The Harland Highway - 691 - Comedian Cort McCown. Strange things at home.

Episode Date: August 6, 2015

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Welcome to the Harland Highway. Stop it. Stop it, Arland. Stop it. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. I am Harlan Williams, your host. What a show today.

We have a very special guest calling in today. Comedian Corp. McCowan is calling in to tell us about his brand new comedy digital download. he's uh we're going to see if we can get him to play a clip for us on the show very funny guy uh also we are going to be talking about mustache hairs i know i said it mustache hairs and we're going to be talking about um weird things like random weird things that you've done around your house have you ever just done something kind of out of context and weird and something kind of a one-off thing you'd Never do, yeah, you're probably going, yeah, Harlan, you do it every day.

But this one was really odd, and I'm going to share it with you, okay? And then also, oh, my God, I have a great Harland Highway question of the day that I think has affected all of us. This is a question that needs to be answered. It's something that's driven all of us crazy, all of us nuts. We're going to explore it. We're going to ask the question because that's what we do. We dig deep right here. On the Harland Highway.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce... The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me. What is he like? What's he going, anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel strength from nothing. You're going to need a bigger pose.

You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Oh, man, what do you expect the guy that's jiggle-all, man? It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Oh, you get your money's worth. Believe me. Oh, yes, boys and girls. No. Oh, Charles. Nelson, Riley. Why do I do that? What is wrong with me?

And I guess I should lead with that. What is wrong with me? This is, you ever do something so random that it's just, you're kind of like questioning who you are and what you are and how institutionalized you should be? And if you've been listening to this podcast for the last five, six years, you're like, Harland, we thought about that on day one. But anyways, I was rummaging through my kitchen the other day. oh god i got a uh itchy nose i've got a mustache i'm gonna i'm gonna skip topics right here right now i have a mustache and it's getting longer and uh i know a lot of you guys have mustaches these days some of you girls have them i've seen them oh and what happens is as your mustache gets

longer, sometimes the little mustache hairs that are right under your nostrils, they like curve up and go up your nose and they just itch your nose. Like imagine someone's sticking a little hair up your nose and wiggling it around. So when I talk, when I move my upper lip, the damn hairs are like going into my nostrils and like tickling me. And it's, it's like, I'm a constantly touching my nose and I've got to go in and trim them or something. I've got to go get a waxing or a Brazilian on my face or something. It's one of those little things you, you know, you people that don't have facial hair don't think about the torture.

It's like imagine someone just tickling your inner nostril all day long and you're just like, me, like you ever see a little squirrel eating a peanut and their faces? all pinched up and they're like that's what our sort of feel you're just like so anyways so anyways

that's that I had to address that topic immediately because it was happening was happening live in the moment but let's get back to doing weird random things and so the other day I was I was wandering around in my kitchen

and I was like gee I want something to eat I want a snacky poo and I opened my fridge and I was like, hey, wait a minute, what's that? What's that? Something caught my eye in the back of the fridge on the bottom shelf, like some packaging, the colored green flashed by my eyes. I'm like, wait, why do I have green packaging? And I kind of bent down and I looked and I'd had a barbecue about three, four weeks ago.

And, you know, I always say to people, you know, bring what you want to the barbecue. You know, bring your own meat, your own veggie dog. Because people these days, they're kind of a pain in the ass. Remember the old days you had a barbecue? What would you like? A hamburger or a hot dog? I'll have a hot dog, please. I'll have a hamburger.

Nowadays, it's like, who wants a gluten-free vegetarian, vegan dog? Or who wants a broccoli burger and a cauliflower frond? I mean, people, who wants the gluten-free, meat-free hot dog with the chlorine-dipped, cheeseburger, foam particle, asbestos weener? I mean, people, there's so much crap out there now. You can't have a barbecue without taking a chemistry class. So, you know, people brought all their stuff over, and I'm peeking through my fridge, I pull it out,

