The Harland Highway - 684 - SUMMER SWIMMING SAFETY. Harland learns to fly.

Episode Date: June 25, 2015

An expert on drowning prevention for children joins the show. Harland literally learns to fly. The media weighs in on the need for human information to be consolidated. Cram my SPAM!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey now, hey now. Oh, excuse me, sorry. I was just singing a little crowded house there. I don't know why. Welcome to the Harland Highway, the crowded highway. Huh? I'm Harlan Williams, your host for this podcast. Great to have you here, my child. Today we have an interesting show. I'm going to be talking about Would you believe me if I told you I could fly? Would you believe that?

Well, I did. Okay, I flew, and I'm going to tell you all about it. Pretty fascinating stuff. Also, I'm putting a final pin in my argument about the, we had a bit of an argument going back and forth, or a discussion, if you will, going back and forth between myself and various pavement pounders about the worthiness of the,

validity of putting a microchip or some kind of tracking device into human beings to consolidate their existence and all their paperwork. So we have someone from the media chiming in on this topic today. So it'll be interesting. Also, an expert in drowning. Many children drown every year, and we have an expert here to help us prevent that. This is the Harland. Highway

Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you I will please you all believe me What is he like What's he going

Anyway Oh He's an angel He's an angel Stop from nothing You're gonna need a pig of pose You're listening to Harland Williams Why don't you give me a name

And a face And a reason why Oh man What do you expect You got a chiggle-all man It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over!

You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You're not me. I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers.

I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money to work. Believe me. Well, this story just won't seem to go away. You know, I've been having this little debate back and forth with you guys, the pavement pounders. I brought up this random topic about getting a chip put under your finger and, you know, all the technology we have thrown at us, all the passwords, all the paperwork, blah, blah, blah, you've heard it all. and we got a perspective from a couple of pavement pounders.

Some were for it, some were against it, some were kind of somewhere in between. And I kind of put the whole thing to bed, but then I came across an article in the media, and I thought, well, we don't really have the media's perspective on it. So I thought to close it out, it might be interesting for me to read you this article. and kind of get a point of view from maybe someone who, you know,

is a little more worldly because they're a reporter and they're immersed in this world and blah, blah, blah. So here it is. The headline is passwords must die. This story must die. I've dedicated a lot of time to, but this will be the last thing. so let's see what this reporter had to say a guy named Bob O'Donnell and here's his article I'll probably start and stop as we go but here it is

okay let's just call it passwords have to go we know it technology device vendors know it website publishers know it retailers know it banks know it and on and on and on yet we're still logging into our devices services websites and more with passwords every day. The obvious question is, why? It turns out enabling alternative methods to prove we are who we say we are, otherwise noz authentication isn't that easy. And this is what I've talked about.

I talked about the other day how most of us have like, I've probably got three or four dozen passwords for all the different sites and places I have to go. So let me continue. For one thing, there have to be agreed upon standards for enabling authentication, and they have to be shared across devices, operating systems, websites, and all the tech-related services we regularly use. Another key issue is what's politely known as a people problem.

We're all too lazy. We don't want to take the extra steps that are often necessary to use the more secure methods of logging into various systems. We get annoyed if our banks force us to not only remember a username and password, but also a special image that we've associated with our accounts. These types of dual-factor authentication mechanisms, meaning they require two different steps to verify our identity, are known to offer better security than simple log-ins.

But the percentage of people who choose to use them is abysmally low. See, that's what I was talking about, man. It's like we don't like having passwords. We've got too many of them. They're all over the place. If you don't write them down, you're going to forget them. And then you've got to carry this.

I've got to carry a little book of passwords around with me wherever I travel. So I've ever lost my luggage or someone steals my little book. They've got access to like 40 different websites with all my information. let's continue and yet the warning signs are all around us target home depot the u.s. government last week ironically a sulk called last pass that was designed to provide a service in which a single master password could be used to protect all your other passwords was hacked the company claims that thanks to a data encryption people's password should be safe but it's still makes you wonder, yes, it does.

And this plays into my point that if everything was self-contained in one place under our skin or something to that effect, it would probably be way more secure. Let's continue. At this point, I'm frankly in shock that we are still so dependent on what is clearly a horrifically broken security model, particularly as more and more of our lives, information, and activity moves online. Hello, that's what I've been saying. Thankfully, there are positive developments towards password replacement, and more are coming soon.

