The Harland Highway - 708 - The POLICE and their music. Flu voice. You are your car.

Episode Date: October 22, 2015

Today we look at the catchy music of the POLICE. What's in your car? Do you have flu voice? And here comes El Ninyo!!! Flu on your shoe! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh sweet heavenly lord. Oh, Charles! Stop it! Fight the Riley. Fight the Charles Nelson. Stop it. Welcome to the Harland Highway, which does not rhyme with Riley. Stop it. Hey, today we are going to be having the Harland Highway question of the day. It involves your vehicle. The vehicle you drive. Very interesting question. of the day. Also, we're going to be talking about the success of the rock band, The Police. Very interesting. I have a theory on how they shot to start them, one of the methods they used to blast through the stratosphere with all their hit songs. We're also going to discuss what you're

hearing right now. Yes, my voice. I won't see anymore. I'll let you hear it as we get into show i'm sure you can detect it in my voice um and then towards the end of the show oh my goodness i'm i'm going to get all scientific on your ass yeah it's not even going to be comedy it's you know we all want to know what the el nino is it's all we hear about al nino this i'll nino that would you pass the el nino please we're all out can i have some more in el nino we're going to discuss and get you up to speed on what el nino is at the end of the show this is the harland Highway Ladies and gentlemen

I'd like to introduce The Harland Highway I promise you I will please you all Believe me What is he like What's he like Anyway

Oh He's an angel He's an angel Straight from nothing You're gonna need a bigger You're listening to Harland Williams Why don't you give me a name

And a face And a reason why You know what do you expect The guy has chigolo man It's over, Jenny It's over Nothing is over You just don't turn it off

You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Weird It's just plain weird You know what I mean I'm still alive I'll tell you what I won't give you You muckers

I won't give you the satisfaction Of saying that I'm sorry Welcome to the Harland Highway Oh you get your money's worth Believe me You know who this is? I think you do. It's not that funny.

You know who this is. You know this song. Here it comes. Wait for it. Rocks. Yes. Okay, that's all we need to hear. Right there, right there.

I want to talk about, I hear, you know, I'm one of these guys that channel surfs, okay? When I drive in my car, I channel surf all the time. I just constantly go through the dial looking for a song that I like. And I've noticed over the generations, that's right, decades, I've noticed that the police get a lot of airplay. And in particular, they get a lot of airplay right out of a commercial. like a radio commercial and I started thinking about it and I realized aha yes the police give good head and I don't mean that in the dirty way I mean that the head of their song

the tip of their song the opening of many of their songs plural are just so damn catchy that I think DJs and radio stations love them because they're kind of rocky, but they're kind of mellow. They're kind of catchy. They're kind of unique. They're really crisp. They're really clean. And I think they reel listeners in. And when you listen to the whole song, you know, the songs are really good. They're not, you know, a lot of them are great. They're really good. But it's that opening. Listen, here's another opening. It just sucks you right in, a police opening. It's so good.

You just can't help, but it's like, oh, yeah, if you're driving in your car. It's like, it's something about moving and the wheels turning and that kind of music. It's mellow, but it's rocking, it's cool. And I wonder if the police, in all their brilliance, did it by design. sign. I wonder if they planned it. I wonder if they're like, guys, guys, all we really need here is a really hot opening, like a really good lick, and radio stations all over the world will just play us in the United States and the United Kingdom everywhere. Just those opening few beats, those opening few bars, just boom, we got them. We reel them in, and then, you know,

we just fill in the rest of the song, right? I mean, come on, man, listen to this. Dun, dun, dun. There's no political console. It's too good. Such a hook. Double devolution. Just that bouncy, bouncy beat.

Oh. I mean, these guys are masters. know if there's anyone else. Maybe the stones had some cool it, like d-dun-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-bom-bom. But I don't even think the Beatles had the hotlicks that the police had.

