The Harland Highway - 710 - Senior Fuentes Halloween visit. The NEST. Underwear leg.

Episode Date: October 30, 2015

Senior Fuentes, Harland's gardener, stops by for an unwanted visit. Installing the NEST in your home. More underwear leg revelations. Halloween candy fav's. Pumpkin my lumpkin! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, welcome, everybody. Even though this isn't the Halloween show, that was last week. It's still about to be Halloween coming up this weekend. So, you know, I'm still in the scary Halloween mode. And we'll talk about Halloween a little bit today. We're going to talk about specifically my favorite type of Halloween candy. Do you have a favorite type of Halloween candy? There's a really weird one that I like.

And I kind of only eat it at this time of year. So I'm going to talk about that. Also, in keeping with the Halloween tradition, I guess my gardener, Senor Fentes, he kind of every year sets up my house. He puts some decorations around. And I guess he's going to drop by or phone me. I don't want him to drop by.

Roger, don't let him drop by. Just have him phone me when it's all done. Sorry, I almost stepped in it. hate it when he drops by. So he won't be dropping by. He'll be phoning in, Senor Fuentes. Roger, you hear that? Don't let him drop by.

Also, we're going to be following up on a little thing I did the other week. The question of the day, have you ever put your underpants in your leg when you're getting dressed? Wait, do you hear some of the calls I got on that? And also, I turned into a heating and air conditioning security guy. Way do you hear this on the Harland Highway? Where are I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it?

The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello?

Hello? Hey, Mr. Waffle Eyes. I just want to let you know that we got that guy right down here. That Seymour Salamander flapjack pay? Hey Wacker guy. Yeah, he's really been swimming in his circles ever since he lost that package of bubble gum. Yep, I keep telling him to go down to the federal screen chamber, you know. The one that looks just like my Ann Bertha's liquorish, Rolls-Royce, hand-warming, eggplant, Calhoun.

Well, I guess I'll leave it as that for now. You know, you know, you know where to find me. I mean, you know, right down by the water pipe, right next to that fertile rhubarb extinguisher, you know. The one that talks just like my lawnmower. Yep. We like to call him Cowboy Cabinet Maker, because he likes to make balloons that whistle the theme song to Mr. Wisdom, too. All right, buddy. Just remember to leave the Pineapple 100 vacuum box right next to the Lazzania Mobile, and I'll be home before the buzz saws even get a chance to register their votes. See you later.

Okay, great, great call. Thank you. I can't remember where you said to leave the Pineau. one hundred vacuum box. Leave the pineapple 100 vacuum box right next to the lasagna mobile. Okay, good, good, got it. And in case they just, if I need you for anything, I'm sorry, it was a long message. Where did you say you would be? You know, right down by the water pipe, right next to that fertile rhubarb extinguisher, you know? Okay, and then last question, I promise.

I'm sorry I didn't get it all. But did you say you had a name for your penis? We like to call him Cowboy Cabinmaker. Okay, great. All right, well, thanks for the call. I'm going to get right on it, and great to hear from you. All right, buddy. Cool.

Well, I'm glad. It's really nice of you to call in. I love it when people call in, and we get some dialogue started. We strike up a conversation, and it's just a good springboard into a solid show. So thanks again to that caller. And if you want to leave me a message, 323-739-433-30, 3-2-3-739-433-30. And I know we did our Halloween show earlier in the week, but it's actually technically Halloween this Saturday.

And so, you know, maybe we can talk about it a bit more today a little bit. But I tried to do it early in the week so, you know, it could saturate into you throughout the whole week. But it doesn't mean we can't touch on it a bit. By the way, happy Halloween to all of you out there listening. I guess we can talk about maybe one of my favorite Halloween candies before we move on. Are you guys fans of this candy corn stuff? It's such an odd little candy.

It's shaped like a little triangle. It's like a little mini traffic cone. and it's almost the same color. They're usually like really bright orange or bright orange mixed with yellow or like a brownish kind of chocolatey color. And it's just a weird little candy. I usually only eat them around Halloween time

and they're called candy corns. And I don't know why. Maybe because they look like little niblets or something. I don't know, but they kind of have a unique taste over most candy. Like, they've got their own distinctive taste, and that's probably why I like them. But also, they're like, I don't have the ingredients in front of me, but they just look like raw sugar.