The most promising long-term solution is biometrics. Here we go, such as fingerprints, scanners, which leverage sensors that can, can read a distinctive characteristic of your body to uniquely identify you. And this is what I was saying about, you know, a chip or some kind of thing related to our organic beings. The beauty of biometrics is that because every one of us is biologically inimitable, I don't know what that word is, a strong biometrics. system can provide a single unique password that only you should be able to use everywhere. Oh, and it's impossible to forget.

Okay, so let's talk about the biometrics, this guy mentioned. He's talking about him here. Biometric sensors still aren't perfect, as those of you who've struggled with faulty fingerprint readers already know, but they are getting a lot better. Plus, there's a whole raft of new biometric technologies on their way. Here we go, including facial recognition using 3D cameras like Intel's Real Sense, iris scanning using the camera built into your smartphone or other device, and even wearables like the long-awaited Nimi band,

which can identify you through your electrocardiogram of your heartbeat, captured via a simple wristband. So, you know, if they're going to do all this, is it that much more of a leap to think of having a chip under your skin? In addition to new technologies, there are important movements around critical standards as well. The Fido, Fast Identity Online Alliance, whose membership includes everyone from tech component suppliers,

blah, blah, blah. Okay, I don't know if this thing is making good progress in driving the creation of protocols to share these kinds of passwordless authentication methods between devices, operating system, services, and more. Okay. So, you know, this is interesting to me. Let's go. There's just a little bit more here. In fact, Microsoft has announced its supporting biometric authentication and Fido Alliance standards in the forthcoming Windows 10.OS. And a feature called Windows Hello. Not only will you be able to securely log into your PC with just your physical presence, but also into any Microsoft service or other website that conforms to Microsoft's

passport identity management service. So now we're talking about just being in the presence of a computer or getting close in proximity to a computer or a device, and it reads you. It needs everything it needs to know to confirm you are who you are, and you don't have to deal with any of the BS. It's maybe in a way it's dangerous because it's kind of like your cell phone. Before you had your cell phone remember, you probably remembered like 10 or 20 phone numbers. You knew your home number, you knew your parents' number, you knew your girlfriend's number,

you knew your best friend's number, you knew your boss's number, you knew the pizza place number, you knew a lot of numbers. And nowadays, how many phone numbers do you know? none I don't know any I know my own and maybe one or two more that's it that's a little freaky so the fact that you might have a device that just holds on everything you might forget your passwords forever it's almost another couple of paragraphs here some of these new technologies sound pretty science fiction like Here we go, but it won't be long before simply touching, looking at, or wearing a device will give us fast, seamless, secure access to our devices, services, accounts, and eventually even our homes and cars.

So you've got to figure if they're going to shove all that stuff like your passwords and all that stuff, doesn't it make sense to just show. of everything else in there, your identity, your social security, your banking information. It's coming, folks. I told you, I for, here, this is the guy talking, not me, this is his closing statement. I, for one, am more excited about developments in this area than I am in any other new gadget or gizmo, because this is going to make our lives and our data easier and more secure. in an increasingly digital world, it doesn't get more important than that.

Thank you. Now, I'm not saying he's right, and I'm not saying I'm right. But it's nice to see that here's someone in the media who, and not to say the media is always right, but these guys do a lot of research. These guys live in a world where they're exchanging news and they're on the leading edge of the latest technology, as you heard.

And it's kind of nice to hear someone in that world prop up what I was saying and support what I was saying. And, you know, as I've maintained all along, there has to be a way to do it where the government and spy agencies and Big Brother and all that can't look. into you and can't control you and can't, you know. But it's the inevitable. It's truly the inevitable.

And as shocking as it may seem, I think within 10 years, my prediction is between 5 and 10 years, you're going to start to see people with implants and robotic chips or a piece of clothing or something. I think the word conglomerates, brings everything together, puts it under one roof. So there you go. I'm going to end it there. And as I said, I thought it was a neat story that if you were interested in the debate we were having recently on the Harlan Highway,

this might give you just a different perspective from beyond my voice. and the voice of the pavement pounders. So there it is. The future's coming. Domo Aregato. Mr. Ribotto. Oh, Charles.

Oh, Nelson Riley, Chip. Oh, under my skin. Ah! Oh, oh. Gah! Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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So there you go. Kind of a serious way to kick off the show. And I guess we're rolling into another serious topic, right, Roger? I mean, this is kind of a necessity. We are going to be, you know, It's summertime, and there's a lot of children who are swimming. They're going into lakes and into swimming pools and all kinds of scenarios where they're in the water.

And every year children drown. There's always tragedies. And so we have a safety expert here who's on the line. Is he on the line? Yeah. Okay, so we got Carl Smothers on the line. I guess he's from the American Water Safety Commission. Okay, let's put him through.

