The Harland Highway - 675 - AUNT RUTHIE returns. Let's talk about love!
Episode Date: May 21, 2015Aunt Ruthie calls in and tells us about a mishap at the mall food court. Are Social Security cards a thing of the past? And let's all remember to LOVE! Court my tort!! Learn more about your ad choice...s. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Baby, baby, where did I love go deep inside me?
Okay, enough.
No soft sell right out of the gate.
Too soon, too soon.
Welcome, everybody.
This is Harlem Williams.
You're on the Harlan Highway podcast.
That's right, boy.
Great to have you here today.
We are going to be taking some of your phone calls.
We had some reaction to the new trend that I mentioned called the Schlitzy,
this horrible pigtail trend that guys are doing.
So we're going to get some feedback from some of the pavement pounders on that.
Also, we're going to be talking about your social security card.
Is it time to abolish that and update that whole system?
I'm going to get into depth about that and other personal forms of identification
that seem to weigh us down.
Also, oh my God, Aunt Ruthie,
God bless her, she's always just seems to be lost and confused.
Sweet Aunt Ruthie left me a wonderful message.
She's so loving and caring and talks a little too much,
but she left me a nice message.
I always love hearing from Aunt Ruthie on my answering machine.
We'll play that for you.
And we're going to talk about love,
Because this is the loving
Harland Highway
Ladies and gentlemen
I'd like to introduce
The Harland Highway
I promise you
I will please you all
Believe me
What is he like
What's he like
He's an angel
He's an angel
He's an angel
Start from nothing
You're gonna need a pig of pose
You're listening to Harland Williams
Why don't you give me a name
And a face
And a reason why
Your Mayor, what do you expect
The guy's a chigelaw, man.
It's over, Jenny.
It's over.
Nothing is over!
You just don't turn it off.
You just made a wrong turn.
On to the Harland Highway.
Weird.
Just plain weird.
You know what I mean?
I'm still alive.
I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers.
I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry.
Welcome to the Harland Highway.
Oh, you get your money to work.
Believe me.
Hello
Hello
Hey Harlan, this is Snow
calling from Seattle, Washington
Hey, I just listened to the episode of you
talking about the ridiculous hairstyle
The Slippi, I think you call it?
It's not exactly a new trend
I'm surprised that it's actually coming back
in an area in which you happen to live
in the United States.
I remember growing up in the 80s
and going to the gym
And, yeah, these big tough guys or tough-looking guys
thinking that they look all macho and stuff
with this little six-year-old girl ponytail style
in the middle of their head.
It doesn't look right.
I asked actually one of the guys before in the gym
growing up in the 80s, I said,
hey, where did you get the idea for the hairstyle before?
And they said, oh, man, you've got to watch these
Akira Kiro Sala Japanese samurai movies.
These really old black and white samurai movies.
He goes, those guys were tough.
Those guys were badasses.
And I go, what makes you think that?
He said, well, you know, these guys are intimidated not only by their hairstyle,
but the way in which they walk.
And I go, well, the walk is one thing.
The hairstyle, sure, but you're nowhere near bald, and you're not Japanese,
and you don't have a whole lot of hair, really, to kind of pull off the look.
So, hey, luckily, I didn't get hurt.
I didn't get punched.
So if the guy wants to look like a douche, the guy can look like a douche.
And I totally agree with you, Harlan.
These guys look ridiculous with that hairstyle.
But let them do it.
Hey, I'm spreading the word and telling everybody it's this lippy.
And, yeah, guys have got to knock this off.
That's my input.
Thanks a lot.
Chicken chalmy in.
Hello?
Hello?
Hi, Harlan.
This is Debbie from Arizona.
I've pulled you before.
But anyway, I wanted to say, holy shit.
shit about the slitsy because just this weekend my husband and i were in a bagel shop having breakfast
a guy came in with that dood on top of his head and we were both saying to ourselves what the
is that supposed to be and then there you were talking about it just a couple days later and
it i had no idea it was a trend but i agree with you it is ridiculous i had to run to my husband and say
listen harlan he's talking about that thing on the guy's head it was amazing anyway i really
And one other thing before I go, where is Aunt Ruthie?
