The Harland Highway - 693- CHIN HO from Hawaii 5-0. Crazy fish and languages

Episode Date: August 13, 2015

Chin Ho from Hawaii 5-0 drops by to share crime stories. Crazy fish species and crazy languages. A fight with some of the Pavement Pounders. Wish on a fish!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right. Here we are. We are all assembled. We are all in the circle holding hands. We are all... What are we doing? Oh, we're on a podcast. Sorry. It's the Harlan Highway podcast, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. Glad to have you here. What a show we have loaded up for you today. Later in the show, I get into a voicemail war with one of my pavement pounders. It's a real war of words. It gets heated. It gets hot. It gets very very. violent, it gets dangerous. Way to you hear the back and forth. That's later on in the show. Then Chin Ho from Hawaii 50, who drops by the podcast now and then to tell us about crime stories in Hawaii, the big island, he's going to be dropping in. I don't know why, but he likes to come and tell us what's going on in Hawaii. So that's happening.

We're going to be having a discussion about different languages that are spoke all over the world? Do they make you uncomfortable? Do you like them? Do they make you feel like an outcast when you hear them? I don't know. We'll talk about it. And also, we're going to talk about one of God's weirdest creations. There's a type of fish out there. I'm going to call it the teabag fish, okay? And let's see what you think when we get into it. It's weird. It's wild. It's Wacky, but then again, so is this podcast, the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me.

What is he like? What's he's going to like anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're going to need a bigger post. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? What do you expect the guy's a chigolo, man?

It's over, Johnny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. It's just plain weird.

You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money for it. All right. All right, all right, all right, all right. All right. All right. Well, what a show we have today. I want to talk to you guys about, I had an amazing, amazing one-night stand last night. One of the wildest nights of my life. And I want to tell you about all the amazing details. I mean, this girl was insane. We started it off. Wait. Hold on. Hello. Hello. Hello. Come in. Hello. Oh, God. What are you doing here?

I'm here from Hawaii. I know you. Chin Ho from Hawaii 5. Oh, yes. I'm in the middle of a podcast. Yes. Roger, what is Chin Ho from Hawaii 50 doing here? I don't know how he got in here. Well, you're the one out in the control room. Everyone has to get through you. I mean, you must have let him in. I did not let him in. Oh, great, great.

So now he's here. You want me to call security? No, because there's no point. He never leaves. He's a cop. Let's just get this over with Chinho. Hi, what are you doing here? Hello.

Are you all right? Do you need like an asthma pill or something? No. How old are you now, anyhow? It doesn't matter. You said, what's going on? Why are you here? I'm here to talk about crime stories from Hawaii, 5-0.

Department. I'm not sure, Chinho, why we here on the mainland need to know about crime in Hawaii. Is there a lot going on right now? Yes.

Okay, anything exciting you want to tell us about? Yes. Okay, can you get to it, please? I have a show to do. There's been a triple homicide. Okay, a triple homicide, a murder. What happened? There were three boys out on the beach, and they were murdered.

How were they murdered, Chin Ho? With a very blunt object. Okay, a blunt, like a rough. kind of the same size. Okay, the same size as a rock. Kind of the same shape. Okay, so like a round like oval type of shape

or something? Yes, shaped like something very common on Hawaii. What? Shaped like something very common on Hawaii. Yes. the size of a fruit the size of a fruit what like a pineapple oh no no I walked right into that

no turn it off turn the music off I'm not doing this game again every time I say that word you got turn it off I'm not I'm not gonna do this Now, I got listeners that I'm responsible to to deliver a podcast, and I don't have time for you to come in here all the way from Hawaii Chin Ho. Yes. And try to trick me up so I say that word, and you play the theme from Hawaii 50. What word? Pineapple.

Thank you. Oh, no. No. No. Come on. Shut it off Shut it off Shut it off!

Now are you done, Chin Ho? No. What do you got? More crime stories? Yes. What do you got? I have a murder mystery. Okay, and?

We only have two clues. Two clues? Yes. Okay, do you want to give us the details? A body was found on the hardwood floor of an apartment building. Okay, a hardwood floor and an apartment building. And there was a puddle of liquid on the floor, on the hardwood floor. Do you need a throat lozenge or something?

Oh! There was a body on the hardwood floor and on the hardwood floor there's a mysterious liquid. Yes. Okay, and? We analyzed the liquid. Okay, you analyzed the liquid. What was it? It was Snapple.

