The Harland Highway - 665 - Apple CEO Tim Cook calls in to discuss new Apple Watch. Head transplants.

Episode Date: April 16, 2015

TIM COOK, the CEO of Apple Inc. calls the show to tell us about the wonders of the new Apple Watch. Someone wants a their head surgically transplanted. A Pavement Pounder becomes a Hardy Boy. Guess my mess!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet, a Nelly Frittato. You know it's going to be a good show when I started with a Nellie Frittato. Oh, and it's Charles, Nelson Riley. Throwing in the mix. Wild show today. Oh, my God. What a scoop. Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, you know, the iPhone guy and the iPad guy,

he's going to be calling into the show to talk to us about the new Apple Watch. I can't believe we got the scoop. I guess he's over in Europe right now doing a keynote address in Berlin, but he's taking time out to Colin and talk to us about this amazing new watch. Super exciting. We've also got a crazy news story. Oh, my God. This one's kind of freaky and scary.

So we're going to be dealing with that. And then we've got a pavement ponder calling in. He said he found something interesting at the front door. I had asked the question about the front door, and this guy found something. So we're going to find out what he dug up. And, you know, just all kinds of cool stuff. But, yeah, I'm very excited to talk to Tim Cook from Apple.

So here we go, everybody. Get your braces on your face. Tighten them up. It's the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me.

What is he life? What's he going? Anyway. Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel. He's going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Oh, man. What do you expect the guy's chigolo, man? It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Weird. It's just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Oh, you get your money for it. Believe me. The Harland Highway Crazy news stories That's weird That's strange stuff Yeah Yeah it is strange stuff

I had to start the show with this story gang You don't get this headline a lot But here it is Guy volunteers for world's first Head transplant Huh? What What the hell?

Yeah, I guess, you know, some guy in Russia, a 30-year-old Russian man whose muscles are wasting away, they say they plan to transplant a human head, and it's very highly appealing to this patient. Good Lord. The patient says, I can hardly control my body now. says Valerie Spendendendor-D-D-N-O-N-N-N- These Russian names, do they not have any Smiths or Jones in Russia? I'm going to spell this name. S-P-I-R-I-D-O-N-O-V. You know, they have those games on TV where you'll, at halftime,

a guy will throw a basketball all the way across a basketball. basketball court and win a million dollars. It's highly improbable that they'll get it, but if they throw it and they get a, they make net, they get a million dollars. They should have this for Russian names. If you can say this Russian name, coherently and correctly,

you'll win a million roubles. I mean, who can say these names? Spendendor Doff and the... Anyways, computer scientists, and now I don't know if it's a man or a woman, because I don't know if Valerie's a Russian male name or a Russian female name. I'm guessing maybe it's a female, but then at the beginning it says a Russian man. So, oh, you Russians. So I guess it's a man, Valerie Spendendand.

is a computer scientist with Wern-Wern-Nig-Hoffin-D-Hoffman disease. What the hell? Where do they come? Wern-Dig-Hoffman. Sounds like a piano maker met Dustin Hoffman and got sick. Wern-Wern-N-N-N-Sash-Hof-man disease. Boy. I think if you get sick.

something with that name, you're doomed, anyhow. You probably should think about getting a new body or move in your head somewhere else. You don't want Werndenig slash Hoffman disease. Where do they come up with these names? It's almost worse than Valerie's last name. Why don't they just call it Valerie slash Spendendendendorf disease? They're both horrible names.

That's why this guy's sick. He's surrounded by horrible. He says, I need help every day, every minute, poor guy. I don't like hearing that. I am now 30 years old. And though although people rarely live to more than 20 with this disease, Wendonig-Hoffman disease, it's sad.

That's sad to hear. This Italian physician says, he's willing, the Italian physician says he's received many offers from people willing to undergo the world's first human head transplant, including transsexuals seeking another body. Well, that may, geez, you're going to open up a whole new market. If these head transplants are successful, yeah. I guess transsexuals won't have to go through all the series of operations to get their genitals. Natalia tailored to their delight.

They won't have to take all the hormone shots and grow their boobies or reduce their boobies. They could just go, you know what? Put my head on that Victoria's Secret model over there. Yes, I promise I'll shave the beard. Yeah, just put it on. I'll lose the beard, okay? See, that's what you can change.

