The Harland Highway - 680 - BBQ EDDY RETURNS. Harland does Jury duty. Baby abduction.

Episode Date: June 8, 2015

Harland does his very first jury duty, yikes. BBQ Eddy returns looking for some grill friends. Wait till you hear this baby abduction story, horrible! Baby with a rabie!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, have a banana. No, no, no, I mean, oh, have a podcast. That's what I meant to sing. Hey, everybody, Harland Williams here. And you're on the Harland Highway. Why am I singing? This is a talking format, not singing. Welcome.

Glad you're here today. We have an interesting show. Oh, my God. It's summertime. It's officially summertime, and Barbecue Eddie is back. barbecue eddie is phoning around looking for a place to uh to have a barbecue uh he might phone you so we're very excited you know it's summer when barbecue eddy starts phoning around looking for a place to do his ribs uh also i had to go in for jury duty for the first time

of my life oh my god i'm going to talk about that experience and how traumatic and annoying and imposing and all this stuff it was. Unbelievable. And then also a horrible story in the news. There's been an abduction. A baby was abducted, kidnapped, taken right out of its mothers, almost out of its mother's womb. It's a horrific, horrific story.

And you're going to hear it here today on the Harlan Highway. It's going to be a great podcast. Put your helmet on because it's the whole. Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me.

What is he like? What's he going? Anyway. Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel. He's going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect the guy to chigolo, man? It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Weird. Just plain weird. You're not me. I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money to us.

Believe me. You've listened to a long and complex case murder in the first degree. A premeditated murder is the most serious charge tried in our criminal courts. You're faced with a grave responsibility. Thank you, gentlemen. Oh, oh, you're very welcome. You're very welcome indeed, yes, yes. Okay.

So it finally happened to the kid. Oh, I got called in for jury duty. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Have any of you had to do it? Oh, my God. I'll be honest, gang. I'm not going to hedge around the bushes on this one. I did not want to do it. I was not looking forward to it. I know it's our civic duty. And as a judge said when we were there in the waiting room, you know, this country doesn't ask a lot of you. It doesn't ask a lot of you. You have many freedoms, and in return, we don't ask a lot of you.

and we don't ask a lot of you. So this is something you can give up. And I'm like, okay, she's got a point. I didn't argue that point. But still, I did not want to be there. And I guess it boiled down to this. It's like we all live busy lives. We've all got things to do.

And some of us make good choices and some of us make bad choices. And I was kind of like, and this could be considered a bad attitude, but I was kind of like I'm taking a day out of my life because some moron decided to go into a 7-Eleven and rob it because some moron doesn't want to play by the rules doesn't want to live within the system doesn't have the sense

or the compassion for other human beings to not rob them of their hard-earned money because this moron exists I lose a day of my law-abiding life. and I got to go sit in a courtroom and help decide his fate because he's a dipset. Now, that's the selfish version of me. The other version is, well, I guess it is my civic duty. And I'm happy to help.

I'm happy to weigh in on the situation. But I got to tell you, man, you know, when you get called in for jury duty selection, you're really like, oh, my God, you realize. how many things you have to do in life, how busy you are. There's so many other things you have to take care of. I don't know about the rest of you, but I happen to have things that I'm ballgame tonight, Yanks in Cleveland. I mean, let's face it, it isn't inconvenience to be, I mean, to get pulled away from work,

to get pulled away from your home, to get to put your plans on hold, to cancel your trips, to not go to your kids' recital, whatever you've got going on in your life. They don't care, man. You've got a report for jury duty, and you can, you can phone. in or call in or write in and you can come up you can give them a legitimate excuse and they'll postpone it but that's all they'll do is postpone it you know you can you can throw it up but then they give you a new date when you have to report so i'll be honest i postponed it once and uh i

postponed it to go on a little trip and uh and then sure enough it came back around and i thought I should postpone it again, and I thought, no, I'm just going to get it over with. So this is how it works. They tell you a date that you have to call in to an automated machine, and they let you know if you're supposed to report for jury duty. And you have to call in for four days in a row. It's not just once. So on the first two days, they said, you do not have to report for jury duty. And I'm like, yes, only two more days of this.

