The Harland Highway - 645 - SUPERBOWL MADNESS. Scary things in the yard!

Episode Date: February 2, 2015

Harland talks superbowl and the commercials. Intimidating objects in the backyard. Update on LIVE podcast from San Fran. Treat meat!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, sister, go, sister, go, sister, go, sister, hey sister. I mean, brother, I mean cousin, I mean pavement pounders, how are you? Good to have you here, Lurtles and Flurndel Blurr de burghans. What a treat, what a show, what a show. We're going to be talking about the Super Bowl. What an exciting game. We're going to talk about the final moments. We're going to be talking about the commercials at the Super Bowl.

happy this year about the commercials. Oh, and I'm going to talk about it. I was happy with the game. Great game. Some interesting decision-making. We'll get into that. Also, there's something out in my yard that has me scared, frightening, alone, and intimidated. There's something out in my yard looking in through my living room window that has

me on edge, has me feeling, I don't know, a little overwhelmed. I will tell you about that. Also, we are going to talk about my new movie coming out online, Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Face. I will tell you how you can watch my indie movie online. It's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be on my YouTube channel and all kinds of other stuff. It's going to be a good show.

I hope you enjoy it. Put your football helmet on. It's the Super Bowl on the Harland Highway. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro. Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later.

How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy.

I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland Highway. You're all going to experience intense. Mental, physical, strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't that be doing. I'll do it. I'll do it. I swear to God. Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're never around here, ain't you? What's your name?

You're listening to Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Mm-hmm. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. There's something ominous waiting outside my house. There's something sitting there waiting for me. There's something I'm afraid to go outside and confront it.

I'm, oh my God, oh my God, it's an unassembled barbecue. Yeah, that's right. Have you ever bought something? And at the time you bought it, you're like, Cool man. Oh, this will be awesome, dude. Redunculus. What aves. So I'm at Home Depot a couple of weeks ago, and I went in to pick up something totally unrelated, and I'm going through the aisles as one does at Home Depot,

because you can never find anything, and it's so huge. As I'm walking down one aisle looking for light bulbs, I somehow took a left turn into the barbecue aisle, and there it was. Oh, my goodness. My red rider, no, it was a, it was a big old, like, smoker-style barbecue with a big metal lid that comes down and a little smokestack pipe that comes out the top. Oh, guts to have one of these, I thought, to myself. So I climb up on the ladder and I wrangle this big, heavy metal box.

The pitcher on the box. Oh, beautiful. It's kind of like a TV dinner. You ever buy a frozen TV dinner, and the meal looks immaculately delicious. And then by the time you microwave it, it looks like a puppy threw up on your shoe. Uh-huh.

Ah. So I bought this thing, and it was heavy. I had to move it into my house with a doily, and I put it out in the yard about three weeks ago. It's just sitting there in the box. It's just sitting there looking through the window, staring at me. It's waiting for me. It wants me to come out and put it together.

And I'm scared because, you know, you got to open the box. You've got to pull out all the screws and the pieces and the wheels and the stand and the grill and the lid and the smokestack. Oh. And you know you're going to do it. It's like IKEA. You know you're going to put something together. wrong you know it's going to be upside down you know you're going to light your house on fire all that stuff so i'm just sitting there it's it's like it's like iron me up this box and i'm thinking what year

am i going to put this thing together so i'm very intimidated and of course you're always intimidated until you do it and then you go out there you spend 20 minutes half an hour and you're like oh it's done what be though what the hell was i thinking about oh what the what the what the Oh, Lewis. Oh, Peter. Yeah, I don't know what I was so scared about, Lewis. Whatever the guy, however the guy from Family Guy sounds. Oh, you crazy monkey.

All you have to do is put a barbecue together. You stupid idiot. Yeah, I don't know why he doesn't want to put a barbecue together. I don't either. He's a moron. Yeah, okay, Louis. I don't know. Why am I suddenly doing the Family Guy voices?

Now, Peggy, I don't. I'm supposed to put the barbecue together. Now I'm doing King of the Hill. Don't stupid barbecue. Why do I do you? Now I'm doing the sim- You know what? What is happening here?

