The Harland Highway - 709 - The HALLOWEEN SHOW - Freddy Kruger, Michael Jackson, and more!

Episode Date: October 26, 2015

It's the scaaarrryyyy Halloween episode with a live interview with superstar fear king, Freddy Kruger. Michael Jackson drops by to scare us too! Also, scary underpants stories and a woman who smells dead people, arooouwwwwww HAPPY HALLOWEEN JELLY BEAN! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, oh boy, ladies and gentlemen. Let me get it out of the way. Little teen wolf. Get the teen. Yeah, that's right. It's Halloween. Ooh, scary. Scary stuff.

Today, we have a scary, scary show. Let me just tell you this. Our special guest, we've got an exclusive interview with Freddie Kruger from the Nightmare and Elm Street movies. Those are coming up later on. And all kinds of crazy, scary stuff today. We're going to be talking about a scary lady. We have a crazy news story, a crazy lady that can do something with people that dead people and stuff, something.

I won't even tell you. I'm going to talk to you about something kind of weird and silly and funny that happens with your underwear. Yikes. Yeah, I got a little weird underwear story. and I have a feeling you guys have been involved in this underwear story. And then I've heard rumor that Michael Jackson might be stopping by because it's Halloween and this is kind of a Halloween show and he always seems to come in with his thriller song.

I don't know what he, I hope he doesn't show up, okay? But Freddie Kruger, Michael Jackson, I see dead people underwear. I mean, this is as scary as it gets. Here we go. This is the Harlan. Highway Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to introduce

The Harland Highway I promise you I will please you all believe me What is he like What's it like Anyway Oh

He's an angel He's an angel Stop from nothing You're gonna need a bigger You're listening to Harlan Williams Why don't you give me a name And a face And a reason why

Your Man What do you expect The guy that's jiggle-all man It's over, Jenny. It's over. Nothing is over! You just don't turn it off. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. Weird. Just plain weird. You know what I mean? I'm still alive. I'll tell you what I won't give you, you muckers. I won't give you the satisfaction of saying that I'm sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway.

Oh, you get your money's worth. Believe me. Oh boy Here we go It's that time of year again gang It's Halloween Oh my goodness It's Halloween

So Very frightened scared And alone I love this time of year I loves me some Halloween player I loves me some scary

movies that loves me the smell of fall in the air I loves the leaves be blowing around the streets and all that shit all up in my business I don't know why I'm talking like this but I am um hey welcome to the show um are you excited for Halloween are you going out for Halloween do you have a costume for Halloween? that's always the hardest part isn't it coming up with the costume i love it though it's so random i was walking around uh just yesterday and it was just around uh you know evening and it's so funny the collection of of characters you see um basically i was walking past this apartment building and this group of people came out the front door.

One was dressed up from head to toe as the Michelin Man. With them was one of the big green, globy, gloomy, blob ghosts from Ghostbusters. One with the big buck teeth and the, you know, the big fat kind of round, glowing green one. And then the other person with them in have the full costume on, they just had a rubber mask over their head of Ronald Ray. And the real kicker, the real piaast of resistance is they had a leash and they're walking a chihuahua. So that's the beauty of Halloween, man. I saw the Michelin Man, a Ghostbuster Ghost, and Ronald Reagan walking a Chihuahua.

And that's what makes Halloween so fun, man. So I don't know what I'm going to do this year. I mean, the last two years I've gone out for Halloween, I told you I went to like this retro 80s club, and it was just like a David Lynch, something out of a David Lynch movie. It was just bizarre and twisted, and we were all like inebriated. And it was like being in a twisted bizarre indie movie. So I don't know what I'm doing yet this year.

Hopefully I'll know by the next podcast I can fill you in on what my plans are. but I'm very excited. Great time a year. It's just another one of those weird human holidays we create. We celebrate the dead. And I also feel like we celebrate candy, which is kind of the gateway to being dead, right? We give these kids all this sugar and caramel and crap.

