The Harland Highway - 706 - AUNT RUTHIE calls in. Dangerous vegetarians. Phone talk.

Episode Date: October 15, 2015

Aunt Ruthie calls the show and leaves a long message for Harland. What happened to phone calls? Harland unveils his new podcast. And Vegetarians are in trouble. Pod a wad!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi everybody It's Harlem Williams This is the Harlan Highway Podcast Hello How are you Hello Today we're going to be talking

How about phone calls When was the last time? You made a nice long phone call To a friend or loved one And just talk to them Just talk to them I don't mean to raise my voice But I'm asking the question

And we're going to talk about that today On the Harlan Highway I have a feeling most of you haven't done it In a long, long time Also speaking of phone calls Aunt Ruthie is calling in. I guess she, I don't know what she has to say, but Roger told me Aunt Ruthie left a long-winded

phone message on the answering machine. So we'll be hearing from Aunt Ruthie. Also, I'll be, I'll be revealing my new podcast. Oh, my God, exciting news about my new podcast. Wait to you hear this. And also, we're going to be talking about the bad, evil things that vegetarians do. Wait till you hear this.

It's all here on the Harland Highway. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you, I will please you all, believe me What is he like? What's he going, anyway? Oh, he's an angel. He's an angel stuck from nothing.

You're going to need a bigger pose. You're listening to Harlan Williams. Why don't you give me a name and a face and a reason why? Your man, what do you expect the guy that's jiggle-all man? It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over!

You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers.

I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Oh, you get your money's worth. Believe me. Are you feeling Are you still insane Don't you realize the things we did We did

Oh For real Not a dream I just can't believe They're all fading out of view Oh, oh sorry Boy, oh boy Do you miss it

Be honest. Do you miss it? Do you miss talking to people on the phone? Do you? Do you? Oh, oh, Charles. Oh, Nelson. Oh, oh, oh.

Remember, before texting, before Facebook, before Skyping, before, remember, remember when you just talk to people on the phone? it snuggle up on the couch you go oh i'm going to talk to carol tonight or i'm going to talk to my buddy david he always makes me laugh he tells great stories i have this really old friend diana we've been buddies for 20 years and just when we get on the phone it's kind of a special phone call it's different from all the other ones it's like a it's like an old cup of warm hot chocolate It just comforts me.

It's like wrapping myself in a nice warm cuddly blanket. But we don't do it anymore. How often do you get on the phone and chat to someone? How often do you stay at home at night? I remember there was a time when returning phone calls took up a significant portion of your day and your night. I remember I used to have to make a list of people. I mean, Bob, Bob, David, Sarah, Mike, Carl, Barbara, Tony.

I'd have to write a list to be, okay, I got to call this person that, you know? And some of them, you just, you know, even if you had to call them for business, you'd always have to make small talk and connect with them, throw in a little story, little an antidote. But there was those special people that, you know, you would just talk to. You'd tell stories, you'd talk about relationships, you'd hear their heartache, you'd hear their pain, you'd hear their triumphs, you'd hear their sadness. Sometimes they'd cry on the phone, sometimes they'd laugh on the phone.

Sometimes you'd stay on the phone for hours. I'm not kidding. Remember those phone calls where you'd look at the time and you'd be on the phone for two hours, three hours. now it's it's like you know it used to be probably a daily thing when you did that now how often when was the last time you had a nice long phone conversation with somebody it was the last time you had a good old heart to heart instead of a hey how are you i'm fine what's going on text oh really that sounds great hope i see you soon

Happy face, L-O-L. Oh, okay, yeah, tell dad I said hello. Yeah, I really missed you too, Sarah. Text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text, text. It's a little bit sad, and there's generations of people that will grow up and never know the nice long phone call. I mean, I guess everyone still does them to a degree, but not the way they used to. be. That's why I said, think about it. What was the last time you had a nice, long, wonderful phone conversation?