I mean, these guys just oh, it's just so, it sucks you in. And like I said, I'll, like, kind of get through the opening and then I kind of lose interest in a lot of the songs. But that's not to say they're bad songs. I just

The intro is just killer. They just, they don't stop. It's one after the other, after the other. Shut it out. I can't take it. Shut it off. Shut it off. Shut it off.

Shut it off. Shut it off. I can't take it anymore. Just went, and here's the thing with these guys. Just when you think you've heard them all, you're like, okay, okay, that, that's the last one. That's the last, that's the last time the police are giving me had. Boom! Check it out.

I mean, I got to stop. This segment could just go on forever and ever and ever. I mean, it never ends. These guys are the masters. These guys are the masters giving head. song had. I mean, good Lord. It's just, it's almost erotic. No, I'm serious. Roger, stop it. I can't take any more head. I can't believe I'm saying that. What man says that they can't take any more head, but I can't take any more song had congratulations please i i think you figured out uh on top of being a great and talented band i i have to believe that somewhere in in in the uh the back rooms of the

studios you guys must have gone man let's just get that opening lick and we're going to skyrocket to the moon baby we'll be walking on the moon Okay, okay, okay, okay, enough about the police. I think probably it's time for the Harlan Highway question of the day, Roger, don't you? I think we're overdue for a Harland Highway question of the day. Hit the theme, Roger. The Harland Highway Question of the day.

Okay, here it is, and I think a lot of you can relate to this one. Does the stuff in somebody's car tell you who that person is? Do you know what I mean? Like when you get into somebody's vehicle into their car, their pickup truck, or their submarine, or whatever they drive, does all the stuff hanging around kind of tell you who they are? Does the cleanliness of the vehicle tell you who they are? Does the change in the ashtray holder tell you who they are?

Do the papers sticking out of the little compartment in the front tell you who they are? Do the used coffee cups tell you who they are? To the little trinkets stuck to the dashboard tell you who they are? Does all the stuff piled in the back seat tell you who they are? I think it could if you're an observant person. I think the junk and the stuff and the keepsakes in people's vehicles is very revealing. Like if I were to dissect my own car,

In the back of my car, I've got a bunch of stuff, you know, I've got some clothes. I've got racquetball stuff. I've got running shoes. I've got racquet balls. I've got racquetball rackets. I've got racquetball gloves. I've got racquetball glasses. And in the front seat, in the little compartment between the seats, I got all kinds of receipts for drive-thrusers.

not because I save receipts but you know when you get your change back from the drive-frew they hand you that stupid receipt like you need a receipt for a $6 cheeseburger but I don't know what to do with them I don't want to throw them out the window and pollute so they always end up like in the middle of my thing my console and then I've got change in the middle and in some vehicles I used to have little toys and little keepsakes from road trips

there's usually some kind of junk food wrapper like an old cup from McDonald's or a Coke can or a chocolate bar wrapper or a half-eaten bag of bugles so my car gives you a little insight into my eating habits which might even give you insight into my state of health. But then I offset the junk food.

This is where I could win you back. You go, oh, this guy just eats crap. Why would I date this guy? He's going to be dead by the time he's 32. Oh, wait a minute. What's all that gym stuff? Oh, okay. He plays sports.

He's athletic. Okay, I guess I'll guess he'll maybe he'll live to 40. too, I don't know. And then, do you ever feel weird about change, having a bunch of change in your cup holders or in your ashtray? Sometimes, you know, I keep it there because it's handy, but sometimes I feel like people get in my car and go, who's the cheap wad? What have you been panhandling? What's with all the change, dude?

What do you drive around the city looking for vending machines, loser? So that's a little weird. And you ever notice there's always the one cold wrinkled up French fry down by the seat? You know, in the wedge between the seats or on the floor, right beside the little track where the seat slides back and forth. There's always that one McDonald's French fry. Just laying there all crinkled up and old. But it refuses to go moldy because it's from McDonald's. So it just sits there, like a little lost puppy.

