The Harland Highway - 656 - KRINKY McKRINGLES celebrates St. Patty's Day. Insane Applebee's lawsuit.

Episode Date: March 16, 2015

Today we celebrate St. Patty's Day with Irish leprechaun Krinky McKringles, uggg. Also, a sizzling hot lawsuit at Applebee's. And Harland does some manual labor. Dig my wig!!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yes, everybody. Welcome. Welcome, my friends. To the Harland Highway podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I don't know where you are. You're walking your dog. You're whistling. You're skipping. You're at your office. Whoever you are, wherever you are. Thanks for listening. We have a great show. Today we're going to be celebrating St. Patrick's Day. There has been a request for Crinky McRingles to come in. No way is that going to happen. Not on my watch. Uh-uh. Don't like that annoying little leprechaun.

Okay, maybe he will be here. Oh, God. Oh, God, I hope not. Yes, he's going to be here. Oh, my God. Also, crazy news story. Wait, you hear what this idiot did. Some guy tried to sue Applebee's

over the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard. Way do you hear how this plays out. It just makes me laugh thinking about it. We'll be talking about that. Also, I got down and dirty, and I got into some physical, physical labor, and I can't wait to tell you all about it. Why I'm so excited about this physical labor? I don't know.

I just, damn. I can't figure it out. I'm euphoric about it. So I hope you're euphoric about this podcast. This is the Harlan Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you, I will please you all, believe me

What is he like? What's he going? Anyway, he's an angel. He's an angel strength of nothing. You're going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Oh, man, what do you expect the guy to jiggle-all man?

It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird.

You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money for us. Believe me. The Harland Highway

Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff Yeah let's start it off With something a little wacky And a little weird Today This is a nutty story man

I gotta start to show off with this Let me give you the headline Right out of the gate, okay? If this doesn't make you laugh immediately. You might as well just switch to another podcast. Here's the headline, man burned by food while praying can't sue Applebee's. A New Jersey court says a man cannot seek damages for burns he suffered while bowing his head in prayer over a sizzling steak fajita skillet at a Burlington County Applebee's. what the hell is wrong with people

good lord did you not recognize the sound of sizzling and crackling and did you not notice there was steam and smoke coming up off your fajitas there pal maybe I hope you're praying for a brain

is what I'm hoping for you know that's like going to one of those places You know, where you go and get the wok full of boiling water and you throw all your stuff in the walk. Yeah, before we eat, does anyone mind if I stick my head in the walk and sizzle my face? Does anyone mind? Would you mind throwing some mushrooms and some ginger

and some scallions into the boiling walk water? So when I sizzle my face, it's flavorful. Yeah. Oh, I just, you know, I like when I eat, I like to have a nice clean complexion, so I'm going to sizzle my face. Good Lord, buddy. And you're going to sue? It's Appleby's fault that you're a moron that you don't recognize the sound and scent and scent and visual cues of something hot and burning and sizzling. Give me a break.

Talk about a scam artist. And, you know, just because you're praying doesn't mean you have to bow your head. Unbelievable. So this guy, this man, Herman Jamenez, claimed a waitress didn't warn him. The dish was hot. But the lower court found the hot food posed an open and obvious danger. Okay Jamines said

He bowed his head close to the table Then heard a loud sizzling noise Followed by a grease pop He then felt a burning sensation In his left eye on his face The men said he then panicked And knocked the food on his lap Causing more burns

But none of the burns left any scarring Oh God So this guy went to give thanks for his food his food didn't want to hear anything about that and attacked him basically first it went for his face and his eye and then it went right down for his family jewels the the fajito's like you know I don't really like it that this guy plans to eat me I'm really enjoying this nice hot warm dish so when this guy gets close I will sizzle

cooperate in his eye. And if that isn't enough, I will sizzle all over his penis. So the courts decided in their decision said that Jimenez described the skillet as real hot and smoking, and therefore the potential danger was self-evident. Yeah, hello, thank you, court. You know, in this world where we hear so many court cases, and you can't believe the outcome, you know, OJ gets away, there's that chick down in Florida who put duct tape and chloroform all over a baby girl

and threw her in a swamp, you know, there's Jody Arias, there's all these horrific, heinous murders that are just like blatantly, you know, covered with evidence and somehow miraculously people seem to walk away scot-free or with a lesser charge than what their crime was and you go, how can we ever win? How can we ever win? And so here comes a guy who, a full-grown man

who, for whatever reason, cannot identify the sound and feel and smell of sizzling, popping smoke and heat. I mean, this is a type of guy that would walk home. His house would be on fire. And he'd walk in the front door and start getting dinner ready. Hello, dude. Your house, you see those big orange things coming out the window?