Okay. So no one's answering. Can't you just let it ring a little long, walk along? Oh, I'll just sit tight from shadows of the night. Let it bring for ever more. Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. So maybe that's a little homework assignment for you, if you're so inclined. Maybe it's this week, sometime this week, in the next seven days,

pick up the phone and reach out to an old friend. an old family member, and just go for the phone conversation. If you have a landline, use the landline. And do it in a quiet place, snuggle up in a chair, sit in your living room or even laying in bed. Remember when you used to do those? Just before you went to bed, you'd just lay there and talk to someone. And after a nice long talk, you'd click out the light and drift off to stuff.

thinking about your friend or whoever it was ah so there you go just a quick little reminder that there's people out there that would probably love to hear from you yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes Hello, how are you? Have you been alright through all those lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely that's what I'd say, I'd tell you everything you'd pick up that telephone, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello? Hello?

Hello? I'm waiting at McDonald's hamburger drive-through window and they were in big hurry to take my money, but they were not so much in the big hurry to bring me hamburger. I wait many times longer to wait for the hamburger than to have to have them take it. I have them take my money for the hamburger. Do you know? Hello? Hello?

Hey, Harlan. This is John from Illinois, and I just signed up for your premium content through the app. And then I listened to the podcast with Mr. Featherstone, and I'm afraid I have to agree with him. I would not appreciate that money. going to you hanging out at the bars with your funny little friends uh yeah uh i would rather it go to that little angel campfire jimmy or timmy or he's got the voice of an angel but he could use

some training so uh what i would like is maybe send a receipt and i want to know or a letter from mr featherstone i want to know that money went to him not you and your little parties you have downtown all right then well hey hey john thank you so much for signing up and for those of you that don't know what john's talking about we now have a harland highway app oh yes i'm so excited uh it works on all phones android apple whatever you just go into your app store type in the harland highway and uh and you're in man you got it you got to all the shows you can listen to and you can sign up for our premium membership, which gives you all the back catalog of Harland Highway episodes, almost 700 episodes. Good Lord.

And you're going to have special features that you can only get with the premium package. You're going to hear some of my live stand-up, special interviews, special interviews with real people, special interviews with some of my characters like Aunt Ruthie and Mr. Featherstone. And by the way, forget what Mr. Featherstone said, okay? The money is not going to me and my funny little friends at the funny little bars downtown. I don't know where he gets that stuff. I am not gay. I don't go to the funny little bars.

I don't hang out with funny little friends. Whatever he means by that. I think it's insulting whatever he means to all many ways. The money is going to, um, It's going to help bolster this podcast. It's going to help go to adding new content. And one of the things I'm very excited about you guys is part of the new content is a whole different podcast. And I've been teasing you with it all this time.

But here it is. Next podcast. The next podcast I'm going to play number 707. lucky number seven I am going to play one of the brand new podcast just as a teaser so you guys can get a taste of what you're in

for if you sign up for the premium package the podcast is called let's have a fight it's a podcast that I created and basically it's myself or a special guest mediator and two great

comedians or celebrities or personalities having a series of fights. There's three 11-minute fights back-to-back, and they're verbal fights, obviously, and basically everybody dukes it out. The two comedians duke it out. We pick topics, and we just, well, they just go at each other.

And for the one I'm playing next week, it's actually going to be me. Me, it's the very first episode of Let's Have a, a fight, and it's going to be me up against a great comedian who also has a great podcast, Mr. Greg Fitzsimmons. Fitzdog. So next episode of the Harlan Highway, it'll be a little different. You're going to be hearing the new one. And so the money that you guys pay, and it is dirt cheap, I think right now we have it at $8 an episode, but I think we're going to crank it up to, not $8 an episode, $8 a year. $8 a year. $8.00.

a year, which was set by the hosting company, and I think they made a mistake. We're actually going to be cranking it up to $20 a year, which is still nothing. So if you got in on it early for your first year, you're only paying $8. But because we're doing two podcasts and all those special content, it's just too much work. And so we need, you know, some finances to fund all this stuff um and uh so 20 bucks for a whole year are you kidding me that's nothing that's that's not even a penny a podcast um so uh so please uh please join the harland highway app and uh and as i said next show we will be playing uh the whole in its entirety the whole let's have a fight brand new podcast and if you like what you hear you can you can sign up for the premium package and that's just

one of the things we're doing on the premium package so there you go super excited for that and I love to get your feedback on it. Hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you want it to be better not worse trust me And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy,

all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, better sex is just a click away. That's 50% off. One item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hello? Hello.

