The Harland Highway - 651 - Dangerous BOOBS, Pizza, and callers!

Episode Date: February 26, 2015

How a womans boobs can get you dead. How the wrong pizza can get you dead, and some whacky calls from the Pavement Pounders!! Harp a carp! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the most happiest time of the year with little kids singing. Wait, what? Hold on. Was that a Christmas carol? Um, stupid. Hey, everybody, it's Harlan Williams here with you on the Harlan Highway. Welcome to the show, you crazy mixed up college kids. Hope you have a good time today. We have some very interesting stories.

We're going to be taking some of your phone calls today. some very interesting calls. One caller who's not happy with what I'm doing on the podcast. He lets it all hang out. We have another woman who's completely lost. We're also going to be talking about women's breasts and how they can kill you. Guys and girls have to hear this because a woman was inadvertently killed by her own breasts.

And wait till you hear how it happened. Also, wow, do you like bacon? I think everyone likes bacon. Well, wait till you hear what they've decided to wrap in bacon this time. It might be a new low. We might have gone over the edge as a civilization, as a society. There might be no coming back from this bacon factor. But we're going to try, because this is the Harland Highway.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you, I will Please you all, believe me What is he like? What's he like? Oh, he's an angel He's an angel strength from nothing

You're going to need a bigger pose You're listening to Harlan Williams Why don't you give me a name And a face And a reason why? Oh man, what do you expect The guy's chigolo man? It's over, Jenny.

It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. It's just plain weird. You're not me.

I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money for it. Believe me. Oh, heavenly. hash ice cream. Good day to you. Good evening to you. Whatever part of the day you are immersed in.

How are you? Um, I got a wacky story for you that this is, this is, uh, I don't know. This is, this is something I think could possibly only happen in the United States of America. Um, here, here's the headline. And I guess we should. should do the wacky, uh, wacky wild, uh, news story jingle before we get into this, right, Roger? Yeah, cue it up, man. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story.

That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay. So here it is. Here's the actual headline. Woman accidentally kills herself adjusting her bra holster. What the hey-hoo?

A Michigan woman accidentally shot herself to death last month while adjusting the 22-caliber revolver in her braholster. Holy crunch witch! This poor lady was struck in the eye in her home on New Year's Day. She died the next day in the Kalamazoo Hospital where she had been. And by the way, you don't want to die in a place. called Kalamazoo. I just picture

like a Dixie band at the end of your hospital band doing, you know, Dixie music. I left my girl in Kalamazoo or something like that. You're laying there dying and they're at the end of the bed playing the clarinet.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I got a gal. In Kalamazoo. I don't want to boast, but I know she's the toast of Kalamazoo, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue, Sue. I left my girl in Kalamazoo. I left my dead body in Kalamazoo is what I did. So here's the story, and it's a tragic one. I mean, you know, you don't want to laugh at someone dying,

but when they die this way, I think maybe we got to. It says that the poor woman, the poor departed woman, was having trouble adjusting her bra holster. First of all, what kind of world do we live in when the ladies have bra holsters? Can we just start right there? So apparently she couldn't get it to fit the way she wanted it to. The St. Joseph Public Safety Director

told the Kalamazoo Gazette Kalamazoo. Is that where Dr. Seuss lives? Is it really a place? Did Dr. Seuss name that place? What do I do? I live in Kalamazoo. So she was looking down

when she was adjusting the braholster. Again, braholster. And the gun accidentally discharged. I don't like that word. Whenever you hear discharged, it's always like terminal. You can say, oh, a guy got shot over there down at Macy's bar. Yeah, someone shot him in the leg. Whenever you hear the weapon discharged,

and unfortunately the victim did not survive. It's always discharged is very ominous. So no other details were released. police are awaiting the full autopsy report. Good Lord. Isn't that horrible? This lady was a mother of two sons. She was a bookkeeper for an agency in the city,

