The Harland Highway - 673 - Special guest TOM GREEN is on the show talking about life, death, love and other stuff!

Episode Date: May 14, 2015

Special guest TOM GREEN is on the show talking about life, death, love and other stuff! It's a late night hang out with the funnyman himself. Lot's of fun stuff. Green Machine!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey everybody, welcome. Welcome to a very special edition of the Harland Highway podcast. A very special guest on the show today. Today's show's show's longer than normal. It's twice the length. It's about an hour long. So settle in. Put your slippers on. Put your bathrobe on. Put some cotton between your toes and paint your nails. This gentleman has been on the show before a number of times. Always interesting, always funny, always provocative, insightful, irreverent, silly, informative, surprising, all kinds of fun things. My friend Tom Green is here. Tom Green from movies and TV and his crazy WebOvision show online. We'll talk about that. later on, multifaceted, multi-talented, uh, multi-medium mogul gentleman, friend, entrepreneur.

And we're going to be talking about everything from sex to, uh, dying, technology, you name it, we're covering it. And of course, at the end of the show, we'll be playing the famous Harland Highway game too soon or not too soon with Tom Green right here today on the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you, I will please you all, believe me What is he like?

What's he like anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel straight from nothing. You're going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Oh, man, what do you expect the guy's chiggle-law, man? It's over, Jenny.

It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. It's just plain weird. You know what I mean?

I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money for it. Believe me. Hey, everybody, this is Harland Williams, and it's late at night. And this is a very special late night, Harland Highway podcast.

My buddy dropped by the studio, my good buddy, my comedian buddy, my hockey buddy, my taker for a rip-a bud, buddy. It's Tom Green's here. Hi, Tom. Hello, Jerry. How are you, Jerry? Very good, very good. Oh, what a treat to see you, man.

Absolutely. It's a surprise late-night podcast. This is fun. It's fun to do to it at night when there's no sun and it's dark and the night demons are out wandering around. It's like Johnny Fever on WKRP in Cincinnati. Johnny Fever. Yeah. Remember Howard Hesman? Yeah, yeah. Is Johnny Fever, the late night host on WKRP and Cincinnati? We're at WKRP in Cincinnati.

Nice. Yeah, with Les Nessman and Lonnie Anderson. Oh, yeah. Was it Lonnie or Lonnie? Lonnie Anderson, yeah. Married to Bert Reynolds. Yeah, and Big Guy Carlson. Yeah.

Remember the Big Guy Carlson guy at WKRP? Yeah. Or should I say, at WKRP in Cincinnati? Nice. Yeah. We're off to a good start, a little singing already. A little TV song, stuff. Baby, if you've ever wondered, wondered whatever it came of.

I'm living on the air in Cincinnati, Cincinnati, WKRP. I'm a WKRP in Cincinnati. Do I talk about the thing I just showed you on the phone? Not yet. No? I'm going to talk about something else that's technical. Okay, yeah. Because you're a techie guy.

Yeah, uh-huh. And I guess we could talk about you just showed me how to do the periscope thing. Yeah, that's what I was talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very cool. Yeah. So, yeah, so I've been really into it. I've been really into Periscope.

Yeah. It's this new app. If you don't know what it is, it's a new app. By Twitter, right? Yeah, it's, I was just recently bought by Twitter. And basically, it's a live video streaming app that you can stream video live from your cell phone. Can I try and say that? that three times fast, live streaming video app, live streaming video app, live streaming video app.

Okay, it's not a tongue twister. It's not a tongue twister. If you try seashell, seashells by the sheeshore, you can't do it, but live streaming. She sells seashells by the seashore. Three times, though. She sells seashells by the seashore. She sells seashells by the seashore. Yeah, not a chance in hell. I did it perfectly. No. Yeah. No. I practiced. But if you try live streaming video app three times. No problem. Try that one. I don't know if I can do that. I haven't practiced that one. Live streaming video app three times. Go. But listen, it's cool.

Yeah. It's, uh, it's a, it's a blue, blue, blue right by that one. Wow. Painful. That hurts my heart. No, I didn't think I could do it. That's all. Listen, I want, I want to tell the people what it is. You know, we're friends. I can blow past stuff. Yeah, you could, I'm going to come back later on the show and throw it at you. Yeah. Live streaming video app. Live streaming video app.

Video app. Live streaming video app. There. I did it. You did it. See? So it's not a tongue twister. See? I did it. I did it. Great. So we know. So we're done on that. We're done. Maybe. I might come back. I might come back with more. So it's cool. So I was, I'll show to you because I want you to get on it. Yeah. I'm going to get on. I'm going to start a... Basically, everybody listening can watch. And then when you stream from your phone, everybody can watch. And then you can talk back to the person who's streaming via text and all these little texts. come up on the screen. And it's really fun when you're touring because you can be in a strange city, a new town. You can go live and then people will start watching and coming and finding you on the street. You could sit down in a Starbucks

and wait and tell people where you are. And say, come have a coffee with me. And what's cool is as you're streaming your video, people are sending you little notes on the screen. So while you're filming something, people are like, where are you? What are you wearing? So I was in San Francisco walking along

And I heard my voice coming down the road And it was me from like seven seconds ago Because there was a short delay Coming out of a car And these two guys were watching in their car And they pulled up They had a convertible Mustang And then I jumped in the back of their car with them

And then we drove around San Francisco Streaming Periscoping together Yeah And then they beat the crap out of me And threw me in a dumpster No, they didn't It was a positive thing That would have been a cool ending

Yeah, no it was totally positive cool, like to be live streaming where you got the shit beat out of you and put in a dumpster. Yeah, I don't even want to put that out there because I'm sure that's going to end up happening to somebody. But that would be cool. You'd be like, okay, now I'm in the dumpster. There's a grapefruit rind on my face. Oh, yeah. And I've got coffee grinds on my fucking eyes and I'm fucking bleeding.

Oh, yeah. This is so cool. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't even want to put that out there. No, you already did. Yeah. Coffee grinds.

Coffee grinds in your eyes. And grapefruit rinds on your head. Yeah. Hey, speak in a tech, does Tom Zachary Green, is it Zachary your middle name? Yeah. Tom Zachary Green, do you get an Apple watch? You're going to get the Apple watch? I don't think so, no.

Oh, why? Because my phone has a watch on it. Like, it has the time on it. Oh, but you can't strap your phone to your wrist. Yeah, I don't know. I think that's like almost like halfway to Google Glass. You know when everyone had the glasses? Yeah, yeah.

Well, actually, nobody had the glass. It's like, yeah, didn't you have to pay five grand to wear Google Glass and like 10,000 people had it? Yeah. I'm going to wait and see what it is first. Yeah. And then if it gets really, really popular, because I like popular things and I don't like to be left out. Sure. Then I'll get it.

