The Harland Highway - 707 - SPECIAL 'ALL NEW' PODCAST - Sneak peek!

Episode Date: October 19, 2015

It's Harland's brand NEW podcast 'LET'S HAVE A FIGHT' Created for the Harland Highway App Premium Members. Today you get a free sampling of the podcast to see if you think it's worth subscribing to the Premium Membership, only $20 for a FULL YEAR! Hope you enjoy the 'LET'S HAVE A FIGHT PODCAST!' Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, hi, hi. Hey, everybody, welcome to the Harland Highway, and today is a very, very, very special episode. So special. It's just so special. Here's why it's so special Lirtle Blurgens and Fleglardin Dardens. As I've been telling you for the last little bit, we recently just started the Harland Highway app, which is a way for you to access the Harland Highway podcast super fast. You download it on your phone, your Apple, or your Android device.

You just search the app store and type in the Harland Highway. The app appears and you can download it for absolutely free. And what you get with the app is you get the latest 50 episodes of the Harland Highway. and then those are free, and then you have what we call a premium access package or a premium package. And if you pay the very, very small fee, the yearly fee for the premium package,

you get all the archived episodes of the Harlan Highway, which equal almost 700. So there's a lot, a lot of, of backlogged episodes in there. And one of the reasons we offer the premium package is that not only to get the backloged episodes of the Harland Highway, but you get bonus features such as special interviews, live stand-up comedy recordings, and, as I've been telling you, a completely new podcast that I have created that we are working on on the

side that's only available to premium members. It's called Let's Have a Fight. And it's a great format where there's a mediator and then there's two comedians or personalities and basically they have three 11-minute fights about certain topics. And they're very comedic fights. They're a lot of fun, a lot of verbal jousting. and, you know, the rules will be explained to you when you hear the podcast. So for today's Harlan Highway, in order to give you a sampling of the Let's Have a Fight podcast,

which you will only be able to hear if you buy our yearly premium package, we are playing the first episode of Let's Have a Fight, which includes myself and a really great comedian Greg Fitzsimmons, who also has his own podcast. podcast on Fitzdog Radio, and he's just hilarious. So we have some great fights. I won't tell you who wins, but it is just a blast. I think you're really going to like the format. And as I said, it's only for premium members.

So today you get a free sample to see if you like it, see if you want to get on board with the premium membership. and just a little bit of history on why there's a premium membership. You know, I've been doing the Harland Highway for almost six years now for absolutely free, and I love doing it. I love bringing it to you guys. It's obviously a lot of work, a lot of time, but I don't care. It's like, this is my life, and this is how I want to fill my time.

I love it. But as I start to produce more stuff that hopefully brings laughter and merriment and entertainment to your ears, It starts to become a lot more work and a lot more time and a lot more expenses for me. And so to do these enterprises, I obviously need a little bit of capital to keep it all running and keep it all going. So I thought I want to bring new stuff. I want to bring fun stuff. But I can't afford to do it just for free the way I've been doing it for six years.

I can keep doing the Harlan Highway forever. But with all this new stuff, it's just. just not possible for me. So not only did you get some great entertainment, but you're also helping the cause here, which if you are willing to buy the premium package, which I think is $8 a year right now, we're actually going to be bumping it up to $20 a year. It was originally set by the hosting company at 8, and we hadn't really signed off on that. And we just feel with all the content and doing two podcasts, you know, we figure 20 bucks a year is still, you know, that's like going and getting a drive-through meal at a drive-thru window.

So 20 bucks for a whole year, we feel is more than fair. And we really, really appreciate you guys, you know, taking the time to spend 20 bucks and support what we're doing here. And, you know, keep you guys entertained. We do the podcast, as you know, twice a week, faithfully. I think most podcasts only do once a week. Some only do, like, once whenever they feel like it. So anyways, we're throwing a lot out there and asking for your help to keep it all running.

And as I said, all the new stuff in the premium package. And there it is. So check out the app at your app store, The Harlan Highway. Download it for free, 50 episodes. And if you want to sign up for the premium package, here's an example of what you will get. My second podcast, full of fun, fight and Vimmer, whatever Vimmer is, it's called Let's Have a Fight podcast. This is the first episode with me and Greg Fitzsimmons. I hope you enjoy it.

Look forward to your feedback. And please sign up for the Harlan Highway app and premium access. Let's have a fight, gang. Here we go. Welcome to the Let's Have a Fight podcast. Welcome to Let's Have a Fight podcast. I'm your host and media and referee Eddie Delisepi. Today we have a great, great match between two comedic Titans,

and here's how the fight works. There are three fights lasting 15 minutes each. Each guest picks one fight topic And the moderator, which is me, picks the third Each guest writes down four topics And they want what they want to argue And they put in the hat And their opponent picks the respective topic

And they have to argue the counter argument of that topic Even if it goes against their belief systems Now note, this is all within the context of comedy And the fight, and they'll be pulling from different information From all over Opponents have to argue the opposite point of view Of each topic. Now, as well, you each have a power slam

That they will be signifying with a sound This fight will stop right and you'll read your opponent's respective power slam today we have two great great great guys very funny people our first opponent in this corner Greg Fitzsimmons a stand-of-comedian writer producer and podcaster host of the wildly successful podcast Fitzdog Radio his book Miss Fitzsimmons has been met with critical acclaim

and he's had numerous appearances on Letterman Conan and Kimmel with two Comedy Central specials as well Greg Fitzsimmons everybody give her a round of applause yeah baby Fitzdog's here Fitzdog is here To my right A very very funny man

Who I've had the liberty Of working with many many times A very funny comedian writer, author, actor as well He's been in Dumb and Dumber Something about Mary Half baked To truly appreciate this man

You have to watch him live Very funny guy Harlan Williams everybody Hey-oh How are you, man Now I will start and stop the fight With this sound

And we have four topics in the hat Greg will be picking first Are you picking Harlan's topics? Are you ready, Harlan? I'm ready to go, man. You're ready? So here's the first topic. This is Harlan's topic.