Hello, Mr. Smothers, are you there, sir? Yes, yes, hello. Yes, sir, Mr. Smothers. Yes, hello, I can hear you loudly. Great, great to have you here, sir. It's my pleasure to be here, Mr. Williams. Great to be on the show. Thank you for being here.

This is obviously a very important topic. Well, statistically, every year, Mr. Williams, we have the number of children who unfortunately pass on a deceased due to drowning. And we feel that this is very unnecessary. of a few minor safety precautions, some coaching from parents and concerned adults could drastically reduce the amount of fatalities we have every summer. Well, it is sad, and I think this is very important work that you guys do. I think it's important. We have you on the line.

We have a lot of families, people with children, who listen to the show. Absolutely. Sir, are you okay? I think this is very important, and we, we, we, we will, we, we will, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we. Sir, are you okay? Yes, we will, we are happy to provide, uh, guidelines for people and, and, uh, tips, advice trading scenarios for families to prevent these kind of tragedies.

Well, good stuff. What is one of the ways which a parent can prepare their child for one of these emergencies? And when you say emergencies, I'm assuming you mean a child falling in a pool or a child maybe swimming in a a lake and getting out over their head. Yes, but there are all kinds of different scenarios that happen, the ones that you mentioned, as well as exhaustion, a child may undertake a round of swimming and underestimate his over stamina, Mr. Williams, and sometimes exhaustion will set in cramping of the leg muscles,

the arm muscles, and a child may over-exhort to him or herself and find themselves in a precarious situation where they can... Bless you, sir. Thank you, Mr. Williams. A child may find themselves in a precarious situation where they can't overcome their surroundings and they succumb to, unfortunately, a drowning death. Well, that is awful. I hate hearing those stories.

What is one of the first things that a parent can do to help prepare their child for, you know, prepare a child for the prevention of drowning? Absolutely, Mr. Williams. The first thing we would recommend for parents to do is to get their child in a quiet, comfortable place, in the home and strap the child down and waterboard the child. I'm sorry?

Waterboarding the child, it gets a child familiar with the concept of browning. It prepares a child for the sensation of suffocating from water being in the mouth, in the nose, collapsing the lungs, this type of thing. Pardon me, sir? If you can waterboard your child, if you have three or four children, you can do it as a group activity, you tie them down, you could use duct tape, you could use rope, Mr. Williams, and you tilt their head back, and there's all kinds of guidelines on the Internet that we can provide, or you can find in the Pentagon.Pentagon.com.

Wait a minute. This is a method of torture used, during the Iraq war and used by, you know, anyone who wanted to commit torture. Well, let's not blur the line, Mr. Wills, between torture and saving a child's life. Well, I mean, that sounds a little traumatic. Can't you just sit a child by the edge of a pool or a lake and talk them through it? Well, well, if you live in a fantasy world, Mr. Wend? If you want to wear kid gloves around your child, by all means, you know, we certainly encourage you to take that, as we call the soft approach. But if you really want your child to experience the sensation of drowning and know what it feels like, to be sinking under water, to be crying out for your very next breath, to have that sensation that you are at death.

store. I think it's important that you take your child there so they're familiar with it and know how to deal with that. Sir, are you okay? You seem to me, do you have... I'm sorry, pardon me, Mr. Williams. I have a bit of a speech impediment. Okay, I understand, but you're okay? Yes, sir. All right, well, going back to your waterboarding, I don't think that's a very smart approach. I think, yes, you may familiarize a child with the sensation of drowning, sir, but I mean, the psychological effects, the lasting, you know, psychological scarring, that's got to be horrific and traumatic for a child. Well, would you rather have your child have a few cheap nightmares for a few months

or a couple of decades, Mr. Williams, or would you rather lose your child at the bottom of your neighbors? pool. Well, come on, sir. Are there any other methods here that aren't so aggressive? Well, we do have what we call these sleep and toss method, Mr. Williams. What is the sleep and toss method? Well, you know, drowning always comes as a surprise. No one ever plans to drown or find themselves in a situation where they're drowning. And so it often comes as a complete shock and panic ensues for not just children, but adults as well.