But you're not, see, I thought you would just be intrigued by the technology. technology and like because you you love you love gadgetry and yeah i i i don't know if i'll get the watch though it seems gimmicky to me interesting see that's why i had to ask you i wanted to see what you thought sometimes i get into things right away and some things i don't get into things right away and then i regret it so i might regret it but the thing is is i can always get the watch later like i mean i like like i got into twitter about four years late and i regret it well looks like you're the leading guy on the edge of periscope yeah i'm well i got on there early and I'm not going to make the same mistake I made with Twitter with Periscope.

I think it's made for people who like to talk and who like, you know, who are, you know, do like podcasters or comedians and I just want to show my boobs. Yeah. Well, it's good for that. Yeah. Because I just have my aerolize bleached. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Well, you definitely want to get that. Really? So I can put them on there. Well, I mean, they're really white. They look like abominal snowman eyes. Did you do it for you or did you do it for, for others? I did it. I did it.

I had a home kit just for. aerial eye. But was it like, do you want other people to see them? Yes. Yes, that's why I did it. So I can periscope my, my boots. Definitely get on there. Well, it's great for that too, yeah. Great. Yeah, so. Have you ever seen an abominable snowman's eye?

Up in Canada, yeah. They used to come down to the the Laverandre elementary school hockey rink down by my house. Oh, and watch you play? Yeah, they'd sit out by the rink there. Because my bleached ariole looks just like a bonnable snowman's eye. Yeah, yeah. No, I was going to say.

Yeah, so anyways, good, okay. You, you, now you love to shoot video, right? Yeah, I do, yeah. Like, you know, you love the periscope. You've been shooting video. Everyone knows you're the cutting edge, like, shooting video guy right out of the MTV days right up to now. Yeah, I've always been a bit of a video nerd, yeah. So here's the question, and it might raise a bit of a moral dilemma.

I'm out. Okay, yeah. Okay, so you're shooting some video. Tom Green shooting some video. Let's say you're at the zoo. This is just a hypothetical. A guy jumps in the lion cage at the zoo. Oh, yeah. Does Tom Green keep filming and watch the story play out? Or does Tom Green get help? Like alert authorities. Alert authorities or attempt to get in and save the guy. Or is Tom Green the guy that goes, no, I have to see how this plays out. I have to be the eyewitness. for the world. What does Tom Green do in that situation? Is there anyone else there or am I the only person there? There might be a few around, but you know, it's down to you and your actions might. I tend to be a pretty, you know, spring into action kind of guy when somebody needs help and they're in trouble. Okay. But I would probably still keep videotaping while I was doing that. Really? So one hand on your camera and one hand, yelling, punching a lion? I would just, no, I don't, I would definitely not jump in the lion cage with the guy. What would you?

I would just scream for help. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, somebody, the guy's in the lion cage, hey, there's a guy in the lion cage. Hey, get over here, get over here. Hey, somebody, somebody, ah, ah, kind of thing. And then I sent somewhere in that screaming, get out of my shot. Yeah, yeah, get out, yeah, get on my shot. I'm periscoping here. Hey, do you guys have any questions for the guy getting attacked by the lion?

oh Cincinnati has a question for you how's your arm so that's good you know that's interesting that you you would you would put the guy help the guy versus like well you do both it sounds like I would do both yeah

that's cool yeah I would do both I mean I you know I think it's pretty amazing what's going on right now not to get political but what's going on right now in Baltimore yeah yeah with all the

The police brutality that's going on, and police are now, you know, have to be careful about shooting innocent people because somebody might be videotaping them. Yeah, right, right. So it's possible that, like, maybe the police might, like, decide, like, if I was a police officer now, right? Yeah. And I would probably just say, you know what? I'm just going to let that guy, like, get away with it, you know? Like, that guy's, like, rob in the store or whatever. I'm just going to let them finish.

And then, like, you know, I'm not going to go, you know, beat the crap out of them or anything. And maybe I'll arrest them, but I'm going to be a little more laid back about things, you know? Sure. Which I think could be a good thing. Like, you know, in England, the cops don't have guns, right? Well, the bobbies. Yeah. Yeah, the bobbies, they got sticks.

They've got tallywackers to them. I don't want to get all political. I mean, I certainly like the police and I appreciate it and it's a tough job and it's crazy. out there. Yeah. But, you know, it is interesting that video in the hand of every citizen now in this country definitely keeps everybody on their guard. Even people, regular people, like you and I, have to be careful about what we do.

We can't just be like an asshole anymore, for instance. Like, we can't just, you can't say something that is, you know, politically, you know, incorrect, like really politically incorrect. But that's the dilemma. Who decides that? You know what I mean? Well, it's yeah. But I mean, there is sort of things that you know that are not good to say. Let me flip on the other side. If the police, it becomes mandatory to start wearing a police camera. Yeah, I think they should do that. Okay. Which it sounds like it should because of in light of what's happened in Baltimore and in Ferguson. Yeah. Now here's the other side of the scenario. All of

of a sudden you've got police walking around all over the country filming everything. Yeah, which is good. Which might not be good because what if they're not even arresting you and they catch something on video and suddenly, you know, where does it end? You know, this guy in the back of the van, now they're going to put videos in the back of the van and now they're going to put videos on their cars and now and then maybe now citizens need to wear cameras. I think we should. I'm actually thinking of getting a video camera in my car.

You can get the ones that are permanently on. And I'm talking about citizens wearing them the way the police are in case. But see, here's what I'm getting at. Do you remember the term big brother? Yeah. So I get the functionality of the police wearing the cameras. So there's no more mix-ups. But you know, you got to remember those cameras are only needed during the mix-ups.

But if they're filming all the time wherever they go, you know, we just talked about Google Glass and one of the reasons people were freaked out about Google Glass because it had a camera in it and people didn't like the concept that someone was wearing a camera and if the police start wearing cameras do citizens start wearing them? Do bank tellers

start wearing them? To bus drivers start wearing them? Does everyone start wearing a camera? I think everyone basically is practically wearing a camera now. They're just not on all the time. I know but we're getting to that place where they're going to be on the clothing. I want to get one in my car see so if somebody like sideswipes my car and takes off i got you know evidence of it i know but see here's the thing we're already a a paranoid lawsuit crazy society oh yeah can you imagine if everyone and everything including your dog on his collar yeah your cat on his collar your baby on his

jolly jumper every everything starts to have a camera yeah what kind of world do we become we got people would be afraid to fucking pick their nose and cross the street Yeah, well, you should be. Who wants to pick? I don't want to pick my... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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I know. And maybe it's the plea. And maybe the police go back to the cop shop and go, hey, dude, this was a total accident. I was just, I was just doing my patrol. And I caught Tom Green picking his nose. Yeah, well, that's good, though. There'll be a lot less nose pickers out there. A lot less dirty booger pickers out there.

I guess. But, you know, I don't think people have thought through. Obviously, there's a good side. Yeah. Our privacy's gone. Right. It's screwed up in that sense, yeah. But I definitely.

But I definitely think that it's kind of a. good thing that there's a little accountability for some of these. Of course. Of course, because you don't want to see guys. Yeah, you don't want to see in anything, you don't want to see somebody get hurt or injured, but it raises the whole level of Big Brother. Yeah.

