The Harland Highway - 698 - Dr. Ascot returns. Monsters in the house. Bernie Saunders secret identity

Episode Date: September 17, 2015

Harland finds a dangerous monster in his house. Presidential canidate Bernie Saunders has a secret identity. What has happened to freedom of speech? Dr. Ascot drops by for a session with Harland. Ascot pisspot!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harland Highway, boys and girls. Charles Nelson Riley. Stop it. It's not Charles Nelson Riley. It's me, Harland Williams. You are listening to the Harland Highway podcast. Broadcasting from the 12th floor of a big tall building in the middle of your mother's forehead. Wait, what?

Big show today. We are going to be talking about a monster that invaded my home. Oh, yes, this is real. I'm not even joking. A scary, horrible monster invaded my home. I was shaking in my slippers. Wait to you hear about this. Also, we're going to be talking about presidential candidate Bernie Saunders.

It turns out he's got a secret identity, kind of like Clark Kennan Superman, Bernie Saunders, it turns out, is somebody else that most of you might not have known. Very intense. Dr. Ascot is here. Unfortunately, my online therapist, my on-air therapist, wants to talk to me today. I already feel sick to my stomach. And then towards the end of a show, one of the pavement pounders calls

with a very interesting question about freedom of speech and the terror of being on Twitter here on the Harland Highway Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you, I will please you all, believe me What is he like? What's he going, anyway?

Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're going to need a pig of course. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect the guy has chagelow, man? It's over, Johnny.

It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean?

I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get you. Okay, just need to clear something up right now out of the gate, if you don't mind. Thank you, ladies, and flurter fluggins. I don't know if you're following the presidential race.

Most of you probably aren't. It's boring. Well, it's not that boring. But on the Democratic side, you got Hillary Clinton, and you got a guy named Bernie Saunders. And I don't know how many of you were following Bernie Saunders. I have a little piece of info for you that you might not know there was an old cartoon back in the 70s

called the ant and the ard vark It was a story was kind of like Wiley Coyote chasing Roadrunner Sylvester the cat chasing Tweety Bird And this was your classic An Ardvark that eats ants chasing an ant Well

I think I've discovered that Bernie Sommel has been around a long time. He's an old guy. I've realized that Bernie Saunders is the Ardvark, okay? Listen to Bernie Saunders' voice. I do understand and I do believe that it is improper for the United States government or state government to tell every woman in this country the very painful and difficult choice that she has to make on that issue. Okay.

Now listen to the Ardvark. And if you're still This ought to stop him Oh no Not instant hole again I hate you Instant hole And if you're still not convinced

Let me mash him together And see if you really believe That I believe that Bernie Saunders is the art bar I do understand and I do believe That it is Improper for the United States government Or state government

This ought to stop him. To tell every woman in this country The very painful and difficult choice That she has to make on that issue. I hate you, Winston Hall. So there you go. He's got kind of that thing going. And every woman in this country.

Oh no, there he goes again. He's kind of a little bit of yogi bear meets the odd bark meets. I don't know. Maybe Bonnie Rubble. Uh, okay there, friend, I don't think so, friend. We've got to address the woman's issues. Uh, the instant hole, for example. Wait a minute, that came out wrong.

I didn't, I didn't mean to equate women with the instant hole. That, I, that's a, I guess my campaign is over. I'm done. I, oh, so there you guys. for your consideration, I just find his voice very cartoony and fun. So just a little tidbit to kick off the show. Something to think about, share with your friends, whatever. Okay?

Okay. Oh, there he is. So are you sad that summer's over? Are you sad that all the hot weather's slowly going to start going away? I don't know if I'm sad because I'm scared. I'm scared of the hot weather. And let me tell you why. Here's why, okay.

Stop the music. Here's why. When it gets hot in California, I don't know why. But the last few weeks have been extremely hot. September actually gets hotter than July and August most of the time in Los Angeles. And one of the side effects of these heat, waves is I get a critter in my house. Yeah, in my house.

Give me some more scary music, Raj. Cue it up. Guess what I get in my house? Not mice. Not rats. Not raccoons. Not cockroaches. Not centipedes.

