The Harland Highway - 652 - Harland goes to Busch Gardens. KFC has done it again!!

Episode Date: March 2, 2015

Harland goes on an amazing trip through Busch Gardens, WOW! Also, KFC has created a NEW food product, wait till you hear! Crunch your brunch!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, you ready to go wild today, player? You ready to go all wild and crazy? Yes, yes. It is a wild show today. Most of today's show is dedicated to my incredible adventure at Bush Gardens. Some wonderful people who I'll tell you about took me on a private tour. I got to mingle with all the animals, all the African critters. And what a great experience.

Got real up-close, intimate, and personal with a whole bunch of lions and hyenas and hippopotamuses and all kinds of stuff. There's too much here to mention. I'll have to listen to the show. And I got to feed them and I wanted to breastfeed one of them. I mean, it's just crazy. So check that out. That's what we're going to be talking about today. Really good time.

And then also, at the end of the show, there's a brand new offering being made by the fast food industry that's almost a bit of a mind blower. We're going to talk about that. I'll tell you what it is. They've come up with something that you can now eat as part of your meal at the fast food restaurants. Kind of freaky. Is it bad? Is it good? You be the judge.

Just don't throw me in jail because I need to be free so I can record. The Harland. Highway Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you I will please you all

Believe me What is he like What's he going Anyway Oh He's an angel He's an angel Start from nothing

You're gonna need a bigger You're listening to Harland Williams Why don't you give me a name And a face And a reason why Your Man What do you expect

The guy has chigolo man It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird.

Just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money's worth. Believe me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's going to get wild today. It's going to get wild today. We've got monkeys, lions, giraffes, snakes, all kinds of stuff. Here we go. Boy, oh boy, I was treated to a spectacular. outing just a few weekends ago, and I want to thank my friends out at Bush Gardens in Florida. First of all, Anna, one of the pavement pounders, who you guys heard her phone message. She called in just before Christmas, and she's like, hey, Harland, I hear you're going to be in Orlando doing some shows. I work at Bush Gardens. I'd love to take you behind the scenes and introduce you to the animals and show you where I

work and take you around and uh and i i wrote her back in the email i said i would love it i would absolutely love it and sure enough anna showed up at the show which i feel bad by the way because uh she bought a ticket and i know you're probably listening and uh i promised anna next time i'm down that way my show is on her i have got her covered her and her friend Sarah, who came out to the bush gardens, who also works there. And so they came out to the show, and I was like, let's do this. Let's go to the bush gardens.

And it was fantastic. Oh, my God. You know, I love the critters. I love the animals. And so sure enough, we met up with Sarah and Anna over there at Bush Gardens. and we started off we went up and saw these giant 9 million-year-old tortoises the Galapagos tortoises

I mean if you've seen your if you've seen your pet shop brand turtle well imagine these tortoises being like the Jurassic Park version I mean these tortoises are almost the size of a smart car and probably just about as fast as a smart car, by the way, but just huge, huge turtles. And these things live hundreds of years.

And so we saw that. And then from there, we went to, we went right to the hyenas. And I love hyenas. Aienas are very kind of mysterious and ominous and scary. And they're kind of, they look like they're always on the make. but they're always looking to take you down and eat your bones. And so this was great. We go into the hyena enclosure,

and we got to go beyond, like, the regular wall where the public goes. And Anna and Sarah say, hey, how would you like to feed hyenas? And I'm like, well, in my head, I'm like, are you kidding me? I've never fed a hyena. At what point in your life do you wake up in the? the morning when you live in North America and say, well, I think I'll go feed me a hyena. It just doesn't happen, right? So I'm like, okay, yes, yes, I want to feed hyenas.

So here I am thinking I'm going to throw like a, you know, the leg of a horse or a zebra neck or some draught teeth or something. I don't know. And we get into the enclosure and they hand me this box. and it's full of meatballs, great big meatballs, the size of snowballs, and hard-boiled eggs. And between us and the hyenas was a big trench, like a moat full of water. And I'm like, well, how do we feed them? And they go, you just throw them.