Like, oh, somebody left a package of turkey burgers, which I've had. They're not bad, but come on, man. If you're going to have a barbecue, it's a hot dog or a hamburger. We ain't at the Ritz Carlton, man. You know, you're jumping in the pool, you're listening to music, you're dancing around, you're drinking beer. Excuse me, sir, can we bring you some more pheasant under glass with that Budweiser Before you jump in the skanky hot tub with human skin flakes floating all around

I mean, God, it's a barbecue, man So I saw this pack of unopened turkey burgers And they're pretty big and they were obviously past their due date. They were like kind of rotten and stuff and I thought, do I just throw them in the garbage or do I have some fun with them? So I thought I'll jump on Periscope, my little app,

and I'll go out in the yard, and I'll see what happens. So I went out in the yard and I started like throwing turkey patties off the cliff at houses down below me. I was frisbeeing turkey patties at other people's house. houses. I put a turkey patty down by a gopher hole on my, on my lawn, see if I could lure a gopher out to a rotten turkey patty. And then for some reason, I thought, I think I'll throw one of these on the wall. So I slapped it on the way. I threw out of his big cement wall on the side of my house. You know, because houses have walls, man. That's how they, that's how they're, that's

so they stand up. So I get this turkey burger. I wind up. I'm like Catfish Hunter in the eighth inning of the World Series game seven. I get this slimy green seasoned turkey burger in my hand. Feels like I'm touching like an Italian guy sweaty back. I wind up, slap, right on the wall.

it sticks I figured it would okay this was three days ago there's still a rotten turkey burger stuck to my wall okay now I'm starting to think what the hell

did they put in these things you ever heard of the glue factory where they take animals they take horses and cows and who knows what else and they grind up their hooves and their antlers their horns and their teeth and that's where glue comes from man you ever hear that saying

taking the horse to the glue factory that's that's like real so now i'm wondering if there's so much like mulched up animal parts in this turkey burger that it's like got glue in it because this like it's the middle of summer this thing is baked onto my wall i'm afraid to take it off i feel like my wall might collapse but above and beyond that it's It's just the fact that I, like an idiot, who, what homeowner here? Let me ask you, and I think I know the answer. How many of you homeowners or renters or roommates, whatever? Everyone listening probably lives in a dwelling unless you're like an African bushman.

And if you are, to you, yeah, that's right, I said it. How many of you have walked out in the middle of the day and slapped a turkey patty on your own wall? Remember I said, I think I know the answer? None of you. But that's what I'm talking about. How many of you just do weird? Have you ever done just a weird, goofy thing?

And I know you all have. It's not the turkey burger, but you've all done something wacky in your homes. Boy, I'd love to hear these stories. because here I am admitting to this. And, you know, you guys, who knows what you guys have been up to? You know, throwing spaghetti in the ceiling fan, screwing a light bulb in your fish tank, I don't know.

What have you done in your place or outside your place that's a little off center? Don't leave me hanging. Call me with your stories. 323739 4330. Tell me the wacky things you've done, or you can write me at harlornwilliams.com on our contact page or leave me a voicemail, like I said, 323739-433.

Can't wait to hear that you're as freaky and twisted as I am. And speaking of freaky and twisted, my God, a friend of mine, a stand-up comedian who's been a guest on the show before. Cort McCowan is calling in. He's got a brand new comedy release. He's going to tell you all about it. We got him calling in on the Harland Highway Hotline. And he's a very funny guy.

He was one of my very first guests on the Harlan Highway way back when. He's been on several times since. he's a good friend of mine very funny guy we work together a lot and uh i'm very excited about his uh his new project and you're going to be able to pick it up uh you're going to be able to purchase it um and i'll let him tell you where i'll let him tell you how but uh let's uh let's welcome on the on the phone here uh comedian funny man actor dashing dashing dashingly uh handsome Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Court McCowan. There he is.

Cort McCowan. How are you, buddy? I'm good, Harlan, Williams. How are you, sir? Aw, it's so good to hear your cheery little cinnamon-y voice, buds. My cheery little chirping voice in the morning, it's kind of like little sweet birds in your ears. It's more like a crow with a tracheotomy, if I'm being honest. That's going to say, let's be honest here. Let's don't lie to each other.

