The Harland Highway - 674 - Harland bids farwell to DAVID LETTERMAN. Also, a session with Dr. Ascot.

Episode Date: May 18, 2015

Harland reflects on his time spent with David Letterman as well as David's legacy. Dr. Ascot drops in and has a painful treatment for Harland's stress levels. Sressy wessy!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a show, what a show. What a little bit of a sad show today. Good golly. David Letterman, as you know, is retiring this week. On Wednesday, he will retire. May 20th will be his final show. And one of the pavement pounders very fittingly called in and asked me what I thought about David Letterman, his journey, my journey with David Letterman.

and so I'm going to spend the back end of the show kind of revisiting those moments in my life and it should be fun. It should be sentimental to say the least, probably a bit sad, but also a celebration of a very talented man that probably made all of us smile or laugh at one point in our life. Also on the show, well, I guess you get the good and the bad all the time, But my on-air therapist, Dr. Ascot, drops in unexpectedly and puts me through one of his stupid therapy sessions. And this might be one of the most painful therapy sessions I've ever been through. And I'm not talking mentally or psychologically. The thing this idiot makes me do in this one is probably worthy of a lawsuit.

So let's get it gone. This is the Harland. Highway Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you I will please you all

believe me What is he like What's he going Anyway He's an angel He's an angel Start from nothing You're gonna need a pig of pose

You're listening to Harland Williams Why don't you give me a name And a face And a reason why Your Man What do you expect The guy A Cigolo man

It's over, Johnny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird.

You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money's worth. Believe me. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Hey, welcome, everybody, to the Harland Highway. I want to give a shout out to Buffalo. I did stand up for the first time ever in Buffalo, New York. Great crowds, great club, just had a blast. I wanted to thank everyone who came out to catch me in Buffalo just recently. And I posed a question to the crowd out there. I would start the show and ask the crowd, I'd say, does anyone know if Mark Ruffalo lives in Buffalo?

And nobody really knew except this one girl named Sally who sold seashells down by the seashore. And, you know, no, really, I'm just kidding. Oh, my God. What? Hello, Holland. Oh, God. What are you doing?

or Dr. Ascot. Oh, Well, what are you doing here? I didn't invite you in here. Holland. Stop. Are you going to just say my name over and over like you always do? Holland.

Stop, stop it. I'm not going to, you don't do it one more time. Holland. Stop. What do you want? Arland, you know I'm your therapist, your on-air therapist, Arland. Yes, I know you are. But why are you here?

I'm fine. Arland, are you fine? Yes. Arlund. Okay, maybe I'm a little antsy. I thought so, Arland, I could tell when I said your name. No, I always get antsy when you say my name, because you say, Say it over and over, and you drag it out.

Holland. And why, can I ask why you're wearing a purple and polka-odded scarf? Holland. You know what? I don't even want to know. Holland. Stop it. So I'm a little antsy. I can tell, Holland, listen to you.

You're riding up and down like a Norwegian roller-cote. I'm riding up and down like a Norwegian roller coaster. Up and down, Holland. You're very, very agitated. And you don't think your presence has anything to do with it, Ascot. Holland. So what do we do about it? Holland, at your age and midlife, your testosterone is all over the map.

It's very common for men in your age group. No, meaning? Meaning your sperm cells have a biological clock, Arland. What? That's right. It's not just the human spirit that has a biological clock, Holland. The actual sperm cells inside your testicles have a need to procreate. That's why they exist, Arland.

Okay, that sounds a little far-fetched. Is it, Holland? All right, so what do we do about it? All and what we need to do is simply eliminate some of your sperm cells in your testicles, and that should calm you right down. Wait, how? Do you want to eliminate the sperm cells in my... Not all of them, Holland, just some. Okay, how do we do this?

Holland, what I want to do is slam your testicles in the microwave oven. What? What did you just say? I need to put your bag in a microwave oven, Arland. You want to put my testicles in a microwave oven? To kill the extra sperm cells, it will help stop your anxiety, Arland. No way in hell. That's not even ethical, it's not even safe.

You out of your mind, Ascot? Holland, would you like to be fired? What do you mean fired? You know, I hold a pink slip if you don't go along with my therapy treatments. You've got to be... Holland, if you'll just step this way towards the cafeteria. No, I... Oh, God.