Not ants. Not snakes. Do I know what it is? Scorpions. That's right. I get scorpions in my house. I'm living in Los Angeles. And it gets hot, and I don't know where they come from.

From some horror movie from Hellraiser, part five. And I get freaking scorpions in my house. You know, in the last month, I've seen about five of them in there. And it just keeps getting weirder. Okay? First one I saw by my front door, then I saw one in the front closet, then get this, and I don't know how the hell it got there. I go into brush my teeth in my bathroom. There's one in the sink.

How does a scorpion, a living scorpion, get up into a sink? I don't know. All that did was made me nervous. I thought, if it can get into the sink, it can probably crawl into my bed. They can probably crawl into my clothes, into my shoes, into my wig, I mean my hair. So I'm like, okay, I catch the one in the sink and I throw it outside. Okay, I do the humane thing. I scoop it up in a cup, and these things are poisonous.

They got the little tail. Whosh! I'm a scurban! Okay, got the little tail and full of poison. Ready to kill, but I want to show a little mercy, so I scoop them up. I put my life in peril, that's right. I'm like that crocodile hunter guy from the Discovery Channel. Criky, I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and there he was, sitting in the sink basin.

A full-grown, poisonous, California, Scorpion. I wouldn't be flossing this night. Right? It's like suddenly I'm in an animal adventure show. All I want to do is brush my teeth. I got his poison as critter in my sink. I mean, you know, look, you can get rats, you can get, you can get the cockroaches, you can get mice. They ain't poison. Okay, I'm talking about a poison guy. Maybe you get a black widow. Okay, poison. Maybe a snake. Okay, poison again. But it's rare. I got poison scorpions in my place. What, you got, Playa? Oh, you got cockroaches?

Lean back, player. I got a scorpion. So I take that one, I throw him over the cliff. He ain't coming back. Like a week later, I'm sitting in my cozy little living room watching TV. It's nighttime. You know, the lights are low. I'm just with myself for a men's thing.

myself. Harland, would you like another glass of wine? Yes, I would, Harland. Please have a couple. Thank you. I'm a little uncomfortable now. So am I. Um, so I'm sitting there watching the TV

all of a sudden Put the music in, Raj. All of a sudden, here we go, right across my living room floor in front of the TV a freaking scorpion. And now I've had it. I'm like, okay, no more Mr. Pita, no more Mr. Greenpeace, no more Mr. Bear Grills, no more Mr. Nice guy. I got my poisonous creature threshold gang, okay?

And like by Scorpion number five, I've hit my limit. Because it's clear to me, the more scorpions I see, they're having poisonous scorpion sex in my house, and they're making poisonous scorpion baby. And sooner or later, it's like it's a ticking time off. Sooner or later, I'm going to get stung. I'm going to be poisoned. I'll be damned if I die from a land lobster with poison. I mean, what the hell are they?

They're like crabs. They're like ants. They're like lizards. There's all these things going on. They're like a red lobster crayfish got away or something. So this time I spring into gear And I'm like I got to kill this thing And I always feel bad killing stuff

Okay That's like that hunter out in Africa That shot the lion Suddenly I'm that guy You guys are going to be protesting my house My shows Scorpion killer Somebody get the scorpion

Don't go to his shows He kills scorpions Suddenly I'm Bernie Saunders Don't go to his show He kills scorpions Oh my God Why would you go to his show? He kills poisonous scorpions in his house

So I grabbed the first thing on my coffee table And what do I grab my wallet? My wallet's sitting there And his fate would have it I have an Iron Man wallet, okay? It's got a picture of Iron Man on it. So now I'm kind of a scorpion killer superer. I grab my Iron Man wallet

And I run up to the this poisonous scorpion, and I push my wallet on it and squish it. Well, guess what? Scorpions have kind of like an exoskeleton. I squish it. I'm convinced I've killed it. I'm like four million times its size is like King Kong stepping on an ant. I lift my wallet.

The thing starts running again. I'm like, what the hell? So now I grab my wallet, and I really push down, and I get it right over its head. and my hands, my fingers are on the wallet. And as I'm pushing down on this thing killing it, I suddenly remembered because the scorpion so proficiently reminded me that their tails lift up and swing forward. Yeah, they're like swinging, moving poison tails.

