The Harland Highway - 668 - The return of Dr. ASCOT, yikes!! Question of the day.

Episode Date: April 27, 2015

Dr. Ascot returns to help Harland cope with his stress levels. The question of the day is a salty affair. We examine natural remedies for all that ails you. Asprin my napkin!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lord love a lemon bush. Welcome to the Harland Highway. How are you today? Lurtle Flurdens and Snaglardo Blartens? Mm-hmm. That's what I'm calling you today. You stuck with it too bad. Hey, I'm Harlan Williams.

This is the Harlan Highway podcast. Great to have you on board rolling down the road with me. What a show today. We're going to start the show with a question of the day, right out of the gate. Boom. and it involves a household item or a kind of i don't know if it's a food item or it's it's something affiliated with food and it's a weird little quirky thing that i think we all do and i need to know why we do it um also um we're going to be talking uh about uh home

healing remedies do you use stuff from the drug store or do you collect stuff out of your garden to help cure what ills you. We're going to we're going to dissect some recipes and some ideas and see if there are things you would do. And then lastly, and I hate this, Dr. Ascot is back. My on-air therapist is here to help me deal with my stress levels and my stress levels are already going up because that idiot's here. Oh my God, it's the Harland Highway.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you, I will please you all, believe me What is he like? What's he going, anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're going to need a pig of course.

You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect the guy's chick-a-law, man? It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. It's weird. It's just plain weird. You're not me. I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry.

Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money to us. Believe me. The Harland Highway. Question of the day. Okay, the question is, and I'm starting right out of the gate with it, starting the show with a hard-hitting question. And I'm guilty of this, but I need to know, do you do it?

And the question of the day is, before you put salt on your food or into your boiling water or wherever you put salt, Do you take the salt shaker and sprinkle a little into your hand just to see how much salt comes out? Because salt shakers are very, very tricky things, ladies and gentlemen. Wouldn't you agree? Sometimes you get a salt shaker where you shake it and shake it and shake it

and you're like, is there salt coming out of this thing? I don't think I see any. Oh, my God, I'm really shaking it aggressively. Hold on. Dan, can you see, do you see salt coming out? Because I'm not sure if I see any. And you're not sure if you see any. And it could be coming out.

And because you can't see it, it's a weird salt shaker where maybe it's clogged. Maybe you're putting tons of salt on your stuff. And then the other salt shaker, the other extreme is you get these salt shaker. turn them upside down and it's like a like a Kansas City hail storm. They're just salt pouring down. It's just like

crazy. And you go great. My French fries are fucked. There's like there's enough salt on there that I could probably like you know melt a

snowstorm in New York. I could throw my fries out on the ground and it would eat through nine feet of snow. That's how much salt I put on my effin fries. You've done that before, right?

You're cooking or you get this delicious meal at a restaurant. You get an unfamiliar salt shaker. You're at you're at Daniel's Steakhouse or, you know, Fortino's Mexican food, whatever it is.

And you're like, oh, wait a minute. I've never seen this salt shaker before. I don't know how this thing's going to behave. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. And you turn it upside down. You start shaking, and it just tons of it comes out. And you can't get it off your food.

They're like, damn it! Oh, I was so looking forward to this. And you eat it anyways, and you feel like your heart's going to cave in. So the question is, do you? you take the salt shaker and do you shake it into the palm of your hand? I'm guilty of this because I've been burned one too many times by the old unpredictable salt shaker and even my own salt shaker sometimes the, you know, the humidity or the moisture or the dew or the salt fairies.

I don't know what happens, but sometimes things get into your salt shaker. and like the holes get clogged up. And so you don't know what you're getting. And then the big faux pa, as you ever do this, you unscrew the top of your salt shaker. And somehow in the threads, you know, the glass threads that connect the metal top of your salt shaker to the glass base of your salt shaker, okay?

There's threads like threads on. on a screw there's three or four large threads built right into the glass you unscrew the metal top and for some reason tons of salt has made its way into those threads and when you unscrew it it's just like a salt shat okay it's like you know when an old lady craps her nappies that that's what it does the salt just shats all over it. and if you're holding it over your food salt chat and if you're doing it on your counter salt chat all out salt everywhere so you got to be careful undoing the top or or if you have one of those salt chikers where there's a little butt plug in the bottom you turn it upside down

even there there's there's like salt it's almost like the salt's trying to escape from the salt shaker they found every little nook and crannies that they're trying to dig their way out or crawl their way out each little grain of salt I think I see an opening over there come on everyone come on everybody into the into the threads of the glass so the question is do you test your salt before you salt and let that question assault your mind and let me know it's 323-739-4-330 if you want to respond to the Harlan Highway

question of the day The Harlan Highway Question of the Day Hello Mr. Williams I love your comedy And I think it's timeless. Anyway, I loved your visits segments, and I really have a hard time finding all but the Armenian and Ethiopian ones on YouTube. Anyway, I'd like to see all of them. So if you could see that those get on your website or, I don't know if there's a licensing problem or what it is, but I love to see those on YouTube or on your website, especially the one with, I think, the Vietnamese, where you, there's cow uterus and grass jelly drink.