Where everywhere we go, everything we do, being recorded. Yeah. You know, what if the cops come to your door and your mother was depressed and she got totally drunk and ripped her clothes off and was laying in the front yard, face down in a birthday cake and the cops are filming all this stuff now there's footage

in the archives at the police station of your mother or let's say you got in a fight with your girlfriend and you're running down the street drunk with nothing on I mean I don't know That's what I'm saying our freedom would be a complete asshole is being stripped away from us I know

We have to just be all nice and sensible nice people from now on It's weird man I mean look I agree I'm for having cameras so that the police have to be accountable for their actions. It's good in the sense that now other people can't be assholes to us because they're accountable, but it's not good in the sense that we can't be assholes to other people. Right.

It's weird. It's growing. It's a bit of a trade-off. Yeah, but like I said, I think it's going to go beyond just the police. People are going to start wanting cameras. And then it's like, I don't know. It's interesting. Because then you're having a conversation with someone,

you're just joking around, you're making a joke about something. You're saying like, outrageous, you know, politically incorrect, you know, disgusting things just for a joke with your friends and your buddy posts it on YouTube. Yeah, and it's taken out of context. Yeah, next thing you know, you're fired. You're fired, yeah. That's happening all the time.

People are getting fired all the time now for saying stuff on video. But let's say you're a cop just walking your beat and you're walking down the sidewalk and the cop's camera just because he's standing in a certain direction, captures you and your buddy making inappropriate comments about something. The thing is, the things that get you fired, they're always the same things, right? There's like three things, right?

What? I don't want to say, I'm always I don't want to get fired, but it's like the racism, yeah, homophobia, yeah, and sexism. And shooting the office up of the semi-automatic. And shooting up an office with some,

yes, that violence, yeah, hurting someone physically. I'm just talking about words. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Words. Yeah. Yeah, terrorism, suggesting a terroristic act. But like, you know, like Kramer, you know, on the comedy club, said the N-word. Yeah. And then never heard from him again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so it's like that kind of deal. Right.

Yeah. He was the first victim of that. He was. He was the first, he was the first, he was the first guy to kind of be outed on social media. What I like about, um, when, when we get into these conversations, it's funny because like, we can literally be talking about like, uh, you know, orange rind, coffee grind covered dumpster dive, right? But the second I even hint at something political, you dive right in and suddenly it's like, I'm on the Rush Limbaugh show. Oh, yeah, it's great. I love it.

Isn't it fun? Yeah, absolutely. Me and you shift gears like a rusty old dump truck from Fresno. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's the beauty of the podcast. It's fun. It's fun. I don't want, that's why I say I don't want to get all political, you know?

But why not? Yeah, but it's fun for a minute. Why not? Why not get all political? By the way, it's not political. It's social. I totally agree with what you're saying, though. I think it's a double-edged sword. It's a double-edged sword. Exactly.

Yeah. Well, you know, as we get more serious here, let me roll it right back to where it needs to be. Chinese chicken sandwich. Which of these is a real word? Okay. Okay. First word, ringle-muff. Ringelmuth.

I would say that is not a real word. Second word, Greggle, grong, f fumble flamble. That sounds like two words to me. Neither of them are real. That's one. Frubbly grubbly snod gogglery.

I would say no. Okay. Muffin. Yeah, I'd say muffin's the real word. Okay, right. That is correct. That is correct. I've eaten muffins before.

You've eaten muffins? What's your favorite? Because you know what? It's driving me nuts. I go to these places now and they've got pumpkin seed, spice, and celery oil, walrus, twat, and fucking cinnacran, fucking dildo greed. Like, it's driving me nuts on these different muffins. Oh, yeah, yeah. What's your favorite muffin? I like a chocolate chip.

Simple, right? Yeah. But they're getting too weird and organic. Blueberry is sometimes nice. Blueberry simple, right? but they're getting really weird. Oh, I haven't had a good blueberry muffin in a long time. Really?

It's been a few years. Well, Tom, I whipped some up this morning. Oh, really? I'm sitting on the window, which cooling. I remember when I was growing up, kid in Canada, I used to get a blueberry muffin. Here we go. Hang on, let me put in the dream music. Yeah.

Okay, go. Oh, yeah. I remember growing up in Canada. Yes. I'd get a blueberry muffin. Yes. I'd slice it down the middle. Yes.

Spread a few dollops of butter on it. Yes. Put it in the microwave. that it get all soggy with the butter and eat it with a nice glass of milk I miss that

hang on with the dream music finish do you have a little muffin burp to finish it that was kind of you must have a big there it is okay kill the dream music

good one dude well I just fell right into that Yeah, but I really did like that. I can tell, I can hear it in your voice. I went through a blueberry muffin phase when I was in high school at one point. You know what phase I went through in high school? Bagels and cream cheese. No, a greggle, gronk, fumble flamble phase.

But you didn't think that was a real word. No, is it really a? No. Muffin is a real word. Muffin's real. Yeah, yeah. And not a greggle gronk fumble flamble. No.

Mr. Christie, you make good cook. cookies. That greggle, gronk, fumble, flamble. Remember the barbapas? What's that? You don't remember that? What is it? Cartoon in Canada.

The barbapas? It was like a Swedish cartoon that they play. Oh, was it sexual? No, they were like these large blob-type amoeba type characters. Ew. Clickety-click, barbid trick. And then they'd turn into a locomotive or something like that. Sounds like the beginning of Ebola.

Yeah, I remember the beginning of the show? It was like barba-papa, baba mama mama mama, baba-zoo, la-la-la-bba. They were big blobs? Big blobs, big colorful blobs. It was really like bad 2D animation. Sounds like SARS. Yeah. Hi kids.

Ready for some Saturday morning SARS? It's the blobabab muffins. Bababalala, babbib bab babbo, babo, babel, babel, bab brighton. I mean, I don't like this show. I've got Ebola. I can't believe you don't remember the barbapapas. That's amazing. How did it go again?

Barba mama, baba papa papa, baba boo, babu, baba babel, babbara bright, and bab bravo. You know, that sounds a lot like frubily grubbly grubly. snoggogglery. Yeah, we're going to have to Google that after the podcast. I want to show you the... What, frubbly grubbly snoggogger? This is the story of Barba Papa. This is the story of the Barba Papa.

Do do do do do do do do do do. You don't remember that? Curlon Carre Sing that again You ever hear Ebony and Ivory and Ivory So you sing that And I'll segue in another song

Underneath, okay? This is the story of the Baba Papa We're at WKRP in Cincinnati No, no, don't follow my song You keep doing your song It's like a duet And then I'll segue WKRP Underneath that

It takes skill So you start And I'll segue you out a little bit This is the story of the barba Poppa At WKRP In Cincinnati This is the story of the

Barba Papa And then Muffinburp That sounded a hell of a lot Like a frubly grubbly Florg snorgo-blogging Absolutely Well you know I wanted to keep going on the Technology thing because we talked about how cameras could upset the boat

Yeah. How are cell phones destroying our social lives, our social skills? Oh, yeah. Any thoughts on that? Well, it's just, you know, I mean, I can't stand how people are just seemed like they've, like, disconnected a little bit with each other. You know, everyone's always kind of like looking at their phone all the time. Constantly. Have you ever been on a date?

