.com.

You'll see the YouTube subscription button at the bottom of the homepage. Just click it. It's free. You don't have to pay anything. There's no hooks. There's no gimmicks. And you will get, every time I upload a new segment of the movie every Monday, you'll get to watch five minutes and hopefully have a laugh or be repulsed or whatever. Later in February, West Palm Beach improv.

And then the Brea Improv in Southern California here. So a lot of great shows coming up, gang. If you want to write me, you can write me at the website, harlunwilliams.com. Just go to the contact form. Or if you want to leave me a voicemail, 323-739-4330. The number is also at the website. Do appreciate you being here. Do appreciate your tolerance when it comes to having to deal with some of the programming BS that I have to do.

But nonetheless, we made it through. I hope you had some laughs. We had some fun. and uh let's say let's call it a day till next time chicken chameen baby Thank you.