The Harland Highway - 672 - An INVENTOR of a new baby care device calls the show. Animal enemies!

Episode Date: May 11, 2015

When animal friends turn into enemies. An INVENTOR calls in with an incredible new device to revolutionize baby care. More home remedies. Cure my fishing lure!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

heavens to murgatroyd even hello it is me harland williams i just heavens to murgatroyded you right out of the gate i don't know why you didn't deserve that i apologize heavens to murgatroyd even um we are going to have a wonderful guest on the show today an innovative inventor uh will be calling in later in the show to discuss her brand new invention to help assist with child care, with baby care. This is going to be great. I'm very excited to have this person on the phone. So that's later in the show. Also, we're going to be talking about animals. Are animals your buddies, your friends, but then somehow they turn into your enemies?

The critters that we know and love, that you'd love to cradle in your arm, and be friends with do they suddenly become your enemies it's possible also we get a call from a pavement pounder who has created a home remedy we had a question of the day the other week asking to you a call in with your own home remedies and we have a we have a real winner i think not um so get ready put your helmet on this is the harland highway Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you, I will please you all, believe me.

What is he like? What's he going, anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're going to need a bigger coach. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect the guy that's jig alone, man?

It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird.

You're not me. I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money to work. Believe me. The Harland Highway.

Question of the day. Let's talk about the little critters, the little critters that walk the earth. Do you have animal critters in your life? I think everybody does, whether you have a domestic pet or you just have like local critters in the yard in the neighborhood. And do you have critters that turn from friend to enemy? Do you know what I mean?

You've got lovable little animal critters. You love all animals. They're cute and they're furry and they're cuddly and they sing their little songs and they skitter around your yard. You're like, oh, look at the little, look at the little bunny. Listen to the beautiful morning bird. Oh, there's a deer in my yard. Right?

and you're like, oh, I love all the critters. I should be Noah. I should start an arc and start saving the critters. But then what about when the critters go around the bend and you go from having animal friends to animal enemies? Okay? Like, for example, as ridiculous as it sounds, I live in Los Angeles, a city of 11 million people, but I'm up in the hills, and there's deer.

I get deer on my property. There's been mornings when I've woken up, looked out the window, and there's like seven, eight deer standing on my lawn by the swimming pool. I'm like, what the hell? What is this? Matt Damon's I bought a zoo? And I'm like, oh my God, deer. I love it. Look at the beautiful deer.

Oh, I'm so blessed. I'm so lucky to have deer in my yard. What a gift from the heavens. And then I go around the corner, and I look, and my plants looked like they were in a hurricane. They're just, like, so chewed up and ripped. The deer have eaten the crap out of my plants that I planted. I guess deer aren't that pig.

about what they eat. They're like, if it's green and it's leafy, I'll have some. They're like, they think they're at Golden Corral. So I got bite marks and my beautiful plants are shredded. And I tolerated it for a while, but then it just got ridiculous. Like, instead of just eating one plant, it's like, okay, there's 14 plants. Let's just, let's just chew on one of them. We'll destroy one. We'll leave the rest. They take bites out of all of them. They'll take four bites here, 20 bites there, two bites here. And then I thought, okay, well, it's just that one plant.

So I kind of lived with it. And now I'm starting to see they're eating like, they're biting into the other plants. They're biting into the trees, the bushes. They're eating everything. They're treating my yard like a Golden Corral Boufeg. Screw you. So now I feel like my little deer buddies have become enemies.

Okay? And then I got these, you know, little gophers. Who doesn't love a little gopher? Oh, furry little gopher. Digs a hole in the ground. Who's he hurting? He lives down underneath the earth. Okay, fine.

But in L.A., there's these things called pocket gophers. I've talked about them before. They're like the gopher you saw in caddyshap. that Bill Murray tried to blow up time and time again. And I love all little critters, but these stupid pocket gophers, they don't make just one hole like most gophers. They make multiple holes. When I say multiple, I'm talking dozens.