We've been friends long enough. the lie. Well, I was telling the gang before you called in that you, I think you were possibly my first or second live guest ever on the Harlan Highway. It's such a treat, as you would say. What a treat. Well, hey, you got, you got a brand new project out, and we wanted to tell all the listeners about it. So what's it called, first of all? Well, I'm calling it live, Pearl Street. And what it is is I recorded my first CD, although it

is a, it's technically a digital download. Yeah. I will actually have physical CDs later on. Why? Nobody buys them anymore. No, well, who has a CD player? Nobody, they don't even put them in cars anymore, buddy. So the digital

download is probably all you need. I mean, if you want to have a bunch of boxes of CDs around, hey, it's not me to tell you to live your life guy hey yeah exactly you're trying to trim me down um no but i what i did was is i recorded it this down at the lohoia comedy store um and it and lohoya comedy store is on pearl street so i thought well that's a good name life from pearl street yeah it sounds like it's going to be jazz but there's really no jazz there's no jazz music even though it sounds like it um

there's no jazz i apologize to the you know the people that do download it there is no jazz Yeah, but your comedy set is like jazz. It's like when you, we worked recently down in Florida, and your act is like so tight now and so solid that it's kind of like sitting down and watching a highly skilled jazz musician work and just watching you up there, put all the pieces together and bring the whole act together. I'm going to go out on a limer.

I'm going to say it is jazz. It's comedy jazz, my friend. I would say it's a little closer to flamenco than it is jazz. But I appreciate that. It's a tight flamenco because there's that nylon string feel to it. You know, it's not too tinny. You know, it's not too tinny. And flamenco's got, it's flamenco's kind of sexy.

And I told the kids listening on my lead in to you calling that I had to mention what a handsome young man you are and a sexy, Court has the sexy tattoos, and he's in great shape, and the girls love him. So I get the flamenco thing in there, throwing in the dash of the sexy. You got it. Hey, I spent a lot of money on plastic surgery to look this good, so I appreciate it. Really, what's the latest you have? What was your last procedure? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, what I did is I had the face of a younger man placed over my face. How old? It's stretched and tied. You can't really see it because of the wig. But it really looks good.

I mean, up close, you really can't tell. How old was this younger man you had put on your face? He was only 14, but he was a willing participant, you know, willing participant. He had a really bad sunburn, and it was peeling, and we just took it all off at one time. You know, it just placed it on. It really sounds bad to say, I had a 14-year-old boy put on my face. It just doesn't sound right. Yeah, well, you know, if you're going to go there, you know, I can't stop you.

Now, this is just so everyone knows, this is a live recording, right? You did it in front of a live crowd down in La Jolla? I did, and I did something that I thought was kind of fun is I took the, you know, a lot of times when they do CD recordings and people record live shows, they do a lot of where they drop the mics, you know, they have audience mics. Yeah, right. The mics are down in the audience. Sure.

You know, it's all mixed together nicely, but you kind of, you know, you're out in the audience and you're kind of hearing it. I had a really great sound engineer. This guy was a really, really brilliant guy. And what we did is we actually took the audience mic and we put them behind the stage. So you actually, the album, the whole CD, whatever you want to call it,

the whole thing you hear is as it's I would hear. So it's really like the mics are right behind me. So you're really going to feel of what it's like to hear the whole show. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, so it's got kind of an interesting sound to it. I really, I really think the guy did a great job. So it's like not only a hear in the crowd, but it's like the listeners, like, it's almost

like they're on stage standing beside you type of thing. Exactly. Okay, the big question, because, you know, this always happens in the live recordings. During the recording of your sexy flamenco jazz album, did you get any hecklers? I didn't get hecklers. It's interesting because I don't do. like, you know, I don't really do a lot of stuff with the crowd. I do a little bit with the crowd, but it was kind of one of those nights where it's kind of

magical where everything kind of really came together. Oh, that's awesome. It really was. It was really one of those really fun, fun, fun things. Isn't that the best when you're recording a live album and it just happens to be one of the nights where everything's amazing and clicks? I remember I recorded a live album. I did an album called Harlarious and we decided to.

