The Harland Highway - 715 - SEX SHOP prank call. 1st taste of XMAS. What makes you sad?

Episode Date: November 16, 2015

Harland pranks a sex shop, talks about Christmas, driving, bean pickles, and sadness. Fun on the run!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What is this podcast talking about? Well, I don't know, Jerry, but we're going to be talking about all kinds of stuff. Welcome, everybody, to the Harlan Highway. Yeah, you and the house, player. Welcome to the show. I'm Harland Williams. This is the Harland Highway. What a show we have today.

We're going to continue to try and solve the bean pickle mystery. You'll see. Somebody called and left me in numbed him. didn't leave me a number and wanted me to call them back and so I'm still calling around trying to figure it out um we're going to be um talking about sadness sadness what makes you sad and should you be sad i don't think so we're going to talk about that we got some crazy phone calls coming in from some of you uh pavement pounders um we're going to be talking about christmas which is just getting ready to go we're just about there

We're just a little ways away from Christmas. And how do you feel about driving? Do you like driving? Would you rather someone else do it for you? That might be what the future holds, and I don't know if that's a good thing. We're going to discuss. And also, we're going to have a little fun,

and I decided I'm going to get down and dirty and do a prank call to a sex shop. Oh, yeah, we're going to shop for sexy stuff, because this is the very sexy. Harland. Highway! Where am I? What is this?

Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway.

What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Everywhere you go. Take a look in the five and ten. Glistening once again With candy canes And silver lanes aglow Oh yeah It's beginning to look a lot

Like Christmas Everywhere you go Are you ready? Do you notice I'm skipping Right over Thanksgiving It's starting, it's coming It's getting close And I love it

I love it So excited. I'm so very excited for Christmas. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, anyways, no point to this. Just kind of, I thought I'd put that first Christmas carol of the season into your head. Just setting the table, setting the tone, getting it started, kicking it off mid-November, just to get your blood going. But really, it's probably just me.

wait to get the Christmas season starting, because I love it. So it's me putting my wishes on you. Let me be the first to say it for 2015. Merry Christmas, each and every one of you. Merry Christmas, one and all. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Toys in every store But the prettiest sight to see

Is the holly that will be On your own front door Oh chrismas Sure it's Christmas So excited Once more Our old skips off, Nelson Riley. Hello.

Hello. Hey. I was just wondering if you ever swung a bean pickle at a canary park is six whiz from Saigon. Call me back. Petland, this is Anna. How may I help you? Oh, yeah, I was just calling back. I got your message.

Thanks for calling. Oh. Yeah. What did we call about? The message was you ever swing a bean pickle on a canary carcass six ways from Saigon. I'm not sure what it meant, but I thought I better call back and check in. Okay, I have no idea who sent that, but... It was a dude's voice, so maybe if you want to check with one of the guys or something, I don't know.

Okay, what's your name? Tony. Tony, what's your last name? Smith. Okay, I'll go check real quick. Thanks, thank you. Hello? Oh, boy, I'm not having any luck at all.

You know, one of you guys phoned me, you left me this message, call you back. I've been trying and trying to call you back. And I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to stop. But people are swearing at me. people are hanging up on me. It's very hurtful. I'm very frustrated, but I can't give up

on this caller that clearly you heard him asked me to call him back. Six ways from Saigon. Call me back. So tip to all you callers, just, you know, leave me a number next time, and I'm going to keep trying for a little while longer here. And by the way, if you want a phone

and leave a message or anything, 323-739-43330 I always love to hear from all of you hey how's it going there arlin this is the ghost of fresh barley just calling to tell you you're doing a heck of a job with this stuff I guess that you're getting here oh do I feel like a horse for two don't know how these things work I'm going to get the other guy on the phone why he's really caught there you go hey arlin this is Brandon from Tucson I just want to do a life break it there really quick.

I just want to let you know that what you're doing is very important. And I've been pretty depressed, to be honest, lately with my life and my job and everything's going on. And I found your podcast and you can get me through it completely. And along with my wife, of course, but you and my wife, good combo there. But I just wanted to thank you very much for just making me laugh and get through some hard times here. and, you know, my life logger to be a filmmaker, and hopefully in the future I can move out to California

and hopefully hire you to be an actor in a movie sometime. But just thank you for everything you do. Keep doing what you do, and your set humor is awesome and unique. And just thanks a lot, man. You're really getting me through a lot of hard times. And take care, and I'm a pavement founder for life now. Tricken Drumwain.