Here we go. Here we go. Now, Greg, can you read out the topic for me, please? Topic is fur trade. The fur trade, you know, a very topical topic. Since Greg picked the topic, we're going to have Harlan start off. Now, I'm going to be timing this. It's 50-minute rounds.

This is the first fight. Are you guys ready? Ready to go? I'm ready. All right. Do it. Let's have a fight. All right, so the fur trade, buddy, I mean, everyone loves little animals, okay?

Do you love little animals? Of course I do. Okay, so why would you want to skin one alive and make a coat out of it? I mean, they're animals. They live, they have babies, they live in the forest, they're creatures, they got little eyes and little runny noses. You want to skin one and have your wife wear one to the mall? What's wrong with you? If my wife wants to feel like a woman, it goes back to caveman days.

I need to kill for her to show her that I care. If she's not, what should she wear? A tomato skin? Or should I get her alfalfa sprout hat? Come on, that's fucking mentally retarded. What's wrong with you? It's not retarded. You know what it is?

When you start thinking this way like that animals because they have eyes, all of a sudden we should like let them die of old age, they have delicious meat inside of them and lovely fur. That is sick. Wait a minute. We're talking about minks. We're talking about baby seals. When was the last time you went to Sizzler and ordered, like, baby seal chops? When's the last time you went to SeaWorld and asked for a carrot?

You know what? That's fucking Asinart. I can't believe you're saying this. Yeah. Well, believe it. I mean, you're in the forest. You look down, you see a little... Oh, hold on.

It's a power slam. You should go jump in front of a union... Put your glasses on, arse. You should go jump in front of a lawnmower and eat your severed balls. Whoa, whoa, I wrote that too soon. You know what, here's what I can't believe about your argument, though. Okay, let's say you're walking through the forest. Yeah.

You bump into like a little baby bear or a little baby deer. Sure. It's got fur, it's got skin You would pull down a tree branch Thump it on the head and skin it And make a piece of clothing boots or a coat For your, I don't even know where you have girl friends Now Harlan's really tickling at the heartstrings here

Baby, he's using baby animals Yeah Look, if I bump into a baby animal That's a stupid fucking animal That's one that needs to be trained from the herd Have you heard of Darwinism? What do you think fur trade is? It's finding the dumbest,

animals and killing them so that the species become stronger. If you have a beautiful fur coat, you're going to die. Harlan, he's bringing in Darwinism. I know. He's got scientific evidence here. What do you think about that? Darwin, see, here's how showing your lack of knowledge

about Darwinism. Darwin studied tortoises. They don't have fur, okay? Have you ever seen a furry fucking tortoise? You fucking idiot? Come on. What's the matter with you? The reason why tortoises don't have fur, dick brain. They used to, and they got killed for their fur.

And now they've got a beautiful hard shell, and nobody fucks with them anymore. Oh, dude. They've lived very long, not like your career. Oh, wow. I can't believe you just fucking... That's right. We got a power slam. We got a power slam.

Power slammed for that ass munch. You're stupid and ugly, and no one likes you because you're stupid. Wow. Right to the heart. Those are your words. Now, let's get a little heated, guys. I got a dick brain I heard a fucktard

I think he mentioned my career was I think he took a shot of your career Let's stay on topic guys We're talking about the fur trade Yeah yeah I know I mean you can you guys can verbally hurt Hurt and insult each other you want But let's just keep going with the fur trade here

We talked about Darwinism We talked about baby tortoises Well here's the thing It's like there's a reason people Throw like red paint All over women who show up at big events wearing like seal skin jackets and wolf skin and I mean it's it's horrible like why do you bring up seal's skin yeah he's got he's got a fucked up face why he should be killed for that he should

be given as a gift he's married to a beautiful woman seal skin like the fur the little that's an afro that's not fur i'm talking that's racist listen You can hit hard here. Come on. Face it. I'm talking about the little white ones that they beat with clubs. The guys go up in the boat. They jump onto the ice and they smash the baby seals with a stick.

Yeah. You do that. Yeah. You know why? What happens 15 minutes later? He gets flipped into the air by a great white like he's some kind of a beach ball at a BG's concert. No, this is a safe. Too soon, dude.

No, it's not too soon. Very rarely do you hear planet Earth and then the beegey's in the same reference. So wait a minute, so let me ask you this. I can't, you're being such a dick right now. You would, you would wear a fur coat. Like, let's say you went to a big premiere or a big event or something. What does that mean? I don't go to premieres?

Well, probably not. Whoa. What? We're attacking the careers again. No, I'm just saying, you know, why would he? Greg, what do you have to say about that? Well, let's just address the elephant in the, or the Rocket Man in the living room. Oh, wow.

To me, this feels like, we're going to go after each other's careers. You need my pussy. Let's talk about. Kneel down and eat my pussy. The Green Bay Chuckle Hut. I was just there, and you had been there the week before. Yeah. And I heard Friday Night Late Show was a little round. I heard there was a lot. The backs of heads is all you start.

I want to stay on topic, but I'll allow you to acknowledge that statement. I just need you to kneel down and eat my pussy. That's the third time he's mentioned that. Yeah. within the last two minutes. I asked him over there, fucking Bug Eyes McGee, would you go to an event wearing a fur coat? No, I wouldn't.

Oh, okay, so what the fuck then? My wife would? Oh, yeah. Oh, her. Right, I'm not in a black splitation flick. My wife's not married to a marginally successful person, and how else are people going to know that? Wow, wow.

Right, where's your fur? Okay, well, hey, man, I'm just saying I love animals. I don't think women should be wearing fur. I don't think it should be an industry built up around fur. It's like we're at an age where, you know, we live in the modern world. We can buy a coat at Kmart. I mean, look what you're wearing. Sure.