and she had previously run the office for the Road to Life Church. I'm sorry, the road to life. just ended when you adjusted your hooters I mean good Lord what why are you packing heat when you work you work at a church you work at a community you're an administrator of community service what kind of violent neighborhood do you live in it's just a little odd And I don't know, that's got to be a weird one. You know, you never see the old gunfight, the old Clint Eastwood gunfight out in the street

where two hombrays meet up in the middle of the town and everyone's hiding in the store windows. And, you know, one guy's at the end of the street and another guy's at the other end of the street. Their fingers are twitching. And all of a sudden they go for their guns. and one of them reaches into their cleavage? Oh, damn it, hold on.

Hold on, my... I shouldn't have warned the Victoria's Secret, David. Can we do this again? My gun's stuck on my left boob. Yeah, can we... I've got to do a readjustment. Hang on. Here we go.

Let me just... Let me shift my boobs around, David. Hang up. Ah! Ha! ha! ha! No, I guess you lost that gun. fight, sweetie. So anyways, a word to the wise ladies,

if you're packing heat, in your bra. And by the way, guys, did you even know about this? Gentlemen listening, did you know that women could put a holster between their breasts? That is a dangerous place to do it. Imagine if you're in a car and you're putting your seatbelt on. You know, the seatbelt always goes right down between the cleavage, separates the breasts.

I mean, imagine putting your seatbelt on and you put it on too tight or something and it's like, boom, you're done. Or, you know, if you're with a guy, ladies, you better tell them. You better tell them you're packing heat in there. Can you imagine a guy going to second base and getting his face shot off?

Hello. So, scary stuff, rest in peace. or I guess I should say breast in peace. And I hope you're doing okay up at the big Kalamazoo graveyard. I liked her looks when I carried her books in Kalamazoo, zoos, so, zo, so, so, so. I'm going to send a wire hopping on a flight. Living today. Am I dreaming?

I can hear screaming. Mr. Jackson and everything So K-A-L-A-M-A-C-O Oh, what a gal A Real Pippooroo I'll make my bid for that freckle-face kid I'm hurrying to I'm going to Michigan to see the sweetest gal Kalamazoo

Zoo Okay, so I wasn't planning to really do a running commentary on the Kalamazoo music I just had in there. But, you know, after putting it in, I have to say there is something so, so refreshing and nice about that type of music. I know we live in an age of, you know, Taylor Swift and. You know, the bass, the bass, I love myself the bass, or whatever, that crap song. There's so much, you know, manufactured junk out there. But you listen to an old tune like that where it's so innocent about a guy singing about his girl from Kalamazoo. And it's just, I don't know, there's something very innocent about it.

It's such a throwback to a time when things seemed so much simpler. and, you know, fancy-free and there was a purity to things, especially in the music industry, which isn't to say we shouldn't explore the music the way we have up to current date. I mean, it's art, so you got to throw everything at the wall. But I'm just saying that old, old stuff is, it's got a little bit of magic to it. I don't know if you agree or not, but it kind of caught me off guard when I was listening to it, and I was like, man, man, this is crazy.

Anyway, so just a little side note, but let's talk about something that's more up-to-date, something that's more in keeping with today's world. Let me tell you another little story. I got a whole bunch of wacky stories today. How about this one? Little Caesar's Pizza Chain tries bacon. wrapped crust pizza. What?

Yeah, that these guys, they've devised a brand new, a brand new way to, you know, feed the public's obsession with bacon. And this is how they're doing it. They're wrapping bacon around the pizza crust of their pizzas. Good Lord, more specifically, three and a half feet of bacon. wrapped around the pizza crust. Oh, my God.

You know, sometimes you go out to a fancy restaurant and you get little scallops wrapped in bacon, and that's enough. That's like some good bacon. But wrapping a pizza up in bacon, wow. I mean, we just love bacon on everything. I think just right here and now I decided when I die, I want my coffin wrapped in bacon.