Yeah. Those are called flames, buddy. And that black stuff that's blocking out the sun, that's called smoke. Lots of it. I mean, come on, man. But that's what cracks me up is that, you know, the court can get something like this so right, you know, a guy trying to, you know, sue for praying over his fajitas and getting burnt, but yet the court has to take nine months and, you know, $32 million of our tax dollars to convict a woman who repeatedly stabbed and slashed the throat of her boyfriend in the shower,

took pictures of it on her camera, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all, you know, all this incriminating evidence. And yet, you know, it somehow it takes like billions of dollars in our court system every year. And all these trials that seem like a giant waste of time as lawyers try to finangle their way out of their country, client's guilt.

I wish everything was just as cut and dry as the sizzling fajita prayer session. You know what, dummy? You saw that your plate was sizzling and smoking and hot. You leaned over it to pray. You got burned, dummy. Get the hell out of my courtroom. Boom. That took 20 minutes, and it cost the taxpayers $4,000.

Done and done. So the next time, I'm praying over my Applebee's fajitas because, you know, when I want authentic Mexican food, I head straight to Applebee's. I mean, nobody whips up authentic Mexican cuisine like your corner applebees. But I'm going to be praying over my sizzling fajita with my welding goggles on and praying that maybe somehow the court system learns to Speed up, expedite, court cases as quickly as they did with the sizzling fajita episode. Hello?

Hello. Hey, Harlan, this is Phil from Orange County. I met you at the Grey Improv. Loved your show. Big, big fan. So are my kids. A couple requests we have. I'd like you to bring back Freaky McRingle.

We missed that guy. It'd be great for St. Patty's Day. And also, we'd love to hear Charlie Lee. So we have a couple things to say. Cranky McRingle, Charlie Lee. Cranky McRingle, Charlie Lee. Thanks, Arland. Have a good one.

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you for calling in. What a treat. Great to hear from you. And unfortunately, no, there will be no crinky mcringles. This guy is a bratty, annoying leprechaun that, you know, used to show up pretty much every year. um for for st patrick's day and uh why he glommed on to this podcast i don't know but um i just i'm glad he's not around i love st patrick's day i do not want that freak he's he's probably

the most annoying person or thing or whatever the hell he is on planet earth i can barely understand the idiot and wait what what is that music no no no What? No, no, don't. He's here? No, don't let him in. Don't let him in. Oh, my God. Shiver me timbers, slurkey, darkly. What are you doing here, crinky McRingles? It's St. Patty's Day, don't you know? I came out from the feelings of the dip potatoes, and I decided to pay a visit. Shiver me timbers, Flarkty, darkly, schlarkty, darky. Oh, God. You know what? I don't want you in here.

But it's St. Patrick's Day. I came in from the fields of the deep potatoes. Would you quit? You didn't... You did not come in from a field full of... What are they? Deep potatoes. Deep potatoes.

Potatoes. Potatoes. Deep potatoes. Stop saying potatoes. Well, that's what they are, flirty-darkty-dur-simmer-flirty-darkty-darky. And stop with the florky-ddy-darkty. See, that's why I don't want you in here. You're too hyper.

You're making up stupid Irish things. But it said, potty stay, shiver me, slurkey, clarkty to florty. Stop it. Can you just sit down? There's a lot of Irish things you can do. without having to be hyperactive. Well, I'm glad to mention it's larky-darty. What's that mean?

Well, since it's St. Pat, Tuesday, and we've got the luck of the Irish. I brought me a lucky horseshoe. You brought a lucky horseshoe. Shiver me timbers. I keep it right here in me trousers. Ew. You've been keeping that horseshoe in your trousers? That's right.

Shibur me timbers. Timberly blim, flabbardy glim, shiver me timbers, climbly clim. Shut up! Would you stop it with that stuff? Good Lord. You're probably the most annoying, whatever you are. I'm a lepricod. My name's Crinky McRingles.

I come from Ireland. Deep, deep, deep, deep. From within the potatoes. You don't come from in the potatoes. I surely, surely do. shiver me timbers. Clarkty, darky, darky, sklarky, darky. Stop it.

God. What are you doing with the horseshoe? Well, I'm going to throw it through the air because it's so lucky, shiver me glarky. What do you mean you're going to throw it? What are you doing? Don't swing that thing around. I'm going to throw it through the air because it's a lucky horseshoe, shiver me timbers. Oh, here she goes.