So I, you know, I spent all this money to landscape my yard, level it out, brought some fresh sawed in. my lawn looked like a like a resort in Arizona but oh no here comes my little animal buddies here comes the uh the pocket gophers and these guys have put so many holes in my yard

it looks like I'm when I look at my lawn I feel like I'm looking through a telescope at the surface of the moon it's just pock marks and there's probably about 100 holes in my yard a hundred holes about the diameter of let's say like a tangerine it's infuriating and then not only do they make the holes but they push all the dirt up and then the dirt gets moved around so my nice flat even lawn that costs a lot of money to landscape now looks like you ever see these guys that ride the dirt bikes on the weekend and they're just driving around there's mounds of dirt and then it's flat and they jump and It's like a mini scaled down version of a dirt bike track.

It just mounds of dirt. There's bald patches where they push the dirt onto the grass so the grass can't get any sun. It literally looks like, you know, the military uses, they create testing ranges for their missiles and their bombs. They go out in the desert and they designate a few acres and they just shoot stuff out there and there's their pockmarks. and holes and blast marks.

That's what these little gophers have done to my yard, man. Thanks a lot, friends. And how about a little morning song, don't we? Little birds singing in the morning to ease us out of a deep sleep. Wrong. I love all my little birds, but as I've said before, the state bird in California is the mockingbird. And the mocking bird is called the mockingbird because it impersonates all the other birds.

And at this time of year, they're building their nest and raising their babies. and they get very territorial. So what they do for about three months, May, June, and July, if you're so unlucky to have them build a nest somewhere on your property, they defend their nest by breaking into their multiple bird calls at about three in the morning.

But yeah, when it's still dark, they're singing. And they don't stop until about nine in the morning. So why they pick that block to broadcast that this is their territory is beyond me. But they're extremely loud. They don't stop. And they just go through the gamut of every bird call you've ever heard. And these lovable little birds you like seeing flapping around in your yard,

cute little fellas here, have some seeds. How about have some cyanide? Have some rice and go, go, go, flop on your back and die. Where's cereal with the mustard gas when I need it? God! Hate to sound mean, but God! These things are just like having an alarm clock that won't shut off.

And if you don't believe me, you know what? I'm actually going to, I'm going to go home tonight, and I'm going to record these little morons in my yard. I'm going to leave the stew. And when I go home, tomorrow morning, when I wake up, I'll record these annoying freaks. And you can see what I'm going through. These things started three in the morning. So I'm going to cut to it right now.

And this will be me in the morning and then we'll come back. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. That's him, right there, the noisy one. Hear him? Doing every bird call, doesn't shut up.

Three in the morning. Moron. So see, there you go. That was actually recorded, radio. out in my yard. I went home, I cut away from the show, and now I'm picking it up again. And it's insane.

And that's not even the volume. I mean, I'm recording from a distance. Imagine all that right outside your window. But there's more. Oh, yes, there's more. These critters. Oh, wait a minute. There's more. How about the little raccoons? Oh, who doesn't love raccoons running through their

little characters, striped little bandits. Oh, what a touch of nature. Until every night, I guess the raccoons get into a habit where they're like, you know what, I've got to take a dump. And I'm a raccoon, and I eat a lot of unusual stuff. Seeds and birds and crabs and plastic bags and chocolate bar wrappers.

And like every other critter, I got to take a dump, so I'm going to do it right here every night in front of your house. I'm going to do it right on your doorstep. You're like, whoa, well, wait a minute, fuzzy little forest critter friend. Can you not leave your mystery dumps in front of my welcome mat every night, please? I mean, you can't avoid looking at it, and you're seeing. You're seeing like piles of poo with stuff in it that looks like somebody was at a rummage sale. Are those car keys in that dump?

Is that a little car made out of Lego in that dump? Is that a Rubik's Cube in that dump? Is that a walnut in that dump? What the hell of these guys are? Is that a can of Campbell's cream of celery soup in that dump? What are these raccoons eating, man? So I don't know. That's the question of the day, man.

