The Harland Highway - 696 - BATS attack Harland, Phone calls, languages, and TRUMP

Episode Date: August 24, 2015

Harland gets batted around by bats! Phone calls from listeners. TRUMP follow up! Wumpum trumpem!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Boogie nights. We get down. We know how to party. Boogie nights. Wait, wait, wait. It's not nighttime. Maybe it is where you are. It's not night where I am right now. Hey, it's Harlan Williams here. No matter what kind of time of day it is, you're here with Harlan Williams on the Harland Highway podcast. Great to have you here. What a show, what a show, what a show. We're going to be talking today about another freakish summer outdoor. adventure I had. Another encounter with wildlife. It wasn't quite as friendly as my escapade where I was swimming with manatees. This one was a little more dangerous and aggressive. Wait till you hear. We're going to be taking some of your phone calls. We're going to be talking again about some language issues and uh we're also going to uh follow up on the uh the donald trump podcast i got some interesting feedback from the donald trump podcast and uh so much more so uh let's do this gang let's uh let's get settled in put your uh your silver helmet on buckle up your

orthopedic shoes, and let's get ready to rumble. Ladies and gentlemen, you are on the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me. What is he life? What's he like anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel. Stop from nothing. You're going to need a pig of pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. give me a name and a face and a reason why.

Oh man, what do you expect the guy? Check a long, man. It's over, Johnny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't. give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Oh, you get your money for us. Believe me. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is Bobby Wheeler in Orlando, Florida. I appreciate you bringing up the topic of languages. It's really interesting to me. I'm an English teacher. I teach international students. And I was in South Korea for a couple of years, so yeah, I know your feeling of being in the elevator, and it's all awkward.

And, you know, Koreans are very dramatic people, so it must have been very awkward for you. My favorite language is Georgian, and Georgian father is mama, and dadda is mother. So it's really funny to see my friend's one-year-old look at. up at his father and say, Mama. So anyways, uh, cool topic. I like languages too. Uh, chicken time I eat. Well, the way things are going, maybe your, uh,

friend's one year old will be able to look up, uh, at his father one day and just go, Bruce Jenner. Ah, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce Jenner. Father, mother. But, yeah, this goes back to a story I talked about where I was a few podcasts back. I was discussing different languages. And I mentioned I got kind of trapped in an elevator with some people speaking a different language.

Korean, I think it was. But I'll never know because I don't speak the language. But I think it was Korean. and I was talking about how it was kind of awkward and weird but also fun at the same time. So it wasn't completely awkward, 100% awkward. It was more interesting than awkward, but it was a whole blend of those things.

But that's amazing that you study and teach languages. It sounds like you, a guy like you, it sounds like you know like a whole bunch of languages, which I'm always envious of. I always love it when people know many languages and are fluent. And the best part about people like you is when you don't know somebody is fluent. Let's say you have a friend or an acquaintance or a person at work. And you go out on the town or you go to a meeting or you're riding the subway or whatever it is.

And you just think of them as your friend that speaks English. Oh, there's Ed from accounting. Hi, Ed. hello and you're on the subway together or something and all of a sudden beside you you know some guys start speaking Mandarin or someone starts speaking Italian or Portuguese

or whatever it is and this buddy of yours or this acquaintance of yours that you didn't know could speak languages suddenly busts out like a perfect fluent language like German they're like And you're like, Ed? Hello, yes. Are you German, Ed? No, thank you, what's going to be working at IHop?

Ed? Yes. What, shouldn't you be working at IHop? Ed? Yes. What's going? I just find it fascinating. There's a movie. it's with Al Pacino and Al Pacino and Canal Reeves.

And it's where Canal Reeves works at this law firm. I think it's called the Devil's Apprentice or something like that. And unbeknownst to Canal Reeves, the head of the law firm, Al Pacino, is Satan. And there's actually a scene where they're on a subway, and they're in the visit. vicinity of these two thug-looking guys that I think they're Puerto Rican or there's some ethnicity and Al Pacino who's the devil who's really not afraid of anything is kind of like you know looking over towards them and one of the thugs finds this intimidating and a threat so he steps up to Al Pacino and pulls a knife on

him and Canal Reeves is like oh my God we got to get out of here and Al Pacino just breaks into this fluent language, which I don't know what it is, because I don't know the language. But he starts telling the guy that, you know, when he left the house this morning, his best friend went in. They were smoking crack.