So now this tail's like coming right at my finger that's on my wall. I'm like, holy crap, I pulled my wallet away. I was like I was like that was damn close that little poisonous critter almost got me in the finger but this time I pressed down hard and I'm sad to report that I squished him

his guts came out there was scorpion blood scorpion blood has been spilled on my tiles I pronounce the battle to be over on this day scorpion blood has been spilled on my child. There shall be no more poisoning in the kingdom of Holland. No more babies should die in the night.

No more slippers would be put on and toes pierced by poisonous barbs. On this day the scorpions have been defeated. so declare I Colin William Scorpion Killer of his Lord Majesty's Fourth Right Army Scorpion Assembly

Or something I don't know Am I blowing Is this? This is way too dramatic Isn't it? I'm just blowing it way out of proportion So anyways there you go I'm a little bit glad

Summer's over Maybe it gets a little cooler Maybe I don't have a poison-infested scorpion landlopster house. And maybe at last, I can brush my teeth without fear of death. I think that's every American's right. I mean, life, liberty, and you should be able to, in the United States of America, brush your teeth without fear of dying.

I mean, good God. Seriously. All right, this is way too, this is just going on. And on. This is way too stupid. Maybe I, maybe you guys are going, Jesus, Harlan, I wish you really didn't get stung by the scorpion. Maybe swell your tongue up and shut you down for a while, blabbermouth. Well, screw you. Hope you wake up with a tarantial in your underpants.

Not really, but I have to lash out. Can't just let you take shots at me like a scorpion in the dock. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better? sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So there you go. I'm still alive. I'm still brushing my teeth. I'm still Lord Harlan Williams of the kingdom. I can't believe it's not bother. Hello, Arland.

Oh, no. What are you doing here, Ascot? Oh, Lord. Seriously, what are you doing here? I'm in the middle of a podcast, and it's going really good. I've been listening, Arland. What do you mean you've been listening? I've been outside the door, Arland, listening to your podcast. Ooh, that's kind of creepy.

Oh, and. Well, it is. I don't want you skulking around in the hallway. Holland. And why are you wearing blueberry-colored socks? Holland. Stop saying my name, please, Dr. Ascot. Oh, and.

Stop it! Arland, I heard you talking about scorpions. So? Well, I can tell by the two. tone in your voice, Arland, that you are quite frightened by them. Well, who wouldn't be frightened by them?

They're creepy looking, they're poisonous. Arland, have you ever heard the term acnophobia? Yes, it's the fear of spiders. Exactly, Arland. So, this wasn't a spider. It was a

scorpion. Holland. What? They're very close. So are rice rice and noodles. Holland. Well, can you get out of here? I'm busy. Holland, I think I might have a way to help calm you down

in the face of a scorpion, Holland. Oh and what would that be, some of your pills? And why do you have blueberry socks? Holland. What is your thing? thing all and whenever one experiences anxiety such as you did with the scorpions arland yes one needs something to counterbalance the anxiety okay and and is there something that calms you down alland I don't know

Whenever I seem to get freaked out I like chocolate I like to have chocolate That seems to me out Well aren't we lucky Arland look what I have here What is that Chocolate items

What do you mean chocolate How did you know I like chocolate Arland I'm your therapist You're a little creepy Ascott Arland Stop saying my name What are these chocolate things?

These are delicious Swiss chocolate items, Arland, that have been hand-dipped in melted Swiss chocolate from Belgium. Okay, you got my interest. Why don't you try the first one and see if it calms you down, Holland? Well, I'm never going to say no to milk chocolate all the way from Switzerland. I mean, that's the best stuff there is. Exactly, Holland. Here you go.

What is this? It's like this looks like kind of like a cookie or something. Don't ask questions, Arland. Don't waste your time talking. Put it in your mouth, Arland. Well, you got a point. It's a little chewy. It's a little rubbery.

