The Harland Highway - 702- The Parsley Papers interviews DONALD TRUMP. Fun with farts.

Episode Date: October 1, 2015

Charles Parsley is back with the Parsley Papers where he interviews Donald Trump. Abuse on sea creatures. How to act like a nine year old in a public restroom. Nine to grind!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, boy. What a podcast. This one's just too full of fun. You're going to like this one. This one's going to be a dozy, as they call it. Hello, I'm Harland Williams. You are rolling down the Harland Highway with me, your host. Welcome, One and All. It's funny how I single the one guy out and don't put him in with the all. I say, welcome one and all. So whatever. Um, today I've got some live audio of a little stunt I like to pull when I'm in a public bathroom. Oh my God, wait to you hear this round of immature madness. Um, tons of fun. I'm going to play it for you and encourage you to do it. Um, also, uh, we're going to be, um, talking about someone who went to jail for riding an animal.

Yeah, pretty weird stuff. Someone went to jail for violating an endangered species. Wait, do you hear who? And what happened to them? And then later in the show, Charles Parsley is here with the Parsley Papers, and he's interviewing none other than Donald Trump. Oh, my God. I don't know how Charles Parsley gets the scoop on these guys,

but he's done it again. Charles Parsley on the Parsley papers interviewing Donald Trump. So here we go, buddies. This is the Harlan Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me. What is he like? What's he poetic, anyway?

Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing. You're going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect the guy that's jiggle-all, man? It's over, Johnny.

It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean?

I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get you. Money's worth. Believe me. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories.

That's weird. That's strange stuff. Oh boy. There we go. Let's kick the show off with a real weird one. Yeah. Excuse me, man. Pull over.

Can you pull over to the side? Yeah, I need you to pull your city turtle to the south. Ma'am. I need your license and registration. I'm not going to ask you again. Pull your damn sea turtle over. Yeah, that's right. I said sea turtle, Lirtle Blurgens and for Nardel Guggins. Here's the headline, Florida woman arrested for riding on a sea turtle. Can you believe this? A Florida woman who was photographed riding a sea turtle in July was arrested. according to police. Have a listen to this, for God's sakes.

If you have to know one thing about Florida, know this. It is not okay to mess with the turtles. Stephanie Marie Moore has learned that the hard way after being arrested for at the very least, apparently sitting on a sea turtle. You may have seen this Snapchat picture that made the online rounds in July of more doing the deed, upsetting tons of people.

Oh, no. They were really riding them. Different people. that's horrible same reaction i think that's bad just because i mean there's everyone loves turtle the florida fish and wildlife conservation commission began an investigation after the outrage netting more a warrant for her arrest melbourne police said they were responding to an unrelated domestic disturbance call when they encountered more and linked her to an active warrant for the turtle riding incident sea turtles are protected under the federal endangered species act and a more specific

Marine Turtle Protection Act, making Moore's offense a third degree felony. She's being held on a $2,000 bond. A third degree felony? Holy crap! You imagine doing time for riding a sea turtle?

How do you explain your way out of that one in the big house, in the slammer? Hey man, what are you in for? Huh? Why are you here, Holmes? Huh? You off somebody? You knife somebody? What, drive by? You do like a big heroin deal or what, man?

Um, well, um... What, what? Tell me, man. Well, I... I wrote a sea turtle. What'd you say, man? I said I rode a sea turtle. Back the fuck off, Holmes. Holy shit. Okay, man, hey, take it easy. I'll ride you if you don't step the fuck back.

I'm a sea turtle rider, bitch. Okay, man. Hey, guys, everybody back away. Holy fuck. We got a fucking seat turtle rider in the house. Fucking, fucking rights, eh, Bubba. I'll fucking sit on the back of your head and ride it like a tortoise, bitch. Holy shit, everybody.

Back in your fucking cells. Lock the fucking doors. This fucker's crazy, man. You're fucking right, I am. And if I want to, I'll lay fucking eggs. all over this. I'll crawl on my stomach and lay turtle legs. Back up, bitches. Holy shit. I mean, wow, that's pretty severe. I mean, I love turtles. I don't want to see some idiot riding a turtle. And I guess what happened is this woman, she put a Snapchat thing. Let me read

you the rest of the story. Police were responding to a disturbance. call it a home around 5 a.m. in Florida, and during the investigation, officers found Moore, who they said was one of two women photographed sitting on a sea turtle in July. Moore was arrested on an active felony warrant for molesting a marine turtle. Hey, man, let me ask you, did you, I know, I know you rode the sea turtle, but did you, you know, reach around and did you play with its titties and, you know, you know, touch its balls and stuff.

