The Harland Highway - 677 - The LOCH NESS monster finally captured! Exclusive scoop and interview.

Episode Date: May 28, 2015

The elusive Loch Ness Monster has finally been caught. The Harland Highway scoops very first interview with the team that caught him. Also more feedback on the Schlitzy haircut. And, do you suffer from fruit and vegetable guilt, we discuss. Peel my wheel!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Rice, errone, the San Francisco treat. Oh, hey, gang, how are you? Welcome to the show, to the podcast. This is the Harland Highway. I'm Harlan Williams, and if you detect a little giggle in my voice, it's because I'm super excited. Oh, my God, this is unbelievable. The Loch Ness Monster has been captured.

Nessie, the famed, fabled monster from Scotland, and we are the first people on the planet to get an exclusive interview with the fishermen who pulled Nessie into his boat. I'm so excited. I can't wait to talk to this guy. Unbelievable. We had to shell out some major bucks to get this interview,

but it is worth, this is historic. So I'm trying to contain myself. So get ready for one of the most incredible interviews ever. They've captured the Loch Ness Monster. Also, we're going to be talking about guilt. Not the type of guilt you'd think, but fresh produce guilt. I know it's a little ambiguous, but allow me to explain as we get into the podcast. Think about it.

Fresh produce guilt. Hmm. I will be talking about that. Plus, some more people weigh in on the schlitsy hairstyle. The little ponytail men are putting on top of their heads. They're not happy. Neither was I. But this podcast will make you happy.

This is the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me. What is he like? What's he going, anyway? Oh, he's an angel.

He's an angel. He's an angel. He's going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect the guy that jiggle-on? It's over, Jenny. It's over.

Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive.

I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money's worth. Believe me. Oh, my God, oh my God. What an exciting way to start the show. Roger, I'm bowing down to you right now.

Folks, I don't know if you can hear the excitement in my voice. I'm like a little school kid. I think this is the most fascinating story we've ever covered. And we got a scoop. We got a scoop. We beat everyone else to the punch. We beat the big news networks. We beat every other podcast.

Apparently, a fisherman in Scotland has, captured the Loch Ness monster. I guess the monster has finally expired and floated to the top of the water. And it was pulled in by a local fisherman who's been fishing there for decades. And we're the first ones to get him on the air. And oh my God, I'm so excited, Roger. Roger's working on getting him dialed up right now. And we're going to be talking to him live about the whole experience,

the mystery of Nessie, the Lockman. Loch Ness Monster finally uncovered. You got him, Raj? You got him on the line? Okay, let's go into it. Yeah, hit record. Let's do this. Okay, so it sounds like we're here with Ian McTavish calling in from Scotland,

and this is just a phenomenal, a phenomenal historic call we're having right now. I mean, for decades, even over, probably over a century, people have, have, you know, wondered about the validity, the reality of the Loch Ness Monster from Northern Scotland. And this gentleman says he's captured the famed Loch Nass Monster. We have him on the line. Ian McTavish from Scotland. How are you, Mr. McTavish?

I heard, how are you doing that, lad? Doing great, sir. You must be very excited. excited. Hey, Harland. We're very excited. I found the famed Loch Ness Monster we did. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Unbelievable. And I hardly know where to start. I know the whole town is going crazy, Harlan. It's unbelievable. I mean, I could never have imagined when I got up on that misty morning and went out in my fishing boat. I would capture the Loch Ness Monster. Wow, wow, wow, wow. So tell us the story. Tell us, you know, how this all unfolded.

Well, it was early morning, Harlan. They go out every morning in my fishing boat, except for Sundays, of course. That's the Lord's Day. Absolutely. And we're out there, we get up in the wee hours of the morning, Harlan. We get up at like five in the morning,

and we get the boat ready, we get her out in the mists, we get us sailing across the Loch Ness, and we start to drop the nets. We drop the nets and we catch the eels and the salmon and whatnot, whatever we can catch. My God. What, it sounds beautiful.

Aye, she's beautiful, Harland. There's nothing like the Scottish mist rolling across the old Loch Ness at 6 a.m. as the sun comes over the hill. I can just imagine, but please get on with how you capture the Loch Ness monster. We can't wait. Aye, Arland, I don't blame you. We were pulling in the nets. We just got the last net on the boat.

It was about three in the afternoon. Sun was high in the sky. And I just pulled the last net on the boat and I looked over and I'd say about maybe 25 feet off the stern of the boat. I saw something floating in the water. And I

was like, I've never seen something like that before. What could that be? Oh my God. I, Harland, so we slowly maneuvered the boat in reverse, and we came up on the nasty creature. Wow. And there it was, I guess finally old Nessie is rolled over in a grave. She died, and I guess that was the only way she was going to be caught, Harlan, is in her death. She must have, after all these years, perhaps over a century.