What is that in there? Like a macaroni or something? Holland, that comes from a senior's home we found in the suburbs, and that's an old lady's skinflake. What? That's a milk chocolate dipped old lady's skinflake, Arland. What are you talking about? Don't spit it out, Holland. It will calm you down. I'm not eating a skinflake from an old lady?

covered in Swiss chocolate Holland God what's the matter with you give me something real over here try this Holland what is this taste it okay well at least it's big and solid not like that skinflake what is it

it's kind of leathery about two years ago Holland there was a terrible fire at a senior's home in the suburbs. Okay? I rummaged through the rubble and found an old burnt slipper from an old lady and dipped it in chocolate, Holland. What the hell? I mean a Swiss chocolate dipped burnt slipper?

Exactly, Holland. Lipsmacking, gobsnobbing good, Holland. Don't say gobsnobbing. Yeah, try this one, Holland. What is this? What is that salt? I can't even bite into it. What is this, a chocolate-covered apple?

This is a chocolate-dipped doorknob from a senior's home in the suburbs, Holland. What is with you? Ow, I chipped my tooth. What is with you chocolate-dipping all the senior stuff? I'm not eating anything else from you. I'm not getting calm. more agitated. Arland, I have one more delicious

Swiss-dipped chocolate treat. God! Is it real? Absolutely, Arland. The outer coating is Swiss. Give it to me. I don't know.

It tastes kind of rubbery. What the hell is this thing? It's kind of chewy. Is that like caramel inside or something? Guess again, Holland, it's pure latex rubber. Latex rubber! You guessed it, Holland.

This is a burnt, and I found this in the same fire. A burnt seniors butt plug, Holland, from a burnt down seniors' home in the suburbs. What is what? What is with the seniors' homes in the suburbs? You're telling me this is a burnt butt plug? Covered in chocolate, a senior's butt plug? Yes, we found the box, too, Holland. It's called Granny's Wrinkled Fanny Buttplug.

Get out of here, Ascot! Would you like some more chocolate? Get out, no more chocolate. Psycho! Take your blueberry socks and ride. Go to the suburbs and suck a... What were you going to say, Holland? A chocolate-dipped grandmother's brunt.

No, I wasn't going to say it. A chocolate-dipped nutsack. Get out of here! All in about one more chocolate-dipped old lady fake leg. Get out! Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan, how you doing?

This is Mike from Portland, Oregon, and I had a question about freedom of speech, and these days in America with Twitter and the Internet and how everything seems to be an epidemic when comedians such as yourself say something that could be considered controversial, it goes viral, and then next thing you know, you're being publicized everywhere and shown in a bad light.

And, you know, I'm seeing stuff like this happen more and more in regular society and not just with celebrities. Like, for example, here in Portland, They're going to be moving a homeless camp from one area of town to another. And the local news anchor or reporter, sorry, she went to the businesses to ask their opinion and nobody wanted to say a word one way or another because they're afraid that if they said anything, that the community, the homeless people that could possibly end up living there will, you know, band up against them or vandalize or, you know,

planner them or show their company in a bad light, bad for business, or the other, which is, you know, could be controversial for anybody, if somebody has a disagreement. And then, you know, those people aren't going to shop at their business or buy from their company. So, you know, it seems like these days people are afraid to talk or make an opinion. And it's kind of getting a little weird. I'm just wondering how you feel about that. I know that your comedy is, in my opinion, kind of safe. There's a lot of edgier comedians out there,

but I know you walk the line once in a while. And I'm just curious to know if that's something you consider it with your brand at all. Well, anyhow, thank you for your time. Appreciate it. Love the show. Chau Maine. Hey, wow, Mike. What a great question.

What a, what a in-depth. Question, great observations, and yeah, you know, the old America freedom of speech land is turned into restrictive speech land. How about restriction of speech? It fascinates me that we created all these forums like Twitter and Facebook and Snapchat and, you know, all these, you know, devices for people to get. get their thoughts and ideas out, and people are being chastised for it. People are being condemned, shut down, silenced, forced to apologize for what they truly say, for what they truly believe. I think it's pathetic.

