The Harland Highway - 678 - Preparing for the END OF THE WORLD. Harland does LIVE stand up.

Episode Date: June 1, 2015

Today we talk about a disaster hitting the planet. Are you prepared the way Harland is? Also, some big laughs as Harland plays one of his short stand up sets from the Improv. Bomb a bomb!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show, what a show, what a crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy show. Why am I crooning to you? Why am I trying to seduce you with my voice? Because maybe it's the end of the world. Maybe I'm trying to help you segue into the afterlife with a nice, throaty song. Is it the end of the world? Have you thought about? Is it the end of the world?

Is it the end of civilization? is at the end of things as we know it? It could be. And that's what I'm going to talk about today on the podcast. Hi, I'm Harland Williams. You're listening to the Harland Highway for as long as it's here. Who knows? Could be gone tomorrow.

We're going to discuss that today. We're going to discuss today. We're going to discuss tomorrow today. You know what I mean. Are you prepared? Are you prepared for an unexpected climactic, not climactic. Not climactic. That deals with the weather.

Climatic. No. Are you prepared for Armageddon? Are you prepared for a disaster? We're going to talk about that. It's going to be heavy but fun. And then on the other side of the coin, I'm going to be playing you some live stand-up comedy that I did just last night.

Incredible fun set. Just winging it with the crowd for 15 minutes. Try a new material. I'll tell you about it once we get deeper in to this Yin and Yang podcast. It's always crazy here on the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me.

What is he like? What's he poetic, anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect you got a chick-a-law, man?

It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird.

You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get you. money for us believe me the planet is being destroyed all around us using money to try to address that problem it's shooting yourself in the foot evolve or perish grow up or die

an entirely new level of human consciousness is needed right now or we're all dead mankind openly descends into world of blood Bloodshed without end. Dog eat dog until everything is killed. And the last man commits suicide or is poisoned, having all the toys. And they mean nothing. Well, there's a cheery way to start the old podcast. Armageddon, anyone?

Armageddon at table five? Yes, waiter, could I get a nice bowl of that fresh mushroom cloud soup? The special of the day? Yes, the Nagasaki chowder, yes. And can I get some Hiroshima rolls on the side? Sounds delicious. Are you one of these people that believe, you know, the end of the world, the end of times, the end of destruction? Do you believe it could all end?

Whether it be through disease, whether it be through war, whether it be through Mother Nature, whether it be a meteorite, whether it be lightning, whether you get herpes, I don't know. There's so many ways it could go. But I think, you know, I think most of us just wake up every day, especially in North America where life is good for the most part. I think we all wake up every day just, oh, there's the sun, there's the birds. I'm going to go to work. Maybe I'll hit McDonald's. Maybe I'll go to the gym.

Maybe I'll go to a movie. Let's go parasailing. God, I blew my throat out there. But what if, just in the blink of an eye, something went horrifically catastrophically wrong, which is the way it always happens. You know, when you think about earthquakes and tsunamis and floods and tornadoes,

they just kind of appear out of nowhere, right? Nobody saw the tsunami's coming. A lot of people don't see floods coming. Earthquakes, you don't know when they're hitting. Who knows what else? Who knows what other disasters await us out there in the universe that we've never even comprehended? I mean, we think we've got, well, there's black holes

and there's meteorites and there's, you know, this and that. But what if there's, you know, vast the universe? universe is? What if there's other things out there that haven't even entered our mind like uh, polyunoscopic koplonga groglers? And I just made that up, but who knows what it, it could be a form of floating seed that lands on the planet and grows as soon as it hits the soil and, and immediately giant, uh, plants grow and eat us? What if there's some kind of solar distant flare from a distant sun three trillion miles away that's been

traveling through the universe for the last 900 million years and it's finally going to hit our solar system and our planet and just like a flashbulb we're gone what if Kim Jong-ung just goes oh you know what I've been saying it for so long today I should finally do it I gotta stop procrastinating

you know I'm going to press the button and send 52 nuclear missile to my friend United States America. I feel so bad. I've been talking about it for so long. I just got to get up and do it. Thank God I watched Dr. Phil, and he motivate me. Goodbye, U.S. Ray. I mean, you don't know when it's coming.

