The Harland Highway - 649 - George Michael from WHAM calls in. Harland gets a new car.

Episode Date: February 19, 2015

Harland finally decides on a NEW car. George Michael calls in and is having a Super Bowl party. Pavement Pounders answer Question of the day. Super looper!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Holy Moses, I'm in heaven. Holy Moses, I'm on the Harlan Highway is where I am. It's kind of like heaven. Hey, it's Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harlan Highway. Thank you for being here very much. I love you. I really love you.

Oh, let's not get started with that. Welcome to the show, gang. What a show. I'm going to be talking about I'm getting a new car. I've been talking about it on the show. I'm getting a new car. to you hear what it is. Some of you are probably guessing already.

Very excited. We're going to talk about that today on the show. Also, we are going to be taking some calls from you, the pavement pounders. You guys always have incredible things to say and ask me about. So I'm going to play some of your phone calls, which I love to get. You can always call me at 3-2-37-39-4-3-30. And speaking of phone calls, oh, God, maybe I should leave now. I've heard that George Michael from Wham might be calling in.

I say might because I'm hoping it doesn't happen. He is usually drunk and very annoying. So a lot of ground to cover today. Let's get ready before I decide to leave. This is the Harland. Highway You're listening to Harlan Williams. Harlan, funny stuff, bro.

Funny stuff. Keep it coming. Later. How long have you had this job? Long enough. He's fine as long as he gets his medication. He doesn't get his medications. He's not fine.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. You're a groovy boy. I'd like to strap you on sometime. The Harland High. You're all going to experience intense, mental, physical strength. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Don't let me do it! I'll do it, I swear to God!

Don't be such a fucking pussy. You're never around here, ain't you? What's your name? You're listening to Harlan Williams. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan, I'd just like to say this is just a follow-up to my last voicemail.

I just like to say, I'd just like to say, Harlan, thank you for being you. Thanks for being you. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan, this is Casey, the Jew. You posed a question last week. asking about why cashiers have to repeat the bill you gave them? Well, I worked in a customer

service for years, and the reason they do that is, believe it or not, there's bad people out there who want to rip you off. So by repeating, you know, out of 20 and then giving them the change for the 20, they can't say, you know, well, I gave you a 50. Or, you know, if they give you a 10, they can't say, well, I gave you a 20. So, you know, why are you giving me change for a 20? attend um i think that's the main reason why people do that um that's how i taught how i was taught to do it anyway so just wanted to share that with you sir and uh keep up the good work uh keep george michael coming back tell them i said hi and uh chicken chameen baby okay well thank you casey the jew as you put it um i appreciate that because yeah most i i didn't

And I'm assuming most people don't know. You know, I did, I did ask the question, why? Why do they say from a 20, from a 10, from a, and you're telling me it's so, once you say it out loud, then the customer can't dispute it with you. But I dare dispute with you, sir. This is America. And in America, I don't know that just by verbally saying,

Oh, well, you gave me a 20, sir. I said it out loud. Did you not hear me go from a 20? And in America, someone you go, Are you calling me a liar? I give you a $100 bill. No, sir. You handed me a 20, and I said, from a 20,

I don't care what you said. I handed you a $100 bill. Now, you're going to give me the change that I got coming to me. Well, sir, I can't give you the changer. I'd be going deep, deep, deep into the hole. Well, I guess we're going to see you in a code of law. So that may be the answer, but I don't know if it's a working answer.

I could see, you know, I had a situation, I think it was about a year and a half ago. I was at a Popeye's chicken at the Atlanta airport. and, you know, I gave the lady, I believe, a $20 bill, and she gave me back change for a 10. And I got into it with her. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And whether she said from a 20 or a 10 or not, I, in my head, know what I gave her.

And even if she said from a 10, I probably would have, you know, disputed it. Because I believe that a visual cue is more accurate than an audio cue. But what do I know? You're the guy that worked in retail and you did this stuff. But I do appreciate you giving us an answer to that very important question. It was a little mystifying. And now we know.