Don't do it. Here she goes. Oh. Oh, you idiot. Whoops a daisy, shiver me timbers. You just threw your horseshoe through my window, you moron. Flirty, darky, shiver me timbers, glorty. That's all you've got to say.

Well, I don't know what else I would say. I'm a lucky lepracon. Real lucky. Can you, I want you to sit there and just shut up. Shiver me. No. Don't say anything? Sklark, they, flot.

No. There's no shivermy timbers. There's no florky-dorke. It's St. Patrick's Day. We celebrate Irish people. Leprocons aren't even real. Shiverty, tips. Stop it.

Flirty, dot. No. Just cut it out. Now, how long can you say? sit there and just behave yourself, Crinky McRingles. Um, I can sit here for quite a long time. I'm three million years old to be timber slim, blim, blim, blim, blim, blim.

Stop it. Why are your legs twitching? I think I'm about to break out into an Irish jig. Not in here, you're not. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God, they're flipping all over the place. I know, I can't control me jig. legs. You're jigging legs.

Oh, here they go. Shimmer be dimpers, darky, darky, darky, darky, darky. Oh, God. Open the door. Open. Jig your way out into the hall, you freak. Simpery timbers, larkty, darky, darky. Out into the hall. Shiver me timbers,

lucky, darky, darky, slippery gymp. Happy shit, happy day. I'll be like the game potatoes. Simmery gibbers. Good riddance. What a brat. Guy threw a friggin' lucky horseshoe through my window. Thanks, Crinky McRingles. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. out. Well, happy Patty's Day to any of you, any of you, any of you Irish folk out there, and I don't know if that's an Irish accent or not, but I'm trying me best. Um, because I'm

half Irish on my mother's side. Um, my mother's maiden name was O'Donnell. So I'm, I'm one of the O'Donnell clan, man. You better not miss with us, O'Donnell's man. Okay. Um, um, So proud to be Irish, proud to be part of that heritage and great people. I was over in Ireland in the summer. I told you guys about that. I was over there doing the Irish Comedy Festival. And if you want to go back and hear one of the podcasts, I actually recorded myself walking through the streets at night when it was drunk.

And everyone was out throwing up on the sidewalk and yelling and. laughing and it's a pretty cool podcast I think you'd have to go back to around probably July, late June, July, August somewhere in there and I can't tell you what number of the podcast

is but I'll give you a real feel for the Emerald Island for Ireland if you want to be if you want to be getting in the mood so so happy Patty's Day to all you Irish folk I think it's a cool day. I think it's cool when nationalities and ethnic backgrounds get to celebrate a special day. I grew up in Toronto, and they used to have a day.

They still have it. It's called Carabana. And it's a day that celebrates all the island people, the Caribbean, and that whole culture. And it was always so big and colorful. and they did a parade, and I always thought out that. That's so cool that certain nationalities and certain cultures have their own special day. And so in keeping with that, as an Irish half-Irishman, I'm excited and proud to have St. Patrick's Day. And so I hope all you guys out there, all you Irish folk, are whooping it up and celebrating your heritage.

That is awesome. hard-working, rugged people out there on the island. And speaking of hard-working, rugged people, I don't know, maybe this is the Irish in me. I had a little episode about a week ago. I had some electricians come up to the house. And as I told you guys, I decided to get myself a Tesla and the electric car.

I'm part of the prep for getting the, electric cars you have to put in a charging station so you can plug your car in at night while you sleep and the car can charge up and the way my house and my garage and everything everything's configured um it wasn't going to be easy to put the charging station in the garage so we decided to put the charging station on an outside wall um close to my garage and the electrician was like well We have one issue here. We have to dig a trench from your power box on your main house, your power box, down to this retaining wall beside your driveway where you're going to park the car

where we're going to install the charger. And I'd say it's about a 10 foot, maybe 10 to 12, 13 foot distance from the power box down to this retaining wall. And he goes, that's to be 18 inches deep and has to come down and across over to where we want to put the mount in. And I'm like, okay. And he goes, so we'll arrange a crew and we'll get some guys out here to, you know, dig it up and blah, blah, blah. And I was sitting there thinking, I'm like, okay, let's set it up. And they go, well, we can't get anyone here for like five, six days. And I was like, okay.

And as I'm standing there, you know, I'm. I'm thinking, what the hell's wrong with me? I'm a full-grown man. I've got gardening tools. I've got shovels. I've got a pick. You know? I certainly know how to dig.

