The Harland Highway - 703 - GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM. Orgasm talk. 80's music.

Episode Date: October 5, 2015

George Michael calls the show to discuss the 80's. Harland goes to an 80's rock concert in Vegas. Stupid dance moves. Uncomfortable orgasms. 80 a Brady!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harland Highway, it's the Harland Highway. And if you're not turned off by my singing, then please listen to the rest of the show. Why am I singing like an idiot? What am I doing, show tunes? Hey, everybody, it is me, Harland Williams. You are on the podcast, The Harland Highway. We're here to make you laugh, keep you informed, talk about things. And today, a big portion of the show is dedicated to the 1980s.

Oh, my goodness. I went to a lost 80s concert in Las Vegas recently, and wait to you hear what happened. Wait to you hear how close I got to some of your favorite 80s bands. It was out of control. Also, we're going to talk about dancing. There's a certain thing that people do when they dance that is ridiculous.

And we will cover that in the Harland Highway question of the day. Also from the 80s, I mean, you couldn't go far into the 80s without this guy calling in. George Michael from the rock group Wham is calling in. He wants to get his two cents in about the 80s, not looking forward to that idiot calling in. And then towards the end of the show, we're going to be talking about orgasms. Orgasms in a way that will make you very, very uncomfortable, I guarantee. You don't want to miss that. Hang around.

Put your garter belt on. It's the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. The Harland Highway. I promise you, I will please you all. Believe me. What is he like? What is he like anyway?

Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel. He's an angel. He's going to need a pig or pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect the guy of Chigolo, man? It's over, Johnny.

It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean?

I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get you. money worth believe we The Harland Highway Question of the day

Okay, this is a weird one This one freaks me out This one's almost borderline creepy It's weird The question of the day is When people are dancing Out on the dance floor

At a wedding At a bar mitzvah At a picnic At a nightclub at a disco, at a rave, whatever it is. Have you ever noticed that when people are dancing away, you're dancing, they're dancing, and you make eye contact with them while they're dancing,

they inevitably do this weird thing where they suddenly feel like they have to go into, like, I don't know, some kind of like, my mode or something. Do you know what I mean? Like people, you make contact with a girl. She's dancing around. And instead of just looking at you and looking away,

she'll like make big eyes and start bobbing her head and like, you know, raising her eyebrows. Do like a kooky face like she's, you know, on stage singing. Have you noticed that? Or they'll do some kind of a move. Start waving their arms. arms almost as if saying hey look at me i'm dancing or hey we're dancing it's the weirdest thing it's it's like people you don't even know they just you know they're just dancing away they're

doing their thing and then if you happen to lock eyes with them suddenly they're they're like putting on a show with their face but they start they start like bobbing their head around waving their arms like as if you're in the audience and you're watching them up on stage at Radio City Music Hall or something doing some kind of routine

it's really weird and the face is always kind of goofy too especially from the girls it's always kind of like the bobbing and the eye roll and the hey look at me and they keep it going for a little

bit and then kind of drift off look away but then if you make eye contact with them again it's the same thing it's very weird it disturbs me it's it's odd it's creepy it's like just dance i know you're dancing everyone else is dancing you're dancing i'm dancing don't acknowledge to me that you're dancing every time i look at you don't don't don't go your way to put on a little skit. It's just kind of weird. So there you go. A quickie, a weirdo, wacky one.

The Harland Highway, question of the day. The Harland Highway, question of the day. And speaking of music, staying with that theme, recently I got to go to a concert called the Lost 80s weekend. I went out to Las Vegas and basically got to see like a whole bunch of 80s bands. And a lot of them were one-hit wonders, a lot of them were three-hit wonders, four-hit wonders. I'm talking flock of seagulls. I'm talking ABC.

I'm talking Wang Chung. I mean, I must have seen six or seven 80s bands. the married Jane girls Good Lord And it was it was a bizarre concert Because you know With the with the bands that were the one hit wonders They literally sent them on stage to sing their one hit

That was it boom Sing your hit and get off That can't be great for the ego That can't be great as a performer You know you're not even warmed up The crowd's yelling and cheering. You're doing your first song. All right, guys, we're getting into the groove.

