The Harland Highway - 676 - The demise of MAD MAX and how women are taking over film. Sally Strutheres calls in as well.

Episode Date: May 25, 2015

Are women becoming too dominant in film? Are they ruining it for men? Also, Sally Struthers calls in from her Institue for Women to discuss manners. Maxy my waxy!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On the good ship, lollipop. If a ship was made out of lollipop, wouldn't it kind of melt in the water pretty rapidly? Because it's all sugar, hard candy sugar, and it's like when you lick a lollipop, your wet saliva dissolves it. So how, what, anyways, I'm overthinking it. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm Harlan Williams, your host. Today, interesting show. It's a very woman-themed show.

We are actually going to be talking about the manners and the etiquette of young girls these days and how it seems to be changing, how it seems to be women, young girls seem to be more brazen and have a lot more attitude. And we're going to be talking to someone from the, actually, Sally Struthers, at the Sally Struthers Institute for Young Women, which is an academic facility where they stress hard discipline to keep the girls in line and help them plan for a better future. So we'll be talking to her on the phone.

Also, we have an irate caller who's pissed off about Mad Max, the new movie where the women in the movie seem to be taking over the whole plot. So let's talk about that right here on the Harley. Highway Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway

I promise you I will please you all Believe me What is he like What's he like He's an angel He's an angel Strait from nothing

You're gonna need a bigger pose You're listening to Harland Williams Why don't you give me a name And a face And a reason why Oh man What do you expect The guy has chagalal old man

It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird.

You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money's worth. Believe me. Hello?

Hello. Hey, Holland. This Brian, and I saw the new Mad Max movie last night. And I didn't see it coming. I don't know why I didn't, but I guess I should have. But they managed to feminize Mad Max. And it's series. I mean, Tina Turner was great in Beyond Thunderdome.

But this movie went above and beyond to feminize the whole Mad Max series, which was like one of the last bastions for, for men and movies as far as I'm concerned I'm just injured by it I need help I can't believe they're doing all this

and why are you the only one he seems to speak out about it such a disappointment I was looking forward to this movie very much and yeah Anyway, in the past, the cargo has been gasoline or sand. This time, it was women.

The guy was a woman. Cargo was women. They ran into a society of women. and then elevated woman is the pot or Tina Turner was the top but she was cool Tina Turner was great in Beyond the Underdome this was just a piece of garbage

anyway I needed a vent a little bit thanks for listening bye oh my gosh it sounds so sad it sounds like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh Thanks for noticing me Brian

Poor Brian Brian Brian Brian Brian Brian I feel your pain man And I am totally Totally on board with you I went to see the new Mad Max movie And the name of the movie is Mad Max Okay When they did the movie in the 70s The movie was about

about a guy named Mad Max. The movie centered around his character. It was his point of view. It was his mission. It was his journey. And you got on board with it. And you liked the movie because it was about a character named Max trying to dig his way out of impossible situations,

beat impossible odds through violence, through cunning, through luck, through intelligence. and he had to go on this journey from A to B in order to survive. His name was Max. The movie was called Mad Max. I'll say it again. It was his story. So now we come to 2015 and they reboot Mad Max.

Now, first of all, before I get into what Brian was talking about, incredible movie cinematically and men. Imagination, costumes, vehicles, choreography, stunts, driving, I mean, the environment, the locations, masterful, masterful, okay? Great. It's worth seeing just on those merits. But here's where the problem comes in. Hollywood or some section of Hollywood or some section of society, I don't know what it is. has somehow decided that women have to be the heroine in all these movies now. Men have to be seen as subservient, men have to be seeing with watery eyes,

men have to be seeing as crying, men have to be seeing as sometimes weaker, and I'm talking not just emotionally but physically weaker in a lot of these movies now. A lot of these movies They portray women as taking the leadership role They portray women as being the dominant force Over the man And I'll tell you what, man As Brian said, it just ain't cutting it