Okay, that's fair. So what we propose as a training exercise for parents is, well, your children is asleep in a deep sleep, perhaps early in the morning, as the sun's coming up, Mr. Williams, or maybe in the middle of the night, if it needs to be, you go in, and children do not wake up easily. I think we can all agree with that. Yes, I think children are very deep sleepers. And this plays very well into our trading scenario

where you go in, you gently lift the child up during his or her deep sleep, carry them out into the yard, and throw them into the pool. I'm sorry, sir. You throw the sleeping child into the pool and allow the shock and the sheer terror of sinking into the bottom of a watery environment, and I'll tell you that will do wonders for their preparation

should they ever. Hold on, sir. You're talking about taking a sleeping child. And possibly even babies, the children from a few months old, right up to, you know, 13 or 14 years old, Mr. Williams. Okay, this is not something I would recommend. I mean, that is torturous. Another method we have, Mr. Williams,

is if you're having a bar, sir barbecue Mr. Williams and you've got a lot of adults maybe 30 or 40 adults at the residence there's a family swimming pool

or perhaps your cottage at a lake and if a child is in the water having fun because drowning comes out of nowhere those are never really a set place or time for a drowning

sadly that's very true So collectively, parents can benefit from a scenario where they're all together at a social setting at a pool party. And if they see a child swimming in the pool, well, maybe all of the adults can collectively band together, 20 or 30 of them. And we recommend that they can't involve the child. Okay, sir, are you... Are you crazy, Carl Smothers? Well, sir, I'm here to say that children's lives. Cannonball the child.

30 or 40 grown people launching themselves through the air, curling their knees up and doing what we call a cannonball in the pool water because cannonballs, when your body is in this shape and you hit the water, it causes an enormous splash, a wake, if you will, displacing the water, sending virtual waves across the surface of the pool? Absolutely. And our hope is that the child is screaming and multiple amounts of water go into the child's screaming, screaming terrified mouth, fills the child's mouth with water, and the child starts to fill his lungs with water,

and it starts to sink. And, thankfully, with all the concerned parents around, they'll let the child sink for, you know, five or six, maybe seven feet, sometimes hit the bottom of the pool at nine or 12 feet. Let them rest there quietly for just a few minutes. And then, you know, you have lots of concerned adults who can dive down and retrieve the child and resuscitate the child. They go, that's what it's like to drown to their child. And the look of gratefulness, the look of gratitude in the child's eyes, now knowing what it feels like to drown, it's almost priceless.

It's a parent and child bonding scenario. Sir, I think you might be completely asked backwards here, and pardon my language. Well, there's no need to get aggressive, sir. We are trying to save lives. You're trying to save children's lives by waterboarding them, throwing them in a lake while they're sleeping, and now you're saying 30 or 40 adults cannonball a child, allow him to sink to the bottom and resuscitate him so he knows what drownings like.

Preparation is the best defense, Mr. Williams. And one more, if you're at a park with your child, and you see a child drinking at a drinking fountain. Feel free to step up behind the child, push him from the back of his head, stuff his face right into the water fountain, make his mouth go right over the squirting fauc. Okay, sir, I think you've said enough.

Also, I'd like to recommend the idea of putting a funnel up a child's nose. Okay, hang up, Roger. This guy is out of control. Unbelievable. We also, we also, on parent adult today at work, we recommend that office workers take the water cooler bottle off the stand

and stuff it into the child's mouth while they're laying on their back. And it's also fun to watch the bubbles come up and they make that big gurgling sound as the water transfers from the water cooler bottle, that great big 10-gallon thing into the child's stomach and lungs. All right, hang up, unbelievable.

I'm not finished, sir. Would you like to go for a drink? No, I don't want to go for a drink with you. Could I send you a case of bottled water? Get them off. Good God. Unbelievable. That is horror.

Where the hell did you get that guy, Roger? Ladies and gentlemen, I don't recommend or endorse. any of what you just heard from Carl Smothers at the American Water Safety Commission. We here at the Harlan Highway do not condone waterboarding, sleep and toss, cannonballing, putting water bottles from water coolers in children's mouths, et cetera, et cetera. Unacceptable, Carl Smothers. Wow. Um, wow.

Let's move on, Ron. Let's move to something a little more, uh, upbeat. Good Lord. Just ridiculous. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Okay, on to something a little lighter. Let's close the show out with this. I did something very recently, uh, and I want to give a shout out to a place in Houston, Texas called I Fly.