Do you have little critters that you thought were your friends and turn out to be your enemies? They're out to get you. They're destroying your life. They're making stuff hard. And I'm sure there's other ones. I mean, I'm just scraping the top of the barrel here. Who knows what else?

Oh, boy. So there you go. Question of the day. Have your animal friends turn from friends to enemies? The Harland Highway. Question of the day. What we've got here is failure to communicate. Well, let's switch topics and go to something that's a little more.

more pleasant, shall we? Enough of griping and groaning and that type of thing. Babies. Don't we all love babies? Don't we all love little babies, cute little babies? Well, I always like to have creative people on the podcast, innovative people. And I guess there's a woman out of Duluth, Minnesota, who's come up with, I guess, some kind of invention. to help relieve the stress of parents having to find babysitters and nannies.

They've come up with a way to make it easier for parents to get away from their babies, leave their babies, and feel that their babies are safe and secure. It sounds fascinating and intriguing. She's created an invention that, I guess, is supposed to watch the baby or something. I don't know if it's a robot or if it's, but why don't we just patch her on through. Are she ready to go, Roger? Okay, this is great. Here we go.

Hello, are you there, Laura Lumpcrabb? Hi, Harlan, how are you? Great, Laura. Good to have you on the show. It's excellent to be here. We're so happy to talk to you today. Well, we're happy to talk to you. As I said, we love innovative people, and we're very excited to hear about your new product in child care.

Excellent, yes. We're so excited about it. Well, it says here it's called the Baby Web. Can you tell us a bit about the Baby Web? Oh, absolutely, Harlan. Yes. Well, as you know, people have infants, and we all live very busy lifestyles. And, you know, sometimes it's hard to sneak away for that frozen.

yogurt or a glass of wine with the girls or, you know, maybe even have a business meeting or something like that. And you've got a baby at the house and you're like, oh my gosh, you know, I can't get a babysitter. Everyone's booked up. It's an awkward time of the day. You know, and who wants to have a full-time nanny? That's just not practical for many people, especially lower-income families. Yeah, absolutely. A nanny can't be cheap. And as you said, yeah, probably spontaneous moments in a mother's life where she needs to get out the door and go and do something and obviously can't tag the baby along. 100%, 100% Harlan.

And so we designed an incredible apparatus called the Baby Web. Okay, that sounds intriguing. Tell us about the Baby Web. What is it and what does it do? Well, it's built out of principle taken right out of nature's play. Look. Basically, if you've ever observed a spider, building a spider web in a corner or between two branches or, you know, under the rim of a roof, or wherever you might find a spider web in the garage. Sure. I think everybody has spiderwebs around. So, as you know, they kind of sit there and they wait for a fly or a moth or whatever to fly into it.

And once an insect flies into the spider's web, it has no chance of getting out. Yeah, it is a fascinating feat of engineering for a spider to do this. Absolutely. And, you know, it's incredible how strong and how powerful the spider web is. It can just hold on to its victim, shall we say, until the spider's ready to come down and, you know, do what a spider does and eat it. Absolutely, yes. So what is the baby web exactly, Laura? Well, the baby web is we imitated the spider web. Okay, we studied it. We studied the patterns of it.

We studied its stress points where it's strong, where it's at its weakest. And more than anything, we studied the stickiness of the spider web. How do you mean the stickiness? Well, even though the spider web is silken, okay, a spider shoots silk out of its abdomen, there is a sticky texture to the spider web that actually clings to a moth or a fly or whatever misbegotten creature might happen to fly into the spider's web. Oh, yeah, that's true. If you've ever, like, touched a spider's web, very sticky, kind of weird, it clings to your flesh.

