The Harland Highway - 690 - AUNT RUTHIE calls in. Drones and pig shit!

Episode Date: August 3, 2015

Aunt Ruthie tries GPS for the first time. A father and son die in the most horrible manner, the drones are coming the drones are coming! Drone a sno-cone!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey now, hey now, hey now, it is the Harland Highway. We are back after a little bit of a break while the old man here went on some much-needed holidays. But a great show today. We're back in the swing of things. Today, Aunt Ruthie calls in. I was away. I guess she left me a message. I have yet to play it. So we're all going to listen to Aunt Ruthie's voicemail together. We're also got a crazy story, a crazy story about it's sad.

I'm not even going to go into it, but it involves death and family and pig manure. And you put those pieces together yourself. Wait, do you hear this story, okay? Also, is it a sign of the times? How many of you out there listening own a drone? That's right. I said it drone. Do any of you pavement pounders own a drone?

Well, if you don't have one, you might be falling behind the times. I mean, I saw a clear indication that maybe everyone should have a drone just today. Driving around, I can't wait to tell you what I saw. So put on your seatbelts, carve yourself a pumpkin. This is the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me.

What is he like? What's he like anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why?

Your man, what do you expect the guy that's jiggle-all, man? It's over, Johnny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird.

Just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get you. Money's worth. Believe me.

The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, bye, I, blah, blah, blah, bye. I hope your summer's gone good, gang.

I really do. It didn't go well for these two friendly father and son team. I feel so bad. Oh, I almost don't want to read this wacky news story, but it's so sad and yet bizarre at the same time. It has to be told. We all have to die, right? We all have to die.

We all come to an end, whether it's laying softly in our bed, or whether we get hit by a bus, or we have a stroke or a heart attack. It's all coming. and nobody wants to die. Nobody, dying, there's no dignity in dying. You're just gone.

But how would you like to go out by falling into a vat full of pig shit? How would you like to die that way? How would you like to be pulled out of a vat full of pig shit dead listen to this story it's a tear jerker it's it's it's almost unbelievable

but here it is it happened in Des Moines Iowa a father and his son who were so close that they were like glue already I'm welling up were killed by noxious fumes from an Iowa hog manure pit oh my god um the father and the son died of poisonous manure pit gases um the poor guy and his son

from iowa were rescued from the pit after the uh sheriff office received a port of two men submerged both were pronounced dead at a hospital um okay well they weren't rescued from the pit were they they were kind of like dragged from the pit if you're already dead you're not really rescued the father and the son were both lifelong farmers and often spent days doing chores

said one of the sisters they loved farming that was their life she said The obituary for the farmer said he made a daily practice of carrying a pocket knife pliers and a tape measure to make quick fixes around the farm. He enjoyed riding a gold wing motorcycle. So here's what happened. I guess the sun went into the pit first to retrieve some equipment and his fatherdom. and the father realized that the son

and all of a sudden become overcome by gases. So the father grabbed his son, was carrying him on his back, bringing him up out of the manure pit. He almost got to the top, and then the father got overcome. And down they went back into the pit. Oh, my God.

Apparently it says it just takes a few seconds for routine maintenance work in a pig barn to turn deadly. This guy, this is coming from Daniel Anderson, a water quality and manure management professor at Iowa State University. Hey, what are you studying, man? Uh, manure management? Uh, hello? Hey, you like, Billy, what's your dad do for a living? Uh, I think he manages manure, I think. I mean, every night he comes home for dinner, he smells like a giant turn.

Yeah, I was going to say it, but I didn't want to, you know, your dad does smell like shit. Well, he's a manure management specialist. Hello? Okay, relax. I mean, who goes into, you know, I used to think gynecology was a weird, um, was a weird profession to get into. but when you hear about these people that make a career out of manure management? So anyways, here's the deadly toxic cocktail that knocks people on their ass. It's the hydrogen sulfide that can be the deadliest of the gas is created when manure decomposes along with the methane, ammonia, and carbon dioxide, the manure management professor said.

