The Harland Highway - 685 - California drought. The advancement of ISIS. Crazy news!

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

Govenor Jerry Brown calls in to discuss California's terrible drought. The rise of ISIS and how it affects us. Crazy news story at the airport. Luggage my muggage!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer loving happened so fast. Yeah, summer loving. I hope you're getting some summer loving. This podcast is my summer loving to you. We got a crazy news story coming your way. Wait to you hear how somebody tried to get through the airport. Humans, very inventive. Why do you hear this crazy news story?

Also, we have Governor Jerry Brown, the governor of California, the great state of California, who are suffering through a horrible drought right now, and water is starting to be rationed, and Governor Jerry Brown will be here to talk to us about the horrible drought and some of the new things he is implementing to help curtail people's water consumption. That should be very interesting to see. how he plans to do that. And then a little bit more of a serious note at some point in the podcast.

I'm going to talk about the growing threat of ISIS and radical Muslims taking the lives of innocent human beings globally. And the response and reaction from the rest of the world and talk about what should the rest of the world be doing about this? Is it too late? Has it gone too far? We're going to find out here on the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the Harland Highway.

I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me. What is he like? What's he going, anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're going to need a bigger post. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why?

Oh, man, what do you expect the guy that's checking? alone man it's over jenny it's over nothing is over you just don't turn it off you just made a wrong turn onto the harland highway weird just plain weird you know what i mean i'm still alive i'll tell you what i won't give you you muckers i won't give you the satisfaction of saying that i'm sorry welcome to the harland highway all you get your money's worth believe me Okay. Have we got him on the line? Okay, good. Tell them to hang on for just one second. Okay, we have Governor Jerry Brown on the line, ladies and gentlemen. He is the governor of the great state of California, where as most of you know, if you watch the news, there is an incredible drought going on.

the governor has instituted a ban on excessive water use and I guess daily his office is coming up with new ways to conserve water to restrict the use of water to have any excess water being used to put a stop to it let's get them on governor Jerry Brown how are you today sir Doing real good. Harland, great. Great to be on your show. Well, great to have you here, sir, and it's hurtful to see California in such a horrible place. This is one of the longest droughts. This state has ever experienced. People are hurting. Farmers are hurting agriculture's being affected from the top of the state all the way down to San Diego. Oh, boy, this is a trying time for Californians.

And you've got to remember, Harlan, that a lot of the produce that shipped across this great country of ours comes out of the lower basin here in California. And so when our farmers get hit and it's tough to grow food product, the whole country feels it. Yes, sir. And I understand this is escalating the prices in grocery stores across the nation. and it's just horrible. I mean, is there any real explanation for this excessive drought? Well, you know, I'm not a weather expert, Arland, and these things, according to scientists,

I've talked to people who understand this type of thing. These are cyclical events that occur in nature, but as I said, just a minute ago, we've never seen it last this long. It's never lasted quite this long and been so devastating. It's just really taking a toll. Well, it certainly is. And boy, oh, boy, sir. Now, you've implemented these laws,

and you've basically said that people are not allowed to water their lawns. They have to cut back on all kinds of things that involve water. Well, it's the only way. I mean, how else are we going to do it? I mean, it's people who use water, and so it's people that need to cut back curtail their use of water. And so I'm doing everything in my power, in my legal power, to help reduce water consumption by, we started at 25%, and now we're down to we're getting around 45% of mass reduction across the state. Well, that's incredible, sir. I mean, that's a commitment. Can you tell us about some of the other programs?

I know people are only allowed to water their lawns once a week. What are some of the other things that you have implemented to help conserve water? Absolutely, Arlen. I'm glad you asked, and that's part of why I'm on the show today to spread the word. We have implemented just as of about four days ago, we started the Arnold Palmer Law, which... The Arnold Palmer Law. Absolutely.

Have you ever had that drink, the Arnold Palmer? Of course, it's a half iced tea, half lemonade. Exactly. And so this is what we're asking people to do. In order to conserve water to not use as much water, we're asking people to take their water bottles, fill them halfway up with water, okay? Just fill them halfway.