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Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and. Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an

adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Oh, man. What? Look at his shirt. That's a fucking Kmart chair. I want everyone to know that Harlan is wearing a Captain America shirt. You are wearing Captain America shirt. I wasn't even going to bring that up. That was a neutral observer and just talked about your outfit. Like you're like an eighth grade boy.

I'm keeping it fair. I keep an affair. You need a backpack and a fanny pack. Whoa. I fucking hurts, dude. You know what? Here's what it is. What about my haircut? It's great. You toss the salad this morning. It looks really nice. You got it just right. All right, we're taking an aesthetic verbal insults here. I just want to say one thing.

Yeah. You know, it's guys like you that deprive women of the things that really make them happy. You're the same guy that goes, I'm not going to buy you a diamond wedding ring because it's a blood diamond. Bullshit. You don't want to spend the fucking money. You want to save it for your comic book collection and your goddamn t-shirt collection. No, ass much. I wouldn't even want to go out with the girl who wanted a fur coat.

That would make me sick to my stomach. I see a hot girl, I'm dating in a fur coat. I dump her immediately. Right, and just date a lesbian. Because those are the ones that don't want fur coat. Oh, you son of a bit. You needed that burp. You needed it.

I don't know if there's a burp count, but that's Harlan's first burp. You fucking needed that burp so deep. It's like it fucking lives on you now. Now, we live in a consumption sort of society. You know, Greg is arguing that we should be able to consume animals. Do you think that's, obviously, you think that's a wrong thing? Yeah, we should consume, like. Do you think we can conserve them?

Is that what you think? No, we should consume the ones that are domesticated. But I don't like the idea of going out and shooting a moose. Do you need to eat a moose there, fatty? Oh, man. Seriously. No, but I need it for the coat. I have a coat rack that's made out of moose antlers, and I'm not making that up.

I have a moose handler. Yes, I did. Where'd a guy like you in a Kmart fucking shirt get a moose antler? At Kmart. Oh, you son of it. They have them right next to the Captain of him. American shirt. Oh, you son of eat my dirty, soiling green hole.

I know for a fact you wear a leather jacket because I've seen you in it. Oh, right? Okay, that is a conflict of interest. A cow has less of a soul than a... Yeah, but it's off a domesticated animal. We domesticated it. It wants to be in the wild. You think a fucking cow dreamed of being a docile, fat fucking steak?

You think he dreamed of being a dinner for you? Now, Harlan, Greg, because of a good point. It's a conflict of interest. We're wearing a leather coat. How are you going to answer that? Look, look, when you wear a leather coat. It's something out of a farm. You're not taking something out of a fragile ecosystem, man. So a farm is okay, farming animals, taking thousands of beasts, making them live in their own shit, shooting them in the back of the head or buzzing them to death.

That's a life that God would look down and put his thumbs up on. We got to feed the masses. How are you going to go? Oh, don't tell me you're in the vegetables. I only eat vegetables. Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. You want to do a broccoli fart for us while we're here? Jesus, Christ, this guy.

I knew you were pale, but now I know why. Fuck. Holy shit. You're not really a vegetarian, are you? No. You son of a bit. He duped me. Now, Greg brings up a point.

I mean, like the movie Food, Inc., we're taught we consume animals in different ways. You feel that, like, it's a wrong. Is it wrong, Harlan, farming in general? I mean... I don't think so, because, you know, we got, what, million, seven billion people on planet ooth oon. Okay, you know what? Go for it. Is that where Captain America goes

to fight in big battles? Oh, man. Eat my glory hall. Planet Oof. Eat my dirty glory hole. Listen. You couldn't even get your point out without, you've lost the R entirely. We need to say on topic here.

No, no, let's just talk about Planet Ooth. Planet Ooth, we're all part of you. It has no clarity. I guess it's no oxygen. Go eat some sandpaper clip. He's found a link. It was to Cole. It was a slip-up, dude.

Are you making fun of me? I had a little verbal slip-up. You do this for a living. You literally, the only thing you need to do is to speak clearly to do the assidine profession that you do so poorly. You know what? Why don't you go eat the meat hanging under Oprah's arms? Okay, okay, let's break it, let's break it up, let's break it up, let's break it up.

We've attacked, we've attacked. Oh, that was a little. Let's break it up, guys. We've attacked each other's physical appearances. our clothing choices. We're all children of planet Ooth. We need to stay on the topic here. Suck it.

The fur trade. Oh, eat your crab. Let's stay on topic here. The fur trade. Obviously, it can be a view as a horrible thing. It can be viewed as a great thing. Harlan, you view it's a horrible thing. But Greg does bring up great points.

I mean, we do consume animals in many different facets of society. I mean, you had meat today, didn't you? Did I have meat? today? I did. I had bacon. I had bacon today. Canadian bacon. But I don't care. I love meat. I'll eat meat. I'll eat domesticated meat. But domestic animals should be consumed? What are your thoughts on that? I don't think we should domesticate animals. I think we should only eat farm free range

type animals. I think that we should let animals go free and, you know, eat less meat. and let the meat that we eat be not filled with steroids and all kinds of... Have you ever been to a drive-thru dip shit? Oh, man. A drive-thew? Oh, come on.

Did you ever go to the drive-thru? I mean, I'm not from Planet Ooth, so... Oh, you know, fucking eat my... We got two minutes, guys, two minutes. You have two minutes to make up for the fight. Listen, here's the bottom line. Harlan Williams lives in a fantasy land where you have 23 hours free every day

and so you have to think about your liberal causes that Sharon Ben Midler tell you to believe in. Why don't you grow the fuck up, find a woman, put a fur coat on her in a diamond ring, and let her feel the estrogen in her body for the first time. Instead of your sandpaper finger going inside of her dry. Show me something, Harlem, you got to get in there. You know what, why don't you carve the meat out of a Galapagos tortoise,

turn it upside down, fill it up with water, drop some apples in there, bob form, and go drown yourself, you fat fuck. Oh, man. I'm not fat. You are today You're fucking fat today Fat is a relative term

We don't know where he's talking about specifically It may not be America I eat my sandpaper clip We got one minute boys We got one more minute What do you mean you got one more minute That was the finale That was it

Johnny Abley retentive We're going to end this right Now we're attacking the ref, we're going to end this There's a fireworks display And then he goes We got one more minute That was a great bout guy. You come, and then the woman goes, I didn't come yet.