He was smoking crack with the guy's wife and doing her up the butt. And, uh, and, and, and this, this, this thugs looking at Al Pacino like,

what, wait, how do you know this stuff? And, uh, it's just really cool. It's exactly what was talking about when someone who you don't expect to know another language bursts into it,

have a listen. So what's this Weaver commission? Oh, I don't like to micromanage. You can find the talent and then you delegate. Who the hell knows for that he's up to? You got a lot of fingers, a lot of pies. Excuse me. What the fuck are you looking at?

Yeah, you. Will you death for something? You don't hear me? I hear you fine. Yeah, so get the fuck out of my car, you hear me find. Why? I didn't know it was your car. I'm having a good time here.

I ain't ask you, motherfucker. I'm telling you, you get the fuck out of my fucking car this. Shit, jump. You're going to put your fucking toilet. Maricela, her. His wife, in the moment that's out of apartment, she was up with Carlos. Myra, my friend,

they're in the pipe, they're in the kitchen, compendium a jungle, and then, in your same camera, He'll say, la ma'ameter, for the cullo. And to her lava cost. In your cama, special. How?

Oh, fuck you know. Stand me vista, and put that the cuchillo. Where it's a... You still got time. There's a train coming the other way. You'll just catch you. You'll thank me in the morning. You're right, man.

Oh, I'm right. You'll see. invigorating what did you say to him I told him that if he didn't leave us alone you were going to kick his ass You hit it to Calvin Look at it, there's a lady getting up from her seat So there you go

By the way, that scene is worth looking at If you're near your computer Just jump on YouTube And type in devil's advocate subway scene and you'll be able to watch it at some classic Al Pacino acting what what a great actor that guy is it's actually a really cool scene to watch so uh hey thank you for your call uh about languages and uh comosta vista Bon Voyage,

on the table, Vigates, Prost, chus, and any other language I can think of. I don't know what I just said, but hopefully you, the language teacher,

understood every delectable word. What we've got here is failure to communicate. The full moon of October is known as the hunter's moon. This October, the hunters will be out in force, filling the hungry sky, and you are the midnight snack. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Okay, so I told you this summer I've been having some, you know, some nature encounters. I mentioned on a previous podcast I was swimming with sea cows and manatees are sea cows. But I ran into something a little more ominous. And I don't know how all of you feel about bats, but that's what I ran into. They're kind of creepy. They're mysterious. They're flying mammals.

Um, people are freaked out by bats. They, they roam the night. They have sharp little teeth. And, uh, a few weeks ago, I was up at the cottage. We have a family cottage. And I was there with my sisters and my little nieces. And, uh, one night we were, um, we were just kind of standing outside as the sun was setting. And all of a sudden, all these bats started flying out from under the, under the rafters.

In the ceiling of the cottage. There was a little crack, you know, the size of a piece of toast. And just these bats started flying out and swooping down on us. And the girls are like, oh, my God, bad. It's like one bat after the other. It's like one of those tennis ball machines you see on the tennis court. It's like the house was shooting out bats. I mean, it was ridiculous.

My sister was screaming and yelling, and my nieces were going nuts. It's just these bad after, bad after bad, where we realize, oh, my God, these things actually live kind of in the cottage with us. They're in the roof, they're in the ceiling. They're in the floorboards. And I was like, horrifying. Not to me so much, because I don't get freaked out by stuff like that.

But, you know, I find bats kind of fascinating. They fly around in the dark. They use sonar to locate things. Echo location. They bounce their high-pitched, high-frequency, like, squeals off of their environment. and the sonar waves bounce off objects and bounce back to them so they can gauge distance.

Technically, they're seeing with sound. They're incredible. Holy popcorn. They're blind. They fly around at top speed. I mean, these things whip. And they're bobbing and weaving and darting. And, you know, it's dark out.

