The Harland Highway - 661 - GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM calls the show. Too many SELFIES!

Episode Date: April 2, 2015

George Michael calls in with news about donating money to our vets. Is it time to stop taking selfies? Are charity commercials going too far?? Chair at a fair!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet jolly green giant frozen broccoli bits. No? Okay, I thought I could get your attention with that, but I guess you don't care. Hey, gang, welcome. It's me, Harland Williams. You are listening to the Harland Highway podcast. What a show we have for you today. We are going to be talking about parking.

Are you as outraged about parking your vehicle? as I am. Yeah. Let's talk about that. Also, I believe George Michael from Wham is calling in for some reason. I don't know.

Apparently he's got some new, like, charity or something he wants to talk about. I just, I already feel sick to my stomach about it. I just, that guy, last few times he's called, he's been drunk or something.

So I don't know if he's calling or not. Hope not, but maybe. We'll see. Also, are you someone who takes selfies? Are you so self-engrossed with yourself that you have to take selfies all the time? Are we getting tired of selfies? I think we might be. I think I am, and it's something I'm going to talk about. Oh, yes, I'm going to vent.

I'm going to vent my ass off about selfies. So get your selfie ready, because here we go. It's the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me. What is he life?

What's he like anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Oh, man, what do you expect you guys?

Check a long, man. It's over, Johnny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird.

It's just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive. Hold, I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Your money's work. Believe me. Oh, the weather.

The weather is slowly starting to turn, ladies and fernertle blargins. Oh, I'm so happy. You can feel it. Now, I know some of you out there in the, you know, the snow belt region are still getting, some places are even still getting periodical snow, which I feel sorry for you, man. I really do. but for the most part spring is is sneaking in here it's starting to get warm i'm excited um you know that

that smell is in the air the grass is slowly gonna start turning green and barbecue eddie you'll be out barbecuing soon so hopefully uh you know in the next few weeks at least in the next month hopefully we we get to hear from barbecue eddie he's got to be cranking that barbecue up soon always a treat um and uh as we move into uh spring we have what who's on the line well well they got to have the name didn't they leave a name it's a long distance call all right put them put them through i don't know i'm not expecting i don't have anything on the schedule for a call all right put them through whoever it is Oh, come on.

Really, this guy? Oh, boy. Hello, Howard. It's George Michael's Charlie from the United Kingdom of England. Wow. Wow. Wow, he said. I agree with you, Holland.

Wow. Wow, everybody. Wow. Are you drunk, George? It's George Michael, okay, Ireland. It's Dr. George. And it's Dr. George's Dr. Michael, Arnold. Okay. Okay, calm down. What have you been drinking? Oh, look at you here. My ear there. I take me a line. Excuse me. Excuse me twice. Okay.

What do you want, George? It's so fucking right. Why won't you say my name twice? It's. You're out there in the United States of the desert. What? You live in the United States of America. Are you trying to say the United States of America?

That's why. Hello. As the Valley Girl say, Hello. Excuse me. Okay, dude. Listen. It's bad enough your phone to me, but you're totally inebriated.

is unacceptable. Well, how about this hard? I got something insane. It's very, very, very, very, very important. Okay, so you got something that's very, very,

very, very important. No, I said very, very, very, very important. And you only said very, very, very important. Okay, so I missed an important.

What is it? Would you get home with it? Oh, look at you all snapply-waply. Like a fighting snapdragon. Oh, excuse me. Stop with the... What, are you on, like, laying on the floor or something, Michael? Oh, it's John, Michael.

Why don't you always call me by my full name? Good God, man. What's this important announcement, and then let's get you off the phone. I said it's important, very, very, very, very, very important, silent. God! What is wrong with you? Well, maybe this will make you feel bad. I start. I start. I started a charity for the United America Vets. I didn't even get that. I started a drunk with a stanza, Ireland.

Why don't you just say it clearly, you drunk ass? Oh, excuse me. I started a charity. Did you get that, Ireland? Yes, I got it. it. You said, I started a charity. Oh, bingo. We have a bingo with a fucking asshole in the United States of America. Don't call me a fucking asshole.

Fucking asshole. Stop it. You're a fucking asshole, Arlen. Listen. What is your, what did you start a charity? I started a charity, Arles. for the United States of America Vets.