Look at 9-11. Beautiful day. Gorgeous day. People just going to work, walking in the streets, flying on planes and next thing in the blink of an eye, no one saw coming, boom. And so to say someone's paranoid for thinking or planning about the end of the world

or the end of our civilization, it doesn't have to be the annihilation of our planet. The planet doesn't have to die. But our way of life, the civilization, humans might perish. Maybe some of us, there always seems to be some that survive. I'm already starting. Did you hear that? Maybe the virus is here. But is it paranoid? Is it wrong to, or to call someone paranoid if they prepare for it?

If they are planning for it? Are they negative people? Are they doomsdayers? because they built a bunker under their house that could help them survive for nine years because they stockpiled a bunch of food and a bunch of water because they bought a generator. Are they weird and creepy and paranoid? Or are they geniuses?

Well, I'll tell you what. If something happens and you're sitting there in the dark with a candle and you're freezing and you're eating your dog. And the guy next door is eating cream of wheat and a freeze-dried T-bone steak with a generator running all his utilities and his home is heated.

He's a genius, man. You're the dummy. But see, we never prep for that. It's like getting a flat tire in the car. You go out driving, I'm going to drive to the thing today. It'll be great. I'm going to the beach. Oh, man, I got a flat tire.

Now, if you knew you were going to get a flat tire, you'd go on a different road. You'd avoid the nail you were about to run over. And so I think a lot of us have this perception of, God, I really am getting a virus here. Just talking about it, I'm getting a virus. But I think people really do cast aspersions on these kind of, these doomsdaers that prepare.

Now, there's taking it too far, and then there's preparation. And, you know, someone who walks around carrying a cross and holding up signs, we're all doomed, the end is near. That's too much. But if you're just someone going about your daily routine, going about your life, and down in the garage you have some cases of water and some freeze-dried food, and 59 machine guns and a rocket launcher. Hello.

Oh, Charles, Nelson. Um, is that so dumb? Is that so paranoid? I don't know. I've been in situations where there's been blackouts where the power's gone out. And I'm like, man, I wish you had a generator. This has been two days.

I've been in situations where it's rained like crazy and things get flooded and you're like, uh-oh, what's going to happen? When does my house float away? And you hear about, you know, the rising threat of radical people in the world and you go, what day is the big thing happening? What day is the, you know what's he going to happen where our way of life is just eradicated in the blink of an eye? So one of the reasons I'm bringing all this up is because it was weird. I told you on a podcast just recently that I had this spontaneous idea.

I saw this ad late at night on TV for a company that sells like freeze-dried food, like powdered food, like space food or whatever it is. Let me grab the box here. Here we go. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet. for free and fast. Don't wait,

Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And it was like a survival kit. You can buy it for up to like two years, three years, four years. And I thought, you know, what? Why don't I have one of those? You just never know. I may never need it in my lifetime,

but should something happen? Who cares if I have something hidden up in my garage in a closet in my garage? A little box. It cost me 120 bucks. So I ordered it. I was having one of those days where I thought I'm going to be ahead of the curve. So I've got this box. Let me read it to you. One month emergency food supply. A hundred and twelve total servings of entrees, sides, and drinks for breakfast. Lunch and dinner ready to eat in minutes. Just add water. Extended shelf life.

Here's the shelf life. 25 years. Twenty five years. One month, one person, two servings per day. Plus sides and drinks. Fifteen second fast and easy preparation. Holy smokes. Be ready, be wise.

Here's what the box says. Some emergencies happen without warning. Have you gathered the supplies you and your family will need the most? And then they have an emergency checklist. And the first one is this box of food. The emergency food supply. Why? Then it says water, one gallon a day per person. Have you thought about that if your water got cut off?

