The Harland Highway - 679 - Dating advice from Harland. Driving with your arm out the window.

Episode Date: June 4, 2015

A desperate Pavement Pounder calls Harland for dating advice. Driving with your arm out the window, stop it! A new form of social media emerges, we discuss. Arm in a barn!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, this is Dr. Phil. Welcome to the Harland Highway. No, I'm not Dr. Phil. I'm Harland Williams. This is the Harland Highway. But I feel like Dr. Phil, because today we have a pavement ponder that calls in and asks me for dating advice. And I've got to give it to him to the best of my ability.

Because I feel for the guy. He's in trouble. He needs someone to talk to. He needs some direction. He needs to get laid. So I'm going to. help them as much as I can, ladies and gentlemen. Also, we're going to be talking about something that involves you and your driving. There is something that many of us have done, many of us do

when we drive, that we shouldn't do because it's not really part of driving. It's not, I don't think it's legal, I don't think it's part of the acquiring your driver's license needs. It's just an extracurricular driving habit that many have that could be dangerous and definitely is kind of annoying. Also, I want to talk to you about a brand new technology that's out. It's new on the scene. It's the latest social media frenzy that's happening. And I got to tell you, this thing is a ton of fun. I've talked about it a little bit, but I'm going to go more into depth today on this great new app that you should have. So buckle in, put some cheese on your face. This is The Harland Highway

Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you I will please you all Believe me What is he like What's he going

Anyway Oh He's an angel He's an angel He's an angel Start from nothing You're gonna need a pig of pose You're listening to Harland Williams

Why don't you give me a name And a face And a reason why Oh man What do you expect The guy has chiggle-all man It's over, Jenny. It's over.

Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive.

I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money to us. Believe me. Yes, yes, yes, yes, here I am out the middle of the road. Can I just say something to all you drivers out there? I think you all know how a car works, okay?

I think you all know the rules of the road. I think you all know traffic. Can I just say that sticking your arm out the window is not part of your car is not part of the laws of traffic when you go for your driver's test shoving your arm out the window and frantically waving

or just sticking it out and holding your palm out it's not part of it okay sticking your arm out doesn't freeze time it's not that old like that old Twilight Zone episode where some guy finds a magic watch and he presses it at a little stopwatch and everyone freezes.

Okay, I had a guy. I was driving the other day. I was on a surface street. I was doing the speed limit like 40 or whatever it is. But on a surface street, it's, you know, that's a little bit of speed. And I'm driving down the road. There's traffic all around me.

and there's like a UPS truck. And the UPS truck is on the side of the road. He probably just dropped off some boxes. And I guess he decided he wanted to get back into traffic. And there's a little bit of traffic, so he decided he couldn't wait. And he's like, well, I'll stick my UPS arm out the window. Let me deliver this arm to the world.

And out comes his arm, and the guy starts pulling out into traffic. I didn't have time to slow down. I didn't have time to stop. It was like, wait, what's this guy doing? I had to kind of swerve around the guy a little bit. And he was already starting to move. Like, once he put the arm out, he was like, I don't even need to look. I don't even need to see what's coming.

I mean, I got the arm out, right? I got my hand out. Everything stops for the arm. Everybody frees my arm. arms out stop in the name of my arm you cannot proceed I will drive now you will watch I will have my way with the road my arm is out my fingers are splayed my palm is facing you it's a magical mystical arm everything must freeze no way buddy but that's how some people drive. Look, when you go buy

a new car, do you do a walk around? Well, there's four tires, there's the hubcaps, the lights work, the blinkers work. Oh, wait a minute, I can't buy this car. I don't see the human arms sticking off the side. Well, that's not really part of a vehicle, sir.

Oh, it's not, is it? Well, how am I supposed to freeze the world and just drive out into traffic or go wherever I want whenever I want to if I don't have a human arm sticking out? It should be right there by the rearview mirror. Uh, sir, that's not a real thing. Oh, it's not, is it?