You know, they're like a little blasts of raw sugar with, with some coloring on them. But they're just an odd little Halloween candy that, you know, whenever I have them, it reminds me of Halloween. They kind of fit the time, you know, like cranberry. go with Christmas, and candy canes go with Christmas. It's like, for some reason, candy corns go with Halloween. And like I said, I don't know why that name, candy corn. To me, that's kind of just a funny name on top of everything else.

So there you go. A little touching on one of my favorite Halloween candies. I wonder if you have a fave that you like. But I want to switch gears now because this is, this was exciting to me, okay? How many of you can say you're in the heating and air conditioning game? How many of you can claim to be an electrician? Well, I can. And let me sum it up with one word, nest.

That's right, nest. Not a bird's nest. Okay, I'm not talking about like crows or robins or blue jays. there's a company out there called NEST. I don't know if you've heard of it, but they make kind of hardware to give you what they call term a smart home. And so they've invented this kind of iPhone-esque-like apparatus to install in your home. And the reason I say iPhone is because they've kind of taken the model of the iPhone,

and these things are kind of glossy and have glass covers and they're very sleek and they look very attractive and they're very easy to manipulate and they click and move and turn and you know much the same way you maneuver through an iPhone you maneuver through these uh these nest items and one of them is a thermostat okay and another one is a security camera and another one is a security camera and another one is a smoke detector, and I believe they have one that actually, like, works with your sprinkler system. So the reason why I'm gloating that I am, you know, some kind of a heating and air conditioner guy, you know, I might have to open my own company, Larry's heating and air conditioning, or Larry's security cam company. That's right. I installed these things myself, and that's part of the fun of the

Nest world is they really, they walk you through the installation process. And in my whole life, I never thought that I'd be able to rip my old crappy thermostat off the wall. You know the one where the buttons are all dirty and the light behind the display faded like five years ago and you can barely see what you're doing on your display panel because the lights kind of dimmed down to level two. So they kind of, they give you, there's a website where you can watch videos, but really you don't even need that.

There's a little booklet that comes with it. And basically they say, rip your old thermostat thing off the wall. Look at the wiring. Take a picture of the wiring with your phone. Go back to the website. You click on the website, all the little wires in a thermostat are labeled the like, R, W, G1, G3, F5, whatever the configuration is. And you look to see if your thermostat has those.

And then you go on the Nest website and they have a list and you click on their list. And if your numbers and letters match with their numbers and letters, they let you know if the Nest thermostat is compatible with your system that's already installed. And to my delight, my system was compatible. So I got the nest and I pulled the old cover off my thermostat and there were all the wires in there. I turned the power off for my AC and heating unit out at the breaker box. I went in with the little screwdriver they provided and I unplugged all the colored wires.

I threw my old thermostat cover in the garbage. I was so happy to see it go. I plugged in the little wires for my nest unit. I affixed the nest unit to the wall. It looks beautiful. It actually illuminates when you walk past it. It senses you and it lights up. And it's very space age and modern and easy to use.

And it attaches to your Wi-Fi. So basically, wherever you go in the world, you can jump on your cell phone and you just go on your Nest app and you can literally set the temperature in your house. You can turn on the heating, you can turn on the air conditioning, you can turn it off, you can set it to whatever temperature you want. So if it's like a super hot day and you're leaving work and you're like, oh God, it's boiling out when I get home,

I want it to be like, you know, 68 degrees in my house. You just click on your phone and, well, you're driving. home your home is cooling down waiting for you kind of like your wife no wait what um no that was wrong um so it's really really cool and fun and it you know it gives you a sense of pride at least it gave me a sense of pride to actually be able to go in and uh do the handiwork and not have to call some you know electrical company or heating an air conditioning company to come up here and You know, they charge you $80 just for walking in the door, let alone the $200 to do the work. So it's like I saved a crap ton of money.

