The Harland Highway - 712 - Samuel E. Quoke Fall romance letter. Prank calls to gun stores. Let's have a fight 2.

Episode Date: November 5, 2015

Samuel E. Quoke shows up with his romantic musings about the Fall season. Harland calls a gun store. Sample clip from LET'S HAVE A FIGHT PODCAST #2. A caller leaves Harland with a mystery on his hands. Stand on a bandstand with your hands!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name, or at least your wife's name. I don't love you, but I love your wife. Oh my God. Wait, what? Easy, William's easy. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Hey, everybody, this is Harlem, William. You're living in the Harlem Highway. What a show today. Uh, well, maybe not. I shouldn't have got ahead of myself. Apparently Samuel E. Quowke is coming in. This guy's a, a lyricist. He's a poet, a romantic writer, and I guess it's fall and he wants to read his romantic, you know, letters or letter about his fall romance with an old flame. I just, the guy's creepy.

Also, we're going to be making a phone call, since it is fall and it's hunting season, we're going to be making a phone call to a gun shop because I have a giant elk roaming around on my property that I want to shoot. So we're going to be doing that. Also, you're going to hear a sample of the next episode of Let's Have a Fight, my other podcast that's only available to premium members who get my app on their iPhone. So you're going to get a little sampling of that. Hopefully it encourages you to join the premium package. And then we're going to clear up a mystery or we're going to try. One caller asked me a very strange question on the Harland Highway. What am I? What is this? Some kind of a choke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harlan, it's Shelley. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening.

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, it's fall, everybody. Yes, it's fall.

And I believe hunting season is on in the fall. I believe people are out in the woods trying to shoot animals. I'm not a big fan of hunting. I'll be honest. I know there's people listening that probably are, but it's not my thing. I just feel bad for the critters. But, you know, everyone has their thing.

So whatevs? But I thought maybe it would be fun since it's, you know, that season where hunters are getting their guns out and, you know, going out to shoot stuff. that maybe I call a gun store and see what's up. So here we go, the Harland Highway, calling a gun store. Rocky Mountain Shooters, hi. Hi, how are you today?

I'm fine. How can I help you? Do you have like a rifle I can shoot an, I'm looking to shoot an elk? Like a... Sure, we've got a whole wall full of rock. rifles here sure okay because I got uh I got an elk on my comes out on my lawn eats my wife's flowers and stuff and she's giving me a hard time and I just want to shoot the goddamn thing unless it's in a designated hunting zone and you've got a permit to do that you don't want to

do that well I mean I you know I got the goddamn thing comes in my wife's gut garden and eats of flowers and I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with my wife. You need to call the vision of wildlife first. You can't just shoot an animal. You'll be in big trouble with the law doing that. Well, if it comes into my garden, that's, you know, my property. I could shoot it so it stops eating the flowers. That's your choice, but there are consequences there to do that. Well, you know... Yeah, we've got a lot of firearms here, certainly.

What caliber do I need to, you know, take down a buck, or whatever they call them? If you were going hunting, hunting in Colorado, normally you would use like a 30-out-6 or 7-millimeter or something like that. Oh, God. That's my wife's nickname for me is 7-millimeter. Christ. All right, well, I guess, what's the 7mm? How many bullets do I need for this thing?

God damn elk. You could only need one, you know? I don't know. But I would call Colorado Division of Wildlife and explain the situation to them first. All right. Well, if I get, that's what, is that the rules? I mean, I don't hunt.

I just, I know this thing. Well, that's the law. Yes, you can't just go out and shoot something. That's against the law. You'll find yourself in prison doing that. Well, no, it's not something. It's like an elk. It's not something.

And their lives are valued more than human lives in a lot of cases. So you should call Colorado Divisional Wildlife and explain your situation and ask them how they can help you. Wait, are you telling me an elk's life is more valuable than a human being's life here? According to Division of Wildlife, in a lot of cases, yes. You need to really talk to law enforcement first. I could do jail time if this thing's eating my wife's flowers and I shoot the guy down. Potentially, that's right. You've got to be kidding.

This is a goddamn elk here. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's like a big brown deer type of thing. It's eating flowers. Yeah, I understand. And I'm going to do... I've got another line ringing.

I've got to go, but give them a call first. All right. Well, I'll do... Thank you for your help. It's unbelievable. Jesus Christ. Wow. Who knew?