She's lost her life, and she rose up and floated to the surface. Oh my God, so she wasn't alive when you apprehended her. No, Harland, she was as lifeless as my ex-wife, Sharon. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. It's all right, God rest of the soul. But there was Nisie laying atop the surf, just bobbing in the waves, and a goat me nut out, and I scooped this Nessie up and pulled and dragged her onto the boat. Oh, my God. And is it huge?

Aye, it's probably the biggest one I've ever seen. Wow, wow. And can you describe? Oh, my God. This is unreal. Are you going to have pictures, by the way? I are. I'm working on getting some pictures out of Nessie and putting it up on the Internet. Oh, my God. So we really do have a scoop here. Absolutely, absolutely. By the way, I want to thank you for the $5,000.

your podcast sent to me. You got it. $5,000 is, look, I hate to say, you probably could have got $5 million from one of the big networks. We just happened to have a crack producer, Roger, who I'm giving the thumbs up to in the booth right now, was able to scoop this story.

Aye, Roger, he's a good man of good talking to him, Ireland. Well, we are just excited. So $5,000, you pull Nessie onto the boat. How does he fit? Well, it wasn't easy. It was a bit of a struggle, and some of the other shipmates were a bit apprehensive, as you can imagine, to pull the monster onto the boat. Oh, my God. Can you describe what it looked like?

Absolutely. It's just like people have described it. It's very, very long, very long and slippery and veins sticking out of it and just very, oh, it looks just very, very long and tubular. Very long and tubular, my God. And it's got two giant eyes lay at the end of its head, just two big giant round eyes and the wrinkly skin all around its eye socket. Wow, big giant eyes, and it's hard to tell it first which end was itch because it's like a serpent, you know, Ireland.

So at first it's like if you can imagine like a giant heel. Yeah, that's what, you know, all those famed pictures showed a very elongated, like, serpent-like creature. Aye, and at first we could figure out which end was rich. We weren't sure, but then we figured out, if you don't mind me seeing, Harland, we found his tiny little asshole on one end of him. Oh, okay, so, you know, technically his anus? Aye, it was a little tiny hole. You'd think a serpent that big would have a much bigger shite hole. Okay, can we just say anus? Whatever you want to call it, but it was a little tiny thing.

Real, real tiny. Almost look like the size, looks like a mouse turd can come out of that little tiny thing. Okay. And then on the other end, like I said, two giant round eyes. Oh, my God. And what else do we need to know? What color was this thing? Oh, it was just a bright, bright, wonderful.

fleshy pink color, Harlan. No, I thought it was like green and kind of like greenish and brownish. Oh, no, it's a ripe, bright pink, just like the cheeks on a little baby's face, a bright, healthy pink. Oh, okay, well, there you go. That's a surprise. So two giant eyes on one end, long and pink, and then a little anus on the... the back end?

Aye, Harland. Unbelievable. And it was just, the way it laid in the boat, the men were just marveling at the size of it. Well, how big is this thing? I'm actually surprised you were able to get Nessie up on your boat. I mean, you must have a big boat. Ah, no, not really, Holland. She's only a 22-foot.

Uh, your boat's only 22 feet long? Aye, Arlen, 22-foot. And there's a little cabin under. underneath with a, you know, a bathroom and a place where that men can, you know, lay down if they want to do. Oh, well, I thought Nessie was like, I mean, Nessie was perceived to be very big, like, like 50 to 100 feet long. Oh, no, she's not that big, Harlan. Okay, wow, well, that's a surprise. And you said you're able to pull it up with a net.

Was it a giant net? No, Arles just a standard fishing net. wait a minute so you pulled the Loch Ness monster out of the water with a standard fishing net and put it on the back of you how big is

is Nessie and well we measured it out officially from the big bulgy eyes on the end all the way to that little hole on the back end it was roughly about 12 inches

hold on hold on hold on hold on what was was 12 inches. It's tail? No, the whole, the whole monster. The whole monster was 12 inches long. Unbelievable, Arlen. We've never seen one that big in these parts.

Well, hold on a second. Now, we're talking about the Loch Ness Monster, aren't we? Oh, it's a monster, all right, Arlen. It even says it right on the bottom. It says right here there's a little imprint that monster made in Taiwan. What do you mean, monster made in Taiwan? Hang on, this looks like there's a small... Let me just clean some of this seaweed off right here.