And it ain't a sexist remark It ain't anything against women I love women, I love strong women I love women who are courageous And have a personality and can stand up to anything. But you know what? In movies,

I don't want to see it in every second movie. I don't want to see it in every movie. I'm not against a courageous woman character, a woman heroine. But it seems like they keep knocking men down a peg every damn movie I go to see these days. and case in point, Mad Max. Okay, here's a movie that you go to the movie

and you're expecting to see the journey of Max, a tough ass, kick ass, take no prisoners, ex-cop roaming around in the nuclear wasteland trying to survive. So I'm thinking, okay, here goes his story. I get there, and in the opening scene of the movie, we meet Charlize Theron, who looks like a Victoria's Secret model with a buzz cut. You know, just because you buzz a girl's hair and don't put makeup on her, it doesn't take away that she's physically very attractive.

So here I'm supposed to believe roaming around in the wasteland is this gorgeous woman. She's driving a truck. and she has more lines in the movie, Mad Max's movie, than Max does. By the way, a mistake by the writers and directors, okay? Mad Max, I think, has a total of about 12 lines in the whole movie. Spoiler alert. But I'll tell you what, if you're going to do a movie about a guy,

unless it's a silent movie or the movies about a mime, if it's the Marcel Marceau story, great. But if you're going to do a movie about a guy and he's the central character, I need to know more backstory. I need to know his point of view. I need to hear from him. I love the brooding guy. I loved Clint Eastwood in his old westerns when he didn't say a lot.

But he still said enough that I knew who he was and what he wanted and where he was going. Max, in this new movie, he says nothing. I think he says, I'm not kidding. I think he says a total of 25 words the whole movie. It's not enough. But anyways, the big fault of this movie is they couldn't decide whose movie it was. Who's the hero here? I was watching the movie going, wait a minute, whose journey am I watching?

Is Charlize Theron in control here, or is Max in control? And as Brian said, it seemed like Max had to take a back seat. to Charlize for most of the movies. She was doing the stuff you expected Max to do. She was pulling the gun. She was pulling the weaponry. She was controlling the journey. She was controlling the other individuals that were traveling with her.

She was driving the big giant truck. And I'm sorry, guys, I just don't get off on a hot-looking woman driving a beat-up 18-wheeler through the car. desert. It doesn't quite work for me, okay? Now, in the real world, could a woman, an old woman, a young woman, a 12-year-old woman drive an 18-wheeler, of course. But that's not what I want to see. I signed up to see Mad Max, and in the original Mad Max, he pounded through the desert with a dirty, beat-up, noisy, kick-ass 18-wheeler and ran over anything in his Way. I wanted to see Mad Max being mad. I didn't want to see Charlize Theron with her typical

brooding acting. I've talked about her before. She's one of these actresses in every friggin movie she does. She turns on the runny eyes. She thinks that good acting equals tears. Many of the opening scene in the movie, she's got runny eyes on the verge of tears. And in many almost most of her scenes, she's right there. As always, she is. She's a talented actress, but she's got to drop that runny eye routine. It's such a crutch for her. But anyway, she's dominating this movie.

She's all over the movie. She's kicking ass. She's getting in a full... Here's another spoiler word. She has one hand. And she's getting in a full-on... 10-minute fist fight with Mad Max and schooling him. It's like if Chuck Liddell and, you know,

one of the other top UFC, Jean-Plaude, Claude Pierre, or whatever that guy's name is, or John Smith, we're in a full-on, like, octagon match. So here's our hero, Mad Max, who's supposed to be the tough guy, having a full-on fist fight in the desert sand with a woman with one arm and he's pretty much having an even match with her. Let's forget the fact that men are physically stronger and bigger. Unless you're Rhonda Rousey, who's the, you know, the UFC female champion,

she could probably kick most guys' asses, but come on, man. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent to greatly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast, so be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know, this movie wasn't called Mad Charlize. It wasn't called Charlize on the rag. I wanted to see Mad Max. I didn't want to see a pissed-off, like, angry woman taking control of this movie. And so I'm watching this movie going, wait, whose story is this? Who am I following? For some reason, Max jumps on this truck that's being driven by Charlize Theron,

who wants to go through the desert. She's carrying a whole bunch of beautiful girls with her who are helpless. They're just sitting in the back seat the whole movie, wrapped in tablecloths. their nipples sticking through their shirts. They drive through the desert for most of the movie and then they get to a tribe of women that look like they escaped from the movie cocoon.