I think it's ridiculous. It's not what America the Free is all about. And you're right. It's made people, creative people, business people, any type of person. It's made them paranoid. It's turned everyone into zombies, verbal zombies, that people are afraid to speak out to express an opinion. Because the cowards that have no opinion,

that have no thoughts of their own, that have no ideas, they sit around and they wait for someone who has an opinion to express their opinion and since they don't have one, they go on the counterattack and they vilify the person with the opinion. And that's how they get off. That's their little string of power.

Little nobody's hiding behind their computers, seeing somebody who has something to say, and they want to weigh in and shake it up and go, well, I don't agree with your comments about fat people. I don't agree with your politics. I don't agree with your outlook on life. I don't agree about your stance on social issues and animal rights and vegetarians and so on and so on and so on.

And how dare you make this comment? And what's really scary is that people are now looking for the slightest little infraction. It's not even like a big blanket statement like someone going, I hate women. All women are pigs. Or, you know, all Republicans say they want to reinstate slavery. It's not even like big statements anymore. Now it's like little things people are sniping at. And so unfortunately, a lot of artists and creative people and inventive people and people with something to say are kind of like a penis in the shower.

They're recoiling. The penis is pulling back into the body and afraid to come out like a turtle and a shell. Because all these losers instead of going, oh, look at that opinion. Look at that thought. I don't agree with it, but I'm glad to hear that someone has a different opinion. It's nice to hear what that person is all about. It's nice to hear what that individual has to say. It's way off of what I believe.

But thank God we have this forum so I can see who's who and what's what. But instead, you get people going, this is outrageous. How dare you say stuff about fat, You know, fat obesity is a problem, and you should apologize, and we're going to boycott your concerts, and you blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like, get over it. You know, people like that have ruined Twitter. They've ruined social media.

And as I said, especially in America, people should be able to voice their opinions. And if they're a douchebag, we get to find that out. If they're a liberal, if they're a Democrat, if they're right, if they're left, if they're gay, if they're straight, if they're this or they're that, we get to find out who they are. And if they want to hang themselves with their words, great. Or if they want to enlighten us with their words, great. If they want to challenge us with their words, great. That's what it's all about, man. but instead, you know, all these idiots are so hell-bent on shutting everyone down.

We've become a society full of whipped dogs with our tails between our legs, afraid to say anything, afraid to speak out, afraid to stand up for our own beliefs. And I'm going to say it, that's why I'm getting off on Donald Trump so much. And I know a lot of you probably hate them and a lot of you probably love them, but I don't care whether you hate him or love him. He plays right into this conversation. Here's a guy going out and speak in his mind, unscripted, politically incorrect. And he's doing it on a huge platform and he's unapologetic.

And he's acting like a real human being who, yeah, sometimes puts his foot in his mouth. He said some disparaging things about women. Great. Let me decide if I like him or not. Let me decide if I like his comments about women But I'm glad he said it I get to kind of see how he feels about women And any other topic he brings up

Race Money The you know Foreign Affairs, whatever it is And if you notice A lot of people are reacting positively to this guy He's doing way better than the other politicians because they're connecting with him being real.

They're connecting with him being vulnerable and putting himself out there and just saying what he has to say. Whereas all these other politicians on both sides, Democrats and Republicans, are so whipped, are so apologetic. There was one politician on,

and Donald Trump talked about this, there was one politician, on the Democratic side. And here's a prime example. There's this movement called Black Lives Matter. And there was a Democrat, I think he's running for president. I think his name's O'Malley or something like that. He's one of these low-end guys that's not even really registering in the polls.

But he said, Black Lives Matter, but he also said All Lives Matter. Now, doesn't that make sense? Don't All Lives Matter? Yes. But the people at Black Lives Matter and some other people on Twitter and social media hauled them out and gave them a tongue lashing. How dare you say all lives matter?

You're taking away from the Black Lives Matter campaign, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This guy went back and apologized for saying all lives matter. Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about. the pussy-whipped society we live in. And that's not American. Americans were always people who embraced freedom of speech,

who stood up for their opinions, who stood behind their ideals. And like I said, whether you like Trump or not, he's the opposite of that. And if you think he's a jackass, if you think he's an ignoramus, great, thank you, Donald Trump.