And the nest is technologically advanced to the point where, like I said, you can program it so that it saves you money. And you can also, it also learns from you. It's a smart thermostat. So basically what it does is it monitors your habits. And when you're away, it can start to, like if you're a nine to fiver and you have, you know, you usually leave the house at eight in the morning and usually back by five, it follows these patterns and it learns and it starts to preset stuff for you if you allow it to. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% sent off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So it's kind of like the next evolution and thermostats. And I was a bit intimidated. It's like, oh no, you know, whenever you hook these things up, something always goes wrong.

But I got to tell you, it took me about maybe 20 minutes, half an hour to do it, and it was done. And then I did the other thing, we have a cottage, and I bought the NEST security camera. They have this little camera and you can mount it anywhere in your house and it's the same deal. You just kind of sit it down, turn it on, connect it to your Wi-Fi, you create your profile and your phone on the app, and you're ready to go. and it's amazing I you know the first day I had it I you know I left the cottage I set this thing up it's filming inside my cottage and what it does is it detects movement and notifies you if there's any movement so sure enough like the very next day I got a little notification on my cell phone we've detected movement in your in your cottage in the last 30 seconds so you can go into your phone

and watch a replay of what caused the movement. And sure enough, a fly was in the cottage, a house fly went right by the front of the camera lens. You can see it. And I was like, this is so freaking cool because the thing has night vision too. So even when you close up your home or turn out the lights or it's nighttime,

you can still see it's got the night vision. And so this was another thing I set up on my own via the nest system. So I don't have any endorsement deal with them. I got nothing to do with them. just thought it was kind of a cool thing i should share with you guys i think it's two or three hundred bucks for each of these pieces the camera and and the uh thermostat i think we're like somewhere between 200 and 300 bucks but you know well worth it considering you'll probably use them forever

and they make your life easier and they're designed to protect you and to uh save you money in the long run with your heating and cooling bills And, you know, you don't have to pay an expert to come and install it all, and suddenly you've got it all in your phone. How many of you can say right now that you can watch the inside of your house through your phone any time you want? And how many of you can say that you can go into your phone and control the temperature in your house any time you want?

I bet not a lot of you. So it's kind of a very cool thing, and it actually works. You're always like, oh, God, it's going to be complicated and messy and probably, no, like, I installed this stuff super fast and it all works so far. I've only had all this stuff in place for about three weeks, but it's pretty cool. Or you can call me, now that I've opened my own business, you know, Larry's heating and air conditioning and, you know, Larry's high-tech security co. You can call me, buy your nest stuff for 300, and I'll install it all for 600. How's that? Yeah, I'm going to make some money and start my own little nest egg.

Thank you very much. Well, I guess I'll leave it at that for now. You know, you know, you know where to find me. I mean, you know, right down by the water pipe, right next to that fertile rhubarb extinguisher, you know, the one that talks just like my lawnmower. Yep. Hello? Hello? Hey, Arlen, this is John in Atlanta.

I just listened to your Halloween episode. And, no, yeah, I think you're probably the only one has ever done that. So, yeah. But love your comedy, man. Keep at it. Now, when John says I'm the only one that does that, he's referring to the last podcast, the Halloween, episode where I was very candid with you

people. I opened up, I exposed myself to all of you to the world. I felt like a buffoon. I sounded like a moron and an idiot, which I am, by the way. And I asked everyone in the Harland Highway question of the day, if anyone

else had ever been dumb enough like me to step into their jeans or their pants and not realize that their old pair of underwear from yesterday were still in the pants and you accidentally put them on. And later on, you're walking around and you feel a pair of underwear in your leg. You have underwear leg. And they're sliding down your leg and they come out. And I was brave

enough, ladies and snurdle snoglins. I was brave enough to tell you that I, yours truly, was a type of idiot that has done that several times and was feeling shameful. And I asked you, out there if any of you had done it and if you'd be willing to share your story and expose yourself so that i didn't feel so empty alone and scared being the only one with underwear leg and john says nobody's done it he says it's only me and no yeah you're i think you're probably the only one has ever done that um yeah well let me tell you something john you may think i'm the only one that did it but I have a brave pavement pounder, a very brave pavement pounder that had the courage to come out of the shadows and stand strong with me, shoulder to shoulder.