It's a bunch of old bags and one young woman. And guess what, guys? These old ladies who look like they just crap their nappies, they're marksmen? They know how to shoot a... They could shoot a fly. off the head of a fucking kangaroo at three miles. They can do roundhouse kicks, they can punch, they can twirl,

they can cartwheel down a moving truck and beat the shit out of a full-grown man that looks like he spent his whole life bodybuilding in a gym. Some old bag with gray hairs can somehow beat the shit out of these guys, along with the pretty girls in the back of the truck, and Charlize Theron, who has one. hand. Oh, man, I'm with you, Bri. I'm with you. It's got to stop. And they got to stop pusifying the men. You can tell they actually toned down his toughness. And as a result,

I just, I felt like Max wasn't even in the movie. You didn't even need him. He didn't even do anything. He was a follower, not a leader. That's fine. If you want to make a movie called She-Hulk or Red Sonja Or you know Fantastic 4 where we already know that you know Sue Richards is the

invisible woman and she's part of a superhero team I get it She's got special powers But I can't go watch the Avengers And see See that girl The Black Widow I mean you got the Hulk

You got Iron Man You got Thor who's a god And then you got a chick in some yoga pants Who knows how to do some stunt rolls And throw a karate chop Somehow she's an Avenger, the Black Widow Ooh God forbid I interrupt her yoga class

It's just, oh, I'm as mad as you are, Brian. It's enough. And don't get me wrong. love women. I love to see women in movies. But make it organic. Make, make them earn it. Make them belong. Okay. Give them their movie. Give men their movies. Okay. Let there be movies with men where they're being men and let women be women. And sometimes they cross over. But stop forcing it. That's what I'm getting mad about. I'm not against women. I'm against you forcing it and trying to create this false reality that women are so strong and can, you know, beat the shit out of

full grown men who are, you know, 300 pounds heavier than them. And it's just, I don't, I don't buy it. It's the same way I don't buy, you know, certain things in movies, like if you showed me a four-year-old kid go up and beat up a lion. Yeah, right, I'm not buying it. It just doesn't work, man. Now, here's a situation. Maybe I can give you a situation when you're saying, well, what do you mean organic? Why can't a woman be strong?

Why can't a woman kick ass? She can. Let me give you one of my favorite examples. Terminator 2. Okay? Here's a movie about a woman, Linda Hamilton, who in Terminator 1, was victimized by Arnold Schwarzenegger the Terminator.

She had no idea that somewhere in the future, her son would be this warrior and that they'd come back through time and try to kill her. And she was vulnerable, she was a lady, she was a woman, she was still strong. At the very end of the movie, she had to defend herself and kill the Terminator just because she was backed into a corner.

I buy it. But in Terminator 2, it opens with her. her in a prison cell, and she's been in prison for, I don't know how many years. And she's got laser jet focus because she's seen the future. She had a window, a door into the future, and she knows the Terminators are coming. And she knows that they're coming to get her son and to get her. And like a strong, angry mother, she has laser focus, and she's focused in every second of the day. and her acting was great in this movie to portray this.

Every day she stued in her cell and thought, how do I beat the Terminator? And to stay strong, to stay mentally focused, she thought about a plan of escape and a plan of attack. And to be ready for the attack, she worked out. They show her in the movie doing chin-ups and push-ups and jogging on the spot and toning and cutting her body so that she's strong and she can kick ass.

there's an organic reason why she's this strong, incredible woman. And guess what, gang? When the Terminator shows up and she's got a kick ass, I totally buy it. I loved it. I get it. I believed that she was strong. I believe she had the will to be strong. I believe she had the motivation to be a strong, powerful, leading woman.