You plop a head on another. body. Does the head match the body? So I guess this doctor's had a lot of offers, but he wanted someone suffering from muscle atrophy and chose spandundundund dun dun boff. Canaverro, this doctor, plans to reveal more about his project later on. in June at a medical conference. Okay, now here's where it gets hairy, okay? He says the operation will require 150 doctors and nurses,

many of whom have asked to join the team. I wonder if any of them go by the last name, Frankenstein. Yes, doctor, I would like to join your surgery team. I would like to put a new head on the other body. My name Frankenstein Oh, God. Oh,

He says two years is the time needed for the team to reach perfect synchronization. I mean, how much do you guys pay for one doctor? How much do you pay to go get your eye or your nose checked?

How much to go have a wart scraped off your foot? What's that, three grand? A hundred and fifty doctors and nurses? Holy crap. What's that going to cost? Don't worry, we sold the island of Hawaii. We can pay for it, okay?

He says, after a 36-hour operation, good Lord, that's two days just about. The patient would lie in a coma for about a month. Well, doctors used electrical stimulation in an effort to connect spinal cord nerves to the new head. Good Lord. I mean, are we ready for that? Is that doable? Maybe it is. Why not?

If they can transplant lungs, they can transplant to hearts. They can transplant kidneys. I mean, is it that improbable to plop a new head on somebody? Ah! I don't know. Wow, you'd never age. At least your body would never age. You know, if you hit like 50 and you didn't like the direction your body was going,

you could be just like, well, I'm tired of this body. I'm heading down to the Benjamin Button's medical clinic and I'm getting a new body. I don't care. Well, it's a 14-year-old girl, but I know it will look strange, but I'll grow into it. Yes, my head will weigh more than my body just about, but I'll grow into it.

Don't you worry about me? Okay, you just go out and look for some training bras and some videos on how I handle my body. first menstrual cycle. That's all I need to know. But the experts, now here's where it gets weird. The experts are dismissing his plan, his operation, as laughable or dangerous. I guess they tried it on a monkey. A monkey died after undergoing a head transplant in 1970. One doctor said, I would not wish this on anyone there are a lot of things worse than death wow that poor monkey just running around in the

trees eating bananas suddenly they take his head off and what what are you going to attach a monkey head to janet isn't just me or is your little girl looking hairier every day um she's that she she's going through puberty I know but she keeps chattering at me and why is she climbing that coconut tree backwards ah she's just she's going through a growing spurt

Barbara it's okay okay if you say so so there you go I had to start with that crazy story getting a new head put on wow and the monkey got it in 1970. That's a long time ago, man.

1970, they're wearing elevator shoes and bell bottoms. Of course they couldn't successfully do it. They didn't know what they were doing. Okay? This is 2015, man. Of course we can

put a new head on somebody. This is the world of technology, of the iPhone, of the eyewatch. And speaking of which, I believe, Roger, do we have him calling in? Yeah, okay. So, as you know, the new Apple Watch, I don't think it's actually called the I Watch, but that's what I call it,

because I put I in front of everything, Apple. But I guess, as you know, the new Apple Watch is just around the corner. It's coming out. And we got real lucky. We got the CEO of Apple. Tim Cook is calling in to talk to us here at the podcast today at the Harlan Highway about the new Apple Watch. So hang on tight.

This is going to be very interesting and illuminating. We're very excited to get the scoop from President and CEO Tim Cook of Apple, Inc. And let's do a commercial, Roger. come back, let's talk to Tim Cook here on the Harland Highway. You're such a fuckass. What? Please. Did you just call me a

fuckass? Elizabeth, that's enough. You can go suck a fuck. Oh, please tell me, Elizabeth. How exactly does one suck a fuck? You want me to tell you? We will not have this at the dinner table. Stop. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is Blake

from Dallas. You're talking about weird stuff at the front door. Yeah, this one time I was treating the customer's property, and I jumped back in my truck and printed their invoice out and I was headed back up to their front door to hang the invoice. And at the front door, there was a parrot perched up. Like, you know, those to the left and right of the front door at some houses, there was those tall, skinny, narrow windows.

and there was this parrot like perched up on that window ledge and it was looking straight into the house but like on the other side of the glass was this cat staring right into the parrot right at the parrot so they're kind of face to face with this piece of glass in between them

and I was confused I was like where'd this parrot come from because it wasn't there when I knocked on the door at the beginning of the job but there was this parrot and I knocked from the neighbor's door and asked him

