The Harland Highway - 682 - Crazy MOOSE story. BBQ Eddy. Mr. Computer Chip Guy.

Episode Date: June 18, 2015

BBQ Eddy returns looking for some Q action, The debate continues over human chip implants, Wall Mart truckers scaring Harland, and a crazy MOOSE story. Chip that dip Flip!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, hello. Hello, everybody, buddy. Why am I stuttering, I don't know. I guess I must be so excited. This is the Harlan Highway, and you're the pavement pounders. Welcome to the show. We have a lot of ground to cover today. We're finally going to put to bed the debate about getting microchips put under our skin. Wait, do you hear this thing go off. The back end of the show is just full of wild surprises as the debate continues. Barbecue Eddie is here today. He's going all the way down to Mississippi to try and find some southern-style barbecue. I got a crazy, horrible, wacky news story. It involves a moose.

Wait do you hear this one. You'll question humanity when you hear this one. Also, I'm going to be talking about the correlation between psychological visual stimuli and you. As a comedian, I get a little nervous when I pull up beside a Walmart truck now after the Tracy Morgan incident. Wait, do you hear my analysis about this? Good night, Nellie Frittato. Put your slippers on and your helmet, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

This is the Harlan Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me. What is he life? What's he going? Anyway.

Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel. He's going to need a pig of pose. You're listening to Harland Williams. Why don't you give me a name? name and a face and a reason why

oh man what do you expect the guy has chigolo man it's over it's over nothing is over you just don't turn it off you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway

weird just plain weird you know what I mean I'm still alive I'll tell you what I won't give you you muckers I won't give you the Satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Oh, you get your money for it. Believe me. This is Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. Hello. Oh, hey, how's it going, man? Ah. Hey, it's Eddie calling.

But damage? Uh, no, it's, uh, Eddie. Eddie calling. Who? Uh, Eddie? Gonna see if they want to do a barbecue today or if you have time? Well, let me see if I can't find time with you and let you talk to him. Hold on just a minute.

Okay, perfect, thanks. Okay, well on. Thank you. Great day. Barbecue. Edward. Edward. Hey,

Have a phone. See if we could get someone. get someone just about here you come okay great thanks thank you thank you thank you perfect beautiful day hello hey how's it going man hey it's uh Eddie calling who uh Eddie uh Eddie who's Eddie uh from down the hardware store I's gonna see if you wanted to crack a barbecue today or something or I'm not understanding what you're saying? It's a beautiful day, so I wanted to see if you wanted to fire up the barbecue today,

maybe slap some ribs around or something. Who is it? You sure you got the right number, Eddie? Yeah. I was looking for someone to barbecue, maybe pound back some Heineken's and stuff. How did you get my number? uh someone gave it to me i guess at the barbecue club i'm not a member of a barbecue club oh well would you like to get in on it or we're slapping some catfish around and no could glaze it up real like power glazing i don't know what your point is well just it's a beautiful day we could have a barbecue i guess no not down here in mississippi where i live well well

I got some fresh catfish fillets, so we could... No, no, man, I've... You know, don't call me back anymore, all right? Well, it's just a barbecue. I mean, what, hey, what the hell? I got catfish. What the hell? That was Eddie.

He wants to party. But they just hang up. Don't be such a fucking pussy. All right! The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow, that's strange stuff.

Okay, this is really crazy. This is Karekray. Okay, you ready for this headline? I don't like this headline at all. This is almost too crazy. Three people held after Moose stabbed to death in Alaska Park. What the hay-hoo?

Come on. Anchorage, Alaska. They say they arrested three suspects after a moose was stabbed to death in an Alaska park. Anchorage police said that three men were apprehended Tuesday night after the animal was killed near a bike trail in Russian Jack Springs Park. What the hell? First of all, how to even get close to a moose to stab it? And second of all, what kind of angel dust are you on when you're like, Hey, guys, let's go take that moose out, man.