Hello. Hello, Holland. Hello. Holland, are you there, a little angel? Hello? Oh, my God, where is he? Holland, it's here me, moosey-crawling angel. How are you, my little angel?

Oh, my goodness, I miss you so much. St. Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York. We're starting to see the leaves turn color on the trees, Arland. The falls coming in. I'm so excited. Remember when you were just a little boy, and you came over and played in the leaves over on the front lawn, and Uncle Harry raked all the leaves up into a big pile?

Do you remember that? And he forgot you were in there, and one of the neighbors backed over your foot with his station wagon. Oh, my God. I've never heard anyone scream so loudly. It was one of the most horrific screams I ever heard, Little Angel, and your mouth was all full of leaves. You looked like you were a fuck. Someone put a blue heron nest in your mouth or something. Oh, my God, the horror.

Your foot all crunched up. Oh, God. But anyways, Angel, that's not why I called. I know you're busy. I know you're in the Hollywoods, making the movies and the televisions and however they call it with all the people's. But I wanted to call because your Aunt Ruthie got into a little bit of a trouble. Oh, my God. One of the neighborhood boys, the little fat kid, Harold.

I don't know if you bet you will. You haven't been up here for so long. You wouldn't know who he is, Roland. But there's a little fat boy named Harold. He runs around He wears black shorts And shiny penny loafers And a striped shirt

He looks like If wears Waldo Had a, you know Retarded Brother or something And my God It's just a fat It looks like Beetlejuiced

You know It did a dropping On the side of the road With all the stripes On his shirt Highland But anyways One of the kids in the neighborhood

I think it was That little red-headed Brad Arthur I think he threw a rock at the fat kid, Harold, and he hit him right in the forehead, and the kid came crying. You know, I have one of those neighborhood watch posters out on the front window. You know, your uncle Harry stuck it up there with the scotch tape. And the sun got all over the scotch tape and melted it.

And now we got, like, goddamn scotch tape stains all over the living room window, for Christ's sake, and it looks like an elf took a shit in the bushes and rubbed his little elf ass. all over on glass. It's just horrible. But anyways, Harold came running up to the front door. He saw the neighborhood watch.

He had a big welt on his forehead. He looked like he was, you know, some kind of godforsaken unicorn or something. It was like a big red, looked like someone grew a mushroom on the top of the fat kid's face. I almost screamed like it was,

you know, accidentally sat on a broom handle or something called it. So I brought him in the house. And, you know, Holland, in the old days, when you were a little boy, and you got hurt, I used to put a piece of raw meat on your face. Do you remember, Angel? Do you remember the time you walked into the doorknob?

Remember your Uncle Harry was in the bathroom making noises like a moose that got its leg caught in a gopher hole? Just groaning, and you were scared, and you walked in to the bathroom doornob, and your Uncle Harry was sitting on the turlet making, oh, it was just horrible, Holland. I think there was bubbles and foam coming out from under the toilet seat. Anyways, you've got a black eye, and I had to put a fresh steak on your face. Do you remember? You ran Ruthie little angel, put a T-bone steak right over your little eye and covered up all your cute little freckles?

Oh, my goodness, your poor thing, you were crying. I'd never seen tears go straight into fresh grade A beef. It was unbelievable. You're so cute. I just want to run my fingers through your hair, little angel. But anyways, this kid comes to the door, and I thought, well, I better put some meat on his forehead, the fat little, you know. And so I went into the fridge, and all we had Uncle Harriet sliced up some roast beef,

you know, some thin slices of roast beef. And I thought, okay, it's cold, it's fresh meat. I'll put it on the fat little fuck's forehead. So I put three or four slices of fresh roast beef on the kid's forehead, and I guess your Aunt Ruthie got carried away. I saw the fresh roast beef on the kids' fore, and I thought, well, wouldn't it look nice if maybe there was some Swiss cheese on top? And so I put some Swiss cheese on the kid's forehead. He started twitching a little. I said, relax, Harold.