I've called you about Aunt Ruthie before.
I miss her.
You don't have her on enough.
Okay, thank you, Harlan, and I love you.
Hello?
Hello.
Hello, Harlan.
Hello, Angel.
Hello?
Oh, my goodness, are you there, little angel pop?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Holland.
It's your Aunt Ruth.
crawling, Angel.
I'm calling from Rootchester, New York, doll.
How are you?
Oh, my God, Holland.
I'm over.
I got up this morning, and I just had a craving
for something delicious to eat from the food court
over at the Silver City Mall.
And your uncle Harry was off doing some shitty,
went over to the hardware store or something
to buy some sprinkler head to something,
and I was feeling trapped in the house,
and I'm like, oh, my God,
I could really go for something nice to eat.
And I didn't want to do it up nice
and go to the Golden Corral.
I just wanted something a little more casual,
so I decided to go over to the Food Court Angel
at the Mall over at the Silver City Mall.
Oh, my God, they have some wonderful places
to eat over there at the Food Court.
They've got all kinds of wonderful things,
and I get over there, Holland
I got in the car
and I'm driving
and I get to the food court
and I'm walking around
and I swear to God
people are staring at me
and I'm like
what the hell is wrong with everyone
is it Easter
and I'm standing there
and all of a sudden
I see little boys
and little girls
pointing at your aunt
Ruthie Holland
and it wasn't
it made me very uncomfortable
and I started to wonder
What in the name of Christ are they pointing at?
And I looked down, Holland, and oh, my God, so embarrassed little angel.
I realized I forgot to put my skirt on, and I was, oh, my God, from the waist down, I was
naked in the food court, Holland, and I'm standing there completely naked, and some of the
people are throwing up, and some of them are passing out.
in one shot one little boy ran up and actually put his finger in my bottom i don't know why what
he thought maybe he thought i heard him yell the word pumpkin pumpkin over and over again i want to
play with the pumpkin is what he said and then he put his finger right in my bottom and i would i gotta
tell you i haven't i jumped for sweet christ i mean i jumped i jumped up like a kangaroo with a pogo
stick up his ass, Holland.
I mean, God, I haven't felt anything on my anews since your uncle Harry tried to do something
back in Detroit when we were on holidays when he was there for the big car convention.
You know, your uncle Harry has a couple of his whiskey showers and he gets a little adventurous
and we got up to the hotel room and he started trying to get this, you know,
he tried to put the worm on the fishing hook, if you know what I mean,
And anyways, to all, a little boy, when I turned around, I almost snapped his finger off.
And I looked down and I realized I was completely naked, Angel.
Oh, my God, I forgot to put my lowers on.
You know, there's my uppers and then my lowers.
And I'm standing there completely exposed, and everyone's causing a fucking riot for some reason.
Like they've never seen a 83-year-old vagina hanging in the wind.
you know type of thing
and I just acted
very quickly and I was
in front of the Chipoli
Holland. You like the Chipotle
Remember when you were a little
boy and Aunt Ruthie made you
some Mexican tacos
for your, I think it was your
ninth birthday. You'd never
had a Mexican taco and your Aunt
Ruthie made you some wonderful
Mexican tacos Holland
and you ate three or four
of them before you puked all over the
table, but anyways, I'm standing in front of
Chipotle, and I reached
out very quickly, and I grabbed
the first thing I could find, and I guess
they have these things called the Burrito
Bowl, Holland, at the Chipotle,
and they put a
tinfoil lid on top of the
burrito bowl, and I grabbed a tinfoil
lid and planted it
right over my 83-year-old
Wonderbush, you know.