Apparently elk's lives are more valuable than humans. Lucky I called the gun store to get that. Lucky I didn't just go out and shoot the damn elk. Holy cracker barrel. So there you go. If there's an elk in your gun, eating your goddamn flowers and whatnot. You know, call Fish and Wildlife

before you just pop it and drop it, you know, type of thing. Wow. Sure, we've got a whole wall full of rob rifles here. Sure. Hello? Hello? Hi, Harland.

I think the show is absolutely fantastic. And I'm just listening to episode 675, and I'm noticing during the anti-gritty bit, There is a whole other sound bite going on behind. You might want to listen to it. I don't know where it sounds like another conversation is going on. Anyway, your show is fantastic. You're not as typical Hollywood duch,

and I completely enjoy your show and your podcast and all the time that you put into it. And the fact that it's free, chicken channel. Oh, well, thank you so kindly. I think what you're always hearing in the background with Aunt Ruthie is I think the episode you're talking about she was watching TV

and she leaves it up loud because she's hard of hearing and then sometimes she's driving and there's always something going on in the background with Aunt Ruthie so don't be thrown by that.

She's just Aunt Ruthie. She's a nut. But thank you for your very kind words and you know please pick up our our premium membership, if you can. People are starting to chime in and seem very happy with it. So I'll play you one of those calls, and then we'll move on.

The premium membership is part of the app. If you download the app for $20 a year, you get all this great stuff. So let's have a listen to a satisfied customer. Hey, Harlan, it's Eric from Indiana. I just signed up for your premium content, and $20. a year is ridiculously cheap. That is so cheap. And it's a waste I can do for all the last you've given me over the years.

Thank you for everything, Harlan. You rock your legend. I'm kicking Chalman. There you go. Eric from Indiana, thank you so much for getting the premium content. And just to remind you guys, it's our brand new Harland Highway app. You can download it on your phone for free. No gimmicks, no tricks.

You get the latest 50 episodes from. the latest back 50 you get absolutely free you don't have to pay a cent when you download the app there's no tricks there's no fee and then if you decide to once you get in the app and you decide you want to uh join up for the premium content which is all the extra stuff you won't get on this podcast uh you can do that for $20 a year that's it $20 a year and and uh it really helps go towards the podcast i thought i'd do that right rather than have a sponsor. I just, I just, I did never like the idea of in the middle of my podcast,

suddenly I'm telling you to go buy a mattress or, you know, go here, go there, buy this. I just thought, what if we could just, you know, the product we sell is more of this product. And, uh, and that way you're getting something you know you already like and enjoy. So please join the app. Please join up with the premium content. And I thank you in advance. Eric, thank you so very much. And for those of you that aren't premium members, one of the things you get as a premium member is, as I said, the other podcast I do called Let's Have a Fight where we get two funny comedians or actors or personalities together.

And basically they duke it out for three rounds. They have three verbal fights until we determine a winner at the end. We have a bunch of topics, provocative topics, and they just go at it. So for those of you that aren't premium members, I'm going to play you a little sample of the next premium podcast called Let's Have a Fight. And this is a fight between two very, very funny comedic actors from a place called The Groundlings. And the Groundlings is a theater in Hollywood where many, many, many of the Saturday Night cast gets plucked from. People like Pee Wee-Herman and Will Ferrell and, I mean, you know, Cherry O'Terry, all kinds of amazing, talented folks have been discovered at the Groundlings Theater.

And so these two guys are regular players there, Brian Palermo and Jordan Black. And these guys got into a bunch of fights. One of them was about prostitution. One of them was about gay adoption. and I think their third and final fight was about tagging. Are you for graffiti and tagging? Are you against it? And here's just a little sample of the fight from my other podcast.

And if you like what you hear, please join the premium membership. 20 bucks a year get to this podcast and the other podcast and so much more. So here's a little taste of the boys duking it out over tagging. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun. Liam Nissan Buy your tickets now

and get a free chili dog Not included The Naked God Tickets on sale now August 1st We travel the world To see cave drawings

Oh yeah Okay Cave drawing that's tagging Right Somebody's drawing on a cave That was somebody's house At one point It's a good point

And that's why cave drawing stopped 10 million years ago Because no one agreed That is a good fucking idea Because guess what I live in a cave Now there's some fucking bison on my wall I don't want that

That scares me in the children Now we can't sleep Now I can't catch a new by, so now we're all going to die. But Brian, tagging is the new cave drawing. A billion years from now, people will look at the sides of freeways and go, oh my God, who is lefty nuts? Yeah. What was he trying to tell us?