Absolutely. And our researchers, our team studied this. And what we did, Harland, with the baby web, is we've got strands of very strong poly filament rope, string. We've created our own strand, our own weave. It's somewhere between a rope and string, kind of in that middle ground. Okay, got it. And what we've done is we've had our master seamstresses, sew these things together, following the process. patterns of a traditional spider web. Okay. And we've got little hooks on the ends. Okay, so basically you can stick the hooks up in the corner in the garage. You can actually hook it onto branches on a bush or a tree, what have you.

And I'm guessing it hangs down like a spider web. Exactly. It hangs down. It fans out. So you've got a big circle. It's about an eight foot by eight foot. circular, semi-circular shape. It's a little off the same way as spider web is,

but pretty much around the shape. Okay, yeah, because, you know, spider webs aren't perfect. They're kind of got edges to them. Precisely. And we emulated that model right from Mother Nature, because Mother Nature, she always gets it right. She sure does. So that's kind of what the baby web is.

Okay, that sounds great. Great. So just so I'm clear, it's like you've imitated a spider's web. It's big. It's like eight feet, and you kind of hang it where you said you can hang it just about anywhere, and it looks kind of like a giant spider web. Exactly. Okay, that sounds fantastic. And so how does the baby element come into it? Well, as I said, mothers these days are busy. We're very, very busy. And so if you have to run out for that, Starbucks run, or you've got a craving for, you know, a cappuccino, or you want to have a glass of wine with the girls, and there's your baby sitting there, just drooling and looking at you with those dopey eyes, and, you know, you just don't know what to do with it. You can just pick

the baby up. Okay. And just run outside and throw it in the baby web. I'm sorry? Just throw the baby in the baby web, and it just hangs there. Take it back. Oh, whoa, whoa, are you saying you physically throw your infant into the baby web? Yes, if it's hanging on a wall, in a tree, what have you, just throw the baby in, and it's very strong. The baby just hangs there like a trapped fly or a stang mantis or a moth. And, of course, just the way moths flap their wings until they get tired or flies, buzz, and flambles. their wings until they get tired. A baby might flail its arms or cry, but eventually it just gets tired and just hangs there until mother gets home with her frappuccino or a glass of wine.

Um, I don't know. Okay. Laura, I'm not sure that that's the safest thing. We've tested it, Harlan, and we've had babies hanging in there for up to the 16, 17 hours. Some of them upside down, sideways. It doesn't matter. Whoa, are you telling me you through... Are we talking live babies? Harlan, they told me you were funny. Of course they're live babies. That's what the baby went to find for.

To eradicate the need for a babysitter, which are expensive. They add up. Now, the baby web retails for $224, but you have to figure, you know, that's the cost of, you know, half a year's worth of babysitter. you're really it's a great investment well wait a minute oh can i stop you there laura lump crab yes well i i i think i've got some concerns here you're talking about taking a live baby running outside because you're going to get a glass of wine with your girlfriends oh yes we the girls love their afternoon wines and you just you run out the door you throw your baby in a spider

Webb, it's hanging in a tree or in the garage, and you go and get your drink on with your girls and come back when? Well, it doesn't matter. One never knows how long an afternoon wine session goes with the girls. I mean, you know, you get talking about life, you get talking about relationships. I mean, I've done it for, you know, there's been times when I've been out six, seven hours, and I've had to get a cab home because, you know, once that wine stuff, It starts pouring. It just starts flowing.

Okay. I think I got to put the handbrake on here for a second, okay? You're out drinking and getting coffees, going to dinners, and you have babies hanging upside down, sideways in the baby web for, I mean, come on. This isn't healthy for the baby. Well, babies don't know much, Harlan, you know. they haven't formed thoughts yet their skulls are soft like a jellyfish and

you know they don't get it and you know a big mother is stressful and you have no idea how much a couple of glasses of wine helps and what really helps too is knowing that your baby's safe okay that your baby can't get out it's hanging

in the baby web and you know if there's a breeze blowing it gently rocks the baby back and forth Okay, that's another thing. What if bad weather comes and your babies in the... I know where you're going with this, Harlan. We have tested these in wind tunnels, and these are hurricane proof, okay?