You go, like, sweetheart, the ride's over. Wow. It's a line. Wow. There is. Everyone's being attacked on this table. Yeah, I like it a lot of. Now, we brought up great points.

Greg brought up a lot of great points about the consumption of animals and how we can't really draw a line in certain spaces. Yeah. And you brought up a lot of great topics as well. I'm going to have to give it to Greg on this one. Whoa, man. First round, first chill. Put it on the wall.

Greg was the first one. Now there's been a lot of attention in here. There's a lot of attacking the careers. Oh, yeah, yeah. I want a clean fight. There's going to be another round. Are you guys ready for the second round? Are you guys ready for the second round?

Now, the second round's going to be Harlan picking out one of Greg's topic. All right, and then Harlan, can you read the topic for me, please? Oh, the death penalty. Ooh. So I start, right? So we're going to start with Harlan off the top. No, it's going to be, yeah, it's going to be you off the top. You're going to be me off the top.

All right. Are you guys ready? Are you ready? I'm ready. Greg, are you ready? I can't wait Let's have a fight My first comment is

I wish there was a death penalty So they'd put you down Oh my gosh You know what I'm glad you picked this topic Because I'm all for the fucking death penalty man I mean these I mean We got enough people on the planet

Fitzsimmons That if someone like You know rapes your wife Or kills your kid or rolls your minivan I'm not a I want to know if that is a third on that list. The rules are many men after rapes or wife.

I don't mind if they put people down. I mean, you know, we're paying like millions of dollars to keep these people alive in the prisons. Kill them. Yeah. Well, listen, I'm not paying money to keep them alive in the prisons. What do you mean? I don't pay taxes. What do you mean?

I don't pay taxes. I just don't. What are you an Indian? I'm an Indian. Yeah. What the fuck? Listen to me. The death penalty.

What the fuck is he talking about over there? Guys are fucking. I'm fighting with an eariqu. fuck. Fuck me. Wow. There is people on the death row that have been freed from DNA evidence, that there has been people that have been put to death, that we later found evidence that proved that they were innocent. Yeah. And so what makes you think that a government that can't balance the budget that cannot run a judicial system that makes sense has the authority to put human life to an end? That's insane to me. That's a strong political social point, Harlan?

Well, I'm telling you, man, when you've got, like, when you've got complete unequivocal evidence, okay? When you've got, when you've got videotape of someone committing a murder, a heinous crime, and there's no question, pop them and drop them, guy. I've seen videotape of jackalopes. You know what a jackalope is? Yeah, it's a jackass with a fucking Pope up its ass, right? Truly a lover of animals, Harley Williams. I mean, to me, I've seen things on video that you can't believe. Like what? I can only imagine the shit you watch on a Saturday night, creep show.

Boo Radley over here. Fucking guy sitting with a bag of Pringles watching her Maphrodite movies on a Saturday night. If you really believe that the government is capable of putting somebody to death, then I want to know how many of the juries, how many of the jury verdicts he's, seen in the news over the last 10 years made you say there's something wrong with this system. The fact that O.J. Simpson is walking free. Should he have gotten the death penalty? Yes. Okay. Would have loved it. But so the juries are wrong sometimes. Yeah, but you know, you got to factor

in there, uh, fudgeticle, Pete, that, that there's, you know, there's, there's always going to be a few blips, okay? Like for every 50 guys they put to death, maybe two are innocent. Right. But that's Just fine. And the other 48 are black. So that's the other point. If you want to look at the way the demographics break down on the death penalty, it's mostly black men that are put to death. Oh, come on.

White people have more money. They get better lawyers. They get out of it. It's the bottom line. Blacks are arrested more because of racial profiling. Juries are more, they're predisposed to put a black man in the electric chair, and they have less money to challenge the case later. Come on. I think you're being selective here. I think that you look.

Yeah, I'm selecting from all those facts that. Oh, you son of a bit. Now, clearly, Greg Zones Research. What do you feel about that? Well, I just think it's completely wrong and you really can't get research from a coloring book. Now, I think you've got to look at the fact. Guys like Ted Bundy, Jeff Dahmer, all these. Jeff Dunham? Jeff Donham, I believe my death penalty for. I said Jeffrey Dahmer.

Can you like to cure a puppet? fucking puppets. I do like to electrocute each puppet, chop its head off. Oh, wow. That would be fun. Oh, my God. I think I just agreed with you on that point. I think everybody is on the same page about that. You start with the puppets because then people are kind of laughing. It's fun. And then Jeff goes last, and by then we're in such an uproar. We just go with it.

So we do have a consensus on the Jeff Dunham. But if you kill Jeff Dunham first, doesn't that kill the puppets immediately? Because he voices them all, right? Now, according to Jeff, they all have a mind of their own. Right. It's not him. He has to tell them to shut up sometimes when they're saying racist stuff. Do you think he has orgies with them at his house?

Okay, okay, again. I'm going to have to break this up. Pulls their Velcro off. He put the puppet on his cock. Oh, wow. All right, right, right, right. All right, right, right. All right, guys, we're going to break this up.

We're going to stay on topic. Oh, my God. I know that more people want to hear about Jeff Dunham having sex with puppets. Quick, the comics are having a riff. Let's get it back to death penalty, quick. Yeah. Well, hey, I think. Look, there's violent criminals and, you know, that's their destiny, right?