Yeah. And the girl is literally scrolling and texting while you're eating. Oh yeah, I just finished a year-long date with a girl who was on her phone the whole time. Really? Like constantly? Yeah, for an entire year she was on her phone. Like you'd be out eating together? I was like, I was dating her and her 4,000 Twitter followers. Oh, wow.

Yeah, it was constant, you know. Wow. Every time we did anything, it had to be documented. Oh, Jesus. And then she was so into, you know, boosting her social media presence that she wanted to all. always, she, she wanted to always, like, you know, take pictures of everything and post everything. I mean, I mean, I understand I do it all the time, but why is she doing it too? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your gig, not hers. Wow. Yeah, maybe she was perfect. Who knows?

No, I don't know. Like, I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't think it's just, I think the phones are weird. Like, I feel like, um, I think I, I am noticing that people are not as, as good at having, conversations yeah anymore young people these young people yeah they're not as good at having conversations well it's almost like

it's almost like a wall like have you ever have you flown recently I've noticed when I fly now yeah as soon as I sit down in my seat or someone sits beside me you immediately get on your phone yeah

because you know no someone's not going to talk to as before someone would be a hey how you doing where you're going oh my name's Ed I'm going to a conference but now it's like People get on their phones and it's like that invisible wall like, hey, don't talk to me.

I'm engaged in my phone here. I also think I'm concerned about what's going to do to the human race when everybody starts meeting each other on these social media dating apps, right? Really? Tell me why you're concerned about that. Well, because I think that people are meeting each other for the wrong reasons and you're not necessarily ending up with the person that you probably would have ended up with. with otherwise because there's pharomones. There are no pheromones on the internet. So you know when you have an instant connection

with somebody? I sense a new app. Yeah, pheromone. A pheromone app. Yeah, you smell, scratch and smell app. No, but keep going. I think I know where you're going with this. You know when you meet somebody and you have an instant connection. A chemical reaction. Yeah, because you smell them. You smell their pheromones. It's like, oh, this person's given off a scent. I want to

I want to make love to this woman. This woman's smells like mushroom soup or whatever. I want to make love to her. Not necessarily mushroom soup. Or whatever. Yeah. But sometimes.

Ceremon soup. Sometimes you don't even know it. You don't even, it's subconscious. You don't even know your skin cells go up into your nose and you get an erection. But on the computer, let's say you're on like, you know, whatever, like, you know, match.com or, you know, Christian mingle or one of these things. Christian Farmers, Mingle only. You know, like E-Harmony or Tinder or whatever these things. Com or whatever.

Yeah, grinder or one of these things. Well, no. So let's say you're on one of... Stump grinder. You're on one of these things. You're choosing the person based on just their looks and maybe a little what they say. Yeah, the blurb's meaningless because anyone could write anything. Oh, I love the sound of wind and trees and I love cinnamon toast.

So you don't get that... Normally you meet someone and then you have a conversation and the conversation goes well. And then they're laughing and back and forth. And you know within a minute whether or not the person is great and there's good chemistry there. Yeah, yeah. Whereas now you meet someone online. If you ever meet someone online, I don't know if you've ever done that. I've met a girl online once.

Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. And like, you know, you're sort of like, you know, you've got a date scheduled with somebody. Yeah. That you've not met yet. Right. And that's like 24 hours or a week in advance.

Yeah. So then you spend the whole week like trying to like prepare yourself to like, really like this person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're getting all excited about liking them. So you've got it in your head that you really like this person, but you haven't even met them yet. Yeah, right.

And then you get there, and then you start having a conversation. And if it doesn't go well right away, you sort of force it to go well. Yeah. Because, like, you know, you've built it up in your head that it's supposed to be great. And then you end up stuck with some bozo. And then you ruin your whole fucking life. I'm a WKR.

Well, what about lowering your expectations? Like if you go out on a social media date, you go out with like, ah, this will probably suck. I'll go out. It's a couple of hours out of my life. It's probably going to be crap.

Yeah. And then maybe they win you over. So that way you're not getting all worked up about it. I've decided that my resolution for 2015 is I'm going to, stay off of any sort of, like, social media app type. Like any dating stuff? Yeah, I just, I'm not going to pursue that as, like, I mean, you know, I'll admit, you know, like, you know, I went up with a girl that I met on Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And, uh, you know. And that's not even a dating app. That's like a social messaging app. So, you know, direct message to each other or whatever. Yeah. Okay. Fair enough. Like, what I'm saying is, like, I.

going to make an effort to get out of the house yeah and go to social places sure bars restaurants you know coffee shops yeah yeah yeah muffin shops yeah no like places where single people i'm a single guy you're single yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm single right i am single yeah yeah yeah i'm single you're single right well we used to go on like we used to go out to the night clubs in hollywood and every now and then we would we had a blast man you know talk to to talk to people people people and stuff. Yeah, yeah. I want to do that more.

Okay. Well, actually, I'm also going to go out by myself more. Oh, wait a minute. Yeah. And get into, like, get into, like, social environments by myself where I'm forced to talk to people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm alone. Oh, wow.

I did that the other day. I went down to Laurel Tavern. Okay. In Studio City. Yeah, yeah. California. Laurel Tavern. Yeah, and I went down there, and I got a beer.

by myself. Okay, okay. And sat at the bar. Sade up to the bar. Well, mozied up to the bar. Sat down. Hang on, let me put in the bar, bar sound effects here.

Okay, here we are. We're in the Laurel Tavern. There was a Clippers game on. Watching the ball game. And there was this girl that was sitting at the bar and she was wasted. Oh, perfect. See, you're in the zone.

Here come the four months. It's so annoying. Here comes the foremones. And then I left. She smells like damp beer. Yeah, it was pretty bad. But it was funny. And the bartender was laughing.

She was kind of attractive, and we were looking at each other and kind of laughing about how drunk this person was. And then I left, but it was fun. And I had a beer, and it was fun. But it sounds like it was a complete blowout. It was, but, you know, I'm going to try again. Couldn't you just have stayed on Match.com and met, like, 700 girls that weren't drunk? Yeah, but, you know, they didn't smell like mushroom soup. yeah oh you really don't know a woman to you sniff her mushroom soup oh yeah oh god

well hey no that's a good approach because next time you go maybe there'll be a pretty girl that's not hammered and you strike up a conversation i've been going i was in san francisco last weekend i was walking around with this periscope app and it was kind of fun you know you sort of have people watching sure online this live stream as you're walking around san But isn't that technically a social media thing? Yeah, no, but I wasn't meeting people in Periscope. I was walking around on the street, talking to people on the street. Yeah.