So anyways, I don't know if you ever have one of those moments where there's something you buy and you're just like, oh God. And so it just sits there for a long time until you finally do it. You assemble something. And then once you've done it, it's either, It's two results. It's either not so bad.

You're like, oh, yeah, it's perfect. It looks great. Or do you like, oh, God, why did I buy this? I just want to put it in a box and roll it over a cliff. Oh, oh, oh, Charles. Nelson. Oh, barbecue. Oh, oh, Riley.

Yeah, oh, oh, right. told you I was I was headed up to San Francisco did to do my podcast for the very first time alive in front of a studio audience and it's done I did it on Saturday and boy was it a different experience than how I do it in my safe little studio on the 12th floor with Roger we were in a small theater and I I think there was about 60 or 70 people there, and it's very intimidating when people are sitting there watching you. There was people like right in the front row watching us.

And first of all, I want to thank everyone who came out to the podcast. Oh, my gosh. It was really fun and interesting and new. And, you know, I still don't. I haven't decided if it was great or bad or somewhere in between. I think it was somewhere in between. I think I was a little nervous. I think I was a little freaked out by being out in front of people.

When you've done over 600 podcasts in the darkness of your little studio and you don't have to worry about anything, it's a lot different than sitting there and talking in front of people into a microphone. because you get it in your head that they're kind of bored They're like, well, I'm just sitting here watching I got talking to a microphone What the hell?

When does the dancing and then the fire And the juggling start? When do we get to see that? And so we had some interesting stuff happen. People came up out of the crowd. People came on stage. People were singing. People were yelling.

from the audience some very bizarre stuff and i tried to do one of my characters which i've never donned in front of people which was probably the most intimidating part for me and uh boy oh boy it kind of bombed i think i might have to edit it out of the show because i i just i couldn't get in the zone it takes so much focus to do these characters to jump back and forth between voices and I can manage it quite well when I'm just by myself in the booth. But when I'm out there in front of 70 people, even 10 people, it's nerve-wracking and I kind of lose my focus. So I tried to do Mr. Featherstone and it kind of ate it.

But here's a little bit of a review from someone who was there for part of it. And I guess she called in afterwards and I appreciate the review let's hear what she has to say okay highlights of the podcast today were the orgasmic 50 year old and her butt-licking boyfriend the grim reaper the power exchange conversation some of the stuff that just didn't work was the boss I had to leave after that sorry but you're cute it's fun but I don't know, need some work. Thanks, anyway. Bye.

Thank you for your review. I told you that the Mr. Featherstone bit just sucked a lemon, and she actually had to get up and leave. She couldn't take it. And I don't blame her. It was, you know, it was funny because I started the bit, and it was just so different doing it that way. And I realized,

Probably within about 30, 40 seconds into it, it was going to eat it. And I thought, look, I committed to it. I got to keep going. So it lasted about like three, four minutes. And it was just like, oh, in my head, I'm like, I got to get out of this. And she was like, I got to get out of here. So it sounds like she liked parts of it. There was parts she didn't like.

And as she said, it needs a little more work. Well, I totally agree with you, doing it live in front of people. It's a different beast It's a different animal So I've got to figure out How to wrangle it better And so if I ever do it again live I learn from this

And I make it better For the next live one If there ever is one So there you go Thanks for your comments I will tell you more about the live podcast In fact we're going to play it in its entirety Minus the Mr. Featherstone bit

Probably within the next week so you'll be able to hear it and again thanks to everyone who came out had a blast it was quite an experience um so thank you san francisco for supporting the harlan highway podcast so let's get to the super ball okay we all watched the super ball baby and uh what an exciting game I kind of called it. I hate to sound cocky. But when talking with my friends about who was going to win the Super Bowl, it was kind of cool because usually there's a team I like and a team I don't like,

and I love both these teams. They're probably my two favorite teams in the whole league. So it's like, God, I don't really care. I mean, I don't care who wins or loses. Whoever wins, I'm going to be happy. So it was kind of neat to be able to watch a sports. event from that perspective where I was rooting equally for each team. But nonetheless, I figured it was going to be a really cool, close game.