They've done heinous things. There's guys that have done multiple murders, you know, they've killed children, and, you know, they deserve it. I mean, why let them live their days out and we're paying tax dollars for it? Well, because, Bunko, if you look at the numbers, the actual cost of the appeals process for a death penalty case is much higher than putting a prisoner in jail for the rest of his life. Great point. So, again, I hate bring up facts because you get this look in your eyes like a mouse that you saw a piece of cheese, but there's a maze in the way, and he's got diarrhea. So I know it's difficult for you to confront hard facts. Suck my olive garden waitress outfit.

That's what I say to you. You know what? We're getting a power slam. We got a power slam. Here's what you get, buddy. You're a slimy, rapy-faced, and you'll die alone. It's a zero. There seems to be a-zero.

You're a slimy, rapy face zero, and you'll die alone. There's a theme here. Yeah, yeah. That's a theme here. I felt good. Thank you for writing that for me. I'm sorry about the abbreviation I thought it was going to be for me, so I could just read off it.

Oh, no. I know. I think it worked without zero. Now, Greg feels that the judicial system is a little broken. The appeals court, all that's money that's going to go in towards freeing somebody. It is too expensive for them to actually do. So putting someone down is actually, more cost effective.

What do you feel? Less cost effective. Look, I already said it. And if you need to hear it a fourth time guy, because it's not getting through that fucking giant

Charlie Brown head of yours. It's like, I have no problem seeing a scum bag hit the six foot undermark. I mean, I don't have sympathy. I don't have compassion. It's like, what about the victims? You ever think about that?

Like, it's kind of like, your audiences at your shows. What about the victims? What? Well, it's funny that you bring up audiences because I know that you know nothing about killing. To me, this feels like you're creating more victims. Suck it hard. When the government

executes somebody, every member of that family is now a victim. They didn't kill somebody. Now they've got a brother or a father that's been murdered by the U.S. government. You sanctioned murder. You come down here from Canada. Oh, here we go. With your Neil Young music and your maple syrup,

and all of a sudden you want to start saying Americans can kill each other? Why don't you get a banjo and go back to the bayou of Canada? Wow, a bayou? There's no bayous in Canada? The southern part of Canada doesn't even have fucking bayous. What fucking deliverance planet are you from, Captain Crunch Jr? Where? Ooth.

Oh, you son. Oh, man, we're bringing up from round one. Wow. So let me ask you this. Okay, hypothetical, okay? Sure. Your family gets slaughtered in the middle of the night. You got the guy on death throw.

He's sitting in the electric chair, and they give you the opportunity to pull the lever. Will you do it? Absolutely. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun. Liam Nissan.

Buy your tickets now. I get a free Tilly Dog. Chilly Dog, not included. The Naked Gun. Tickets on sale now. August 1st. Oh. I guess I win this fucking round

Dummy But that's why I want the government to stop me I need the government to stop me from doing that The same way I go to AA meetings Because I need some guy to stop me from opening a bottle of scotch one night I want to do it It would feel right But afterwards I'd regret it

I don't think Really? Would you regret killing a guy that wiped out your family Yeah because I don't know that he definitely did it. Nobody knows in this reality. All right, let's say you had your little your little Fry's electronics video cameras set up and you, I don't know where you live, probably like a one bedroom

or something. Let's say you got them all set up and you film the whole thing. This guy is probably a one bedroom in Fresno. I don't know where you live. Stuff all your kids in there. And your security

camera from fries, you're 300 $100. It videotaped the whole murder. You knew without a doubt that this guy wiped out your family. You wouldn't just pull that thing. No, because I don't know what my family did to him. Oh, come on. I wasn't there for the beginning of the fight. Come on. Father Teresa Jr. My kids do some fucked up shit. And I want to kill him, but I don't. Maybe he's more goal-oriented than me. He's got follow-through. Maybe I'm a pussy. Wow, wow. Un-Boriva, bro, as they say down in Chinatown. Wow, okay.

Okay. Wow. I just think that, you know, guys like you want easy answers to complex questions because you have a simple mind. Your act is, your act is, uh, I mean, and again, we shouldn't talk about each other's acts, but just talk about yours for a second. You're doing it. It's made for sixth graders. Wow, man. That cuts deep.

That cuts deep. Wow. Oh, I didn't mean that as an insult. It cuts real deep. Six graders are a great demographic. Fuck, that cuts deep like the wrinkles in your forehead. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Wow, that really, that really, you put a weird wrinkle in that one. Oh, man. I don't know what to come back with with that. Oh, good, good. I like it that way. That's almost, that's the equivalent of a low blow in boxing. Well, he just, he just, he just, oh, very timely, a great, great chance to do a power slam. I was hoping you didn't do it.

I was going to win the round by default. Here's the power slam. Suck a midget fart through a drinking straw There we go I didn't put faggot on there I don't mind I don't mind personalizing

What the fuck is that? It's 8 Friday weekend I didn't add anything to your fucking thing What the fuck guy Yeah you took something out of mine Zero which was the best part Oh look at your zero you put a line through it Who puts a line through a zero

Everybody puts a line through a zero Who draws a zero and puts a line through it That looks like a no zero zone unreal where'd you go Helen Keller hi fuck my

greasy olive guard all right you're an olive guard I'm gonna call Nick DePaula right now I'm gonna be very upset with you oh man I don't condone the the faggot after that

but he does you know he was a little cryptic in the message there so kind of threw you off a little bit but where was the argument going I don't know man I think we're trying to talk this is a fundamental

issue about there's, you know, killing murder is the first crime. Cane and Abel. Okay. You know, and when you think about the heart of a society, we are the only developed nation in the world that still executes its people. We execute more people than any nation in the world, and we call ourselves civilized. Yeah, but are we civilized because we do carve out the bad people? Does that make us a better society because we eliminate the scum? No, you create more scum because Because again, the families, the friends, the very psyche of our nation is affected. There's a ripple effect when you murder somebody. It's more murder.

It doesn't matter who did it. The taking of a human life is a negative thing that has consequences. All right, let me ask you this. Like, when you're at home at night cuddling with your neighbor, Ed, watching the Green Mile. Ed and I watch the Green Mile? Yeah, that's what I've guessed. I just figure. We got two minutes, guys.