How long is this going to take? Not very long, Arland. We'll put the microwave on for 30 seconds and fry your nuts. bag. Okay. I don't want to be fired. Exactly, Arland. Here we go. Just step into the cafeteria here, Arland. Okay, stop the white. What color shoes are those? They're lemon meringue loafers, Arland. Lemon meringue loafers. Holland. I don't want to know where you hang out at night, Ascot. Holland, I can be found having after-hour drinks at the olive oil garlic bread.

I don't even want to know. But I just told you, Arland. Can we get this over with? Yes, Arland. Let me set the microwave for 30 seconds. Oh, God. Does it take that long? Arland.

Good Lord. Holland, if you'll just get down to your briefs and rest your testicles inside this micro. Oh, God, do you have to watch? Arland, I'm your doctor. I've seen many testicles before. Yeah, I bet you have. Holland. Okay, I'm putting them in the microwave.

Now I'm going to close the door, Holland. It might pinch a little bit. Okay, do it slowly. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Are you all right, Holland? I guess so. Ow! Did you have to slam it hard at the end like that?

Arland, let me just set the timer. Are you already, Arland, have your testicles microwaved? I can't believe that sentence even exists. Holland. Yes, let's get it over with. Here we go, Arland. Three, two, one. Okay.

So far, so good. It's getting a little warm. getting a little Ow, okay, it's starting to burn just a little bit Ah, ah, okay You're almost done, Allent, hang on Okay, oh

Ah, it's a little, oh, okay, okay It's starting to heat up, it's starting to heat up Ow, ow, ow, ow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, whoa, oh, wow, excellent, excellent. Open the door, please open the door There you go, Allent. Oh, my God. They're steaming. Holland, they've been in the microwave.

My God, they're steaming, and they're red as all Santa Claus's... This can't be right. You're absolutely correct, Holland. What do you mean? Well, your testicles are fire red engine pig, Colin. Yeah? Well, that means I didn't leave them in long enough, Holland. I'm going to have to give them another 25 cents.

Oh, my God. What color do they need to be? Pitch black, Holland. You want me to have pitch black testicles? You will have black balls at the end of this therapy session, Holland. Oh, my God. Now put them back in the microwave, Holland. Oh, my God, they hurt, they hurt. Holland, put them in. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Now, Holland, since it's getting close to lunchtime. Yes. Would you be all right if I put my lasagna? you in there with your nuts. Excuse me? Well, I'm going to eat lunch after our therapy session, and I'd like to heat up this lasagna while your nuts are cooking. Are you kidding me?

No, don't put that in that. What are you doing? No! No, no, no. Ah! Oh, oh. Hang on, Holland, just a little longer. Ah.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, it stings, it burns. It stinks and burns. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on, Arland. Ah, ha, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. Excellent, Arland, excellent. Oh, my God.

What's the matter, Harland? My testicles are completely black. Oh,land. What's that red stuff? It looks like I've got tomato paste on your black balls, Arland. Oh, it burns. Holland, if you don't mind, I'm going to go eat my lunch now. Wait a minute.

Don't you have to check my... No, Arland, you're on your own. I gotta get some water. Ow, I'm gonna go get some water. Oh, this lasagna taste delicious, Holland. Would you like some? No, I don't want your lasagna. God, I gotta go.

Holland. I gotta go. Bye. Oh, I can barely walk. Ow. How it burns. Ow. Oh.

Oh. Oh. delicious lasagna. Oh my, oh my goodness. There's some hairs in here. Oh my God. Oh my goodness. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hello? Hello?

Hi, Harland. I had a question. I wondered if you had been on the Letterman show. I've watched him on and off for years. I think vaguely I might remember you, having sat there. I know he's got a relationship with Conan, and I've done that more often. But since Dave is winding down,

And probably the next two weeks, I think he's done for good. I would love to hear if you've had appearances and what that experience was like for you. So just a thought in the upcoming podcast. If you did do the big show at the Sullivan Theater, I think all your listeners would probably like to hear, you know, how it went, what you thought of it, and you might want to expound upon it, just talking a little bit about Mr. Dave Letterman. Anyway, just a thought.