And we wonder why it's called, you know, the Day of the Dead because, you know, basically we start the kids on this pattern. pathway to death as they're eating the worst possible crap their bodies can ingest until by the time they hit 75 they're twitching on the floor having a nervous stroke so it's like a full circle holiday like a big round pumpkin so we're going to dedicate much of this show to Halloween later in the show we've got an exclusive scoop oh my god I'm going to be actually interviewing the one the only Freddie Kruger, the famous guy from the movies. It's going to be, I've just got so many amazing questions I want to ask them.

So we won't be doing the whole show on Halloween, but we'll be dipping in and out of it to keep you prepped for the big event. But I'm speaking of death, and since we're on the theme of death and the, you know, the Day of the Dead theme, Let's do a wacky news story Because you are not going to believe this one Which actually deals with death Play the theme, Raj

The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird Wow That's strange stuff Okay I think this This can be considered scary This is apropos for Halloween

How would you feel if someone you knew or if you had the ability to sniff people you know sniff and just by sniffing them determined that they had a lethal

fatal life-altering disease oh my god you're probably going oh that's impossible Harland what are you crazy people can't sniff diseases what's the matter with you why do you say these

things what you who gave you your license even talking to a microphone who are you well if you don't believe me listen to this news story it is it's kind of freaky listen a woman in perth scotland says she can smell parkinson's disease meet joy mill her husband died of parkinson's in june he lived with the disease for 20 years and in that time span she noticed something i recognized a change in his smell. It's quite a musky spell. Of course, scientists were intrigued, so they conducted a study to see just how legitimate Milne's theory of smelling Parkinson's was. Turns out it was pretty legitimate. Researchers recruited six people with the disease and six without. They had the participants wear t-shirts for

a day, then bag them. Milne smelled each bag and identified 11 out of 12 correctly as either a person with Parkinson's or one without. And the one person researchers thought Milne misidentified as having the disease actually ended up being diagnosed with Parkinson's months later. So how is this possible? Well, doctors believe changes in the skin of people with Parkinson's might produce a particular odor. Researchers are trying to develop a new way to test for the disease as a result. The Scotland director of Parkinson's UK told the BBC that currently the disease is very hard to diagnose because doctors simply observe people and their symptoms. But a diagnosis

A diagnostic test like this could enable people to go in and see a consultant, have a simple swab test, and come out with a clear diagnosis. Um, yuck. Hello? Wow. How would you like to be that lady? That's almost like to remember that movie, I see dead people. She walks around going, I smell dead people. Oh, do I smell them.

oh there's about five or ten in this very walmart right now there's that big fat lady over there there notice that big fat guy over there and there's that stupid looking idiot with the helmet I mean good lord she's like a human bloodhound I don't know if I'd want to hang around with a person can imagine you're at a party you're at a social event

you're hobnobbing and you're just standing there chatting and somebody notices the cologne you're wearing they're like oh harland that's wonderful aftershave what is that what is that oh well it's Calvin Klein after shave oh let me have a sniff do you mind no go ahead oh christ you're going to be dead in three weeks excuse me you heard me you've got leukemia oh hold on holy christ you got about a five pound tumor in your abdomen too oh christ you got cancer in your legs no no this is calvin klein after shave no no it's not lad no holy shit oh holy christ you got ovarian cancer well i don't even have ovaries i'm i'm a man

oh i know that smell anywhere that's the stink of ovarian cancer oh your colon's not smelling do you mind if you pull down your pants a wee bit and i can put my nose right up there and would you get out of my ass hold on oh boy that's rank oh that's rank you've got colon cancer how about i just farted how about that scottie oh i can smell that too that actually smells good next to the colon can't answer. You'll probably be dead by the morning. Wait a minute. Christ, are you sure you're not a zombie? Oh, Christ, I just got a whiff of Lou Gehrig's disease. It's all over your neck and even your armpits. You might as well be on the Walking Dead. You're just a whole stink bag of death. Get the hell away from me. But I must say, I also smell the Calvin

Klein. Very nice, very attractive. Are you single? Get away. Holy God. That would just be a curse. I like how they say too. She's like, I noticed as he got older, he started smelling musky. Well, excuse me, don't all old people start to smell musky? Have you ever been in an old person's house? It smells like a drawer full of old socks. I mean, you, That wave of oldness hits you the minute you walk through the door, man. It smells like a sweater's been down someone's pants for a few weeks. Oh, I guess grandma's here again. And why am I talking like this?