Okay, that makes sense. Halfway. What's the Arnold Palmer part? And we're asking them to urinate in the bottle to fill it up the rest of the way and just shake it around and create what we call the Arnold Palmer. Wait, wait a minute. You're asking people to urinate in their bottled water, so why? Well, well, you know, they want to consume water,

and we feel that consuming a whole bottle of water is wasteful. But if we can recycle the water, if we can dilute the urine with half a bottle of water, we've consulted with doctors, experts in the medical field, and apparently there should be any problem. Maybe some dizziness, maybe a slight headache if the mixture is off of that, Harland. Well, that's served. You're asking people to drink their own. Yes, we're asking people.

to chug their own piss. And this is going to cut down, like I said, probably about 45% of... Hold on, hold on. People are supposed to drink pee in their water bottle, mix it with water, and drink their own... Piss, that's what I'm saying. So this is... We call it the Arnold Palmer.

It's half water, half a hot golden California piss. And we are the golden state, so it's really apropos. And we're having a blast over here. here in Sacramento, getting the word out on the Arnold Palmer. Well, I'm not going to do that. Well, we'll see your ass in jail, won't we? Wait a minute. You're putting people in jail if they don't drink their own? Yes. Oh, that's right. We were in the middle of a drought. We're not wearing kids' gloves.

We need people to make as many Arnold Palmer's as they can. And if you can't drink them right away, put them in the freezer, freeze them up and let them die. You can have them as an icicle. have an icicle, Arnold Palmer. You're talking to people about licking their own urine like a popsicle? Absolutely. And during these hot summer months, I'll tell you, it's refreshing as all hell. I had three, I'm the count of three popsicle piss sticks just already today. And I feel like I just took a dip in a nice cool, eh, Carlin.

Okay, sir, I don't know if anyone's going to go along with this urine thing Oh, it doesn't stop there, you know, we've asked people to cut back on watering their lawn But what we are encouraging Californians to do is I have piss parties Sorry, sir? You know, everybody has to piss and what we'd like neighbors to do You know, you can rotate every night, it's a new house, but the neighbors get together collectively and as a group, they pick a lawn to piss all over, and in essence, water it. Wait a minute, sir.

It's also a great bonding experience. I mean, let's face it, how many people these days know their neighbors? How many people get out and know their neighbors? But imagine this, you know, it's just around, you know, 5 p.m., 6 p.m., the sun's starting to go down. Everything's starting to cool off, and you get the Johnsons, you get the fair, weather's, you get the McElroy's, you get the O'Reilly's, you get the Davidson's, whoever's in the community on your street, and picture everyone just, you know, squatting on your lawn, the women's

squatting on the lawn, spraying golden piss everywhere. The men, I mean, let's face it, God-endowed men with a garden hose between their legs already, so they can just be getting the hard to get at areas, Harlan, you know, by the shrubs on the corners, the grass that's along the fence line, What are you saying, sir? You're asking people to piss all over each other's lawns? Look, Colin, liquid is liquid, okay? And we're in a state of emergency here, so I've got to get creative. People have to get creative.

And why waste a resource? Why flush the golden liquid that comes out of your testicles down the toilet when you could be outside watering some azaleas? You could be a growing grass seed. You could piss on your roses, and those things are going to suck it up like a, you know, a Norwegian water fountain or whatever it is. Okay, come on, sir. What are you doing? Also, we've done some experiments up here in Sacramento at the Department of Agriculture,

and we've had some of the locals bring their infants, little babies. excuse me, we're talking seven months and under. And what we do is we put nine or ten of them in a potato sack. And if you shake them around a little, you know, babies are always pissing. And so if you shake them around, you got yourself almost a portable sprinkler, and you just kind of hover that potato sack over your plants, your flowers, your grass, and those little babies will piss for a good long time, really watering and spreading the moisture. into the come on sir and if anybody's crying oh that's going to be a fine you're going to do some

jail time you're not allowed to let tears come out of your eye sockets that's that's called the wasting water resources okay arland so uh so if anyone's thinking of crying they're at a fight with their partner they're at a funeral or whatever we're going to send the tear police in and you're going to be busted okay i think this is becoming you you're going to wait too far, sir. Well, let me ask you this, when was the last time you took a piss? Excuse me? What was the last time you took a long streaming golden piss?