What is he communicating? You can get all that from the picture of his nuts that he's drawn on the side of the highway. So that's not art. That's just a person's scrotum, which I would say... Why do you hate art? I don't know why you're not. I hate scrotums. I hate you and I hate art and I hate Scrotum's and I hate Maxie and I hate Matt Pascat.

Listen, I want things to be clean and nice. I don't want random assholes run around and spray painting shit all over everything. Yeah, but Brian, Brian, you just argued that people should have the freedom to sell their assholes, but they shouldn't have the freedom to have something to say about society on the side of a building or the freeway. It doesn't hurt anyone. It doesn't have to bring down the property value. But it does. They have the freedom to sell their stuff in their own terms, in their own bedroom, in the back of a Prius.

wherever they want, not on your house. So you're saying self-expression trumps the cleanliness of the... If we tag everything, then the property values all remain the same. You're actually arguing for more tagging. I am going to stand up and piss on your face right now, and that's just my creative expression. Hey, that's all creative expression. So maybe, you know, 9 million more people are going to piss on your face, but maybe that one guy is going to be an artist when he pisses on your face.

All right? So get ready. You're my canvas. Oh, my God. And those guys just go at each other. I won't tell you who the winner is, but what we do is we have three fights and then we judge the fight and we decide a winner, person who gets the best two out of three at the end of the show, is the champion. So there it is.

Just a little sample. Let's have a fight podcast exclusive to premium members of the Harlan Highway. You can get the premium membership at the Harland Highway app. So there you go. I'll leave it there. And now let's move on to something much more. much more romantic, much more gentle, much more, I hate this guy. Okay, this is the lead and I was supposed to give this guy.

Much more romantic, much more gentle, much more whimsical, it says. This next guess is a maniac, if you ask me. But I don't slate the guess, and the orders come from upstairs, so here he is. He's already here. Please welcome writer, poet, whatever you want to call him. Samuel E. Quowke is here with one of his romantic letters. Hello, Mr. Quowke. I'm not sure I appreciate the tone in your voice, sir.

Oh, oh, you don't appreciate the tone in my voice. It sounded very condescending and rude. Well, she, maybe you should leave, Samuel E. Quowke. I don't think so. I came here to read my romantic letters. Oh, God. Do you mind if I start reading, please? Yeah, actually, I do mind.

You know, can I just be honest? Oh, brother. No, can I be honest with you? Oh, please. I don't much care for your writings. I find the morbid and a little disgusting. And why you bill yourself as a romantic writer is beyond me? You're more like the guy who wrote Hellraiser.

Do you mind, sir? Yeah, I don't mind if you leave. I'm going to read my letter if you don't mind, sir, my romantic letter. Go ahead, get it over with Quoak. Thank you very much. Would you mind not staring at me? I'm not staring at you. We're in the studio together.

Where do you want me to look? Up at the ceiling, please. Shut up and read your goofy letter. Thank you very much. My dearest Jasmine, it was a crisp fall day, the sun riding high in the sky as we took a walk through the forest hand in hand.

There was a briskness in the air There was a bouts in our step Your cheeks were perky and pink The leaves on the trees And turn to splashy colours Of flame red and golden yellow Light pinks and dark crimson's It was as if we were walking

Through one of Van Gogh's canvases In the middle of a sunlit day I'll never forget as we shared smiles and giggles and told stories Your hand felt so warm in mine And suddenly in the distance The distinct sound of a babbling brook Oh Jasmine As we walked down towards the brook

The water bubbled and splashed and creamed around the moss-covered rocks You got a little bit too close your leather shoe stepping on one of the stones and losing your grip, you slipped backwards and conked your head on the back of a rock, spilling into the river, a stream of blood filling the water and a river turning a crimson red

as your body was pulled out into the current. All right, see? There we go. Excuse me. No, there we go. Okay, you set it up, you're walking through the forest, everything sounds dandy, the fall colors.