And, oh my God,
Holland, I was so
afraid of getting hit by lightning. Can you imagine if I've got tin foil over my 83-year-old
farmer's friend and a bolt of lightning came through the roof of the food court hauling
and fried your Aunt Ruthie's vagina? Oh, my God. And then I realized my bottom was exposed
because the little boy put his finger in there, the little bastard. So I grabbed a wrapper
from a double cheese whopper
from Burger King
and stuck that over my ass
and Holland
I'm walking through the food court
I'm so humiliated
I'm holding a silver tin foil
Chipotle cover over my lady pots
on the front
and I got a wrinkled up
a double wapper with cheese
burger king wrapper crinkled over my
asshole and I'm just feeling
so exposed and vulnerable
and you know I already walk like
a crab haul
one with my crooked orthopedic foot sandals.
I mean, good Lord.
I looked like I just got off a horse
after riding from here to China, for Christ's sake.
So you, you're, Ruthie's a little emotional, angel,
but I shouldn't put that on you.
You're in the Hollywoods doing your movies
and your televisions and whatnot,
and we're so proud of you, little angel.
Oh, you're so sweet.
You're so sweet.
Anyways, I'm back home, Holland.
and I didn't, well, I didn't want to tell you this part,
but I guess I should since I'm, you know, you're my little angel.
On the lid of the Chipoli, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed.
I guess the lid was sitting on someone's burrito bowl,
and on the lid of the Chipoli, there was a bunch of sour cream,
grocamoly, and some corn nibblets.
And I guess I pressed the tinfoil lid too hard against my,
I think the kids call it of a joy joy these days.
And when I took the Tim Foyle lid off of my private lady pods, Holland,
I had quackamole, sour cream and corn niblets all over my 85-year-old vagina.
And it just looked at it.
Oh, my God, it was very disturbing.
And then when I took the same thing on my ass,
when I took the Burger King wrapper of Holland,
there was a tomato stuck in my crack.
And I, good Lord, Holland, I think there was an onion circling my anus.
But anyways, Angel, I know you've got things to do.
I'm sorry to disturb you.
I hope you're okay.
Aunt Ruthie misses you.
Please call me when you get a chance.
Okay, Angel.
Okay, Angel, thank you, love bug.
And Ruthie loves you.
Bye, Angel.
Bye.
Boy, Anne Ruthie's shirt, she sure does use up a lot of my answering machine.
These long-winded story, I mean, God, God, I love her to death.
My dear Aunt Ruthie, and the poor, poor woman, a tomato and an onion on her anewse, and, oh, poor thing.
She forgot to put her dress on.
Oh, Aunt Ruthie.
Well, maybe one day she'll get out to holiday.
the Hollywoods where I'm making the movies and the televisions.
And speaking of the televisions, gang,
here's a little good news for you.
You know, for the last couple of years,
I've talked about my sitcom that I've been working on,
but it only aired up in Canada.
And people were writing me and calling me and going,
What's up, man?
Why can't we watch your sitcom, man?
No fair.
That's not right.
Canadian crap.
What is that, man?
Well, I have some good news for you.
It looks like the sitcom, which is called Packaged Deal, was purchased by Hulu.
If you don't know what Hulu is, it's an online streaming service like Netflix or HBO to Go.
And you can download it as an app.
You can get it on your computer.
You can get it on your tablet.
You can get it on your TV.
It's called Hulu.
and they are now running both season one and season two of my sitcom package deal.
So for those of you that we're wondering, and for those of you that we're dying to see it,
now is your chance.
It's a whole lot of fun.
We're really proud of what we did and super excited that it's available to the whole planet now,
not just them greedy old Canadians.
So please check it out on Hulu package deal and let me know if you think you find it any good
or if there's things you like about it, things you don't like about it.
But I hope it gives you some laughs and you have some fun with it.
And there you go.
Package deal on Hulu.
And, well, I'm at it.
I want to thank my callers for calling in on the Harland Highway hotline.
I'm glad they responded to the Schlitzie.
That's so amazing that other people are aware of it.
And it was funny because the people that called in also had an averse reaction to it.
They didn't seem to like it.
They thought it looked goofy and stupid and moronic and retarded.
And they're right.
They are 100% right.