It was. I figured, I said to my buddy, I said, you know, here's why I think the Patriots will win is because Tom Brady A is so good, but also he's such a professional and he's seasoned and he's been in the Super Bowl and he's won more and he's been around the league longer. and I think that stuff will come into play in the game to help them make it to victory. But I also said I love Seattle because they seem to have this weird luck where balls bounce up in the air and they catch them and people make improbable catches or there's an interception just at the right time

or Wilson the quarterback will run all the way down the field for a first down or a touchdown. like there's this kind of wacky, magical luck that they have. And I thought, I thought that's going to be a factor too. But at the end of the day, I said to myself and I said to my buddies that Wilson is a bit more of a wild card. And he might make kind of a more amateurish mistake. Not that he's an amateur player, but amateur in terms of he's been around in the NFL a lot shorter than Brady and many of the other quarterbacks in the league. so sure enough that's kind of how it played out for those of you that didn't watch the game

or don't know the game the Patriots were up I think six points or four points with literally I think it was less than 20 seconds left in the game maybe 40 seconds and Seattle had made it all the way down to the Patriots goal line one yard away

All they had to do was jump over that goal line, one yard. And they have this guy, Marshaul Lynch, who's just a bulldozer. This is the guy they've been going to all season to do those kind of plays. They don't throw the ball. They hand it off to him, and he just puts his head down and plows through all the other players, all the defenders. He's like a rhino smashing through the forest. and this is a guy they gave the ball to all game. This is a guy they gave the ball to all season,

and time after time he consistently got yardage and got touchdowns by being this steamroller of a guy. And so the last thing you want to do with 30 or 40 seconds left in the game and the chance to win the game at the one yard line is throw the ball in the air so that the opposing team could pick it off and intercept it.

Or worse yet, the receiver drops it and there's a fumble or whatever. So the Seahawks had, I think they had three downs left. They had second, third, and fourth down with one yard to go. And I think everyone in football knows that if that ball had been handed off to Marshall Lynch, he would have plowed over the line either on the second down, the third down, or the fourth down. At some point, he would have crossed the line for the touchdown and win the game. And there would not have been enough time left for the Patriots to get back down the field and make a comeback.

It just, they would have had like four seconds to make maybe one throw. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority.

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a rookie from the New England Patriots, cut in front of the throw. He must have anticipated it coming. He said he did in an interview, and he picked it off at the one-yard line, and it led to the Patriots winning the game. And it wasn't one of those things where you go, oh, man, the Seahawks should have won

because, you know, that's a fluke pickoff. That's a fluke interception. No, you can't say that the game was so even, it was so back and forth, and it was so close at the end, that whoever won it by any means possible should have won it. And it was great to see, as predicted, the Seahawks did have some fluky, like weird, right near the end of the game.

There was a really long throw all the way down the field to like the two-yard line and the receiver bobbed it and he fell on his back. And as he was falling, the ball fell out of the air and bounced off his legs and did not hit the ground. So it bounced up off his legs back into the air. And as he's laying on his back, it floated back down into a, his arms and that made it a legal ball so that's what led to

the Seahawks being on the one yard line with like no time left on the clock barely all they had to do was hand to Marshal Lynch and let him crash over one yard line which he specializes in so in

retrospect I think a huge mistake not to give it to him but you know in sports you take chances you do things unpredictable You look for openings, and this Seattle Seahawk, Wilson quarterback, thought he had a guy he could just drop it to real quick. And some alert rookie from the Patriots picked up on it. It was like, no way.

And he just dodged in front, snagged the ball and hit the ground, and that was it. So exciting game. My goodness, exciting game. A lot of Super Bowls are blowouts. A lot of them that they may end. with a win, but it's rarely like, you know, really controversial or kind of exciting the way this one was. So an all-round great game.