record in St. Louis at the Funny Bone. Oh, yeah. And the Funny Bone had built a jazz club on the other side of the drywall. So about 14 minutes into the recording of my album,

the band in the next room started playing live and you could just hear them thumping right through the wall and it was a nightmare. But to hear that you had one of those magical amazing nights is fantastic. Well, let's be honest. I did four shows, and the first show was a nightmare. And the second show, everything clicked perfectly. And then when you get that one show, that one hour that's like, it's just great, then you can really relax and enjoy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's funny because when we were mixing this, when we were mixing this, we really used all, I mean, out of an hour, out of the hour set we used. 50, like 55 minutes is off from the second show. So it was really, really fun. It was really, really, really fun. I really had a great time. Okay, so people who want to get your fantastic album, give us just a little insight into what you're talking about on the album because we can talk about, oh, a comedy album,

but people might want to know what kind of topics you're covering, what kind of stuff they can expect to hear. Well, what I did is I talk, it's basically, a lot of stories about my life. I talk about my, you know, I had an experience on a cruise ship, which I don't recommend to anybody, so I talk about that. You know, I talk about my visits to the county fair as a kid. You know, I talk a little bit about where I'm from, which is, you know, the great state of Oklahoma. And, you know, talk about relationships, but not, you know, not, you know, just kind of my experiences through my eyes. Yeah, you know. And, you know, it's fun.

It's a fun CD. It really is. It's not for, you know, the 10-year-olds, but it's, you know, it's not anything that anybody's going to be offended by. The, I remember hearing you, you know, because we're buddies, you told me about the cruise ship. And I remember one of the things that busted my gut is I remember you got on, you were on this cruise ship and you were telling me how small and shitty the rooms were on the, do you remember you telling me that? story oh yeah it's it's it's like a it's like a cell at county you know it really is it's just a couple of cots and you know i mean they have orange jumpsuits that are hanging in the closet just in case you need something to wear it's it's not fun man it's not a fun place to be

are there on the orange jumpsuits is there is there actually numbers on the back or anything or what it has it has your room number just in case you need to know where you are you know or what line you are in the buffet which everybody's in all day long so uh it's good it's it's don't don't do it don't do it well you were on the cruise ship was it was it one of those things like i've been on them and i don't know why but they seem to be a magnet for like heavy people like a lot of overweight people on the cruise i don't seem to be tons of them everywhere well i think the average weight is about 75% body fat so i think i think that's pretty much the average and then that you know the attire is cargo shorts and feet of sandals

and you know with little corn chips that just dangle off the end of their feet so it's not pretty did you say pita sandals what's that did you say pita sandals no i said corn chips dangling off their feet

no but they're sandals what kind of sandals were they're tiva or tava or whatever they're awful oh i thought you said pita like they actually put like they made pita bread sandals and put them on their feet but i guess that one makes sense because they'd eat their own feet No, but it does look like they're baking bread. So, you know, they're a little thick down there.

Oh, my God. So I got to ask you, since we're all excited to hear your digital download, you can't call it CD anymore. That's like saying my VHS. You got to wipe CD from your vocabulary. The kids nowadays don't know what a CD is. Okay, so my cassette, when you get this cassette, that when you're playing this reel to reel let me tell you um no but you got to go go to all things comedy dot com yeah which is where where your podcast you do your podcast on the same

network yeah um all things comedy dot com you can get you can get it there it's available now you can pre-order it now it's only 999 um i'm kidding oh wow it's only it's only 999 it's very inexpensive yeah almost all the money is going to iTunes so that's your charity iTunes yeah i think we're all experiencing that yeah yeah so um but you can get it you can search on iTunes live from pearl street or my name court mccowan or you can even go to my website court mccowan dot com and if there's a link on there to get the CD or get the digital download thank you kids there you go now you did it you did it you're in the zone all right well let me ask you this um you know since we've been talking about it it sounds great

Would court Macau and be willing to send a little sample clip to the Harlan Highway so we can put it on the show and let people hear them and kind of, you know, tease them and tise them and get them to go and buy the whole, uh, the whole digital download? 100%. Yes. Okay. Foucher you heard it. We're going to, we'll get that over to it. We'll get that over to the big H.H. today. Oh, beautiful. So we're going to get an exclusive first hearing of Court's brand new digital download, and we'll cue it up here just as soon as we hang up from court, and you guys can listen to it, and hopefully you'll go and buy this hilarious digital. We should just be like a DD, digital download. The DD. Get the DD. Get the DD. Get the DD. TV. And And you will be, be okay.