Yeah, what do you want? You shoot him? No, let's stab. Let's knife him. Let's knife him. He's on our territory, man. Let's knife him. A bicyclist called police around 7.30 p.m.

reporting that there were three men harassing and then stabbing the animal. What the hell? The moose was, hold on, this is where it might get weird. The moose was described by police and a newsrelease as smaller in size. Wait, wait a minute, what? What do you mean smaller inside? Well, maybe it turns out it was a deer or something. Was it a moose or wasn't it?

There's no smaller in size unless it was a baby. Maybe it was a young moose. Good Lord. There's nothing worth the murdering a child. uh they say the officers located the three suspects near the scene the animal was found dead they stabbed a moose to death good lord no other details were immediately available including information about the suspects moose are a fairly common sight in anchorage well not anymore i guess the these hoodlums put the end to that You know, if you're going to be a hudelum and a van, you know, key a car, spray paint a wall, steal a, you know, steal a Mars bar or a Twix from 7-Eleven, does you really have to go up and stab a moose to death?

I mean, good Lord, what's the moose thinking? Like, what are these things coming towards me? Those look like bald monkeys. They're all white and they're up on two feet. What's going on? One of them has a t-shirt that says, I went to Tampa Bay, Florida, and all I got is this t-shirt.

And another one's got a t-shirt of two pigs having sex, and it says, making bacon. I mean, obviously they're funny and full of fun. Maybe I'll just stand here and eat the grass and let them approach me. And ow! What's that? Ow!

Ow! Ow! It's like the aides of March. It's like Julius S. Caesar out there in the Alaskan wilderness. I Julius Moose Caesar pronounce. Ow! Ow! What's that in my back?

Ow! Ow! Oh! Stabbed to death! Good Lord, the poor moose. Moose are, you know, if you don't get in front of them and harass them, they're very docile, gentle animals. Poor moose walking around! I've been charged by a moose. I know they're not that... that, that, uh, small.

I've had a moose charge right at me when I used to work up in the wilderness. Believe me, it came about friggin' ten feet from me before it turned away. It's about stop my heart, I'll tell you that much. But they don't mean anybody any harm. They don't have fangs or teeth that, the, that bite to kill. These are grazers. Moose wander around and chew lily pads and chew, uh, saplings. that's it man and to walk up and the three dudes trying to be all macho in their ac dc t-shirts

tattoos on their arms moose killer my other car is a john deer you know this type of stuff and they just walk up and stab a moose god why don't they just go to a spain and become matador's and we gotta get in the ring with the bulls. Or at least the bulls kind of know what's coming and can fight back. This poor little grazer was probably just chomping on some blueberry bushes and suddenly he's being Julius Caesared.

So shame on those boys, those hoodlums. I hope they bloody get what's coming to them. I hope they get thrown in jail. And I certainly hope one day if they're out fishing. that Daddy Moose shows up with his giant 14-foot rack of antlers and rams them right up the moose hole, morons. Okay, this next story we have to file under weird and odd.

But this is true. I know you all heard the story about comedian Tracy Morgan, and he was in a limo, and his limo was rammed. They were driving in the nighttime. It was late. There was like a bunch of people in his limo. It was after a show.

Some other comedians in the limo with them. And I guess a driver of a Walmart 18-wheeler fell asleep and rammed the limo. And Tracy was severely injured. And some other people were killed, including, I think it was at least one other, comedian. And so this is something weird that's been happening to me lately, and I'm

definitely not making a light of what happened to Tracy and his friends. It's tragic to say the least. But when I'm out driving on the highway, and this is, I guess, just by association of being in the same profession, you know, being a comedian, I've had a couple of instances where I've been out driving, and lo and behold, there is a Walmart 18-wheeler rolling down the highway beside me. And I got to be honest, I know it's just like an association thing, but I get a little weirded out. And I kind of move over to the side, and I speed up to get by it, and I'm keeping my eye