And I still think it's a little weird. and I still think it's a little antiquated, but I guess it is what it is. The answer was simple. It comes down to people not being honest. That's so sad. From a liar? That's what they should do.

If you're working at the ice cream counter and someone looks untrustworthy, why don't you just say it for what it is? Uh, 20 from a liar. 10 from a thief. 40 from a rapist serial killer 30 from Charles Manson 100 from Jeffrey Dahmer

what have you but thank you so much for for clearing that all up awesome I just like to say I just like to say thank you for being you wait what what would you like to say I just like to say, I just like the fit, say, I just like the fit, say, I just like the fit, say, I just like the fit, say, I just like the fit, say, I just like the fit, say, I just like the fit, say, I just like the fit, say, I just like the fake, say, I just like to say thank you for being you. Oh, well, that's what I thought you said. Why didn't you say so? Thank you for being you.

Oh, Harlan. And thank you for calling in. If you want to call in, 323-739-4-3-3-0 is the number where you can do that. Hey, Arles, someone on line three. No, he's not. No, I don't want to talk to him. I just said I'm thank you for people calling him, but not him. Oh, no, not him. No, don't put him through, Roger.

No, God. They just put them over there. Yeah. Put them on the counter, David. Thank you. Hello? Hello. Hello, Arlen.

Yes, who is it? It's me, George. calling for the United Kingdom of Ireland. How are you today? Well, to be honest, I'd be doing better if you weren't calling. Oh, well, isn't that it nice way? Tart of the morning to you, eh? Have a, put on a happy face, hey, Holland? Okay, what do you want? I just called to let you know I'm having a Super Bowl party, Holland, just like you do in the United A-O-A-O-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A. What?

I'm having a Super Bowl party here in United Kingdom, just the way you have a Super Bowl party in the United States of America. Okay, you're not saying United States of America, right? And Super Bowl was like two, three weeks ago. You're a little late to the party, George.

It's George Michael, all right. I've got two names. All right, George, and then very quickly followed by Michael. You don't just say one, you say them both together, like, thank you. George Michael, thank you. All right, relax, Michael. It's George, Mike. You shall have a bit. I'm going to come over there with a switchblade and pop all the tires and your stupid.

A stupid automobile, and I hope you drive all the way to the store of flat tires and run over a fighting old lady. Okay, watch the language. God, what are you talking about? You're having a Super Bowl party? Well, I bought all these new bowls over at the China Shop, Holland. What are you talking about? I bought a whole bunch of new bowls. I got a salad bowl.

I got a chip bowl. I got a cereal bowl, and all my bowls are super. Isn't that right, David? Oh, they're just Super Bowls. Who was that? That was my friend, David, and he thinks I've got Super Bowls. The Super Bowl is about football, George. It's George Michael.

Why don't you go to the local aquarium and drown your fat head in the Baluga Whale town? By stuffing it up his baluga hole, you pig. Easy! Whoa, Guy! I don't need that from you. Well, I've got a Super Bowl party, y'allet, and you know why? I've got a Super Bowl party, y'allin?

No, why do you have a Super Bowl party? Because I got Super Bowls. Isn't that right, David? Oh, you got a real Super Bowl, George Michael. See, I got Super Bowls. Super Bowl is a... It's a football game. It's not a bunch of bowls you put out on the counter.

Oh, my bowls are filled with chips. I got a bowl full of guacamole, Arland. You ever had guacamole? It's like a bowl of snort mixed with relish. It's starting delicious. Ew! What is wrong with you? Did you just say a bowl of snot filled with relish?

That's right, Arland. Figure it out, pre-meal, pro-meo. I have no idea what that means. And Super Bowl is for football. Oh, I heard about your football, Arland. What's that supposed to mean? Oh, I had someone got their hands all over the balls, Arlans. Yes? And I had somebody sock the air.

Right out of those balls, Arland. If there's one thing Joe Schmach who doesn't like In this world, Arland, it's flat, tiny balls. Ew! They're footballs. I'll play with your balls with my feet

If you let me, Arland. Stop it. You're not going to put your feet anywhere near. Your balls, Arland. Stop it. I'll tell you what. If you need me to... blow the balls up.