I don't know about two hours ago. Well, look at you, and how does that make you feel? I felt relieved. Mm-hmm. Well, isn't that the selfish approach? It didn't occur to you for a minute to maybe a piss half of that into your water bottle. It didn't occur to you to maybe open the water bottle. window in your office building and then piss off the 12th floor into the front lawn down below

that is desperate for moisture no i didn't think about pissing in my own bottled water i didn't think about pissing you know what i i don't think i agree with this well we're going to send the piss police over harland okay i got i got to go governor jerry brown uh ladies and gentlemen uh thank you governor for uh if you could just send me a urine sample i would I got to go. Oh, my God. What the f- Are you kidding me?

An Arnold Palmer? I'll never be able to order one of those again at a restaurant. God. An Arnold Palmer, is he joking? Hanging babies in a potato sack? Piss parties on people's front lawns?

What? California's always been a bit weird, but this just hits a new friggin' low. Go to a commercial, Roger. I've got to collect my thoughts, and I've got to go take a piss, too. Here's how to help build strong bodies eight ways. Eat Wonderbread. You want to grow bigger and stronger, don't you? Golly, sure.

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So we sure to eat Wonderblade. Get Wonderbread fresh at your grocers today. Okay, so we had the uber serious topic of the water shortage in California. Very serious. And let's keep the serious theme going with something else that's very serious. Isis, terrorist attacks, human beings. innocent human beings dying all over the world because they're infidels

and they don't live up to the standards of Allah who is a god prophet or a god I don't understand I'm not well versed in Allah but I believe he's considered a god or a prophet and and through my naive take on Allah, from what little I know about him, I do believe that gods and prophets usually operate from a point of view of love and understanding and compassion and caring. And it's hard to believe for most of us rational people

that that people have taken the words of a prophet and adopted them, made them their own, and decided to kill, not just kill, but mutilate.

To kill is being kind. The way in which ISIS is killing people is beyond the pale of killing it's like let's take for example um putting a dog down or slaughtering a cow for for the marketplace you know they try to do it quick and easy and you know an injection a bullet to the head it's not pretty but it's something that has to be done but here we have human beings who are slowly drowning

people, lighting people on fire, throwing people off of buildings, slowly beheading people, and the list goes on and on. And I think it bends most of our perceptions of what we know of being human to hear, watch, and see these horrible, horrible activities happening more. More and more, globally, I mean, just look in the last half to three quarters of a year at all the horrible things that have happened in the name of Allah. We had the shooting of the soldiers up in Ottawa, Canada, we had the Charlie Hebdo incident in France. We've had just recently this last week, we've had three different terrorists.

attacks committed all over the world in France once more in a tourist resort over near the coast of Africa it goes on and on you've heard them all I mean it goes back to 9-11 it goes back I mean the body count is just astounding and the fact that this this movement this this this this um ISIS movement

where infidels are being killed. You know, at what point do you stop the body count? You know, the thing that happened in Germany with the Jews is it was so horrific, not just because people were dying, but because everyone was concentrated. They were rounded up and put in camps. And so you can see the bodies. You can watch footage of bodies being bulldozed into open pits.

You can see hundreds and thousands of bodies being lifted up in the scoop of a bulldozer and carried over to these open pits where the scoop full of bodies are dumped on top of mountains and mounds of other dead human bodies. And so you look at that and you go, oh, my God, this is horrific. The body count, I think at the end of the day, the body count for the dead Jewish people was between 7 and 12 million. And I think it was closer to 12 than it was to 7.