Yeah, because I think we should start that because saying digital download is like too technical. It doesn't sound fun. But if you just say, hey, get the DD, that's kind of hamp and cool. I think we started something here. I think we did. I think we did. But, you know, I think you'll love it. I'll send you a fun clip.

I'll send you a clip about the cruise ship. That's what we'll get. Yeah, yeah. Oh, please. We'll get it. It is summer and everybody's going on vacation. So we'll give them a little taste of a real vacation. All right, Cort.

Tell us one more time what it's called and where we can get it, and then we'll roll into the clip. It's called Cort McAllen Live from Pearl Street. You can get it at all thingscom, or you can go to courtmackowen.com, and that's C-O-R-T-M-C-O-W-N.com. Or just go to iTunes and search for iTunes, live from Pearl Street, Court McCown.

All right, guys. You heard it from the man himself, hilarious new D-D, and we're just going to say goodbye to you, Court, and then we're going to roll right into it. So, buddy, thank you for calling the Harland Highway, and we're super jazzed to hear your new album. And thank you so much for the sample-free clip. Hey, buddy, thank you so much. And free bread sticks to everyone, buddy. Free bread sticks at Olive Garden.

Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. We are rolling into Court McCowan's brand new comedy, DD, Court McCowan live on Pearl Street. I don't know, man. But I do. I love my family, man. I come from a great family, man.

They're wonderful people. Have you ever been on one of those family vacations that sounded really good until you got on the vacation and it's a shit show? Has anybody been? on a cruise, has anybody ever been on a cruise? Royal Caribbean, go fuck yourself.

I got dute. Have you seen the commercials? Holy crap. Hot girls and bikinis diving in the pools. Well-behaved kids playing on deck. Happy, good-looking people interacting with each other. None of those people are on my phone. There were five thousand.

people with 75% body fat, strapped in Tiva sandals, look like they're baking bread right there on their feet, with little corn chips dangling off the end. Feel my pain, feel it. And they're just fucking sweating across the deck every day. You know where they're going? The goddamn buffet!

That's all anybody does is eat on these phones. 24-7, man. I walked into the gym. Ghost town. There's dust on the treadmills. But every fat ass in America rented a scooter riding around the top of that ship looks like NASCAR on a Saturday.

Eight days. Eight fucking days. Oh, and there was this one guy, man. I swear to God, I love this guy, man. His name was Bubba. Bubba, shit you're not. Bubba from Arkansas. Bubba was about 5-6-380.

We're cargo shorts stuffed with Reese's in case of an emergency. My brother and I would wake up in the morning to watch him eat at the buffet. He would stack a plate like an art form. He would have scrambled eggs as a foundation. Then he put egg rolls, his little columns all around it. Put pizza on top of that, like ice cream and everything. And then he put a Diet Coke under his arm. Bubby, you got 82,000 calories there.

Drink the fucking Coke, man. And people always tell you, don't worry about the room. Don't spend your money on the room. Fuck you. Spend every nickel you ever earn Spend your kid's college fund on that fucking room Get something with a window or a balcony

I was in one of those holding cells On the inside of the boat Four by six room, two cots Orange jumpsuit hanging in the closet And there was a drain in the middle of the room Hand to God I thought that's where you peed the first three days I was there.

Did he find the bathroom, this fucking closet tucked behind the door? I'm shit like this for five days. Oh my God. And you start to hate people. You hate people. You see the same faces every day.

You're like, if I see you walk by my door one more time, I'll stab you in the fucking neck i swear to god i will i'll burn those lord of the flies kids you drag around this boat that's why they have shore excursions if you don't know what shore excursions are they're time out so we all don't ship each other on this goddamn boat we went to mexico what a shit hole this place is Mexicans, I get it now, run, jump, swim.