But on the third day, please report for jury duty in downtown Los Angeles and get this 7.45 in the morning. Yeah, 745 in the morning, all the way downtown. And it's just, I'll just be honest, it was annoying as hell. And then what they do is they make you sign in, they bring about 60 of you into a big room. It looks like you ever sit at a gate at an airport. that's what the room looked like, at least this one. It was a big room. It had the same kind of chairs you see at the airport

when you're waiting at your gate. And everyone was just sitting in these things and they keep you there till 5 o'clock. You get like an hour and a half for lunch and you just wait for them to call your name out and see if you're going to get assigned to a court case. I tell you, we were lucky to get a murder case. It's an open and shut case like this one.

I mean, you ever hear so much talk about nothing. I just think he's guilty. I thought it was obvious from the word go. He was born in a slum. Slum's a breeding grounds for criminals. I know it and so do you. So we were all sitting there, you know, all different male, female, black, white, Asian, just all every Jewish, whatever, just all kinds of religions and ethnicities.

It was kind of neat to see all these strangers kind of brought together in a room. And we just had to sit there and you had to wait for them to call your name. and if they called your name, you were assigned to a case. And then if you were called early and you went to a case and the case never got formed or they didn't pick you as a juror, you had to go back to the waiting room and see if they put you on another case. You didn't get to go home. So I'm sitting there and they call a bunch of people in the morning and miraculously they never called my name. And I'm like, oh, okay.

Okay, that's kind of cool. okay and then they go okay go an hour and a half for lunch and come back at uh 1 30 so we go for lunch we come back and then they start doing it again and then as fate would have it there there was a girl there that had been called into jury duty who i kind of knew i'd met her through some people i know at work that she's kind of cute and hot and nice and so i ended up like spending an hour talking to her it was it was kind of like it was almost like being forced onto a date. We sat there and we talked about politics and we talked

about work and we talked about life and we talked about fishing and it was really weird. It's like I had this really nice, long, interesting. It's the kind of conversation you'd have on a date, but we were just there killing time. So I kind of got to know this cute girl.

And then as I looked up, you know, they called some more names. They called another round. And then we find out they're like, okay, Okay, it's like a quarter after, or it's, it's a 3.45. And we realize, both of us, me and this girl, we realize we're getting down to the end of the day, and we haven't been called for a case yet. And we're thinking, oh, man, maybe we're going to get out of here.

This could be, this could be cool. Supposing they're wrong. Couldn't change my mind if you talked for a hundred years. What does it mean? The odds are a million of one. It's possible, but not very probable. I mean they're born. Liar. Only an ignorant man can believe that.

We're trying to put a guilty man in the chair where he belongs. So, so while people's lives are playing out, hanging in the balance, I'm sitting in there, you know, in this, this room that looks like gate 12 at LaGuardia Airport. God, I just swallowed a bug chatting to this, this beautiful girl. And meanwhile, you know, people down the hall might be going to, going to, going to, to the big house, be going to Penn State for the rest of their life, getting put in the electric chair, and I'm worried about getting to Arby's before they run out of Apple turnovers. So I'm sitting there chatting and there's been no action and we're getting to that crucial

hour where it's just about time to go home. And then all of a sudden, it comes on again. They go, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your patience. we will be calling out the next group of names for jury duty and I'm sitting there and I look at the girl and I go it's me I'm going to get nailed it's going to be me they haven't picked me all day I'm done and she looked she goes yeah I haven't I haven't been picked either but she was more positive she goes no it's not going to be us and I'm like I don't

know I mean they've gone through a lot of people and then the lady goes now ladies and gentlemen this is a special case we have coming up, if you are picked, just be aware that this is a minimum 16-day case. And then I just locked up. I was like, no. Because, of course, I have a fishing trip in Florida. I can't be sitting on some kind of 16-day case. What are they nuts?