Well, I'll have you know that when I was driving over here, I cut off a school bus, a Prius, and a Mustang when I was making the left turn into this car dealership. And, you know, I did it, I put my arm out the window, and I froze everything. I froze planet Earth. Okay, sir, if you wouldn't mind just going to a different dealership, you're freaking me out. Oh, I'll give you the arm. How about the finger on the end of my arm? arm i'll give you that too so if you could just leave um so i'm telling you man

easy easy with the arm and the hand and uh you know who gets to use it guys on motorcycles use it a bit that i get it that that's actually in the motorcycle handbook you're supposed to signal with your arm put your arm out and uh i guess you're allowed to do it if you're if your blinkers are broken, but I'm not talking about that. This isn't part of the blinker situation. I'm talking about the arm when it's just coming out willy-nilly

making up its own rules arm. I'm not talking about the rule arm or if you bend it up, you're turning left, and if you bend it down, you're turning right. And if you put it out straight, you're, you know, means you're not gay. But I'm talking about the wacky, wild west arm that just flies out the window and makes up its own rules excuse me stop going to

dairy queen wave wave wave flail fail fail flail drive through everybody move I mean come on man can you keep that damn damn arm in control there please maybe it'll keep us from having the wild finger shooting out the window the middle finger hey do you not see my arm over here yeah well you not see my middle finger yeah well I got a middle figure on the end of this arm yeah well I got another arm with another middle finger yeah I got another wild arm too I can give you two fingers yeah well I got four kids in the back and that's that's another 10 middle fingers well up up yours how about this how about I moon you here here's my ass

pressed against the window all right you win this round i mean good lord so control the wild arm stick to your signals and your real traffic rules of the road now i'm picturing for some reason uh an amputee or someone with the philidomide you know the philidomide arms from the same just picturing someone sticking a nub about the window hey coming through freeze everybody somebody you can't see my nub okay too far okay too far um but anyways keep keep control of your arm and just stick to the rules of the road okay thank you very very much put that finger down put that finger that middle finger down Failure to communicate.

Hello. Hello. Harlan, this is Robert calling from San Francisco. I'm actually from Vancouver, the real one, not the one in Washington, but the big one. In Canada, so you and I share that same heritage, my friend. So I've been down here in San Francisco about seven months, working in the tech industry. And as a fellow Canadian, think back to when you were first in L.A. in the early years, when people found out, let's say women found out that you were Canadian,

what's the first thing that you generally hear from Americans about us? I'll pause that for a second. In my case, 99% of the time, it's always, oh, my God, you're a Canadian? Oh, all Canadians are so nice, so nice. Now, it's not a bad thing, right? It's not a bad reputation to be known around the world for being nice people. good thing. You and I know it's probably not necessarily true. Every single community is a nice person, but it's not bad. But here's the problem.

I'm a single guy in San Francisco. Lots of lovely ladies here. But unfortunately, that, oh, you're so nice, seems to be a direct B-line into the dreaded friend zone. So, my fellow Canadian friend, who's being more experienced with the American ladies, what be your advice when you hear that comment from an eligible single woman? Thank you. Wow. Okay. This is some serious business right here, Guy. Holy. Rice errone, the San Francisco treat. Rice Aroni, the San Francisco treat. This is a complex one because, yes, it's, you know, Canadians do tend to be very nice and friendly. And as you said, they're not. all friendly. Every country has its a-holes. Every country has its dick wads. But on the whole, generally, across the country, and I've traveled across Canada my whole life a million times

doing stand-up comedy and going on vacations and fishing and Canadians have a very, you know, friendly disposition. They've got a very kind of, Hey, how are you going? Oh, great. Great to see you. Yeah, why don't we go down for a coffee there? And I heard David got a new toboggan there. I mean, it's not everyone's like a hoser, but just the general tone. Many Canadians are very polite there.

They're very well-mannered. They're, you know, which isn't to say there's not a fair share of morons, too. but overall, I agree with your statement. Now, when it comes to women, I can see your dilemma. You come down here to the United States, and maybe the women are a little more aggressive, or maybe they're not as used to a real friendly, nice Canadian guy like that? I don't know.