But I did feel like I had people with me because I was talking to the people on my phone. That seems a little artificial. Yeah, yeah. But what I'm saying is I'm spending a lot of time just wandering around strange cities by myself these days. With 3,000 of your online Periscope buddies. Yeah, but still. Are you really alone if you're with 3,000 people? No, no.

That's kind of like if the tree. falls in the forest and nobody's there it is. I mean, you've been, you've been touring for a long time, right? Yes. How many years have you been touring the world? Off and on like 25, 30 years. Yeah, 25, 30 years. So you not always, or how much of the percentage at that time have you traveled with someone else? Less than half the time? You usually go alone, right? Usually alone, yeah. Yeah, you had people travel with you at times, but mostly you're by yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you get good at, like, walking, I'm noticing, you know, I've been doing this for like five years now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm noticing that, like, I'm getting much better at just going out in a city by myself, going to a restaurant by myself, sitting down, and I end up ultimately meeting a lot of people, making new friends. I like that. Good, yeah. Yeah. But here's the question, how do you get in close enough to sniff their foremones or whatever they are? No, you can smell that stuff from, like, across the room. No way. Well, you don't actually smell it.

It's subconscious. I could sniff a girl's foremoans from like... Pharomones, pharomones from like 30 feet? Well, I think it's when to get up closer, yeah. So how close do you have to be to inhale to sniff her pheromones? No, no, that's far away. Just, you know... Like eight feet?

Yeah, I think so. I could sniff her pheromones at eight feet. I don't have an exact answer on that, but I know if you were having a conversation with somebody, all of your senses are at work. Your eyesight, your sight, your hearing, your smell. But pheromones is strictly for the nose, though, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So do you have to, like, kind of pretend, oh, excuse me, you dropped,

there's a little crumb on your sweater and you go in close and get right near your nose brushes or throat? I don't think there's like an identifiable scent. I think it's more something that, like, you subconsciously register. I thought it was like a chemical kind of sense. scent. Yeah, there is. But I don't think

it's something that you could could notice. Huh. We're constantly smelling these pheromones. Now, what if you smell? Like a dog relies on its sense

of smell more than its eyesight or its hearing. But dogs sniff each other's asses. Yeah, but they can almost like see a visual picture of things. They know how far away things are based on the smell. Hey,

your ass smells great. What are you doing tonight? Like, you know, when they, Your ass smells like mushroom soup. You know when a dog, you have a dog and the dog knows when you're getting home? Oh, yeah. They say that the reason, and I don't know who they are, but somebody told me this. Okay.

That the reason that your dog knows you're coming home is if you go to work at the same time every day and you come home at the same time every day. They know you're coming home, not based on the time, but based on your scent that is in the house like sort of slowly dissipates away throughout the day. And when it gets to a certain level of, you know, it's gone. Low, yeah. That's the time you normally come home. Oh, wow.

So it knows you're coming home based on how little of your scent is left in the house. That's interesting. So they're actually able to use their sense of smell to, like, figure out things like that. So it doesn't really rely on hearing the car door slamming in the driveway? Not really, no. It's more, it's more of the smell. More of the smell. Fascinating. Well, hey, I'm glad you're, I'm going to go out with you to say, well, you want to be alone, though.

No, no. Well, both are fine. I like being alone sometimes, though. Well, speaking of not being alone. Yeah, I don't like being alone all the time. I'm just saying I'm getting better at being alone. This is a very interesting thing about not being alone. If you could have sex, alone, anywhere. I've done that many times. You have, alone. Yeah, spent most of my. teenage years doing that. Oh, my God. Are you okay? Yeah, you know, hairy palms, but, you know,

you... Oh, oh, I see what you're saying. I'm talking about masturbation. Oh, my goodness. Ah, that is wild stuff. That is wild. That is wild. That is wild.

What's the blob song? This is the story of the Bubba Puppah. Babba Papa, Baba, ba'abababababababababoo. Babalababababababal. Something like that. Anyways, and then the blob. And then the blob.

The blob appears If you could have sex If you could have sex anywhere in the world Where would it be And why? Anywhere on planet Earth? I would say on an inflatable mattress On the top of the pyramids in Giza

Wow! Wow, why? Hell, I'd have a nice temperate if I could get it up there. I just figured the inflatable would be easier to get up there. So you're talking about having sex on an angle? Well, no, on the very top,

I'm sure there's a flat area. On the top of the pyramids? Yeah, like the... Oh, it's a point, Tom. Well, it's not a sharp point. Well, if you laid a tempripetic mattress on it, you wouldn't feel it. No, from a distance, it looks like a sharp point,

but I think the block at the top's got kind of flat. Yeah, yeah. Okay, if you got the tempropedic up there, I think it could be okay. That's a great spot. The top of the pyramid. Daytime or night? nighttime because I don't want those of the Egyptian police to come and arrest us

That's beautiful starlit sky Top of the pyramid People chanting in the background Top of the great pyramid Yeah I would love to have sex up on the top of the pyramid Do you want to make the sexual noises will I do the like the I don't know

Let's just do the burping muffin thing Just a couple of grunts. I feel a little uncomfortable doing that. I'm trying to set the mood for you. I don't know. Just one, one grunt. Yeah, yeah. Like that, baby.

How's that? Wow. Not the best lover I've ever heard, but hey. No, I mean, you know, it's just you and me here in a room. Yeah, that's true. get a bit awkward. I feel a little awkward about it. But at least, I think you picked a great spot, dude.

Okay, good. Wow, on top of the pyramids at night on a tempropedic. Yeah, I would say even like, I mean, I think that's hot. I think, though, to answer your question, like, it's interesting because if you would ask, if you would ask, where would I like to be on the, if I could snap my fingers and just be there without the woman and the sex, I'd probably say the same place. Oh, really? you really do want to be alone.

No, I just think it'd be cool to be. I've always wanted to see the pyramids. You've seen the pyramids. I was blessed. I went to the pyramids, and there's three of them. There's the three main ones in Egypt. There's two small ones, and then there's the great big one. Yeah.

And I don't know what happened. I don't know how the stars aligned. I was there with my cousin Kevin, and we're there in the middle of the day, tourists everywhere. And we go up to the guy, and you can go into the pyramid. Yeah. You can go right. There's a little, like a tunnel, a little square tunnel where you pretty much have to hunch over. It's about three feet high.

And it's really long because it starts at the exterior of the pyramid and goes right to the center where the crypt is. There's a crypt in the middle. So me and my cousin, Kevin, walk up and we say, can we go into the pyramid? And the guy goes, yes, you can go in, you can go in. And there were tourists all around. And for whatever reason, nobody ever, I don't know if everyone went to the pyramid. the cafeteria or what but no cafeteria in the pyramid not in the pyramid but you know they sell pointy food i was just kidding um so we we took this tunnel we crouched in it's boiling hot

yeah i bet and it drops out into this big catacomb in the middle of the pyramid it's like a tomb and it's like i don't know it's like like 40 feet high and it's a big room and it's cool there yeah and me and my cousin kevin got to sit in the middle of the biggest pyramid for for about 25 minutes alone. Why? We can't understand it. For some reason, no other tourists came down that tunnel.