You pulled me in, Quowke. Thank you very much. May I continue, please? No, no, let me finish. Do you mind if I finish, please? No! I want to set the record straight. So then all of a sudden,

she goes down to this beautiful babbling brook. That's what I said, sir. Yeah, and she steps on a mossy rock, falls, smashes her head on a rock. Her skull starts bleeding, and she gets pulled out into the current? May I finish my romantic letter, sir? Oh, God, real romantic.

Do you mind? Go ahead, get it over. What a... Just always something creepy. Do you mind, sir? Hurry up, qualk. I'll never forget, Jasmine, as your delicate body was pulled out into the torrent

spinning and twirling like so many of the golden leaves sitting on top of the water. Your body spun around, your golden hair trapped in the white water. A splash of blood filling the river and your body slowly started to drift, drift down the river, bobbing in and out, smashing off of rocks. I can hear your rib cage crunch against an old log. I saw your head bounce from rock to rock like a pinball in a pinball machine. And then just as it seemed, the river was starting to slow down. A large grizzly bear standing on the shoreline,

swiping his massive clawed paws through the water, ripping salmon out of the river, hurtling them through the air where they landed on the shore full of stones with a deafening, thick, sickly thud. And as your limp body unconscious floated by the massive beast, its mighty paw came swiping down and smashed you across the face,

peeling the flesh from your face, right off your skull, and flinging it through the air where it stuck to the side of a tree and looked like one of the face-talking trees from the Wizard of Oz. I remember... Stop!

Stop, stop, stop. Do you mind, sir? Hold on, Quoak. Do you mind if I finish my romantic? No! You're very rude, sir. I'm very rude. You're just telling me your girlfriend.

Her name is Jasmine. Jasmine? You're telling me a full-grown grizzly bear swipes through the water. Clause her face off. That is correct. And her whole face flies through the air, lands on the side of a tree, and you're telling me it's like those stupid apple trees from Wizard of Oz

where they're like, you know, get out of here. How would you like it if we pulled apples off of you? Although I am amused by your cheap impersonations, sir, I do have a letter to finish. Oh, my God. What is wrong with you, dude? Unbelievable. Do you mind?

Hurry up. Get it over with, Sickoyd. I'll never forget as your body floated past the massive bear who was quite startled

by your skull exposed. Your body continued down the river and finally much to my delight. It looked like your body had stopped

its careless journey down the river. You had bumped into an obstruction. of sticks and branches crossing the expanse of the river. I ran quickly across the leaf-covered forest floor to try and be by your faceless side. But before I could get there,

I suddenly realized that this obstruction in the river was nothing short of a mighty beaver dam, my dear Jasmine. And as I raced across the back of its uneven tempo, I almost got to your side when suddenly a family of beavers appeared from underwater with their giant golden incisor teeth. I screamed your name, but you were just coming out of consciousness and could barely hear me. It was then that the beavers started chewing through your limbs like saplings in the forest, chewing through your bones, your arms, your legs, as if they were birch trees growing on the side of a lake.

I remember the blood squirting through the air. You're screaming mixed with the gnashing and gnawing of their giant yellow rodent teeth. Your bones being snapped in half, them sucking the marrow out and enjoying it like a Saturday afternoon circus treat. Oh, Jasmine, your face crying, but it couldn't quite cry because you had no skin on your face and no tears would come. as the beavers chewed through your tender flesh. Stop it! Do you mind, sir? Are you out of your mind, quouk?

A freaking family of beavers are now chewing through your chick? She is not a chick, sir. She's a lady. By all definitions, thank you very much. I'll ask you to show a little bit of respect for Jasmine. Me? Me? Show a little respect for Jasmine. Are you kidding?

You just let this chick get smashed up by a grizzly bear. Now she's been eaten alive by beavers? May I finish, please, sir? No, get out. I beg your pardon, sir. Get the hell out. I don't want to hear any more of this crap. It's disgusting.

All of a sudden, the beaver dam broke open, and your body was rushing down the river at such a rapid pace. A waterfall up ahead with a great white shark waiting in its mouth, waiting to consume you and shit it out of its white, great bottom. Stop it! Get out! The Great White Shark jumped your face off. Get out! And then a killer whale jumped from the bottom of the waterfall. Get out! And then a Tyrannosaurus rex came out of the bush. Get out! Roger?

say this every time, never again. Never again. No, turn off his damn music. Turn it off. That's it. I never want that idiot to disgrace my podcast again. Play a commercial. Let me calm down and let's move on. Unreal. Fresh is a walk through the woods on an early spring morning. Fresh is a general.

breeze that takes you by surprise fresh is simple with summer's eve the most convenient disposable dish you can buy this exclusive one-piece unit means there's nothing to assemble and it's available in two fragrances or vinegar and water the solution doctors recommend with summer's eve freshness has never been simpler hello hey i was just wondering if uh I've ever swung a bean pickle at a Canary Park is six ways from Saigon. Call me back. Um, okay, dude, but how am I supposed to call you back? You didn't leave me your number.