I was like do you know if this woman if she owns a parrot and he said I don't think so and we gave her a call she said she didn't own a parrot and so we were kind of confused

as to what to do because his parrot it had a ring around its leg so it belonged to somebody and they stood there looking at the parrot and then this woman came walking down the street and she had this kind of frantic look on her face

and I flagged her over and was like, are you looking for a parrot? And it was her parrot and I guess she had went outside with it for a moment and was letting it get some sun or something and it just took off. So that's my

weird stuff. worry for the day. Take care of all. Wow, okay. There it is. Thanks for sharing. The question of the day the other day was, have you ever found anything weird at your front door? And I went through a whole list of crazy stuff I found. And this is a listener. Thanks for calling, by the way. Didn't find it at his front door, but it's someone else's front door, a crazy parrot. And it was, you know, as I was listening to your story, it was like a, like a Friday night, Hardy Boys mystery. You know, it's like you're there and there's no parrot and then all of a sudden you're there and there's this mysterious parrot and it's staring down the cat.

And you start making phone calls and knocking on doors and you start putting all the pieces together and then you see some lady coming down the street looking frantic and you, you deduced. that she's probably the owner of the lost parrot. And you solved the mystery of the doorfront parrot. I think you're officially a hardy boy now, okay? I don't think so. Well, look, Blake, you don't have a choice because you went to a complete stranger's house, and what did you see at the front door?

At the front door, there was a parrot. Okay, and what was the first? first question you asked yourself when you saw the parrot, Blake? Where did this parrot come from? Because it wasn't there when I knocked on the door. Okay. And by asking that question out loud, you inadvertently became a detective. You became a pet detective. You became a hearty boy. Okay? Are we clear? No, you're just a hearty boy. Okay? The parrot mystery is solved. The front door parrot mystery is solved. Thank you, Blake, for your call. Uh, you know, folks, if you want to call me, um, you can do that.

323, 739, 4330. The question of the day the other day is you ever found anything wacky or weird on your front door? Oh, Harlan. It's Roger. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Oh, wow. Okay. It's probably, uh, it's probably Tim Cook.

Okay, is, is he there? You've got, Roger, you've got them. Okay, great. Okay, this is super exciting. What a, what a great, uh, What a great guest we have on the show. As I told you earlier, we were going to be talking with the CEO and chairman of Apple Incorporated, Apple Industries. And as you know, they've released the new Apple Watch.

And we're going to talk to Mr. Cook about all its capabilities and the future of Apple. Let's just get right into it. Are you there, Mr. Cook? Hi, Arland. How are you? I'm great, sir. What a honor and a pleasure to have you here on the Harland Highway. Fantastic.

Great to be here. Love the show. We listen all the time. Really? Wow. Oh, yes. We don't miss an episode. Oh, wow.

Okay. Thank you so much. We thank you for putting your podcast, your fantastic podcast, on iTunes. Yes, it is on iTunes. Thank you. Thank you very much, Mr. Cook. Just call me, Tim. Okay, Harlan. Okay, Tim. Listen, let's jump right in. Yes, let's. The Apple Watch is here. People are excited about it, and, you know, I've looked at some of the videos online.

Its capabilities are absolutely astounding. Well, we tried to outdo ourselves this time Harlan does. You know, Apple. We are innovators. We're trying to push the needle. We're trying to move society forward. We're trying to integrate technology into people's everyday lives. And you really did something that I haven't seen before. When you say integrate technology into people's lives,

you married the technology of the watch with the physical being of a human being. You created a function where one could monitor. another person's heartbeat if they're also wearing an Apple Watch. Oh, yes. It's just, you know, we tried to find that link between, you know, technology and humanizing the technology that people were wearing. Up until now, there's been that disconnect. But, Harland, I think we found it with the Apple Watch where it sits on your arm

and it reads your pulse, and you can relay that message, other Apple Watch wearers. Oh, my God. And I heard that you had a personal... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what... You want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. encounter with this technology oh yes it was wonderful i actually got to i gave my father a watch who's a you know a few years older than me obviously yeah i imagine and uh it was a wonderful uh we

we were monitoring each other's a heartbeat and my father had a severe heart attack well uh he was wearing the watch oh my oh wow yes it was quite it was one of those ones that just kind of almost dropped you on the spot, Harland. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry to hear that. Well, what was fortunate is we both had the heart monitoring function on, well, it was happening. And it was so wonderful. I was able to be with my father.