Don't they know how selfish I am? Wait, what was that last part? No. So we're sitting there, and, you know, they call out. but I think it's about 15 or more than that, probably like 25 names or something. And every name they're calling. And then there was a bunch of guys. There was a guy named Hernan and there's a guy named Harry.

And every time they started with the huh, I thought, there it is. Harland. But it was like, Harry. I almost felt like they were dragging the H out longer. Just to mess with me. Harmon Harry Oh like oh god

My heart was skipping I pictured myself 16 days in a In a jury room with a bunch of strangers I don't know Fighting and yelling And trying to figure out if this person is guilty Or innocent

Who tells you that you have the right To play like this with a man's life You can't send someone off to die on evidence like that He didn't change his vote so I'm sitting there and I'm telling you man it was tense like I was really amped up inside I was and the girl beside me her eyes went all wide like we were both sitting there kind of terrified because she's a working girl and I'm busy as all ass cheek and it's like holy smokes and then I couldn't believe it they go I forgot this part they said now the computer will be picking the names at random and I couldn't believe it there was a guy an elderly like Mexican guy who was sitting beside me the whole day and he had got called in earlier and then they didn't use them and they sent them back and I couldn't believe it they called him again oh my god and here's the thing when they call your name you have to say here you have to go they go uh billy smith

here like that right so all morning all day people are like Samantha johnson here david walters here you know so people are yes selling out their names. And, you know, everyone seemed kind of okay with it. But then when this 16-day trial thing came out, oh, my God, you should have heard the inflection in people's voices. They were so annoyed and pissed off and depressed and upset. It changed to this.

It was like, uh, Billy Johnson, here. Samantha Jones, here. Uh, Carl Walters. Here? People were just like so pissed Because like I said, it was right at the end of the day And everyone probably thought they were going home And then boom, the 16 day.

And you know how these trials go, man. There's always a lawyer who asks for a recess or a delay Or there's a lack of evidence Or they call a new witness or an expert to the stand. So there's always like days where they have to reschedule And drag the trial. If it's already starting, 16, you know it's going to go longer.

And God bless America. I did not get called, nor did the pretty girl that I was sitting with at this point. Oh, my God. And in a way, I felt a little bit guilty because, you know, here I am being Mr. selfish and not contributing, but in a way, I couldn't have been happier.

I was like, yes! I don't have to deal with this. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreet shipping. greatly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away.

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And so in conclusion, yes, I feel bad and good. I get it that we have a system here, that we all need to contribute, that we all need to be part of it. And if we don't, then there's no system and everything collapses. So I recognize it. Look, as much as I whine and complain, I was ready to do my civil, civic duty. If they called my name,

I was going to go do what I had to do. Okay? But I would have done it begrudgingly. But the other side of the coin is, once I got through over that hump, let's face it, courtrooms and criminal trials, probably pretty fascinating.

I've never been exposed to it. I've never had to go to court for anything. I've certainly never had to sit there and watch people's lives put on display and see pictures of mutilated corpses and hear people's dirty laundry and accusations and all the high drama that a nasty court case could bring. I mean, you know, the upside is it probably would have been fascinating to be exposed to that. But I'll never know because I slipped away. I'm going fishing Oh, ha, ha, ha, Charles, oh,

Nelson, oh, Riley. So there you go. A little bit selfish, but I was there. I would have done it if I had to. My civic duty, so I don't know if you've ever been called for jury duty, but get ready. Your old buddy Harland here giving you the heads up. And if you don't go, you, sir, are guilty.

I'm convinced. not guilty You lousy bunch of bleeding hearts Hello Hi Harland The whole world is Excited about grilling out, seems And I am missing one of your

Standard characters Who's all about the barbecue So please please have a return appearance of my favorite favorite guy barbecue eddie all right buddy thanks man take care this is eddie he wants to party but they just hang up Now, Ben, what would happen? Uh, it's Eddie calling. Who's this?