I hope you're good. I really love your show. Cracks me up every time I listen. Have a good day. Bye. Well, there's an excellent question, and yeah, this is the week. This is the week that Dave hangs it up. In fact, on Wednesday, this Wednesday, two days from now, the 20th of May,

David Letterman, a guy that I've been watching since I was a kid in college, stops doing his show. And it's a great time. Your question is great timing. I just finished writing a letter to Dave. I'll get into that later on. But yes, I was on the Letterman show. I think it was six times, maybe seven.

I can't remember. I know one time I was asked and I turned it down. I didn't go. But yeah, man, I had an amazing time with David Letterman. Letterman, let me give you a bit of the backstory. You know, when I got into stand-up comedy, Letterman was the guy. I mean, Johnny Carson was the guy, but then when I got into college, Letterman was on TV, and we would watch him late night, and he was the guy. And then when he moved into prime time, not prime time, but when he moved into the earlier time slot on CBS, it's like his was the show to be on.

All the comedians, all the stand-ups wanted to be on the Dave Letterman show. It used to be the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson But when Johnny left, they put Jay in And even though I did the Tonight Show with Jay More than I did with Dave, I must have done the Tonight Show 20 times, I think, or more You know, Jay Jay was a real great guy to me

Jay, you know, had me on the show and was amazing But if I'm being honest In the comedy circuit in the circle of stand-up comedians, Dave was the guy that everyone worshipped. I think all the stand-ups felt that Dave was edgier and more original and just, you know, he kind of set the bar, whereas Jay was more kind of the mainstream kind of every man's guy.

Letterman was just the, he was the man. I can't describe it, but every comic's dream. was to be on the Letterman show, including mine. And when I started in comedy, that was my goal. I was like, I want to get on the David Letterman show. And once I do that, anything that happens after that is just gravy. That's the way I felt, because I thought that the Letterman show was the pinnacle. That was my target.

And I thought, if I get into movies or TV or anything else, it'll just be gravy, you know. I mean, secretly, I hope to do all that other stuff. But I always thought if I could do Letterman and then I died, I will have accomplished my goal. And so to go back and do Letterman a number of times, five or six times, maybe seven, I can't remember them all. It was just an honor. It was a mindblower. And so the very first time I did Letterman, it was. was incredible. I was put on a showcase in Hollywood. I'll give you a bit of the road to my

Letterman appearance. I was put on a showcase at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood. And back in those days, there wasn't a lot of outlets for stand-up comedians. There was three TV stations, big TV stations, and it was the Tonight Show and Letterman. And that was it. And if you got on one of those, it meant a lot back then. Nowadays, sadly, it means almost Jack. because there's so much content, you know, in television now and online, it almost, it doesn't even get a blip on the radar now to do those shows, which is sad. They're still fun to do, but they don't stand for much. I mean, they're personal accomplishments, but they don't pop, you know, in the entertainment world the way they used to.

And I was fortunate to be in a time when it really mattered. not just to me personally, but it mattered in the industry to be on those types of shows. So I was asked to do a late-night audition showcase at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood, California, on the sunset strip, and it was packed, man. I mean, it was packed. I was kind of the new guy in town. No one really knew me. And I had to go up last because I was kind of the...

low guy in the pecking order, right? And so they put on a showcase, and the Letterman producers were there. The club was packed to the gills. The Letterman and his producers and the whole team were sitting in this special reserved booth. And I had to follow Chris Rock. I had to follow Larry Miller. I had to follow Damon Waynes. I mean, it was just the...

the lineup of guys, the A-list guys that were on this showcase, it was beyond intimidating. Because remember, I was kind of new in town. I'd come down from Toronto, and it was wild. So I was on after, I think there must have been 12 or 15 of us, and it was all the best of the best. And I was just kind of like, wow, how am I going to do this? And as I watched, I noticed that a lot of the guys, even Chris Rock, and people like that were a little nervous.

They were a little uptight because they were, you know, everyone wanted to be on Letterman. And I watched and I watched and I went, nah, these guys aren't as loose as I can, you know, when you're a comic, you can see stuff. You know. And I could just tell a lot of these guys were amped up and edgy and they wanted it so bad. and I thought, man, I'm the last guy. Nobody knows me. I'm just going to go up and be as loose as can be. I'm just going to have fun.