This will take the swelling down, you little, you know, pudgy little fuck. And then I got some sliced tomatoes And I put them on Because I don't like to do things halfway at all And you remember when I used to pack your lunches When you were a little boy And I just filled them full of gobbledy gook So I put sliced tomatoes on the kid's face

And some shredded lettuce And I squirted mayonnaise all over his fat little forehead And he looked like a goddamn walking submarine sandwich And he started I went to get a bun to stick it to his before he went running out the door, screaming and crying, and now I'm the bad guy, you know, even though I'm not a guy, Holland. Your uncle Harry's a guy, so he's the bad guy.

But anyways, I'm so upset because now the neighborhood's mad at me. They said, I turned the little Harold into a living submarine sandwich. Kids running through the streets with, you know, sliced roast beef on his face. He's got Swiss cheese, tomatoes, he's got shredded lettuce and mayonnaise. And then the dog started in on him crawling When he was running around in the street Like a dumb fat fuck I mean just go home and lay down

And don't worry about it But this kid's got to make a scene The fatty's running around And his black shorts And his penny loafers And he wears Waldo's assholes striped shirt You know And the fucking pack of wild dogs

What do you expect? It's Rochester, New York There's all kinds of Dobermans And German Shepherds They start chasing this wattle fuck down the road and they're jumping on them and they're biting the meat off his face and you know i'm the bad guy holland why i have ruthie's the bad guy and that's not fair to me so i just wanted if you could call i'm upset my legs are trembling my ankles are swollen up holland i think your uncle harry's

got i think he's got the diarrhea again i heard him up in the bathroom it sounded like someone stuffed a baby deer down the toilet ball and tried to slush its fucking head down there. Anyways, Holland, if you have a chance, I know you're doing your movies and your televisions, but please give us a call, okay? Aunt Ruthie loved you, and there's a goddamn fat submarine boy

running around in the streets, okay? Give us a call, little angel. Aunt Ruthie loved you. Bye, Holland. Oh, my God. There he goes. Oh, my God. There's a poodle on his ass cheek.

Oh, my God. Oh, God. Poor Aunt Ruthie. She gets into some weird, weird stuff. And as I said, with the new app, you'll hear some very exclusive interviews with Aunt Ruthie and some of the other nut jobs that grace this show. And speaking of weird, speaking of crazy,

how about this Harland Highway crazy news story? The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay. So here it is.

Apparently, according to a news report, they did a survey. Apparently one in three vegetarians admits to eating meat when they're drunk. Have a listen. Alcoholic binges can lead to lots of bad decisions. Like, eating meat?

In a survey of British vegetarians, 37% say a night of drinking leaves them craving flesh. The survey shows that close to 40% of vegetarians say they eat meat every time they go out and get drunk. And it turns out when alcohol is involved, all of their ethics go out the window. Because they're not going to some establishment with a commitment to high quality, locally sourced, humanely treated animals. Nope, they're hitting up the corner kebab cart. Apparently they're liars, too, because almost 70% of these phony vegetarians say after they go on their barbecue binges, they don't tell anyone about their indiscretions. Well, I guess, you know, a lot of people lie about stuff when they're drunk. I think vegetarians eating meat is the least of it.

I mean, you know, just think about the guy at the bar trying to pick up the girl. Yeah, look, love, I'm the CEO of Apple. and I've got us. I own a small island in Trinidad. Would you like to come home and get it on with me, love? Hey? What, what you mean? Well, you don't believe I'm the CEO of Apple.

Well, guess what, love? I also own Microsoft and IBM, so I guess it's your loss. Um, but yeah, come on, man. You know, it's tough enough to be a vegetarian. And I just can't buy into vegetarians to begin with. If you're a vegetarian listening, I don't know how you do it. How you don't crave meat. How you don't crave a sizzling burger or a hot dog or a steak or any kind of meat.