The Vets? That's right, Arlene. Well, okay, maybe you got my attention with that. I'm never going to, you know, dish when somebody tries to do something for our vets, that's a good thing. At least you're doing something good.

Yeah, that's right, Arlene. I'm raising all kinds of money. for the vets. World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the Pramuda Triangle, and, um... There was no war in the Prermuda Triangle. Oh, look at you. What are you a fighting geography teacher? Well, I would be a history teacher, I think, Michael. Oh, fucking Michael, can you please? Just one.

Can you please just say, oh, my name, Roland. Punch yourself in the face. Oh, thank you, Roland. You're welcome. Oh, but it's so nice to be giving money to the vets. Well, that is a nice thing. I'm going to be honest, even though you're drunk and you're annoying, it's so nice for you to give money to the vets who dedicated a portion of their life

to fighting for our freedom, fighting for our country. What are you talking about, Ireland? I'm talking about our vets fighting in the war. What if I'm fighting, I'm talking about the vets. in the war who helped the little puppies and kitty cats. What? I'm trying about the vats that helped in the war with the kitty cats and the horses and the puppy dogs.

What are you talking about in the war? Puppy dogs and kitty cats and horses? I'm talking about the vats, darling. Duh, one plus one is two, and two plus two is you're a fucking asshole. Stop calling me that. Well, it is true. Fottie asshole.

I'm going to hang up on you, George. It's George fucking Michael. Why don't you go underwater and suck the ink out of an octopus's flabby black fucking ankle fucking asshole stop it

anyway, darling I think it's important we give money to the vats What are you talking about veterinarians I allow darling fixing the puppies

and the kitty cat got stepped on a lambe only then showed it back together, Ireland. Okay, you are hammered. I thought you were talking about war vats, and you're talking... I'm talking about vats, Ireland, okay? What you think happens when a fucking dog goes walking through a field and some fucking Nazi German shoots the living fuck out of him

with a fucking AK-57, Arland. Excuse me. Why would there be a dog walking through Nazi Germany in the middle of a battlefield? Oh, I don't know, Holland. Why does his fucking grizzly bear's fart smell like salmon?

Okay, you know what? Why does a grizzly bear's fart smell like salmon? I'll tell you, why? I can't eat it on a fucking salmon, Ollie. That's why I... Stop it! You know what? I've had enough of this.

Oh, you can hang up on me. If you hang up on me, you might as well hang out on all the vets in World War 4, 5, 6, and 7, and 8. There was no World War 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8, and I thought you were talking about war vets, war heroes, people that fought in an actual battle. not talking about veterinarians who went to Vietnam.

Oh, excuse me, Arland. Just because you ain't your country, the United... It's not the United States of America. It certainly is, Arlen, the United... Okay, hang up on him, Raj. I've had enough. Arlin, picture of kitty, meow, stepping on a landmine, Arlen.

What, kitty, meow, meow, stepping on a landmine. That's right, all, and this is what it sounded like, ready? Piyo! Miao! Miao! Miao! Kamoom! Kaboom, Arlen!

Kaffoing boom, you fucking asshole! Hang up on him, he's out of control. How about a little puppy stepping on a fucking laugh? My daughter, hey, how about that? Woof, wolf, wolf, co-boom! Come fucking boom, you fucking asshole! Hang up on him! You fucking hat!

Oh my God! God! What is wrong? What is wrong with that idiot? Wow! The guy's giving money to the war vats. just is he gone Thank God

I think that's the drunkest he's ever been on the show Roger and you screened him A, I've asked you not to let him call in and B, when he's drunk you really don't let him call in he was borderline incoherent Sorry

Is there a reason you put him through It's probably just to agitate me and I can tolerate anything okay I deal with the cream of the crop on this podcast but when that guy's blitzed off his ass it's just almost impossible anyways I'm not going to get hung up on it I'm not going to let that idiot make me mad let's just move on folks my apologies again George Michael from Wham when does the torture ever end Play a commercial, Rods. Let's move on.

Good night, Nellie Frittato. Sorry. Not really. Would you play a commercial? Fresh is. A walk through the woods on an early spring morning. Fresh is a gentle breeze that takes you by surprise. Fresh is simple.