What are you going to do? Drink your pool? You know, it's gray water, but my skin's turning white. Could that be the chlorine bleaching me? A first aid kit and a manual. Flashlight and extra batteries, extra clothing, emergency tool kit, matches and waterproof container blankets and bidding cash and coins I don't know do you want coins I guess if you have to roam the wasteland and look at vending

machines but at that point I'd just kick them in I don't want to be wandering the nuclear wasteland with coins jingling in my pocket that's not only is that going to be cumbersome and add weight but the predators that are looking to cannibalize me will hear me jingling. I'll be like a cat with a bell on his neck. Hey, Eddie, get ready. Hide behind the cactus. Here comes a wanderer. Oh, he looks good. I can see his ribs. Look at those meaty legs. Whistles and signals for help. I don't know. Does a whistle really work in the middle of a mushroom cloud? Over here. My skin is melting off my face. Help. My eyes sockets are empty.

My hair just burnt. My skin is shriveling up. Look, I've left a shadow, and I'm not even standing there anymore. Extra food. Well, why would I have extra food when I've got this? But I got to tell you, man, they got pictures of the food on the back, and it actually looks pretty good. They got brown sugar and maple mulberry. multi-grained cereal.

Twelve servings. They've got a picture of it. Look, you ever go to Denny's? And they've got pictures of the food because people at Denny's aren't that smart and they don't know what food looks like. So they put photographs in the menu. So it's a big bowl of

crunchy cereal with a blueberry on it. Apple cinnamon cereal. Crunchy granola. Chicken flavored noodle soup. accent on the word flavored I guess what else here this is fun tomato basil soup because you need you want you want

excuse me waiter the excuse me it's nuclear snowing outside and I'm rather chilly could you prepare me a nice bowl of tomato basil soup now not just basic tomato soup during the nuclear holocaust I'd prefer

some tomato basil while the nuclear snow falls on the ground and I prepare to make nuclear snow angels. This one's pretty good. Creamy pasta and vegetable rotini. This is like the Waldorf in a box. Southwest rice and beans. Well, once the world's been annihilated,

are there borders anymore? Does South and West even really matter? Savory stroganos. I don't think you need the funny little titles. When you're animalistic and you'd pretty much eat a dead turtle laying at the edge of a swamp, do you need the word savory? It's just, just call it crap. Give me crap.

Give me something to eat. I don't care what it is. Food. Potatoes and chicken flavored pop pie. Oh, yeah. I would maraud and murder for that during the nuclear war. waste land. Barbecue beans. I don't know. Do we really need the farts? Isn't it bad enough that a big bomb went off? Do we have to be doing bombs in our pants? Rice peelaf. They've got rice

pilaf here. They've got way milk. So I guess it's milk made out of way. What a great way to make milk. Stupid. And then lastly, 12 serving of orange delight, which looks like an orange juice. So it's probably like tang or, you know, powdery stuff. It's pretty good. This long-term emergency food supply package is an ideal way to help you prepare for the unexpected. Wow. So I guess now suddenly I'm one of these paranoid whack jobs but guess what well you're sitting there um making faces and rolling your eyes when that big tidal wave comes guess who's going to be sitting in his garage watching the world burn eating some delicious creamy pasta and vegetable rotini who's going to be

licking his lips with his savory stroganoff. Well, your skin is melting down at the bottom of my hill. That's right. Me. So let me open the box and tell you what it looks like. It's kind of interesting. So I'm opening the box, and it's just like little food packets. You can hear it crunchy.

You can hear what's this one? Oh, this is creamy pasta and vegetable rotini. And you hear it crinkling inside? And it's just like a little food envelope. Ready-made entree, just add boiling water. Pasta with carrots, zucchini, and peas, and a creamy chicken-flavored sauce. Four servings. Made in the USA.

Well, thank God for that. How inappropriate would that be if, let's say this was made in Korea or China or Russia? And it's a company, that was a country that just bombed us, that just blew us up. Hey, thanks for the mushroom clouds, and also thanks for the delicious stroganoff, too. Thank you. There's actually cooking directions on here. Remove oxygen absorber prior to preparation. What the hell is an oxygen absorb?