Snapple! Like the the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. fruity beverage drink. Yes. Okay, and it was on the hardwood floor? Yes. So, we analyzed the hardwood. Okay, and what was the hardwood? It was pine wood. Okay, whoopi-do. You got a body, you got a pine hardwood floor, and you got some snapples spilled all over the place. If you put them together, you might solve the mystery what the floor and the drink together okay you got pine and you got snapple so say it faster pine snapple what pine snapple thank you oh come on are you effing kidding me chin-ho

Turn it off Turn the damn theme music off Are you kidding me, you idiot Turn it off This is the dumbest, most immature thing I think I've ever seen in my life Are you done Chin Ho? Yeah

No Yeah No Oh so there's more, huh? Let me guess What is it? something to do with uh you know what no you got one more what do you what do you got there's been a drowning there's been a drowning yes okay and and wait wait don't tell me let me guess

it was a big big deep pool of you know what juice no oh okay wait let me he was hit on the head with a big giant local fruit that starts with the letter P. Oh. He was stabbed to death with a giant yellow fruit

native to Hawaii that starts with the letter P. Oh. Oh, okay. Then who was this person that was killed? A very prominent Hawaiian citizen. Okay? Do we know this person? Yes. And their name is? It was a very wealthy businessman. His name was Mr. El Panep.

Mr. El Panep. Okay. What is that? French? No. El Panop. Spanish? No. I don't know. Who is Mr. El Panep? What language? What language? is that. If you spell it backwards, you will know. L. P-L-N-E. A-P-L-P-L-N-E. Pineapple? Yes. Oh, you son of a bit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on. Okay, that's it. I've had it. Get them out. You know, I want you out of here right now.

Don't look at me with those little old Hawaiian eyes No Out Pineapple No Out Out Turn the music off

Get out You're a groovy boy I'd like to strap you on Some time God my apologies ladies and gentlemen This guy He shows up from Hawaii From time to time

Gets on our show somehow. I know he probably flashes his police badge around. Weasles his way in the door somehow. I'm not going to let it happen again. Forget it. We're the most ridiculous time wasters ever known to human history. A whack job.

Speaking of whack jobs, have you ever been to a pet shop? I went in a pet shop. And they had all these fish swimming around, tons of fish. And they had these crazy coy fish things. They were like goldfish. And I know you've seen them. They got these great big balls, big bubbles where their eyes are.

It's like their eyeballs are sitting in a great big bubble. It looks like their face is blowing bubble gum underwater. I mean, their face looks like a test. I just I don't get it you know nature has a lot of weird deviations and a lot of defense mechanisms and a lot of patterns and you name it but these these ball-faced goldfish man I just don't get I mean you know these giant air sacs on their face first of all how are they staying underwater have you ever tried to swim underwater with a with a life jacket on or a pair of Water wings, you can't do it.

So as this crazy fish with two giant, like, old man balls on its eyes. Maybe it should be called the T-bag fish or something, because it's got these balls like resting right on its face. They're literally squishing his eyes together. But I don't get how you can have two giant sacks of air on the front of your face and you're just swimming around underwater. like there's nothing to it. I don't get it.

It defies physics. And I'm thinking, is it some kind of mating thing? Are the female ball-faced goldfish attracted to these giant nut-sack-faced teabagg goldfish? Is it a defense mechanism? Is it so that they puff their face up? and the other predatory fish go, oh, man, I'm not eating that. That looks like a bag of balls over there. I can't have my friend seeing me eat and gobbling down balls.

What am I gay or something? I can't put those balls in my mouth. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. count and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And then the other thing is it's nature. So there's always crazy stuff in nature, man. So you're swimming around. You ever blow a bubble with bubble gum? I mean, that's a delicate sack. It's a little sack of air with a very thin wall. That's what this fish has. It's got these The skin is so stretched out on these bubbles on its face. You've got to figure it's very, very delicate. And you're telling me this guy's swimming around underwater where there's coral and sticks

and pointy objects and broken bottles and the teeth of other fish. Who knows what? You know, you've seen these underwater documentaries. Everything's got spikes and thorns and sea urchins and. lobster claws and how do you get away with swimming around with air balls on your face? mystifies me, I'll tell you that much. So I don't know. God creates some really weird stuff.

But I'm going to say right here right now, for the record, I have no idea why there's a T-bag fish, why there's a ball-faced goldfish swimming around. I have no freaking clue. And I'll leave it right there. Cat, hat in French chatechabot. In Spanish, El Gatto in a sombrero. And I'll tell you something more.

Now you listen to me good. In German, I'm a catza. And that is my huts. Is that not a casserhout? Yeah, that is a catterhout. Cazer hood. Yeah, that is a catter hood. Yeah, there is a counterhurt.