That was the funniest one. Anyway, I think you're great continued success. uh my name is brad conley don't feel like you need to uh respond though i know you're a busy man but i think you're very funny and your comedy is timeless continued success my friend have a great day well i'll have a great day now thanks to your kind words and of course i will respond that's what the hotlines for you guys call in you leave a message and uh i like to i like to respond i like to i like to interface with the pavement pounders that's the whole idea behind that's the whole idea behind the hotline i wonder why i'm talking like jerry seinfeld uh now the segments that fred is

talking about are um over the years i did many many many uh appearance is on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and one with Conan when Conan had the show for a brief moment. But I created this segment for the Tonight Show that I did with Jay Leno called Harlan makes a house call. And basically the genesis of that idea was that I go out and I meet random families and for the most part ethnic families. And basically, you know, we took a crew and I'd show up at their front door. and we'd spend a day or two with them. And, you know, we'd get to know the family members. We'd walk around the house, get to know the place where they live.

Then we'd go out shopping with them. We'd go to the drive-thru. We'd go to their schools. We'd go visit their grandparents. We'd go to their temples. We'd go all over the place. We'd go to the video store. We'd go, we went everywhere.

And it was so much fun. And I got to meet so many great people. and we did a whole bunch of different families, Ethiopian, Vietnamese, Chinese, Irish, Indian, boy, oh, boy, just I can't even remember all of them. But we did Armenian, we did all kinds of different families, and it was a blast. And, you know, we'd put the, play these segments on the Tonight Show, and Jay would have me on, and people really liked it. and we must have done, I don't know, 10 or 15 of these things. And I'm glad you liked them. And you know what?

I'll take your advice. I'm going to find them. I know I have some of them somewhere. I don't have all of them, unfortunately. But I do have quite a number of them, and I will put them up on my YouTube page. And yes, there is a licensing issue. I don't own, you know, the Tonight Show owns the clip.

I created the segment, and it's me in it. But, you know, the Tonight Show probably owns the clip. So there might be a license thing, but I figure since I'm in it, and I kind of wrote the segments, I mean, I completely improvised all of them. From the minute we walked in the door, I just had to wing it. You know, I didn't know these people. I'd never met them. Basically knock on the door, walk in, and hello!

And I just had to improvise the whole thing. So tons of fun, and I'm glad you liked them. So keep your eye on my website. Of course, you're going to have to subscribe to my YouTube channel, which, no charge. There's no spam. There's no cost involved. It's completely free. And every time I post a video, it'll go to your website that you subscribed with, and you'll get to see the video.

So I appreciate the call. I had a blast doing those segments. They really came out funny, and thank you for remembering. Thank you for your kind words. To your note that my comedy is timeless, I do try to create my comedy in a vacuum where, you know, I always try to be cognizant of not being too reference-oriented, so that if you heard my comedy in 10 years or 20 years,

it would be relatable. I mean sometimes I obviously do topical stuff but I'm always aware of not locking my comedy into too much of a time zone so that it can be dated so good observation by you Fred and again thanks for your kind words subscribe to the YouTube channel it's at harlewilms.com right down at the bottom of the page

and you should all be on it so you can enjoy it thanks for the call and if you want to call me 323-739 for 3-3-0. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

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Hello. Oh, God. Holland. What are you doing here? Holland, I'm your therapist, Dr. Ascot. I know who you are. I just, I didn't know we were doing a session today. I haven't seen you in a while, Arland. Yeah, then that's fine by me, Ascott.

Holland. What? Holland. What? Stop saying my name. Ohland. Stop it! Holland. What do you want?

And why are you wearing cherry red socks and penny loafers? Holland, let's not talk about me. I'm here to talk about you, Holland. Oh, God. Holland, I understand from head office that you've been under a lot of stress lately, Holland. Well, what do you expect? doing a podcast. I'm frantically interviewing people and accumulating material, and it's a lot of work. I can hear it in your voice, Arlen, you sound very, very stressed.