very attentively on the Walmart big rig and I'm not saying that Walmart 18 wheelers are in the business of smashing comedians up you know that you know what I'm saying I'm sure you know most if not all of the drivers of a Walmart truck are very good at their job it's just that you know you hear so much

about something in the news and then the minute you see it when it's right in front of you moving at 75 miles an hour beside you on a crowded freeway here's what I'm doing I'm sitting there driving and I'm coming up on it and going wait a minute look at that Walmart 18 wheeler you know they get the big logo right on the whole side of the 18 wheeler hold on a minute wait a bit Tracy Morgan got rammed by a Walmart 18 wheeler he's a comedian I'm a comedian wait it's so all I'm saying is in my own ridiculous mind I've become leery keyword leery of uh of Walmart 18 wheelers hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer

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Swing by a gas station and get an O'Henry today. Oh, hungry, oh Henry. It's just an odd thing. It's got nothing to do with anything, really. I mean, the odds of another Walmart 18 wheeler accidentally killing another comedian is you'd probably have a better chance of getting hit by lightning while you're being swallowed by a giant whale okay but sometimes we do that do you have things in your life where we're just by association you you put yourself in a mindset where you're like uh oh wait a

minute i remember my friend sarah she was she was in it there was a rainbow once and she was walking down a sidewalk and there was a rainbow and a tree branch fell on her head oh my god i see a rainbow sidewalk oh my god oh my god oh my god here comes a tree here comes a tree oh my god we all do that i think i think we all have those little phobias where we hear a story or we have a friend or we know somebody who who was kind of victim to a certain set of circumstances boy that's a tongue twister a certain set of circumstances selling seashells by the seashore and because we're familiar with those circumstances, we're familiar with the friend or the person that we know or the celebrity, we somehow create this association in our minds that, whoa, if it happened to that

person, it could happen to me. And so maybe we become a little bit superstitious might be the key word here. So really, I'm just being dumb, but I thought I'd share with you that in all honesty, I trepidaciously make my way around Walmart, Walmart Big Rigs now. I'm sure it'll fade away over time, but my God, I can't stop thinking of that horrible story. And it's a sad story, too, but, you know, it's just when you hear things like that, it gets in your mind. So there you go. Not a knock on Walmart, not making any light of what happened with Tracy and his friends. Just thought I'd share an odd observation with you guys.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stab a moose. Hello? Hello? Hey, Arwen. This is Zach, Indianapolis. I'm listening to your most recent podcast. And I don't know where to be in about the pavement ponder that called in complaining about the chip under the skin. I mean, if he's not up for it, then don't do it, or get off the highway and don't listen.

I mean, technology is ever growing, and the best thing to do is embrace it. Sure, in revelations it may say, that's the mark of the beast, and you'll go to hell. Well, maybe you will, maybe you won't. It's a book that was written thousands of years ago. It can be interpreted in many ways. Technology is ever grown, and, yeah, I could fully support a loanship under my skin that could be my cell phone, my credit card, everything else on my passwords, locking information. Sure, why not? Because then, within my skin, can't be hacked, can't be stolen, can't be lost.

So, I'm kind of on that boat, and I probably wouldn't. So to the payment ponder, there's an upset about it. Well, he can, I don't know, he can go up the highway and not listen anymore, his loss. But I could go on and on, knocking on, use up the whole machine. Until next time, chow me. Well, there you go. Thank you, Zach. You know, the reason I played Zach's call is because I wanted to put an opposing point of view on the highway here

because we had that one guy that had been calling in and he flipped out that I proposed having a chip under the skin. You know, kind of took all the data that we all have as human beings living in a connected, civilized society. And everything's put in one place under a chip to make our lives easier. And he flipped out about it, but I wanted you to hear the voice of another person that seemed a little more like, yeah, whatever, I could do it. It would make life easier. It's blah, blah, blah. And I certainly don't want to go on and on about the chip thing.

