The Harland Highway - 650 - Harland goes to the Oscars. Giant nipples and giant monsters

Episode Date: February 23, 2015

Harland reports live from the Oscars. Have you ever seen a giant nipple? Why do they kill movie monsters so fast?? Staba blab! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, he's clever. Who's clever? Me? No, not me. Surely not me. But we have a very clever show today. So excited, folks. This is a first for us. We have hired a unbelievable human being, an unbelievable person, a correspondent who's going to take us live to the red carpet at the Oscars, which are happening right now, live today, tonight. And we've got a guy out in Hollywood on the carpet with the microphone. We're going to try and get interviews with all the top celebrities. It's going to be unbelievable. And we're going to be checking in all through the show with our new correspondent.

So very exciting stuff. Also on the theme of movies, we're going to be talking about movie creatures and movie monsters and the pet peeve that I have with them. The fact that they make them, and they always seem to die a minute after we see them on screen. And then we're also going to talk about something even more horrifying. That's right. I'm going to talk about my left nipple. Yeah, that's pretty scary stuff.

Wait, you hear about how I was tormented by my own left nipple. Yeah. So buckle in. We got the Oscars. We got monsters. We got nipples. It is the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce

The Harland Highway I promise you, I will please you all, believe me What is he like? What's he funny? Anyway, he's an angel He's an angel strength of nothing. You're going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Oh, man, what do you expect the guy to jiggle-law, man? It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Weird. It's just plain weird. You're not me. I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Oh, you get your money's worth. Believe me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there it is. There's the new opening for the Harland Highway. Hope you enjoy it, everybody. I really do. Wow, what a podcast we have tonight. As you know, the Oscars are going on tonight, and we sent a correspondent. This is a new guy that we've never used before, but he comes through an entertainment talent agency, and his name is Damien Darpooh. He's going to be on the red carpet doing interviews exclusively for us here at the Harland Highway. Apparently, this guy's a seasoned veteran. I guess he did a stint with entertainment tonight. He did some stuff with the e-network.

He's done actually looks like I'm reading his resume, done a bit of stuff for CNN. I mean, this guy sounds legit, so we're going to get some firsthand, exclusive Harland Highway interviews from the 2015 Oscar Red Carpet. And we're excited. We're excited. So, Roger, let me know when Damien Darpoo is, is he there? Can you patch him in now? We might as well get right to it because they're just filing in, right, on the red carpet.

Okay, here we go, gang. We're going to the Oscars. This is live with Damien Darpoo on the red carpet. Darpoo, are you there? Hi. Hello, Darpoo. Hi, Arland. It's at Darpoo.

I'm here on the red carpet down at the Oscars, and it is just a flurry of activity down here. Everything is buzzing. I've got celebrities walking all over the place. It's just an unbelievable, excitement in the air. Wow, it sounds fun. I'm sure we all envy you being

down there. Now, you've done this a number of times. You're no stranger to this. How many times have you covered the Oscars, Darpooh? Well, this will be my 14th here covering the Oscars. And someone just waved at me. Who is that?

One of the celebrities did it. It looks like Fran Drescher. Do you remember Fran Dresher from the nanny? Yeah, is she there? Yeah, she just waved from me. Hi, Franny. Hi. Oh, wow.

Okay. So everyone's here, and I'm going to be on the carpet. I'm going to be talking to the celebs before they go into the big event. And there's Michael Keaton. He's heading over this way. Oh, boy, can you grab Michael Keaton? Hang on, let me get him. Michael.

Michael, yes. Hi. Hi, Michael. How are you? Oh, my God. We've got Michael. It's Damien Darpooh. How are you? I'm very good. Excellent.

Wow, you've got Michael Keaton. Yes, I've got him right here. Michael, say hi to all the listeners at the Harland Highway. Hi, everyone, at the Harland Highway. Wow, holy smoke. This is exciting. I can't believe it. Isn't there something everyone's very excited, Michael? Tell us about Bird. man

well it was a lot of fun and we shot the movie and boy oh boy did we have a good time oh wow wow this I can't believe you've got Michael Keaton I know isn't that great anything you'd like me to ask him hang on Michael anything he'd like me to ask him

Arland ask him how how the what it was like to do such an intense movie where they had those long, sweeping, panning shots? Like some of the shots seem to go for six or seven minutes without a cut.