And I'm like, wait, what? They're like, just throw the meatballs and the eggs. So here I am. first thing in the morning I wake up and I'm throwing meatballs at a wild hyena I'm throwing raw eggs boiled eggs

at a top African predator and I thought this just wouldn't happen in nature this is like a one-sided snowball fighter a meatball fight I'm like can't we just take the poor guys to IKEA and let them eat the meatballs at the buffet do we have to throw meatballs at them.

But they loved it. The hyenas were gobbling it up. And it was funny because they're not like your regular cats and dogs. You know, when you throw something made of food at a cat or a dog, they have very quick reflexes and they usually snap it out of the air, especially dogs, man. They just, they'll take stuff out of the air with the blink of an eye. But the hyenas, they're.

They're not wired like that. So they just stare at you and they wait for the meatballs to crash into the ground. And I was worried because they don't really move. And I almost threw a meatball right in one of their faces because they just stare at it until it hits. So I'm glad I didn't hit the hyena with a meatball in the face. But it was interesting, too, a lot of wild birds like egrits and cranes and herons and all these wild Florida birds when they saw us throwing food they started landing and they were trying to like get the meatballs on the boiled eggs and at one point i'm like wait a minute i'm throwing eggs and birds

and the birds are eating the eggs and i'm like that's like that's like throwing a human being to geoffrey dalmer that's cannibalism man the hell am i doing throwing eggs that a bird and the birds eating the eggs Come on, dude go get some seeds or something So anyways we started there We had the meatball war with the hyenas

Then we went to see this giant hippopotamus And they let me feed it a giant melon Like a cantaloupe or something Or a honey melon or something Like the whole melon This guy opened his mouth like two feet in front of me And they're like, Yep, just throw it in.

It's almost like you ever see when the garbage man comes and he picks up a garbage can and the back of the garbage truck opens really wide and they just throw all the crap in. That's what it's like feeding a hippo, man. They walk up, they open that gigantic mouth and you just start shoveling stuff in and then they close it.

And what I didn't know is when they closed their mouth on the melon, it exploded. so it's like a when he closed his mouth on the melon it was like a cannon going off I was like jumped backwards I was like whoa whoa whoa whoa easy um so we did that

and then we got to go in and see the lions we actually got to go back behind the scenes where they you know there's the outdoor part where they keep the lions and then there's the indoor part where they kind of come in and get out of the shade and if the lions are getting rambunctious They can separate them for a while, let them cool off. And so you're right there.

It's like an oversized dog house. And the lions are sitting right there up against the cage. If they allowed us to, we could have stuck our fingers in and touched them, which you never do. P.S. You never stick your hand in a wild animal cage. But that's how close they were. And my God, magnificent. When you look at a real African lion in the face

and you study the details and you look at the intensity and the wildness and the deep, deep, deep lineage of such an ancient predator, you can just see the wildness in their eyes and the majesty. There's no doubt that the lion is the king of the beasts. just by default, the way it looks, the way it carries itself, it's colorings, its markings, its posture, it's just such an elegant and regal animal. And when you're that close to it and you can just feel its energy

and feel its penetrating stare and you look at the way it holds itself and carries itself, They're just beyond magnificent animals. Just a, there's a sense of energy and power and intimidation. And the lions just unbelievable. You know, you almost go in a trance staring at these lions. And we also went in with the tigers, which are technically bigger than the lions. And as beautiful as the tigers are for whatever.

reason they don't carry, in my opinion, they don't carry that regalness that the lions have. And I think it's the lions with that giant mane and their huge faces and the big golden eyes. And the tigers are unbelievably gorgeous. But the lions have this essence to them that just makes them feel like they are truly the masters. So we got right up close to those guys. We got to feed them and something that was very bizarre. The handlers who were there who were working with those big cats, all of a sudden threw some oregano onto the floor of the tiger cage.