Here we go, oh, okay, Harlan, there it says, pleasure monster, made in Taiwan. Pleasure Monster. That's why he says, Harlan, and it is a monster, my God. Wait a minute, what are we talking about here? You said there's two big eyes on the end. It's pink and it's tubular. and it's covered with veins. Oh, big pulsing veins, Arland.

They run up and down the shaft. They turn the little cap on the end with the little asshole in it. What do you mean a cap on the end? It's the weirdest thing you've ever seen, Arland. You've got the big giant monster eyes on one end, and down at the end,

the asshole is like it looks like a mushroom cap. Hold on. The pleasure monster. Hi, Arland. Oh, never seen anything. Just laying in the back of the boat in all its glory, glistening in the sun nonetheless. Hold on. I'm getting on the internet here. I'm looking up Loch Ness Monster. Okay, I'm typing in Nessie, Loch Ness Monster, Scottish Monster. Keep looking, Arlen. Okay, I'm typing in Pleasure. I don't see anything.

Jamie, pink pleasure monster made in Taiwan, Ireland. Okay, pink pleasure. Oh, my God. What's the matter, Holland? What the... Are you kidding me? Why is it, lad? What is it?

That's what I said, why is it, lad? You sound concerned. I'm on the internet. I'm looking at a... This is a dildo. What, what do you call it? It's a... Look, the pleasure monster is a pink dildo.

made in Taiwan, 1799, ships overnight. Oh, my God, Honour. So there's already some bishops of it up on the Internet. We must have a spy in our midst. Wait a second, McTavish. Aye, Holland. Are you telling me you found the Lochness monster floating in the water? I was just bobbing up and down on the set of fish.

As pink as a baby's ass. And you grabbed it in a net. Aye, Arlen, we grabbed it up in a net, we got it on the boat, and it's just laying here. Two big, fat eyes at the end of it. Those aren't eyes, McTavish. What the hell? Those are testicles, you idiot. What are you talking about, Arland?

That's a dild... You found a dildo floating on the lake, you... Moron? Well, what about the little asshole at the end, Arland? That's the uretha, you idiot. That's the whole... That's the... Are you an idiot?

That's the tip of the penis. That's the hole where urine comes out. Oh, my God. I thought it was the asshole, but you're telling me it's the pisshole. Would you stop it? What is wrong with you? Well, that's no way to be talking to a monster hunter. You're not a monster hunter, you idiot.

You found a... You found a dildo floating on top of the water in Lake Loch Ness. Nice try, Holland. Don't be jealous now. You know, if I were you, I'd dissent, Roger, hang up on this idiot. Holland, if you like, I can hold him up in my hands and take a picture to a selfie.

No, I don't want to see it. Holland, it's a real monster. Hang up on him. Oh, look at that thing. You can even bend it. It's very flexible. Oh, I just snapped and hit one of my sailors. Right in the face.

Oh, my goodness. Look at the rat. She's got a rash on his face out. I bent the sea monster down and it snapped back and hit him late in the eye. Looks like he's got a black eye. Oh, my God. Hang up on him. Oh, howling.

It's so shiny. God! Are you kidding me, Roger Boy, oh boy. You got to do some better research. The Loch Ness Monster. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Some ass wipe dropped their, is he gone? Some idiot dropped a dildo or threw a dildo in the water. And who knows how long it's been floating around? and this guy picks it up and thinks it's the Loch Ness monster.

You know, there's days, normally I'm ashamed of this show because I try and I try to get legitimate guests. I try to get people with interesting points of view, and I continually get these nutbags that really turn my listeners off. It's no wonder we only have five listeners. Really, sometimes. I wonder if I should carry on, Roger.

I really could use a little help here. A little help here. Ladies gentlemen, I apologize. I know I built this thing up. And boom. You know what? Go to a commercial. I need to decompress.

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And it's available in two fragrances or vinegar and water. The solution doctors recommend. With summer's eve, freshness has never been simpler. Fresh produce. Fresh produce. I'm sitting here eating some fresh produce, some raspberries. It can be precise. I know, right?

Nothing worse than listening to another human being eat. My apologies. Are you guilty of this? This drives me nuts, okay? I'll be out, or I'll be at home, or whatever, and I'll go, you know, I really got to eat healthier. I got to get some fresh produce. I need a pineapple in the house.

I need a watermelon in the fridge. I need apples in my fruit basket. I need berries. I need berries. I just read an article in Time magazine that blueberries prevent ever dying. If you eat blueberries, you will live to 700. You know, you read these studies.