Get the fuck out of that place, man. It stinks. And we were in Cozumel, which is the French Riviera, this dust bowl of the country. And what they do, man, is you're sitting in your room and you have these little bitty TVs and they play these subliminal messages over and over to get you to go on these shark excursions.

Like you're just sitting there all day long It's like, do you want to go snorkeling in Mexico? Wake up tomorrow I'll go snorkeling in Mexico Ooh, you should go snorkeling in Mexico My brother and I are sitting there going We'll do anything to get off this fucking boat What do we got to do? This was the commercial, I swear to God,

word for word. I memorized it. It must have played a thousand times It goes, Are you ready to go snorkeling in Mexico? You'll be picked up on a 50-foot catamaran As you sail a look at Blue Waters, you dive amongst Corrieve, swim with pretty tropical fish. That's not what happened.

No. Five Mexican guys with an Australian accent pick us up on a 10-foot trash bar. That's all I could call it. It looked like the POW ship from Waterworld. Remember that fucking thing? And I'm picturing this beautiful island and anything. We're 10 feet away from the cruise ship.

They lower drawbridge just start fucking kicking people off. We're out there swimming through diesel fuel. The water looked like the bottom of a dumpster after Mardi Gras. There's no fish living in this water. You couldn't see a reef if it was in front of your face. I saw like a half-eaten box of adult diapers and a bunch of chicklets. and then we went to Jamaica.

Oh, dear, what a wonderful place that is. If you're a criminal. They got four-year-olds with glocks tucked in their diapers, man, smoking cigarettes. And we had this couple, man. We had this old couple that stayed next door to me and my brother. They were so nice, man. man they must have been on a thousand cruises and every time we would stop

somewhere they'd come over like Julie Cruz director knock on the door and tell us what we had to do so we're in Jamaica oh my god court we're in Jamaica you have got to go kiss the dolphins it's only two hundred and fifty dollars I'm thinking two hundred fifty dollars this dolphin better have no teeth swim up suck my dick when I get this pool I live in California, that shit's free, bitch. My brother and I want somebody at the casino. We're like, let's go get our dick sucked by a dolphin.

But I got to tell you about this, man. We went on this excursion thing, man, and you go, we get in this bus with about 25 people. The driver has a gun on his lap. We go through three goddamn war zones to get to this aquarium. And then you come off this bus. and you go to this hallway

and you're going to the water the water's wasting they hand you a life fest like you're going on the goddamn Titanic man I swear to God you got this huge life vest on and everybody wades into this pool of dolphin shit

that's all I can do it it's disgusting one of the dolphins had a cold sore shit you're not it was disgusting and then there's all these people stand in and they just parade these poor mammals

by like their Singapore sex slaves everybody's just molesting of one by one and the guy next to me turns to me and he goes whatever you do don't touch the dolphin's penis like the last thing I want a picture of my mantle of me jacking off a dolphin the harland highway question of the day okay here it is and it's a real easy one this this should be easy to answer not can somebody please tell me the question of the day is Can somebody please tell me who manufactures the tables and the chairs that wobble?

We've all been to the restaurant, we've all been to the cafeteria, we've all been to the outdoor cafe. You get your food, you're all excited to sit down with your friends, maybe have a glass of wine, enjoy an outdoor meal, birds are singing. You're going to be sitting with your friends for two. hours. And the minute you sit down, wobble, wobble, wobble, whoops, crunkle, crinkle. Oh, is my drink in a spill? Whoops. Oh, that's uncomfortable. I'm trying to cut my steak and I'm rocking the whole table while I cut the meat. It's like causing everything to fly all around. Wobble, wobble, wobble, warble, wobble. Is it not the most annoying thing on planet Earth? when you get that little wobbly table or the little wobbly chair.