It's almost like I should be saying, ooh, you smell like donkey. Oh, I can smell. Ooh, you smell like donkey. Suddenly I'm turning into Shrek over here. What the hell's going on with me? Maybe I've got Shrek. Ooh, I smell it. I've got Shrek on me. Ooh, it's in my blood.

Oh, I've got Shrek, don't care. All right, this is just turning ridiculous. Oh, oh, who's there? Hold on, there's someone at my door. I'm in the middle of a bit. Excuse me. Hello? Oh, God.

Hi. Special. No, not you. Oh, no, turn the music off. What are you doing here, Michael Jackson? It's close to me. Roger, turn the music off. Something evil's lurking from the door.

What are you doing here? Hi, it's me, Michael Jackson. We know who it is, Jacko. Oh, God. What are you doing here in my studio? It's Halloween time. It's special. Oh, here we go.

Everything's going to be special, isn't it? Special. What do you want? here. It's my song, Thriller. By Halloween.

It's my special song. It's not your special song. It's scary. Okay, there's werewolves and zombies. Dancing. What? Dancing zombies.

Okay, dancing zombies. Scary. Scary as zombies of all. Dancing, special. Dancing. I can't say I would agree with you that dancing zombies are scary. Coriographed zombies are scary and they're special. You know, just you say, you know, maybe I thought your video was a little scary,

but you just sang choreographed zombies just took all the wind out of the sails. Special? What is special? Tori Gras Zombies are scary And that makes them Special It does not make them special

In fact I think you might have just made them less scary Special Stop saying special Special Don't yell Is that why you're here Because it's my Halloween show and you wanted to play thriller You said today was

a special show and so I wanted to bring my special music. Stop raising your voice even though it's high pitched enough. I like Halloween. Can I say something special?

Yes, Michael Jackson, you can say something special. What is it? Trick or treat smell my special faith. Trick or treat, smell my special feet. Because I won awards for my dancing. You won some awards for your dancing.

Moonwalking? Yes, moonwalking. Sliding? Sliding, okay. Twisting? Twisting, yes. And sometimes I'd go right up on my toes like a ballerino. Okay. And people said my dancing was special. So you got special dancing. And I did my special dancing in Thriller. Okay. And so now I'm scaring everyone listening. Special?

Hey, he. Stop giggling. Nobody's scared. Can you go, please? Special? Get out. I didn't say what I was going to say, though. Say what you want to say

Chicken treat I know smell my special feet I wanted to say it You wanted to say what I wanted to say smell my special feet You want to say smell my special feet Yes And then will you leave

Yes Will you moonwalk your ass out of here? Yes. Okay, then say it. Okay. Trick or chain. Smell my special feet. Get out.

Don't put the music back on. Get them out. Moonwalk out of here. Roger, put the music on and moonwalk him out of here. Moonwalk with my special feet. Get him out! There he goes. Moonwalk your ass out of here, Jacko.

Because I'm special. Special, special. Stop singing. Special! You're the thriller. Oh, I'm special. Special. Get out.

Slam the door. Get him out. Turn the music off. Special! Good Lord. Roger. Just about had it. That guy is probably the most...

That guy gives Campfire Timmy a run for his money. I'll tell you that much. If he thought that was supposed to be scary, that was probably the most unscary Halloween thing I've ever heard in my life. A guy jumping around in a red leather jacket with penny loafers on and white socks. and uh jerry curl in his hair that's supposed to scare me jerry curl and red leather pants and penny loafers

gee i'm trembling in my boots over here good lord let's just i'm moving on god let's move on to something that i don't know if this is scary it's more kind of and I don't know this is a weird thing I don't know if this happens to girls or just to boys but it happened to me recently and it's not the first time it's happened and it's the dumbest one of the dumbest things I think I've ever done and I'm pretty sure most of you guys have done it it's kind of hilarious when I think about it it's dumb but hilarious and I think the girls probably do it but maybe not as much it's got to do with your underwear and the reason maybe it probably happens to girls but girls usually have tiny underwear they got the thongs and stuff like that right um but the guys usually have the briefs or you know