We just got lucky. And for 25 minutes... You think maybe you discovered a secret tunnel that nobody's discovered yet? No, this was the main... Because there's a guard at the entrance of it, but for whatever reason, I guess it was just timing,

and we just got to sit there in the quiet and absorb... And believe me, the pyramids are very mystical. There's an energy, you know? People always say there's a real energy there. It must be. And it was a fascinating moment. And me and my cousin just sat there and absorbed the silence

and you can feel the deep, deep history and the mysticism. And it was a beautiful moment. Wow. See, I'm jealous. Yeah. I want to do that. But even, I got to tell you, even to be on the outside of the pyramids, walking around them, it's very mystical. So it was not a disappointment.

Loved it. Loved it. Yeah. You hear about those Russian kids that walk to the top of it, like illegally? Oh, really? And then they took a bunch of pictures and then they came down, did not get caught, went back to Russia and posted all their photos on, like, you know, social media and YouTube and stuff. They literally climbed to the top of it. Yeah, well, they used to let people do it all the time.

They did? Oh, yeah, it wasn't a big thing. When? Oh, recently. They do that, like, they do that in Mexico with the Mexican pyramids. Yeah, you can actually. get up on the lower layers of the pyramids. I don't think

you're allowed to climb to the top anymore, but I think there might be guided tours that you can climb up to the top with a guide. Yeah, I don't think it's forbidden, but I could be, it might be now. Okay. But yeah, because it's not like the pyramids just like a

straight slope. It's like brick, so it's almost like walking upstairs. When you're there looking at the pyramids, are you thinking, oh, This is just completely impossible that human beings could have built this 4,000 years ago or whatever it was. This had to have been some supernatural alien assistance. Some aliens came down with special technology, and they somehow were able to cut these giant rocks.

I mean, how would anybody have done this without, you know, didn't they cut like giant rocks that are like giant? Yeah, they're huge. Huge slabs. How, and doesn't science has no explanation for how they possibly did it? Or are you just like, ah, no, they just did it. You know, I think there was a bit of all of that. And that's what makes them so fascinating, because you've got, you've got this, this sense of the enormity of these structures, the symbolism of these structures, why did they build them? How did they build them?

How did they possibly build them so accurately? And not only are they built, but they're all in a certain spot. a certain direction in proximity to where the sun and the stars set in the sky at certain times of year. There's a whole type of like... Like how would they have known all that shit? I know. It's amazing. They weren't aliens.

And then what's really mystical is when you throw in the sphinx, the statue of the sphinx, it is just a mind-blower. When you look at that and then you look at the pyramids behind it, that's what I loved about it. I said it was mystical. The pyramids really fill your head. At least it did for me. It really filled my head with all these questions and these ambiguous things. And it was, it was just really perplexing and interesting and deep all at the same time. Okay, what about the, you've been to the Taj Mahal. Yes, Taj Mahal. You've been to the Great Wall of China. I haven't been to the Great Wall. Oh, you haven't. No, no. I've been to Easter Island. Those are equally very

mystical. So what do you think? Taj Mahal or pyramids? Pyramids. Better? Because the pyramids have an aura of mystery to them. The Taj Mahal just looks like a Benihana or something like that. Well, the Taj Mahal was built by a king as a tomb for his wife. Yeah. It's just a giant marble palace. It's what's really... It's like a Vegas casino. It's stunning, but what's what's really funny about or tragic about Taj Mahal is it's this

elaborate posh architectural structure that probably cost you know who knows how much it cost in terms of blood sweat and tears and money and it's plopped right in the middle of a city that's surrounded by destitute people where you literally see

dogs and children eating out of a ditch yeah but behind these walls covered in orange rinds and maculate coffee grines coffee guys. Stinking like mushroom soup and doing muffin farts over the wall. But behind the wall of the Taj Mahal is this incredible marble palace. And it's just weird that you've got this dichotomy,

but this juxtaposition between people living in extreme poverty and this giant structure built as a tomb to it as a testament to a guy's love. It's fascinating. So when you're in Egypt at the pyramids, right? after you go look at the pyramids right yeah you just go walk around Egypt yeah you can walk around like like just like people are walking around there's people but it's crazy like malls and stuff it's a little more chaotic than the Starbucks there I don't I don't remember a Starbucks Kentucky fried chicken probably somewhere so it's sort of modern and everything's cool I think it was

not really no the it's very uh it's very old that the apartment buildings are very old The street traffic is weird People look at you funny Because they think you're American A little bit, yeah People definitely recognize you're a visitor Yeah They're used to it though

A lot of tourists there probably A lot of tourists Less since the Arab Spring I think Yeah probably Yeah that was pretty traumatic So it's it's you know Cities are cities But the pyramids are really special

You know it's like get out and see them Do you ever want to sneak out To the desert in the middle of the night and start digging in the sand dune and try to discover some Indiana Jones kind of temple on your own? I would love it. Yeah, I've always wanted to do that.

Yeah. Because they're always discovering new shit over there. Oh, yeah. And in like Cambodia, they say there's areas of the jungle that they haven't even exposed. They see there's thousands of temples. Yeah. Guatemala.

They say there's whole subterranean cities and things buried under the fun. I want to go discover an undiscovered city in Guatemala in the jungle. and go find a bunch of gold. You want to go do that? Wow. We could have our own reality show on Discovery Channel.

Guatemala Gold. Guatemala Gold with Harland and Tom. Speaking of... Hillary Clinton. Hillary, God. Keep it positive. Where would you want your ashes to be spread? We know where you'd want to have sex.

But when your day comes, we all have to go. The top of the pyramid. No, I'll come up with something else. Ooh, wow. So sex and ashes. Yeah. Where would you want your ashes to be spread when that day comes away away off? Is this assuming that I'm being cremated?

Yeah. Or, you know. You want to be cremated? I don't know. I don't think so. You want to be buried? I don't think so. I want to, when my time comes, I hope I'm aware of it.

Yeah. And I want to give myself back to nature. So I would rather wander into the woods or just float away into the ocean and let the fish consume me. So when you're like 97 years old, you're just going to go for a swim? Swim or a hike. Yeah. Really? Yeah.

And not be found? I'd prefer that. Wow. I wouldn't want all the hoopla. I wouldn't want people to have to deal with my death. And I'd like to give my, I like to think of myself as a child of the universe of the planet. That's what you're going to do. And I would like to just, I would just like to be absorbed back into the world.

Don't you think your friends and family might like be robbed of the grieving process? Exactly. You want to rob them of that. No, I think you just said it, the grieving process. Why do they, why do I want them to grieve? Well, I think that isn't that a way of healing? No, it's a way for funeral parlors to make money and people to stand around and go, I'm still alive. That's sucker die.