And then there's the stains. There's the telltale stains. You know, there's the coffee stains. There's the soda stains. There's the saliva stains. Did you spit out your window a lot like I do? I've got like splatter stains on the rim of my, you know, after I roll the window down.

I know. It's disgusting. I like to spitters. spit out the window sometimes. Stains. And then you look at the dust on the dashboard. Some people have like, just layers of dust up there. And you go, well, this person can't be very clean.

Why am I in this person's car? I'm probably going to catch some kind of bacterial infection. And then sometimes you get gunk on the steering wheel. And then the worst is the smokers when you see the ashtray. Oh. You see the ashtray and it's full of butts and the car stinks. Some people put the little air freshener thing and hang it down like that's going to eradicate 700 packs of marlboros. Hey, everybody.

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Don't throw your back out. So it's very telling, you know. And sometimes there's even more stuff. You know, like I have work stuff in the back. Sometimes I have my little briefcase with my laptop back there. Sometimes I have papers from auditions. I have artwork. when I've been drawing, I have directions, you know,

I've printed up directions to meetings. There's a lot you can find out from the paperwork. There's always a napkin somewhere. Very interesting. So the Harland Highway question of the day, and I'm not even going to get into seat covers and the stains on the seats, that's a whole different category.

That's like CSI stuff. But the question of the day, the Harlem Highway question of the day, can you figure out who a person is by the inside of their car? The Harlan Highway, question of the day. The Harland Highway, question of the day. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Rice, a rummy, the San Francisco, your tree. All right, enough stalling. Let's just get it out of the way.

You know I've been hiding at the whole show. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. My voice. Do you hear it? Do you hear the flu voice? Do you hear the nasal flu cough, sneezing hay fever, SARS voice that I have? I know.

It's horrible. And I'm not really sick. I actually went to the doctor today because I've been coughing a lot. And I was like, you know, I got to go see him. And I had to make sure it wasn't like a virus or anything like that. And fortunately, I checked out. He goes, it's just all related to allergies. You know, he looked down my throat with the popsicle stick and made me say,

uh, does that seem a bit archaic to you, that whole practical? You know, given Obamacare and the radiation machines we have and x-rays and, you know, leukemia machines and, you know, cardiac arrest defibrillators and laser surgery, all this modern stuff. And your doctor still goes, I'm going to stick this piece of wood down your throat and just say, I don't know. It seems like something you'd see at Pioneer Village or something. What the hell is that doing in modern-day medicine? I mean, you go into your doctor's offices, all these equipment, all these things to monitor your heart,

your pulse and check your blood pressure. Look down in your ears with a machine, up your nose, into your eyes. and then they pull out like a, you know, someone had a popsicle or a funchicle in there or a creamsicle and left a popsicle stick laying around, a jumbo one,

and old Doc McStuffins there. Okay, Harland, we need to determine why you've been sick for over a month. Now, this is an important test. Are you ready for this? I'm not sure if your insurance will cover this, but this is a big test. I guess so, Doc. Okay, open your mouth, stick your tongue out, and go,

uh, but I'm going to shove a popsicle stick down there. Oh, but made of wood. It's a little odd, but this is what the guy did. My doctor looked down my throat, and, you know, these guys can pick stuff off. He was able to determine, you know, nothing was viral or, bacterial. He goes, yeah, it's your allergies. He goes, you have allergies? I say, yeah, I get them all the time. He goes, that's, that's what it is. It's kicking up. Your throat's irritated. It's causing you to cough. And there you go. But now I'm stuck with this voice.

Do you hear it? You can hear it right from the beginning of the show. I try not to draw attention to it. And not like an idiot, I do a whole segment on it. What am I? What am I the kid in high school who doesn't want anyone to see his zits and goes hey everybody look i got pus-filled zits on my face would all you guys from the football team come over here and pick on me please because i got zit face i don't know why i'm telling you but i am so i'm the idiot telling you that i got you know nasal hay fever voice and we all get it too you know even the girls. Even the girls sound exactly like me right now. They can't hide it. And part of me wonders is, is this a sexier voice for me? Is this, is this a cooler voice?