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And here's what it's for. I hope you all get behind me, and we need to raise billions of dollars. It's to stop selfies, okay? I just can't take any more selfies. people standing there with their hand out in a claw with their cell phone and pardon my language

but they shouldn't be called selfies they should be called fuck you's okay because they really don't make you feel good you're sitting in your office you're sitting on a bus you're waiting for a flight at an airport sitting in a terminal you're sitting at home bored out of your mind

and all of a sudden your friend sends you a selfie or a fuck you. Oh, look, here's me. Here's a picture of me with a baby lion. I'm with a baby lion and you're not. Fuck you. Oh, thanks for the fuck you. Hey, hey, here's me. Skiing.

I'm standing on top of the Alps in the sunshine with my pink ski outfit on. Fuck you. Here's me at a Bon Jovi content. me smiling away. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's Bon Jovi in the background. Fuck you. I'm here. You're not. Fuck you. How do you like my fuck you? Is a baby lion, the French Alps and Bon Jovi. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I'm doing all this great stuff and you're not. How's your cubicle? Are you kidding me? Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hold on. By the way, did a zoo break open in the United States? Did someone let the animals out of a zoo? Was there a train full of circus animals that derailed?

Where are these women? Getting these live lions. Every third selfie is some hot chick laying in a lion cage with her head on a lion's rib cage. Or at some model holding up a baby tiger. What the, are there lions loose in the United States? Did I miss something? Where the fuck are these people finding lions and tigers and bears?

In case you didn't know, lions and tigers aren't native to North America. Okay, they're African. They're Indian. They're Russian. There's none of them here. Where are these girls who look like they're barely out of college and couldn't afford a ticket to Ohio? How the hell are they like spending time with a wild fucking lion? And sending me fuck you.

Here's me. I'm laying on a tiger. Click. fuck you oh look the lions standing on two legs licking my face click fuck you

stop sending me fuck yous wow they just make you feel bad just everyone's taking pictures of themselves man it's getting crazy you know there's aboriginal cultures there's the North American

Indian culture these cultures feel that it's not good to have your picture taken. They feel that to have your picture taken, it sucks your soul. They don't like to have their picture taken because they believe every time a picture is snapped of an Aboriginal, it steals part of their soul. And I can only hope they're right, because I want to see these people walking around taking selfies.

And by the time they take selfie, 3,900, 22, it's like, click, poof. They just, like, they blow up into a ball of fairy dust and skin flakes. And they just float to the ground with their fish lips sitting on the top of the pile. You know what I mean? The fish lips, the girls do it. I don't see the guys doing it. And if you're a guy and you do it, you might have to face the fact you might be gay.

but for some reason the girls when they're taking the fuck yous or the selfies or whatever you want to call them they have this need to stick their lips out and suck their cheeks in they look like a lake sturgeon I feel like they should be swimming at the bottom of Lake Superior sucking the green crap off of rocks

look at me I'm standing in front of the giant statue you Mount Rushmore Fuck you, click Stop sucking your lips in, man Good Lord So there you go That's my case against the selfie

Or let's just rename it the fuck you Here's me, here's me in Beverly Hills Click, you're not, fuck you Boy, oh boy So send me money, send me lots of money. I don't know how I'll do it. Maybe I'll create an app that melts phones. If you take a selfie, you blow up.

It'll be called the Aboriginal selfie, fuck you, blow her upper. There was a time, a long time ago when the white man came. The white man took all our land away. And for many, many moons, white man ruled the land. But then white men became so vain. White men had so much vanity that white man started to take hundreds of millions of fuck yous. And then their souls were sucked out of their bodies.

They took so many fuck yous. The white man disappeared, and now, Indians, tribal nations Now own the land again Thank you, fuck you Fuck you Fuck you Fuck you

Fuck you I'm standing in front of a herd of ancient buffaloes And you're not Fuck you Oh wait I don't know how to turn it off Oh, fuck you, fuck me! Oh!

You're such a fuck-ass. What? Please. Did you just call me a fuck-ass? Elizabeth, that's enough. You can go suck a fuck. Oh, please tell me, Elizabeth. How exactly does one suck a fuck?