Well, he was having a massive heart attack and was incapable of getting any help or calling. He was, from what I understand from the medics who arrived on the scene, obviously too late that he was twisting and spasming on the floor for a good 20 minutes. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, Mr. Cook, Tim. Oh, it was wonderful to be able to share that intimate moment with my father through the Apple Watch and to see his heartbeat just dancing around. I was watching my watch. And, you know, when he was doing fine, it was just pulsing. You know, the regular heartbeat, and you can see it, you can see the heart on the eye watch,

just boop, boop, boop. Okay. And then when that heart attack hit Harland, it was unbelievable. His heart patterns just started dancing all over the face of the watch. Oh, my God, that must have been startling. Or was it beautiful? I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen the Northern Lights, the Aurora Borealis, Harlan, but his massive heart attack was so, excuse me, it was so beautiful.

It was like, reminded me of when I was canoeing as a little boy and watching the northern lights dancing in the sky. His heart attack was dancing all over my wrist. Oh, my, sir, this, I, am I confused here? but it almost sounds like you're romanticizing this horrible event that I think it killed your father, it sounds like. Oh, yes. He did not bounce back from that. I'm not so much romanticizing at Harland as I am. How can I put it? I'm grateful for it. I'm embracing it. to be there and see those colorful lights on my watch. And it was wonderful because I was giving a sales seminar. I was giving one of my speeches, and I was in front of a live crowd.

We were at a theater in Dallas, Texas, and we had 2,000 people in front of me, so I was on stage. And his heart attack couldn't have come at a better time. I've got to tell you, I was showing the heartbeat to the crowd, showing the functionality of this incredible piece of technology. And people were, you know, intrigued by the fact that I could connect to my father and monitor his heartbeat. And I could see they were amazed and a little bit mesmerized, but I have to tell you, Harlan. Sir, I don't know if I like where this is going. If I could just get through this. Okay, sir.

when my father had his massive coronary. In my eye watch lit up like the northern lights. It was almost euphoric. The people in the crowd almost went into a trance. The way his heart patterns were bumping around and splashing across the screen and the colors, the vibrant colors of purples, yellows, violets, oranges, light pinks. It was almost like a sunset in Bermuda. And if my father twisted and writhed on the floor,

his arms and legs, you know, locking up from his heart collapsing, I can only imagine if he could have known that the joy he was bringing to Apple fans all over the place, all over the world, because we were broadcasting the lecture over the Internet. Oh, okay, so I'm sorry. Look, I appreciate Apple. I appreciate the technology. I appreciate the new watch. But to have your father die while you're giving a lecture

and did you use the watch to call anybody? I mean, I know the watch has the capability. Did you call 911? Well, I wasn't about to interrupt. possibly one of the best sales tools that I've ever had come across my desk. I mean, we did not plan on the absolute artistic beauty of a massive heart attack happening on the Apple Watch. I mean, we must have sold a watch to every person in that crowd because of my father's sacrifice.

Well, I don't know if it's a sacrifice, so I don't think he was in on this. I think he came to a terrible end. He had a massive heart attack, and it sounds like you're profiting off of, and I hate to use that word, but it sounds like you're profiting off his death. Well, let's not, look, we're innovators at Apple, Harland, and, you know, we're going to take what our environment offers,

and if we can turn that around and give it to our customers, then we're going to do it. And as my father laid on the floor, his face locked in a permanent painful scowl, his teeth gritting, his eyes pints shut, his fingers and toes curled up into claws as his heart seized up and locked. He had no way of knowing the contribution he was making

as his beautiful heart attack danced across the eyewatch screen and created northern lights and splashed those people. If you could see his massive coronary triple bypass heart attack, twinkling in their eyes. It was unbelievable. It was almost a godsend. Okay, sir, I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. Well, let me tell you what else our watch does.

Harlan, since you're having, I can tell there's a little bit of a little hesitation, a little glitch in your voice. Well, sir, that you're talking about your father. Let's move on to what else it does. Not only can you listen or see your partner or your family or friends' heartbeat,

the Apple Watch is unbelievable. As I was driving the other day, I came upon a car crash, and there was a car, a minivan flipped over, and and two of the people in it had severe lacerations. One of them actually had severed their carteroid artery in their throat,

and they were bleeding out. They were bleeding out. Let's not mince words here. Oh, my God, sir. And I was able to pull my Tesla over to the side of the road, and very casually I walked across the road, and I pressed my Apple Watch against their neck, and guess what? Oh, my God, what?