So if anyone else has any schlitsy reports, feel free to call them in.
323739, 43330.
And I want to thank our female caller for calling in because, you know, right at the end,
She kind of, you know, did kind of like what Aunt Ruthie did.
She said, she said, I love you.
Here, let me play it for you.
It's so sweet.
She says, I love, thank you, Harlan, I love you.
Okay, thank you, Harlan, and I love you.
And I love you, too.
It said, thank you for that.
That just made my day.
I want you to know that you put a big smile on my face, in my heart, in my soul.
And we don't know each other.
never met, but even though we've never met and we don't know each other, just to hear that
is such positive, great, wonderful, warm energy.
And, you know, it's just a reminder of the power of that word to tell someone you love them
in a big, wide, loving sense, and just put a smile on my face.
You know, maybe that's today's homework.
Maybe that's today's homework.
We want to thank that listener for giving us this idea.
Maybe today, sometimes I give you guys homework,
and I count on you to do it.
Maybe today you tell someone you love them.
And not under your breath.
I don't want to hear from you.
I love you.
Or as you're hanging up, okay, love you, bye.
Or in an email.
blah, blah, blah, love you. Bye.
No, no, no, no.
I wanted to have all the warmth and the exuberance
and the feeling that this pavement ponder collar put into her.
I love you.
Okay, thank you, Harlan, and I love you.
See, that's the way to do it.
So your homework is defined.
It could be someone you don't know.
It could be someone you kind of know.
maybe it's someone you call into.
Maybe you call into me.
Maybe you call into another radio or podcast show.
Maybe you call a friend.
But put some happiness and meaning and joy into that I love you.
And I have a feeling you will affect that person's day.
And not only will you affect that person's day,
I think you'll affect your own day by putting some heart into the I love you.
I think you'll put a smile on your own face
because it feels good to give a sincere, warm, loving,
I love you to another human being.
And you can do it to the old standbys,
the wife, the girlfriend, the husband, the boyfriend if you want to,
the mother, the father, the sister.
But maybe try it with someone different.
Maybe a friend.
Maybe someone you're not used to sing the L word to.
And again, it doesn't have to be an intimate, I love you, like, oh, I love you, I love you. Meet me at the motel six and half an hour, I love you.
It can be a very general, warm, just, you know, I love you.
I'm so glad you're on this planet sharing it with me.
I'm just glad you're here. I love you.
But I'm going to say it to you guys, all my listeners, I love you.
boy did that feel good
I love all of you
for listening
for being here
for just being alive
and being you and being on this planet
and sharing
oh I love you
I really
I really love all of you
and I want to meet all of you
at the motel 6 in half an hour
not wait
I had to slap myself there
Sorry. I loved you sincerely in a loving way, and I got steamrolled.
I got barreled over by my own love and wanted to have intimate, lustful love with you at the motel sex.
And I'm dialing it back. I apologize.
I broke my own rule of doing the homework.
So there it is. There's your homework.
And if you want to share it with me, if you want to, maybe you even want to record it on your cell phone when you say it.
Maybe you're talking to someone and you hit record on your cell phone and say the I love you and capture the reaction.
And maybe you play that recording to me or maybe you email that recording to me at harlomwilliams.com at our contact page and I put it on the show.
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Have fun.
Don't throw your back out.
I bet you'll brighten everyone's day.
You can't go wrong with a good old fashion.
I love you.
I love you.
You're a groovy boy.
I'd like to strap you on sometimes.
Rice, a rookie, the San Francisco tree.
Okay, easy, easy.
Hey, I want to ask you about your social security number.
In fact, I want your social security number.
Could you just send it to me so I can get to, you know, disrupting your life?
Could you do that for me?
Is that possible?
Can I please get your social security number?
Okay.
Um, so I, uh, I'm one of these guys that, uh, you know, when I, when I immigrated to, uh, the U.S., I, uh, I was given a social security card with my social security number on it and, and because I had to do a lot of other paperwork, I just kept it in my wallet. And, you know, I had to do the DMV thing and I had to do my passport and I had to do my citizenship and I had to do my tax thing and all kinds of.
stuff you have to do when you're moving from one country to the other.