I guess they got something inside here that takes away any oxygen so it can't, age the food or cause mold or something. Bring four cups of water to a boil. Add contents of this package into boiling water and stir. So you better make sure you have water. Have you ever eaten a box of cereal without milk? You're like, oh man, I don't have milk, but I want my cereal, so you just start eating it and it's dry and horrible.

Imagine eating a bowl of creamy pasta and vegetable rotini dry? Turn off heat, cover, and let it. Let's stand for 12 to 15 minutes, stirring occasionally. Uncover and let cool for two to three minutes. Okay, you know what? These are the directions of someone who's cooking their food in a nice, civilized kitchen. Okay? We're talking about, you know, having a bonfire by a nuclear junkyard with clothes that are covered in oil.

Your skin is black with soot. and there's glowing eyes of nuclear distorted monsters and hyenas watching you cook from the bushes. You're not going to have time to finesse your meal. Just, Timmy, let the Stroghanov stand for a few minutes before we dig in. No. You ever throw a chunk of meat to a lion at a zoo? That's kind of what it looks like.

Here's the storage suggestion. product in a dry, cool, and dark location. Keep pouches in protective bucket. Okay, I guess now I got to go buy a protective bucket. Maybe I'll buy a Kentucky fried chicken bucket. I mean, that food should probably last 25 years. It's so full of crap. So there you go, gang.

I'm all set. Are you? I'm all set for the end. I'm going to go hide this in my garage. I'm not going to tell you where, because I don't want you people showing up at my house when the bombs go off or when the tsunami hit. No, no, no.

This is my food. I prepared. I paid $112 to keep myself alive. And if you're wondering what the food place is, I might as well share that. It's called the Wise Company, Quality Prepared Foods. So let's see if there's a, website here. Hang on. I don't see the website, but if you go on the internet and just type in

Wise Company, quality prepared foods, you'll probably, I think that's how I got to them. Again, I saw the commercial on television light one night. Um, and, uh, it was pretty wild. So there you go. old paranoid gym I'll be up on the hill eating well you run into a disaster and I guess my question is are you ready are you willing to put out a little

money to be prepared do you think it's stupid or you just like oh I don't want more stuff cluttering up my house or do you want to just put it somewhere and forget about it for 25 years and when the crap hits

the fan go thank God I listen to Old Harland. Thank God for him. He's a little angel. You know what? I'm so thankful. I'm going to invite him over for some orange magic mix and some granola and some savory stroganoff. Honey, light the candles. We're having guests tonight.

Harlan Williams is coming over. Billy, get outside and shovel the nuclear snow and put your skin back on. Bad boy. And, Sarah? Stop playing with your eyes. back in your burnt-out eye sockets. We have company. Harland Williams is coming over for Savory Stroganoff.

Please. Can we have some decorum around this empty shell of a house with no walls? Please. So there you go, gang. From me to you, a little preparation for the end of the world. When you believe

you're already dead and you got nothing to live for, you fight better than you've ever fought in your life when your backs to the wall that's the only time when humans actually choose to evolve at the moment of death at the moment when we face our destruction that's when the greatest leaps in human consciousness and the leaps of human heart take place okay okay enough cut cut cut cut it's an interesting perspective something to think about but enough with the doom and gloom Let's get back to the laughter, shall we? Shall we?

I'm going to play a clip for you. The other night I dropped by the Improv Comedy Club down in Hollywood, Hollywood, California player. And as I've told you before, that's a club where I jump up and kind of work on new material and, you know, experiment and try different things. It's a very loose, casual place for me to go. a lot of my stuff bombs because it's new and it's untried and some of it really clicks and so the recording I've got for you now is just me doing like a 15 minutes set down at the improv on a on a what night was it it was a Thursday night I jumped up at 10 o'clock and it's one of these these things where you know you never know who's going to show up right after I went off uh Damon wanes jumped up on stage and it's a lot of fun

but it's really the best way for guys like me stand-up comedians to work out new material because it's just a short set you're not really being paid much and you know it's kind of it's kind of just casual

and you're not billed as the headliner you're just kind of popping in and doing what we call a guest set so so this clip is a mixture of me doing new material maybe a couple of old these, but not, I think there's only one oldie in there. And, you know, talking with the crowd, dealing with the audience. And just to set it up, you'll hear me introduced as Tommy Twister.