How do you just shut that off, man? And it's got to be a thin line, a thin, thin line between, you know, not eating meat of being responsible and just eating it. And this survey shows that when people get drunk, when their guard is down, oh, it's the first thing they go to. Oh, yeah. Maybe that's why all the zombies on the Walking Dead

are always craving human flesh. It's like they're not even dead. They're just, they're drunk vegetarians. Oh, must have meat. I mean, don't the zombies on the walking dead look like vegetarians, don't they? I mean, their skins all sucked in, they're frail. They're thin. You ever seen a fat vegetarian?

You know, a regular person can sit and eat like a dozen donuts and put on pounds. What's a vegetarian snack on? Oh, God. this is my 12 piece of celery do I look fat to you oh god is this carrot going to put me over the edge yeah zombies are just that's all they are that's what the walking dead is it's like they couldn't take one more piece of broccoli or cauliflower their minds are so numb and their bodies are so weak from not eating meat their teeth are rotten out they got curvy, their hair's thinning out, their eyes are all sucked in from eating so much spinach

dip, that their bones are sticking through their flesh because all they do is eat artichokes and, you know, asparagus tips. Must have flesh. Yeah. Next time you'll watch The Walking Dead, just picture a bunch of dwe. drunk vegetarians. That's what that is. I'm not here, ready?

That was a... Could I get another pint of beer, mate? And would you mind if I ate your face? I want some meat. I mean, good Lord. Quit the charade, man. Vegetarian. Come on.

You know, here's the thing. If there ever was an apocalypse and then everything stopped, you'd know the vegetarians would be going berserk for a filial fish or a, you know, a grilled ham sandwich or something. You know, when there's no more crops around, you'd see vegetarians chasing like deer down the road at full tilt. Let's see vegetarians hiding in tree branches. They'd wait for a moose to walk underneath and just drop on it

and start chewing through the back of its hump. Riding in there, sitting in the antlers, bending over, eating the moose's face. Well, it was running in fear. Yeah, nice try. It ain't natural. It ain't natural. So there you go.

folks next time you're out at a bar and you see a real skinny frail looking person starting to hit their third or fourth beer get the hell out so you're not cannibalized and eaten alive by the walking dead vegetarians who is this my mother is dead oh boy so scary those scary i think i better go out and give it that some meat even um so there you go just be careful out there gang um so that's it we're gonna we're gonna leave the show right there um something for you to think about um and please uh like i said in the show there get the app the harland highway app for your phone it takes three seconds to download it's totally free uh the harland highway just type that into your app search

Android, Apple, whatever, you get all kinds of great stuff. And like I said, if you join the premium package, you're going to get a whole extra podcast. And I'm going to be playing the next Harland Highway will be the first episode of the new podcast called Let's Have a Fight. It's a ton of fun. I think you're going to love it. And you'll be hearing it for free on the very next podcast. And then if you like what you hear, you can sign up for a premium package and you will continue to get the Let's Have a Fight podcast on the side.

So good stuff. Also go to Harlow Williams.com and check out my stand-up comedy schedule. Next weekend, I will be in Denver, Colorado, October 23rd and 24th at the Comedy Works. great, great club, great crowds. Please come out, get your tickets now before it sells out. That's October 23rd and 24th. The Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. Spread the word, tell your friends.

And the link to the club is on my homepage in my stand-up comedy link on Harlowyms.com. While you're there, check out the store. You can buy some fun merchandise. Also, if you want a phone and leave your own message, 323739-43330, that's 323-739-4330. And that phone number is also on the website if you don't have time to write it down. Also, you can write me at the Harlan Highway on the website and all kinds of stuff.

Peruse the site, look around at all the different Harlan activities. going on so there you go everybody i hope you had a good time here today loved having you and don't forget your homework call a friend have a nice long warm enchanting phone call with someone you care about i think you'll find it nurtures the soul and if you don't have time for that uh go get some zombie friends and go eat your friend alive uh but Whatever you do, have a great time. That's it for now. Thanks for joining.

And we'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken chalmayne, baby. Hey. How you're feeling? Are you still insane? Don't you realize the things we did, we did. We're all for real. Not a dream.

I just can't. believe if all fainted out of you.