Okay, Michael. How did you like the long shot? Oh, they were really good. They're nice and long. Okay, since they're nice and long. Okay, they were nice and long. Yeah. Anything else?

Michael, tell it. Can you make some bird noises for us? Oh, sure I can't. Okay. Hold on. Are you asking him to make some bird noises? Well, he is the bird man, Holland. I wouldn't be much of an interview if I didn't have him make bird noises, Michael. Yeah, it sounds like to be more. You know, it sounds like he has a cold or something. He sounds a little congested.

Yeah, do you have a cold, Michael? Yeah, I got a bit of a cold. Could you do some more bird noises? Yeah, okay. Okay, I don't know if we should be asking him to do bird noises. Is there anything else about the movie? Ask him about his co-stars, Edward Norton. How is Edward Norton, Michael?

He was really good. He really liked him a lot. Edward Norton, yeah. He says he really likes him. Yeah, we can hear what he's saying. You know, is it just me or his answers sound a little. bit vague um uh well uh michael can you elaborate some more on edward norton well uh he was uh he was his name's edward norton and uh wow what an actor oh my god that's so exciting i'm getting heat

flashes um he didn't really add anything right there well i'm getting heat flashes oh my god there's merrill street okay holland i'm going to cut away and we'll be back with Merrill, Merle, hi. It's Damien Darpooh, it's Damien. Oh, my God, she saw me. She's coming over. Let's take a break, and when you come back, we'll have Merrill Street. Okay, Damien Darpooh, thank you.

You're welcome. Bye. Wow, I can't believe that. He got Michael Keaton right off the, out of the gate. Although I do have to say it didn't, it didn't. I don't know, maybe it's just our sound equipment or whatever. It didn't really I couldn't tell if it sounded like Michael Keaton that much

But I guess Damien said he had a cold or something And he didn't necessarily say a whole lot But hey, we got him What a scoop so far Roger, this kid Damien Darpooh is really What a coup To wrangle Michael Keaton the birdman in so very exciting and we're going to check back in with him

momentarily apparently Meryl Streep's headed his way through the crowd so very exciting stuff the 2015 Oscars now let's move on to another topic while we're waiting for Darien Darpooh to come back to us here I want to touch on something that you know in keeping with the theme of movies

I'm just tired of seeing trailers and I'm tired of going to movies and whoever made the movie has gone to the trouble to create a giant CGI dragon or Cyclops or monster or you know some kind of towering 400 foot mythological beast

and the monster is introduced into the movie and he meets our hero, whoever our hero may be, whether it's a man or a woman or a guy on a horse or a guy in a suit of armor or a guy with marshmallows in his hair. And within about 45 seconds, the giant towering monster

that has the strength of a nuclear bomb and stands higher than the Empire State Building somehow gets slaughtered by one guy on a horse with a sword or a spear. And I'm like, why did you even create this monster? Why did you go to all the work?

I'll tell you why, because you wanted to put it in the trailer. You wanted to put the big monster in the trailer for 30 seconds, not even that long, five seconds, tease the audience, tease the consumers, making them think there's going to be all these big monsters, and you guys get in there and just kill it.

You've seen it in the Harry Potter movies, you've seen it in Lord of the Rings, you've seen it in anything to do with googlys and goblins and wizards, and it's just, it's killing me. You know, it's like you can't make these giant, monsters and and have a guy on a horse beat them and whenever they show them running they're always they're always just three steps behind even though their bodies are as long as a football field and they've got more muscles than the country of Brazil and somehow

this giant 900-foot monster has the inability to catch a guy on a four-legged horse running about 30 miles an hour top speed or worse yet when the guy doesn't even have a horse and it's just a human running at about 11 miles an hour and then they finally meet and somehow you know the the hero jumps on the back of his head or the monsters picking the hero up

and bringing him to his mouth about to eat them and the hero throws a spear in the thing's throat. And I just don't believe that one little spear that would be like if you picked up a mouse and a mouse threw a toothpick into your throat. Would that drop you to the ground and kill you? No. You wouldn't even feel it.

Maybe if you swallowed it, you'd choke a little. But the way they play it out in these. movies, these heroes throw a spear into this mouth as deep as the Grand Canyon and somehow it must have just hit the exact spot that goes right through to the creature's brain and drops it in its tracks. And what sucks is a lot of time the designers, the special effects guys, they create these incredible monsters. They're really cool and they're amazing to look at.