Maybe. Oh, Brandon, Brandon, Brandon. First of all, great Chris Farley, Impression. Holy smokes. Really nice. Good work. Secondly, thank you for your very, very kind words. I'm so glad that you enjoy the podcast and that it brings happiness and joy and meaning into your life. That's really why I do it at the end of the day. It's just to, you know, give people a little extra something to hopefully smile, laugh about, think about whatever. And, you know, I'm sorry you're. going through some bouts of depression. It happens to everybody. And I would offer this up to you, man. It's a little thing I go by, and maybe it'll help you.

I always say to friends or people that are having problems, you know, as you said, maybe you're having trouble with work or at home or with money or whatever it is. Just remember that life is very, very precious. Okay, and life is about living. Okay, if you look at an ant scurring around on the ground, it doesn't worry about money and cars and mortgages. It's just happy to be alive. A lizard sitting on a rock.

It's living. A flower breathing in oxygen and sunlight. It just needs to live. And that's all we really need to do. All this other stuff we've got ourselves wrapped in. It's like a scallop wrapped in bacon. Okay, we're the scallops, and the bacon is just an accessory. It's delicious.

We love it. We love the taste of the bacon, but we don't need it. It's just wrapped around us, and all these material things and all these problems, they're just wrapped around us. But here's what I offer up. If you can, go into a time machine and go one year back, And let me ask you, do you remember what your worst problem was a year ago? Was it money?

Was it a fight with your friend? Was it your car was broken? You were rushing to get to the airport. You're having a fight with your boss. Someone lied to you. You thought that you weren't going to be able to pay for your house. You were thinking of cheating on your wife. What was it?

Do you even remember? Honestly, do you even remember? And if you do, go back two years. Go back three years. Go back and see if you can think of a time when you just thought your world was going to collapse and you'd never recover. Right? But then, and I'm guessing you don't even remember what those bad times were. But also, when you go back, think of all the cool things and good things that happened.

in that year or those two years or those three years maybe you had a kid maybe you went on a trip maybe you saw a movie that you loved maybe you tasted a new type of food that you'd never eaten before life just keeps

ongoing and you're always going to have hard times there's always going to be you know difficulties throwing at you but don't forget none of them are insurmountable you can always shake off the bacon and just keep on being a scallop, okay? So I hope that helps you, buddy.

Think positive. Don't let stuff get you down. And I'm going to keep doing my part here at the Harland Highway to keep you laughing, keep your head above the clouds. And just remember, life is precious and it's very, very short. Believe me, each year as you get older speeds up. So don't cheat yourself. Don't waste your time immersed and submerged in the bad stuff, the negative stuff.

You've got to find a way to just shake it off, man. You ever see a horse get up out of the dust and just shake? You ever seen a dog shake water off its back? Just shake it off, man. And do your best to move on and know that things will just get better. You've got to believe that. You've got to have faith. than that. And I think laughter is one way to do it.

So I'm glad you've tuned in and to everyone else listening who maybe goes through hard times. Same thing applies. That's how I look at things when I go through difficulties. It's like money could be tough. My car could be broken down. Maybe I had a fight with the girlfriend. But yet there I am at Baskin Robbins with a three, dollar scooped up dish of chocolate and peanut butter ice cream just sitting there letting it feel cool in my mouth and life ain't so bad so forget the bacon get back to being a scallop and uh let's get some let's get our giggle on man hello secrets adult store how can i help you Hi, how are you today?

I'm great. How are you doing? I'm good. I'm calling. I wanted to know if you guys carry a nice selection of dildos. Yes, sir, we do. We have quite the selection. Okay, I have a bit of an unusual request. Do you have the yellow ones? You know, I don't know if we have anything in the yellow color. I'm just walking down the wall. I see a yellow butt plug. Okay, you're close. You're in the wheelhouse. my wife has a fetish and I know you probably get these calls all the time my wife has a fetish for Asian penises and so she wants

it's unusual but she wants a small dildo do you have like a three inch one definitely have a lot of different sizes and we do have a variety of colors but I really like the yellow she likes the Asian man and if you have three inches are smaller no ones that are lighter flesh tones, for sure. Bordering on yellow? Like, have you ever seen an Asian man's privates? Well, there are definitely some that could be of numerous different ethnicities. Okay. Okay, we're in the wheelhouse. I think you're probably going to have to come in and see if they, you know, fit what you're looking for.