Two minutes. Okay. I picture you cuddled up with your neighbor, Ed. What's my head wearing? The head's wearing nothing. That's what makes it really fucking gross, and you should know better. You're watching the green mind. You know it would be gayer if he's had on a Captain American t-shirt.

Oh, man. Sorry. Wow. Wow. I just, all I can say about that is suck my Olive Garden. That's fucking all you can eat bread. All-Garons get a lot of play in this. I just feel I need to go there.

Unofficial sponsor, Olive Garden. I'm just going to end it and say, look, man, if somebody kills someone and somebody does something to despicable and vile. They deserve the death penalty. Greg, final point. I'm going to say that in this society, I hope that we aspire to more, and I hate to think

that it comes down to the infantile rantings of a man who's still truly living in an apartment. I have a house, and I really think you live in an apartment. I'm not kidding about that. I think you probably call it a condo when you go to the improv and you're trying to impress Bud Friedman, but I think at the end of the

night, you're driving a Hyundai back to a one-bedroom apartment, and and try to put it on me because I think it's something that makes you very sad tonight when you've got that carrot up your ass and you're jerking off your left hands and it feels different.

You know what? Lick the chunks off my red lobster bibb. Oh! All right, all right. That's the round. That's the round, guys. Let's get a round of applause. These verbal titans went at it.

Deeper. On topic, off topic. That was a great fight. I thought he was going to miss his power giant. No. I think it was well-timed. I didn't feel like I needed it until you hit me with the wrinkle thing.

Then I needed, I need to fight out. No, I'm going to have to pick the winner of this fight. Now, Greg brought up a lot of great points. Statistics, he brought up a lot of great points that are still within the social fabric today that we should be talking about. But if we're talking about entertainment value, aside from that, I don't give this to Harlan, because Harlan really, he went deep, he went on topic, off topic, and, you know, it was a spectacle, and I think I liked it a lot.

I didn't realize that you're supposed to enter it. retain the judge because you're supposed to make valid Yeah Yeah Valp Not string together

Eat it stir fry Right okay Okay okay Let's break it up You have to string together A bunch of non-secular I didn't know that But that was

So we have We have the final round We have the final round Now since Since you got No absurdism was the heart of a trial

Oh Joe fucking eat my All right All right All right right Let's break this up Now this is our final round This is the The deciding round.

I've chosen four topics. Now we're going to have... Now, kinky. Now, whoever's... I'm going to choose who's going to pick the last topic. This is the deciding round. This is the thing who's going to win the final fight. I'm going to have Greg pick out the topic

because Greg didn't win the last round. All right. There might be some overlap in the last topic, but... Okay. Now, Greg has the topic. Greg, can you read out of law for me? The topic is the drought in L.A. is a conspiracy. So, you're going to go against that point.

Okay, you got it. Are you ready? Greg, are you ready? I'm ready as shit. Harlan, are you ready? You're going to slip up some Coca-Cola here? This is so unfair that he got Coke, and I didn't. All right.

A bottle of Ralph's water. Well, we're talking about the drought. We're talking about the drought, so let's talk about it. Let's have a fight. Let's do it. I do believe it's a conspiracy. Look, there's tons of water out there. Okay?

We get snow every year. We get rain every year. We get rain every year. We're talking about the L.A. We're talking about the L.A. Yeah. Look, it's snow. There's mountains all around L.

if you live here and you look out any window you'll see a mountain range and in the winter months they're white on top what is that god's fucking dandruff it's fucking snow up there twinkle teeth all right fuck what happens when it gets warm the snow melts it fucking comes

down we have water okay deal with it holy fuck guy there's about as much snow on top of those mountains as there is dark hair on top of your head oh wow you look like a mountain top he's attacking the lettuce harland I don't tell you something.

If you don't, if you think it's a conspiracy theory, take a look at my garden. My garden is as brown as your dirty asshole. What do you make? I have not been able to water. They told me they had to stop watering. They jacked up the prices. It's no conspiracy.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, as governor of this state, would definitely dig in and cut us a break if there was plenty of water. Yeah, well, you know what, their fucking powder? You wouldn't need fucking gardens if you ate fucking meat. Remember the first fight? Hello. Bringing it back there. Why do you have a garden?

What are you, John Boy Walton over there? Personal attacks. Personal attacks from Harlem Woods. How do you have a garden in a one-bedroom condo or Fresno? It's a window box. What are you growing corn on your window ledge? Fuck me, fucking Malachi. I grow garnish so I can put it on the edge of this plate that I'm going to fucking eat you off of right now.

Oh, man. If you think everything is a conspiracy. You wear a Captain America shirt. We talk about Planet Off all the time. And the bottom line is, there is no goddamn water. Have you been to a water park in California recently? You go down the slide that used to have water on it, and you scrape your asshole till it's bleeding.

Wow. The bottom of the pool doesn't have water, and it has blood. Little children are an asshole. And that's not fun. Are you telling me children are scraping their assholes off because there's no water? That's what I'm trying to tell you. Holy, you are one sick, twisted fucking unicorn fart.

I'm not the one that's taking my neighbor's kids to the water park like you did last week. Wow, dude. He's out there taking pictures and laughing at. I just drove, I drove down the five today in L.A., and I passed two fucking lakes full to the brim. Yeah. How are we out of water? That's ridiculous. There's groundwater.

You know, there's water, billions of gallons of water under the ground that they can tap into? This is Hollywood. You don't think we can make a couple of fake lakes? Yeah, there's Lake Hollywood. There's a big lake in the middle of Hollywood. You ever been up to Lake Hollywood? Of course I have. Okay, so there's plenty of fucking water. Why would you think I haven't been to Lake High? I don't know. You're like Boo Radley. You stay in your basement and play with radishes all day.