I'm more than happy to. Okay, you're getting creepy. You sound like you're drunk again, am I right, George? All right, listen here, all right? Here's where I'm going to do. My name is George for a Michael,

all right? And if you say it solo, one more time, I'm going to go to the fucking aquarium by a hammerhead shot, and exit to your house. and have to eat your fat fucking punchy face, you fat fucking pegs. Stop it!

What is wrong with you? I'll tell you what's wrong with me, Holland. I'll have a Super Bowl pie, and I want to blow up some flat balls. You're not going to blow up flat balls. Oh, yeah, Dave, can you come here for a minute? Sure, George. Thank you. What are you doing? Oh, I'm going to have me a Super Bowl party, Arlen.

No, you're not. Are you doing what I think you're doing? Hang on, Arlen. Let me do some blowing. Don't do it on my podcast. Hang on. That shit, David. Just pull your Superballs out.

Let me blow them up for you, David. Oh, George. Oh, my God, hang up on him, Roger. I'm not finished on, and I'm blowing up my super balls. You are sick, Michael. It's George Michael. It's hard to be mad at you, and I'm blowing up the balls. But it's George Michael.

Stop blowing on the balls! The hell is wrong with you. I just trying to have a Super Bowl party on it. You don't have to yell at me. Super Bowl is not putting out fancy bowls full of chips and pretzels and, uh, and Guacamole Island, ring a bell, snobooga salad with relish. You, what are you, five? I'll blow up five Super Bowl.

Stop with the blowing up the balls. Are you done? I wanted to invite you over to the United Kingdom to the Super Bowl Party, Ireland. Why is your voice getting so deep? I don't know. Why don't you tell me? Ew.

Sometimes should I get out of breath from all blowing on the balls, all in that? Stop talking about blowing up. I'm done. Hang up on them, Roger. I'm not finished blood. David, can you come here for a minute? please stop calling david whoever he is david on the oh god he's blowing again cut him off roger

well those balls are all just about inflated david oh george hang up on him oh let's put some guacamole on them david yes george hang up on him God. God, hang up. I feel sick. Good night, Nellie Frittato. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority.

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Yeah, he didn't hang up. I hung up. You don't have to snap at me. Well, then who should I snap at? You're the one that always lets him call in. So frustrating. All right, can we just move on? Can we move on to something else and leave George Michael behind us?

God, hit a commercial and let me clear my head. What we've got here is failure to communicate. All right, let's talk about something that's a little more relevant, please. A little more exciting. The Super Bowl party. Well, I talked a number of weeks ago about the prospect of getting a Tesla motor car, the electric car, the hot hip electric car,

that runs strictly on a giant battery, and you never need gas, you never need to change oil, you never need to get your transmission fixed, because there is no transmission. And the insides of this thing, excuse me, look like a spaceship. The main part of the dashboard is like a giant iPad

Well, I'm pleased and excited to announce I went ahead and ordered a Tesla Oh, whoa, whoa, hello, yeah, I know I had a few people call in and say not to do it and this and that I had some people that were a bit leery, I had some people that were like, I don't know about the Tesla thing, man. but you know what I did it I told you guys I was bored with what was out there

I feel like you know cars are the last thing from the industrial revolution that haven't really advanced that much sure they've put some you know the new sound systems and this and that but basically cars have not really jumped leaps and bounds the way the phone has okay look look what the the phone in your house is done in the last 15, 20 years. It's gone from a phone in your house to the iPhone to the Android to, I mean, it's mind-boggling what your phone can do now. And the car is just kind of sitting there. And I think we all know the reason the car is just sitting there is because oil companies and big car manufacturers and corporations are more than happy to let it stagnate because, you know,

if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Well, guess what? That, that, that attitude is probably not going to fly with the iPhone generation. People not only want, but they expect high-tech solutions. And not only the high-tech generation, but also the green generation. And the generation that sees that the world is getting more populated, and we've got to stop doing what we're doing in order to survive. We've got to stop making machines that vomit all over the. the planet. It's incredible. I watched a documentary recently. I think it's called