We don't have anything that's actual yellow colored, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're looking for anyways. Well, the main thing is that small Asian compact size. So if you got any But they'll those three inches, two and a half inches long? We definitely have some things. I'm looking at some different pieces right now. We have a lot starting at four inches. Oh, that's... Bit too long, a bit too big.

She likes the feel of that small little Asian penis going inside of her. Oh, boy. We have some smaller, you know, when it gets to that size, you know, a two inch, They're not usually marketed as dildos, but we have a lot of pieces that are that shape and size. What would they be marketed as? So we have a lot of, you know, small vibrators that are that size. Okay, okay. Any yellow ones?

Not that I am seeing off the bat, but we definitely, like I said, have some different flesh tones. This is tougher than I thought. You know, my wife, and it's interesting because she used to be into the long, you know, thicker ones, and suddenly she got this, you know, fetish for the Asian. She got yellow fever. Have you ever heard of this? Yeah, well, maybe does she know that you're shopping? Maybe you can bring her in, and together you can see if there's something that fits what she's looking for.

Doesn't I? I come in with her and we shop around for tiny Asian yellow penises together. Exactly. I mean, a lot of couples come in here and shop together. I always recommend to men shopping for their wives. You're never going to know what she wants as well as she does. And it's not like I'll have to carry one of those cumbersome baskets around because, you know, those bastards, the penises are so small. I'll just carry it in my hand and bring it right up to the cash.

For sure. Oh, this is, well, you've been a world of help. Thanks, Angel. For sure. Do you know where we're located? I do. Yes, we've been in there before last year for Christmas. We bought some anal beads and it was just wonderful under the tree.

They were colored. They're green and red. Just wonderful. That's cute. So we're open until 1 a.m. today so come on by any time okay and maybe we'll pick up some fresh uh christmas season anal balls while we grab the uh chinese penis exactly okay hey this has been thank you such a wonderful help thank you so much god bless you all right we'll see you later thank you bye bye bye so see there you go brandon

there's always something to laugh about and yes we had a little fun at the expense of the old uh asian penis stereotype yes Yes, every ethnic group, whites, blacks, Asians, Middle Easterners, we all have these little stigmas attached to us. I don't have any firsthand knowledge that Asian men have small penises, but it's an urban myth that's been perpetuated through the decades. And so we thought we'd have a little fun at the old sex shop. So I hope that, I hope you got some giggles. My apologies to any Asian men that might have their egos dented a little bit. But remember, it's just a myth, guys, right?

You're really not tiny, right, guys? Right? I don't hear you. And lastly, I'll say this, Brendan. No matter how down, how crazy your life may get. At least it's not as crazy. or is out of control? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. As my next caller. So you'll always have this as a point of reference. Back in 1993, they were giving me electric shock treatment in a hospital, and I had seven angels come down to me in a hospital in Pueblo State Hospital when my head and body was completely black from being an electric chair. And then I had got my gifts back through the power lines just last year, so I was

standing by the power lines and waiting for my gift to return to me, and that's how I became so powerful back then. I had to have my head blown off thrown into a lake, and I was haunted down by Dracula all my life, and they found him, and he's in hell. So you're feeling better about yourself, buddy? Oh, my God. Now, see, I don't know if that call was a joke or a prank. It almost sounded real. So whoever that is, thank you for calling.