You want me to tell you? We will not have this at the dinner table. Stop. You know what I want to stop is paying for parking. can somebody please tell me how how you pay for parking you you you pull up to a place you're going into a mall you're going into a into a restaurant you're going for a walk I don't know wherever you pull into a place and the guy goes yeah that'll be uh that'll be 15 and you know what that'll be $20 to park your car

And I'm like, wait a minute, you're going to charge me $20 to roll my car over there and just let it sit still and not move. Just sit there and sit there and sit there and sit there and sit there and sit there and sit there. $20. Yeah, well, that's just for the first 45 minutes. And then it's $8 for every 15 minutes after that. okay so i'm going to be in this uh store having lunch i'm going to meet some friends i'm going to be gone about four hours well do you have a mortgage to your house because you might as well just sign that over to me um or you can just sign the uh the ownership of your car over to me because after

four hours you're not going to be able to afford your car uh it's going to be about $23,000 to leave your car sitting here doing nothing. I mean, are you guys as infuriated as I am, just the whole parking thing? And I love the way it goes up after, you know, every 15 minutes. Another 15 minutes of sitting, doing nothing, not even moving. That'll be $8.95 for every 15 minutes. And then they put up maximum. You know, if you reach a certain number, which is real easy to do,

because most of these places, the price is so high, it ratchets up. Within about an hour and a half to two hours, you've hit the max. Well, if you leave your car here for over two hours, it's $45, and then you're clear. You don't worry about the 15-minute thing ratcheting up. You're in the clear. Oh, thank you. I'm $45 in the clear. Yeah, yeah, you don't worry.

Like if you're here for four hours, we don't do the 15-minute thing anymore. So you're going to be fine. You're going to tap out, and then your car is going to be great just sitting there doing absolutely nothing. Okay, thank you, sir. Thank you for robbing my ass. I mean, what the hell, man? I mean, good for those people that own parking lots. But for the rest of us, holy smokes, you know, Janet, I was going to take you to a nice steakhouse for dinner, but this parking, oh my God, it's $42. So are you okay with hitting Applebee's or Janet? Janet?

Well, she just jumped on the subway. I don't understand. Wow. Just chaps my big, fat Mongolian ass. You know, it'd be something if maybe the cars, it was like a doggie daycare. You know, you ever take your dog to doggy daycare and you let your dog in and it runs around and it plays with the garden hose and it jumps on the other dogs, maybe humps them. Maybe they pull on a rope together. Maybe they roll around. Maybe they lick each other behind the ear. You know, the guy who runs doggy day care runs in and throws a frisbee.

and gets them to jump up and down, throws them a treat. Okay, maybe then, but for our cars, we don't get that. They don't get to drive around in circles. They don't have an attendant going over and rubbing the windshield, flicking the lights off and on, playing the radio. Well, if you're going to be here for 9.95 every 15 minutes, the least I can do is turn the heater and the air conditioner off and on. click click click click click click click click click click click as stupid as it sounds at least i'd feel like

i was getting something for my money let let the cars play with each other let them hump each other i don't care but what really eats me up is the fact that things just sitting there doing nothing uh i might have to buy some of these drones you hear about you You know, the people with the little remote-controlled drones. Maybe I'll get like eight or nine of them and just like strap them to a life preserver or a life jacket and just fly myself everywhere. Just hover up and down, go land at Starbucks.

Yeah, Frappuccino, cremichano, Capaplano. Thank you. I'm gone, fly home. This is the sound like a good idea, actually, now that I'm saying it. Got to figure enough of those drones strapped to some kind of jacket would probably lift you off the ground. No more just leaving your car to do nothing. It's kind of like if you got charged to stay at a hotel and there was no bed or TV. Oh yeah, you got a room upstairs, seventh floor, beautiful room.

You walk in, no furniture, no bed, no TV, you just stand there. Maybe there's a phone you can call the front desk. Oh, hi, front desk, yes. Um, listen, I just spent $220 for this hotel room on the 14th floor. Yes. Um, there's nothing here. Yes, you're just supposed to stand there. That's what you get with the price.

Okay, just stand in the middle of the room. and stare at the window? Yes, kind of like parking a car. Okay, thank you. Thank you, sucker. So there you go. That's kind of like a pet peeve for today. I'll leave it right there.

You guys can think about it. Maybe you're parked right now, and after hearing this, you've got to go out to your car. Well, if you do, glare at the attendant. Flash your lights at them on the way out. Honk at them. squirt your windshield washer fluid at them. Show them you're not happy.