but I thought, in fairness, since I played the other guy's point of view, I'd play someone's point of view who didn't seem upset about it and went the other way. So thank you for that call. It was nice to hear someone else's side of it. And in closing on the whole thing, again, I'm only up for that type of thing if, big if, if it's something that can be controlled and not manipulated by. the powers that be. In other words, like I said, I feel like we're already tracked and monitored at every corner at every turn, whether it's our own personal paperwork or cell phone tracking

device or cameras on every corner. We're being watched, we're being followed, we're being documented from the day we're born. I've already said all that stuff. So why not just make it easy and put everything in a chip under our skin and be done with it. And again, that I don't want to lose my freedom. I don't want to lose the knowledge that I can be, you know, out going on a road trip or being on my own. But think about all the people that get lost in the desert or lost on Mount Everest or lost in the wilderness or children that are abducted or Alzheimer's patients that wander off or people that get kidnapped. And I mean, there's positive uses for. for a chip type of thing as well.

So if it can be used positively and it's not used in a way that infringes on our existing freedoms, why not? Something to look about, something to think about. I've already done the topic. I'm not going to go through it all again. But there's the other side of the coin. Zach, thank you for your input. And it's definitely an interesting debate.

And we'll keep on top of it as we keep on rolling down the Harle Highway here This is CNN breaking news Uh oh hold the phone here gang hold the phone This is unbelievable we just got in as I was talking about all this stuff unbelievably a couple of brand new phone calls just came in on the Harland Highway hotline And maybe this whole story doesn't end so bad Roger patch in the first phone call Hey, Harlan, it's your old pal, Stevie.

Look, I got to tell you something, every time when Barbecue Eddie makes himself laugh, it just kills me. I can't even take it. It's just too hilarious because it just shows how funny you are because you make yourself laugh. And Harlan, you have made me laugh and you have made me cry, and that's the truth. But I got to tell you something. That guy that called to get divorced from you because of the whole chip idea. Number one, I got to tell you, I think putting a chip in humans is the worst idea in the world. I also think that you're one of the funniest guys.

You're one of the most thoughtful and intelligent guys with a very crazy way of presenting it. And if this idiot wants to say goodbye, well, that's his problem. you know because harland i'm on your team no matter what and if you put a chip in that's your problem but don't just don't put one in me thanks a lot harland wow okay a bit of backlash to the pavement pounder that wanted to jump ship that that got angry which he has every right to do um but uh hold the phone gang i think we might have a happy ending here take a listen to this call From our original caller who was going to jump off the Harland Highway forever, he might have changed course. Have a listen. Hey, Harlan. It's Microchip guy. Oh, Harland, I can't stay mad at you.

Actually, I was just on my period. I was having my lady's time. But seriously, folks, we'll have to agree to disagree on. this one. I hope you don't get chipped. I know I won't. But anyway, of course, it's not going to stop listening. Although I have to say that the rendition

of the David's soul song certainly helped. This is getting a little creepy and homoeratic so I'm going to stop. But not before, I see your David's soul and raise you one, Christopher Cross. All right, think we

gonna make it. thinking I just work out this time. Okay, go ahead. Oh, my gosh. Can you hear the happiness in my voice? Look at that. He stayed on the highway. Microchip guy.

Hey, Arlen, it's Microchip Guy. Possibly my favorite new name, too. Microchip guy. Well, I am so delighted that you decided to not bail and it sounds like you were, as you said, having your period. Maybe you were moody. Maybe you were testy. So I'm just so tickled that you were staying with the show.

And they'll probably be more commentary by me, more ideas, more bits down the road where you're like, oh, God, this idiot, you know. We're always going to disagree and agree on things. but that's the beauty of the format, right? That's the beauty of having a show. So stick with it no matter what. And thank you for coming back. And I hope your period is, I hope it's drying up.