I hope Dracula didn't find you. I hope your head is back on. I hope your skin's no longer burnt black from the power lines. And your gift that it sounds like you got back was to remind all of us that our lives are pretty normal. So thanks for calling, guys. Remember, if you want to call 3-2-3, oh, my God, I've got to hear that ending again. I had to have my head blown off thrown into a lake, and I was haunted down by Dracula all my life,

and they found him, and he's in hell. Okay, so there you go, guys. Oh, I love it. I love the calls I get from you pavement pounders, whether they're ridiculous, whether they're serious, that they're all fantastic. Thank you for calling in. If you want to call in 323-739-43-43-30, 3-2-3-9-40-3-30. Now, let's go to something that really is a little tragic

that might make, is definitely making me upset. This story in the news is freaking me out, man. I don't know if it'll freak you out But it's freaking me out I'm a guy who likes to do road trips in my car And I'm afraid this next story is Kind of pretty scary Because it's all too real

And I think it might be accurate Listen to this The Harland Highway Crazy news stories That's weird That's strange stuff Okay here it is And this scares me

me and makes me sad. But I think it's a reality, okay? This is something I think you guys need to hear. The headline reads Future Cities will ban driving. And this comes from

a guy named what's his name? Nolan Bushnell, who was the guy who created the Atari Empire, the video game empire. So he's a pretty intelligent guy and also a forward thinker. I mean, he had the ingenuity and the foresight to create the early video games.

So listen to what he says in this article, and then I'll elaborate on it more. This is from San Francisco Nolan Bushnell knows a thing or two about predicting what might be hot. He started a little company called Atari, whose rudimentary video game Pong, arguably is the great grand. of high-deaf virtual onslaughts such as Call of Duty. And he launched Chuck E. Cheese, a chain that represents Nirvana for kids, but not so much for earplugged parents. But anyways, those are some of his accomplishments, but here's what he predicts.

He made a prediction recently where he said, where he said the future of transportation looks like this. in 20 years or so it will be downright illegal to drive a car in cities yourself so you will not be able to drive a car on your own in a big city

and he says given that the job will be handed over to growing fleet of autonomous vehicles oh my gosh that's scary because you know that's what's happening now Tesla has a

autonomous it's not completely autonomous, but it has a function on it now where it takes over for you to do the driving. As we know, Google's working on a car that self-drives. Apple is looking into a car that self-drives. I read an article on the internet the other day. There's another kind of secret of company in California that's throwing all its apples into modern cars. And on one level, it's great. It's really cool that, you know, you could get in your car, you can be on the phone, you can be working on your computer, who knows, maybe you're high, maybe you're drunk and you don't want to drive. You know, we take the human error out of driving a car, and let's face it, I think the statistics for people that are killed in car accidents every year is horrifying.

I think it's in the, you know, up in the high, you know, 50, 60, maybe even hundreds of thousands. I should have the number in front of me, but I don't, but I think we all know it's extremely high and tragic. You know, from young college kids to babies, to old people, to everybody. It shouldn't happen where you go out to get some milk and butter and you never come back. Because you never know when a car accident's going to happen and take a life. It's so horrible. And not only that, but hit run driving and drunk driving and, you know, the list is endless, hitting animals. You know, so to have a car that takes all that off the table is pretty miraculous.

But here's where it makes me very sad. I told you, I'm a guy who loves road trips. There's nothing more freedom-like than jumping in your pickup truck. or your SUV or your convertible or whatever you own and just like going on a long drive and whether you planned it or you didn't plan it you just go you get away from your home you drive out into the country you get past the country you get out into nature you get into the forest you go into the mountains you go to the prairies you go to the desert you go to farmland you go wherever you go, man, there's nothing better than just poking along, taking back roads,

stopping to take pictures, stopping at a mom and pop diner, stopping at a fruit stand, you know, stopping to let family of deer walk across the road, stopping to jump in a river and go for a swim, stopping to fish, you name it, man. Stopping to make out with your girlfriend. Oh, yeah. and there is real beauty in the road trip there is real beauty in going for a nice long drive and so even though he's talking about cities taking driving away from you you know it'll probably spread and the minute that they start making rules about where you can and can't drive

it's just going to snowball and it's probably going to get to the point where you're probably you're going to have to have a permit or you'll have to file like a road trip plan with the department of transportation you know instead of just like sitting around the house on a Saturday afternoon with your girlfriend like I'm bored what do you want to do Cindy I don't know you want to just jump in the truck and like drive out to the country and pick corn and like make love in a hayfield don right or you're you want to go away for a weekend or whatever it is, I'm scared that that might be gone. 20 years from now, you're not allowed to just like improvise and just go roll out, go wherever

you want. And part of that fun is to just go somewhere. No one knows where you are. You're not beholden to anybody. You didn't tell the office. You didn't tell your family. You're out on the road. I can't tell you how many amazing road trips I've had

through the desert, through the mountains, through the forest, by the ocean, through the country, through the prairie. Oh, man, I'm the road trip king, man. I've been everywhere. And to know that that could potentially become regulated, I don't know. And maybe at that point,