Uh, it's Eddie. Eddie? Yeah, I was going to see if, uh, maybe you wanted to throw a barbecue today or something. Oh, you must have the wrong phone number. Uh, I got some ribs. We could throw some ribs down and, uh... You must have the wrong phone number. Maybe you have a Heineken or something. You like Heineken's, or... Hey, the guy. Hey!

You must have the wrong phone number. I got corn on the cobs if you want to have some... You got the wrong phone number. What about some... Hey, you got the wrong phone number. I just want to have a barbecue. You got the wrong phone number. I know, but can't we have a barbecue?

What the hell's the matter with you? I don't even know you. Well, it's Eddie calling. Hey? It's Eddie. I don't know who you are. I'm Eddie from down at the hardware store. I thought it's a sunny day. We could slap some ribs around.

I'm sorry, but I don't know you. You got the wrong phone number. Will you like chicken, or you got the wrong phone number? Well, that's no reason we care of a barbecue, is it? Listen, I don't know who the head you are or where you're calling from. It's Eddie. What the hell? That was Eddie.

He wants to party, but they just hang up. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay, this story is as much crazy as it is sad. I think you might better get some Kleenex because you're going to need to cry after you hear this.

Um, here's the headline, okay? Are you ready? Oh, boy. Sit down. Get your tissues out. baby kangaroo and four goats stolen from Wisconsin Zoo. Okay? So the goats were probably going to write off right away.

But I'll read you the story. We were not that worried about the goats. It's what happened to the baby kangaroo that's really going to get you. A baby kangaroo and four baby goats were stolen from a Wisconsin zoo last week. and the zoo's owners are worried the baby kangaroo may not survive. The five-month-month-old kangaroo was taken, here we go, here come the waterworks, was taken from its mother's pouch. According to Donna Wheeler, who owns Special Moments Zoo with her husband, Jean.

Special Moments Zoo? Special. Hi, it's Michael Jackson. I'm here for some special moments. I'd like a baby kangaroo because it's special. I'm going to abduct the baby kangaroo right from its mother's pouch and have a special moment. Good Lord. Horrible name for a zoo. Donna Wheeler said that baby kangaroos depend on their mothers for the first year.

of their lives in order to survive, the kangaroo must eat a special formula. It would simply die if you just gave it milk. Donna says, we don't have any idea who would do something like that, she said. It's very disgusting. Oh, my God. What kind of losers? I mean, it's one thing to kidnap a dog or a cat. But to go to all the trouble of breaking into a zoo,

you steal four goats. Hey, Billy, get the goats. Oh, these are awesome goats, but there's something missing here, Billy. Yeah, I can feel it too. Something's not right. I know we got four goats, and they're fine-looking goats. Yeah, they're really good, really nice goats. I really like the way they go, bah.

Yeah, but something's off. I think we need something here, Eddie. You're right, Billy. We need... There's something here that we need that's not here. Uh... I think we need a baby. Yeah, that's it. A baby.

But not just any baby. Uh, a baby that rolls? No, not rolling. A baby that climbs? No, not climbing. A baby that jumps. That's it. Right there, we need a baby that can jump. Uh, how about a kangaroo?

That's it. We need a baby kangaroo. You're a genius. Uh, who? You. But, me? Yes, you. You're talking to me? There's no one else here but you.

Oh, let's go get a baby kangaroo. Um, so these idiots, whoever they are, I mean, can you imagine not only, you know confronting a kangaroo which is kind of a wild animal but reaching down into its pouch and yanking out a baby that that's like that's like walking up to someone and you know people have those baby carriers they wear mothers and fathers wear them on the front of their bodies and the babies around them that's like walking up and unstrapping one of those and grabbing a human baby so you reach down into the pouch you feel around maybe you pull out uh you know some uh a hairbrush

maybe you pull out some lipstick maybe you pull out some birth control pills and then boom there's the baby kangaroo right there in the pouch and then what does anyone here listening go on craigslist every day and search your baby kangaroo baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby baby Baby walrus. No, no, not that baby zebra. No, no, baby kangaroo. Baby can't get it. Get it, get it, get it.