But it sounds like you're a friendly, nice guy, and you're frustrated because, as you said, your niceness is kind of maybe turning the girls away from you sexually and they're like oh, he's too nice, he's probably not very adventurous and bad

and he'd probably make a good buddy to go get a Starbucks with and probably be great to go to a movie with but he's a little too friendly for, you know, the old intercourse and so it's a dilemma because, you know, you never want to tone down your niceness

or your friendliness, who wants to be not friendly? Who wants to be an a-hole? But you've heard that old saying that, and I didn't create it, but you've heard it, and I think a lot of women would agree with me. I've heard women say it. A lot of times women, and I'll never understand why, and I'm not saying all women, but many women say they like it when a guy treats them bad or treats them like a dick,

or I don't know, they see it as a challenge, or it's, taps into their insecurities or whatever. Now, that being said, I can't go down that street. I don't believe in disrespecting anybody or treating anyone badly. But I've heard actual women say that to me. I've heard women say it about other men when I've been talking about dating. A lot of them say they're turned off by a nice guy because I guess they probably have this idea that it's not going to be too exciting when it starts to get intimate.

which probably isn't true, but if that's the way some women are wired, then what can you do about it? So in order to kind of cut through your nice guy facade, you know, you and you alone are the only one who can alter that, who can change that. And so what I would say to you, my advice to you, for what it's worth, I'm no Dr. Phil, although I look like him when I take my hair,

plugs off. My advice to you is to change it up because I'm guessing one of your dates looks like this. You go out and you're like, oh, hey, Sarah, hey, great to see and you talk and you have a nice time and you're nice from the minute you start to the minute you say good night. Hey, that was a great date. Thank you so much. I'd love to see you again. I bet it's somewhere in that wheelhouse.

I can sense it. but now you need to step into another mindset. Okay, now you've got to kind of go to a place where it's like, you know what, I'm not getting the results I want anyways when I go out on a date or when I'm asking a girl out. I'm not getting to that place I want to be, which sounds like I'm guessing it's probably more intimate, maybe more physical.

So the onus is on you to change up what you're doing, and without being mean, without hurting anyone, without, you know, making someone feel bad, maybe you need to change your approach and be a little more of a guy that isn't so nice. I found one tactic that always worked is, and why wouldn't it, but a lot of people are afraid to just say what's on their mind.

Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet. for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, I've had some experiences where I've just told a girl straight out what I want to do with her in a real nice way. I mean, it's still Canadian, but it's like, I'm not going to tell you. But I've said to girls, you know, girls I've just.

I've just met. And I'm not saying this happens with every girl, but it's happened with girls where I've just said, you know what? I'd like to take you home and do this, this, and this, and just, and see what happens. Either the crickets are going to chirp, or they're going to storm away,

or in my case, it's been very fruitful. It's been like, well, what the hell are we doing here? Let's go. And it takes courage. It's a little scary. It's a little nerve-wracking because you don't want to be disrespectful. You don't want to be like an animal. But we all have these primal instincts.

And it sounds like sometimes you just want to, you know, engage in something fun. And it doesn't have to be a relationship or marriage. But maybe you're looking to have a little one-night stand or something. People do it all the time. Probably everyone that's listening right now has had a one-night stand or two or 50. I don't know. Or maybe not.

But it's that old saying, you know, if you don't ask for it, you don't get it. And so I would ask you to kind of step out of the nice guy facade and don't be a prick. But just be yourself and be direct and say, you know what, we've had a couple drinks. What are we doing here? why don't we go do dot dot dot dot dot dot or just you know this one this one's a good segue

it's like let's just go get naked and if you throw the naked thing in because it's kind of soft it's not an aggressive thing it's very natural to be naked but but what happens with naked is if a girl nods her head and says yes i'd like to get naked well once you're naked everything else kind of falls into place, doesn't it? If you've gotten to the place of nudity together, it kind of means other stuff is going to happen. So if you're too conservative or too nervous to be graphic and say, you know, I'd like to kneel down and just, you know,

that can be, maybe that's too big of a step. But maybe try, you know, we should just go back, to the hotel. Let's get naked. What do you say me and you go back to your place? Let's just get naked. You know, and it's a little edgy. It's not, like I said, it's not too nasty or dirty. It's getting naked is a natural thing, but it's kind of a soft entrance way into, you know, getting naughty, but you don't come across as creepy or weird. Look, somehow you've got to get there.