Great. Now I just got to phone around and hope that I find you. Okay, well, I'll play your little game. I'm going to start calling right now. Just random numbers, see if I can find you. man how are you i'm doing good what can i do for you uh i got your message uh yes sir yeah you ever swing a bean pickle on a canary carcass six ways from sagon so i'll just calling you back who am i speaking with uh this is larry larry yeah but you uh you called me you left a message

right right but I think you left the like the bean pickle message for me the bean pickle so I well I don't know you left the message so I'm call I was calling you to get that cleared up from your end uh I don't think that I don't think that we called you well I got I got the message I clearly I can say it again you ever swing a bean pickle on a canary carcass six ways from Saigon. That's what I got. I mean, that would have been, I mean, I think this is the wrong number, sir.

Because this is a corporate franchise Walthouse restaurant. I don't think that we would call a customer and say that or anything like that. All right. Well, I guess I'll just keep calling around and try and track this down because it's dry, you can't, I mean, you got to agree with me. Wouldn't that drive you crazy?

Yeah, that's, that's, It seems kind of strange. I don't know why somebody would do that. I don't even know what a bean pickle is, do you? No, sir. All right, well, I'm going to keep calling around, buddy. All right, thanks, sir. Thanks, man.

All right. Okay, well, I guess I'm zero for one. You know, you can't say it didn't try. I'll keep calling. I'll keep calling for weeks to come until I track this down. Because, you know, I ask you guys to call in. I ask you to leave messages and you're so gracious and you do it. And then you ask me to call you back and I want to, but then you don't leave the number.

And, you know, how am I supposed to let you know if I've ever thrown a bean pickle over a canary carcass seven ways to Saigon? And I know you need to know this stuff, guys. And I feel bad. So we'll keep searching. I'm going to keep calling until we track this down. Next show, I'm going to call again. and I really hope we can get this done. So thanks for calling.

If any of you all want to call, you can leave me messages on 323-739-4330. And, you know, I love to get your messages, love to hear what you have to say. It can be anything you want. But just leave me a message. Or you can write me at harlornwilliams.com. We have a contact sheet.

there and we'll put you in the listener mailbag um and by the way if you want to make all this stuff a lot easier than going to a website just download the harland highway app on your cell phone just pick up your phone go to the app store and type in the harland highway on android or apple and uh basically it pops up and it's so easy to use it's it's so user friendly and uh like I said earlier, you get all the latest current 50 episodes free, and then the backlog of almost 700 is 20 bucks a year. That's a lot of entertainment for 20 bucks. When you think a movie's 12 bucks for two hours, I'm giving you 700 episodes for 20 bucks. That's like 700 movies, man.

But not only that, you get all the premium content you heard earlier. I played you a little clip from the second episode of Let's Have a Fight podcast. That's going to be put up very soon, probably within the next five days. So if you want to hear that whole thing, get on the app and get ready for that podcast to come through. You have to be a premium member to get it. that and other fun stuff that I will be playing for you guys, live stand-up clips, special interviews with some of the characters on the show, yada, yada, yada. So, and like I said, it supports the podcast to help me keep being creative and doing other

things to bring you more content and keep you smiling and laughing and thinking and farting. I didn't mean that literally. Why did you do that? was on you guys. So there you go. I'll leave it there. We have Thanksgiving's coming up soon. Oh, my gosh.

Can you believe it? Thanksgiving. And you know what happens at Thanksgiving. We have the Thanksgiving Day parade with John and John calling the color. So you can look forward to the Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Day parade coming up later in the month. And we're going to have a blast. We'll keep looking for the bean pickle And we'll leave it right there

So hope you're doing great Hope you had a great Halloween And let's get ready For the home stretch here in 2015 Can you believe we're at the end November and December? How dare father time? How dare he?

Wow So let's do this gang Let's have a lot of fun up into the new year here and until next time Chicken Chalmayne

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