the male male underwear is a lot bigger than girls underwear so here's what happens sometimes you know guys are pretty slobby you know when we're wearing our jeans around the house at night when we uh you know when we go to uh jump into bed we'll just drop our jeans on the bathroom floor, the bedroom floor, we'll drop our underpants with them. Or sometimes you're changing into your PJs or whatever you're doing. Maybe you're changing into your track pants to go to the gym. Or maybe you're just changing or whatever. And you're going to wear the same stuff, the same jeans the next day.

Because most guys, you know, wear their jeans a few days in a row before they wash them. Why wouldn't you? And this has happened to me a few times. I don't realize that I've left my underwear sitting in my jeans. Because most guys change their underwear. They like to keep their underwear fresh, but they don't necessarily have to change their jeans. And so what's happened to me on a few occasions is I'll throw on,

you know, I'll wake up in the morning. I'm a little groggy or whatever. I'm rushing to go out somewhere at night in the evening. and I throw on my jeans and I start walking around or I get somewhere and all of a sudden I kind of feel like my jeans feel a little tight but only on one leg like my right leg or my left leg feels a little tight and I'm like, God, am I putting on weight? Why are these jeans so tight?

And then I look down, I realize I've got like kind of a lump. It's got a lump in my leg. There it is. It's that cancer that I was telling you about. It's that giant tumult. I told you you got cancer in your legs. Shut up. It's not that. The lump in my leg is when I threw my jeans on, when I was rushing around, I forgot that my old pair of underpants, the dirty ones, were still sitting in the crotch of my jeans.

And when I pulled my jeans on, my old underpants were still there and went down the leg. And so now I'm walking around with my fresh undies on. I've got my jeans done up, my belt. I've got my shoes on. I'm walking around. And all of a sudden I start to feel like something sliding around on my leg and slowly sliding down my leg. And I'm like, what have I got? Is there a rat in my pants?

What the hell's climbing around? Something's climbing down my leg. And then you touch it and it's all soft and you go, wait, what the hell? And then you go, oh, my God. I got a pair of undisputting. underwear on my leg. Have you done that, dudes? Please tell me I'm not the only walking, living moron that's done that.

Please. And it's kind of funny. Like at first I think, what an idiot I am. And then I start laughing because, you know, it just kind of, the gravity pulls them down your leg very slowly. I've even had instances where I'm walking and I see the damn thing. coming out by my shoe, coming out the bottom of my pants. I'm like, what the hell is that? Are my socks coming off?

What the hell, Calvin Klein? Why is there a fly on that? Oh, my God, it's my underpants. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse.

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It's kind of funny. I can't remember if I've ever made it to like a restaurant or out to the movies or to the mall. I'm not sure if I've made it out into the streets with the old, let's call it underpant leg. But I have been guilty of walking around the house and I'm almost sure I've probably gotten out into the streets, into the car somewhere. Because you really don't detect it until they start moving. And so I wondered if the girls ever do that, because girls are a lot, you know, well, I shouldn't say they're neater. I know a lot of girls who are just grapeing slabs. But I think girls maybe, do they account for their undergarments more than men do? I don't know.

I mean, God knows enough of the ladies have left their underpants at my house. Yeah, right. You wish, Williams. so I want to know if any of you ladies or dudes have been to have you have any of you have suffered from underpant leg let me know man call me call me a 323 739 4330 3230 3239 4330 and let me know if you've ever experienced underpant leg

And we're going to cut away to a commercial real quick here. And when we come back, ladies and gentlemen, our exclusive scary Halloween interview with the one, the only, Freddie Kruger. Oh, my God. We'll be right back. Rod, hit the commercial. May I have a better movie tonight, huh?

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Is he on the line, Raj? Okay, let's patch him through. Ladies and gentlemen, without further delay, our very special Halloween guest for the Harland Highway Halloween podcast. You know him from all his incredible horror movies. He's terrified all of us in our dreams and our nightmares, even when we're awake. I love this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, Freddie Kruger.