And I'm like, how does it happen? Do they manufacture them that way? Does the foreman at the table company come along and say, hey, Mel, just shave about a half inch off one corner of the base of that table. Why would I do that, sir? Well, so it wobbles when people sit down. you idiot oh of course there i mean how with the precision they have in manufacturing these days everything's like done by lasers and you know machines and you know when they're putting

together an engine or they're putting together a uh a rocket or they're putting together uh anything that has to be precise they can't be off by a half an inch or a a quarter inch or a third of an inch. So how is it that the table and chair industry continually puts out furniture that might be the most annoying thing on planet Earth, the furniture with the wobble? And if it ain't the table, it's the chair or the stool, and you're sitting there and you're talking, and it's almost like you ever have a fly, fly around your head? and you kind of swat at it every few minutes,

but you're talking to your friend, you're outside, maybe you're at a Starbucks or at a picnic. And you kind of always got to, every few minutes you're distracted by the flight. That's what it's like sitting on a wobbly chair. It's just kind of in the back of your head like a nagging headache. Or the table, you know, you're sitting there talking and you're about to get intimate with your girlfriend, and you put your elbows on the table and you move closer

and you want to look in her eyes. But suddenly you think she's got Parkinson's disease because her head's wobbling back and forth and you realize it's your elbows and the table's moving back and forth and you can't look right in her eyes. And not only is it wobbling, it's making noise. And as I said, your beverages are like kind of jiggling all around.

What am I on an airplane? why why is my wine like waving back and forth it's extremely annoying and then sometimes you get the duet oh yeah the wobble duet let's look let's get the chair and the table together why not just like wait for an earthquake hey uh kim i thought we were going for coffee Yeah, I'm waiting for an earthquake Why? Well, you know, when we sit down I want everything to wobble all over the place

Oh, I know a place down on the corner That has crappy, shitty, chairs and tables And what time do you have me to meet you there? I mean, and that's the other annoying thing. Why don't the people who own these shitty pieces of a furniture Throw them out? just get rid of them you know you you own the establishment your main job is to make your customers feel comfortable and make them want to come back and the worst thing is when you got the wobbly

chair of the table and you go oh god i can't do you know what i'm gonna there's another chair over there and you swap them out you grab a chair you know everyone's looking at you what's that guy doing What's he doing? Playing musical chairs? Why is he grabbing all the furniture? Why did he grab the chair? And so you got to like lug another chair over and take the wobbly one back and then you plop down.

You're like, ah, at last it you wobble, wobble, wobble, oh God. This one wobbles too, huh? And then you go to the old, you know, you get the four packs of sugar from the sugar dish. The little paper packet, and you start sticking those under the chair. Next thing, you know, they break open. You got ants crawling up your chair. I mean, in what world do you live in when a packet of sugar is a fix for furniture?

Or you're folding up napkins or tablecloths or menus. You're looking for crap in your purse. Suddenly you came for a Danish pastry and an orange juice, and suddenly you're MacGyver. You're fixing the outdoor patio furniture or indoor. And then if you've got a romantic place where it's supposed to be a little high end, you got a candle on the table,

that thing's flickering like you just had a seance and a dead spirit's about to make contact. Sitting there enjoying your lobster. It's like, Jesus Christ, what's going on with the candle? Why is it flickering? Oh, my God. I think there's a ghost camera. Oh, my God, I'm so scared.

So can somebody... I mean, where does this furniture come from? Is there a company somewhere called Uneven Furniture Solutions? Is that what's going on? Custom Unfinished Furniture Importers? Wobbly Furniture.com? Where is it coming from?

Who's made? manufacturing it and why are people buying it well look at this if we buy this crooked furniture that wobbles all over the place we save look at this $80 per piece who cares if our customers aren't happy have they ever heard of fucking jello but they can pretend they're eating on jello they're just wobbling all around so I don't know, does the furniture come and it's normal and by people sitting at it? Does it wear out? Does it, does it, you know how?

You ever look at the bottom of your shoe after you've walked in it for two years? It's like the soul's all uneven and it's worn out on one side and you walk like a crab or a turnip or a blue heron or something? But my question is, how does a table, you know, tables aren't walking around even though they have legs. chairs aren't walking how do they get shaved down how do they become wobbly and get parkinson's oh so there it is man yeah you hope you can hear how annoyed i am but that's why this has to be the question of the day where the hell is that crap coming from the harland highway question of the day one cheeseburger with everything coming up oh boy so there you go Oh, frustrating.