Their neck closed shot. It just healed. Have you ever seen the X-Men movies when the Wolverine gets, you know, he gets a severe laceration from a bullet or a sword? Yes, and his skin kind of magically heals up. That's what happened here. This woman's neck, it was actually spurting. It was spurting like a ripe grapefruit from Bermuda or the Dominican Republic.

And I just touched it almost like a magic wand like Harry Potter's man. I pressed my Apple Watch against her neck, and her skin fused shut and stopped the bleeding. And then another little boy, his leg was actually amputated. It got sliced off by the guardrail, and I just crawled down into the little ravine. I found his leg. It was still kicking a little, like a... Have you ever seen when a lizard's tail comes off Harlan and it's thrashing around? This boy's leg was actually hopping around.

It was kicking an old Coke can. It looked like it was having... fun but I knew it belonged on this little boy so I took it up I pressed the leg back to the joint where it was severed and the leg reattached almost immediately

it was unbelievable okay wait a second sir if I could just keep going I'd like to get this out there was a girl at a hospital she was in a four year coma and her parents asked me to come in and I went in and I just put the

apple eye watch right to her forehead just for a minute i had the mickey mouse um face plate on and little mickey's legs were wiggling and he was laughing and i pressed it to her forehead you know pretty hard i almost punched her in the forehead with it and she came out of an 11-year coma can you believe the power of my new watch okay this is a bit crazy i was camping not too long ago and a grizzly bear confronted me and and my friend that I were camping with, and it charged. It charged a full-on charge about 40 miles an hour, these grizzly, the Codiac bear, and they can top out at about 40 miles per hour to full run.

And coming right at me, I held up the watch, and that thing stopped in its tracks, rolled on its back, and me and my friends were actually rubbing its belly. It was unbelievable. Okay, you know what, sir? I don't know that the Apple Watch can do all this thing. Did I tell you that the other day, I actually put a call into God. The Apple Watch can call heaven, and I had a nice, long talk with God. Okay, you know what, sir, we have to run.

And God said that... We have to run, Mr. Cook. Call me Tim, Arlen. Would you like to connect you to God right now, if you want? I have to go, sir. Thank you. Okay, Arlama. Everybody go out and get their...

Yes, I hung up on him. The guy was about to tell, he's about to tell everyone, go and get the eyewatch. Can you believe this guy, his father, while suffering a massive lethal heart attack? He's watching this happen on his wrist. And he's showing it to people while he gives a keynote address. And he's using it as a marketing ploy. Wow, that's, I'm sorry, that's unethical. People are going to call in and go, how could you hang up on Tim Cook?

The man helming the most financially successful corporation in the world. And you just hung up on them. And I'm like, yeah, you're damn right. Look, I like Apple products, but there's a limit, man. You got to, you know, he talked about humanizing this watch. And that sounded very dehumanizing to me. so we're going to move on what

no and then the doctor said that my father recovered from the heart attack just for a minute long enough to have a massive stroke and oh my god the i watch lit up i mean i don't know if you've ever been to an art gallery harland and seen like a Picasso or uh even vangos sunflowers or vangos

starry night it's just the i watch Well, he was having a stroke, and the left side of his body was freezing up and being paralyzed. The colors and the splashes that went across the Apple Watch. It was like watching Van Gogh himself perform some brushstrokes. Okay, stop calling here, Mr. Cook. Call me, Tim. Listen, where are you right now? I'm over in Berlin, Germany, but I'm wearing my new Apple Watch.

Why don't I press the transporter function, and I can be there in about two seconds. Right in your studio. I don't know why we're talking over the phone. Do you mind if I transport? Okay, hang up on him. Transport with his eye. Good Lord. This guy's nuts.

Roger, let's end the show right now. Can't take anymore. Hello? Hello? Hey, Arlen, this is Zach from Indianapolis. So I noticed that you're getting really close to podcast. I don't know if you're religious or superstitious or anything, but that's like the number of the beast of the devil.

So I know if any strange events might be happening on the highway that day, but I just thought you might want a heads up to take precautions. But until next time, Chalmane. Wow, you know, Zach, you're right. Our next podcast is episode 666. And rest assured, we don't subscribe to, you know, that kind of like religious stuff, the mythology, the belief, the, you know, the evils of the devil, of Lucifer, of Satan. You know, there won't be any of that on our show. You can be guaranteed of that.