and the name is just what it sounds like. I fly is a facility where you can go and actually kind of fly as a human being. It's an indoor facility and it's open to the public and I guess it's a chain. They have them dotted around the U.S. This was my first time doing it. And the folks over there were gracious enough to have me in as their guest. And basically it's a giant wind tunnel, a vertical wind tunnel. And basically you step inside this thing and there's air blowing it over 100 miles an hour

and you basically get sent floating up in the air. You're literally floating hands-free, you know, inside this chamber. and it's quite a fascinating feeling and there's no ropes or pulleys or gadgets attached to you. You put on a little safety suit and a helmet and you kind of step into this chamber and you kind of lay down on your stomach. And as soon as you do that, the force of the air gets under you and keeps you floating. You keep your arms out in front of you and your legs extended. and obviously the more mass you put out there, the more the air has to push up on

and your body, you find yourself floating. And I only did it for about probably three or four minutes, maybe five minutes, but boy, oh boy, what a cool sensation. What an interesting feeling to, in essence, fly. I guess in this case it was more like floating. And for most of the session, I was only probably about 8 to 10, probably 8 to 10 feet up off the ground. But then at one point, the trainer who stays in there with you is standing in there,

kind of making sure you don't bounce around and smash into the walls, you know, too aggressively. at one point he was able to grab on to my jumpsuit that I was wearing and kind of with his expertise he like jumped us up and kind of pulled me up to about probably 30 or 40 feet in the air and was twirling around with me and stuff like that and oh man it was really interesting and cool and I guess these chambers are what professional skydivers used to learn how to train and do tricks and learn how to manipulate air currents.

And it's just unbelievable. In between people like me and other customers, the professionals who worked there would go in and literally it looked like they were doing ballet in mid-air. I mean, these guys have the time inside the chamber to know how to use it and manipulate it. And these guys were flying up in the air and flipping and twirling and going upside down and just very graceful and beautiful. And I think the end game is to be kind of in a zone like they were in where you can actually go in and literally fly around hands free.

As for the rest of us, amateurs, you know, we kind of get in there all clunky and float. But nonetheless, how often in your life, have you had the opportunity to float in mid-air or fly in mid-air with no attachments? It's pretty interesting. It was pretty fun. So I thought I'd just throw that on at the end to tell you about a cool experience I had. And if you have the chance, look into it in your city, and it's a fun way to spend a couple of hours. They bring you in and give you a little training video. They teach you some hand signals because it's very noisy in there.

You can't hear anyone talking. You have to follow hand gestures as far as the instructions go on how to position your body to get the most out of your time in the air chamber there. But a fun thing to do with friends, family. The whole experience probably takes an hour and a half or so from the time you get suited up, you have your little training session and the time you go in and out of the chamber.

But it's time well spent for a unique experience. It was funny, I woke up that morning, and I go, well, today I'm going to fly. Today, Harlan Williams, is going to fly. And that's what I think is so fun about being human. I mean, we just never know what's around the next corner. We never know what experiences life is going to break. us and it's just fascinating i mean i didn't ever ever think really at any point in my life i would

fly like that um and it was really cool so check it out it's called i fly and maybe it's something you might want to try i'm sure it's a lot better than throwing your child in a lake oh so there you go i'm going to leave it there leave it on a high note a high flying note. Thanks again to I Fly in Houston, Texas. And thanks to you guys. Let's do a few announcements and then let's boogie on out of here.

Okay. So, let's see where are we at here, gang. This is just cray-cray. Let's go into the month of July where yours truly will be performing in New York, the great state in New York.

I'll be up at a place called a levity live, just outside of New York City. Great facility, beautiful comedy club. I don't get to perform in New York a whole lot, so it's going to be a good time. Also, I'll be at the Pemberton Music Festival in British Columbia, Canada. New York, Levity Live, will be July 9th through the 12th,

and Pemberton, British Columbia, will be July 19th, one night only. And then later in July, I will be at the Just for Laughs comedy festival in Montreal, Quebec. That'll be July 23rd to the 25th. A great, great comedy festival. And then later on in August, my only show in August will be in Irvine, California, at the Spectrum in Orange County, at the improv in Irvine. That's August 20th to the 23rd. So lots of great shows coming up.

Not a lot, but great shows nonetheless. Also, if you want to leave me a phone message, 3233739, 43330, that's 323-739-433. Or you can write me at Harland-Williams. We have a contact page there, and you can drop me a letter. I might read your letter on the show. I might play your phone message on the show. You never know, gang.

Also check out our store, the harlornwilliams.com store. We've got all kinds of fun t-shirts and gifts and music and artwork and books and posters and Chinese egg rolls and, well, not that. And what else can I tell you? Join my YouTube channel. Join me on Twitter at Harlan Williams. Join me on Periscope at Harlan Williams. It never ends. But this show is ending right now, I assure you.

I want to thank you all for being here. Spread the word. Tell your friends about the Harlan Haway. Let them get in on the fun. And that's it. I hope you have a good week, good day, good night, good morning. And if you can, get out there and fly. Until next time, Chicken.

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