I don't know. You think that you own this town. You walk around and you're a tap and off T-shirt. Fucking right. Yeah, but you think that somehow because you've got a go-tee that you're in the Stanley Cup finals or something. The bottom line is, you have been as close to the middle of Hollywood as I've been to the middle of Shared's vagina. Whoa. You are outside the red curtain. Holy shit, dude. He feels they're disconnected, Harland, that you don't really know what's going on in Los Angeles.

No, I believe that it's a way, they're doing this thing now where they're penalizing people. They're charging people, writing tickets. If you use your sprinkler, if you watch your car in your driveway, it's just another tricky way for the, government in California to milk you for money. It's like the equivalent of getting a stupid ass parking ticket or a speeding ticket or in your case, an indecent exposure ticket, whatever. Oh, man. No, that's totally fair. Wow. That's totally. Tell me how many times have you stood naked at Orange Julius playing with your ball sack? I don't play with it. That's work. I like to know that Greg is straight face. He's a sniper right now. He's not smiled at the whole

And that's throwing me off my game. Stop it. Just fucking stop it. Let's go, Greg, Greg. Let me tell you something, Harlan. If that's your real name and you didn't try to use it to edge your way into show business. Wow. Eat my Calamari steak.

I don't know if that makes sense, but all right. If there was a water shortage. Yeah. Look at as you're holding your fucking bottle of water. This makes me puke. There is a water shortage. And you can see it because I open this and it's half full. You can't see it because it's a podcast.

This is half full. Listen. See? That sounded like you at Orange Julius. Oh, my God. Wow. Power slam. We got a power slam.

Couldn't handle the Orange Julius thing. Oh, that's a Power Slum. V.F. Skinner. Let him speak. You're dumber than Helen Keller at a fart-eating contest. Oh, you. Baggot. Oh, wow.

Again. What? I didn't put that on there. I'm sorry. What fucking planet are you from, yo? I do like Greg's making the slams his own. I do like that. And that's the third Helen Keller references.

And a second fart reference. Yeah, that's right. Wow. Wow. Do you go to yoga classes? You look flexible? Yeah. You ever bend over and fart in your own mouth?

Because it looks like it. You look like you lift a lot of weights. Have you ever hoisted up a premise the audience wasn't believing it? Wow. Holy shit. Painting a picture hard. This stuff hurts. It hurts deep.

It hurts deep. Yeah, because it's the first episode of the show. You're going to hear a lot more of this as the shows go on, and people start holding up a mirror to you. It's not me. It's going to be different guys fighting all the time. I'm not on every show. Why are you yelling at me?

Because you need it. You need a good fucking Chinese roasted beatdown. All right, right, right. Soy sauce, Willie. Let's break this up. Look, just because Owen Wilson took every role you were meant for. Don't get angry. Oh, wow.

Yeah, that's right. Eat SpongeBob Square ass. Okay. We get a little off topic. But, Harlan believes it's a conspiracy in that. Oh. No, no. Power slam. Power slam. You're getting a fucking power slam. Here it is. You're an insecure baby man with failure in your eyes. Oh, yeah. I like the way Greg slams really, really do cut deep. I like that. Thank you for that. The worst thing is, I think I was describing myself when I wrote that. If there's a burp count, that's three.

Is that three? I hope that gives me the edge. I don't know. Maybe you can do another Helen Keller fart joke. Man, let's get back to water, dude. Okay, but the topic is, I mean, Harlan believes that he feels all this ticketing and all this sort of is a conspiracy to make money that he feels that there's no true drought out there. What do you feel about that? Well, if California needed a way to make money, I think that they could just start taxing mediocre comedian's egos. And we would be flushing. Oh, wow. I think as far as water goes, we have to start taking it seriously.

We have to start thinking about our futures, our children, if we had them. Oh, God. Thanks, Whitney Houston. Fuck me. You really pulled our children of the future card? And isn't it ironic? She drowned in a bathtub full of fucking water. Why would you bring that up?

Full of fucking water. I see what you're doing. Who don't bring that back to water? That is sick, dude. That is some sick fucking... Hi. Oh. Love you.

I'm going to let this play out a little bit. I think we're on the same thing I think we're on the same page for a minute here I like the unification of her death I think that's a fucking trick that was a trick to get me on his side. That's right. You're on it.

You know what? Fuck you royally. I just gave you a royal fuck you. That was a royal fuck you. and you should have to hit that before a royal fuck you. Here we go. Okay, let me, here. Royal fuck you right there.

Here's what I think about you, honestly. You know, when you talk about the death penalty. Before you say anything, you know I'm 70% water, right? Wow, okay. What's the other 30%? Your ass shit. All right, you son of a. All right, what were you going to say?

I was going to say, it seems like every side of every issue you come down on is wrong. And I don't even believe you're saying. smart enough to know that it's wrong. I think you've just heard it on Fox News so many times that you just bring it up. You just regurgitate thoughts. In the same way that your jokes are all they're all old Jeff Ross bits.

Everything you say, when you tell the audience, ask them if they're happy and they say yes that they should tell their face. Like, that's a Jeff Ross joke. That's not one of your jokes. So Gray feels in a macro level, on a macro level that your validity is a comedian and as a person is in question. What do you think,

Harlem? I don't know. I think after hearing that it's like you got to really look in a mirror like a big fucking like carnival funhouse mirror and see if somehow I love the anticipation of this Harlan you gotta get in there Harlan

you got to get in there Harlan you got to get in there Harlan you got to get in there Harlan show me some fuck I got What are you seeing in the mirror? What are you seeing in the mirror your demented twisted fucking Down syndrome

Face Oh man Doesn't have wrinkles on it? It's too smooth That's a royal fuck you right there Wow I couldn't close man Yeah

Fuck I couldn't close the fight Oh dude Now water Now back to the topic of water He brought up the bottle water Yeah Yeah Do you think that's a conspiracy as well

Harland Do you think that Bottled water Bottled water You think we should be consuming bottle water It's not a conspiracy It's like someone, it's a good business thing.