Pomeranets. If I have a pomegranate, I'll never. get cancer oh my god I'm feeling a little cancery today someone get me a pomegranate oh my god oh oh oh um so I do it you know I want to feel better about my diet I want to I want to know that I'm getting some nutrients into me I want to get some some goodness some wholesomeness into my body you know we're all kind of trapped in the processed food world. So I'll do it.

I'll go on binges where I'll go out and I'll go to the grocery store. And I just did this recently. I bought a half a watermelon already cut. Okay. I bought a thing of pineapple slices. I bought raspberries, blackberries, and blueberries. and what happens as isn't what happens every time is I don't eat them

I'll maybe eat one of them or I'll eat a few of them but inevitably I always end up throwing away this fresh produce my fresh produce turns into rancid produce it's not like the processed food where you can just shove it on a shelf for 19 months Oh, yeah, there's a can of chef boyi ravioli I bought back in 1984. Might as well go through that. I don't got nothing else in the house. No, no, no.

The fresh produce is like, boom, boom, boom. It comes and goes quickly. And so I always buy it thinking, oh, I'll eat, you know, if I eat seven berries a day, if I eat 10 blueberries a day, and then 12 strawberries. a day. By Wednesday, everything will be gone. And it never works out. I feel so horrible, because when you buy fresh produce, it looks so good. It looks so tantalizing and fresh, and in your head, you're like, this was plucked right from nature.

Some people, you know, actually got down on their knees and plucked these right off the shrubs and the bushes. And they're fresh, and they're whole, and they're not in a can. and they're not frozen. They're right out of nature. It's if God delivered them right to this grocery store himself. And so you carry that with you, too. There's a bit of guilt.

There's a lot of guilt, actually, that you just let these fresh fruits and vegetables deteriorate. How many of you have a cauliflower in your fridge with black, cancer spots growing on it. And what's funny is you'll leave the man way past their expiration date out of guilt. It's called fresh produce guilt, ladies and gentlemen. You know that the damn cauliflower is no good anymore. You know that cauliflower isn't supposed to have black blotches on it.

It's white. You know that the pineapple shouldn't be a dimmed down yellow with like shades of green in it. You know that a peach shouldn't be that soft with brown marks on it, like age spots, but yet you keep it in there, think, well, I'll eat it. It's fresh fruit. I can't throw it away.

I mean, my goodness, it took the time out to grow, okay? It took all this time out to grow from a seed onto a tree. and it took the time and the effort to blossom and become plump and fresh and someone picked it and I come along and I'm supposed to ingest it and I did it and I'll be damned if I'm going to just throw it in the garbage

that's no way that's a waste of a life but that's the guilt man I hate it I'm the same way I'll keep fresh produce in my fridge I'll have celery that's supposed to be crispy and you pick it up and it actually bends over. You know how rigid celery. It's like hard. It's like crunch.

You ever pick up your celery like 13 days later and it just like bends over like a tree and a windstorm? Oh, God. The guilt. There's like a voice. There's like a fresh produce voice in your head. Arland, you wasted a whole bunch of celery. You bought it.

You brought it. You brought it home. You put it in your crisper, and you never ate one piece. Sorry. Oh, the guilt. Oh, the guilt. So, I don't know. That's why I'm picking up another raspberry right now.

I'm eating it. And, you know, I know it's not nice to eat into the microphone. But look, guys, I don't want the guilt. You don't want me to have the guilt. and so I'm going to eat them now while we're talking. I'm sorry. I mean, look at these nice big raspberries. Do you want this raspberry?

I'm holding in my fingers to go into the garbage can. Look at this raspberry. Look at all the little round, bulby things that pull it together. It's like an armadillo shell of fruitiness. And I'm putting it in my mouth, right? I don't know. And I'm sorry. Forgive me.

But I can't live with the guilt. I have things to do, and one of them is to record the podcast. And I don't have time for both, so I just combined them. This might be the fruitiest podcast you've ever tasted or heard or something. So there you go. I just thought I'd bring it up because I was concerned about it. I hope I'm not the only one. that has fresh produce guilt.

And it also goes for meats. You can bring home like a nice steak or a pork chop. And, well, I'll put this in the fridge. And tomorrow night is steak night. And what happens? On the way home, you stop in at Chick-fil-A. Well, like, that steak should be good till tomorrow. What happens the next night?

Eh, that steak might be a little iffy. Maybe I better go to Burger King tonight. And then by night five, you're like, that steak's definitely dumb, but I can't throw away a steak. That's a $6 steak. It'll be okay. Just let it sit in the fridge for a bit long. It's like this guilt.