Does this bring my, my decibels down a few meters or whatever the terminology is? Does this like lower my register? Does this make me more cool, like Snake Bliskin from like, escape from New York? Call me Snake. Yeah? Do I sound that cool? Like Snake Pliskin? Do I, do I? Find the president.

Bring him out in 24 hours. And you're a free man. 24 hours, huh? I'm making you an author. Bullshit. Straight, just like I said. I'll think about it. No time.

Give me an answer. Get a new president. We're still at war, Pliskin. You need him alive. I don't give a fuck about your war. Or your president. Or your president. Do I sound anything like?

snake bliskin when i've got no i know i'm like flu bliskin i'm like mucinex bliskin i'm like sars bliskin over here i'm like mucus crusted on my lips in the morning bliskin i'm like snake blistex is what i am oh god so i i hope you guys are okay tolerating my my sick voice, but hopefully, you know, I'll ride it through the weekend, I'll get better, and I'll just sound like golden and crisp, like, not like Snake Bliskin, but like good old-fashioned. Oh, Charles, oh, Nelson Riley. Now, Charles, oh, oh.

All right. I want to end today's show in a very unusual way. It's a little bit science geeky, but I think it's something that might be bothering all of us. Have you been watching the news and reading newspapers and being online? All we're hearing about is El Niño is coming. El Niño. It sounds like a Mexican drug lord is coming. But what it is, it's this crazy weather system that happens, you know, every 12 years or whatever it is. and it affects the whole planet and I keep hearing it

and I'm always wondering what the hell it is and what it does and for the first time ever on the Harland Highway here I'm going to end the show with a little bit of geeky weather news information so once and for all

we can all understand what the hell an El Niño is because it's definitely not a Mexican drug dog lord so here i'm going to play a little clip it's about three four minutes long and it tells you what it is what it does where it comes from it clears up the whole thing about al nino and so that when it hits us this winter you'll be all ready for al nino and when your friends say what is happening what is this el nino thingy what is this el nino business what's this el nino business

Does that, can anybody tell me? And you're going to go, well, as a matter of fact, I listen to a podcast called the Harlan Highway, which 99.9% of the time is completely retarded. But I did learn what the El Nino is. So everybody gather around, buy me drinks, and here we go. What is an El Mino? If you can remember 1997-98, you probably remember the media storm surrounding that year's El Niño. People talked about it all the time.

It was huge weather news, mainly because it was the strongest El Niño in decades, and there were a bunch in a row, which is really rare. The name El Nino traces back to the 1600s when the fishermen off the coast of Peru noticed warmer water usually appeared around Christmas time. They named it El Nino, which means little boy or Christchild in Spanish. How that water got there, however, is kind of crazy. In a normal year, the trade winds blow from east to west, blowing the warm surface water on the Pacific Ocean with it. These winds create a kind of hill of warm water on the Asian coasts. That leaves the deeper, colder water to backfill on the west coast of the Americas.

Basically, the temperatures of the ocean and the atmosphere around the east-central equatorial Pacific have a huge impact on weather patterns around the world. But sometimes these temperatures fluctuate. fluctuate in a cycle known as the El Nino Southern Oscillation, or Enzo. In an El Nino year, for some reason, the trade winds are super weak, so they're not pulling that warm water over to Asia like normal. Because of the warmer Americas, the trade winds weaken even more, causing the ocean to warm even more.

That oscillation continues, causing wetter winters over the southeastern United States, and drier weather in Indonesia and Australia. It also increases hurricanes in the Pacific and lessens those in the Atlantic. La Niinas are the opposite of El Niño. The trade winds get really strong. You get the colder waters in the Pacific. Guys, this is a lot. It's a house of cards.