pump or at the pump or something. You can see it on iTunes. I don't know if it's on Netflix, but it tells the story, and of course there's two sides to every story, but this side of the story kind of talks about how we have been at the mercy. We have been enslaved by oil companies which have held back the progress of alternate fuels and alternate vehicles for 60, 70 years. And one of the most profound things I saw in this documentary, and it wasn't just propaganda, it's a scientific fact, it's science, it's real science, it's a fuel called ethanol that burns cleaner and works better than gasoline.

It burns cleaner, it has less emissions, it does all these things, and the most brilliant thing about it at all, of all, is according to this documentary and according to other scientific studies I've seen, is you can make methanol from your kitchen garbage. You can make it from the grass trimmings, from the bushes you cut. You can literally grind those all up, break them down, and turn our garbage, which, how much garbage do humans create every minute of the day, every year, every decade? Mountains of it.

And that's more crap that goes back into our environment. So first you've got the cars spitting their black smoke and exhaust everywhere. and batteries and this and that. It's just a mess. And then you got the fuel, and then you got, you know, it's just messy. So, you know, I might not be getting it all right here,

but I think I'm pretty on the mark. But check out this documentary. I think it's called Pump or Pump It Up or something like that. Very fascinating about how the oil companies are keeping things status quo because it works for them. Makes them billions of dollars. And so I'm excited on one level, stylistically, I'm excited to get into a new car that changes the game, changes the playing field. I feel like I'm giving up my house phone and getting into an iPhone.

Like physically, if the house phone, the landline was a car, that's what I've been driving most of my life. and now I'm about to sit in an iPhone, an iPhone 6. And I'm really excited. So I'm getting it because of the style. I'm getting it because it's something fresh and new and exciting. And I'm also getting it because I'm not going to be spewing gas, and I'm not all over the place. And I'm not saying that to make anyone else feel guilty.

My hope is that everybody listening gets a car one day, whether it be electric or ethanol or whatever that is cleaner and more environmentally friendly. And I'm not trying to be a tree hugger guy, but I'm just saying, look, our population is going up by the billions every few years. We're at over $7 billion now. In 10 years, it's probably going to be $12 or $15 billion. So we got to start, and I'm not telling you anything you don't know, we got to start to, figure out ways to scale back the dirt and the grime and the toxins and the pollutions. So I'm excited to be, you know, kind of contributing in that way.

I'm going to be driving an eco-friendly car, but these cars are just exciting. And it's a choice I made, and it's a little more expensive. But, you know, at the end of the day, when you figure you never have to pay for gas, that starts to kind of knock the expense down. They say the average person spends about six grand in gas a year. So if you kind of scale that back, what's that going to lead to in five or six or ten years? You'll probably get the price of your car back.

So it's interesting stuff, but there are some people that are saying don't do it. Arlen, I heard you talking about the Tesla electric car. And I know it sounds great. It sounds enticing. But I do know about the price as well. I think the cheapest one they have is, what, $70,000? They're going to make a $30,000 version, but you'd have to wait until 2017.

So, you could either wait two years. driving normal old, you know, stuck in the Stone Age gasoline car, or maybe look at the Nissan Leaf, because the range isn't as good. The price certainly is better than $70,000. Anyway, I can't wait until we have electric cars. Honestly, I can't wait until cars drive by themselves because driving is annoying. And most people are bad at it. I won't say I'm good at it, but I think computers can do a better job. Anyway, I love the highway.

I'm a pavement pounder for life. Keep cool, Harley. Hey, thanks, bro. You keep cool, too. And, uh, okay, so it sounds that like you're more, uh, kind of against the price of it. And I get it. I get it. The price is that's, it's a lot of money.

I'm not going to tell you how much I'm paying. for my Tesla. But I will tell you this, okay? I have worked my ass off my whole life. I've worked very hard. I've put a little money in the bank. And, you know, I've probably had fairly conservative vehicles my whole life. I've had cars that I've wanted, but I haven't gone crazy.