Picture in your mind right now. 12 million human corpses piled on top of each other. A literal mountain of human flesh, of innocent human beings. And so you have these incidents happening all over the world where almost weekly radicalized Muslims are taking lives, cutting off people's heads in America, in London, England, in the Middle East, all over the world. Hotels being shot up, buildings being blown up. mosques being blown up. You know the laundry list. And I think what creates a little separation is the fact

that these events are dispersed all over the planet and maybe they're not as impactful as when you see the horrible imagery of Jews being piled atop each other in a concentrated area. But make no mistake, ladies and gentlemen, and the bodies globally are piling up just as high. And so my question is, when does it stop? When does the world take action the way action was taken against Hitler and the Nazis?

How much longer do we let radical Islam get away with it? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreetly. for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

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I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways We're not going to find it in the news Because the police covered everything all up On August days This is where the story really starts Weapons And how many of you are tired

Of turning on the American news And hearing our elected officials make statements like this that to me are almost a mockery. Listen to this. This was a statement based on the last three radical Muslim murders just last week. Here's what he said. The United States condemns, in the strongest possible terms, today's horrifying terrorist attacks in France, Kuwait, Somalia, and Tunisia

for dozens of innocent civilians, and in the case of Somalia, of Burundian peacekeepers were killed and injured. We express our deepest sympathy to the victim's families and our heartfelt wishes for the recovery of those injured. The United States condemns in the strongest possible terms. Ooh, really? You condemn it?

Oh, boy. In the strongest possible terms? What is that equivalent to a finger wagging? You guys, we know what you're up to and we don't like it. We, we, bad. What you did is bad.

I mean, whoopie do. It sounds like he's reading a, a passage from a playbook. It's so unemotional and so, you know, tired and bored. And the whole, we,

we, we, we, we, we grieve for the families. We feel so sorry for the family. But we condemn. in the most strongest, what is all that rhetoric getting us? What is all that posturing and that talk? Put yourself, pretend you're an ISIS guy right now, okay? Here's what I want you to do. Let's do some play acting.

Let's do some play acting, okay? Pretend me, you, and all the other pavement pounders listening. Pretend we're all ISIS guys right now. We're all huddled in a cramped hut somewhere in our hideout. and there's a satellite dish duct tape to the roof with a coat hanger wire and, you know, some laundry line holding it in place. And we're all huddled inside. There's a tea kettle in the middle of the room, and somehow we have television service.

And, you know, we've been spending the last three or four years murdering and killing. And the world's strongest superpower, the might be. military machine in the world comes on the television and condemns us. And here's what we hear. The United States condemns, in the strongest possible terms, today's horrifying terrorist attacks in France, Kuwait, Somalia, and Tunisia were dozens of innocent civilians, and in the case of Somalia, Burundian peacekeepers were killed and injured. We express our deepest sympathy to the victim's families and our heartfelt wishes for the recovery of those injured. You know what the reaction is?

Here's our reaction. If we're these guys, if we're, if we're the ISIS guys, we hear that. Here's how we react. uh-huh there you go it just i could be totally wrong but it feels to me like we're watching something happen here that's not really being addressed i feel like that there's no game plan and i'm not just putting this on obama i'm putting it on the whole world it feels like everyone's just sitting back and watching everyone's extremely worried about political correctness and offending the Muslim nation and so you know everyone's being very kind of kids glovy with the

whole thing and it's like at what point does somebody sit down and say whoa we we got to we got to get freaking real here. We got to get, we got to get stern. We've got to, we've got to implement a plan. We've got to lay down some very strict rules. We've got to kick some ass somehow. And it's, it's frightening because, you know, you ever hear that saying about cancer? There's that saying about cancer. Like, well, everybody knows somebody who's got cancer. everyone's got someone in their family who's touched by cancer and that's a scary thing when we hear that we're all like oh yeah you know it's kind of true my uncle has cancer or uh you know our cousin's mother has cancer or somebody you know has cancer right and and it's troublesome well if this thing keeps escalating where ISIS keeps popping off tourists and innocent people and Christians and whoever else they're popping off, we're going to get to a place in this world, in this society that we all live in,

where that's going to become the saying regarding radical Islam. People are going to say, yeah, I had an uncle who was, yeah, he was slaughtered at work. Yeah, my sister's best friend was shot up at a beach in Thailand. Yeah, my dad's brother got shrapnel in his arm when a bomb went off in downtown London, England. Yeah, my third cousin was one of the people that was shot up at the Cheesecake Factory in Pittsburgh. Yeah. It's happening. It's coming.