Yes. Okay, I molested the sea turtle. You know, I'm not going to ride the goddamn thing and then just get off and not molest it. Holy shit, packing yourselves, guys. This motherfucker's crazy, man. The story goes on in early July, two females were seen in photographs

where they appeared to be sitting on sea turtles. These pictures flooded social media and multiple complaints were forwarded to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which handled the criminal investigation. Moore was arrested on the act of warrant and taken to the jail, and as they said, her bond was set at 2,000 bucks. And I got to say there's a picture here. I'm going to kind of give you a visual of it. It's a picture of a goofy-looking, looking girl, covered with tattoos, probably like in her 20s. Yeah, it says here she's 20.

She's got tattoos and she's, you know, there's poor turtles like on the sand. They crawl up to lay their eggs, you know, to advance the species, to perpetuate the species. And here's like this, this, you know, trailer trash check riding on it. looking half drunk and moronic. Part of me feels maybe she should have been arrested just for that. Central Command, we have a piece of white trash riding on a sea turtle. I'm pulling in for an investigation. I'm apprehending the suspect.

I'm pulling the sea turtle over to the side of the road. I will be exiting my vehicle and questioning the suspect over. Yeah. Uh, ma'am, uh, can I, can I ask you, uh, what, what you're doing out here in the middle of the night? Um, I'm, um, uh, I was just driving to the 7-Eleven to get some cigarettes officer. Okay, ma'am, uh, uh, whose vehicle is this? Um, it, it's mine? Uh, where'd you get this vehicle, ma'am?

What do you mean? Where'd you get this vehicle? Um, it, um, uh, it, it's my friend. friend's vehicle? Ma'am, do you realize your vehicle has flappers, four flappers on each side? Um, they're radials. They're snow, snow tires. Ma'am, uh, you realize you're riding a turtle, right? Oh, that's, no, this isn't a turtle. This is a Volkswagen Beetle.

Ma'am, you're on a friggin' sea turtle. I need your license and registration. Um, uh, uh, I mean, good. Lord. It's kind of hilarious. I mean, I'll put the animal's welfare and safety ahead of the humans any day, the white trailer trash chick. But does that seem a little

severe for riding a sea turtle? I mean, I don't want anyone riding a sea turtle. Don't get me wrong, but a third degree felony. I don't know if that's bad or good. It sounds kind of bad, doesn't it? Can you imagine this chick could never get another job?

Uh, Mrs. Moore? here that you have a college education. Yes, yes, I have a degree in sociology and political science. Excellent, excellent. And it looks like you used to work for IBM. Yes, absolutely. I did four years mentoring in the tech department. Wonderful. And, oh, it seems you have a police record. Well, Miss Moore. Did you... I don't know how to put this. Did you mount...

Ride and molest a sea turtle, Miss Moore? Um... Well, I was a kid. It says it happened four months ago, Miss Moore. Well... You know, really? You're gonna hang me up over a goddamn amphibian? Miss Moore, thank you for coming in. We'll be in touch.

What the whole? fuck you know i don't know but i don't know too i want i don't want sea turtles molested and and ridden they're beautiful animals i uh i was uh recently uh snorkeling quite a bit in uh the philippines or sorry the indonesia and uh encountered many many uh underwater sea turtles and uh they are graceful beautiful animals And, you know, you never want to harass them or interfere with their natural flow. So, you know, I guess it's great that we have rules in place. But there it is.

There's your wacky wild news story. Some chick doing jail time for riding and molesting a turtle. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

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and 100% free shipping Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I don't know. It was dark. I couldn't say anything. Rice. A rumy.

The San Francisco treats. Okay. And speaking of treats, here is one of the most immature, juvenile, idiotic, treat I could ever give to you guys. This is mostly for the guys, but you know what, girls,

there's no reason why you can't do this treat, okay? If you're feeling immature, maybe if you're a little drunk, maybe you're out somewhere, but it involves you and a public washroom or toilet or latrine or whatever. And by the way, who says latrine?

You ever notice on airplanes? If you need to use the latrine, please find the latrine closest to your seat. There are four latrines in the front of the plane and two latrines in the back. Latrine. What do we like? Science majors? What says latrine? Anyhow, I digest or whatever the...

I divert. I digress. I digest, he says. So here it is. Here's my scheme, my little deal for you guys. And when you first hear, you're going to just roll your eyes and go, what a moron. What an idiot. Whatever, Harlan.