We need a baby kangaroo. Oh my God, we found. We got one. We got a baby kangaroo. It's from Wisconsin. I think that's where kangaroos are from. I think they're from Australia, might. No, it says here a baby Wisconsin kangaroo.

And they'll throw in four goats. Well, I guess I guess I was wrong. None of it, mate. I guess so. Irish guy, Irish. So let's keep reading here. This is crazy. The cop said they had no leads on the missing animals,

and he says there's not a lot to go on, he said. What do you mean there's not a lot to go on? Someone out there is trying to sell a baby kangaroo. I think that's quite a bit to go on. Walking down the streets. some shadowy figure emerges in an alley. Pse. Hey.

Hey, buddy. Hey, you, uh, you want to buy a baby kangaroo. Excuse me? Here, look here, right under my coat. That's a baby kangaroo right there, only a year old. Um, I don't... Look at that. Straight from the mother's pouch.

Uh, okay, how much? How much you got? I can trade you this. Baby rhinoceros. What the fuck? The cops said they noticed the animals were missing on Tuesday. Well, they were moving them to the zoo from their winter grounds. Wait a minute.

Kangaroos winter ground. Okay, whoever these people are, they should not. Special moments should be shut down. You should not be allowed to have a... Do you know what? Kangaroos are from Australia. There's no snow. They live out in the desert.

They live in 120 degree heat. They got these guys jumping around on the winter grounds. It's a miracle. These frigging kangaroos aren't dead. Surprise the mother kangaroo doesn't jump in her own pouch to keep warm. A Facebook photo on the zoo's page shows several of the baby goats were taken. Well, how do you show pictures of something that? it's taken. It's not there anymore.

Wheeler said the mother kangaroo's pouch was outturned, and she might not be able to have another baby. So that's like, let's say you had a backpack on your back with your schoolbox, and someone ripped it off and turned it inside out, and you wouldn't be able to put more books in it. Good Lord. Beyond the loss of the animals, the wheelers are dismayed. that someone would take from a place they've worked so hard to create for children. The baby goats were to be a special part of the petting zoo

and would offer children direct contact with animals. Well, guess what? You got your wish. Someone had direct contact with the animals, all right? Like so direct, they picked them up and walked away with them. This ain't a petting zoo. This is a taking zoo. Wheeler said they didn't have security cameras in the area,

and they never thought twice about telling people where they kept their animals during the winter months. Yeah, the animals are just up on top of the hill, in the igloo. Yeah, it's their winter resting place. Yeah, if you'd like to go into the igloo, just knock four times on the ice door. The couple says they plan to install security cameras now. Well, they better get the real expensive ones

that can look back in time. Because what's the point now? All your animals are gone. Your cameras are going to be looking at empty pens. And, hey, Sheila, anything going on in the goat pen? No, it doesn't look like, well, there's nothing there, so there's nothing moving. Okay, we'll keep your eye on it, Sheila. I sure will.

I guess we were too trusting of people, she said. the police officers canvassed the area and interviewed employees of the zoo they're also seeking any information from the public those with information are asked to call the sheriff's department boy that's going to be an interesting call uh yes is this the sheriff's department yes go ahead ma'am yes i have a baby kangaroo i'm sorry i've rescued a baby kangaroo. I had to break into a house, kick the door in, shoot four people, and I was able to rescue the baby kangaroo. Man, please don't crank all here. We're police officers. We're very busy. But wait, I've got a baby kangaroo. Ma'am, goodbye. So there you go. There's your weird story, freaky story of the day. So sad. If you're listening kangaroo thieves, please return bouncy to the special moment's zoo or whatever the thing's called.