How do you know, how do you know when it's time, though? to do that. Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm hopefully like half my body goes paralyzed or I feel like a heart murmur. You're hard to walk off in the woods if you're half paralyzed. I know. It'd be a long walk. I'd probably have to hop off into the woods. Might be walking in circles. Yeah, I might not make it.

I might keep hitting a tree. I'd walk around a giant redwood until I collapsed from exhaustion. But at least I'd be in the forest. Yeah. Okay. I like that idea. So, you know, the idea of we've got it in our heads. Our whole lives are choreographed.

the moment we're born, we're given a number and a social security card and a birth certificate. And everything's filed into the system. Yeah. And same thing goes on through our whole life. And then when we die, we're given a plot and a number and a gravesite and the funeral home takes care of us. And everyone files in and looks at our dead body and cries and say he was a really nice guy. Boom, they closed the lid and you're gone. Yeah.

You want an unconventional death as you've lived. and unconventional life. I don't want to be part of the filing system. Yeah. I want to be absorbed back. I think of myself as a product of the organic world. So you're not going to be cremated, so you're not going to have your ashes spread anywhere.

You're going to just walk off into the woods and get eaten by coyotes and rabbits. I'd like that. I'd like to be one of those guys where, like, 80 years later, someone's hiking, and they see, oh, is that a skeleton leaning against that tree? with a corn cob pipe in its mouth and a blueberry muffin

with orange rinds and coffee grinds on it? It smells like mushroom soup. And that's me. Just leaning up and like Huck Finn. Yeah, like Huck Finn. Yeah. Permanent Huck Finn.

In the middle of like the, what, where would you do this? Northern Ontario. I don't know. It depends. Up near Kappas casing somewhere. It might be Northern Ontario. It might be a giant redwood forest in California.

I might float out into the water and maybe have a shark eat me and let the shark spread my ashes so to speak with a shark shite yeah you know he could just fart me out over a coral reef you know yeah yeah imagine that a hammerhead shark yeah spreading my remains over a beautiful reef with colorful fish and electric eels i mean what does a hammerhead shark fart even look like just it looks like harland right boom there i and the Bermuda Triangle floating around. I would actually consider that being an interesting way to go. How do you want to go?

I mean, that's what I said. Where do you want to have your ashes spread? I think what would be interesting is you might find sort of a renewed passion to live. Like you walk out in the woods, you bring a shotgun, you bring a bag of potatoes or something with you, right? Yeah. You know, some lighter fluid and matches and a sleeping bag. You try to see how long you can live out there, right?

And then you might get good at living out there You're 97 years old You build yourself a little log cabin Well, I'm sure that's great But I'm talking when you kind of know your time's coming When you're terminally sick or you know You know, I'm not saying walk out there When you're healthy and just lean against a tree

So what happens then if you were to like die In some sort of unexpected fashion Like in a hotel room or something? Yeah, or just like you hit by a fucking bus or something like that I'd be bummed because, you know... You wouldn't be able to choose what happened to your ashes. I wouldn't. And then, you know...

So where would you like... What would you like happen to your bus mangled, coffee grind, orange rind covered carcass? I guess I'd love to be taxidermied and propped up in your living room. Yeah? So you never forget your old buddy. Careful. This is recorded.

Yeah, I don't care. We could... We could use this in a court of law when I'm taking you down to the taxidermist. I want you to come in your door at the end of the day and hang your coat on my head. Or you could stuff me with my fingers out, so I'm like a coat rack. Yeah. And you can put your hang your coat on one hand and your umbrella on my other hand. Yeah.

And there I am. Yeah. Well, I don't know if you really want that, though. Well, yeah, if I get killed unexpectedly, I guess I don't have a choice. Somebody's going to put me as part of the system. So then would you like your ashes sprinkled in the wood? I guess so, yeah Or would you just like to say

Drag my body out there Prop me up against a tree And shove a corn cob pipe in my mouth You know what'd be neat I guess if I had to be cremated And this is weird And I don't know if I could do it If you asked me to do this

I would probably Ask someone to Roll a reefer Some weed Yeah And sprinkle in a little bit of my ashes Yeah. Into the marijuana.

And smoke you. So that people smoke me and get high and they ingest me. That'd probably be pretty good high. I'd think that'd be pretty cool to get right inside your friends. Yeah. Oh my God, yeah. That could be interesting. I'd smoke your ashes.

Would you really? Like, let's say this is for real. Yeah. And would you really like inhale my dead, like, skin or whatever ashes? Absolutely, yeah. It's all burnt. It's fine. Really?

Yeah. I'd smoke some of your dead skin right now. Wait, what do I have rigormortus or something? What dead skin? I just like file your nails or something like that. Give me some of your, you know, beard trimmings or something like that. God, you're lucky out of, what's that thing, the scoliosis? Yeah, what's it, psoriasis?

I just peel off a pepper. You scratch off some of your psoriasis, squeeze a few zits into a, into a, no, maybe I wouldn't smoke that. I would, if you wanted me in your will to smoke a little Tom Green, I would. Oh, some Tom Green. That's kind of like maybe a new thing we should start. Yeah. You smoke. Smoke your friends.

Smoke your friends. Yeah, get high and your friends. Because not only are you, you're with them, you're ingesting them. Nothing gets more personal. Yeah. And suddenly you're high and you're all telling stories. It's not like gross, like eating them. It's not all cannibalistic.

And you just put a little bit in. You're not making like, so. Yeah. All right. Well, we covered a lot of ground here. It's a good idea, though. I think we got to finish the show with a game that we always play with our guests. It's real easy.

I think you've played it before, Tom. It's called Too Soon or Not Too Soon? Okay. And there's four questions. I read them to you, and you have to answer. You know how people go, oh, too soon. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. So is it too soon or not too soon?

Okay. Okay? Yep. So we'll end the show with this game. Yeah. And are you ready for question one? Yeah. On too soon or not too soon?

Yes. Okay, here we go. Too soon or not too soon? ISIS digs up graves of nine dead presidents, makes an exylophone out of their bones, and then performs free jazz. festival in Central Park. Too soon or not too soon? Oh, too soon.

Correct? Yeah, correct. Too soon. Okay, you're one for one. Question two. The grown-up children of the Brady Bunch all fart in a bottle and throw it in the sea, knowing it will kill whoever finds it when they open it and sniff the rancid Brady Bunch kids fart inside.

Too soon or not. too soon. Not too soon. Oh, oh, no. No? Too soon. Oh, really? Yeah. I was ready for that one. Yeah, no, you didn't get that one. Okay, all right.

Here, you got two more, though. All right. Number three, Hillary Clinton pulls off her wig and reveals she has a caesarian scar across the top of her bald head. Too soon or not too soon? Hillary Clinton pulls off her wig and reveals she has a caesarian scar on top of her bald head. I would say that's not too soon. Wrong.

Really? Tom, that's too soon. Are they all too soon? Well, you got the first one right, didn't you? Yeah, okay. All right, all right. You got one more. Yeah.