I don't know if you saw Clash of the Titans. They have this big climactic ending where the crackin, this giant monster, the crackin comes out of the ocean. It's like just enormous. This thing could swallow New York in one bite. And this kid comes flying off the top of a rock and shines a mirror in its eyes, and there goes the cracking. And I'm like, come on. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. this is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast so be sure to use this code harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out so if you're listening movie guys um what oh he's back okay we got to cut away from this uh this is exciting damien darpu is back at the oscars and he's he's got as he got as he got he got he got Merrill? He's got Merrill. Let's get right back there right now. Here we go. Hello, Damien, are you there? Hi, Harland. How are you? We're doing great. Have you got her? Have you got Miss Streep or Mrs. Streep?

You know I do. She's right here. Merrill, would you like to say hi to everyone at the Harland Highway? Oh my God, I can't believe this. Merrill, please say hi to everyone at the Harland Highway. Oh, hi. How's everybody? Wow, oh my God Meryl, do you want Holland, do you have questions for Meryl Streep?

Oh my God, where do I begin? And I don't want to sound ignorant or rude, but ask Meryl how many Oscars she's won. Meryl Streep, how many Oscars have you won? I've won, I think, 13, 17, 17 Oscars. How many? 17. She said 17, Harlan.

17, no, I don't think that's right. She sounds a little plugged up. Is she okay? Merrill, are you okay? Yeah, I just got some allergies. The weather's not agreed with me today. She just got some allergies, Harlan. Well, didn't Michael Geaton have some allergies?

Yes, he did. I think everybody, it's going around. Okay, well, God, she just, it almost doesn't sound like her, the way it didn't sound like it was Michael Keaton. Well, I'm sorry, Arland. I can't control pollen. Okay, that's Mother Nature, but we're here on the red carpet and Mill Street. Tell us about your outfit. Oh, yeah, yeah, please. Everyone loves hearing about the celebrities' outs. outfit. What is she wearing, Damien? Mel, will you tell us what this outfit is? Yes, this is a Calvin Clyde. It's a white Porsche, sequed dress with a dolly whip at the bottom and a low-cut, flat back,

flip around high top collar. What was that? Um, Meryl's Jeep, um, and who made it? Calvin Klein. Calvin Klein? Uh, that's what she says, Harlan. Calvin Klein. Okay.

Wow. Something, something, something just feels a little wrong here, uh, Damien. Well, I'm, oh my goodness. Oh, my goodness. There he is, Bradley Cooper. Oh, my goodness. It's the hip man. Oh, my God.

Harlan, I've got to run. I'm wave Bradley. Yeah. over here. Yeah, Damien Darpooh. Damien, yeah, Damien Darpooh, Bradley. Come on over here, Hitman. Oh, my goodness. Harlan, Bradley Cooper's on his way across. Well, can you say goodbye to Merrill Street for us? I mean, you're just kind of brushing her off. Merrill, thank you for coming. Oh, thank you very much. Just a treat. Okay, thank you. Why does she sound so plugged up? I don't know, but Harlan, I got to go.

Bradley Cooper, he's making his way over this way, Bradley. I'll call you back, bye. Whoa, he just hung up on me. That was a little odd. Roger, are we having any problems with our sound equipment? Because these Michael Keaton and Merrill Streep sounded very muffled. um is is everything okay is our is our feed okay because uh well i'm well you don't have to shrug your shoulders at me i'm just saying i want our listeners to have a a clear audio i know okay

all right well let's let's get back to the show and i mean i am grateful we have this this is exciting um bradley cooper uh who's up uh for for i think uh Best Actor for the Hip Man movie, very controversial movie, is going to be on the line with us soon. So hang tight. Let's get on to another topic. This is something that was very bizarre. Speaking of giant monsters, I want to share with you something that really kind of shocked me. recently i was staying at a hotel okay we've all stayed at a hotel and this was kind of a fairly

nice hotel and uh as one of the cosmetic touches of the hotel uh they had in in the bathroom they had one of those you know those mirrors you look in and they magnify your image like five thousand times like they're for i guess they're for shaving or putting a on makeup, but literally if you look in one, you can see all the pores in your skin and your eyes about nine feet high. It's like on your car where it says image may appear larger in the mirror. That's what these mirrors are like. I think they're for grooming purposes.