There's no science to digging. It's not like setting up a new home computer. It's you stick a shovel in the ground and you pull up dirt. And I thought, why am I being so dependent on this crew? This is something I can physically do. And then I was thinking, I'll also save a little money. I wasn't trying to be cheap, but I thought, you know, in L.A., let me tell you, gang, anything you do in L.A., these guys show up at your house.

You're dropping between $500 and $1,000 for anything. Stuff in L.A. is not cheap. These guys will bilk you and milk you till the cows come home. Because, you know, California, L.A. is probably one of the most expensive places in country to live and so you want anything done a light switch or uh you know a pothole fixed or a hole in the roof you're looking at between five and two three thousand dollars where if you if this happened anywhere else in the country be like yeah it'll be two hundred dollars but l a yeah man it'll be uh fourteen hundred dollars to fix that pothole yeah yeah we had to come all the way out here

We did you a real favor. Yeah, we, you know, we really went out of our way to, you know, throw a bunch of dirt and stones into that pothole and pound it down and flatten it. You know, so, you know, since I've been talking to you, it just went up. It's going to be $1,700 for the extra two minutes. I had to stand here talking. So it's insane. And I thought, you know what?

It wasn't so much the money. I just thought, come on, I'm a man. I can dig a trench So I got the tools I got my shovels I got my picks And lo and behold I'm in there digging a trench

And uh you know A day later I've got this giant trench I've dug I've dug right down into my hill Um I've been cutting out tree roots I'm chopping out tree roots And

cutting through gopher holes digging up chunks of rock and the trickiest thing about digging a trench is you know you got to be careful because there's stuff buried whether you know about it or not there's always stuff buried in your lawn so I ended up digging through uh I think three or four old electrical cables uh three of them from some Malibu lights that were in there at one point in time you know those outdoor lights that lined the sidewalks. And then there was an old extension cord I had put down under the grass myself years ago and kind of forgot about.

And I cut through that. But I didn't mind. It was old. It was ready to go. But the trickiest thing, you've got to be very careful about water pipes. I came across two or three sprinkler pipes, which are the plastic. And it's easy to crack or pump. puncture those. So luckily I was being delicate. I kind of fished my way around. I got through those. And then I came across the main water line. So basically the water line that the city provides that feeds my house. So if I had popped that, man, there would have been a geyser. Okay. The water would have shot up like old faithful. My neighbors would have been standing around eating popcorn and waiting for bison's and, you know,

I would have had a tourist. I could have started charging people at my tourist attraction. It's Old Harland. There she blows. And then I came across a real old rusted pipe that you was just, you ever see those old pictures when they first found the Titanic and they go underwater in the middle of the ocean? And the hull of the ship is like,

you can tell it's a ship by the shape of it, but there's like these kind of layers of rust. It looks like melting ice cream. Yeah, so I found an old metal pipe under my earth that looked like it was like melting chocolate fudge. It was so rusty that there were like layers and clumps of rust around this thing. And I'm like, I don't even want to know where that goes to, man. It was almost like digging up a dead body.

It was so decrepit. It's like a zonement. zombie pipe, you know, it actually scared me. So, yeah, I came across, like, I guess about four or five pipes and three or four electrical cables, and I finally got down there and I dug it, and I can tell the electricians decided to come by to check it out, because they've probably heard this story before. They're like, yeah, we're going to come by and just check your trench out, okay? But air quotes, trench.

We're going to check it out because, you know, they've probably heard that before where somebody digs their own trench and it's like, you know, basically they pulled the top layer of grass off. So these guys showed up. I can tell they were actually impressed. They're like, okay, nice. You know, we're going to knock a lot of money off for this. And I said, yeah, you are.

But listen, folks, I dug me a nice, deep, clean trench. I mean, this thing's wide enough if I could walk up and down it. I was walking up and down it. I should have put on the World War I, like, war outfit, you know, and bunker down. Maybe that's what I'll do tonight. I'll hide in my trench and wait for Germans to come over and try to seize my sprinklers. You must Feigenstein's the sprinkler. Give us the sprinkler in the name of Hitler.

Heil! You're not getting these sprinklers, you Nazi bastards. Prz-Buh-Bee-P-Bee-P-P-Hr. And flagon, flagon, schligen, heggen, gimmee the sprinkler and the lawn fertilizer. And while you added, give me the garden hose, we must bring some to Heil, Hitler.