Here's our first song, and it's over, and it's our last song. Good night. Good night, everybody. I mean, literally, you flew all the way in to Vegas to do about two and a half minutes. I mean, you're getting paid, yes, but look, I'm a performer. I know that would be a huge letdown. or maybe not maybe it's kind of like you know when these bands fly in and do a spot on the talk shows the you know the late night shows i guess it's the same thing they fly in they do one song and then they're gone but uh maybe it's me

maybe i wanted more i felt i felt kind of jipped that these bands would come out do one song and leave but then we got later into the billing and some of the bands with two or three as you know, Wang Chung came out and sang dance all days and everybody Wang Chung tonight and flock of seagulls came out and I think they're all gone.

I think it's just, I don't think it's a flock anymore. I think it's just one seagull because none of the other guys looked like the band members I remember. I think it's just one lonely seagull waddling around on the beach and it was the main guy remember that main guy that had that crazy blonde hair the lead singer with the blue eyes the Swedish looking guy yeah well guess what this guy now is like bald has a huge beer gut and he's about four and a half feet tall he looks more

like the uh you know the groundskeeper at a trailer park i hate to say like like None of that hair at all. Like, it's like, it's like, not only is it not flock of seagulls. It's more like one seagull, you know, caught and washed up on the beach and an oil slick. That's more what it was like. But that being said, still sounded great. And ABC, you know, they have those songs, the great song, shoot that poison arrow, the look of love.

They have four or five really good hits. And what's cool is, for the first few bands, we were out in the crowd, but then my buddy who I was with, Michael, he knew one of the guys who played keyboards with one of the bands. And he managed to get us not only backstage, but on stage. It was crazy. We were literally on stage. We might as well have been in the band.

We might as well been part of the flock of seagulls, man. I mean, we were on stage right beside them, like literally three, four, five feet away from them. And they didn't seem to care. Probably because they're like, well, the hell, we're only up here for like seven minutes. Let these nerdy losers from the 80s jump around with us, aye? It was crazy.

I don't know. I was standing right beside Wang Chung when he was Wang Chunging. everybody get down tonight everybody wang chung tonight i'll play you some uh some some video here i i uh i periscoped it and and so this is a recording of me and my buddy uh michael rosenbaum right on stage it's not the video obviously it's just the audio and uh give you a little sample of what it was like up there here it is All right, I'm back. I had to come back, because we're getting ready to Wang Chung tonight.

Are you ready? We're going to wag chung tonight. So we're there. We're jumping around. Crowd's going nuts. I'm making goofy faces into the periscope. And here we go. Sound pretty good, don't they?

Everybody hang chung tonight. Nobody knows what it means. But they sound pretty good, don't they? We're wang chunging. That's what I call Rosenball. Rosie and for a band that's been around they sound really good really good so there's a little sample one last I'll play one last Wang Chung for you here we go here comes There it is.

So a little sample, a little sample of the madness. Singing along, having a blast. And then, you know, we did the same. Oh, boy, flock of seagulls. Remember that crazy band? But it was a blast. It was a good, like getting in a little old time machine or something. It's funny how, you know, songs from our youth, music from our youth, can just rekindle our spirit and take us back to some very memorable times.

Remember, this is music that came out when I was in college. I mean, it ties me to my roommates. It ties me to my crazy years of college. It probably ties me to the first time. I ever got drunk on beer. It ties me to some of my first girlfriends. I mean, a lot of memories, man. A lot of memories.

So a fun time. And I totally recommend it. If you have bands that you grew up on and you're a little older now, but you want to rekindle, reconnect with that, those days of yesteryear, check out the vintage rockers from your era. and wang chung tonight where we're going to try to drive

oh dear oh harland it's roger yeah there's someone on the hotline well who is it I'm not expect. Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Wait a minute. We've been talking about the 80s and 80s music. It's not George Michael, is it? George. It's not George Michael calling in, is it, Roger? Okay. Well, as long as it's not George Michael, go ahead, put it on through. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Not him. Roger. You just told me it wasn't him. What the hell are going on here?

Hello, Lauren. Oh, God. George Michael. Oh, look at that. You got my name right for once. What do you want, George? It's George Michael. You got it right immediately.

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What do you want? I can't believe you're phoning in again. Well, you're talking about the 80s, Arland, and you can't really talk about the 80s without me. Oh, brother. Oh, brother is right, Harlan. I was the king of the 1980s, I was. Well, I don't know about that, George. It's George, Michael, all right?