Grow up. What a jerk. And you're going to, like, kind of walk away from it and say, I would never do that. But I'll tell you what, once you do it, man, it is a blast. And I'm talking about is when you go into a crowded public. restroom or bathroom or latrine and you know you've been out drinking or you're just hanging out maybe you go into the into the bathroom with a couple of friends which makes it even funner is whether you have to go number one or number two and i usually it's just number one you go into one

of the stalls hopefully there's a lot of stalls and you go into one of the stalls and you stand there and you go pee or you sit down and go pee if you're a lady and you know how the bathrooms are all echoey and kind of there's the weird acoustics in the bathroom which is probably the last place

it should be echoy because of the sounds you hear in there but what you do is you go into one of the stalls and you start making really loud ridiculous fart noises you know like or however you can make them

you know blow them on your use your armpit just stick your tongue out and go which is my method and you just start letting them rip and i'm telling you man not only does it make your buddies crack up while they're standing at the urinal but everyone in there eventually starts cracking up and again you're going no way harland never doing it not going to do not not don't have the mind of a demented four year old the way you do well then maybe you don't like to laugh maybe you don't like to have a little fun in life cause a little trouble make other people laugh i'm telling you guys and girls i'd love to hear if some girls did this uh this is your homework i want you to to try this and here's a little sample

this was me in las vegas um just uh this past weekend i'm in the uh i'm in the mandalay bay casino me and my buddy Michael take a pee break I go into the stall and started to let her rip and here's probably why you'll stop listening to my podcast but here it is I don't know what we watch it

shirt oh I'm gonna be a good at you don't get a one we wish in there man So you can hear people laughing. You can hear the chatter start, guys that don't even know each other, start talking.

They start laughing. They start, you know, they're both, people are sitting on the toilet, dropping off the kids, and they're cracking up. They're asking each other. Is this guy for real? Is he in pain? Fake farts in the bathroom. That's a laugh, and you just keep escalating it.

Just keep pumping. It burns. Yeah. They don't know who you are. Right? You're in a public bathroom, so they have no clue if it's real or fake. And the more real you make them sound. the better it is.

And the longer you go, the more they go crazy. Look, you're talking to a professional comedian here who knows how to work the crowd and get laughs out of people, but they can't see me. All they hear is this giant echoey fart, and they just, sure enough, the first couple, like everyone's courteous and quiet, by the time you get to number four or five,

it's like evening at the improv in there. there. It's like you're killing on the main stage at the comedy store. You might as well be taping a comedy special. I mean, people are, I've heard people just dying in there. And what's even funnier is when your buddy's over at the urinal taking a piss and he's sandwiched between, you know, five other guys, he's howling because he knows you're doing it and he's usually the first guy to start cracking up. I've literally walked out of the bathroom with my buddies and there's tears streaming down their eyes. So if you've always wanted to be a comedian and always wanted to make strangers laugh,

but you were never good at it, this is your moment. This is your moment, guys. Get into the stall and let it rip. I promise you it's a good time. And I know you're still gone, no way, immature, idiot, three-year-old mental case. Fine. Don't have fun. Don't step out of your box. Don't have a laugh in life.

Sorry, Mr. Mature. Sorry, Mrs. I'm too sophisticated because I don't fart. I'm telling you, man, if you don't want to do it alone, going with some friends and put on a show. I'm telling you, it is a guaranteed laugh. If you need to cheer yourself up, go in there. I promise you, you will. will laugh. I want you to do this. This is your homework. And I want to hear stories. I want you

guys to phone me. And if you didn't laugh or make anyone else laugh, then call me and tell me I'm wrong. But I think you'll have a riot and forget. If he act like a kid again, man. I know you're all grown up and you got your jobs and your families and your mortgages and your car payments. I don't give a crap. Go in a public bathroom and act like a five-year-old idiot. You know what? As dumb as this sounds is probably healthy. It's good for the soul. It's good to go backwards and remember what it was like to be a stupid, annoying prankster kid and just have a laugh for the dumbest reasons. That's your homework. I want to hear from you guys and girls. I want to I hear the girls too, man.

That can be really good. 323-739, 43330, 3-2-3-7-39-4-3-30. Get out there and start farting. Do your homework. Hello, everybody. I'm Charles Pazley, and welcome to the Pazley Pazley Papers, the exciting news chat show. that dares to take on all comers, politicians, sports figures, celebrities, and newsworthy people alike.

So sit back, get ready, to hear the questions that no one dares to ask on the Pazley paper. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Charles Pazley. and welcome to the Parsley Papers. On today's show, I will be interviewing in a very candid and direct way, the presidential frontrunner of the American GOP presidential race, the ever-controversial, the ever-expressive, the ever-combative Donald John Trump. I will be holding no bar.

Bob's back, I will be going toe to toe with the thin-skinned man who hopes to be the next president of the United States of America, right here on the Pazley Papers. Mr. Trump, welcome to the Pazley Papers, and let me start the questioning with a very hardcore question. Do you believe that mythical unicorns have a point on the tip of their foreheads? Well, I think they have a point from years ago. I understand, Mr. Trump. So you are saying that unicorns do have a point. No, not at all. If you could go back in time, Donald John Trump,

and spend a little moment in time with a mythical unicorn, what would you do? with the unicorn. Great incurs to death. Alright, fair enough, Mr. Trump, and what if you stumble upon a baby unicorn in the mythical forest and the mother unicorn appears through the mist? The mother will die. I'm sorry, she'll what, sir? We'll die.