I'm going to do my stuff. And so I go up at the very end, and, you know, you'd think the crowd would be worn out after all the people they saw. But I have to say, I'm being honest, none of them really did all that great. None of them killed it, you know? They did okay, but nobody blew the doors off. and so I was just like what have I got to lose

so I go up there and I'm just loose and I'm ripping through my material and I got them right out of the gate with my first joke and I got to say that I don't like to say this because it sounds pompous but I really did rip it I really ripped it man

I can still remember it because it was such an important night and the crowd just stepped up to the plate for me and I had a smasher set A killer, killer set. And I could feel it while it was happening. And the energy coming from me and the energy coming from the crowd was just like, boom. So I closed it out huge.

And they said, boom, Harlan, you got it. We want you on Letterman. And I was like, I was so happy. It was so proud because, you know, when you do stand-up, you're alone up there. All you've got is you and the material you wrote and your attitude and your energy. and there's no one there to give you a helping hand. It's all you, man. It's all you on your own.

You know, you can't have a manager or an agent go, come on, put him on, he's really funny. It's like, no, these guys, they take you off of what they see. And that night, thank you, God, I'm looking up to the heavens right now. All the stars came into alignment, and I just crushed it, and I got the call. I got the call to go do Letterman. So off I go a few months later.

And, you know, I've probably told this story to other people before. I don't know if I've told it on my show, but, you know, I always wanted to be silly. I wanted to feel silly. I wanted to feel funny. I felt in order to be successful on the late show with David Letterman, I had to be in a frame of mind that made me feel. silly because when I feel silly I feel funny and I thought if I just walk out there cold and you know they like you to dress up there and I don't normally like to dress up so I had to go out and buy a blazer we had to go out that night in New York and and you know we couldn't find

a blazer and my manager bought me an $800 blazer God bless him at the time my manager was Jamie Massada who ran ran the laugh factory and he bought me that blazer, and I was just overwhelmed with his generosity and his kindness. And so I had this beautiful, like, green blazer. And I thought, in order to feel silly, I need to do something silly to offset all the nervousness and blah, blah, blah. So I decided I was going to put peanut butter on the top of my boots. That's right, real peanut butter. And it is something I said to my college mates 10 years earlier.

back in college. I had had a premonition that I was going to be on the Letterman show. And I told them, I said, guys, I'm going to be on Letterman one day. And when I am, I'm going to put peanut butter on my boots. And they're like, what are you talking about? I said, I don't know. I just have a feeling I'm going to be on the David Letterman show. And they kind of blew it off, but I always kept that promise to myself. And I don't know why I just had a gut feeling. This was while I was still in college before I had even stood on a stand-up comedy stage. I didn't even know I was going to be a stand-up comic. I just had this premonition.

And it was an instinct. And so here I was 10 years later. And I'm up in the green room. We're getting ready to go. And the producers come up to get me. And we all go down in the elevator. And we all step out. And just before we go.

go around the corner to the wings where you can see Dave, I said, I got to go back in the elevator for a minute. And the producers looked at me. They're like, what the hell is he talking about? So I ran back in the elevator. I pulled a jar of peanut butter. It was Peter Pan peanut butter. I pulled it out from under my jacket.

I had a butter knife hidden in my sock. And I'm not kidding you, I coated the tops of my motorcycle boots with a thick layer of peanut butter. on each one, and I left the jar of peanut butter and the knife sitting in the elevator because I didn't want anyone to see it. Okay? So I come running out, and now they're, come on, Harlan, and I could see they were worried. I think they thought I was doing cocaine or something. The producer had, she was kind of looking in my eyes, and what were you doing in the elevator?

And I said, oh, nothing. I just, I said a little prayer, you know, and you can tell she was very suspicious. She thought I went in, because I was in there just long enough to do a to, right? Right? And I don't do that stuff, but I know that's what they thought. I can tell. Are you okay? What did you do? And I said, nothing. I'm good to go. So then we go around the corner. And I'm in the wings and I'm standing at the curtains. And I have a straight vision out to Dave. And I can see him sitting at his desk. And I'm just like, oh, my God, this is the guy I've watched on TV my whole, you know, since college.

This is the guy we stayed up every night to watch. This is the guy that we worshipped. This is the guy that I vowed I was going to be on his show. And there he was, man. I could see him sitting at the desk. And let me back up a little bit before I did that. Earlier in the day when I was there at the green room, Paul Schaefer came up to me,

who's the musical director. Do you all know Paul Schaefer? And that was just awe-inspiring enough to be talking to Paul Schaefer. And he asked me, what song do you want me to play when you come out? And I said, oh, man, play Sweetly from Black Sabbath. And he's like, you got it, man. And I was like, really? You'll play Black Sabbath?