If you say it wrong, one more time, I'm going to get on a plane. I'm going to fly over to the United States of a matter, and I'm going to go to a fucking Waffle House and shove a waffle right to your face, you fucking crab cracker. Stop yelling. You don't even make sense.

Well, I'm going to do it if you don't knot it off, Arlen. Why are you phoning? I said I was like number one in the 1980s, Arlen, me. Well, you know what? Right away, you're full of it because Michael Jackson was number one. Oh, there's herefall in that little panty waist. Who even knew what color he was? One day he's black, one day he's white.

Like some guy in a mythical fairy from Fairyland. All right. You know what? Everyone loved Michael Jackson Island just because he had a monkey. I think it was more than a monkey, George. All right. Look, I'm going to say it for the last time. It's George fucking Michael.

All right. What's wrong with you? I've got two fights. names and you put them side by side. Fotting wanker. Watch your language. Fuck you. Can't even get me fucking name.

I'll tell you what, Arland. I had a bigger monkey than Michael Jackson. Oh, you did, did you? That's right. Michael Jackson had a chimpanzee named Bubbles. Yeah, well, I had a silver-bad gorilla, 5,000, fucking pounds, eh? You had a silver-back

gorilla. That's right. His name was Cockface. You had... You had a silver-back gorilla named Cockface. Yeah, that's right. All right, lived in me

flat in London. Big, fucking thing, drank beer all day, ate fucking popcorn, laid on the couch with his legs open and farted banana farts. You've got a problem, Arlen.

Come on. You did not have a lowland gorilla. I said a silver black gorilla, and he laid on the fucking couch with his legs wired open, like Sharon Stone, and he did fucking banana farts and fucking pomegranate farts all over my living room, Marlin. Good God! My living room smelled like a potpourri. People would come in my house and say, hey, George Michael, what would he smell? a flower shop in here for and I'd point over the old cock face sitting on the couch

with his legs sharing stone wide open and sure enough he'd do like a pleasant pineapple fart or a grapefruit fart sometimes it'd mix the citruses up would you knock it off you did not have a silverback gorilla named cock face you did not have a silver back gorilla named cock face George. It's chugged fucking Michael! Now I'm going to come over here with a Pogo stick

and jump right up your fucking ass, Arland. Knock it off. You're very rude and graphic and nobody likes it. I go suck a Chinese airplane. Suck a Chinese airplane.

You heard me, Arland. What does that even mean? I mean go to the airport, find hand China Whatever terminal the park, find a Chinese airplane, and suck it raw, while you suck the paint right off of it, Holland. Stop it! The hell is wrong with you! No, you did not have a silver-back gorilla.

Oh, you also did? I also had a pelican, okay? My old Jackson never had a pelican. You had a pelican. Yeah, that's right. I did. A big fat fuck, too. Stop! Why are you being so rude?

Well, that's what he was. He was a big fat fucking pelican. I fed of bacon sandwiches and fried chicken and fucking oil. Look it. You did not have a pelican. I did so. His name was Fat Cork. You did not have a pelican named Fat Cork.

Oh, what? You're going to look at it on Google, eh? I said a pack of hyenas, darling. You did not. have a pack of hyenas. You didn't have a pelican. Named fat cock. Stop it!

And you didn't have a silver-back gorilla. Well, listen, what I did have all, it was a fringe jacket, right? I'm sure you saw that on some of my album covers. What are you talking about? I had a leather jacket with fringes hanging down, just like Wild Bill Hickok in the old Wild West. I remember that. You had the frilly, frilly.

really like leather jacket. That's right, Arland. And George, Michael Jackson might have been the thriller, but I was the frilly. You were the frilly. That's because I had the frills hanging off me jacket, Arland.

And Michael Jackson was the thriller. And I was the frilly. You do the math, you dumb onion bun. Stop calling me names. What is Michael Jackson? of being the thriller and you having a frilly jacket have to do with anything. Because he was the thriller.

I remember his song, all it. I'm a thriller, thriller night. Do do, do, do, do, do. Yes, I remember it. Stop singing. I'm a thriller. Stop it. Stop it.