Frustrating. I'm sure all of you have had an experience with it. If you want to call in and share, you may. You may vent here on the Harland Highway. 323-739-4-330. I don't mind if you vent. Or you can write me at Harlemwilliams.com. Hit our contact page and, you know, say whatever you need to say,

to get your wobbling furniture off your chest. Hey, I want to thank Cort McCowan one more time for his great interview and his hilarious bit that he sent us. He kind of gave us a sneak peek. As you heard from court, the DD just came out, so you are some of the first people to have a listen to it. And I urge you to get it.

I mean, if you like just that quick little snippet, the rest of the DD is definitely right up there. Just funny, funny stuff. And I think you'll get a lot of enjoyment. I think he said it was like nine bucks or something. That's a great deal. And court's a great guy, very funny guy. Works really hard. Writes a lot of great material.

And I don't think you'll be disappointed by the, the rest of the D.D. It is a winner, as they say. Winner, winner, Court McCowan's chicken dinner. So thanks to Cortt for calling in, and let's get to some announcements here, shall we? You crazy knuckleheads? If you want to see me do some live comedy, not Court McCowan, he doesn't get it all. Hello? I mean, I love court, but does he get it all? No, how about I get a little of the of the laughs. Come and catch me down in the Irvine Improv later this month.

We will be down there August 20th to the 23rd. That's Thursday through Sunday at the Irvine Spectrum in Orange County, California, just about 40 minutes south of Los Angeles. And they just redid the club. Now it's like a brand new club. a 600 cedar for god's sakes and uh wow it is going to be a blast have a great opening act eddie de la sepa is there and uh it's going to be a really great show so get on harlem williams dot com uh you can go right to the link and reserve your tickets now uh we'll be doing a meet

and greet after the show will be uh will be shaken hands selling my crazy uh magical fuck-off t-shirt and it's really going to be a great time great way to kind of i don't want to say summer's over but it's like the you know the last uh one of the last weeks of august so it's a kind of fun way to kind of segue uh towards uh the fall and uh i guarantee you're going to have a good time down at that show so uh august 20th to the uh 23rd irvine Improv, the Spectrum in Orange County, get your tickets at Harlandwilliams.com, and we'll see you there. Also, we're at Harlan Williams.com, as I said, leave a voicemail if you want. 323739-433.3.3.3.3.3-3-3-433. That phone number is on the site, if you forgot.

Also, check out the store. We have some great merchandise at the Harlan Williams.com. store you order it we mail it out to you and you're good to go we got the magic fuck off t-shirt we got books we got uh CDs we've got D D's we've got artwork we've got music we've got all kinds of great stuff you can peruse the website and find things that suit you or tickle your fancy also join me on Twitter at Harlan Williams and periscope where I've been doing some fun periscoping. The other night I went through the Wendy's drive-thru and I do an effeminate character

named Charelles and he goes through the drive-thru and he's very naive and he asks for things and we film it live. We broadcast it live and you can watch me messing around with the drive-through people. It's very fun. So get on my periscope and of course subscribe to the YouTube channel. where I am putting up some crazy videos. Just put up a new episode of fish slang, fish slang, my crazy stunt show.

We shot a rap video about ping pong. It's very ridiculous. I think you'll get a kick out of it. But if you join my YouTube channel, these videos come to you the minute I post them. You don't have to search around for them. There's no fee. There's no hidden gimmick or charge. You just hopefully get a laugh out of the ridiculous stuff.

it comes into your inbox. And that is it for now, I think, gang. My faithful pavement pounders. Once again, pick up Courts DD, live on Pearl Street at iTunes and other various places that he mentioned. I think you're going to love it. And that's it.

Until next time, everybody. Chicken. I mean, baby. You have got to go kiss the dolphins. It's only $250. I'm thinking $250. This dolphin better have no teeth, swim up and suck my dick when I get this pool.