It's going to be safe. It's going to be fine. We're not going to be dealing with the devil or talking about. uh the dark lord the dark master whatever you call them uh we're going to be just fine okay so thank you for uh the heads up uh we are aware of it and uh the show will have nothing to do with hell in fact we're not even going to go to hell during the next show hint hint All right, so there you go. Thanks for the call.

If you want to leave us a message, you know the number, 323-739-4-3-3-0. The number is also available right on the homepage at harlandwiliams.com. You can't miss it. Phone and leave your messages, and you never know what's going to happen. If you don't want to leave a phone message, you can write me at harlindwilliams.com. just go to our contact page and also while you're there if you don't subscribe to my YouTube channel

you're missing all the fun I've been starting to put a lot of wacky videos up on my YouTube channel and people are enjoying them and you guys who haven't hit that little subscribe button are missing out now you don't have to watch them or you can watch them and you can share them with your friends

but just like this podcast, they're geared at making you chuckle. They are ridiculous, they're silly, they're, you know, you be the judge of what they are. They might be a complete waste of your time. But if you don't like them, you can turn them off. And if you like them, you can watch them again and again. I try to make them as fun and silly as I can for you guys. And there's no charge, there's no cost. You just, when you get on my homepage at harloweems.com, go down to the book.

bottom of the homepage and you'll see a little YouTube icon and it says subscribe all you got to do is click it and you're in there's no hidden fees there's no spam there's no junk mail the only thing you get sent to your email is whenever I post a new video you get to look at it before everybody else so there you go free laughter um what else is going on um and while you're at the Williams.com. Please check out our store. People are going in and buying the magic, pardon my French, fuck off t-shirt. This thing is like, it's the ultimate prank. It's so good. It's a t-shirt with a bunch of random letters on it. And people walk up and say, what the hell does your shirt say? And when they do that, you fold, you pull the bottom flap up to the top flap of the shirt, and it spells the words,

fuck off and it's everybody laughs everyone wants this shirt it's only 20 bucks 22 bucks and we mail it out to you but the orders are coming in fast and furious so don't be left out

if you want to see a video of how the shirt works go to the store at harlewilms.com and you can see a little demo of how it works and I promise you not only are your friends going to ask you what the shirt says complete strangers are going to ask you this is the ultimate shirt to wear to a frat party or any kind of

like football weekend any type of social gathering you will be the talk of the party and you will definitely be able to abuse anyone who decides to get too nosy with you and your shirt so it's right there at the harland hi harland williams.com web store we have uh we have the shirts in gray we have them in black we have from size small all the way up to two xl for you big boys and girls uh so get on it and we will ship that out to you asap and uh you can start having fun many satisfied customers with that shirt um let's get to my shows uh we are in april and uh wednesday april 22 I will be appearing at the Halifax Comedy Festival in Nova Scotia, Canada, one night only. Wednesday the 22nd. Make sure you're there. It's going to be a blast.

And then the very next night, I'll be at the Foxwood Casino at Comics in Connecticut. Mantucket or Nantucket or some crazy name. Comics with an X, C-O-M-I-X. At the Foxwood Casino, it's going to be a blast. I will be there April 23rd through to the 25th, and it's going to be a lot of fun. Now, there is a change in my schedule. I was supposed to go to Ottawa, Ottawa, Canada, the first weekend in May, May 1st and 2nd. That gig had to be canceled, so do not buy tickets for that show. But if you are on the East Coast and you want to see me,

I will be the following weekend, May 7 through 10. I will be at Helium in Buffalo, New York. My first time ever doing stand-up in the Buffalo area. I grew up near Buffalo. I watched Rocket Ship 7 as a kid. It was a kid show about a creepy astronaut guy who lived in a rocket ship, and out a bunch of weird puppets,

Egelbert Humberchick and Dustmop and all these creepy puppets. It was a very creepy show, but I watched it, Buffalo. So we'll see you there. And then at the end of May, May 21st to the 24th, I'm going to be at one. I love this club. It's called The American Comedy Co.

And it is in San Diego, California. get your tickets they're all up for sale online at harland williams dot com so check it out and i can't wait to see y'all there and we're going to have a good time so that's it for now everybody um thank you for being here tell your friends to get on the harland highway and uh keep on smiling keep on laughing and until next time chicken chowmaine baby and uh we gave her a call she said she didn't own a parent and so we're kind of confused as to what to do because it's parents