So there's one standing on the counter, and I got out of the shower, and I'm all nudie because I don't shower with my clothes on anymore. and I'm like drying my hair and brushing my teeth and doing all that stuff and the way this thing's sitting on the counter and the way it's angled all of a sudden I caught sight of one of my nipples and I was like whoa wow wow wow it was like all of a sudden I saw the eye of a cyclops or something was like this big giant round pink thing and I'm like good lord you know my whole life I've had these nipples And I've never really seen them.

I've never inspected them. It's not like a, you know, guys aren't like women where we, we inspect our boobs. Or I've heard maybe we're supposed to. But I've never given my, my boobs or my aerolias or whatever the hell they are, a second thought. And all of a sudden, this big giant, round pink eye is staring back at me. It was like a, it was like a, it was like a, there was a hole in the wall in the wall and there was an eyeball staring at me, except there was hair around the edges.

And I'm like, ew, look at the hair around it. And then what really got me, and this is like something new I learned about myself after all these decades of being alive, I have a freckle on my nipple. I had no idea. It's like, you know, when astronomers, like,

look up into space or they send the Hubble telescope out there, and they scan the cosmos, and all of a sudden there's an article in the paper, scientists discover new moon circling the sun. Or scientists find new planets similar to Earth 20 billion light years away. You know, they're always finding new planets. Well, lo and behold, I find a new freckle on my nipple,

on my aerobol. or whatever the hell it's called. My big pink cyclops eye. And it was frightening, man. It really took me off guard and I was kind of grossed out. It's like, ew, I don't want to see my nipple that big. Like, in the mirror, it was like the size of a pancake. It reminded me of Jurassic Park when that giant T-Rex kept running closer in the rearview mirror.

It's like my prehistoric. nipple was coming at me. It looked like I felt like I was underwater and like a big pink jellyfish was floating towards me or something. It was just gross. And I could see, you know, nipples are weird things. You know, I don't encourage you to look at your nipple because it's not pleasant. But when you magnify it, nipples, like the tip of the nipple is like, it's very, it's porous.

It looks like sandpaper or something. There's a lot of, like, kind of divvets. And it's like if you were a flea and you landed on the tip of a nipple, it would be like landing on the moon. And then the ariolai's got these little white speckles in it. And at least for the men, you get the hair coming out. It looks like the Lorax's butt hole or something horrible. You know, the Lorax from Dr. Seuss.

If you ever somehow magically got a chance to see the loraxes butt hole, that's what it would look like probably. Big pink giant nipple. Yuck. So what? Oh, okay, we got to put the nipple thing on hold. We got, uh, we got Damien Darpu back at the, he's got Bradley Cooper. This is amazing.

Oh my God. Put them through right now. We're going back to the red carpet, uh, 2015 Oscars. Hello, Damien. Are you there at the Oscars? I'm here. Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I'm having more heat flashes. Oh, my God. I'm fanning myself. Oh, my goodness. Take it easy now. We're excited to. We understand you have Bradley Cooper, the hip man himself. Yes, Bradley's right here in front of me. Oh, my God, his sparkling blue eyes. He's got his beard is trimmed. He just looks dashing. He's wearing a black tuxedo and shiny black shoes. Bradley, congratulations on your nominations.

We're so excited to have you here at the Oscars. Oh, thank you very much. It's so good to be here. Okay, now, are you... That voice. He's right here, Harland, and Bradley, tell us about your role. How did you prepare for your hip-man role? Well, I had to do a lot of laying down because hitman lay on her stomach.

And so I was laying down a lot, and I'd lay in front of the TV and eat chips and eat Cheetos, and just a lot of laying. Sometimes I'd even lay in a sleeping bag and stuff. Oh, hold on. Damien, I'm... Why does this guy sound muffled up, too? Hang on, let me... Bradley, you sound very... Stuffy, have you got allergies, too?

Oh, my goodness, how did you know? Yes, I'm just, I'm so stuffed up. He sounds a hell of a lot like Michael Keaton. You sound, Harlan Williams says, yes, Harlan Williams. Yes. He says that you sound a lot like Michael Keaton. Well, I don't know where that comes from. I mean, Michael Keaton is a bird man, isn't he?

Yes, that's exactly right. So just so we're clear, you're not Michael Keaton. No, I'm Bradley Cooper. And just so I'm sure you're not Merrill Street. No, I'm not Marrow Street. I mean, I... Wait a minute. What was that? That was nothing, Arland. It's the allergies.