How do you do you do that at a party? Hello, my name's David. Oh, nice to meet you, David. What do you do? I'm a professor. Oh, physics, quantum science. No, I'm a manure professor. Will you excuse me, David?

Will I go and get some hors d'oeuvres? Where are you going? Come back. But it turns out farmers can run into trouble when doing maintenance work below the slats or in the pump pit. areas where the manure is accessed to fertilize farm fields. Large ventilation fans and curtains are used to help ensure that the air is safe for people and animals in a pig barn.

So I guess if that stuff goes down, you're in big trouble. The manure professor says when you're working in the animal environment, you're relatively safe. But whenever you're working below the slats or where manure is being distributed, that can be highly dangerous how about highly retarded you do you really want to be at a job that involves manure every day isn't it bad enough when you run out of post-it notes and paper clips and thumbtacks and scotch tape isn't that be the headache of your day but going to deal with clogged manure i got to say maybe you picked the wrong line of work i'm sure you're

just saying? Oh boy. Something as simple as dropping equipment in the manure can send bubbles of hydrogen sulfide into the air. It's especially a problem when people are in confined spaces. So basically you're causing fart bubbles to rise up. The professor, the manure professor says typically we try to avoid going into the manure pit at all costs for the very reasons that these gentlemen died. Jeez. When something breaks the surface of the manure, or if the person is in the manure, again,

you never want to hear that, moving around, that causes more hydrogen sulfide to come out of the manure. That can cause unconsciousness and ultimately death. Boy, man, nothing worse than a manure death. Can you imagine the obituaries? Jim Johnson, 52, family man, proud father of four children, dies from pig shit. Apparently, this has happened before. The Iowa case is not isolated.

On July 7th, a father and son were killed at a Wisconsin farm will try to retrieve a broken wheel from a hog manure pit. and in 2007, four Virginia family members and a hired farm man were killed by gases at a dairy farm while trying to save one another from the manure. Tragedy is often multiplied when family, friends, and coworkers try to help someone overcome the manure pit. Someone else tries to rescue them and is over there,

Overcome by the gas as well, he says, the manure. Can I just call him a shit professor? Isn't manure just a little too fancy? He's a giant shit professor. The shit professor recommends... The shit professor recommends caution when working below the slats and over the manure pit. It's also dangerous when manure is being agitated

before it's applied to fields as fertilizer. And the final note from the shit professor is, I would prefer you some sort of breathing apparatus, he said. So there you go, guys, and girls. Watch your oxygen intake when you're working around shit. And can I just say, I think we've all walked into a public bathroom or the bathroom at the office or into our own homes

after a family member has dropped a giant thunderlog, okay? After someone's released the Kraken? Release the Kraken! Just don't go in there, man. Smash the windows out, punch a hole in the drywall. We've all walked into that wall of stink.

And now we know that it can kill us. so there you go these aren't my words these are the words of the manure professor okay this is these are the words of manure

a shit professor um you know the guy at the the guy at the uh the the professor uh Daniel Anderson

at Iowa State University the shit professor good lord did you take a wrong turn was there was there no openings at the Arby's drive-thru window I mean wouldn't you take minimum wage

before you spent your life being a shit professor and you know if this guy ever gets depressed and decides you know he made a mistake you know how he's going to kill himself right he's going to go to some barn somewhere climb up on the roof and just stare down at a big pile of shit and dive right in oh poor shit professor and rip to the poor souls that drowned in the pig shit

what a way to go so there you go crazy way to start the show but this story had to be told You know, you hear about kids drowning in pools and jumping into lakes and breaking their necks on a rock. Just, this is something new now. Be careful around giant tubs of shit. Oh, poor guys. Everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make

your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harlan. L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland.

Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, it's good to be back. Back, back. Thank you for your patience, everybody. I know the last few weeks have been flashback shows. which I stand by, by the way.

They're just as good as the current shows. They're just older. But I was away on summer vacay. I was away fishing. I was up in Montreal, Canada, doing the Just for Laughs comedy festival. I was down in Florida. I was doing all kinds of nutty things.