Hello, Freddy. Are you there, sir? Hello. Hello, Mr. Kruger. Yes, sir. Welcome to the Harland Highway. Thank you. It's great to be here.

Wow. I don't even know where to start. There's such a delight. Everyone loves Halloween. We got you on the show. show um why don't i just start with the obvious um tell us tell us uh about about the movie franchise the freddie the freddie kruger nightmare on elm street uh franchise sir okay what do you want to know um well tell us uh do you enjoy do you enjoy uh doing that yeah it's a living um okay and

how many of you done by the way i don't know what the three four five, six. I don't know. Anything else? Uh, well, yes. Uh, well, I'm waiting. Uh, yes, sir, I, I just, you caught me off. You sound a little anxious. Are, are you going somewhere? Why, why do you need to know? Well, you just sound a little irritable. Yeah, I'm going to dinner tonight, all right? I got some pussy lined up. Now, can we move this along? Oh, okay, tell us about. about the makeup, the makeup process. I mean, your horrific face, the, the burns.

How does that, how did that look evolve? They're not burns. Sorry? I said, they're not burns. They're not burns. Well, it looks like your face is all burned, Freddie. It's not burns. I had a, let's just say, had a cosmetic procedure down in Beverly Hills.

You had cosmetic surgery down in Beverly Hills? else to burn your face? I told you they're not burns. It's a lift. I don't think we understand. What do you mean? So that that wrinkled up look on your face, the pink-enflamed

wrinkled up look, isn't burns? It looks like acid burns. You're all wrinkly? I told you it's not burns. I had a nip and tuck. I had a lift. Well, I'm not sure what we were following you had a lift.

All right. Have you ever looked at your own? ball sack uh excuse me freddie your ball sack idiot take a look if you haven't seen it open your fire right now and you look at your balls okay i'm not gonna do that well i think you know what they look like well yeah they're all wrinkly and they're all like pink and wrinkly uh hello bingo what what are you saying i told you i had a lift did you have like cotton in your ears or something Well, I'm not sure I understand you. You had a facelift?

I had a ball lift, you moron. What are you talking about? My wrinkled up face is ball meat. What? It's scrotum meat, all right? I had my balls stretched up over my face and pinned to my face. It's a look. I'm in Hollywood.

I've got to make a living. You ever see how you got to stand out with you in Hollywood? Yes, you have to stand out. Well, how many actors in Hollywood do you know that had their ball sack stretched up over the face and sewed to the forehead? Wait a second. Are you telling me that's not burnt skin on your face, that you actually went into a Beverly Hills cosmetic surgery place? Yeah, it wasn't cheap, all right? Eight thousand bucks for eight for each ball. what are you 8,000 bucks yeah so for all you bitches out there

that have complained about your bull jobs for 5 grand I 8 grand a piece that's 19 grand to have my ball sack meat stretched up over my face just so I can make a living doing these goddamn movies you've got to be kidding me

that's nut meat on your face yeah you got a problem with that no but I mean that's who would do that. That's ridiculous. How big's your house, asshole? What's that supposed to mean? I've made quite a good living with ball meat

on my face. I bet my house is twice the size of your piece of shit. You know, you sound very aggressive, sir. Yeah, well, I should be. I got nut meat on my face, and I'm Freddie fucking Kruger. I got fucking Swiss chalet chicken knives on my

fingers. Wow, you know, I thought maybe this was just an act. Maybe you you know, you had some makeup on or something, but yeah, right. I just told you. Can you get the fucking cotton out of here? I had my nut bag, okay?

You know how you're nut? It's like I teabagged my own face. Okay? I go into the place at Beverly Hills, Dr. Whatcha McCallit, grabs my nut bag, cuts it right at the back by the scrotum, stretches it up over my,

face, shows it on, I got nutbag face, suddenly I'm a fucking movie star, and I'm in horror movies, I'm Freddy Frucking Kruger. Is this interview over yet? I think it is, sir. You're not the most pleasant, man. I'm teabagging my own face right now. How pleasant would you be, asshole? All right, hang up on him, Roger. Up yours. I'm going to come teabagg your face. Hang up on him. Suck my ball face, you freak.