Is a glug on blue clock, clank. Are you a fan of other languages? How do you react when you are around other languages? It's kind of a weird, awkward thing. And when I say other languages, I'm speaking from my perspective as a guy who speaks English. I do know smatterings of other languages. I know myself some French and I know myself some German. Because I grew up in Canada and French was mandatory, and I lived in Germany for a while,

and I started to pick it up, and I took some tutoring. But it's a funny, funny thing when you get around people speaking in other language. Like, you ever been in an elevator? You're in very close quarters, and people get on. And this happened to me yesterday. These people got on, this young couple, and they're speaking in, I think, think it was Korean or something. And they're like,

you know, and they're like, Pong da, 229, you know, and I'm just standing there like, you got to kind of pretend. Like, it's almost like you go into this fake like zone where you, you know,

you don't want to feel excluded. You don't want to feel left out. and so you kind of you kind of take this body language like you're kind of hip to it all like you know what they're saying you kind of act like nothing's changed but in your you know your body's like

yeah it's cool man I'm picking up on what you're saying yeah you know your body's just kind yeah okay right yeah I know what you guys are talking but your brain's going oh my god oh my god what are they what what? What, how is that even, what, what, how are they even communicating? What, how are they stringing, how is there another language other than English?

It really is weird and then you get into it and, and you think about, think about how you're listening to me right now. It's just all fluent, it's easy. I'm stringing words, sentences, grammar together, blah, blah, blah, just slinging it out there and your ears are hearing it. Your brain comprehends it instantaneously. there's no thinking about thinking about what I'm saying or the words and the sounds that are coming into your head. Isn't it amazing that as human beings live all over the planet, this same easy stream of communicating that we understand

so easily happens in all these different languages? And if you take the word language off it, it's really just a stream of noises. It's a rhythm of noises. Like, imagine for a minute that you're Chinese and you don't speak a word of English. Okay, I want you to put that kind of in your head right now. Pretend you're Chinese and you don't speak a word of English and you're hearing me talk in English and you don't understand a word.

Listen to this sentence of this little paragraph. I'm going to go to the store today. I'm going to buy some firewood, get three bags. of apples, some potato chips, and then I'm going to go down into the garage, start my car, and drive home and say hi to my wife. Now, you got it all, right? But to another person who's Chinese or some other ethnicity that doesn't understand English, they just heard a bunch of rhythm and words.

It's like, it's like playing a record backwards. Isn't it amazing? Isn't it amazing that at the end of the day That's all it is And that there's so many different languages On the planet And to each culture that uses them It's that easy

It's just the rhythm of sounds And words And you know And stir your language here It's very interesting to me It's fascinating It just kind of shows how genius us human are. Because think of how deep our vocabulary is and our languages and all the words and all the

grammar and oh my God. And so what happens to me personally is when I get surrounded by people speaking another language, sometimes I'll actually turn to them if I'm in, I'll go, what language is that? I try to guess it. I go, is that Arabic? Is that Russian? Is that Portuguese? What is that and usually people are very accommodating because most people are proud of their cultures right the oh this is arabic yes we are speaking arabic um and and it i just find it fascinating man um and sometimes i just want to join in like like the other day i said i was here in the korean people and uh you know i i'm not i don't know the language at all but it was something rhythmic, like, kind of like,

O Thai, oh, no, ta, ting da. And I just wanted to turn around and go, Oh, no, thai, ting da, tina, ha ha ha. And just, like, laugh along. Like, I knew exactly what. Just repeat what they said, even though all I could do was mimic the sounds. I wouldn't know a lick of what they were saying.

But it's kind of fun. I feel like I want to get in on it, man. Hey, I want to be Chinese. I want to talk with you guys. I don't want to be the outsider all alone. It doesn't know what's going on. I want to do with you too. What about me?

But they don't understand my pleads because all they hear is, they don't speak English, see? So there you go. Just an interesting observation that, you know, I wondered how you guys felt about around other, languages. How deep do you examine them when you're exposed to them, when you're confronted with them? It's really, it's really cool. But anyways, enough about that. Let's just keep on rolling in English here for now, okay? Because I don't really do other languages real well. So let's just do

another topic, and I promise I'll keep it to English. I'm serious. I'll tell. I, you English. Hello? Hello. Hey, Harlan. Jeff from Tucson. Um, lately I noticed you've been saying some words a little odd. Um, I won't get into all of them, but I guess in Canada, you may be used, this is how you talk and say things a little oddly. I don't know. Anyway, the latest one was pasta. I'm going to have a big bowl of pasta. It's pasta. Not pasta, it's pasta. You know, I'm from New Jersey and I got that New Jersey accent. But anywhere in the country, most people are going to say pasta. So when you say I need a big bowl of angel here pasta, It kind of sounds like you're maybe a little fruity, maybe in L.A. a little too long, and pasta. I don't know. But try to say pasta, not pasta.