Okay, now I'm getting carried away. It's just a trench. What's wrong with me? I guess, okay, let me be honest. Maybe I'm a little bit proud of my trench. It's not something you do every day. How often you walk out into your yard and dig it up and dig a trench that comes up past your knees. Yes, I'm very proud. Maybe I'm even boasting. Maybe I'm even boasting. Maybe I'm going to go out and take pictures of my trench. Maybe I felt a little

twinge deep down inside when I could tell that I impressed the electricians that drop by. Yes. Yes, I I'm a man. I can dig a trench. I've got a little Paul bunion in me. Thank you. Anyways, I've done a lot more worse manual labor than that. As you guys know, I used to work up in the bush. I'm cutting trees and hauling logs and all kinds of stuff.

So it actually kind of felt good to do the, you know, that manual labor, that cool hand Luke kind of manual labor, there's something of invigorating about it. It clears the mind. It gives you kind of a sense of manliness, of manhood. It reminds you that you live in a real physical world. And so thank you, Trench. Thank you for the opportunity.

Thank you for letting me dig you. Heavens to Murgatroyd. Haven. Okay, enough about the trench. Wow. I've kind of run out the end of the show talking about a damn trench. I'm kind of excited the show's over.

I'm going to go lay down in my trench. I'm going to go lay down. Maybe I'll pretend I'm a vampire and I'll lay in the bottom of my trench and sit up. You know, I'll cross my arms over my chest and I'll sit up as the mailman walks by. Welcome to my house.

What are you delivering to my house? Would that be the mail? And the mailman will be, dude, you're not a vampire. It's the middle of the day. And I'll be like, I'm a daytime vampire. Now give me my mail and show me your throat so I can suck your blood. Dude, you're not a vampire. You're a dude who dug a trench for an electrical cable. That's 18 inches, right?

Yes, precisely. Uh-huh. You get in a Tesla? How did you know? Because I can see your trench goes up to your power box, dude Do you want your mail or not? Okay, leave the mail. I won't suck your blood this time. But if you see any Germans, be sure to warn me

Because they are coming for my sprinklers and my hoses. Dude, I got mail to deliver. Can I go? Please, carry on. I will let you go this time. Whatever, dude. Okay, enough. Enough with the trench.

How does anyone get so carried away with a trench? Oh, I want you all to come and sleep in my trench with me. I just want us all to snuggle up in my trench. I love my trench. I'm not even going to fill it. I love my trench so much. I dug it myself. It's my child.

I will protect my trench at any cost. I love my trench. Okay, let's wrap this up, man. As you know, I got no comedy gigs this month. I'm kind of taking it slow, getting a little work done at home in L.A. But by golly, in April, holy lipton. April, you can see me in Cleveland, Ohio at the Pickwick and Frollock, Hilarities Comedy Club.

Cleveland, Ohio, that's going to be Thursday, April 9th through the 11th. and then April 22nd for one night only. I'll be at the Halifax Comedy Festival in Halifax, Nova Scotia. And then that weekend, April 23rd to 25th, I will be at Comics with an X Comics in Connecticut. It's supposed to be a great club. And then the end of April, Thursday, April 30th through to May 2nd, I will be in Canada at yuck yucks in Ottawa, the country's capital.

So looking forward to those gigs. Go to my website, harlandwiliams.com. Go to the stand-up comedy schedule, and you can see all the dates. You can purchase your tickets right there at the website. If you want to call me and leave a message, you can call me at 3-2-3-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-7-3-9-4. 4330, and if you don't have time to write down that number, it is at the website. Also, you can write me at Harlan Williams.com. Love to read your letters and play your phone calls. Check out the store. While you're there at Harlan Williams.com, we have the magic f-off t-shirts, CDs, DVDs, music, books, everything.

You name it, it's all there. And be sure to subscribe while you're on the show. site to Harland Williams YouTube channel the subscribe button is right at the bottom and you will get any wacky videos that I post and right now as I've told you

I'm posting five new minutes every Monday of my wacky three hour indie movie called fudgey wudgey fudge face. I'll be posting a brand new episode. There should be one up there as we speak

and you can You can not only watch the new ones, but go back and watch the old ones, and yada, yada, yada. If you like silly, dumb, kooky movies, you'll like fudge-y-wudgy, fudge face. And that's all we have time for today. Be good, people, be good to people, be nice, be friendly, be happy. Enjoy every moment you're live in this wonderful world. And I want to thank you all for being here for listening. please tell your friends about the Harland Highway

so they can have some laughs too and happy St. Patrick's Day and until next time shiver me timbers and darky-darkty-darky and chicken chau-main baby