He's like, yeah. So it's like, you know, sweet. Dan-na-na-na-na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-na. So I was like, oh, my God, because that was one of my favorites. songs growing up as a teenager. Oh, man, all these memories are coming back. And so off I go and then, you know, we keep going and Dave announces my name. He goes, please welcome Harlan Williams.

And nobody knew I had the peanut butter on my boots. And I walk out on that stage and it was the theater's just as cool as they say. And when I say cool, I mean temperature-wise, it was cool. he keeps it very chilly in there, which is good because it prevents guys like me from sweating when we're nervous and doing stand-up. And it's also cool because it's the Ed Sullivan Theater where the Elvis played and the Beatles and everyone, every famous person in America or anywhere played on the Ed Sullivan show. So it was very dramatic to be there.

And I walked out and I was just, I wasn't really that nervous for some reason. and I'd talked myself into just enjoy it, and I had the peanut butter on my shoes, so I was feeling silly. I was in my zone. I was in my silly zone, and that means I was in my funny zone, and I started into my material.

And, you know, it was interesting because they kind of help you pick the order for your jokes. You're not allowed to just walk out and do your jokes. They kind of, there's a comedy, person there who kind of works through your material and says okay why don't you do this one here blah blah and it kind of throws you off your rhythm a little bit because if i was doing it at a club i wouldn't do the jokes in that order but they kind of have the final say so i was a little bit you know out of my element not doing the jokes in the order so i was a little uh trepidations about

my first joke because i usually didn't open with the joke they wanted me to open with but i opened with it and boom they went nuts And I was like, all right, here we go. And so I just did one joke after the other, after the other. And each one was just like, boom, boom, boom, boom. And once again, not to be cocky, just telling you how it went, I had a killer set. I had a killer, killer set.

And just, it couldn't have been better. And I can still feel the euphoria. I can still feel the excitement. I can still feel the magic when I, when I think. about it. It's never left me. I'll tell you that. I mean, because this was, this was a dream of a young boy realized. So, so let me share with you that moment when it all went down, okay? I've got a recording here of me, my very first time on David Letterman, and this is the first time he ever says my name. He probably didn't even know I existed before this. I don't know. And here's me,

This Canadian kid from the suburbs and walking out onto the David Letterman show, Dave's, like, here he is, Harlan Williams. And then if you listen, you'll hear the music. You'll hear Paul Schaefer playing Sweetleaf. And then I do my first joke. As I said, it was a little bit quiet at the beginning. But then, you know, one of the things comedians listen for and other comedians look for when a guy does a set, they call them applause breaks. Like a lot of comedians will do a joke and get a laugh and then move on to the next joke. But one thing that really tells you you're doing well is if you do a joke, get a laugh, and then you get an applause break. Most comedians, when they do a late night talk show, and this is a little behind the curtain stuff, most comedians will go home, watch themselves at night and count the number of applause breaks they got.

They're like, oh, my God, I got four applause breaks. Oh, my God. And a lot of time, those don't happen until deep into the set. And my God, I got an applause break on my very first joke. And that's when I, you know, I said I knew it was going to go good. I knew I was, it was just a great way to start. So here it is, David Letterman saying my name, introducing me for the first time, Paul Schaefer playing Sweet Leaf, and then my very first joke.

on the David Letterman show. Oh, W. This is the first appearance of our next guest on our program. The man is a very funny comedian who soon will be seen in the brand new Jim Carrey film entitled to Dumb and Dumber. How soon, Bob? Any idea? How soon? We're not sure. But just go down to your local theater and get in line.