Now let's get to the commercials, which were an absolute disaster. Usually the commercials are hilarious and sexy and funny. And, you know, there's so much political correctness now in the United States that, you know, they've taken the fun out of all those commercials that some of us used to watch the game just to see the commercials and I'm sorry but the commercial was full of causes

the commercials were full of social messaging the commercials were full of political correctness it was horrible and even though the commercials may have been well-intentioned they were depressing and

and they were preachy Let's start at the top There's one commercial Where a little boy was talking about How he would never go on a swing set How he would never swim How he would never go to his prom And you're going

Oh, what's this? Is this like a magic commercial About, you know, a little boy? Is it a movie? And then the guy goes Yeah, the reason I'm not going to any of those things Because I died I was hit by a car

And I never got a chance to grow up and it was some like life insurance commercial I'm like are you kidding me get the hell out of here man unbelievable like it was such a down it was depressing and then Coca-Cola did another commercial where I don't know why Coke

seems to think they have to get in on on social issues but for some reason Coke did a commercial where they showed children getting bullied, and they showed people getting picked on, and they showed injustices being done to people, and then, you know, people bullying on the internet and texting and being mean to kids, and then some guy at Internet Central drops, spills his Coca-Cola into the system, and the Coke, for some reason, flows through the whole internet and changes the message and makes people smile and happy

and eradicates and erases all the bullying and the meanness that one can encounter on the internet. And I'm like, dude, sell your stupid soft drink. What are you guys? What are you guys? The moral compass now, your Coca-Cola, a sugary soft drink is preaching that we shouldn't be cyber bullies? What has that got to do with me raking the yard on a summer day and dying for an ice cold drink? And I'm thinking, man, could I go for an ice cold Coke? How am I suddenly connected to cyberbullying and people picking?

It's like, get the hell out of the social awareness business. Good Lord. And then there was another one, and I'm sorry, good for women, good for men, good for gender equality, whatever. If this was a commercial about men, I'd be saying the same thing. But there was some commercial where it showed girls playing soccer, it showed girls shooting archery, it showed girls writing essays, it showed girls doing all the other than the, I am a girl, I am a woman, I am equal, I am a warrior, I am woman.

I mean, it's like someone go call Helen Reddy from the 1970s and have her saying, I am a woman, watch me roar. What's going on, man? I am a woman, hear me roll in numbers too big to ignore, and I know too much to go back and pretend, because I've heard it all before, and I've been down there on the floor, no one's ever going to keep her down again.

Oh, yes, I have wise, but it's wisdom on the pain. Is I pay the price But look how much I have to I can do anything I am strong I am invincible I am won

Sure show those commercials But do we need to see them in the middle of a male-dominated sporting event Do we need to get so serious And do we need to be reminded of all this stuff when all we want to do is hang with our friends and eat chips and get excited over a game? Can't we just shut off all the political bullshit, the political correctness and the social agenda bullshit for three hours and let people just take their mind off of that crap? And I'm sure there were other commercials that did it. I just, I started fast forwarding through them.

Usually I watch the commercials. The majority of them are really clever and artistic and inventive. And these ones were just, it was the biggest pack of lemons I've ever seen. So usually it's great commercials, crappy Super Bowl. This time it was amazing Super Bowl and crappy commercials. So there's my review. And I hope you guys enjoyed your Super Bowl. And way to go.

If you're a Patriots fan, congratulations. Good for you. And if you're a Seahawks fans, hey, congratulations. You came all the way. Amazing magical season. Many games with that kind of weird, magical, funky stuff happening. On top of playing very skilled football, nobody should be ashamed. And I got lucky because, as I said, both teams are teams that I love.

So excellent outing. Thank you, NFL, and hope for another good one next year. All right, so it's February 1st, and I have to remind you, folks, that as I promised, on February 1st, I would start releasing short segments of my crazy, wacky, comedy movie that I wrote and directed and star in called Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face. This is a buddy movie. It's a sci-fi movie. It's an action-adventure movie. It's probably the dumbest movie ever made on planet Earth. So if you like weird, wild, nutty, bizarre movies with aliens and buddies and hillbillies and clogs

and loaves of bread and all kinds of wacky stuff. You might like this movie. So I'm putting it up there. It's free. It's at harlunewilms.com. You can go and join my YouTube channel and you will be able to see every Monday, you know, between a four and,

probably six-minute episode cut from a three-hour-long feature movie that I shot. It took me six years to shoot the damn thing, so it's a real labor of love. And it might be too immature and juvenile to you. You might love it. It might be sweet and innocent. I don't know. It's a movie. It's art.