We're all men, we're all women, and we all have to figure out a way to get there. But in my experience over the years, that's one way where you just cut through the BS. I mean, how many drinks can you have? How many stories about their dog or their family or their work can you hear? At some point, you just got to put the drink down and go, let's go get naked.

And chances are, you know, you're going to get there now are you going to get there on the first shot i don't know are you going to get there on the second i don't know but it sounds like you're kind of not striking out but in a way maybe you are a little and it's not because of you it's because maybe they're not getting a vibe off you that you're of that mindset because like i said that the nice guy can sometimes get in the way of the edgy fun kind of sexy guy guy right so the next time you want to hear that you're a nice guy is when you're in the throes of passion and you're laying on your back and she's on top of you riding and she's just

moaning and groaning and groaning and these are the words that come out of her mouth in the middle of the lovemaking oh my god you're a Canadian oh all Canadians are so nice so nice Oh, my God. So nice. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So nice. Oh, oh, oh, my God.

So nice. All Canadians are so nice. Rice. A rumy. The San Francisco tree. And there you go. You lay back. You light up a cigarette.

Or since you're Canadian, maybe light up like a three-hour fire log or something. Just smoke it with that content look on your face. You finally made it to hold. home base all because of your buddy harland williams here on the harland highway gave you some sound advice anyways dude honestly i wish you luck um but like i said maybe just uh be a little more aggressive kind of you know say what you want women like a guy that that kind of uh is in control and knows what he wants and if it doesn't work then it doesn't work then it doesn't work But like I said, you're no further behind in the game.

So try it on the next girl or try it on the next girl. But at some point, you've got to break away from this perception they have of you that you're just too nice to get the job done. So good luck and happy moans of ecstasy. Oh, oh, all Canadians are so nice. Oh, my God. But I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me.

to say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Oh, Lordy. Whatever, Clinton. I want to get back to you guys on something. I mentioned it a couple of times on the last few podcasts, but this thing's starting to grow a bit more. And I wanted to let you guys know who listen to make sure you download the app, because now it's available on Android, apparently. So it's available on Android and Apple, the app called Periscope. It's a fascinating new social media app, wherein your phone becomes a live camera for the world. And so basically, let's say you're sitting somewhere having dinner, and you turn on your phone and you press Periscope,

and basically whatever your phone can see, the world can see. and it's live it's not delayed it's not it's immediate it's live so some guy in australia or rome or russia could be watching you you know eat a pancake for breakfast and as you're doing your activities they can text you little these little scrolls come up on the image of what you're doing and you can read uh the scroll as it's coming up so people are like high from sydney high from India. Hey, tell us what the pancake tastes like. What kind of syrup are you using? Where are you? Is that a waffle house? It's really an interactive fun app. And the reason I'm telling you about it is because I want you to enjoy it, but also I want you to join my page, my Periscope page. And basically, I'm doing a lot of kind of wacky in the moment, improvised skisket. sketches and skits and tutorials and kind of like a lot of the stuff you get here on the harland excuse me i just i just swallowed a bug a lot of kind of similar to a lot of the nutty

stuff you get here on the harland highway except it's live in the moment and you can actually interact with me live in the moment so if there's anything you ever wanted to ask me or call me an idiot or say i think you're funny or why is your face crooked or whatever you want to do you can do it on Periscope. So the reason I'm telling you is I didn't want you to miss out on, I've been doing a lot of funny stuff. I did a thing where there was a giant, this disgusting giant beetle bug thing floating tits down in my swimming pool.

And I pulled them out and held them up to the camera and I put them on my face and people were like freaking out. And so that was a lot of fun. And then I did another one where I have a Freddie Kruger doll and I basically took him into the kitchen and put butter on his face and then covered him with cinnamon and threw him in my microwave.