And as you get a little older, you realize the clock is running okay and this isn't this isn't me old guy going i'm going to get a corvette stingray i mean the tesla's a rather conservative looking car it's not like i candy at all it's the the inner workings are what makes the the tesla amazing i mean it's not an ugly car but it's not like you know buying a Ferrari or a Lamborghini hey look at me i'm having a midlife crisis man No, no, no, no. And I wouldn't want that, man. I'm not that guy.

But, you know, as you get a little older, you realize you can't take your money with you. And you've worked really hard for it. And I'm 52. And who knows how much longer you got at 52? You know, I can live to 90. I'm planning to live to 103. That's my mark. But at 52, you don't know.

you don't know if you got four years you don't know if you got four days you don't know you know you know once you get over 50 you're kind of in that okay yeah you what um how you feel and feeling feeling great looking great doctor says i'm great but you're 50 okay i'm not saying people 50 drop dead i'm not saying 50's the end of life i mean 50's great but you're also at phase of life where you're more settled, you're more comfortable, you'll hopefully have your finances in order. Fortunately, I'm, I'm feeling good in all those categories. And I thought, you know, before I die, I just want a car that I want the car that I want. And so I'm putting out a little extra money for this car. And even though it's a little more, like I said, you can

probably make it back in repair costs and not spending it on gas and oil. And I feel really good I'm doing something for the environment. And I feel excited that I'm in something that's modern. And I just read this today, which is incredible. The eyewatch isn't even out yet, but they've already developed an app on the eye watch that links to the Tesla. So it tells you what the temperature is in your Tesla. It tells you how much battery range you have left.

You can turn on your lights. You can unlock it. Who knows what else? So this is what I mean. It's like we love our modern technology. And Tesla is kind of taking us in that direction. And if this listener, this caller is right that Tesla is going to be knocking the price down and introducing a car for 30 grand or less,

well that's amazing I hope everybody gets on board and if for no other reason everyone has a Tesla or the other electric car I think you said a fiat or something and we stop puking up all over our planet with our vehicles so I will keep you updated on that I've ordered the car it's being built it's supposed to be here like the end of March and I will maybe I'll even do a little podcast from inside my Tesla. Maybe I'll take you guys for a ride in the Tesla if I live that long. Remember, I'm 52, okay? I've ordered it. I might not even get it. I'm 52. Okay, I shouldn't say that stuff.

Knock on wood. But I'm excited, man. So I'll keep you guys posted. And thank you for your concern. Thank you for, you know, stating some of the pitfalls and prep falls. of the Tesla. But onward I go down the Harland Highway in my electric car. I'm very excited.

I'll keep you posted. And that brings us to a dead end sign at the end of the highway. We have run out of time. My God, it goes so fast. Let's do some announcements here, gang. Can we do that? Can we? Can we? Can we? All right.

Tonight, starting tonight, I will be in West Palm. Palm Beach, Florida. Yes, the improv in West Palm Beach, Florida, tonight, Thursday, February 19th, 20, and 21st. So that's Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Get your tickets at Harlow Williams.com. Go to my stand-up schedule, and you can find the links and get your tickets right online. The following week, I'll be back on the West Coast in Brea, California, B-R-E-A, Braia-California, Grey Club. Another improv.

Yes, yes, yes. And that's going to go February 26th to Sunday, March 1st. And then the following weekend, I get away from the warmth. I don't know why I took this gig. It must be because it's a great comedy club. But it's going to be cold. I will be in Winnipeg, Canada, at a club called Rumors. It's going to be a great show.

So get your buns out there. And let's rock and roll. Don't forget to check out the store, harloweems.com store, for your fun merchandise. If you want to write me, you can write me at the site, harlomwilums.com, and if you want to call me and leave your comments about the Tesla or anything else, 323-739-4330. That's 323-739-4-3-0.

The number is on the website, should you need it again. Thank you for being here, gang. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. I'd just like to say, Harlan, thank you for being you.