I mean, what a great way to die. What a great way to go out. The funeral home will smell delicious. I'll be lowered into the ground with the, you know, I'll probably be out in the sun, right? They always have that little ditty at the graveyard before they lower the coffin and everyone's standing around and the sun's going to be hitting my coffin and the bacon will start sizzling and people's mouths will start watering and they'll be whispering.

Oh, my God, John, this is the most delicious funeral. ever been to. Smells excellent. Let's dig up a body and eat it. Wrap it in bacon. I mean, man, maybe zombies. Maybe zombies. I wonder if zombies have a taste for bacon.

I wonder if zombies could think would they wrap a human being in bacon before eating them? I mean, even zombies probably love things wrapped in bacon. I'm surprised like lions and tigers and sharks haven't cut on to this yet. You know, because if they get the chance, they'll eat a human being, a great white or a Siberian tiger, an African lion. If they get a chance, they'll eat you. But I wonder if they'll ever catch on to wrapping us in bacon first.

Oh, they're delicious. I don't know. So anyways, back to little Caesars. These guys want to wrap their deep crust pizza and see what happens. It says every time you take a bite out of the crust, you'll get bacon. How about we change that to every time you take a bite out of the crust,

you'll get fat. Or you'll get cancer. I don't know. Isn't a pizza already just packed? with stuff? Do we really need more stuff for a right? Can't you just order bacon on your pizza? Do you have to get it wrapped? Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more

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Oh my God, that answers my question. There's already bacon. Basically, they're wrapping bacon in bacon at this point. If there's already bacon on the pizza and you're wrapping on you, oh, my God. That's like the old joke at Christmas where you wrap, wrap some wrapping paper. That's what that would be like. If you bought a roll of wrapping paper, Christmas wrapping paper, and then wrapped it with a different roll of wrapping paper

and gave someone a roll of wrapping paper underneath the wrapping paper. This is what's happening here, ladies and gentlemen. So this is crazy. Here's how they explain themselves away. Like many food makers and food sellers, Little Caesars is looking for a new way to cash in on the nation's continued infatuation with all things bacon.

Was I right? Domestic bacon cells have climbed for five consecutive years recently hitting. Are you ready? The $4 billion mark. Reports, research, special, information says Bacon has shown up in recent years

and everything from Sundays at Burger King to milkshakes at Red Robin its popularity is sizzling. Get it? Yeah, real cute guys. Well, how about is it also showing up in the heart ward

at your local hospital? It doesn't end there. They say bacon has become the ultimate indulgence. As a comfort food, bacon has emotional connections for many consumers with mom-made breakfasts and weekend morning family occasions. I don't know. Is that pushing it? Do you people have emotional family connections to your bacon?

I mean, good Lord. When you go to therapy, do you talk to your therapist? about bacon? Do you sleep at night with a bacon doll? Do you cuddle your bacon doll at night? Do you go for bacon therapy? I don't know. So let's get into it then.

Here's the health side of it. It says you might not want to look at the nutritional value. A single slice weighs in at 450. calories, 23 grams of fat, 830 milligrams of sodium, and 40 milligrams of cholesterol. Wow. You can always get a plain cheese pizza or veggie pizza, they say. This is a more indulgent offering for a demographic that craves premium quality. No, it's not.

How about a demographic that craves obesity and fatness? But who cares? Hey, we're all people with free will, free choice. If we want to eat a bacon-wrapped pizza, we will. There's nothing wrong with it. I think we all know it's probably not good for you. But if you want to eat one, eat one. The concept came from someone at Little Caesars.

A team member was dining out a few years ago and ordered a bacon-wrapped fillet. That dining experience spurred the team. I guess they have a bacon team, that little Caesars, to figure out a way to wrap bacon around the pizza crust. But there could be some challenges. Uh-oh, here we go. Here comes, there's the pros and the cons.