Is that what you say? How do you hope someone ends their period? I hope the bleeding stops. I hope there's a drought between your legs. I hope now it's just awkward. Why don't we just end it with your little song? And we can share, and it's not homoerotic, it's just a little welcome back song,

letting us know that everything's all right again. By the way to jump in here, I got to jump on our moment, sorry, our intimate moment as your period dries up. But is it just me, but is it just me, or is Christopher Cross, the guy singing this song, one of the most awkward rock and roll guys you've ever seen in your life. I don't know if you ever seen a video of the guy, but he looks like the type of guy that would be sitting at a reception counter at a flower shop or something.

He's very, very awkward looking. Looks like a guy who should be playing chess, not doing rock and roll. I don't know if you'd even call his stuff rock and roll. It's pretty soft. But he definitely has. had some huge, very catchy hits. And then on top of it, the voice, that little pipsqueak voice of his,

it's, I got, seven, I mean, he's like four or five octaves above Michael Jackson even. I mean, you know, I'm not even sure that he has. Now I'm wondering if it's Christina Cross, because it really does sound like a girl's voice. So anyways, you know, when you think of rock and roll, you think a guy's a little rougher around the edges, a little harder. This guy really looks like at night he probably plays chess with himself, drinks a glass of warm milk, and, you know, puts his slippers on and dusts off his marble bust of Mozart.

You know? That is at his house out in the suburbs. But hey, who am I to do, judge. As long as we have his words of wisdom about coming back together again, and here we are. So now I can finally lay the whole chip thing to rest. You're all probably totally sick of it. So it's done. We got a news break. We got some resolution. Fantastic. So there you go, gang. Microchip guy is back in the fold. Let's do some announcements while I have the here. Okay. If you're kicking around

Texas this weekend, you can catch yours truly in Houston, Texas at the improv. Oh yeah, great club. Great time. I'm there. Thursday night, tonight the 18th of June, right through it'll Sunday night the 21st. So get your tickets. You can get tickets at my website, harlandwiliams.com. Just click on

the comedy link. Off you go. You're off and running. So it's going to be a lot of fun. And then what do we got coming up in July? I'm going to be up in New York at New York Levity Live, just outside of Manhattan. A great club will be there, July 9th to July 12th, unbelievable. And then I'll be at the Just for Laughs comedy festival.

Montreal, July 23rd to the 25th. And if you're up in British Columbia or you like great big music festivals, I will be in Pemberton, British Columbia on July 19th. They have a huge, huge music, outdoor music and comedy festival up there. It's nestled in the Rocky Mountains and British Columbia. Unbelievable. So check me out July 19th. in Pemberton.

And then in August, you can catch me in Irvine, Irvine, California at the improv in Orange County there. So some really awesome stuff. Well, you're on the site at Harlow Williams.com getting your comedy tickets. Check out our store. We've got all kinds of great gifts for y'all. Also, make sure you join my Periscope account. If you want to see my ridiculous Periscope broadcast, it's a free.

app you can get on your phone and basically I randomly post live comedy sketches and characters and silly things I could hit you up in the morning it could be the afternoon your your phone alerts you you'll just be going about your business and all of a sudden you're and that's your phone telling you if you join my Periscope channel that I'm about to broadcast live and people have been loving it I've got all these wacky characters. I've got drunk panda. I've got a panda that drinks booze and reads love letters. I've got my creepy roommate that I found

on Craigslist named Little Coco. Just a whole bunch of wacky things going on on Periscope. So join that. Also subscribe to my YouTube channel at Harlan Williams.com and all the rest of it. So hopefully we see you this summer out at the comedy clubs. And keep your ears open for barbecue, Eddie. And thanks for everyone for calling in. If you ever want to call in and leave your disgruntled messages

or your compliments or whatever, 323-739-4330, that's 323-9-43-3-30. And the number is on the website, harlunwiliams.com. Also, you can write to me there at Harlan Williams.com on the contact page. So thanks, everyone. Love you guys. And until next time, chicken.

Chalmayne, baby. Hey, Harlan, it's microchip guy. Don't give up all us, baby. We're still worth one more try. I know we put her last one by. Just for the rain, evening. When maybe stars are few, don't give up on us, I know, we can still come through.