We've had these up to 70 miles an hour. We've had babies in wind tunnels at 70, up to 130 miles an hour, babies in wind tunnels, and they don't even move. Are you telling me you threw a baby? baby web up in a wind tunnel and through live babies in the baby web and had the wind blowing it 135 miles an hour and we even did one at 150 for a fat baby and that they didn't move and what's great harland i'll never forget we had a storm here about three weeks ago in deluth it was a real dilly and john and i that's my husband john we were inside having you know having what we call

Socky night where, you know, we have sushi, and we crack open a couple of bottles of sake, and the baby was crying and causing a disturbance, and the power went out, okay? Wait a minute. The power went out, and the baby was crying, and suddenly it got very romantic. We lit candles, and the storm rolled in, and you know the sound of the rain on the roof, and the thunder cracking and the lightning and the wind blowing, rustling the trees. What do you, wait a minute.

And so we thought, this is just too romantic a moment. This was like before we had the baby. So we ran outside. John was such a trooper. He threw on his hoodie, and he ran outside, and he threw the baby web up between two trees, and believe me, there were stuff blowing all over him. He's always such a man.

It just added to the. romantic vibe going around that evening. And he hung the baby web up, and he ran out and threw Sarah and Carl in there. We have the twins. You threw twin babies into a baby web in the middle of a violent storm? No, hold on, Harland. I told you, this thing is hurricane proof. We've tested it.

And what's amazing is these trees were blowing so hard. they were bending and bending forward and bending back. And it's almost like it was almost the lulling sensation of being in the womb. And I'll tell you, our babies, after just a little bit of screaming, it looked like they fell right to sleep. And they were just blowing kind of back and forth, back and forth, swaying in the wind. And John and I, we, well, I won't tell you how much socky we had, but it was just a wonderful romantic night.

Okay, Laura, look, I'm going to stop you're right there. I don't think this is a good idea. And by the way, do you have pets, Harland? No, I don't have pets. And quit trying to change the subject. I'm not trying to change the subject. I'm just saying, if you have pets and a small dog or a cat, and you have to get away for a weekend, you're going camping,

or you're going away to a resort for seven or eight days, throw your pet into the baby web. It holds them wonderfully. Okay. Laura, no. No, no, no, no, no. This is, this is, I don't, at first I was excited about this. You can't throw live babies into a giant spider web during hurricanes and put them in wind tunnels.

And sometimes you can throw the pets and the baby into the thing. And then the baby has the comfort of having the household pet there. No, I don't want to hear anymore. We're also developing what we call this. seniors web where it has the strength to hold not only a senior but a senior in a wheelchair so you can technically rule your your grandparent or your elderly mother or father you could push them up a ramp at a very fast speed and launch them through the air and the spider web the old the seniors web will actually catch them like a baseball go up and just hold them there so you get back from vacation

or wherever you're going. Okay, no. This is, I'm not, I can't endorse this, Laura. This sounds dangerous. It almost sounds borderline immoral. And, uh, well, Harlan, do you have kids? No, I don't have kids. And you already said you, you don't have a pet.

No. So, you know, I'm afraid your trepidation is stemming from probably, you know, a lack of knowledge. and I don't mean to sound it. Well, come on now. I don't mean to sound, you know, cruel by saying that, but it sounds like you're lonely, and you wouldn't have a need for this product, but you're listeners.

You know what? I don't want my listeners to hear any more about this. It was great talking to Laura, but I can't endorse this. Well, you know, I think you're being a bit premature with your assessment. No, throwing old people and pets and babies into a giant fake spider web and letting them dang. for days and weeks, and who knows how long, unacceptable.

Well, if I could just give out the website, it's WW. No, hang up, Roger. No, WW. No, hang up. Whoa. Did you hear that, Roger? That was crazy. The baby web.