And so I just left my social security card in my wallet.
And you know, a lot of guys have wallets.
And on one side, there's like a little clear plastic window that you're supposed to
tuck your driver's license under or whatever.
And I just put my social security card in there.
And over the last few years, the reason I'm bringing it up is because it started to kind
of beat me down.
little um many people many friends have commented you know when i pull the old wallet out to pay for
lunch or dinner or whatever they see my soul they go what are you doing with your social
security card in there what who does that what why you're carrying your social security card around
look at you putting your social security card in your wallet what's that what's wrong with you
Who does this?
Who puts this social security card in their wallet like this?
What is this, 1972?
What are you, Teen Wolf?
Who does this type of thing anymore?
It's unconscionable.
It's unheard of.
Why would you do this to your mother and your father like this?
Putting your social security card number out there for the whole world to see?
Who are you?
Some kind of big shot?
You got to show the world.
Your social security number.
God, you're making me sick.
Good Lord.
Hide that thing away.
Don't put that thing out for everyone to see.
I mean, good Lord.
You'd think I committed murder or something, man.
People, like, mock me.
look like what are you doing dude
social security card
who does that
I mean really dude
what's going on with you man
that is uh
are you doing is that a bit
are you doing a bit
that is so
it's so gay
but so it's kind of
what are you an idiot
so I got a lot of ridicule
for it and I was defending
I was like what are you talking about
it's my social security card
you know I might need it
But then they go, nobody does that.
So now I'm very self-conscious, and I started to realize, you know, I'm assimilated.
I've been here a while.
Maybe I don't really need it there.
And people are always like, oh, if you lose your wallet, dude, you're done.
I mean, that's it.
You're over.
I mean, if someone gets the hand on that card, do you know, many years it's going to take you to get your life back in order?
Forget about it.
You'd be better off chopping that thing up and feeding it to your dog.
I mean, you don't want no one to get the hands on your social security card.
You leave it, your wallet like that.
That's like almost an invitation to, hey, you over there,
you and the greasy leather jacket and the oily hair,
and the gun in your belt.
Yeah, why don't you come and fuck my life up for me right now?
That's what you're basically doing.
So I've gotten all these reprimands and all these accusations,
and I've been mocked and made fun of.
I'm like, good lord
So now I'm
I'm gonna take it out
I'm gonna remove my social security card
Not today
Not today, maybe tomorrow
Maybe I've grown attached to it
Maybe there's a comfort level
Maybe it's my little blue security blanket
I don't know, I don't know
I just love the number
I love the number I have
That's my number
That's my social security number
I'm gonna be secure
In social settings
because I have a social security number.
And if anything gets awkward or weird
and I feel out of place,
I'm just going to pull out my social security number
and say, I don't feel weird.
I feel very comfortable in this social setting.
I have a social security number.
I won't be left out of the conversation.
I'm secure.
Okay, I'm going a little too far.
But here's the thing.
here's where I'm going with this, okay?
Why do we still have these stupid cards
and these stupid numbers
that people violate and steal
and go online and destroy lives
and do identity thefts
and get information about us?
I mean, aren't we past that?
Aren't we in the age of digital phones
and digital watches
and cell phones and electric cars
and isn't everything modern?
Why are we still holding a little piece of paper
that looks like a blockbuster video membership card?
Remember those?
Oh my God, you still have one of those?
What's wrong with you?
All right, easy.
But can we be at a place?
It seems to me with the driver's,
license and the fake voter ID and the fake insurances and every all these pieces of paper green
cards and passports they can all be manipulated and forged and it's quite easy to do and it causes
a lot of problems and it opens up regular folks like me and you to have our our identification
stolen can we not just have a chip is every is everyone that opposed to having a little chip
inside them that just stores everything and you put your finger on a pad or they look in
your iris or whatever whatever whatever I'm totally who I say I am just look at my
iris and fill my fingertop it's me did okay look at my iris if you don't believe
it's me look at my iris it's me and fill my finger top that's my that's my that's my
identity.