Ladies gentlemen, please welcome Harland Williams. Hurland! Hi, folks, it's great to be here in New York City. What a great city, but I got to ask you something, folks. What in the name of Hans Christian Anderson is going on with all the guns here? Guns, guns, guns, everybody's.

got a gun. Please, folks, if you don't have a gun, for God's sakes, go out and get one, huh? Because you never know when you're going to be downtown some night all by yourself. It's cold, it's dark, and all of a sudden you're going to need some money. So there it was. What a thrill. What an unbelievable thrill. What an unbelievable thrill. And the fact that the live audience stepped up and greeted me with such affection and so much laughter and I had this killer set. And about halfway through my set, the producer of the show is standing right at my feet, okay? He's at the front of the stage, probably, I don't know, probably about eight feet, nine feet away from me. but he's literally like his neck and head

are kind of at the base of the stage where I am the rest of his body goes down because the stage is elevated so I can just see like his neck head and shoulders peering over he's looking up at me watching me I looked down I glanced at him and it just so happened when I was looking at him I saw him looking at me

and then for some reason he glanced down at my feet and his eyes just went wide. He was like, what thought? I could see him, and he took him a minute, and then he realized I had peanut butter on my shoes, and he started cracking up. And then that made me even give me more amazing energy. So then I just kind of went up to another level,

and he must have told someone in his headphones, because out of my peripheral vision, I saw someone run over to Dave at his desk. actually you know what that no that was later on okay i'm getting mixed up that that happened when i finished my set i'll get into that um so i finished my set the crowd loved it i was on cloud nine and i thought that was it okay i had a killer set i thought that was it uh you know i waved goodbye dave came over and shook my hand and uh it was incredible and uh it was incredible and uh And then somewhere in that mix, it's coming back to me, someone ran up to Dave, and I remember hearing one of the stage people go, Dave, he's got peanut butter on his shoes.

I remember them saying it, and I saw Dave looking over, and he started howling. He started laughing. And then I got called over to the couch, which was a big thing back in those days. it was one thing to do your stand-up but if you got called to the couch by Johnny Carson back in the day or David Letterman it was kind of their stamp of approval

it was their way of saying hey we think I think you're really funny so Dave called me over to the couch and I got to sit down and talk with them and he said Harland I see you've got some peanut butter on your shoes there and he started laughing and so I told him the story about when I was in college

and how I had vowed to be on his show and if I ever was I'd put peanut butter on my shoes and so it was amazing it was just an incredible incredible night it couldn't have gone better in fact let me play the the moment that Dave you know set me down and talked to me and we had a little chat

over at the couch and man, I would just, I was just in heaven. It was really weird because I remember I was, you know, I couldn't believe I was that close to David Letterman and I was looking at his face and I was looking at the lines and the wrinkles and the structure of his face because it was almost like being at a Hollywood wax museum and you're like, look at this, this entity, this form, this person.

And I was looking at his eyes. He has very blue, blue eyes, and, you know, I can see the makeup on his face and, you know, I can see the collar of his shirt pinching his neck, and I was just taking in the essence of the man because, you know, I kind of idolized the guy for so long. So here's me sitting down and trying to, you know, keep my cool, not look like a goober and chatting with Dave. There, Arlen Williams. That was very funny. Thanks, thank you.

I'm very pleased to meet you. It was very entertaining, and I want to ask you a personal question, if you don't mind. You don't have to answer this, but it looks to me like you have some sort of foreign substance on your shoes there. Well, Dave, that's smoothie peanut butter. And why is that exactly? Well, I made a vow when I was a youngster that if I ever got on your program, I would, uh, Coat the top of my boots with smoothie peanut butter. You're a man of your word.

I admire that. Nice to meet you, Harlan. Thank you very much for being here. So there it is. And I had such a good time. And I just loved Dave. I mean, he was my kind of comedy TV late-night god, as he was to most people.

you know back in those days and so I went on to do the show many more times I went back and did stand-up quite a few times I think I did it three or four times and then I think I appeared two or three times just going on and not doing stand-up

and just sitting down and promoting movies I remember I went on to promote Rocket Man I went on to promote the movie superstar and there might have been one other that I'm not remembering right now. Maybe something about Mary, I'm not sure. But I remember one time I went out on the show and I had a friend who had gone to Holland

and I asked them to pick me up a pair of wooden clogs from Holland. And I wore a really nice suit and the wooden clogs. And I just kind of sat out there and crossed my legs and didn't say anything about them and Dave started asking me about my wooden clogs. clogs. And then another time I was on the show, I think it was the first time Dave swore on the show. He said the word shit because I guess he had heard from the, you know, the FAA or whatever