No, I heard the Merrill Street voice. No, that was Bradley Keaton. Bradley Keaton? I mean, it was Michael, Michael Cooper. Who is Michael? Do you mean Bradley Cooper? Yes, that's who I'm. I mean, Meryl Cooper. What?

Meryl. Hi, this is Bradley Cooper. That's Meryl Streep. Highland, you're getting mixed up. Everyone's got the allergies. Hold on a second, Darpu. Yes. Are you doing the voices of these?

Where are you? I'm here at the 2015 Oscars on the red carpet. Oh, my God. There's Paul Newman waving to me. Hi, Paul. Paul Newman Oh, look at him He's got his silver hair

And his blue eyes Uh, Paul Newman died three, four years ago What? Oh, I mean, Michael, It's Michael Keaton, Hi, Michael, he's with Fran Drescher Okay, what are you doing?

What do you mean, Harlan? I'm at the Oscars. No, something's going, Are you doing the voices? No, absolutely not. You are doing the damn voices of all those at you. Where are you?

I'm not at Wendy's, if that's what you're saying. What do you mean you're not at Wendy's? I'm not at Wendy's having a... Did you think I was at Wendy's having a double cheeseburger? Are you at Wendy's? Who? Who? You?

You just said Wendy's. I'm not at Wendy's. Why would I be at Wendy's? Wendy, I'm at the Oscars. Holy crap. Roger, where did you? You get, you're a Wendy's having a burger, aren't you? Hold on, Bradley.

Bradley, could you bring me some ketchup for my fries? What was that? I mean, Bradley Cooper, tell us about how you prepared for... This is a joke. You're not, hang up on this guy, Roger. Oh, my God, Meryl Streep's got some onion rings. Hang up on him. Carlin.

Forget it, goofball. Good Lord. Roger, where did you say you got this guy? What? Craigslist. You, what do you mean? You got an Oscar reporter off of Craigslist? Oh, my God.

You know, what a waste. This guy's over at Wendy's having a burger, and he's doing the voices himself. He's nowhere near the Oscars. How much are we paying him? Great, that comes out of our budget, Roger. The guy's a fraud. Unbelievable.

I hear I plan the whole show around the Oscars. Folks, I am so, so very sorry. This is a, this is a, just another one of our mix-ups. Never seems to end, Roger. Yes, I'm looking at you. Damien Darpooh. at the Oscars. Guys, Wendy's having a double cheeseburger.

Okay, I got to end the show because I'm pissed. I'm just too pissed to continue. Okay, well, let's do some announcements and get the hell out of here. Folks, if you want to see me doing some stand-up comedy, come on out this weekend, February 26th to March 1st. Yes, I will be at the Brea Improv in Brea, California. Great club out there, and I would love to see you come out there. Get your tickets at Harlandwiliams.com.

And then the following week, I will be in Winnipeg. Oh, my God, that's in Canada. Cold, scary, but it's going to be a great show. Great club. Winnipeg, Manitoba. at Rumors, Rumors Comedy Club. And you don't want to miss that. That's my first appearance up in Canada this year doing some shows.

So come on out. Haven't been to Winnipeg for many, many years. So come on out, you guys. So that's February 26 to March 1st. I'll be at the Brea Improv in California, Southern California, just outside of L.A. and March 5th to March 7th, I will be in Winnipeg at Rumors Comedy Club. It's going to be cool, man.

Also, check out my other dates while you're at Harlowilliams.com. You can write me at Harlowilliams.com. You can phone me at Harlowelliams.com 323-739, 433.30. That's 323-739-4330. and always love hearing from you guys and girls. I'm going to have an amazing show. The next podcast, I'm going to be talking about an incredible day that I had with some very generous people from Bush Gardens down in Florida.

Oh, my God. I had such an incredible wildlife adventure from one of the pavement pounders. I'm going to tell you about her in the next show. but she is one of the people that called into the hotline here and connected with me and I ended up going to where she works and playing with wild animals

I'm going to tell you about that the next show it was unbelievable also while you're at harlewilmsaw.com check out the store you can order merchandise and all kinds of fun stuff so there you go gang thanks for being here

Sorry about the mix-up. This is a real, once again, egg on my face. You know what? Forget egg. How about a whole full moon over my hammy right on my face? I'm so ashamed. I'm just going to go look at my nipple in the mirror. But that's all we have time for today.

I hope you have fun watching the Oscars and I hope you get some real celebrities on there. Until next time. Chicken, chameen, baby. I've been pushed and pulled this way and that way until I hate everybody.