You can't see your hand in front of your face. And these guys are flying around effortlessly. Not bashing into anything. They're picking insects out of the air. They're eating bugs out of mid-air. I mean, they're fascinating creatures. But nonetheless, they have this stigma of being creepy and horrific. And so beyond that, any type of invasive critter into your home can lead to trouble,

whether it's mice or rats or ants or cockroaches or whatever, Bad bugs, cousins, you know, whatever it is. You never want creatures living in your house, especially in abundance, okay? If you get mice in your walls, they can chew through wires. If you got rats in your walls, you can get diseases from their droppings. If you got ants, they can get into your food and your clothing and bed, but you know the drill. so you don't want bats accumulating under your house or in your ceiling because bats for whatever reason they do their droppings where they live

so they hang upside down and they do bat shit all over the place and this stuff starts piling up there's caves in South America where bat turd is like gold they go in and pull mountains of it out apparently it's an incredible first fertilizer. They literally pull out like 10, 15 feet of this stuff stacked up. But the problem is it's full of parasites and it's full of insects and it's, it attracts, you know, bad things that you don't want crawling around in your house. So what I had to do is I had to wait till the sunset the next night and to get the tin snips out. You don't hear that word a lot. Would you pass the tin snips please? Oh, oh, no, oh, Charles. But I just said it tin snips or wire cutters, you know,

and I had to get this screen meshing, this metal meshing. And I had to cut out some pieces. And I had to stand there and watch all the bats fly. out. And then once I was confident most of them were out, I had to go up, climb up on the side of the roof, on the wall underneath the awnings. I'm like Spider-Man, not Batman, Spider-Man, crawling around on the walls and the roof with a staple gun. And it's kind of sad, but I had to blast the staple gun and put the meshing over the entrance and exit to the Batcave. D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Bat-Bat-Bat-Bat-Bat-Bat-Bat-Bat-Bat-Met-X and whatnot.

It meant that when they flew back to their home, there would be no way to get in. And sadly, I knew there was probably a few little bats locked inside, probably some Bates, bat's there there probably be some casualties but as much as I love the critters you can't let them live in your home because it just leads to a lot of problems expensive problems health issues and so I tried to be compassionate I tried to let every as many bats as I could fly out of the nest out of the bat cave and so hopefully you know 99% of them were we're out. And so what happens, we're out there, and I'm doing all this stuff, and all of a sudden the bats kind of get wind of it. I'm like, uh-oh. And now the bat starts circling back.

It's kind of like you ever kick a hornet's nest, and they start swarming around. They know something's up. So the bat starts circling around, and now I'm up there dangling on the roof, like one of the great zucchini brothers from a circus or something. And the bats are swirling around my head like I'm in a blender full of bats. And my sisters are like holding the ladder and holding the flashlight. And she's like screaming and my nieces come out and they're screaming. They're going to get my hair. They got blankets over their heads and baseball caps.

And we're in like a bat, a bat, a bat. You ever been in a snowstorm like a snow flurry where there's giant snowflakes flying all around? This was like a bat flurry. I mean, these things are swooping, dive bombing me, shrieking. You know, coming at my head, I'm hanging on the wall, I'm hanging off the roof. It was crazy. Holy jack in the box. Got a staple gun.

That's not a weapon against a bat. Come here, I'm going to staple you. You couldn't catch these things. If you try, they just move all around. So it was quite the crazy night. Quite, quite the kind of scary and daring ordeal. Now, none of the bats actually landed on me or bit me or attacked me, but some of them came pretty close, man.

They were not happy. They were swooping right past my face. Some of them just a few inches away. I was like, whoa! Holy fly paper! So there you go. Just another Harland Williams' outdoor nature adventure. Holy ravioli.

Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan, Bobby Wheeler, Orlando, Florida, calling again about languages. I wanted to add that I also taught English in Iraq, the Kurdistan area. And Kurdish language is funny because in Kurdish, sir is caca, and Mr. is cock. So when we went to the restaurants with my American friends, you know, and we wanted the waiter, we'd say, caca. And for them, it's polite, but, you know, we're dying laughing because, you know, caca is in French, Spanish, in Italian, and he's like, crap. So it's like, hey, a piece of crap.

and uh cock is mister so amongst our american teacher friends we used to say hey cock town hey cock step and uh we just die laughing and you know the kurdish people just thought we're being really polite to each other so languages are cool all right have a good one hello mr cock poohoo oh hello mr poohawk Hello, Mr. Cock, Poopoo. Hello, Mr. Poohawk. Hello, Mr. Cock, Poopoo. Hello, Mr. Cuckoo Pop. How are you? Would anyone like some Coco Pop?