And I don't know. It just feels like this kind of very slow kind of, I don't know. I know they're doing bombing runs over in Yemen, but it just feels like the world isn't standing up to this threat and stomping it out before it gets bigger and grows. It feels like everyone's pretending It's happening to someone else And yes, it's an annoyance And yes, it's a pain in the butt But it's just part of living

And we'll deal with it And I go back to the notion That I think it's because it's so dispersed That people don't fear the imminent danger as much But I don't know Food for thought, man. and I don't have the answer as I sit here and talk about this. But what I do offer up is who does have the answer?

Who should be finding the answer? Shouldn't somebody be finding the answer? When I say somebody, I'm, you know, pointing to the people that we elect, whether it's the existing administration or the new one coming in, whether it be Democratic or Republican. Is somebody going to step up and do something? Because it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. So there you go.

Interesting. Interesting stuff. Now let's get back to something funny, shall we? God, good Lord. Thanks for wrecking the show, ISIS. thanks for making it all so real ISIS See there you go folks If you don't think ISIS is affecting you

It just did right there Isis just stepped on your comedy day But you know me I like to talk about this stuff now and then And I just saw this thing on TV And the representative from the United States Getting on there And given this really screen

Grypted, insincere kind of soundbite. Well, you know, I think as close to 50 people were shot dead or blown up in other regions of the world. Many of them as they laid on a beach on vacation. Some radical Muslim guy just walked out on the beach with an automatic machine gun and just started spraying. I think he killed like 35 tourists. It's like who needs to worry about being attacked by a shark in the water when you've got these guys. I'll take the shark attack any day. At least I can fight back.

Sharks don't have guns. Sharks don't have a radical agenda. At least sharks are killing you because they're hungry. They need meat. They have a purpose behind their murder as opposed to, you know, you're not. up to snuff, you're an infidel. You're not Muslim. You have to die.

Give me a break. All right. Let's lighten it up a bit here. It got a little heavy. interesting things to think about. Here's a crazy news story that I think we'll put a smile back on your face. Made me laugh. Please discover an eight-year-old boy inside luggage going through an x-ray machine at a border crossing.

What the unbelievable. Border control officials have discovered and confiscated No shortage of dangerous illegal and frankly messed up items stuffed in passengers' luggage But perhaps none more disturbing than the small boy Founded a pedestrian boarding crossing this week in Spain On the north coast of Morocco He was discovered when police noticed a strange silhouette in a 19-year-old woman's bag as it passed through the X-ray machine, quickly realizing it was a human, they immediately opened it to find the boy and then arrested the woman along with the boy's father when he tried to cross into the country later in the day. Oh, my God.

And the picture, I mean, they have a picture of the luggage, and I'll describe it to you, with the X-ray. And it literally looks like a large baby curled up inside of a rectangle womb with wheels and a handle on it. Okay? The womb being the roly bag That they have a picture in the x-ray This kid is curled up in there His knees are bent, he's in the fetal position I mean if this kid was sucking his thumb

It would be perfect I would have searched the bag for an umbilical cord It is almost beyond belief to see this x-ray It's ridiculous And then they show a picture of the kid laying in a little bit of the kid laying in a little bit of the kid laying in the x-ray. in the suitcase once the bag is opened in real time, not an x-ray. And this kid's like huddled in there, wrapped in a blanket. And it's unbelievable.