And she kicked ass and she dominated. part of that movie. It worked. But nowadays, it just seems like they're throwing women characters in there without really explaining it. Suddenly, they're just more dominant. They're more powerful than men. And on top of that, they're making men more pussyish. They're making them subservient. They're making them all cry. They're giving them the Charlize Theron acting school treatment, their eyes are watering and they're weeping and, you know, I just don't buy it when a woman, and let's not mince words here, gang, okay, when a woman drives by in a truck and reaches in a window and pulls a full-grown man up off the ground moving at 40 miles an hour with one arm,

I just don't buy it. Now, if a guy does it, maybe I buy it. I buy it. believe it more. Men have that strength. I'm not talking superhuman, but it's just enough, enough, enough. I agree, Brian.

I thought it ruined the movie because they took the movie away from Max. I barely knew who Max was in this movie. He barely talked. He barely took a leadership role. In fact, it seemed like the whole movie just wanted to get away

from all these women. And at one point, did. At one point, he just said, yeah, you go ahead. I'm staying here. And then, of course, he ended up chasing him down. And at the end of the movie, again, spoiler, I'm hoping you've all seen the movie by now. At the end of the movie, you know, he wanders away into the throngs of desperate human beings. Well, Charlize Theron rises to the top of power. I don't know. know how. She had a mortal wound. Someone took about a 14-inch blade and stabbed her through the abdomen and through the ribs, but it seems like she's up and walking around okay in a world where they don't even have first aid kits. She seemed okay, but I guess she would be. She's such

a strong woman. She's such a strong, one-handed, rifle-totin, UFC champion. kick-ass woman. Oh, brother. Call me old-fashioned man. Maybe I like the idea of a man coming to the rescue of a woman in a movie. I like the idea of a man using his strength to save a woman. And just because a man saves a woman doesn't say across the board that women are helpless and can't defend themselves and don't know how to.

think for themselves, that's like sexist in itself to say that. But to not acknowledge the femininity of a woman and maybe that a woman is more delicate in most situations, again, women can kick ass if they need to, but I like the idea of a man coming to the rescue. I don't mind a woman helping out, but don't reverse the roles, man. doesn't work for me for me you guys might love it i might be i might be the only guy in there me and brian might be the only guys in the room who are screaming at the top of the trees for this shit to stop but either way me and brian are standing by it and i i don't think brian's a

woman hater i'm not a woman hater but there's a time and a place for the women to have the role where they're clearly the hero or they're the dominant figure in the movie and there's a time when it should be the man and it feels like every second movie i go to now they're forcing they're forcing this whole strong woman thing well it's it's it's not working it needs to stop because what you you're doing is you're chasing people like me away from going to the movies I want to see a guy kick some ass okay so there it is boy that was a long rant that was like a 20 minute rant right there

but I had to get my buddy Brian some love way down there in Dallas Texas I had to get my man's bat because I could tell by his voice that man be hurting that man be hurting real deep now Anyway, I needed to vent a little bit. Thanks for listening.

Bye. You're welcome, E.R. Thanks for listening. Bye. Poor little Eeyore. And by the way, I got to say it again, because I know I'm going to hear it from people. We're not women bashing. Okay?

Ladies, if you have a strong argument about something else that has to do with genders or the sexes, I'm willing to step up, but in this instant, this instance, I should say, for women, it's not working for me. There's many other instances where things for women work and don't work for men. There's enough to go around in any situation, but come on. Let us have our action heroes, man. Let us have our manly, manly heroes. I don't want, if I ever have a kid, I don't want him growing up where he's going. Daddy, someday I hope I'm like a full-grown woman.

Billy? When am I going to be able to be like a full-grown woman and beat up the other boys? Billy. Daddy, can you cut my arm off so I can be a strong, strong woman and be a truck driver one day, Daddy? Billy! Don't yell at me, Daddy. I'm sensitive. Oh, God.