And I was the frilly. What does that mean you were the frilly? you, Arlen, unless you got a fucking marshmallow in your ear, I had a frilly jacket, and Michael Jackson didn't. So maybe he was the thriller, the do, no, no, no, no, but I was the Philly, all right, Arland? I don't, this, man, you're boasting about something that nobody gives a flying crap about. Oh, I'm yours, Arlen, while you make like Jack jumped over the candlestick, It's just halfway across, you don't jump over it,

and your land rate on it with your big fat purple ass. Stop it! Now, why the hell did you phone here? Because you're talking about the 80s, darling, and I was the number one pop star in the 80s. Listen. Okay, all right, you had a bunch of hits. Yes, you did very well.

You were famous. There, are you happy? Oh, that's all I can. I'll get always famous, oh, you're happy. You think that we'll solve it, eh? Well, let me sing you one of me songs, darling, and maybe that will help you. No, I don't want you to sing one of your songs. I'm going to sing it, Arlen, and maybe you, and take this as a hand, have a little faith.

No, no, don't sing it. You got to have faith, oh, oh, you got to have with a taddy-tun-da-da-da, and you got a You don't even remember the words to your own song. I do so, it's faith. That's one word. Yeah, well, that's what the song's called. What, what the hell? So you don't need to know the rest of the words.

Not really, no. Oh, God. You got to have faith. That's everybody. I'm not just anybody has a problem like you. Because you gotta have faith. I, uh, uh, uh. Stop it.

You don't know the words. I'm hanging up. You gotta have faith, faith, faith, faith, everybody's got that. That's all you can sing is the word faith, isn't it? Oh, then, would you let me sing my song? No, Michael, I will not. It's George, Michael. I'm going to come over there and shove a can of raspberry jam in your face.

Shut up, get them off the air. I don't want to talk to him. I'm going to send my silver baggerid over your face, and he'll fart a lemon meringue pile over your eyes. Hang up on him And then he'll farts of raspberry truffles in the unknown Get them up! Unbelievable!

What a dillweed! Roger! Hey, you don't have to yell at me? Oh, really? Who should I yell at then? Huh? The walls? I mean, good Lord, Roger.

To your stupid show. Oh, great attitude. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Unbelievable. Let's switch geese. years. Let's switch gear. Let's talk about something that makes a little more sense in the world. Let's just talk about something we can all relate to, something we've all experienced. You ready?

Orgasms. Yeah, I said it. I said the O word. But here's what I want you to do with the word orgasm, okay? And this is going to be very, very uncomfortable. It's going to be very awkward and it's going to be weird. And I'm not even sure why I'm suggesting it, but it could be entertaining. It could change the way you look at people you know, or even you don't know. But here's what I want you to do. And you'll probably hate me for this, but I'm going to ask you anyways. Next time you're out with friends or coworkers or buddies, maybe even family. Oh, God.

And that's the toughest one of all. while your friends or family or whoever it is is talking they're just chatting away blah blah blah talking about the weather talking about their new car talking about you know the latest movie they saw the grocery shopping whatever it is as they're standing there talking and you're staring at them I want you to picture them

picture them right at the moment of ecstasy Just their face. Picture their face. I know this is bizarre, and I don't know why, but it happened to me the other day. I was talking to someone, for whatever reason. I just thought, I wonder what this person's face looks like

when they're having the big O. And it freaked me the hell out. I didn't want to think it, but it was too late, and I thought, I don't want to be cursed with this. I better tell my listeners to do it, so they're cursed with it. so here you go gang this could ruin your day or it could make you laugh

when you're doing your thing when you're talking when your boss is saying well today we we closed a big deal with Hewlett Packard I'm proud to announce that we're going to be doing a 5.0 share with the

company right in the middle of him talking picture the exact moment when he's expressing as they say picture of the the pinched eyes. You know, the eyes crinkled shut at the moment of pleasure. Right?