So, you know, everyone, everybody. needs a little time away I heard him say from um so I needed a little breaky break and uh and so now we're back we are back uh we're in the middle of summer and uh all kinds of cool things uh going on um we got Donald Trump happening we got uh we got riots happening we got buildings burning We got people shooting. We got puppies being born. Everything's happening.

Life is happening. Ladies and down a month. And speaking of happenings, I got a call from my aunt Ruthie while I was away. I haven't had a chance to listen to it. It's on my answering machine. I haven't had a chance to go through my voicemail messages. So I might as well just play it right now and see what my Aunt Ruthie for. Rochester is up to, so let's do it. Here we go. Aunt Ruthie.

Hello. Hello, Holland. Angel, are you there? Oh, my God. It's Aunt Ruthie calling, darling. How are you, little angel? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Bless your heart. It's Aunt Ruthie calling all the way from Rochester, New York, doll. You're probably there making your Hollywood movies and your televisions and whatnot. I miss you so much, Angel. Big kiss. Listen, Holland, I'm over here in Rochester. Your Aunt Ruthie's here, Uncle Harry, of course, who hasn't been feeling well lately, Angel.

I went over to the drugstore the other day. He had the rash down on his testicles. again. He had the nut rash that they get gone here in the summertime. The pollen flies around in the air little angel and the pollen gets in his old underpants and nuts up his balls and he gets all red rashy and, you know, hives around his testicles. Oh my God, it's so ugly. It looks like somebody threw a bowling ball through a wind tunnel or something until I, oh my God. But anyhow, Dahl, I was over at the drugstore, and they didn't have any of the nut cream for your Uncle Harry,

and I got so upset. So the nice man, Mr. Rutherford, who works up at the front desk, he's been there for years. You might remember him when you were a little boy? You remember Mr. Rutherford? I took you in. You had to get your vaccination, and you were so scared. And Mr. Rutherford gave you a lollipop.

Do you remember that, Angel? And you got it stuck in your hair, and you started. Crying like a little baby. Oh, such a sweet little angel tears. Oh, my goodness. Anyhow, he told me, he said, Ruthie, why don't you put your GPS? We can lend you a GPS of all you can use one right here on your cell phone,

on your cellular. And he hooked it up for me, and I got in my priest, and I was driving over the hill to the other drugstore, and the GPS, I don't even know it. that stands for, Angel. I don't know if it's a garlic bread plus salad dressing or something. I'm not sure with GPS. Golic, Parmesan salad or something. Oh my God, I'm so confused. Why don't they just say it? Why do they use letters, Angel? Anyways, I get in it and it starts ordering your rear Ruthie around. Take a left over here. Take a right over here. Go straight for three miles.

I'll do a U-turn, and 500 feet take us left to the right, and I got so confused, oh, my God, I ran into a fire hydrant. Oh, my God, little angel. The water was squirting high. It reminded me of the time your uncle Harry fell on his back, and he heard his spleen so hard. He started urinating uncontrollably, and it just a giant shot of urine just flew out of his underpants,

up in the straight up into the air and all over his spleen. face the little angel so i smashed a fire hydrant and then the GPS the garlic potato salad said go go right go right 400 feet and turn around so i did and smash i hit another fire hydrant darling so then it says go around 700 feet to lafayette street i go on lafayette street it says go left and then it said go right and i got so confused i smashed into another fire hydrant and now there's a water there's water scooting up it looks like a fucking part of whales are swimming through the streets and the blowing fucking water up in the air holland oh my god so anyways finally i get into this place and i see a sign it says korea town and i'm looking around and there's chinese people

everywhere angel i'm in them what the fuck is korea town and see all i see is chinese people all of us So I rolled down the window, I say, excuse me, can you tell me how many, how many, excuse me, Angel, I got a tonsil stuck in my, could you tell me how to get to the drugstore, please? I'm an old lady, I'm 85, I'm from Rochester, New York, and I swear to God, these Chinese people, it's like they don't know fucking English or something, Holland, it's just so, I yelled to one of the guys, Could you tell me how to get to the drugstore, please? And this guy looked at me with his crazy fucking eyes. I mean, they got eyes like cats and rats, and he just stood there.