I mean, even E.T. had a little something going on in his fingertip.
Remember that little red light?
That had to mean something.
E.T.
Social Security fingertips.
P. La, la, la.
But seriously, I mean, can we have...
I mean, we have dogs with chips in them.
When your dog runs away, you can go, peep.
Oh, yeah, that's my dog.
Yep. How beautiful is that when you hear those stories where someone kidnaps a dog or a dog gets lost?
They take it to the vet. They scan it like a piece of grocery at a grocery check-in line.
Beep, beep, beep, beep. Yep, that's Fido. He belongs to you.
I mean, how imposing can a chip be?
I mean, I haven't seen one, but I'm guessing they're very small.
I mean, look, if they can get the data of a modern computer into the Apple Watch,
if they can shrink down, look at all the things the Apple Watch or your cell phone can do.
These are like mini computers.
I'm sure they can put some kind of ID chip with all our information into a little chip that they put that under our skin at birth.
It's like, you're telling me they can circumcises of birth,
but they can't put in a modern chip?
Well, we can perform this archaic primitive ritual
called snipping the tip of a boy's penis off.
Yes, that's right.
When he's born, we cut his knob off with a butcher knife.
But I'll be damned if we put any of our modern technology under his skin.
I mean, seriously, it would save us having to carry passports around.
How many of you have lost a passport?
How many of you've lost a wallet or a purse?
It's a living nightmare to get all your ID back,
your license, your social security card,
you're this, you're that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Can't everything just be on one programmable little chip?
And I know all these people are going, oh, well, they're going to follow you,
they're going to track you, the government will know where you are at every second.
Oh, my God, you won't be able to have any,
anonymity, well, can you now?
Seriously, doesn't all the documentation you have track your every move anyhow?
They know how much money you spend, they know where you go with your passport,
they know, your health records, they know you're driving, they know, it's already there.
So what's the paranoia about having a chip?
And I always say, you know, unless you're doing something illegal or wrong, what are you worried about a little chip for?
I don't know.
You'd probably forget it was there.
But I get it.
It dehumanizes us a little bit.
Let's look at the downside.
Suddenly we're walking around with a technology in us that can be tracked by the powers that be.
But the world is becoming more tumultuous.
people are sneaking through the cracks,
people are crossing borders,
people are becoming terrorists,
people are doing, you know,
the world's becoming a lot more evil,
it seems.
There's a lot more people with technical knowledge
to get into the internet
and into your personal files
and exploit your money,
steal your personality,
steal your finances.
I mean, would a chip
inside our bodies just a little?
alleviate all that.
And I'm not talking about a chip that controls our mind or anything like.
It's merely a data chip that has all the pertinent information.
We don't have to carry around any more paperwork, any more documentation.
You wouldn't be able to do anything fraudulent with it.
Unless you're willing to have some guy in a dark room in Mexico cut your neck open and,
okay, we're going to remove the chip.
Okay, and we're going to replace it with a tortilla chip.
Yes, people won't really know who you are,
but if you ever fall in a bowl of salsa,
you will have nothing to worry about
because you will have a Dorito chip in your neck.
I don't know.
It seems like, you know, like I said,
we are already in the system.
Okay, when you're born,
you're given the birth certificate, then you get the social security, then you get the
tax ID, then you get the driver's license, and you get the birth certificate, and then you get
the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and it just keeps going on and on.
So wouldn't it just make life easy?
It would stop fraudulent voting.
It would stop bad people from getting into airports.
It would stop people trying to, you know, do fake.
transactions at a bank
it would stop
identity theft
it would stop a lot of things
there's like I said there's always
pros and cons but isn't it time
and mostly I'm saying this is because
I don't want to get mocked anymore when I
open my wallet and people see my
social security number
oh my god
I'm so upset and emotional
about it I can't
Okay, enough.
Just had to slap myself there.
So, I don't know.