It's whatever. But I did it. It came from my heart. And I basically did it hopefully to make people laugh. and so I thought I'd at least throw it out there and let you guys know so all you do is you go to harloweems.com at the bottom of the homepage you'll see a YouTube logo and you click on that it subscribes to my site

you don't get any spam you don't get any mail you don't the only thing you get is every time I put up a new video it comes to your to your social network it comes to your email and you can decide to watch it or just delete it There's no commitment, nothing. But I wouldn't want people to miss out on it. If they liked it, then they don't have to do any work.

It just shows up every Monday, fudgy, wudgy, fudge face. And I had a great time doing it. There's a lot of funny people in it. Andy Dick, Tom Papa, great comedian, Tom Papa. Alonzo Bowden, great comedian. Michael Rosenbaum, the gentleman that played Lex Luthor on smallville. He also did a movie with me called Sorority Boys. Jessica

Lundy is in it. My co-star from Rocket Man. I mean, just a whole bunch of great funny people. Bobby Lee, the little Asian comedian from Mad TV is in it. hilarious. Josh Cox. All kinds of great people in it. So if you have the chance,

check it out. I wanted to let you know that It's here. It's up. And maybe once a week you get a little five, six minute laugh going or you get to follow kind of a weird little buddy story. So there you go. And as I said with the live podcast from San Francisco, we will be airing that episode very soon.

So please, please, please let me know what you think of it. And that's it. We'll hang it up right there. And FYI, the San Fran episode, I think it's almost an hour and a half long. So it's going to be one of my longest podcasts ever. Maybe I'll break it up into two parts. I don't know. But there you go.

Let's get out of here. Let's do some announcements here. Let's see what we got going on in the month of, can you believe it's February? Sweet Nellie Frittato. Okay, so here we go. Oh, by the way, FYI, for those of you that are interested, I know you heard that my little sister Barbara co-hosted the podcast with me about a year ago. She came on the show and was my co-host for an episode.

Many of you responded how much you liked having her on the show. Well, she just had a new baby girl like three nights ago. and I thought y'all might like to know. So there you go. Another little human being on the planet. I'm an uncle, once again. It's her third little daughter. Her name's Ivy, which is a beautiful name,

and her middle name is Lorraine, which was my mother's name, who just recently passed away a few months ago. My mother just missed the birth of Little Ivy, but a beautiful tribute to my mom to have her name, her name be my new, uh nieces um middle name so ivy lorraine beautiful name beautiful child so i'm very excited and congratulations to my little fester wha i want to be a baby what um anyhow uh let's do some

announcements uh let's see uh if you want to see me do stand up comedy uh this february i will be uh later this week in Orlando, Florida, at the Orlando Improv. That's going to go off Thursday, February 5th through Sunday, February 8th. And then two weeks later, I will be in West Palm Beach, Florida. That's going to be Thursday, February 19th through Saturday the 21st. So a little bit of a Florida run there And then at the end of the month I'll be back on the West Coast

At the Brea The Brea Improv Which is in Brea, California Just outside of Los Angeles And that's going to be February 26 To March 1st So it's going to be good

It's going to be fun You're going to enjoy it And that's it That's it for now Please check out Fudgy Wedgy Fudge Face If you want to write me You can write me at harlough williams.com Just go to the contact page

If you want to call me You know the number 32373739 43330 323739 43330 We might put you on the show Many people have been on the show And I think You know I love hearing from you guys

I'm excited to hear what you think of the live show we did in San Francisco Visit our store online We have the magic Pardon my language Fuck Off T-shirts Where you have a bunch of jumbled letters And when people ask you what the letters mean

You simply fold the bottom of the shirt On to the top part of the shirt And it says Fuck off And you get to abuse your friends that way We have artwork We have posters, we have music We have CDs, DVDs, all kinds of stuff at the Harland Williams store.

And I hope you can check it out. Get some amusing gifts for you and your friends. That's it for today, gang. Thank you for being here. Welcome to February. Once we're through February, things start to warm up. Springs just around the corner. So let's tough it out.

I'll try to keep you laughing through these cold months of winter. And until next time, chicken, chow me, baby. You can bend but never break me, because it only serves to make me more determined to achieve my final goal. And I come back even stronger, not an armist anymore, because you deepen the conviction in my soul. Yes, I am wise, but it's wisdom for the pain Yes, I pay the price, but look how much I've gained If I have to, I can do anything I am strong, strong

I am invincible I am one more Thank you.