So there you go. Let's leave it right there. And Hollywood, let's try and do a better job, okay? All right. All right. Well, let's move along. I think we've rambled on about that long enough. But let's keep it on the topic of women.

This is, you know, why not? We're in the zone. We're in the woman zone. There was a big article in Time magazine just recently that was talking about how young women in society today through social media and through the Internet have discovered that, Young women are becoming much more belligerent.

Studies are finding that they're not as well-mannered, plight or courteous as they were just a decade ago. This was a study done by the – let's see, this was out of New York, a study done at the University of Ithaca. and it's a sociology study that was done by their sociology department. And, yeah, according to Time magazine, just young women are not the plight little ladies that they used to be. And on that note, to comment on that, we have a call in. Roger, is she ready? Okay, good. We have a call into the Sally Struthers Institute.

for young women. It's a school, a facility not far from Ithaca in New York. And Sally Struthers is the headmistress who runs the institution, not institution, the institute, I should say. And she's up there, and she's going to tell us about what they're doing up there and what their approach to, I guess, manners. an etiquette for young woman heading into the next decade. And just a little side note, for those of you that don't know the name, Sally Struthers,

there was a sitcom on the air back in the 70s called All in the Family, and Sally Struthers played the lovable daughter of the crumagony Archie Bunker on All in the Family. obviously Sally has started a new career path opening the Sally Struthers Institute for Young Women She's there, let's put her through Hello, Sally, how are you? Hi, hi, Lynn, how are you? Well, just doing great, just wonderful to have you

on the podcast, always been a big fan. Oh, thank you very much. That just seems like so long ago, so long ago, that I was on the all in the family show. Yes, it was a long time ago, but we're glad you're here now to discuss this topic. And it's very timely. It's very timely because we feel at the Sally Struthers Institute for young women

that young women are hurting their own chances at a productive future by acting out, by misbehaving, by being a belligerent, by being aggressive and really not putting a good face on the period in their lives when they should be a polite and a well-presented young woman. Interesting, interesting approach, because it feels like that's something that's been kind of sliding, that nobody's, you know, keeping a handle on and nobody's taking, you know, older generations aren't taking the time of the interest, to help guide these young women.

Absolutely. These are formative years for these girls, and, you know, they're going through a period in their life, and where they're not sure about what's what. They don't know so much what manners are, what etiquette is, and so sometimes we all need a helping hand. And, you know, decades ago, we had strong parental figures

that weren't afraid to use discipline, that weren't afraid to lay down the law, and kind of coach a young woman on how to present himself in the public and how to be polite and how to show manners and show respect for the elders and whatnot. And I wanted that seems to be going out the window today, Holland. Yes, you know, I'm not ganging up on young girls, but, you know, you see a lot more of it. There just seems to be this level of kind of screw everyone else. I'm in this for me.

Absolutely. And that's what we're all about. We're based in discipline here at the Sally Struthers Institute for Young Women. Can you give us an example for Sally? You know, let's just say, for example, in the classroom, you are teaching a curriculum up there. Oh, yes, we're a fully certified school. We teach all courses, all levels, right up to grade 12. and we do make sure that all our girls, our young women, are in uniform.

So nobody can stand out. We discourage prima donnaism, and everyone's in a uniform state of mind, learning, growing, and moving into ladyhood, if you will, together. Together is a herd, almost like a herd of caribou running across the tundra. Our girls are running together. Okay. And how on any given day do you administer discipline to help perpetuate good values? Well, let me give you an example.

You know, if we catch a girl talking, if there's a teacher up giving a lesson, an English teacher reading or writing something on the chalkboard, if we catch a girl talking in the class, the teacher will slowly drift down the aisle of young girls. Okay. And kind of a nonchalantly circle around behind them. Okay, I got you. And then walk up to the perpetrator.