Hang up on him. Holy God that might have been the worst interview I've ever done that guy was an asshole is he gone Jesus hang up turn the damn music off

you know we put that music on special for him what a letdown god it sounded like a real chip on his show there. Well, at least we got Freddy Kruger for our Halloween episode, gang. I hope you enjoyed it. I don't know how much I did. Can't believe what the guy did.

I always thought that was just like prosthetic makeup. But no, this guy goes method actor and gets his nut meat pulled over his face. Cut little eye holes for his eyes and his mouth. And Jesus. Doesn't get much scarier than that, does it? I'm going to leave it there I'm going to let's let's leave the show right there on a scary scary visual

um and uh well you well we're here let's do a few announcements uh check out harlem williams dot com uh i don't have any more live comedy gigs for the rest of the year oh my god so sad well that's not true i have one inventura Ventura, California, this Wednesday, okay?

This Wednesday night, October the 28th. Check my Twitter account. It's called the China Inn or something like that. It's a one-night-only stand-up comedy gig. Just go on Google, and it's the first time I've done it, so I don't have a ton of information, but it's kind of a Halloween-themed show. So if you dress up for Halloween, you can hit this show.

If you join my Twitter account at Harland Williams, and you'll see a bunch of postings for this show. We're going to be tweeting, tweeting it out. So it's just north of L.A. in Ventura County, Ventura, California. One night, only Wednesday night at 8 o'clock, October 12. 28th and just two nights from now. Also, while you're at the website, harlo-williams.com, check out our store. We have all kinds of fun gifts and clothing and music and movies and books,

all kinds of stuff for you to purchase, have fun with. We'll ship it out to you. Again, I want to hear about your underpant leg stories. So please call me. Leave me a message 323-739, 43330. That's 323-739-43330. The number is on the website if you didn't get a chance to write it down just now. You can also write us at the website at harlandwilliams.com.

There is a contact link where you can just write me an email if you want if you don't feel like phoning. And by all means, get the free app. The Harland Highway app is now available on your cell phone. Just go into your app store and type in the Harland Highway. And all the episodes up to the last, the latest 50 episodes are free. And then now we're starting to charge for the archived episodes, which is almost like, almost 700. And also there's a special membership for $20 a year. You can become a premium member and get all kinds of special content.

Special! Shut up! get all kinds of special content that you won't get anywhere else, including my other podcast, which we sampled just recently. I think it was in the last two episodes called Let's Have a Fight. Really fun podcast where two comedians and a mediator just go at it and have a bunch of fights, verbal fights, and it's a ton of fun. Plus you'll get clips from my live stand-up and special interviews.

So really worth your while for 20 bucks a year, which is, you know, two Big Macs and some fries, you get all this extra stuff as a premium member. Plus, to be honest, you help out and support the Harland Highway podcast. So it's all good around I win, you win. We all get something and we all give something. and I appreciate in advance for those of you that have taken the time to join the premium membership. It's going to be a lot of fun. So be sure you do that and be sure you have a safe Halloween, everybody. Be careful out there.

A lot of people statistically, not to be a Debbie Downer, but a lot of people get hit by cars and have street accidents on Halloween. There's a big spike in that. And it's no wonder there's a lot of running around and obscured vision from your wacky costume. So just be safe. Be careful. Watch out for people that have been drinking, that have been out partying at the Halloween parties. Just be on your guard.

I want you to have a safe and happy Halloween. Have a ton of fun. And like I said, next podcast, hopefully I'll be able to tell you what my Halloween plans will be. But in the meantime, we'll leave it right. there. Hope you had a great time. Our thanks to Freddie Kruger, sort of, coming on the show. And until next time, everybody, a big, scary chicken. Chalman, baby. Could I ask you something? What? You know I like you, don't you? Yes. And I hope you like me the way I like you.

Yes? I was wondering if you would be my girl. Oh, Michael. Now it's official. I have something I want to tell you. Yes, Michael. I'm not like other guys. Of course not. That's why I love you.

No, I mean I'm different. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I'm special. Thank you.