And God bless them. Let me know that I'm not the only one, John. Johnny! Who has had underwear leg? Listen to this, John! Hey, Harlan, this is Brett in Louisiana. a underwear story when I was in high school I was running late for class and as I was crossing the street I felt something slide down my pants leg wasn't sure what it was I got across the street in

front of the schoolhouse pulled it out by my shoe and looked at it and it was some underwear that was bought up in my pants yes thank you underwear leg angels it was uh an experience glad I had my backpack with me. Tell me. Oh, Brent. Brent from Louisiana. Thank you. Thank you, my child.

Oh, thank you. Oh, you have no idea how good that makes me feel, Brent. You just saved my life on so many levels right there. John was saying I was the only idiot loser that did it, and I was believing him. I was thinking, okay, but then you came along and you, you not only had underwear leg you got on a bus and got all the way across town and got in front of your own school and the little underwear gopher peaked out from your leg it was like groundhog day

and as you said lucky you had your uh your little backpack with you you were able to stick your little undies in your backpack and uh hide hide your dark little underwear leg secret oh my god God, what do we all think about that? Yeah, he's really been swimming in his circles ever since he lost that package of bubblegum. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No, what are you doing here?

No, no. Oh, God. Senor Fuentes. Oh, come on, Roger. What is he doing here? What do you want, Senor Fuentes? Hello, senor. Hello.

What are you doing here? I'm doing a podcast. See, senor, I heard you were doing your Halloween podcast. That was last week. Yes, this is sort of a Halloween podcast. I thought you were supposed to be at my house putting around the decorations I asked you to do. Oh, yes, signor, I did.

Okay, and why are you here in my studio? I did the jack-o-lantern like you asked me to, senor. Why are you whispering? I must say, senor, I feel a little ashamed. What are you talking about ashamed? Well, you know, it's not often a man should do what you made me do, senor, but I'm hoping you throw me a little bonus money. What are you talking? I asked you to do the jacko lantern. See, senor, but I mean between us two men, that's something I normally do at home in the dark in my own bed.

What? What? The jackal lantern is a very private thing, signor. What are you talking about? I asked you to do the jackal lantern in front of the house. I did, signor. I was very uncomfortable. It took me an extra long time. Why did it take you so long? Well, because people kept walking by and I had to stop. Why would you have to stop doing the jacko lantern? just because people are walking by.

I didn't want to get in trouble with the police, signor. Why would you... What is the matter with you? It's not what's the matter with me, senor. I think it's something that you might be a little off with asking a full-grown man to jackal lantern in front of his house. This is something people do ever... We've been doing this for almost centuries here.

I asked you to put the jackal lantern in front of my house. See, seigneur, but all over your lantern? What do you mean all over my lantern? Well, senor, you told me to Jack O. Lantern. I know what you meant. Excuse me? Jack O. Lantern, I did what you said. I got it all over your leg, your outside light. What about my outside light? The light hanging out just outside your front door. I did it.

You did what? I jack-o All over the lantern. What? I'm not following here. Well, senor, we're both grown men, see? Yes.

Okay, well, I think, you know, every grown man as, you know, if I can whisper again, senor. Jacko, we all know what jack-o means. What are you talking about, Fuentes? Oh, senor, don't make me spell it out. Would you spell it out? You're wasting my time. I'm doing a show. Okay, senor, see if this rings a bell.

Why are you pulling your cheeks with your mouth? I told you, senor, it's a clue. Stop, but that sounds horrible. Does it sound like jack? Oh, senor? Wait a minute. Uh-huh, that's right, signor. Wait a minute, Fuentes. What, Signor?

Are you telling me that... Oh my God. What, Signor? I just did what you asked. Are you telling me that you... That you jacked off all over the front lantern of my house? See, senor, you told me to do the jackal lantern. Are you out of your mind, Fuentes?

Sir, please don't raise your voice, signor. Are you telling me, Senor Fuentes, that you masturbated all over the light in front of my house? See, senor, that's, it's a lantern, and you told me to put the jackal lantern at the front of the house. Oh, my God. I know, senor, it was not easy doing it in public. And people were walking by my house? See, senor, you have no idea how many times I had to zip it back into my pants and wait till they left. And some of them were walking puppies, signor.

Oh, my God! Are you... You were in broad daylight. See, senor, jacko lantern all over your lamp. Oh, my God, Senor Fwentas. Well, you told me to, senor. I don't know why you're having something. a reaction.