What did you call me? Cuckoo Pops. No, I distinctly heard you call me Coco Pop. I said, How are you, Mr. Caca, Poopcock? What? I'm getting confused. I'm getting confused as well. Cork. What? Caca. Did someone say caca?

I said cock. Did somebody say caca, cock? Over here. Cork, caca. I'm totally mixed up now. I don't understand any of it. Cork. Caca. I want cock.

I'll take some caca. What the hell is happening here? Oh, God, forget it. I'm all mixed up. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. Let's move on to another topic here. I got a really interesting phone call. I did a, the last podcast I dedicated to Donald Trump.

And, you know, I'm digging this guy. I'm enjoying the ride. I'm enjoying what he's doing. I think he's, as I said, last podcast. He's no worse than any other clown that's out there. And, you know, it was funny because I don't generally love to get too much into politics and stuff, but this guy's such a phenomenon. And I actually recorded, you know, an episode about Trump and I deleted it.

I was like, I don't want to put it on the air. People are just going to, people get so fired up about this stuff. I'm not going to do it. And then I recorded another one and I erased it and I did some more. And I don't know why I was struggling. struggling so much with it. I think I was afraid of all the feedback from people being,

you're an idiot, and then I thought, you know what, I don't give a crap of people. Say, I'm entitled to my opinion. And if I like something or don't like something, then there you go. And if you don't like something and you don't, or you like something, there you go too. That's what makes the world go around, right?

So at the end of the day, I put the Donald Trump episode up last episode, and I sincerely was expecting, just a barrage of people, you know, slamming me and calling me a moron and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Although my episode about Trump was also about the whole political system in general. But to my surprise, I got some really nice feedback from a few people. I actually got a call from another, like a news show that wanted to interview me and talk about what I had said about Donald Trump. so I did that.

I did a half-hour interview with a news show. I got an email from somebody. I got a voicemail from somebody. You know what? I'll play you the voicemail I got, and I'll read you the email I got, and I was quite surprised and quite pleased. And in retrospect, I was glad I put it up there.

So there you go. No filter here at the Harlan Highway. Let's listen to some kind, words, supportive words, from a pavement bounder who claims he never normally calls into shows. Harlan, this is Dr. Scott. Actually, Harlan, this is somebody who's never called before, and I just wanted to say that your show on Donald Trump, who I don't particularly like, was one of the best shows you've ever done. So, uh, keep up for good work and chicken chalmayne.

Hey, wow. Thank you. Thank you for that great message. I appreciate that. That means a lot to me. Holy smokes. I did not expect that reaction. And let's check out the email I got. The name is J.M. And the subject matter was Trump. And J.M. said, Harland, I personally don't like Trump. but I think your podcast on him was one of the best ever, not just for comedy, but for everything. Politically and socially, an eloquent and thoughtful podcast. It surprised and delighted me. You rock.

Thank you, he says. Well, boy, oh boy, thank you. It's always surprising when you get feedback that you don't expect. And maybe I shouldn't be so surprised. there's going to be people that like what I said and don't like what I said. But what I like about this email is the gentleman said he didn't really like Trump. And I'm wondering if maybe the email writer is the same person that left the voicemail. Just kind of hit both my outlets there.

You never know. But either way, I thank you for your feedback. And if you don't like what I said about Trump, you can definitely voice your opinion as well. I'm open to hearing it all, man. um it's a treat so i'm i'm uh i'm gonna leave it right there gonna leave it right there on a uh an up upbeat note and uh may a million bats fly to your hair what wait what um let's let's do some announcements before we get out of here ladies and gurgle glaggons whatever that is um let's see what we got going on not a lot i don't have any um any stand-up gigs coming up i can tell you about at the

moment um but uh please go to harland williams dot com check out my stand-up schedule and you will see some that are coming up in the fall uh also uh check out my store while you're in there uh all kinds of fun products at the harland williams dot com store you can write me at on the contact page at harlo-williams.com or you can phone me and leave me a message as well. 3-2-3-739-4-3-3-0. 3-3-0. There you go, gang. Hope you enjoyed the show. I hope you're enjoying your last few days and weeks of summer. It's hard to believe how fast it always goes by. I don't like it. There'll be another one next year, God willing. That's it until next time, everybody. Until then, you know the drill.

Chicken. Chalmy, baby. In French, Spanish, and Italian, he's like, crap. So it's like, hey, piece of crap.