Well, maybe I am a little, so. Arlen, that's not good for your blood pressure. That's not good for your heart, and that's not good for your mental health, Arland. You know what's not good for my mental health? You and your cherry red... And why are you wearing a yellow sweater? Holland. Well, seriously. Holland.

You look like a bowl of lucky charms or something. Holland. What, what, so what are we doing? I want to help you with your stress, Holland. Oh boy, what are you going to do? Massage my temples? Holland. What are we doing?

You're making me stressed. Arland, in the Amazon rainforest, the native tribes that live there don't have access to modern medicine or modern professionals such as myself. Lucky for them, maybe I should move there. Holland. Well, what's your point?

Holland, sometimes they have to use things from their local environment to help them cope. with the ailments that they have. Meaning? Well, sometimes they'll eat a certain type of leaf to deal with a headache, Ireland. Okay.

Sometimes they'll drink a kind of wild berry juice to help with cramps. Okay, and? And one of the medicines that I've been doing research on, Holland is that the indigenous tribes of the Amazon rainforest actually have a cure for stress, Holland. Oh boy, what do they do? Roll around on a log or something?

Holland. Well, what do they do? Holland, fortunately for you, I've researched it. And what they do is they rub salamander tits on their skin. What? They rub salamander tits on their skin, Holland. They rub salamander tits on their skin. All right, laugh all you want, Holland.

But they're the ones without stress, and you're the one with stress. I don't know if I like where this is going. What is in that bag? I brought some salamander tits, Holland. Oh, come on. I need you to take your shirt off and allow me to rub the salamander tits on your upper body and around your face and on your temples. I'm not taking my shirt off. You are not getting anywhere near me. Well, how about this little piece of paper I hold right here, Holland?

Is that a pink slip? You know it's Chicago. What? You heard me, Arlen, you know it Chicago. What does that mean? It's a saying, Holland. You know it, Chicago. That's right, Holland. I've never heard you.

You just made that up, didn't you? Pink slip, Holland. Are you telling me that if I don't take my shirt off and let you rub Amazon rainforest salamander tits on my body to help me reduce my stress, I'm going to get fired? Maybe I shouldn't use words to answer that question, Holland. Maybe a sound will do it better. Stop crinkling the pink slip.

Stop it. All right. All right, I'll do it. I'm taking my shirt off, you unbelievable. Easy, Holland. Don't get stressed. This is an exercise to help you calm down, Holland. right my shirt's off i never realized your breasts were so baggy stop i'll i'll put my shirt back on hold still

holland just let me rub these salamander tits all over your skin oh they're cold it's all right holland they're from the amazon what does that have to do with them being cold sometimes it gets cold there alland what are you talking about holland stay still the salamander has very rubbery skin that feels cold to the skin to the what are you saying nothing alland i stuttered hey get away from my nipples sorry arland how does that feel it feels disgusting are you kidding me let me get your face and temples holland Get away from my eyes. Holland, do you feel the stress leaching out of your body? I don't know. Give it a minute, Holland.

Count to three. What? Count to three. One, two, three. Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Ow! What's the matter, Holland? I don't know.

I feel like a burning sensation. Holland, just relax with the salamander tit slime all over your body. Ew, ow, ow, my face is burning. Ow, what the? God, is it supposed to burn like, and I'm itching? Oh my God, is it supposed to burn an itch? Ow, it really hurts. Olin, it's just south.

Oh, hang on a second, Olin. What? Oh, my goodness, Holland. What do you mean? Oh, my goodness. Ow! I'm afraid I brought the wrong bag, Holland. What are you talking about?

thought I rubbed salamander tits all over your skin and it turns out I brought the other bag from the Amazon rainforest what do you are you telling me you rub something else on my skin it looks like I accidentally rub the speckled tree-toed anus all over you what the hell the natives use it for poison dots in the jungle I get out of here ow I'm putting my shirt on oh it burns Owlid, let me rub some centipede twat all over your eyebrows. It'll help reduce... Get out of here! Ow!

Oh, ow! Oh, it burns. Ow! Olin. Get out! I can't believe it's not bother. Good Lord. What a meatball that guy is.

Roger, thanks a lot for not giving me the heads up that Ascot was coming in. Okay. No, well, no, not okay. Okay, I'm doing a show here. I need to know when there's a guest coming in. You just don't send someone in here when I'm not ready. Sorry, boss.

Okay, now you're just sounding disrespectful, okay? Do you have to say it like that? Come on. I'm sorry, Harlan. Okay, look, let's just move on. now this idiot has me wondering about these kind of weird home-brewed remedies to, you know, to cure ailments. And, you know what, I'm going to jump online here because I want to look some of these up. Like here's a website that has like things you can do around the house if you don't want to use, like, traditional, you know, drugstore medicine.