Let's switch topics, Mr. Trump. Tell us about your family. I have a great wife. Very important, sir, and tell us about your children, Mr. Trump. I have a great wife. How would you improve the American economy, sir? I have a great wife. How would you combat poverty?

I have a great wife. Tell us about your foreign policy, Mr. Trump. I have a great wife. How do you plan to handle rogue nations like North Korea? Great incest to death. Mr. Trump, if elected president of the United States of America, the most powerful man in the world, Would you, Donald John Trump, have a secret meeting with Oprah Winfrey at a Motel 6 in the countryside somewhere in Ohio?

You know, if she wants to have a quiet meeting, I'm not looking to go wild. But she would be willing to meet her in a dirty, flea-bitten Motel 6 in the countryside, sir. Terrible, disgusting by any standpoint. And as you finished your passionate love-making to Oprah, and you're laying there in the afterglow, you roll over or you roll off of her, as the case may be, you stare at her deep, dark brown eyes. And what do you say to a just-been-loved, Oprah Winfrey? I have a great wife. Mr. Trump, there are a lot of political, social, and economic problems around the world, health problems.

Who do you blame all these problems on, Mr. Trump? Mexico. Fair enough, sir, and who do you believe started the First World War? Mexico. The Second World War? Mexico. Nagasaki and Hiroshima were caused by who, Mr. Trump? Mexico.

And John F. Kennedy was shot. by Mexico and dinosaurs, lepracons and elves still live where Mr. Trump and where were you born Mr. Trump? Mexico.

A most revealing interview Donald Trump before we finish up, is there anything you'd like to say to the listeners here on the Parsley papers? I have a great wife. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. A wonderful interview

with Presidential Kennedy date, Donald Trump. Thank you for joining us. And until next time, I'm Charles Parsley, and these are the Parsley Papers. Wow,

there it is. There it is. The Donald Trump interview with Charles Parsley on the Parsley Parsley Papers. What an informant. I have a whole new insight and respect for Donald Trump.

Unbelievable. It was riveting. I couldn't stop listening. Yeah. And speaking of listening, I want to remind you guys about the new app, the Harland Highway app that we just launched last week. Please bear with us. There's a few little, you know, bugs that were still working out.

Nothing major, but there's a, you know, every here. Here and there, we're getting letters or phone calls from people saying, oh, I can't do this or I can't do that. And as I said, a lot of you are writing or calling to the Harlan Highway. But unfortunately, I'm not tech savvy, and our team isn't tech savvy. There is a tech support link on the app. So if you are experiencing any kind of little glitch, which most of you aren't, but a small few of you are.

Just contact tech support. They'll help you through it. Also, we're still adjusting the price on the darn thing. We just launched it, and we're fluctuating somewhere between $8 and $20. We're trying to figure out the price point on the thing. So if you get it now, you will get it at the cheaper price right now. We might raise it a little bit, but keep in mind we're putting a lot of content into the to the show, a lot of special bonus features and stuff that's just exclusive to you guys

who pay for premium service. As I said, 50 episodes of the podcast are absolutely free, which is a ton. And then anything beyond 50, you're getting into the archives and the special bonus features, which will include a whole other podcast that I'm working on. I'm not sure the release date for that yet, but I'm going to put up a few free samples so you can hear it before you decide if you want to invest in it. So just a little reminder, we appreciate your support, and we hope you're happy with the new app.

Again, it's available on Android. It's available on Apple. And you just go to your app store and type the Harland Highway, and you're off and running. I'm very excited about it. I downloaded it. Why wouldn't I? So there you go.

And please make sure you call in. Give me your feedback. I also want you to call in if you decide to do the little bathroom fart stunt. Don't be so high and mighty. Get off your high horse and go be immature for five. minutes and have a laugh um so um you know try that and I want you to call me or write me and tell me how it went if you do the crazy bathroom stunt making the fart noises 323-739 4330 I can't wait to hear from you guys and girls I want to hear how it goes

over in the girls restroom could be hilarious And while you're in the website, please check out the store. The Harland Highway store is in there at Harlanwiams.com. And also, don't forget, I will be doing some stand-up comedy this month. October 8th through 11th, I'll be at a place called Helium in Portland, Oregon. that's October 8 through 11 at Helium. Great club. We're going to have a blast.

And then I will be doing a show in Denver, October 23rd and 24th, Friday and Saturday night. Only Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works, awesome club. And I hope I see you there. All the tickets are going to be found at my stand-up comedy tour link on Harland. dot com and that's it for today i hope you guys are doing great thanks for listening and until next time chicken chalemain baby i have a great wife