He's like, oh, and die a thong, jang, oh. I'm like, holy fuck, what, you just step on a nail or something, pal? What the fuck? What did this guy? I thought he was possessed by Satan himself. He was speaking in tongues all. And I'm like, could you say it clearly, please? He's like, ung-a-tung-a-hung-at.

He's pointing like a fucking maniac with his crazy fucking sideways eyes all. And I was terrified. So, of course, I hit the gas. I was terrified. I went as fast as I get. Where am I hit another fire hydrant? Oh, my God.

The water, there's just water everywhere. And I heard there's a drought. So now I'm all paranoid, oh, my God. Ramboosy. So anyways, I couldn't find the drugstore. I put in this Chinese guy in the middle of Korea now and starts pointing to this building. I guess it was some kind of drugstore.

And I go in there and this Chinese guy's barely speaking English. He's like, oh, you husband, he got rash on testicle. This is what you need. You try the rattlesnake lips. I'm like, what the hell is he talking about? Rattlesnakes even have lips, so he gives me this powder. That got me an arm and a leg. Now I've got rattlesnake lip powder.

He goes, oh, you can put up red rash on the testicles. You use zebra colon. I'm like, what the head? Did you just say zebra colon? And he says, yeah, I say zebra colon. Why don't you just say zebra asshole? You asshole. So now I got a bag of rattlesnake lips and zesore.

zebra colon and then he has this to throw in some elk testicles you put on your husband's bag so now i've got rattlesnake lip zebra colin some elk testicles i take them home to cousin uncle harry oh my god he starts rubbing them around it's all of a sudden it's like mat damon's i bought a zoo all around your uncle's penis i mean good lord holl and his penis i mean good lord The rattlesnake juice and the zebra's powder and fucking shelf balls all over your uncle's balls. I mean, oh my God, Holland, it was just horrific, just horrific. So Uncle Harry's laid up in bed, and oh my God, I just wanted to give you an update, Angel, because Uncle Harry loves you so much, and so do I, your Aunt Ruthie,

and we miss you so much. I hope you're doing good over in Hollywood, doing your... your movies and your television's angel oh you're such a beautiful boy i just want to rub cauliflower all over your forehead um big kiss little angel call aunt ruthy when you can okay angel oh you're so sweet and ruthie loved you goodbye angel oh boy oh poor aunt ruthie good lord oh i got i got to remember to phone her one of these days and just you know check in she always seems like she's in such poor lady um anyways let's talk about uh you know some people find the uh the whole um you know GPS and all that stuff like the modern times and it's a sign of the times

but here's a sign of the modern times. This just happened to me today. And it was a first for me. And I don't know if you guys have seen them. I'm guessing a lot of you haven't. Most of you hadn't. I went by a mini mall like a strip mall. And there was a sign for it was called the drone shop or something like that.

With a logo, within the logo there was a drone. It was a shop for drones. You know those little winged, small little remote control aircraft that all the kids are getting these days and flying around? They're buzzing them over the White House. They're buzzing them over the ocean to look for sharks. They're buzzing them. You know, who knows where else they're buzzing them.

There might be one outside your friggin' window right now. You know? You just thought it was a dragonfly or a hummingbird, but your creepy neighbor, Elmo's watching you get undressed from up the street. I mean, this is becoming a thing now where we're entering into the drone phase of society. Amazon and Google and places like that

want to start using the airspace to deliver packages with drones. Pizza places are starting to talk about it. Domino's drones. And I guess it's a neat idea, but, you know, it's kind of like sneaking up on us quickly. I mean, you've got to figure in your neighborhood, is there a market for drones? Do all the people on your street going? Well, hey, Ed, I haven't got my drone yet. Have you got yours? Oh, no, Dave.