Whatever you do, once you get out of the parking lot, keep on riding down the Harlem Highway. Yeah. And we're going to end it right there. Oh, I'm all fired up. But let's make some announcements, shall we? Let's end on a happy note.

Let's make some damn announcements. What's going on in April? Well, I'll tell you what's going on in April, gang. My first show in April will be in Cleveland, Ohio, at Hilarities, Pickwick, and Frollock. That is April, Thursday, the 9th through April, Saturday, the 11th, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Go to Harlan Williams.com and get on my stand-up tour link, and you can order your tickets right through my site. Also later in the month, April 22nd, one night only the Halifax Comedy Festival in Nova Scotia, Canada. And then the very next day, April 23rd, I'll be at Comics with an X, C-O-M-I-X in Connecticut.

Great, great club up there. I'll be there all weekend, April 23rd through the 25th. And then the next week I will be up in Canada. everyone loves Canada at Yuck Yucs in Ottawa Ottawa, Ontario, the nation's capital and then in May

I might as well mention May the beginning of May, May 7th through the 10th I will be in Buffalo, New York. This is a market I have not played. I don't think I've ever played it. I've never been to Buffalo. So if you're living in Buffalo

and you want to see me do some stand-up comedy live. Get your tickets. Helium is the comedy club. Helium Comedy Club in Buffalo, New York. And it's going to be a blast. And then later in May, May 21st to the 24th, I will be down in San Diego, California,

at the American Comedy Co. I go there once a year. We have a great time. It usually gets packed out. So make sure you get to my website and get your tickets or you can look the clubs up online and book your ticket now, player. Also, we're at harlunwilms.com.

Join my YouTube channel. You can subscribe for free and every time I put up a wacky video, heck, you get to watch it. Comes right to your email, you can delete it, you can watch it, you can share it. There's no cost.

It's just designed to make you laugh. So you'll find my YouTube channel subscription button right at the bottom of the home page and also check out the store

while you're there at harlem williams.com We have digital downloads we have crowd control volume 3 which is a great download it's only $1.99 and you get a full hour

of me just going at it live with stand-up comedy audiences none of it's pre-scripted none of it's pre-written It is me dealing with hecklers and wackos and nut jobs and people talking to me from the audience. And the whole download is just me in real time trying to be quick, trying to come up with answers, trying to get a laugh in a moment of being heckled and abused.

Or sometimes maybe I'm doing the heckling. Sometimes I can't tell. But it's a great listen. I think you'll have a lot of laughs. It's got that real live club feel because it is recorded live at comedy clubs across North America. And for a buck 99, you can't go wrong, man. So I hope you dig that. I mean, what do you pay for a debt to download a song?

Songs are what, 99 cents, a buck 99 for a four-minute song. Hello, this digital download is just about an hour, okay, for $1.99. And I think you'll find some stuff on it that makes you laugh. And it's also, you know, what's neat about it too is it's a neat download because you kind of hear what it's like to be in the crossfire as a stand-up comedian. I think that's the most terrifying part of being a stand-up comedian. If you've ever thought about doing it, it's when you're in the middle of your show and somebody yells at you or somebody heckles you or you start talking.

talking to someone and they say something stupid or they're drunk. And it's kind of for a stand-up comedian, it's like you've got to come up with the funny right in the moment or you're dead in the water. The crowd can turn on you. And this hour-long download is kind of just an example after example of those moments. So I think you'll really like it on a humor level and maybe you'll like it on a technical level, the technical side of doing stand-up comedy live with complete strangers in a room. So check it out.

It's on my stand-up tour page. Crowd Control, Volume 3, a buck-99. Check it out. And what else can I tell you? I think that's it for now. I want to thank you for listening to the podcast. I certainly hope you'll share it with your friends. tune your, I'm appointing all of you

to steer your friends towards the podcast so that they can enjoy the madness. I mean, how dare you deprive your friends of hearing phone calls from drunk George Michael? That's it. If you're not sharing this with your friends, you're just selfish. Yeah, I'm gilting you out. Share the Harlan Highway with your friends. Please.

And that's it, gang. As I Great to have you here. Always a pleasure. Hope you had some laughs. And until next time, chicken. Chalemaine, baby. I agree, Steve Holland. Wow.

Wow, everybody. Wow.