it is, whoever is in charge of the practices and standards for television, he had heard that they were allowing the word shit to be said on TV finally. So Dave started saying it during his monologue. And so when I walked out to do my panel, when I went to sit down with them and talk, I thought, well, I guess I'll say it too. I thought I'll be the first guest ever to have kind of legally said shit on television. And just by fate that night, as a goof, I always tried to do something silly. I took a purse out with me. You know, I was totally dressed as a dude. but when I walked out I just took a purse I bought a little hand purse

and I filled it up with stuff and when I sat down I just plopped it on Dave's desk and I didn't say anything about it and of course eventually he asked me about the purse and I said oh well this is where I keep all my shit and everyone laughed

he started laughing and he goes well what do you mean I said well you know just stuff you keep in a purse I have my birth control pills in there I have my tampons I have some poetry and then I pulled a home out and read it and uh just it was all it was all fun man it was all so fun um and uh half the fun was bumping into the other guests that were on i mean one time i was on with john travolta

one time i was on with uh shack shack came into my dressing room and let me hold one of his shoes he gave me his giant shoe to hold um yeah so it was just an incredible journey and, you know, I can tell you much, much more about it, but I'm probably getting long-winded. But it is good to go down memory lane on this during this special time when Dave's down to his last few days. And it makes me sad. And I mentioned earlier that I just finished writing a letter,

so it's interesting that you called. I actually wrote a long letter to Dave and sent it off to him saying, thank you. I wanted him to know how much of an impact he had on my life, how much of an impact he had on my career, how amazing and magical it was to be on the show with him and help me realize my dream. Because let's face it, man, a lot of us, we dream in life,

and we don't always get there, and I still have some unfulfilled dreams, and I'm sure all of us do. But there's small dreams, and there's big dreams, and this was a monumental dream. I mean, the odds of a young boy coming out of the suburbs of Toronto and maneuvering his way

through the giant maze of Hollywood and stand-up comedians and you know, this and that and to be able to audition and slam it over the wall and, you know, it was just, it was, it was just unbelievable. And like I said,

I still feel it to this day. So I wrote a letter to Dave to thank him, make sure I let him know just how grateful and thankful I am and was and is. And I also did the same thing with Jay Leno when he left. I delivered a letter to Jay to let him know how amazing it was to be with him and how thankful I was that he took me under his wing and thought it was funny enough to be on his show like 20 times with him.

just amazing but as I said as many times as I've been on Kimmel and been on Conan and Craig Ferguson and Bill Maher and all these shows

Dave was number one no disrespect to the other guys but Dave was always the number one guy and it's just the way it is I'm just being honest and so sent him a letter and he's going to be missed

It makes me sad inside because, you know, it reminds me that, you know, Dave's older, I'm older. Makes you think of all the time that's gone by. It makes you think of all the shows and all the people you've made laugh. And it also makes you realize, man, you know, getting older, you know, how much longer will we be around? You know, I mean, I'm not as old as Dave, obviously. But still, you know, all of us creep up there. And so, yeah, it's a little sad to see David Letterman pack it in. But, you know, I think it's time.

He is getting older, and I don't know if he's on his game as much as he used to be. But that's just probably natural, you know, as you get older. Same with Johnny Carson. When he got older, you're not as sharp. You're not as energized. And so we look at all the great contributions and all the laughter that, that these people give us, and especially Dave. And all I can do is say thank you, thank you, thank you.

And you will be missed. Thank you for everything you've done for everyone. And thank you for what you did for me, most certainly. And I love you, Dave, and wishing you all the best. So there you go, man. That's kind of a brief, a brief kind of, you know, look into my journey into the Letterman world. There's more stories, there's more things that happen,

but it would take me, you know, another hour to probably go through them. So I just wanted to give you kind of the broad strokes of my journey and my connection to David Letterman and his show. So thank you for asking. To all you die hard, the Letterman fans, it's probably a sad time. But we give thanks that Dave was out there, part of our lives, part of the tapestry of the world, and, again, all the laughter and all the ingenuity that he brought to all of us. So there you go.

I'll leave it there a little bit somber, a little bit reflective, but, you know, you guys called and asked the question, and there it is. It's a big part of my life. and I hope that was insightful for you. Thanks a lot, folks. God bless me. Hi, Arlen. Nice to me. I enjoyed that.