I haven't got mine yet, but I hear a new drone shop open just down the street. Well, what do you say? We jump on the old station wagon and go down there together. It sounds great. Let's go. I mean, we got to have a drone, right? Well, we sure do. I don't know.

Does a drone shop survive? How many people have a need for a drone, man? Does anyone here listening need a drone? Do you need to be at a higher elevation? Do you need a camera looking at things from up high? Boy, I just cut my lawn. Oh, it looks good. But if I could just see it from up above,

if I could pretend I was God looking down at my lawn, does God put me into heaven for cutting my grass so nicely? I need to know. I need to see a God's eye view of my freshly cut lawn. In fact, if I turn this drone upside down and fly it around. The propellers will cut the grass even more closely. Hmm.

I don't know. It's interesting. It's definitely a sign of the times. A drone, it might be fun. You know, now while I'm sitting here talking about it, it might be cool to be able to attach my GoPro or my cell phone or something and do some fancy shooting.

But it's one of those things where you do it once and you're over the novel. Hey, man, you got to see this footage, man. I took some footage of the, you can see the roof of my house. Who knew the air conditioning unit was up there? And look, there's my frisbee. Oh, my God, I lost that frisbee like four years ago. Thank God for the drone.

Thank God I could see my roof. I don't know. How many times do you actually use a drone? So I don't know. I wish this new shop in my neighborhood all the last. luck in the world. I guess it's exciting, but I don't know. Will people bash down the door to buy a drone? We'll find out. Do you need a drone? Am I droning on about this premise right now? I feel like I am. Maybe I'm a drone. Maybe I'm just such a droning, droner, drone talker. I'm officially a

drone. I should go down to the shop in my neighborhood and see what I'm worth. but I can't stop talking. I can't get up out of my chair and leave the studio because I'm droning on and on. I'm a droner. Somebody shoot me. Okay, enough. So we'll see what happens.

We'll follow up on this little ditty. The modern world, man, creeping towards us. More and more and more. Unbelievable. But anyways, as I said, it's good to be back. Back in the driver's seat here at the Harland Highway. We are back to all fresh new episodes here. And some exciting news coming up as we get through the summer.

I'll tell you more about the... We're going to have an app for the Harland Highway coming very soon. I'm also working on a new podcast, which is completely different from what you're hearing here. It's a whole different style of podcast. I believe it's unlike any other podcast out there. It's something I put a lot of thought into. I won't tell you what it is now,

but I will unveil the new podcast very soon. I think if you like this one, you're going to enjoy my new one. It involves, I'll give you a little bit of the outline. It involves guests. episode involves guests. It's got a lot of comedy, a lot of, a lot of flair, and I will shovel out more details as we go along. So two cool things, the Harlan Highway app and an all-new podcast coming out very soon. So stand by for those things.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. As far as standing by for my stand-up comedy, I'm only doing one show this month because I like to take it easy in the summers. If you want to see me in California, I will be in Orange County, Irvine, just outside of Los Angeles, at the new 600-seat Irvine Improv at the Spectrum. That's going to be August 20th through the 23rd.

That's Thursday through Sunday. It's an amazing club. You've got to check it out. So go online, harlandwilums.com. Get your tickets online, you crazy, crazy, crazy bastards. Check out our store, harlorewiliams.com. We have a great store full of fun merchandise, t-shirts, books, CDs, all that fun stuff. And digital downloads, songs, all kinds.

kinds of wacky stuff for you for y'all um check out my app fallopio uh if you're on android you can get fallopio for i think it's 99 cents for hours and hours of fun and blah blah blah blah so like i said good to be back we're only halfway through summer gang so you know kick back enjoy it i have a sneaky-filling barbecue eddie's going to be back pretty soon because you know We are right in the middle of barbecue season and all kinds of other great, great people filling the Harland Highway podcast. So there you go.

I'll leave it right there. Happy summer, and until next time, everybody, chicken chau-main, baby. I'm an old lady. I'm 85. I'm from Rochester, New York. Thank you.