And then with the lions, they threw some paprika or some cilantro or something. these very strong spices and the big cats went nuts they started rolling around in it and they became very kind of subdued it wasn't like catnip where they got high but they just got they just kind of got euphoric they rolled around in the spices that were sprinkled all over the floor and I'm like who knew

if you're ever getting charged by a lion out in the wilderness just pull out of some cinnamon Cinnamon, have some cinnamon, you know, just, apparently it just shuts them down. Forget about your high-powered 98-caliber hunting rifle. Just lay down 11 herbs and spices from KFC, and you got that thing laying on its back, purring like a house cat. Very unusual. Something new. I had no idea that the, um, the,

big, the big top predator cats could be disarmed by sprinkling paprika in their path. They just roll in it and get it in their fur and go nuts. Then we got to go see some, some parrots, and we got to go see some giraffes. We went in the cage with a big giant Burmese python and got to sit with that, and it's just staring at us like, What the hell are you doing in here? You know, I can swallow you. I mean, this is my enclosure, and I don't really appreciate the company.

I'm just sun in here under my heat lamps. And you jack wards come in here? I could swallow you whole, guy. I'm doing you a favor by not swallowing you whole right now. But if you piss me off, I'm going to swallow your hole. So that's always a little intimidating, sitting with a giant snake. and then I got to do something so fun. They had a sloth, a three-toed sloth out,

and one of the handlers was cradling it in her arms and was feeding this thing, like fruit and berries and green beans. And I got to feed this little guy a green bean, and it's probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen. I filmed it. I did like a selfie, and if you want to see the footage, go to my YouTube channel and just look for the heading.

It says the cutest animal in the world. And you'll see me feed this adorable sloth. I mean, if I ever have a kid, I want it to look like this sloth. I don't care that it's covered in hair. I don't care that its eyes are wide apart. I don't care it as three giant claws for fingers. I want my kid to look exactly like a sloth. And even though I'm a male, if I have a kid that cute, I will breastfeed it.

I will give it my milk. I don't care. It's just too damn cute. I will allow some sloth to de-sucking, okay? I will put that cute little critter on my booby faster than a chubby and spandex with her brand new baby at Walmart. All right? I will let that sloth suck away on my ariole until it turns purple. Okay, that's so cute the sloth is

You gotta go see it Check out my YouTube channel And by the way, I'm also going to put up the footage of I haven't done it yet But I'm going to put up the footage of me feeding the hippopotamus And you can see the giant melon blow up And scare the crap out of me Unfortunately, I think I might have some footage

Of throwing meatballs at the hyenas too I'll try and find that and put that up there. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority plus 100% free shipping.

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And then, so we did all that, and then we saved the Piaas de resistance until the very end of the day. And again, I can't thank Anna and Sarah enough for, you know, this was their day off and they took, you know, who wants to go into your own workplace on your day off? And these girls, they were with us for about four hours and they were walking all over this park and showing us where they work and what they do.

And it was so unbelievably gracious and kind and giving. And, you know, I said thank you. you a million times at the end, but I really can't express or overstate how grateful I am for that amazing experience. So thanks again, girls. You are the best. But then, as I said, we saved the best for last. Well, before I say that, Sarah was actually worked more with the hoofed animals and the drafts and the gazelles. And unfortunately, Unfortunately, we didn't have time to get in right close with them. We were trying to track down a vehicle so we could drive around with them.

So we had to see them from a little bit of a distance, but still just spectacular. And then Anna is one of the handlers that runs the cheetah enclosure. And so we saved the best for last. And Anna took us in to see her beloved cheetahs. And oh my God, just once again, we got up right close and these beautiful cheetahs were there and they were purring. I guess they're the only, Anna was saying,

as far as the big cats go, they're the only ones that purr. And they have this sweet little, this high-pitched little purr they do where it's deceiving because you just want to hug them. You just want to sit on your lazy boy and watch Dancing with the Stars and cuddle with a cheetah, man. And then suddenly it eats your throat.

But gorgeous, gorgeous cats. They're a little more, they're not as feline-like as, well, I shouldn't say that. They're very feline, but they're not quite as, they don't look like they're as built for destruction the way tigers and lions are. You know, lions and tigers are very huge. They have the large paws and the huge fangs and the retractable claws. Whereas a cheetah's claws are always out.