Arlen Williams, kids. We'll be right back. Thank you very much. Now, I think I should probably get back in the bathroom. bathtub and soak my testicles. Oh, my God, they're still black. I just look down at them. They're still black.

Wow. Unbelievable, Dr. Ascot. So let's hang it up there. And speaking of stand-up comedy, God, now you got me thinking, I'm going to be sad the day that Conan leaves. I've been on Conan, man, like 50 times, I think. I guess the next one I got to.

I haven't been on Jimmy Fallon yet. I got to call Jimmy up and get on his show. I don't get to New York much, but I have to figure out a way to get on and hang out with Jimmy Fallon, which would be a ton of fun, too. But speaking of stand-up comedy, let's give you some dates. This weekend, I'll be in San Diego, gang, at the American Comedy Co, from Thursday the 21st to Sunday the 24th. So please come down and visit and get your tickets at harloweems.com.

And then going into June, I will be in Ontario, not Ontario, Canada, Ontario, California, just outside of L.A. at the improv. That's June 11th to June 14th. A great, great club. Brand new, not brand new, but a fairly new club. And it's a blast. The last time we sold that place out, so make sure you get your tickets. The following week, June 18th to the 21st, I'll be in Houston, Houston, Texas. I love that town.

That's where we shot Rocket Man. Oh, yes, I love Houston, Texas. That's the improv, June 18th to the 21st. Get your tickets in advance at Harland Williams.com, and in July I'll be at New York's Levity Live. Maybe I should try and get on Jimmy Fallon while I'm up there in New York. That's a good idea. Let me get the wheels turning on that. Hello.

And that's it, man. That's all we've got for now. Well, you're at Harlem Williams.com. Check out the store. We've got incredible, fun gifts for you there. You can just order them with your credit card, and we ship them on out to you. also subscribe to my YouTube channel if you want to see my wacky videos

that I make in my spare time there's subscription buttons at the bottom of the home page and if you want to call me with any questions like our caller did today hopefully got an earful with the Letterman question

you can call me at 323739 4330 that's 323739 4330 the numbers on the web page to harlindwilliams.com. Also, my Twitter account is at Harland Williams. If you want to get on my Twitter feed, I'm always posting fun, silly little posts. And I just joined Periscope,

where you can catch me doing a little live video things randomly here and there. You never know when I'm going to pop up on Periscope. I did one last night. where I got a can of V8 juice and I poured it into a glass and I had heard a rumor that things dissolve if you put them in V8 juice. So I was dropping coins into the V8 juice. I was putting shotgun shells.

I put a little rubber toy made out of bacon. I put a pair of sunglasses in the V8 juice. I mean, you know, the other night I drew a self-portrait with my bad hand. I'm a right-handed I drew a self-portrait of myself with my left hand and I ended up looking like Eddie Munster and these are like

quick little live video things and you can type in and make comments while I'm doing it. It's an incredible app it's called Periscope and look for my name, join Harland Williams and you might catch some of my you get a little notification. If I go on the air

randomly your cell phone will go and you'll know that Harlem Williams is doing something silly, borderline retarded, on his cell phone. So join my Periscope account. And there it is, man. Once again, last time, bon voyage to David Letterman. And God bless. And God bless all you guys.

Thank you so much. And until next time, chicken. Chaumain, baby Earlier today The man who owns this network Leslie Moonbiz He and I have had a relationship for years and years and years And we've had this conversation in the past And we agreed that we would work together

On this circumstance And the timing of this circumstance And I phoned him just before the program And I said, Leslie, it's been great You've been great, the network has been great But I'm retiring This is really, yep This is true, this is, you actually did this?

Yes, I did. Wow. Well, do I have a minute to call my cotton? I, uh, I, uh, so, so it's, uh, I just want to reiterate my thanks and for the support from the network. All of the people who have worked here, all of the people in the theater, all the people on the staff, everybody at home. Thank you very much. And what this means now is that Paul and I can be married. We don't have the timing of this precisely down.

It will be, I think, at least a year or so, but some of the timing of this precisely down, it will be, I'm, I think, at least a year or so, but some, Sometime in the not-to-distant future, 2015 for the love of God. In fact, Paul and I will be wrapping things up and taken up height. Thank you. Thanks to everybody. Thank you. Nice to get. Nice to get.

Nice to do. All right. Thank you very much. Thank you.