Here's where the trouble starts. They say that this could slow things down in the kitchen. the added complexity of wrapping bacon around the crust could disrupt efforts to sell other products. Are you kidding me? I mean, how difficult is it to wrap a damn couple of slices of bacon around a pizza? Hello?

It's also a little bit problematic because Little Caesars appeals to a budget-minded consumer. And the bacon might crank the price up a little bit. So there you go. A very, very interesting development in the world of pizza and bacon. And like I said, we all live in the United States of America. We're free to buy what we want. Here's what I recommend.

I recommend you go one state. step further, you order your bacon-wrapped pizza, and when it comes, break out a can of chocolate icing, you know, the Duncan's Heinz cake icing, or, you know, dump out a couple of cans of that and just baste the top of your bacon-wrapped pizza, just to really bring home that deliciousness. and then sprinkle chocolate chips on it and drizzle it with Hershey's chocolate sauce and then put an IV drip in your arm because you're going to need that

to help you get to the hospital when you have a sugar coma happen or your arteries seal up and you can't reach the phone. So there you go. Enjoy your bacon-wrapped pizza 30 minutes

and you're fat hello okay I'm calling in reference to a as you have on Craigslist it says that you need a few new people for our company's warehouse department

okay I went on Craigslist I could not find anything about Your warehouse department. You can reach me at 267-9-7-4. Okay, my name is Christine, all right? I like to hear from you. Okay, sounds kind of hot, Christine.

Thanks. There's just one little problem. I don't have a warehouse, and I didn't place an ad on Craigslist. Maybe you missed the whole message when you called the Harlan hotline that said, hi, this is the Harland Hotline. Leave a message for the Harland Highway podcast.

I don't believe there was any mention of a warehouse or a position opening for the warehouse. At the Harland Highway, we're a highway. We're a long, long stretch of road. We're not a warehouse. That's a

different structure. That's a different entity. But I did like, there was a little sense of authority in your voice. I like the way you kind of were like, I want to hear from you. Oh, say it again, Christine. Okay. My name is Christine. All right. I like to hear from you. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. And your name again? Okay. My name is Christine. All right. Okay. Christine, right. Okay. Christine, right. Okay. I like to hear from you. So I'll keep you posted on how that's going.

Good Lord. Thanks for calling. Let's see if anyone else is called in. Arland, I bet you can't go one podcast without going on a rant about something depressing going on in the world. Stick to comedy, dude. Later. Ouch. Ouch.

Wow. Yikes. This guy doesn't. like the direction I'm going in, I guess. You know, every now and then I do touch on topics that are real, that involve the state of affairs in the world. And I don't create the state of affairs. I mean, there are some crazy things going on in the world that one could be perceived,

one could perceive as being depressing or could get depressed hearing about them. and sometimes they're hard to overlook because they're so in our faces, right? They're big events. Like, you know, if I did a podcast and let's say 9-11 happened in the middle of my podcast, should I not talk about 9-11? If, you know, some guys burned alive in a cage in the Middle East, should I not talk about it? Now, that being said, you know, that stuff is a bit. heavy, and I do try to stay away from it. So for the record, if you go back and listen to all 650 episodes of the Harland Highway,

I can pretty much promise you that probably 98% of it is all comedy. So every now and then I do dip into, you know, extreme matters that that affect. the world that affect me. I mean, this podcast is also an outlet for me as much as it is for you. So I like to be funny, but I also like to talk about things that get way heavy on my mind. And I get it. I always feel a bit uncomfortable when I do talk about the serious stuff because, you know, I'm not a reporter.

I'm not well-versed or schooled in those matters. You know, I'm not a journalist. I just kind of shoot from the hip and kind of throw my opinions out there and I always feel a bit weird because, you know, I'm not a political guy and so I'm always afraid of reactions exactly like this.

You know, some guy like, you know, just stick to the comedy, dude. You're depressing. And if you find that stuff depressing, I apologize, but I can't, you know, please everybody on my podcast. So I've got to, I've just got to do what I do.