Whoever the girl is that's chatting and talking out of line, our teachers, our professors are instructed to stick their fingernails and their fingers into the back of a girl's head. Um... Yeah, right into her hair and just grab the back of her head and slam it right down onto the desk, face first, so the face goes right into the front of the desk. Oh, um, you mean like, like, did they... Just how it sounds all, and you grab them, right in the back of the head, grab a clump of head, just like you're pulling a wet dog out of a swimming pool, if you will.

And you just get the back of their head and you slam it right down, slam it. You just slam it right down into the end of the top of the desk. and sometimes you have to repeat it two or three times. Maybe, you know, you'll just go slam, slam, slam, slam, right into the desk, and it hugely sets them up. Um, well, okay, uh, I mean, is there no way to verbally reprimand the young ladies? Well, you know, words are words, Holland, you know, I think we, you know, I think William Shakespeare once said, Woyd's is just Woyds.

Woyd's is just Woyd's Something like that And so We're beyond words At the Sally Struthers Institute for young women What we like to do

Is we like to have a more Physical approach So that we feel the lessons Get through quicker Okay We feel like we expedite the lessons If we use a little Physicality

And by the way When our young girls Come into the Institute There's a full disclosure and the parents have to sign a waiver so that we may discipline the young women, the young girls, in the manner that we feel will be most effective to prepare them for a much better life. Okay, I guess so.

It sounds a little extreme, Sally. Well, that's why, you know, with all due respect, Holland, that's why I'm here and I'm the headmistress of the Sally Struthers Institute for young women, and that's why you're doing, What is this thing? It's a podcast. And what's that? Sort of like a radio thing or something? I guess so.

But not good enough to be a radio thing. Well, I don't know that you need to say that. Well, anyway, Sal and so we're working wonders here and the girl. But are these girls, I mean, I picture a girl having her head aggressively slammed into the desk. Is her face bleeding? Is her... Well, we get broken. We get popped lips, we've had a couple of broken jawbones, but you have to ask yourself,

and that's what we say to the parents, what's the price you're willing to pay today, okay, Holland, operative word today, to have a brighter tomorrow. Okay, so if you have to take a few face slams into a desk, but somewhere down the road you become a CEO of a major company, you know, are you going to look back and cry in your bowl of, you know, lucky jobs? I don't think so. Interesting. Interesting.

Well, let's move on into, let's say, out of the classroom and into a more social setting. Are you preparing your women for when they do get out into the workplace, when they do get beyond their school days and have to function in the real world, be part of the rat race? Absolutely, Holland. We prepare all our girls for. the future and one of the things we do at the dining hall is we continue our disciplinary actions and our activities when we're in the dining hall we have a very large dining hall and we've got

I think the dining hall at maximum capacity can fit 230 of us and that you know and that's including the faculty and the staff we have a teacher or a faculty member at the head of each table and at each table there's nine other seats three up each side and one at the opposite end So it's a very crowded, crowded dining hall, and it's an excellent environment for us to teach the girls' table manners, etiquette, et cetera. I mean, let's face it, they're all going to be out there in the workforce. They're going to be, you know, attending dinners. They're going to be going to restaurants. They're going to be, you know, breaking deals over a buffet.

You know, so. So what do you do? Well, again, if we see one of our girls, our young ladies, sitting at the table, table maybe her legs are uncrossed maybe she's got her fork where her knife should be maybe she's eating something with her fingers maybe she didn't say excuse me when she reached for the glass of milk you know these types of things we will throw in some discipline so that they don't do it again you know we don't want them to repeat that behavior okay so for example if if a girl is let's say talking with her mouthful. Obviously that's

considered rude and not good table manners. What is the discipline for something like that? It's funny. It's so funny you should pick that one of all things two days ago. Belinda Davis from Philadelphia, her mother

and father, they're very well to do. They own a textile company up there and they sent their daughter. She's a little rough around the edges, but still sweet as a little angel. And she was sitting there. We having mashed potatoes and pork chops for dinner two nights ago, Holland, and she started talking with a mouthful, and I stood up.