You put it all out there. unapologetically uncensored and you showed us who you are or if you think he's amazing and he's great great thank you Donald Trump but what you don't see Donald Trump doing is going oh I'm sorry I offended a small pocket of people

or I offended you know this or that and I'm going to retract it I'm going to apologize doesn't that make them more phony than anything else if someone expresses a strong opinion and then a bunch of people jump up and down and go, hey, change your opinion

and then that person changes their opinion, does that not make them a full-blown fraud? Does that not make them a full-blown patsy? Come on. So I agree with you. It's getting scary and it is making people trepidacious about speaking out, or, as you said, in my profession, making jokes or making

social commentary. And as much as I disagree with Belmar's politics and some of the things he says, not all of them, but some of them, I respect that he's not afraid to say what he wants to say. And it almost seems the solution is you have to get over the hump, because you look at guys like Bill Maher on his side of the political spectrum. You look at Donald Trump on the other side of the political spectrum. And they're guys that don't back down. They're guys that stand by their convictions. And it seems that the people that want to turn them into pussywhipped losers,

they lose because they can only jump up and down so long and say, You've got to say your story. You can't say that. We disagree. And as long as, as long as, like, Bill Maher and Donald Trump stand their ground, it seems like these wishy-washy losers go away. Because all they want to do, they don't really care about the issue. They just want to have the victory.

They want to be able to say, oh, I got Bill Maher to apologize. I got Donald Trump to back down. Oh, I win. Who can I target next? Oh, how about this comedian? How about this singer? How about this writer? How about this poet?

How about this business person? Let's see if I can get them to back down and put their tail between their legs and be pussy whipped. And so these great devices like Twitter and Facebook and places where you're supposed to be able to express yourself and show your individuality, people are now terrified. Can you believe that in America? people are now backing away from free speech on the very devices that were created to let them have more free speech. It's really backwards

and more people have to stand up to these dick wads with nothing better to do than to run around and jump up and down and, you know, accuse everyone of being horrible people just because they have, you know, different opinions in life. You ever hear variety is the spice of life? We're all individuals. We're all these little snowflakes.

And when you get into a debate with your best friend, maybe he's a liberal and you're a Democrat or you're a Republican. Can you have a little debate or a little discussion and then walk away and still be best friends? Yes, you don't agree with everything they say. So why don't you extend the same courtesy to strangers on the Internet? And if someone says something really, really radical, like the N-word, or I hate Jews, or I hate Christians, or I want to blow up a Muslim, let them say it. And go, wow, now we know who that guy is.

Just let them say what they want to say. Great question. and obviously it's a it's sad to see but hopefully hopefully it starts to turn around and people can get back to like just saying what they want to say because that's what makes America so fun Americans have always been so outspoken and full of personality and not afraid to express their opinions so hopefully because Twitter and all this social media is kind of a new thing and this whole like attacking people and making them change their minds and

apologize is a bit of a new thing. And so maybe it's just a hump we have to get over till we get to a level playing field where it's like, nobody's fucking apologizing anymore. You want me to apologize? Go cry in your pillow. I ain't apologizing.

So there you go. And now let's address my comedy. You made a statement that my comedy was kind of soft and not too edgy. Well, you know, I guess the reason for that is, I mean, my comedy's edgy to me in a way. It's edgy in terms of its creativity and it's edgy in terms of the way I like to push my imagination into my comedy and make a little more out there and weird and fantastical, whereas some people's concept of edgy means like blue and swearing and, you know,

know, talking about really crazy issues like abortion and incest and, you know, saying really radical things. So that's edgy in one way, but I feel like my comedy's edgy in a way that I try to kind of push the boundaries of what you can do with comedy. And I guess I like to go in a direction that isn't so abrasive and hits people in the face. Because I feel like there's a, you know, it's easier to do that you know I've heard comics say stuff and then this is a direct quote

I remember hearing a comedian go yeah I'm gonna find that John Bonnet Ramsey fucking pull her head off and skull fuck her and then shit down her open neck you know I actually heard that from a comedian on satellite radio once little John Bonet Ramsey

the little girl that was murdered in Colorado years ago and I was like is that edgy Is that? Is that edgy? Is that really? I just think that's horrible. I think it's indecent, and it's, I just think it's someone desperate to try and be edgy. So my edginess comes from trying to be creative and push the boundaries of comedy and push the boundaries of my own imagination and then kind of pass that on to you and hope that it pushes the boundaries of your imagination. So that's my edgy side. Could I be really dark and rude and blue and, you know, a lot more, you know, like Sam Kinnison in your face or Andrew Dice Clay back in the day?