Here's a website that says, The best treatments I've found for common ailments, all use herbs you can grow in your garden or likely have in your kitchen cupboards, disguised as condiments and spices. And, of course, these remedies are not the final answer on what works, but nearly every plant you see around, you can heal something. Oh, God.

Maybe I wonder if Ascot was on this website. Let's start with Burns, okay? It says for burns, you can use honey. See, I didn't know this. You always hear that myth that you can use butter. I can't believe it's not butter. No, it's honey. Honey, they say this is especially good for severe burns.

It will stop infection, stimulate skin redact. generation and keep the burned area moist. Oh, nothing like a nice moist burn area. Honey is better for burns than nearly all medical interventions, even for third degree burns. What? Okay, maybe not, you know, if you're out camping and you burn yourself around the campfire, maybe not the best move to cover yourself in honey.

Because then you go right from burn victim, to grizzly bear meat, okay? So be careful where you put the honey. I mean, good Lord. Honey, huh? Interesting. How many of you would put honey on a burn? I don't know.

I don't see any medical data here to back this up, but let's see what else they use for burns. Prickly pear cactus pads. Fillade. All right. I can see people having honey in their fridge. Where the hell are you going to go get a cactus? Oh my God, I just put my hand on the stove.

Quick, someone drive me to Arizona. Oh, my God. Someone take me out to the Mojave Desert, quick. I just burn my hand on the teapot. Would somebody please get me a goddamn cactus? It says, wear gloves to hold the prickly pear cactus. pads. Yeah, duh.

We're using a sharp knife to gently fillet the exterior skin off the pads. So you're kind of like cutting this thing like a fish. You will be left with slimy oval pads of plant matter. Place the pads directly on the burn and bandage the wound. For a sunburn rub the pads on affected areas. Now, see, that might work, but it's a little impractical. I mean, who the hell has access to prickly pear cactus pads? I mean, probably less than 1% of the whole population.

Now, what's interesting is I shouldn't laugh. I live in California. And on my hillside, it's covered with prickly pear cactus. I'm not even joking. Like, I live up in the Hollywood Hills, and the cliff side is literally just crawling with prickly pear cactus. Maybe I should start my own industry. I should start shipping prickly pear cactus filleted prickly pear cactus pads.

I could like freeze, dry them, and I could FedEx them to you, and you could slime yourself, and take care of. You're your burns. Here's another category, cuts and scrapes. Okay, everybody gets cuts and scrapes, right? This site it says, make some wound powder. Okay, wound powder, huh? Okay, it says homemade wound powder stops bleeding, dries out the wound, inhibits infection, and stimulates healing.

Says use a bandage the first day and then leave the wound open. Unless it's hard to protect or it is gaping. Yeah, I don't think you want to leave a gaping wound open. So they say a good wound powder contains any berberine plant, such as barberry, golden seal, or Oregon grape root. Comfrey root or leaf juniper needles The older needles on the tree or bush are the better needles They contain more tannis and will thus stop bleeding faster than young needles

And maybe oregano, rosemary, or thyme Well, this sounds exactly like everything you'd find in the skin On Kentucky Fried Chicken Isn't that like seven herbs and spices? Look, if you get a, if you get a, if you get a cut or a wound apparently just roll up to the uh roll up to the kFC drive-thru and order yourself some uh gauze pads how can we take your order yeah listen i just cut my arm open and uh i'll need two chicken breasts and a thigh and uh make sure the skin's not crispy because i got to dress a wound yeah

Boy, that's a lot of stuff for wound powder. It says the the bourbonne plant and the juniper needles will disinfect and the juniper needles will also stop the bleeding. Comfrey will stimulate healing and oregano-rosemary and thyme are also antibacterials. I did not know this.

Maybe Dr. Ascot was on to something. Maybe it is good to scrub salamander tits on your body. That's pretty wild. And I could go on and on and on, but, I mean, here's some remedies for rashes. For hives, apply it. tincter. I don't know what a tincter is. It sounds really close to a sphincter, and that's got me nervous. Apply a tincter of echinacea, angostofolia root, topically, using a cotton ball to

administer it to the affected area. Take a half teaspoon of the tincter internally each hour. That just doesn't sound right. Taking some tincter internally. That, that, that, that, Sounds like it could lead to more than just a rash. For poison ivy, jewel weed salve is best. Good additives are Calendula flowers, chamomile flowers, and Siberian elm bark, all of which soothes the skin and are right outside your front door, aren't they? At any other herbs you want, but use the aerial parts of a jeweled plant

for half of the dried herbs wait i don't know stings and bites use prickly pear again i don't know if you if you got a sting do you want to risk using a cactus to cure a sting i mean isn't that what cactus do they're full of uh they're full of like needles and just sting you i don't know it's some interesting stuff. The problem is that I think you're latching on to here is that it's just tough. It's tough to find all these ingredients. Here's one that maybe all of you might need.