Maybe the eyes rolling back in the head. Maybe picture the mouth hanging halfway open with that groan slowly coming up. Oh, you know, that type of thing. And just for a minute, you just picture it for about 10 seconds, maybe five if you dare. And I have no idea why. It's the weirdest thing. You will just look at everyone differently. If you picture them in that moment,

it's so uncomfortable. Even talking about it, I feel very awkward. But you're standing there talking to your best friend. He starts talking away. Yeah, man, so me and Dave, we went down to the ball game. We grabbed a six-pack. And as we're getting back, we got on the bus

And right in that moment Just picture him letting loose Just the face I'm not talking about picturing the sexual act I'm not talking about picturing anything below the neck Nothing in the private parts Just the face I just want you to picture

That pinched up crinkled face And pain or ecstasy Or somewhere in the middle Just that Oh, God. I'm telling you, it's going to throw you off. It's going to throw you off your game. The next time you're in a boring meeting

or just talking to someone, even getting coffee from the barista at Starbucks. Hi, can I take your order? Would you like a nice egg sandwich this morning with your vanilla latte mokicino? And just in the middle of all that, in the middle of that blurb, You're just seeing it right on that Starbucks person's face.

So anyways, we have some new cinnamon spice coffee, grande macachino a latte. We're bringing in a brand new all the way from Kenya, some really wonderful beans that have roasted in the sun. They're actually sun-roasted beans, and right in the middle of that spiel. Just picture that person, their face. that moment of orgasm face I know I'm screwed y'all up anyone who listen to this is done for the day

because you know you're going to do it and you know you're going to see things it's like that kid I see dead people you're going to be like I see orgasm people oh my God oh my God I'm so disturbed I didn't even think most of my friends and family had sex

and now I'm completely disturbed. Because it's safe to assume everyone you've met has had a big O. If they haven't, they're probably a monk or they've got no arms. So there you go. For better or for worse, have fun with this one, gang. I apologize in advance. But why don't we just call it imaginary O-Day? That's what we'll call it.

Happy imaginary O-Day. I'll only do it one. once a year. It'll be a tradition. There'll be one day every year where you have to picture everyone you know having their orgasm face and you'll never think of them the same again. There you go.

All right, good. I'm glad we got that out of the way. Fun stuff. And why don't we close out the show talking about the big A instead of the big, oh, the big A. And when I say the big A, the big app. We have the new Harland Highway app. available for you.

Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes. Please download it. You can download it at Android. You can download it at the Apple iTunes on your Apple cell phone. Just go into your app store and type in the search, the Harland Highway, and there it is. You get the app for free. You get all the podcasts as they're released. the latest 50 episodes and then everything below 50 which is about 650 that's a lot of episodes

they are now under a premium content subscription thing so you pay like i think it's eight or nine dollars and you get all all the podcasts i've ever done and we're going to be adding like premium material just for premium members. I'm going to put up special interviews, special stand-up comedy stuff, special I have another podcast. I'm working on the side, and you're going to start to hear that one emerge soon. So well worth the small amount of money that we're asking to help support the podcast as it grows and gets bigger and we have more overhead and blah, blah, blah.

all goes back to a good cause. So thank you in advance. And please, even if you don't get the premium content, just get the app. It's free and you'll be able to have it whenever you want. Share it with your friends. Let them know that it's out there. So cool stuff, man.

Let's end it right there. We'll end it on the big O. and the big A, which is O-A. O-A-O-A-O-A-O-A-O. But before we completely end it right there, let's not forget, there are some awesome, awesome shows coming up. This weekend, I will be in Portland, Oregon at the Helium Comedy Club. That'll be Thursday, October 8th through the 11th.

It's going to be a great time. The Helium Comedy Club. And then October 23rd, 24th, I'll be in Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Work. So jump on Harlow Williams.com. Check out my comedy tour schedule link. And it will take you right there. You can reserve your tickets. You don't want to be left out.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't. And then if you want to comment or make an orgasm sound or anything like that, you can call me at 3-2-3. 739, 43330. That's 323739, 43330. Leave a message for us there, and if we like the message, we'll put it on the show. It's that easy. Lots of people have called in, and they say, Harland, I couldn't believe you put my voicemail on the show. I loved it, man.

So you could be next. Who knows? Or if you want to write to us at harlanwiams.com, there is a contact link where you can write to us, and we might read your email on the show. Who knows, man? And while you're at the website, please check out the store. We have a merch store there with all kinds of great gifts and funny products for you to order. T-shirts, books, music, DVDs, CDs, everything's there. It's a blast.

And that's it. That's where I will leave it today. I hope you had a good time. keep your eyes and ears alert watch out for oncoming traffic always looking out for your safety here on the Harland Highway and until next time

you know what I'm about to say chicken chau-main baby oh Thank you.