So hopefully you're getting through it. I'm getting through it by, you know, I'm sorry you guys have to be privy to it. Here goes another one. Oh, just delicious. Now, are raspberry is supposed to be green and blue? And have fuzzy stuff on them? that looks like fur

because I bought these freshly picked raspberries only three and a half weeks ago can a raspberry go sour I don't feel so good I think I'm going to go vomit thanks for listening let me know a few

let me know a few of fresh produce guilt to 323-739 4-330. Call me. Let me know. Let me know.

Roger, go to another commercial. Oh. Hey, Ron, I just listened to your episode today about the Lopee haircut. And I went to Walmart after work, and I saw one first-hand. This Mexican guy was in the sport. pony tail on top of his head and I wanted to tell you. And yeah, Chris knew how stupid this guy looked. And when I walked past him, he glanced over to see if I was looking at him.

And I crossed his path a couple of times throughout the store. And he was like, look at me. And my stupid gay ponytail is fucking ridiculous. Wow. Okay. People still reacting to what I labeled the Schlitzy. That new haircut that a lot of guys are dawning nowadays, where they just put a little tiny ponytail on the very top of their skull. And I agree with the last listener. It looks... It's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, that. And if you get one, you... You sure it looks like a retard.

Yep, there you go. Or as this other caller... says no harland all i'm gonna say is the slitsy makes you look like shit see oh god and i apologize to you know if anyone who has the schlitsy but we're just i know we're being mean and judgmental okay it's a free world do what you want but in our opinion it doesn't cut it and we're trying to help you okay we're trying to we're being it's tough love we're being hard but we're trying to divert a disaster. We're trying to prevent you from putting that goofy little thing on top of your head and thinking you're really cool.

Meanwhile, everyone else is looking at you thinking you look like a moron. So we're trying to help you. We're trying to eradicate the schlitsy. Okay? So there you go. From us to you. We love you. One cheeseburger with everything coming up.

Rice, arroby, the San Francisco treat. Oh, what a treat. Rice, errone, the San Francisco tree. Oh, God. Let's talk about June stand-up comedy appearances, ladies and gentlemen. I think it's going to be fun. I think we're going to have a fun, June. I think we're going to have a fun June, Jenny.

My mama said June was a box of fun. Let's see, June 11th through the 14th, everybody. Get your toenail clippers out. I will be at the improv in Ontario, California, not Ontario, Canada, where I was born. Ontario, California, just outside of L.A. great comedy club it's at a huge one of those huge malls those modern malls

so you can make an afternoon of it you can go shop you can go eat then you can come to the show there'll be no lack of things to do out there in Ontario at the big mall last time out there last year sold out every damn show it was cray cray

so get your tickets man get in line get your ticket. We're going to make you laugh, player. So that's going to be a lot of fun. That's June 11th to the 14th, Ontario, California improv. And then the next weekend, June 18th to the 21st, Houston, Houston, Texas, where I shot the movie Rocket Man. Oh, the memories. So amazing. Houston, Texas, at the improv, June 18th to 21st. All those tickets are available at my website harlone williams dot com ladies and gentlemen um and uh just click on the uh stand-up tour link

and year-end you can order your tickets right there online don't want you to miss out on the fun uh while you're there uh subscribe to my youtube channel the button's right at the bottom you'll get all my latest wacky videos that i produce and shoot and have fun with um also check out our store. We've got crazy merchandise, man. We've got like crazy shirts and T-shirts and DVDs and digital downloads and books and whatnot. So yeah, please check that out. I think you'll find something you like in there. Good times. Good, good times. That's it. Tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway. Let them join in on the fun. Don't be afraid to call. in and leave your point of view or leave your message or leave your complaint or your compliment

or whatever you want to leave. That number is 323-739-43330 and you can also write me at the website. There's a contact page at harlom-Williams.com and also the phone numbers there if you didn't catch it this time. 3-2-3-739-43-30. and maybe your message or letter will make it on to the show. Yeah, just like this one. You know, Harlan, all I'm going to say is, the Slitsy makes you look like shit, see?

Wow, he's like the modern day WC Fields. Ah, yes. The Slitchie makes you look like shit, see? Ah, yes. But anyways, thanks for all your calls and letters, everybody. like I said, the number is 323-739-4-3-3-0. Lay something on us and maybe we'll put it on the show. That's it for now.

Peace, love, and happiness to all of you. Keep on smiling. Think positive. Do something positive this week. Be happy. Life is short. Enjoy yourself. Go get a milkshake.

Go get a little cup of ice cream. call a friend tell them a joke smile be happy push the negative stuff away and a year from now you won't even remember it and that's it until next time chicken chau-mean baby the slutsy makes you look like shit see