You did not. I meant a pumpkin. You wanted me to jack off on a pumpkin? No! A jack-o-lantern is a pumpkin. I think a pumpkin is a pumpkin, signor. A jack-o-lantern is another name for a pumpkin. It doesn't mean you masturbate all over my lamp

and squirt your semen. Don't say semen. Ejaculate? Don't say a jack-y-y-jacket. Confest, don't. Get out of here. Well, senora, I was wondering if I could get a little extra money for all my hard labor. You want me to pay you extra for masturbating all over the front of my house? It's called jack-o-lantern, senor.

Get out of here. Senor. What? Trick or treat? Yes. Smell my sticky fingers, senor. Get out of here! You're disgusting

We're gonna talk about this again when I get home Okay, senor, I'll be sitting underneath the light I hope it doesn't drip on me Get out Drink or treat Smell my semen get out Oh my god Okay, I want to

I got to apologize to you guys, my listeners That was just vile You know, that guy either he's got to somehow figure out the nuances of American culture, or maybe he's got to move away. To misinterpret that a jacko lantern is anything more than a pumpkin with a card with a kooky face, and somehow he turns it into a vile, self-pleasuring sex act in front of my house. On the light, seigneur.

Get out! It's just unacceptable. My apologies. What a way to tarnish Halloween. God. And speaking of Halloween, I told you guys I'd let you know if I decide to go to any Halloween parties.

And it looks like I've nailed down a couple. So it should be fun. the next few nights should be fun probably going to go to two one night and I'm one the other night and one of them it sounds like I have to dress like a dead celebrity or I don't get in the door so I'm going to try and figure

out a good dead celebrity to go as maybe Gary Coleman he'd be fun what you're talking about Willis but I'm still not sure yet who I'll go as I'll keep you posted I'll let you know how my Halloween party goes

should be fun though and all of you have a great Halloween be like I said be safe out there have fun enjoy yourself don't be afraid to be silly and look nutty and go berserk it's Halloween man enjoy it enjoy it

and I'll leave it right there with some good tidings don't forget if you want to call me and leave a message tell me your Underwear Leg Story. 323-739-4330. That's 323-739-43330. The number is on my website,

harlandwiliams.com. If you want to look that up, you can get the number for the show. Or it's even easier if you download the Harland Highway app on your Android or iPhone. It's available in the app store. Just type in the Harland Highway, and it's probably the easiest place you,

can go to get the podcast. There's all kinds of cool little features, and also you can sign up to be a premium member for $20 a year. Some of you got in on the premium package a bit early before we were able to actually set the price, and the guys who made the app had it at $8, which is great for you guys, but doesn't do much for us that are trying to use the money to support the podcast. So now it's an extra $12. It's $20 a year. That's like going to the drive-thru twice, okay? So hopefully you'll help us out and support the premium access. What you get with that is all the backlogged episodes, almost 700 backlogged episodes.

You get to hear my other podcast that I do called Let's Have a Fight, which periodically airs for premium members. You'll get exclusive stand-up content. You'll get all kinds of exclusive stuff we're going to roll out for you as the year. goes on. So 20 bucks per year premium access. Please help us out and join up today. You don't want to miss out on all the fun stuff. Also, you can write us at the website, harloweems.com on the contact page. Also check out our store. We got tons of people ordering great gifts. Christmas is coming up fairly soon. There's all kinds of fun gifts. It's always better to hit my web store up

early for crazy t-shirts and CDs, DVDs, books, music, everything. The sooner you get your order in, the quicker we get it out to you, because you don't want to miss that Christmas day of the December 25th. Sometimes we get people that order too late and they're disappointed because there's stuff, there's no possible way for us to get it to them on time. So please start getting your Christmas orders in early. and that's it we'll leave it right there gang happy Halloween have a blast and if any of the trick or treaters that come to your door give you any problems okay you just tell them this

yep I keep telling them to go down to the federal screen chamber you know the one that looks just like my aunt Bertha's licorice rolls Royce handwarming eggplant kale and I couldn't be any clearer So happy Halloween, all you pavement pounders. Have a great time. And until next time, a very scary chicken chalmie, baby. Well, what do you know? A ham sandwich.