Diarrhea. Oh, my God. Let's see what they say. Any strongly astringent plant will work for ordinary diarrhea. Blackberry root, the main standby used for millennia is extremely effective. Cramaria root, older pine needles just pulled off the tree, and wild geranium are all very helpful for regulation. Those sound like the exact things that would cause diarrhea. I mean, you start eating blackberry root, flowers, and pine needles.

Beatles. I think that's going to give you the squirts faster than, you know, eating four bowls of pudding and jumping on a trampoline. Oh, God. I don't know. Yikes. How about this one? We'll end here because these are getting, I mean, this could go on forever. But irritable bowel syndrome. Here we go. Juice, one beat, one piece of green cabbage, three carrots, four stalks of celery, and four leaves of fresh plantain. But plantain, I don't know what plantain. Here it is. Plantain is a common plant you can usually find growing in front yards and is unrelated to the banana of the same name.

can you imagine that uh barbara what are you doing on my front lawn oh don't worry i'm just picking some plantain i got the runs excuse me yeah listen i can't talk i got to pick your plantain or i'm gonna crap all over your yard okay well just make sure you pick it up after we had a golden retriever do the same thing here yesterday it says cabbage and plantain are the most important ingredients, but they don't taste very good by themselves. Hello. The other ingredients will improve the taste while assisting your adrenal glands, liver, and immune system. Drink this juice every morning for breakfast.

Eat oatmeal for lunch and have whatever you want for dinner. Iridal bowel syndrome will clear fairly rapidly on this regime. Yeah. I mean, cabbage and roots. boots and carrots and beats you're going to blast your whole insides out man that you might as well just ask someone to hang you up and draw and quarter you like they did in the medieval days listen i've got irritable bowel syndrome if you could just hang me up on those poles make a vertical cot just under my rib cage peel my stomach open and anything you see

coiled in there like it looks like a worm or a large snake those are my intestines. If you could just strip those out and then sew me back up and glue my skin back on with cactus and honey, okay? Good Lord, I don't know. Isn't it just easier to pull up to right aid and grab a jar of peptobismol? Who cares what's in it? Stopped your Mexican sunshine, if you know what I mean. God. good lord i can't believe ascot got me thinking about all this stuff well anyways there you go maybe you want to share if you have any home remedies that you want to share that could be pretty interesting i think that's something i'd like to hear about

but they can't just be like home remedies they got to be home remedies that you've tried and have worked they got to be real and they have to have worked if you want to share any of them with our listeners here you know the number three two three seven 739 4330 3239 4330 and we'd love to hear of your magic elixers And we'll end it there we'll end it there on a health conscious note I've actually got to run out in the garden and eat some grass and a couple of palm fronds Because I've got to do something to counteract the He's the speckled toad anus I rubbed all over myself.

Anyway, let's move on to some announcements here. If you want to catch me doing some stand-up comedy, come on out to Buffalo, Buffalo, New York. Yes, May 7th to the 10th. I will be at a club called Helium, my first time ever performing in Buffalo, New York. Very excited. and I hope all of you make it out to the show.

And then later in the month, down in Southern California, May 21st to 24th, yours truly will be at the American Comedy Co in San Diego. Great club, lots of fun. Come on out. You can get your tickets at Harlandwilliams.com. Just go to my stand-up tour schedule. also check out our store while you're there all kinds of fun stuff and please subscribe to my YouTube channel the subscription buttons right at the bottom of the home page just click it and you'll get

all my wacky videos um so there you go I'm gonna like I said I got to get out in the garden and eat some dirt and rub some worms on my face and I think I'll eat a eucaly but outside of that it's all good thank you for being here tell your friends tell your friends to get on the harland highway and like i said you can write me at harlem williams.com if you want to leave me an email i might read it on the show or i might play your phone call on the show you can call the hotline you don't talk to anyone it's just an answering machine so you can say or do whatever you want that number 323739 4330 thanks for being here everybody have a great day remember to smile say something nice to a stranger and until next time chicken chalman

baby i can't believe it's not bother mr williams i love your comedy Apples!