And I basically kind of cooked like creme brule on Freddie Kruger's face, which already looks like creme brulee or apple crisp. Last night I did a periscope broadcast where I introduced my little roommate. I have this little roommate in my house. I don't like him. creepy. He's an old

1930s ventriloquist doll and his name's Little Coco. L-I-L-L-A-L-A-Postrophe Coco. And Little Coco is always causing trouble in my house and so I kind of film him when I catch him up to his hijinks. And so if you want to follow the adventures

of me and my creepy roommate, Lil Coco, you can do it. So, you know, that's why I'm plugging the periscope. And, you know, outside of what I'm doing, you're going to have a whole ton of fun. It's so amazing the things you can catch people doing. You know, the other night I got on it and it was, I don't know,

it was like midnight here in Los Angeles and I jumped on it. And I was like, oh, here's a headline. It says some people in Rome. So I clicked the button and suddenly I'm, through my phone, I am live in the streets of Rome, Rome, Italy with a bunch of teenagers who are just hanging out on a street corner having a beer and having a laugh. And it's so bizarre because you type in, you go, hey, hi from Hollywood, and they'll read your posts out loud.

They go, oh, hey, hi from Hollywood, Harland Williams. And all of a sudden, these people that didn't know you are suddenly saying your name out loud on the other side of the planet. And it's such a bizarre experience, but it's really fun. It's really interesting. And, you know, you can go on and see people, some people use. it, they'll be painting a picture. Some people will be singing. Some people just be sitting there smoking a joint. Some people will just be talking. Some people are just lonely and walking in

the street. It's a fascinating, fascinating app. I think it's going to change the social media landscape. We haven't really had anything that new and crazy since Twitter. And by the way, Twitter owns Periscope. So if you have a Twitter account, you can also have this. this but i don't think you need a twitter account to join so anyways just saying and if you do get periscope be sure you uh search my name harlund williams and click on there and subscribe to my periscope channel and then you'll be in on all my random um you know spur of the moment periscope um broadcasts so there you go something a little and a little uh information for you a little so you're in the know

and I hope you dig it I hope you dig it so that's it I'm going to leave it there that's our podcast for today we covered some good ground some dating advice some driving advice and some technology advice

today was like the advice show for you Miami advice Isn't that a police show? Miami advice? I don't know. But we'll leave it there. Let me do some announcements for you, gang. It's June, and next week I will be in Ontario, California.

That's right. Ontario, California. I will be there June 11th through the 14th. It's a great comedy club, Ontario, California. The last year we sold out every show. get your tickets now. Then the following weekend, I'll be in Houston, Texas, at the improv in Houston, Texas. That's June 18th to the 22nd.

And then in July, I'm going to be in New York's, New York, just outside of New York at Levity Live. It's a beautiful, huge club just outside of Manhattan. New York, Levity Live. And then later in July, July 23rd to the 25th, I'll be in Montreal at the Just for Laughs comedy festival. It's a huge, huge festival, tons of fun. And then later in August, I'm going to be at the Irvine Improv in Orange County, California. So much fun this summer.

So I hope I see you there. Just go to Harlandwilliams.com. Click on the stand-up comedy link, and you will be able to track and purchase tickets to all my shows. Also, while you're there, subscribe to my YouTube channel. where I post other videos that are already planned out and shot and edited. There's a link at the bottom of the homepage. Just click on that and you're in. You'll get my wacky videos whenever I post them.

Check out the store, harloweems.com. We have a store in there where you can buy some fun things, clothing and CDs and DVDs and digital downloads and T-shirts and all that stuff, books. All this stuff you need to survive. And that's it, man. I'm hoping you're digging the Harland Highway. Tell your friends about the Harland Highway. And for God's sakes, while you're on the Harland Highway,

keep your arm in the damn window. Please. Please, please, please. And above all else, be nice. Be Canadian. Be nice to everybody, you know. And the world is just going to be a nicer place. So that's it.

Hope you had a great time, gang. We will talk to you next time. And until then, chicken. Show me, baby. Oh, my God.