I'm throwing it out there.
Any thoughts from any of you?
And I already hear the arguments, like I said, people will be,
well, the government will be able to get in and program us,
and, you know, you'll be tracked everywhere you go and blah, blah, blah.
Like I said, it's kind of, we're already there,
and now they want to put, you know, cameras on all the cops,
and soon they'll want to put cameras on the people,
and they'll put cameras everywhere.
It's, you know, we can be traced through our cell phones.
With our cell phones, we're basically carrying a tracking device.
Did you know that?
Yeah.
You're basically carrying a tracking device anyhow.
So why don't we just stop pretending about all this,
it's America and we've got all these freedoms?
Because, you know, in a way we don't.
We might have been tricked into thinking we do.
But why don't we just say, you know what?
It already exists.
Let's just put it all in one place.
Make it easy.
Boom.
And as I said, mostly I don't have to get mocked anymore.
So something to think about.
If you have any thoughts on this, please let me know.
I'd like to hear.
You can call me 323-739-4-3-3-0.
and let me know what you think,
because I could see some people being vehemently opposed to this.
It's like too big brotherish.
And then I could see other people who live in a fast-paced society
and just want to be done with all the paperwork and the what you may call it
and just be able to breeze through, you know, lines,
breeze through airports, breeze, you know,
not have to deal with stuff, blah, blah,
blah, blah. Don't have to worry about losing stuff.
323-739-4330. You can write me at Harlanwiliams.com.
And I'll leave you right there with that probing question.
Don't you laugh at me. Don't you laugh at my Social Security card.
And I think we'll leave it right there. I like leaving you guys in a place where you have to be thinking.
And why?
Because I love you.
I love you.
Yes, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you and your social security number.
You have the most sexy social security number I have ever seen in my life.
I want to put my lips all over your social security number.
I want to take your social security number out to the moonlight
and dance on the edge of a cliff and make passionate what I'd love.
Do you have social security number?
I love you, my darling.
I must have you right now.
Okay, creep too much too soon.
God.
What is with me and the social security number, man?
All right, let's do some announcements here.
Come on.
Come on, gang.
If you want to see me do some stand-up, some live stand-up,
you can check me out.
I'll be in San Diego, San Diego, California, excellent city, love that city.
Great club there, the American Comedy Co.
That's in San Diego, and that is May 21st through the 24th.
And you can get your tickets online at HarlandWilliams.com.
Just go to my stand-up comedy link on the page.
And boom, you are in player.
Let's move over to June.
If you want to see me in Los Angeles,
I will be at Ontario, Ontario, California,
just outside of Los Angeles.
That's June 11th through the 14th.
Great club out there.
Last time we just sold out every damn show.
And we want to do it again.
We had a killer time out there.
So June 11th to June 14th, Ontario Improv,
Ontario, California, and then June 18th to the 21st.
I'm going to be down in Houston, boy.
Yeah, we're going to be at the improv in Houston, y'all.
We're going to do there, as we're going to do stand-up in the improv, June 18th to the 21st.
Get your tickets.
And then in July, New York.
I'll be in New York at Levity Live, which is an amazingly beautiful club I'm hearing.
It'll be my first time there.
And I hope to see you out there, you crazy nuts.
All tickets can be purchased.
There's links at harlomwelliams.com.
While you're there, check out the store.
We have crazy t-shirts, DVDs, digital downloads, books, you name it, man.
All kinds of great gifts at harlomwelliams.com.
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There's no tricks, no gimmick, gimmick, gimmick, gimmeck, gimmeck, there's no fees.
There's no nothing, man.
You just get to, you know, take a peek and enjoy and have a laugh.
That's what it's all about.
Having a laugh, baby.
What else can I tell you?
I think that's it for now.
You can also listen to this podcast at all things comedy.com,
ATC.com.
It's a podcast network that has me and several other funny, funny comedians and people doing podcasts.
Check that scene out, man.
And that's it.
I think we're done for today.
So until next time,
chicken
shall be
baby
okay thank you harland
and I love you