And I hear you, though, man, listen, I'm not ignoring your call. I do need to watch that I don't get too pulled into that stuff because, you know, my podcast really at the end of the day is to take people away from all that madness, to help people shut it off and just laugh. So in a way, what you said is a little bit heavy, but in a way, it's also a good reminder. so I don't disrespect what you said. And I probably won't stop touching on, on, you know, serious stories now and then when it's, I feel it's warranted. But I do like to do the comedy the most, and I will try my best to stick to it.

Okay, man, can you hang in there? Can you hang in there, dude, dude, dude, do you hang in there, dude, dude, are we okay? Okay. Are we all right? All right. Are we still dudes? Dude. Dude. Dude. Dude. Right on, dude. Dude. We're still dudes, right? Dude. Dude. Dude. You're my dude. Stick to comedy, dude.

Don't. Go stupid, dude. All right, I'm sticking to comedy. I appreciate the calls. I love it, man. This is the type of feedback I ask for. I get it. I appreciate your honesty. I will try and watch it and not get too heavy on your asses, all right? If anybody has a counterpoint to this argument, let me know. And we'll leave it right there. We'll leave the show hanging right there. If you do want to call me, you know, the number 323-739-4-330, or if you want to write me, you can write me at Harlandwiliams.com.

I might read your mail or play your phone call on the show, as you've just heard. Whether it's good or bad, it doesn't matter. Also, lots of stand-up comedy coming up. Please check out my schedule at harlemwilms.com. I'm going to be in Brea, Brea, California, this weekend. Okay? Starting tonight, I'll be in Brea at the Improv. So check that out.

And then next weekend, I'll be in Winnipeg, Canada, up there in Manitoba. It's going to be cool. That'll be next Thursday through Saturday. And this weekend in Brea is tonight through Sunday. Next weekend, Winnipeg, Thursday through Saturday. And then I got a show coming up at the Foxwoods in Connecticut. I've got hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio, all kinds of great stuff. Go to Harlowiams.com, check out the comedy schedule, and you can buy tickets right off the website.

All the links are there. Also, check out our store. Got all kinds of really cool items for sale, the magic fuck-off t-shirt. You'll have to see it to believe it. Go to the store, and you can watch a little video and see how the magic. t-shirt works it's an absolute riot everybody's ordering them it is great stuff we have books we have music we got CDs we got DVDs we got t-shirts we got all kinds of fun stuff so so check it out um also check out my new app fallopio if you have an android phone we were banned from

apple so uh you have to go to if you have an android phone fallopio is a game where philopio Runs through the fallopian tubes and shoots bad sperm cells preventing them from getting to the egg and creating bad, bad people like Hitler, Osama, Screech, Richard Simmons, people like this. It's a lot of fun. I think it's 99 cents or something like that and hours and hours of fun. There's like 32 layers to this game. Philopio and please check out my YouTube channel. You can subscribe to my channel down at the bottom of the page. You'll see the YouTube icon.

You just click on that and boom, you've subscribed. And you'll get all my videos. And I've started releasing my four-hour indie movie called Fudgey Wudge Face. Every Monday, I put out a new clip from the movie. There's never before seen, seen. being released. There's footage that was not in the original DVD release, and it's really absurd.

It's a movie that took me six years to make. I did it on my own kind of with a bunch of comedian buddies on the weekends, and it's a real labor of love. It's a very silly, stupid movie, which is exactly what I wanted it to be. So check it out. I'm releasing five-minute chunks every Monday. and they will come to you.

And if you like it, you can keep watching. And if you hate it, you can just unsubscribe. But again, it's like caller said, it's all about trying to make you laugh. So there you go. I hope you enjoy that. So that's it. Check me out at the Brea Improv this weekend in Brea, California.

And that's all we got for today, gang. I hope you had a great time. And until next time, let me talk about. nuclear proliferation no um until next time chicken chamehameh baby all right i like you hear from you