When I do these kind of guest spots, I never go up under my real name. I never go up under credits. I just don't like all that stuff. I like to just go up anonymous and just see what I can get out of the crowd and not give them any preconceived notions of who I am or what I've done. just a guy they've never heard of. And, you know, once I'm up there, they usually recognize me. But that's the way I roll. And so here it is, Thursday night, me goofing around at the improv, just to prove it's not the end of the world.

Let's have some laughs. You know what? It's a good for a treat. Can we want to applaud. Thank you really. Can we want to give you around applause. Tony and Twister from Presto, everybody. Here's go for him.

Hey, gang, how are you, bud? Are you a professional? Anyone at all professional? That's my town, that's my town, that's my tiny little town. You guys are into onion and raisin festivals, that's my town. Come on down, have some fresh onions, salads and fresh raisin. Come on down. Come on down for some onions and raisins, eh?

Who wants some onions and raisins, eh? Everyone loves onions and raisins, eh? Great to be here at the hymn proof. What a delight, what a Turkish delight. Certainly you could look away, I'm going to show. Onions and raisins. I... I invented the cheesecake fat.

Cheesecake factory, recently. Anybody I'll go to the cheesecake a factory? Holy shit, huh? The cheesecake factory game? Should a restaurant have the name factory in it anywhere? I just picture like in a Taiwanese sweatshop. Look, a 14-year-old Cambodian kids in a back room getting whipped. You put some whole fucking liquor in my man.

Don't put some blueberry in there. Make it a cheesecake motherfucker, come on. Come on, more whipped a cream, like a pumpkin in a fucking pumpkin spice. Cheesecake, you know, fucker. You're not gone home for Christmas. Fucking whip up a cheesecake, little boy. Step on the back of your neck. That place is crazy, man, as the folks say today,

Crite, right? Man, if you could give me a chance, maybe one more truck. Man, that's not the jump of a pee. You've got to do a seven-pound shit. That's thing's going to release the crackin. But you ever go to the chase guy, factory, doll? Now, where are you from, God? Here. Here. Los Angeles.

I knew what you meant when you said here. Here. China. You ever stand a canoe up in your toilet and try to paddle to the roof? You will. You will. Shirley, you've been in the Cheesecake Factory, little darling, huh? Holy God, in heaven.

That menu, have you seen the menu at the Cheesecake Factory? It's only 120 pages long. Holy shit, it's such a big menu. There's advertisements in the middle of the menu. I was ordering between the appetizer and my main course, I bought a fucking dress. There is stuff. When you got a menu that big, there's stuff on there that you never even knew existed. Waitress, can I try the beluga fingers, please?

And how about the elk clit gumbo? How about that? That's a giant knocking menu. Did you know there's revelations in the back of that? You made it all fucking cheese, I mean, I'm raising cheese a cage. You fucking do it, or I put baby seed coat on your forehead and stomp on it. You get fucking baby seed coat of shelf bump great in your forehead. And then Santa Claus, come to your house, and not bring you any present

because you got baby street photo on your face. You make you put a whipped cream, dirty boy. Don't want to be a little Cambodian boy. You put a whip a cream, dirty boy. Take your finger out of your bottom and put the whipped cream. Uh, gang, we gotta stop with the selfies. It's, uh, gang, we gotta stop with the selfies. It's too much. for the guy. I can't take any more selfies. This self-indulgent, self-absorbed society we live in. Too much, man. Too much with the selfies, huh? And the girls with the fish lips.