Yeah, I could, but that's not my style. That's not me. So I'm edgy in my own way. I hope you see that. I hope you appreciate that. And if not, maybe I got to push it a little more. Maybe I got to pull your skull. cap off and squat.

Okay, no, no, I'm not going there. But anyways, great way to round out the show. Excellent question. Thank you for calling in. It's an important question, and it's worth chatting about. And like I said, I hope it changes soon, because I cannot take these people. Not only can I not take the people that are on the witch hunt trying to make people apologize. I can't take these people

apologizing and being pussy whipped. Express yourself. Freedom of speech. This is the United States of America. I didn't mean to say that so aggressively. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice and do

that. I kind of did this and I realize maybe there's people out there who have tracheotomies in it or throat cancer and maybe they when I talk like this they might be offended. and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm going to cancel my Twitter account, okay?

Will that make you happy? And maybe I'll dig a hole in the ground and stand in it for two weeks without any food and people can piss on me. Will that, is that okay? I'm sorry for doing this voice. I'm sorry. Not!

All right. God. Let's end the show. We went a little long because of that question, but that's okay. And if you want to leave me a message, you can say whatever you want on my voicemail, okay? You can say whatever the hell you want.

You won't be censored by me. In fact, I embrace people saying what they way. If you have a criticism, if you have some praise, if you have an insult, if you have a compliment, whatever you want, you can call and leave it, and I accept it. 323-739, 433.30. 2323739, 43330.

If you can't remember that number, go to Harlanwiliams.com. And the number is there on the page. Also, while you're there, you can write me at the contact page. If you want to write your comments, you can do that. Check out our store at Harlemwilms.com while you're there. Watch some videos. Just roam around on the site.

All kinds of cool stuff at Harlandwilms.com. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed, boys and girls. Let's see here. What can I tell you? Oh, tomorrow night, or no, not tomorrow, Saturday night, September 19th, catch me at the Melrose Improv in Hollywood, California. Melrose Improv.

That is right down, right in the middle of Hollywood, the improv. I'll be there at 8 o'clock doing a show with some of my friends. And it's going to be a blast. One show only, 8 o'clock, the Melrose Improv in Hollywood, California, 8 o'clock, September 19th. Two nights from now, everybody. And then coming up in October, I'll be at a club called Helium in Portland, where you're from, Mike. Please come out and see me, October 8th through the 11th, Helium Comedy Club. Portland, Oregon.

And then later in October, October 23rd and 24th, I will be in Denver, Colorado. Love that town. At the Comedy Works, October 23rd and 24th, come on out and catch me. Get your tickets at Harlanwilliams.com. Go on my stand-up tour link, and you can get your tickets right through my website. So that's it for now, everybody. tweet, say something horrible. You know, I hate

owls. Owls have big fat eyes. Why are their eyes so big? Stupid fat-eyed fucking owls. They're big fucking fat eyes. That's what I'm going to tweet. Because I'm angry and edgy. And I don't care what anyone thinks on Twitter. Fat-eyed

fucking owls. Sitting in the tree, staring at everything with their big round giant fat fucking eyes. Too soon. All right. Well, let's leave it there. Ladies and Gurgle Blaggins,

thank you for listening. Tell your friends about the Harlan Highway. And next show, I'm hoping I finally have the information for the Harland Highway app that we are about to launch. I'm hoping that we get it finished this week. And by Monday, I'm able to give you some good news about it. There you go. Thank you, gang.

My pavement pounders. And until next time, everybody. Chicken. Chowman, baby? Well, anywho, thank you for your time. Appreciate it and love the show. Chow me. Thank you.