Somebody's making a fortune off of bottled water because half of it is, I hear, it's just tap water. Yeah, I would imagine, but a lot of it is coming in from a third world island from Fiji. Do you think if we had water here, we'd have barges bringing water in from a country that has almost no water to begin with? Fiji has no water? Fiji is a... That's the fourth burp, two in this round. And it's water-induced, I'm sure.

funny, we're sitting here trying to have a serious conversation. Oh, come on. Come on, go suck a salamander. Harlan, he brings up a good point. He brings up a good point. He brings up a good... He brings up a good... He brings up a good... We're bringing water from other countries, Harlan. Do you think that's a conspiracy? Look, what's that got to do with California? We're here in California. That's the water we're consuming. Yeah, but we got tons of water here and you just drink it.

Turn on your taps. Fucking turn on your sprinklers. It's all a lie. Yeah. There's tons of water. We've got the mammoth. mountain range. We got the Sierra Nevada's. There's tons of water in Palm Springs. You go to the grove? There's water fountains. There's water in Palm Springs. Is that what you just said? There's big, fucking mountains in Palm Springs. But did you just say there's a lot of water in Palm Springs? Yes. Do you want to rethink that? No, because I've been there and I've swum in a pool. Eat it. Swam in a pool? I swam in a pool. Past tense of swim, swim, maybe. It was last week, so I swam in a fucking pool, okay? He says there's water in Palm Springs. What do you think?

I think that he's swumming in lies right now. I think that the guy is pulling stuff out of his ass, and most of it isn't just condoms from last night. Oh, my God. I think what you've got here is an example of a guy who, when he's forced to back up an argument, he has to just go into this mumbo-jumbo. He reaches into his stupid head. Come on.

And things come out that it just, I don't think you even believe it. Two minutes, one, we've got last points from each guy. Harlan, you're up. Look, I'm going to close it out and say, look, there's tons of water. around. I mean, even a fat fuck like you that looks like... Why, you keep calling him fat? I mean, you can build a manatee

tank in your backyard and wallow around the fat fuck that you are. I'll even pull some fucking seaweed out of your garden in your fucking window at your one bedroom in Pekoyama to keep you fat for the rest of the winter. I just upgrades of a Koyama. That's not bad.

Tons of water. All right, Gregi, last word. All right, there's no goddamn water. Did you see Do you see James Dean's film, The Rebel Without a Cause? They race cars in the L.A. River. And it's dry. It's concrete. If there was water in L.A., they'd have to have a tugboat race.

And you would be the captain of losing shit. All right, boys, that's the round. Good round, guys. Good round. Wow. There were some burps. There are some verbal insults. That one is going to go beyond the game.

This one is, this one you take home. When I see him. at Nikki fuck yucks in Cleveland it's gonna be different you know I think I think every fight we should be shan with the with a shaking of the hands

guys let's shake hands here there's a good verbal fight I love Craig I love you guys were great Did you say Craig? No Greg your name's Greg Remember?

Yes Holland Both you guys are Very very funny guys That brought up great points In terms of this fight I gotta have to give this to Greg Greg Greg was

It's poignant, funny, stayed on topic. He didn't get emotional, which I think is a true sign of a good guy who's in the fight. There's a lot of times he took every verbal insult and brought it right back to you, Harley. I got to agree. I mean, it hurts to lose, but I think... Good sportsmanship for Harlem Williams, everybody. I think you stepped up and you nailed that last fight. Greg Fitzsimmons.

Congratulations. I had a good night. I got to thank the people to make it possible. My joke writer, Jeff Ross. Nice. This was, let's have a fight. Greg Fitzsimmons, the winner of this fight. Thank you so much, so guys, for tuning in.

And tune in next week. We have another fight with some other great comedic titans. So there it is. The first episode of the Let's Have a Fight podcast. I hope you enjoyed it. We have a few bugs to work out. Still, you know, it'll get smoother and smoother as we go along. And, man, we've got some great guests lined up,

some great comedians, people that you know and love. And you'll get to hear them go, head-to-head against each other, and it is just, it's going to be a blast. So I hope you liked the format, and as I said, it'll just keep getting tighter and tighter as we go along, and, you know, there's going to be some classic fights, and what we'll probably do is towards the end of the year, we might narrow it down to a final championship fight, and you know, we'll bring back the people that we thought did the best. and let the final contenders duke it out towards the end of the year

to see who will be the yearly Let's Have a Fight Champion and we'll give them their fighting trophy. So there you go. Lots of fun and I would love to hear your guys feedback. And please, if you want to hear this on a more regular basis, please join the Harland Highway Premium Package on the Harland. highway app as i said off the top of the show i really appreciate uh the help 20 bucks a year for you know the harland highway and this and everything else i hope you feel you're getting a great deal

um and as always i'll try to provide the uh the best and the funniest and the strangest shows i can and uh in return um your your um your payment will go to help support uh the show and keep keep these shows up and running. So thanks so much for tuning in. Feel free to call me and let me know what you thought of the new podcast. 323-739-4330, 323739-43330, or you can write me at harlandwiliams.com. And while you're there, you can also check out the Harland Highway store. You can check my comedy schedule.

In fact, I will be in Denver, Colorado this weekend. It will be the October 23rd and 24th, Friday and Saturday only at the Comedy Works in Denver. Please come out, tell your friends. Come on out and have some fun with us. It's a great, great club, and I love performing there for all the Denverites. so there you go folks hope you dug it and uh that's it for now um you'll hear more of let's have a fight on the premium harland highway app uh when you join and many other uh premium um premium uh content just for you guys so that's it uh thanks for being here and until

next time i'm going to go lick my wounds after taking that that horrible beating from Greg Fitzsimmons maybe one day I'll get in there and challenge him again but what a great guy my thanks to Greg by the way hilarious I love that guy and uh had a blast fighting with them uh so until next time everybody chicken chameh baby