I was two tables over, I caught it, I could see it, I've got an eye for these things, and I stood up, I walked right over to her table, okay? Yes. I grabbed the cauldron of hot gravy because some people like hot gravy on the mashed potatoes. Who doesn't? And what I did is I grabbed it by the back of the hair with one hand, and with the other hand, I poured the gravy right down her young cleavage.

I'm sorry? The young cleavage, she hadn't really developed large breasts. She had little, you know, tiny-sized breasts on a scale of one to ten, they were at a two and a half. Oh, my God. But nonetheless, there was a little cleavage there, and I poured, I must have been the whole gravy boat, right down in between, if I can say this, Holland, her girly titty. Well, I don't know that you should say that.

Well, we're just, you know, we're talking. This is a staff room talk. Okay, well, I don't know if that's appropriate. So I poured the, this gravy was steaming, and there was some mushrooms in it, and just poured it right down, and she's, of course, she screamed like a hyena with a stick up its ass, Arlen, but, you know, I've never seen her, and it's only been a day, another two days. I've never seen a talk with a mouthful again, I'll tell you that much. Oh, um...

Okay, uh, I guess. I guess. And, you know, if we get a girl that spills milk, for God's sake, or gets up from the table without putting a chair and we will just grab that girl from the back of the head. Again, we like to grab the hair. Yeah, you really like to stick your fingers into the back of their heads. It's a great place. It's like grabbing a bowling ball, Holland.

And what we do, if we spot any, you know, kind of, um, a faux pie, if you will, And what we do is we grab them by there, and we stick their head in their plate and grind their face around in the food. Whether it's cauliflower, lasagna, we don't care what it is. We'll just grind their face right into the food. Have you ever had a puppy? Yes. Have you ever had your puppy do a shit right on the floor? If you can watch the language.

And when you get the puppy, you have to grind his face right in his own feces, so he breaks the habit. Okay, I think I see where this is going. on Sally. Exactly, Holland. We just grind the face right in the food. And it seems to, you know, really clear up any bad table habits very quickly. All right, what's this thing I saw in the Time magazine article? The Toilet Police? Oh, my goodness. You know, if there's one place where a lady needs to be a lady, it's in the restroom. It's in the toilet. And, you know, we want our women. We want our girls to grow up to be pristine. We want them to be polite. We want them to be well-educated. We want people to look at our graduates and go, and there. And I'm getting a little emotional,

Holland. There goes a walking piece of perfection. You hear what I'm saying, Holland, a walking piece of perfection. Okay, I am hearing you, but what is the toilet police? Well, we don't believe, Holland, that a woman should pass gas. Oh, wait a minute. Women farting is not ladylike. It's not acceptable in the Sally Struthers Institute for young women. So we have toilet police. What does that mean exactly?

Well, we have monitors in the girls' bathrooms, and if we hear the girls pop a fart or blow a log cabin cruncher. A log cabin cruncher? That's another staff room. code the term we use when a girl does a big fart. It's like a log cabin cruncher. I've never heard that before, Sally. Oh, there's all kinds.

We've got names. We've got the popcorn screamer. We've got the porcupine roll. We've got who bashed the baby seal. Now, that's a big one. We don't tolerate the... Who bashed the baby seal? Oh, yeah.

This is staff room talk. I mean, this is off the record, I hope. Well, you know, we are... So anyways, So we have the toilet police in there, and what we do is we stand in there and we listen. We listen, and if a girl pops a fart, okay, if she makes a sound from her bowels, which is not ladylike, no. We bring in a couple of the other girls, and we give the offender a rose bowl. What is a rose bowl, Sally?

Basically, we grab the girl who, you know, popped the boy. fought and we bend it down on her knees and we shove her head in the toilet and we flush it three times. Oh my God. Just three times and I'll tell you what, their assholes are quieter than a church mouse with masking tape on its little face. Okay. Why does your voice keep going deep there? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm running a bit of a cold and I'm sorry. Okay, well it's a little unsettling. Your voice seems to drop almost like you're excited. Holland, you know, a cold is a cold. Okay, boy, oh boy.