You know, that's an interview I almost wish we hadn't done. for all my listeners And I know Is she gone? Good As I was saying For all my listeners I do not endorse the baby web

And we did not give out the website Because that just sounds absolutely dangerous You know That was a little misleading Initially I was quite excited to speak to this woman But wow Not a fan Not a fan of what I just heard

So let's just put that one behind us and let's move on, Roger. Hello. Hello. Hey, what's up, Harland? Salutations and benedictions. I'm actually calling in reference to a show. You had a few shows back about home remedies. And I wanted to give you one that's not too crazy or too involved.

and it actually works. My own personal experience. All you need is eight ounces of orange juice and a clove or two of garlic, and you put those two ingredients into a blender, you mash them all up until they're nice and frothy, and then you just throw that back down your top hatch, and it's the best thing in the world. If you've got a cold or a flu, you just want to clean yourself.

out so if you don't believe me you can try it for yourself now stand by this one and i guess that's it let me know what you think if you try it chicken chalman baby later wow okay well uh you know i don't have a cold and i'm not ill at the moment you know mentally ill i don't think your remedy cures my mental illness and I have no desire to clean myself out um so you know I can't verify your claims but I appreciate you sharing orange juice and garlic cloves interesting man I don't know how good that would taste but you know I certainly appreciate you sharing and any of the pavement pound is listening who are under the weather who have a cold or the flu or want to clean themselves out there you go man uh you just got the hot home remedy tip uh i don't endorse it if you get

sick or jump off a roof that's on you this is not my concoction but uh hey it sounds interesting if any of you do try it and it works i want to hear about it me i just don't have the courage, and I'm not sick. So let me know. You can let me know a 3-2-3-739-4-3-3-0. Thank you, by the way, for calling in. Appreciate your input on the home remedy scene. Very interesting.

323-739-4-3-3-0. And let us know if you dare try that magic elixir to cure what ills you. I wonder if I could give any to that annoying mockingbird in my yard Or even the raccoon, he seems to clear himself out every night on my doorstep I bet that's what he's eating Orange juice and garlic Damn it Is that what you're eating Mr. Raccoon?

And it's the best thing in the world If you've got a cold or a flu We just want to clean yourself out Oh boy, you know what I should bring you and make you stand right next to where the raccoon cleaned himself out. I'll stand by this one. Okay, good. Well, like I said, if you want to call in,

again, it doesn't have to be a home remedy. You can call in for anything you want. 3-2-3-739-4-3-3-0, or you can just drop me an email at harlandwiliams.com. Just type in on our contact page, and we might read your letter on the podcast. So let's get to some. announcements here for God's sakes uh let's see what's going on um San Diego that's what's going on

January sorry May 21st January what the hell maybe I do need a glass of garlic citrus May 21st to the 24th yours truly at the American Comedy Co in San Diego California oh yes what a cool Then in June, June 11th to the 15th, I will be in Ontario, California, at the improv. And then Houston at the Houston Improv, June 18th to the 21st. So get your tickets. Everything's up on the website, all the links. Harland Williams.com. Go to my stand-up tour page.

While you're there, check out, yes, check out the website. store we got all kinds of fun gifts the magic fuck off shirt we got books kids books t-shirts um DVDs comedy specials you name it it's there man makes for great funny presents for people you know and love uh what else can i tell you about um subscribe to my youtube channel the buttons right at the bottom of the home page at Harlanwilliams.com. And you will get all my wacky videos as they come out. You'll be the first to get them. And they're always hopefully a lot of fun.

And I believe that. See it, man. That is all I got for today. Thanks for being here, gang. Do not buy the baby web. Or actually, you know what? Maybe buy a bunch of baby webs. and let's see if we can catch those mockingbirds.

All right, that's it for now. Thanks for being here. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway, and until next time, chicken. Chowman, baby. I'll stand by this one. I'm all right. Nobody but about me.

Why you got to give me a fight? Yes, you just let it be. Thank you.