And we stopped the fish. It was like Stephen Tyler sucked off a lemonade stand. So I'm like, enough with the selfies. This shouldn't even be called Selfie. You know what they should be called? Fuck you, right? You know what they are? Hey, here I am. Look at me. I'm with a baby lion at the zoo.

Click, you're not. Fuck you. Look at this. I'm skiing in the outfit, my rich friends. Click, fuck you in your cubicle. There's Aboriginal cultures that believe to have your picture taken. It sucks your soul right out of your body. They won't let you take pictures of them.

take pictures of them. I can't wait to see these selfie freaks, right? They're on selfie 7,532. It's just one too many. It's like, click, just a pile of skin laying on the ground on the fish lips on the top. And how in the name of sweet heaven all you girls have a selfie with a baby fucking tiger or a lion? I'm going to the fucking circus train derail somewhere. Every fucking third chick's there with a fucking baby cheetah or a fucking mountain lion sucking a fucking elephant trunk. I got lost.

Sorry, I got to have you got that one guy. Put the improve. That is home for Christmas. I love to suck water. I know there's a water shortage in California, but fuck you. There's a water shortage in California at night when I cry. I make sure no tears come out. Everyone's got the breaking point.

I had someone say something to me the other morning. Pissed me off. You probably hate it too, right? Someone's like, good morning. Have you had a good morning where they're not even fucking awake yet? yet and faces that look like a scarecrow, like a bat when shit in the middle of their face. His fucking smiles still get... Good morning.

Mornings aren't good. I acknowledge it's morning, but they're not good. Have any of you ever looked at yourself in the mirror in the morning? It's not good, is it? You look in the mirror, your hair's on fucking sideways, right? Looks like somebody found a wig behind a drag queen club. your face is all puffy like somehow in the middle of the night you acquired a peanut allergy you got big bags on your eyes that you're in a moit toy fight down in korea town in the middle of

the night fuck you got fucking god forbid you sleep on a crease on your pillow slip you got fucking lines all over your face like you're in a fucking knife fight behind denny's you got fucking drool crusted on the side of you fucking chin like someone's stuck in your room in the middle of the blowtorch and a grung roulet on your fucking thing your breath smells like i don't know garlic bread had an asshole morning's not good are they gang no not they're really not good they're bad You ever fart so hard, your asshole looks like an apple fritter? This is America.

Anyone here not from the United States of America tonight? Canada? What part, buddy? Vancouver. No, I'm at what street? What is it? 1.52. Brought, I needed the name, not the number. Now that you provided the number, we'll see you soon.

Be careful, a lot of guns here in the state. So if you could sit down in the middle of a show. You need to go real bad guy. If you jump up and down like that chick did, I'll let you go. Stand up and jump up and down. Shake the cracking around. I'm almost done, guy. Give me a little time. I'm almost done, okay? I'm sorry you don't like what I fucking do up here.

Fuck! Oh, sorry you don't like cheesecake material. I don't really like this guy. I think I'm going to take a fucking seven-pound cinnamon squirrel. How dare you, sir? How dare you? Someday I'm going to take you into the forest. I'm going to roll an old fucking log over guy, okay?

Underneath that log, there's going to be a fucking salamander, okay? I'm going to get that salamander and rub his little tiny cock, I wonder. Fuck, you too, man. Dude, this is America. A lot of guns here. People are terrified of guns. I came up with a great way to get out of anything in the world. out of anything in life. If you've got to go to the DMV, if you can't wait to be in a line somewhere, learn this noise, okay? Learn this noise, and you'll get whatever you want, you'll clear

the room, just... That's all you need. If you're on a date with a chick and it's not going well and she's just blabbing away, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She'll just fucking run, the whole restaurant around. You don't have to pay for your meal. You're just there alone. You're just there alone. with a fucking can and eating fucking onions and fucking oranges and shit. So if you could stop picking your hand of doing a show?

What are you doing? You're just picking your hand. Like, fucking cheeses, pull him a nail out. What about the fuck's going on there? Sorriasis, Willie. You're fucking picking skin flakes over here like a Ryan Osher's and got his clique stuck in her evolving door.