The boy who was eight years old from the Ivory Coast was in a terrible state. A spokesman for the Civil Guard told police, after a medical check, he was turned over to the juvenile prosecutor's office. However depressing it all sounds, the smuggling attempt at least seemed to be out of love. And we hope this is true, says the article. Quote, I just wanted to bring him to the Canary Islands with me, the boy's father. A resident of the Canary Island said, according to the Spanish authorities. This is the first time in recent months that a passengers tried to smuggle another human in luggage.

In March, a man attempted to smuggle his wife across the border, hidden in his luggage. Though at least she didn't have to go through an x-ray machine. Good Lord, how small is this guy's wife? Why not just get one of those big suitcases and throw the whole family in there? Stuff the dog in there? I mean, good Lord. You know, is a plane ticket that expensive? you know what there's no seat sales and we want to uh we want to go to Disneyland with the whole family

but you know four of our kids can't afford to go so kids get in the suitcase don't squish daddy's medicine don't squish the toothpaste we don't want toothpaste squirting all over the bloody clothing and stuff you know what johnny you're you're a little fat johnny you're a little overweight. You know, we're going to FedEx you. Honey, call FedEx. See how much it is to ship a fat fuck of a kid down to Disneyland. I mean, are you kidding me? And then you got to wonder about the X-ray machine because, you know, I think the X-ray machine they use for luggage is not the same x-ray machine they use for human beings when the humans stand in that big x-ray machine. I have to believe that the amount of x-rays going through luggage is a lot more powerful

than the thing they use on us humans, at least I hope so. So here's this kid going through getting, you know, gamma-ray blasted. I'm surprised he didn't come out the other side as the Incredible Hulk. You know, they send in this timid little meek, mild boy. And as he comes out the other side, RURHR! Hulk want first-class ticket. Hulk smash.

Ur-Hulk want priority boarding, or Hulk smash. RR. Hulk want to go to first-class lounge and relax his giant green feet. Unreal. So there you go, gang. If you're on a tight budget You need to travel this year

Just slap the kids in a suitcase You're on your way Wow So there you go We'll leave it there on a rather humorous note Ridiculous But let's get to some announcements Before we shut down the show

Completely Let's see We are now in just July, everybody, can you believe it? We are kind of at the real start of the meat of summer. July and August is when it all goes down. So let me tell you about some stand-up comedy shows. I'm going to be in New York at Levity Live.

This is a great comedy club just outside of Manhattan. And Nyack, New York. Levity Live is the name of the club, July 9th through July 12th. Get your tickets at Harlan Williams.com. And then on July 19th for one night only, I will be at the Pemberton Music Festival in Pemberton, British Columbia. That's going to be really cool. That's a huge outdoor festival like Coachella and all that stuff.

Like Woodstock, people walking around on acid. I don't know. And then the end of the month, July 23rd to the 25th, you can catch me at the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Incredible. If you want to see amazing comedian after comedian, you got to go to this biggest comedy festival on the planet, and they have all the top people up there.

And then getting into August, I have one show. One show only. August 20th to the 23rd. I will be in Irvine, California, Orange County at the Spectrum, the brand new improv there. It's like a 600 cedar. They just built it. It just opened like six, seven months ago.

Got to check me out at the Irvine Improv. You can get your tickets at Harlan Williams. Go on the stand-up tour link and you will see all the dates and prices and you'll get linked right to the pages where you can buy the tickets. While you're there, check out the Harlandwilms.com store where we've got all kinds of great merchandise, shirts, books, artwork, music, DVDs, children's books, t-shirts, all there. And while you're there on the page, you can write to me. There's a contact page. You can write to me there at harlomwilliams.com Or if you want a phone and leave a phone message,

323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. The number is on the page as well. Also, join my YouTube channel. You can subscribe. The subscription button is right there on the homepage down at the bottom and you'll get all my wacky videos from YouTube. Join me on Twitter at Harlan Williams. Join me on Periscope at Harlan Williams.

Oh, boy, never ends. So many social media events, so little time. But that's it. I hope you guys had fun today. Don't forget to conserve your water. Don't be a victim of ISIS. And don't stuff your kids in your luggage. That's it for now.

Until next time. Chicken. Chao-Me. need.