Here we go, the last one. The whole cast of... I'm just saying if she did that, I would be happy. Well, that would be a great news story. I know, but that's... I would be riveted by that. I know, but it's the name. It doesn't matter.

It's the game. Okay, all right. Here's the last one. All you can do is tie. It's not subjective in any way? No. Like Hillary Clinton, removing her wig and revealing that she's a cesarian scar on the top of her bald head. Yeah.

Couldn't that be too soon for one person, but not nearly soon enough for someone else? Tom, the official answer is... Too soon. Too soon. Okay. All right. All right. Okay. Last one. Here we go. I'm not very good at this game. Well, you've got one.

You might tie it with this one. The whole cast of Sesame Street gang bang the care bears and barbbar the elephant without using condoms. That's too soon. Correct. Too soon. Oh, nice. Too soon. Too soon.

Yeah. You got it. Two for two. Well, two out of four. Sesame Street They gang bang the carib bears and bar bar bar the elephant Without using a condom

Yeah no that's too soon Too soon Too soon Well Tom Yeah that was a good game We had a great visit with you here On the late night podcast It's fun to do it late at night

It is nice at night It's nice and calm I like the lighting here at night Lighting I don't know But I don't know that I've ever been In this room at night In our studio on the 12th floor

Yeah Yeah, well, it's, you know, we have very few guests come into the studio this late. You're part of a very select group, Tom. Yeah, that's cool. We'll have to do it again soon. I love that they give you the run of this place, too, huh? Isn't it nice? Well, we have my boss, Mr. Featherstone's up on the 12th floor.

Yeah. And the only other person in the building right now is Rosa Louisa, the cleaning lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's always kind of coming on to me. So, yeah, we come here at night. It's pretty quiet. Yeah. So, it's great.

Thanks for dropping by, buddy. Yeah, we should have a party down here sometime. We will. Some night we'll sneak in here. We'll have a little party. Yeah. Before we go, Tom, is there anything we can mention or plug that, you know, get people to your social media sites? Yeah, absolutely.

Any of your projects you'd like to mention? Well, I'm on tour, doing stand-up. Nice. I'm off to Lexington, Kentucky. I'm going to Memphis. I'm going to St. Louis. Wow. Get all the tour dates on Tom.

Tom green.com. Tom Green. So just go click on tour at the top of the page and it'll tell you where I'm going to be. And are there links to pit buy tickets on your page? I believe so. I believe there are links, yeah. Great. Tom Green.

Do a lot of stand up, loving that. And then you know the WebOvision. I'm building the WebOvision studio. You were the one of the first, the first person to christen the new Webbovision studio. Oh, yeah. We did that a few weeks ago. So it's much improved now. You've got to come back.

If you go to Tomgreen.com, you can watch a, this WebOvision show, which is a web talk show. It's awesome. And we just streamed yesterday live to YouTube for the first time. And it's a great show because people can call in. You can call in on Skype and stuff like that and actually talk to Tom live on the air. Yep, absolutely. I'm having so much fun with it.

Good, good. And then I'm on Periscope now. Yes. So that's fun. I'm going to get on it thanks to Tom. He introduced me to that. Yeah. I'll be on that soon.

Get on it. You're going to love, everyone's going to love you on Periscope. That'll be fun. I'm looking forward to. So that's basically what I plan on doing for the next, you know, six months or so. Good, good. Stand up and WebOVision. You got to see Tom do stand up.

A lot of you know him from his movies, from his TV shows. And Tom, you know, relatively speaking, is fairly new to the stand-up game. You've been doing about five years. Yeah, as far as touring and everything, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And Tom is just grown in leaps and bounds. Every time I see him, he's like better and better. So please go to tomgreen.com.

and check out his site and find out if he's coming to a town or city near you and go see him, man. I promise you, he's going to crack your ass up. Thank you, Harland. Hey, you're welcome. That means a lot coming from you. Absolutely. I think the reason why I do it is because of you.

Well, I was a 15-year-old kid doing amateur night at yuck-yucks. In Ottawa. Yeah. And you showed up on Saturday for the comedian, young comedians amateur night workshop. And there we were. You go it up in your fur coat. Me and my friend Phil asked if we could take you out for a submarine sandwich. Good old belly busters.

28 years ago. Wow. Wow. Amazing. Now we're here. Now we're here. We're here. On the 12th floor in Los Angeles.

Two little kids from Canada would make our way to Hollywood, do good in the city of lights. Yep. And here we are having a late night podcast, having a blast. Tom, it was great to have you here. buddy. Thank you. And should we end the show with the WKRP as we go out? Yes, absolutely, yes. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, you've been listening to Tom Green and Harland Williams

on the Harland Highway right here at WKRP in Cincinnati. Muffin burp. Night, Tom. Good night, Jerry. Wondered whatever became of me. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And in Cincinnati.

Love it. Cincinnati, WKRP. I'm a WKRP in Cincinnati. Yeah. Well, how about that? My thanks to Tom Green, Tom, Zachary Green, Not really his middle name. Not really, Zachary.

But it sounds good. Great time hanging with Tom up here on the 12th floor in the Harland Highway podcast studios. And I hope you enjoyed that little interview get together with Tom and I. And we'll do it again sometime. If you had a good time, let me know.

323-739-4-3-3-0. That's the number. If you want to leave any comments or have any questions, if you want to hear more of me and Tom, chewing the fat, or you want us to completely eliminate Tom and put them in a dumpster covered with mushroom soup. But great time.

Thanks, Tom. And let's do some announcements real quick. Next week in San Diego, I will be at the American Comedy Co. It'll be really cool Great comedy club down there That's May 21st through the 24th Going to be a blast

So come and check that action out And let's see what's going on in June Anything cool happening in June Well look at that I'd be in Ontario, California At the Improv June 11th through the 14 And then I'll be at the improv in Houston, June 18th to the 21st. So some really cool clubs coming up.

Check that out. Go to Harlow Williams.com. Check out my stand-up comedy touring schedule. All the links are there. You can buy your tickets right at the site. Reserve your seats. Also visit our store while you're there. There's all kinds of fun merchandise for sale, crazy t-shirts and CDs, books.

downloads all kinds of cool stuff and please join my YouTube page there's a subscription button at the bottom just click it it's free no commitments just any time I put up a goofy new video you get to see it before everyone else and it's just to give you a laugh put a smile on your face

oh and before I go also I want to mention FYI that I did join Periscope I downloaded the app that we talked about at the beginning of the show. And I'm not sure how you follow me because I just did it. It's new to me. I don't really know how it works yet. But I think maybe you follow it by following my Twitter account, which is at Harland Williams. Or maybe not.

I don't know. But I am on Periscope officially. if you know how to follow people on Periscope, I am now officially there. So hope to see you on yet another fun social app. And, uh, yehaw. And, uh, that's it. So there you go. Once again, thanks to Tom Green.

Thanks to you guys for being here and listening at the Harland Highway podcast. Please tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway podcast. And, uh, until next time. Chicken. Chalmy, baby.