You know, this toilet police... And it doesn't in there, if we have repeat offenders, Holland, if girls who want to become women are not using the toilet properly, if they're not using it in the Sally Struthers Institute for Young Women Way, we take it to another level. What is that, I'm almost afraid to ask? Well, what we do is. is we take the girls out into the front yard, okay,

and we make them stand with their arms out holding bricks, and they have to pee in the grass. Oh, my God! And if they're really, really having trouble controlling the bowels, we make them pee squatting over a hornet's nest. Oh, my God, your voice just did it again. I'm sorry? Yeah, when you said, did you say they pee over a hornet's nest?

A hornet's nest. That's right. Sally, I You know, I'm not sure I think you might be going a step too far Well, you know Holland, I'm a head mistress And you're a washed up radio

Wait a minute, easy You know this podcast thing Okay, you know So anyways Holland I've got to get running I've got some girls to attempt to Here at the Sally Struthers Institute For Young Woman As you can hear I'm out in the school

You hang on a second Oh my God One of the girls is lighting up a cigarette. Hang on, hang on, I'm... Hang on while I pick up this rock. I'm picking up... What are you doing? I'm... I'm picking up a rock.

In fact, I think it's a half a brick or something. It must have fallen off the... Hold on a sec. What are you doing? Hold on. I'm throwing this rock. Hang on. Hey! Hey, asshole!

Ugh! Ah! Oh, I got it right in the side of the fucking head. The cigarette fell right out of a... mouth. See, this is what we do with the Sally Struthers Institute for Young Women. Hold on a second. I need to talk to you. I've got to run, Arland. Thank you so much for all your support and all you young ladies out there. Sleep the fuck up.

Wait, hang on. Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. Don't let her hang up. Whoa. Whoa. Roger, did you hear that maniac? That would, it was downright up, uh, startling. what is going on here is she gone oh my god wow that that was most unorthodox i don't i don't think i agree with any of her methods um and i you know if i had a daughter i would not uh would not want her attending the sallie struthers institute for young women and i'll just leave it at that wow I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. Okay, let's leave it there.

We've kind of, you know, dealt with Mad Max. We've dealt with women in the movies. We've dealt with young girls being disciplined. Kind of a woman-themed show today. But let me close and say, just so there's no misinterpretation, love the women, love strong, you know, women figures. Nothing against that. But as I said in my earlier thing, look, some things, let them be men things and let there be women things.

Let there be roles for men, let there be roles for women. Okay? It's that simple. There's nothing wrong with, especially in the fantasy world of movie. Let men have heroes and villains and whatever that are men, if that's what they want. So there you go. Good, good conversation. If you have any objecting points of view, you can always call in and let me have it, let me hear it.

Or maybe you agree with me and Brian. But either way, that's where I sit on it. 323-739-4330. If you want to leave me a voicemail, or you can write me at harlomwilliams.com on the contact page and maybe we'll read your letter on the podcast. So that's it for today. Thank you for being here.

If you want to catch me live coming up in June, have a couple of great stand-up comedy gigs coming up. I'm going to be in Ontario, California, at the improv, June 11th to the 14th. Last time I was out there last year, sold the damn thing out every damn night. So get your tickets. Don't be disappointed. You can go to Harlem Williams.com and get your tickets. There's a link there, and you can pre-order.

right there the following weekend i'll be in houston texas oh yeah what's up y'all houston texas uh doing the improv in houston texas great club beautiful town i love it popadose here i come popadose seafood oh the best um so yeah get out there and see that well you're at harlot williams dot com checking out the uh stand-up comedy schedule out the store. We have t-shirts. We have DVDs. We have comedy specials. We have music. We have digital downloads. We have books. We have all kinds of wacky stuff to put a smile on your face. And that's it. I hope you're having a good one. And keep it real in the deal. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby.

Swam! Swam! Swam! Right into the desk and it hugely shuts them up!