They're not retractable. They're not needle-like. They're not super sharp. They're more in line with kind of a dog's claws. And their teeth, although they have fangs and powerful teeth, they're not huge like six-inch. you know, canines that could, you know, crush your neck and a bite. A cheetah's real method of killing is it, of course, it's speed, it chases down its prey,

and then it does a death grip on the throat. It grabs the prey's throat and crushes the breathing passage and suffocates the animal. And just to be up close to these cheetahs, and they have gigantic eyes. When you think of an owl, take an owl's eyes, those great big eyes and put them on a big cat. And they have these gorgeous, gorgeous eyes, and just they're sleek and they're streamlined and they're elegant and they're, they've got a gentle docileness to them. But yet underneath that guys, there's obviously a top apex predator there that can chase down its prey at, speeds of 65 miles an hour. Can you

imagine? Think about driving in your car at 65 miles an hour. Okay, that's pretty damn fast. A lot of highways, a lot of highways don't let you go over 55. So imagine a large cat

outrunning you on a major highway going 55. Yeah. Now, that is some intense speed. They can only do it in short bursts. obviously but wow it's just a phenomenal feat so of course these guys weren't running around they were very passive because they were in their enclosures and uh you know they were just chilling out you know they're just sitting there having a corona with a lime wedge and uh

think they had some nachos gone sun visors on beach umbrellas they were just chilling you know so i was chilling with the cheetahs that should be my new album chilling with the cheetahs what am I talking about I don't do albums anyways so it was just a great way to cap

off the day to be in there and so intimate with the cheetahs and you can see how proud Anna was of being able to work with such magnificent animals you could see she was beaming she was excited

she was alive You know, she has so much passion for her cheetahs, her work. And that's what these type of animals need. They need people who get them, who can show them the love and give them the appropriate energy and have respect for them and really, really care for them when they're in a captive environment, like a wild animal park. So those fortunate cheetahs couldn't have had someone who was more committed to them than Anna. And what a delight it was to see her energy.

Just, you know, she was connecting with these animals without even having to talk to them. And they were very aware of her. They were locked in on her. And she was locked in on them. And it was just a real, real great way to come. cap off a wonderful day so Anna thank you so much that was magnificent

and Sarah likewise just unbelievable we had a great time I went with one of the other comedians Tony God who was on the show with me that weekend and he loved it too Tony had a

moment with one of the orangutangs we went back in to see the orangutans and one of the female orangutangs was all up in his business. I went up to the glass and the orangutan was like, yeah, whatever. She didn't really like me, but then

she saw Tony, and we were all standing there laughing because this orangutang is like checking Tony out. You could see her eyes going up and down his body, and she was definitely like staring at his ass and his groin region. I don't know if, you know, if she was like, you know,

looking at his package, but she was a feisty little orangutan. She had the hots for Tony, and she could have got through the glass. Holy smokes. There could have been some forcible loving happen there, I think. So Tony's pretty lucky that hairy little lady didn't get her hairy little hands all over him, man. Although if I know Tony, he would have loved it. So there you go. That was our wonderful day at Bush Gardens.

Thank you, Bush Gardens for having us. And thank you, thank you, thank you, Anna and Sarah for being such gracious and wonderful hosts. And it'll be an experience that stays with me for the rest of my life, I'll tell you. So there you go. That was my adventure, and as I said, I'm going to put up some of those videos in the next few days.

So make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel. The sloth feeding one is already up, and it's just like a minute long, but it's just going to melt your heart. You're just going to want to go out and get a sloth. And I'll put the hippo one up, and if I can find the meatball throwing one, I'm going to put that up too So there you go gang My Day at Bush Gardens with Anna

And Sarah One cheeseburger with everything Coming up And speaking of fast food Let's end the show with this wacky story Check this headline out KFC You know the chicken people

KFC to test Edible Coffee Cop Uh hello So here's an article that said there's no need to order dessert. The coffee cup is the dessert. This 100% edible cup is made from a special wafer-like biscuit then wrapped in sugar paper and lined with a layer of heat-resistant white chocolate.

It's called the scoffy cup, and KFC is developing a range of edible cups So that you can just eat your cup Yeah, in a way it's ingenious And in a way it's just gross I mean in a way Think of all the paper that's used To make cups

Think of all the trees that are cut down Think of all the The garbage that fills the landfills the landfills Landfill sites Okay, so there's an upside to this But, I mean, it's a little peculiar. You ever see a goat out in a yard or in a garbage dump just eating a can or a, you know, goats will eat just about anything? And I'm just picturing how elegant is it going to be you're at KFC or Starbucks?