When one thing changes, this whole weather system goes nuts. These enzo events cause lots of problems with flooding, cyclones, food production, snowfall, and so on. I mean, the water raining down on the Americas has to come from somewhere, right? Thus, Australia will likely see a terrible drought this year, and India will probably have a lessened monsoon season, less food production for both countries while America gets a wetter winter.

This is not good, and these enzo systems can go on for more than a year. The link between global warming and increased enzo levels is still being checked out, but a study in nature climate change says that global climate change is going to cause more of these events, and they will be stronger. I've seen questions on why we haven't invented weather-controlling technology yet. This is why. We just started to understand how this whole process works like 30 years ago. The events happen as part of the natural interaction of water and water

wind in the Pacific Ocean, and thus can be monitored and predicted so governments can prepare. The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration used to maintain 70 buoys strategically placed around the oceans. I say used to, because thanks to recent budgetary limitations, they can no longer afford to maintain them. Therefore, NOAA's network of oceanographic weather information is breaking down, so there's that. It might not be long until El Niño catches us by surprise, and that would be bad. So before you ask, no, we cannot control the weather.

To do that, we'd need to control ocean temperatures. And due to the amount of water in the ocean, we would need to harness all of the energy created in exploding 400,000 20 megaton hydrogen bombs and channel it into heat. If we could do that, we could heat up the Pacific by choice. But then we'd have to cool it down again too. So seriously, don't get your hoax up on that.

So what is an El Nino? Basically, it is a cycle of warming and cooling that affects the weather of the whole planet. It's nature, bro. So there you go. El Nino's just nature, bro. I love the way that they named it after a little boy or a Christ child. That's like, you know, that's a pretty tough little boy that, you know, flooded my whole street, made my house slide down the hill.

Thank you, Christ, thank you, oh, sweet Christ child, for making my van slide down a mountain on a river of mud. Thank you, oh, Christchild, little boy, Christchild, for letting me watch my neighbors wash away down the street in one of your El Nino floods. So anyways, like I said, odd way to end the show, but I hope that, you know, finally clears up all your El Nino questions because you're going to be saturated in it in just a few months.

It's going to be right at your doorstep. going to be in your soggy backyard. You're going to be wondering why it's such a crappy, rainy fall in winter. And there it is right there. It's nature, bro. Oh, hello, it's El Nino is nature, bra. So there you go. I'll leave it right there.

A little science shoved down your gullet here on the Harland Highway. And if you want to get away from the science, and you want to get back into, you know, the comedy. Well, then I suggest you get your sweet ass to the comedy works. Tomorrow night in Denver, Colorado. That's right. The comedy works in Denver, Colorado. I will be there live.

What a great club. What a great city. I'll be there live Friday, October 23rd, Saturday, the 24th. Two nights only. It usually sells out pretty quick. So please get your tickets. You can go to my website, Harlandwiliams.com, and you will be taken straight to the link for the Denver, Colorado Comedy Works, Comedy Club.

Great food, great comedy. It's going to be a blast, man. So I hope I see you out there while you're at the website. Check out the store. You can order all kinds of goods from the web store. you can do all kinds of things at the website. You can write me on the contact link, or you can call me and leave a message on my voicemail.

323-739-43-33-3-3-3-3-3-739-433. The number is on the website, so you can go there and check it out. And please give me your feedback on last week's show. We played my new podcast, Let's Have a Fight. and I'd love to hear what you guys thought of it. And if you like it, please sign up for the premium membership at the Harland Highway app available in your app store

on Google, Android, or iTunes, Apple. Future episodes of Let's Have a Fight will be exclusive to premium members which pay like a 20 year, $20. a year for that podcast and all the archived podcast that I've done almost 700 plus a lot of other bonus stuff. So check it out the Harland Highway app. But call me or write me and let me know what you thought of the new podcast. Let's have a fight.

And that's it, man. There's no more fight left in me. I hope you had a good time here today. go clean up your car, put on the radio, listen to some police music. And until next time, chicken, chameen, baby.