And I'll call back when I hear another word because I think you need to be retrained in how you speak. I'm sorry. we say pasta and you say pasta chicken town name man you know what you you are so right i thank you for this you know i if i don't hear from you guys i don't know that i'm i'm the only one in the world that says pasta and i've been saying it wrong and i feel like an idiot because no one else says pasta let's take another call hey harland it's shelley anyway the recent

I just listened to your episode about confusing meals and I quite often have dinner for breakfast so some of the things that I've made and just today even before listening to your podcast is I cooked up some yummy pasta

and I fried up some mushrooms and tomatoes and spinach and made this yummy sauce and I had that for breakfast. Wait, wait, wait, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. You cooked up some what? I cooked up some yummy pasta. What was it?

Pasta. It's pasta. Not pasta. It's pasta. But wait, you said you made a, I distinctly heard you say you made a big delicious bowl of something. I cooked up some yummy pasta. Pasta, right. That's, that's how you say it, right? Most people are going to say pasta.

pasta it's pasta pasta pasta it did no you sound wrong dude there's no oh and pasta it's spelled P-A-S-T-A pasta it's not spelled P-O-S-T-A and what am I fruity or something you say I need a big bowl of angel here pasta it kind of sounds like you're maybe a little fruity that is fantastic Well, I may sound fruity, dude, but, you know, where the hell are you from? I'm from New Jersey. Well, we got to agree to disagree, because where I'm from, dude, it's pasta. Pasta? We say pasta, and you say pasta.

That is fantastic. Okay, well, I'm not going to start a war about it, man. You know, you say over in New Jersey, you say pasta with a silent O, and I'll say pasta. And when we get to the pearly gates, we'll let God decide, okay? That is fantastic. All right. Well, let me let this young lady finish her phone message, and we'll just put the pasta-pasta thing to bed. And sometimes we have had hamburgers and fries and gravy for breakfast

and then had like a day of binge watching TV, so it's been like just a fabulous winter afternoon thing. to do that or morning afternoon, those are some of the things that we've had. There's even more, but I will leave it at that. Anyway, have a great day back. Oh, well, thank you for the wonderful call. Yeah, she was referring to, I did a segment a few podcasts back about eating breakfast for dinner or doing vice versa, eating dinner for breakfast.

And so she was telling us about her delicious pasta. So there you go We're going to leave it there We're going to leave it there We're going to leave the blood on the floor In the pasta pasta war That rhymed We're going to leave the blood on the floor

In the pasta pasta war I'm like Biggie rhymes here That could be a noodle wrapper Well We're going to leave the blood on the floor In the pasta pasta war All right now I'm getting carried away But there you go.

If you guys want to call and leave your messages about whatever, you see how important this became? 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-9-4-3-30. You can leave me a message on whatever topic you like. You can correct me. You can praise me. You can slam me. You can swear at me.

You can... Hold on. What? One more caller? Okay, we got one more caller. This is an example of what you can do. Hello? Hello?

Hey, Arlen, it's Alex. I'm sitting here at the big-ass line at the in and out like a fucking asshole, like a real goddamn fucking asshole. God damn son of a bitch just sitting here like a goddamn asshole. God damn son of a bitch. Feeling like a real asshole right now. See you later, Harlan. Chau me.

Hey, Alex. I'm sorry to hear you're stuck in the drive-thru lane at the In-N-Out burger. Obviously, you're getting something to eat. If you were smart, you'd avoid that big long line. Next time, stay home and cook a great big bowl of delicious pasta. I think I won that round. I'm not hearing from the guy. oh my god i think i won that round it's pasta not pasta it's pasta

all right all right well let's end it right there no more calls no more nothing sorry to the asshole at the drive-thru uh let's do some uh some announcements here before we shut her down here at the harland highway let lurtles and flernertle blurtles um let's see What is going on next week at this time? August 20th, I will be at the Irvine Improv in Orange County at the Spectrum. It's a huge outdoor indoor mall type of thing. Amazing brand new improv club. They just rebuilt it, 600-seat theater.

It's going to be dazzling. So get your tickets. You go to Harlow Williams. Click on my comedy tour link, and you can go right to the ticket purchase page and reserve your tickets early, ladies and gentlemen. That's August 20th to the 23rd at the improv in Irvine, California, just south of Los Angeles. It's about a 35, 40-minute drive from L.A.

So come on out and enjoy a great evening of stand-up comedy, just as the end of summer draws near, go out with some laughs. And while you're at Harlemwilms.com, check out our store for your very own merchandise. What else can I tell you? You can write to me, you can call me 323-739-4330. You can join my YouTube page and subscribe to my wacky videos and all that great stuff. So I'll leave it there. And until next time, ladies and gentlemen,

Keep it real on, wait, keep it, keep it real in the deal and chicken chau main, baby. And by the way, chau main noodles are made with pasta. That is fantastic.