And you're sitting out in the sunshine on the patio and you're scoping out some hot mama. It's a beautiful babe sitting there, kind of sipping on her coffee, real sexy. And you're like, I'm going to go over and say hi to that chick. And then all of a sudden she starts eating her cop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, you know what?

I think I'll just go to my car and drive home. Wait. Wait. Come back. Can I eat your car? I mean, that's hilarious, man. What's next plates? I mean, edible planks and knives.

You know, you see a kid, you think he's licking a lollipop or he's got a popsicle. Oh, do you have a little treat, Billy? No, this is the knife from Denny's. I just had brunch. Oh, why are you talking like that? a full grown man, Billy. I don't know. You do the voices.

Why didn't you do a kid's voice? I don't know. But good Lord. Yeah, waitress. I'll skip the main course. Just bring me a plate full of knives. Yeah, I'm going to eat the knives. And if you could,

could I get an order of coffee cups on the side, please? And you know what? Don't worry about wiping this. table because I'm just going to eat it after I eat the plates and the knives and the how much for that window over there that looks like icing to me in fact how much do you I want to eat you I'm going to eat you alive so you know it's like put sugar on anything in the United States and then it's edible man bone appetit good night nelly fruit Nelly Frutato roll-up.

Let's go eat Nellie Frutato roll-ups in the park and then eat the swing set. Anyways, let's get out of here. I'm eating this segment alive. What can I tell you? What can I tell you? Let's do a few announcements. If you want to see me doing some live stand-up comedy,

I will be up in Winnipeg, Winnipeg, Manitoba. What was I thinking? It's still winter. I never do shows in the winter. I thought March, oh, March is spring. But maybe late March. What was I thinking early March? But nonetheless, a great club, great town.

Haven't been up to Winnipeg for a long time. So come on out to Rumors Comedy Club. That's going to be Thursday, March 5th through Thursday, March 9th, March 7th. Hold on. Let me do that again. Now I'm all confused. Thursday, March 5th through Saturday, March 7th. There, I got it out.

Wow. I'm all discombobble. I'm still thinking about that sloth suckling on me. And then what else can I tell you, player? That's going to be it as far as shows for March. But come April, you can catch me at hilarities in Cleveland, Ohio. That's going to be April 9 through 11. And then I will be at the Ontario Improv in April, April 16th through the 19th.

And that I'll be at Comics in Connecticut. Haven't been up there forever. That's April 23rd to 25th. I'll be at the Nova Scotia Comedy Festival, the Halifax Comedy Festival, on Wednesday, April 22nd. and then I'm going up to Ottawa, Canada's capital, Ottawa, Ontario, yuck yucks. Yuck yucks in Ottawa, Ontario, and that is Thursday, April 30th to May 2nd. So a busy month in April, kind of quiet in March, and check my website,

harlom Williams.com, where you can find all these dates, and you can actually book your tickets, reserve your tickets, online. So there you go. Well, you're there, check out the Harlan Williams store. We've got all kinds of great merchandise, the Magic F-Off T-shirt, the CDs, the kids books, the T-shirts, all kinds of stuff there.

Just order away and we'll send it out to you. And what else? What else? Oh, yeah, the YouTube channel. At the bottom of my website, there's a YouTube subscribe button. Just click on that. And any wacky videos I put up, you'll get them absolutely free. Right now we're posting every Monday a new clip from my four-hour mega movie that I did,

Fudgy Wudgy Fudge Face. Every Monday for the next year and a half, we're going to put five minutes up. so you can kind of follow along with this movie and see where it goes. This adventure that I shot, six years in the making, ridiculous movie. So check it out. Lots to do at Harlan Williams.com. Please go there and tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. Get your friends listening and laughing and having fun. So that's it for today.

I hope you're all good. I hope y'all find your own little three-toed sloth. And once again, thanks to Anna and Sarah from Bush Gardens. What a great time. And until next time, chicken. Chaumain, baby. Thank you.