Special. Yeah, I know it's special, but special what? It's a special, special zoo. Yeah, I know it's a special zoo, but I thought it had like a special name. Well, it's just special. All right, Michael Jackson, get out of here. God Special Moments

That's what it is Special Moman Zoo I want a baby kangaroo See it rhymes Hi special Moments Zoo Have a baby kangaroo Get out of here Idiot

So seriously if you see a baby Kangaroo Call Special Moments Zoo Now I'm rhyming, great Isn't that special? Shut up Special Shut up

Special Shut up Get out of here Michael Jackson Special Shut up Shut up Special Get out

Can I do one more? No get out Special Get out Get out This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up. Hello.

Oh, hey, how's it going, man? Who's this? Uh, it's Eddie calling? Who? Uh, Eddie? Eddie? Yeah. You have the wrong number.

Could I see if you wanted to grab a barbecue today or something? It's... You have the wrong number? Slop some ribs down. glaze up some salmon or something on the barbecue? Hey, what the hell? What the hell? That was Eddie.

He wants to party. But they just hang up. Oh, poor Eddie. God, the poor guy. Just can't seem to get his barbecue happening, man. Come on. Won't somebody enjoy a barbecue? Thanks for calling in.

Thanks for reminding me that it's barbecue season That Eddie Barbecue Eddie's probably out there somewhere I'm glad we caught up with barbecue Eddie He's always He's always up to some kind of grill fanatic Uh grill antics I should say He's a grill fanatic Um

So we'll end her right there with a cheery cheery barbecue theme Um let's talk about some comedy themes right here. How about this? This week, this Thursday, June 11th to the 14th, you can catch yours truly at the improv in Ontario, California. Great club. We sold it out last time every damn show.

So mark my words. Go on my website and get your tickets in advance. Harlan Williams.com click on my comedy tour schedule and that'll take you to a link right to the improv and you can reserve your seats that's June 11th

through the 14th and then the following weekend in Houston, Texas I will be at the improv there June 18th to the 22nd and then coming up in July 9th to the 12th. I'll be in New York at Levity Live. And then at the end of July, the 23rd to the 25th,

I will be at the Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal. So yeah, go to harlomwilliams.com, click on the stand-up comedy schedule and book your tickets. Also, subscribe to my YouTube channel while you're on the page. If you want to write to me, you can write to me at the contact page there, or if you want to call and leave a voicemail. 323-739-43330. That's 3-2-3-739-433-30. The number is on the website, too, so you can look it up there if you have trouble retaining numbers in your memory banks.

Oh, God, I'm yawning. Oh, my God. I'm as tired as a stolen baby kangaroo. What the hell? special stop also jump on board my periscope I'm on this new app called Periscope if you want to see some ridiculous

Periscope episodes just go to your app store and put in Periscope, download it for free and just look for my name and click join and you'll be on board for my ridiculous sponsor Tanya's broadcast. Oh, hang on. Hello? Yeah. Hello. Is that you, Aunt Ruthie? Yeah, I'm in the middle of my podcast right now, Aunt Ruthie. It's a podcast. It's a podcast.

No, I, I know I've always liked peas and carrots. No, this is different. This is a podcast, not peas and carrots, Aunt Ruthie. Okay, can you phone back and leave me a message? Yeah. You're doing what? Oh, my God. Okay, I can't talk right now, Aunt Ruthie. Phone back and leave me a message. Okay, thank you.

Yeah, I love you too, Aunt Ruthie. Okay, bye. Oh, my God. Well, you know who's phoning to leave me a message, so you got Aunt Ruthie to look forward to. I always play her messages on the show because they're so almost hard to believe. They're so ridiculous.

So we'll see what she has to say. Not today, but on a future show, I guess. So where was I? Yeah, join Periscope, which is also run by Twitter. So if you want to join my Twitter account, that's just at Harlan Williams. And you'll get all my latest hijinks. Check out the store at Harlan Williams.

if you want to pick up some cool t-shirts or gifts or books or whatever and uh and i want to thank y'all personally for being here on the podcast today and i hope we catch you again uh next time spread the word tell your friends to get on the highway and um there you go so that's it for now hope you have a great great great great day or night and until next time Chicken, shall mean, babies. What the hell's it matter, but I don't even know you? Well, it's Ernie calling, eh? It's Eddie!