You all right, too? What's going on? Tell me real quick. I gotta get out of you. This guy's got to go shit. What's going on? Why were you picking your hand? Huh? I just had some shit on my hand. You have some shit on your hand. You ever hear the term toilet paper? Sure if you could look away in front of your hand. How are you, man? You're very beautiful. I love your eyes. I love your eyes.

They're very cat life. That's what you're going for. It's working. Meow. Is that turn you all? Okay, okay, I'll move on. How about you, guys? Last joke, and then I'm getting off, okay?

Fuck, the management wants me off so bad. You can smell it in this shit. I found out of dinosaurs when extinct. I'd be happy to know that dinosaurs were not killed by the Ice Age. the Ice Age. Dinosaurs were not destroyed by medias. Dinosaurs went extinct, because dinosaurs were eaten by rocks. Think about it. Every time he cut open a rock, there's a fucking diamond. Folks, happy holidays.

John Fless, thank you very much. Oh, yeah, there we go. There we go. So a little fun, little frolic, a little laughter. And I hope you enjoyed that little clip-erone. So interesting show, we had the yin and the yang. We did half the show about, you know, the end of days. And then the second half of the show was just,

giggles and laughs and having fun so there you go you can't say you didn't get both ends of the spectrum and if you do go eat some rice pee laugh so let's tidy it up let's do some announcements here now that we're at the end

okay drunks are bad okay let's see what am I doing here in June oh my god look at this June I'm going to be at the improv comedy club in Ontario California. It's just outside of L.A. Huge club. Great club. Last time we sold out every night.

So get your tickets well you can. I'm giving you ample warning. Ontario Improv in CA. Not Ontario, Canada, where I was born. Ontario, California. The improv from June 11th to the 14th. It's going to be a great show. And then the 4th. following weekend, you can catch me in Houston, Houston, Texas, at the improv in Houston from Thursday, June 18th to the 22nd, to the 21st. That's a Thursday through a Sunday. Great Town, Houston, Texas improv. And then coming up in July, I'll be at Levity Live in New York, New York City, not New York City, just outside of New York. And then I'm going to be doing the Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal in the summer.

That's coming up later on. It's July 23rd to the 25th. So a lot of great stuff this summer, man. Going to be a treat. And that's it. Please, if you want to write me, you can write me at harloughwilliams.com. You can phone me at 323-739-4330 and leave your thoughts and observation. your praise, your insults, your sexy voice, your scary voice, whatever you want.

Check out, well, you're at harlunwilliams.com, check out the store. We've got all kinds of fun presents and gifts and merch you can purchase. Please subscribe to my YouTube channel, which are the subscription buttons right there at the bottom on the home page. And you can see all my wacky videos that I put out. and also join me on Periscope. I am now on the app called Periscope at Harlan Williams. And I try to do a real funny little live thing of the jig, you know, every other day or every other or every day even.

And I think you'll get a kick out of it, man. It's amazing. It's a cool app. It's a live thing you watch through your phone. So wherever I am and where I am, wherever I'm talking to you from, it's live, and you can text me questions live in the moment and ask me stuff or make comments, and I try to keep my Periscope post funny. The other night I drove through a Wendy's drive-thru live, and I had like 800 people with me as I went through,

and I kind of verbally abused the person at the drive-thrundies. It was a ton of fun, big laughs. I did one the other day where I threw my Freddie Kruger doll in the microwave and melted cinnamon on his face so he looked like an apple crisp. All kinds of fun stuff. So don't miss out. Don't miss out.

Join my Periscope account. And also join my Twitter. They're linked. So if you go to at Harlan Williams, you'll be able to join Periscope and Twitter. So that's it. Hope you guys are good. Let's hope the end of the world doesn't happen anytime soon so we can keep on rolling down the Harland Highway.

But until then, happy rice pilaf and of course, freeze-dried chicken chau-main, baby.