I'm not really loving the whole, you know, autonomous vehicle because there's something I when I do a road trip I like the idea of wrapping my hand around that big old steering wheel I like pressing the dials on the radio I like flicking the high beams on I like stepping on the gas and let you know putting on the brakes and speeding up and slowing down and honking the horn and all that now I can see if you're just one of these nine to fivers and you got to sit at rush hour traffic every day. Oh, my God, an autonomous vehicle would be a godsend. It'd kind of be like getting on a subway or a train and just letting that take you to work, right?

What if you just wanted to jump in your car and go down to the drive-through, like five miles from your house, pick up your girlfriend, go get a milkshake? You know, just cruise through the neighborhood, do a drive button. No, no, hold on. Wait, no, I take that back. So there's obviously pluses and bonuses, but here's, this is the kind of the scary thing about technology. As much as we love it, as much as we're excited by it, by the iPhone and computers and the internet and Wi-Fi and all this stuff. Man, we're probably getting closer to a world where, for those of us that grew up with the freedom of just moving, around wherever we wanted being taken away is a scary proposition.

And what's scarier is future generations of kids are going to be born into a world where that's just how it works. When they pop out into the world, they pop out into a world where they don't get a driver's license. They don't get to drive themselves. Everything's done for them. They're just like, yeah, I'm going to go to the mall. They jump in a pod.

Take me to the mall. Blah-blah-blah-blah-b-gone back. There's a movie that came out, I don't know, about 10, 10-12 years ago with Tom Cruise called Minority Report. I would recommend you take a look at that to get a glimpse of a future city, which, you know, at the time it was made was very kind of sci-fi-ish and kind of, oh, yeah, right, way off in the distance. But you look at it again now, and you're like, wait a minute.

You know, you've got all these driverless, autonomous. I don't know if you'd call them cars, but they're like vehicles. They're almost like pods. And people would just jump in and out of them, and these things would like, you know, fly around on a track or a road. And they're all mastered by computers and sensors and GPSes. And no one ever drove them. And I don't know. It'd be kind of like, you know, if suddenly they had restaurants where you don't do your eating.

Imagine that. You go to a nice steak restaurant and, you know, you order a lobster. And instead of plopping a lobster in front of your plate, they put a little pill down and you eat the pill. Or they give you a little injection in your arm and your brain is fooled into thinking, oh, I just ate a lobster. And so you start to wonder if all these wonderful freedoms we have and all the stimulation that comes with them start to go out the window. So like I said, there's the ups and the downs.

It's all a little scary. Food for thought right here on the Harlan Highway. I was standing by the power lines and waiting for my gift to return. to me and that's how I became so powerful back then. Hello. Hello. Hey. I was just wondering if you ever swung a bean pickle at a canary park is six ways from

Saigon. Call me back. Thank you for calling Pegg Montgomery. This is Kay. How can I help you? Hey, I'm just calling you back. I got your message. Yes, sir.

I was just calling you back Someone left a message for me From over there voicemail Okay Was it possibly about grooming? It was kind of I don't know what it meant But someone left me

I don't know who it was But they said you ever swing a bean pickle On a canary carcass Six Ways from Saigon That message So I don't know It was a dude Was a guy

No sir I have honestly no idea What you're speaking about Well I don't I don't either because you guys called me, so I don't know, I don't even know what a bean pickle is. Okay, well, I'll get my general manager. Can you hang on real quick, sir?

Sure. Thanks so much. Oh, boy. Okay. Well, there we go. They hung up on me again. Boy, this is a real mystery. You know, maybe next show, I'm maybe going to give it one more try, but I've got to be

honest, I'm getting frustrated. I'm really having a hard time finding who wanted me to call. them back. So I can only do it for so long. In fact, the next, next show I think is going to be my last one. Ah, boy, this has been a mystery. But anyways, we'll keep plugging away. We always do. The scallop crawls out of the bacon and keeps going. It stays delicious regardless of the bacon. And we'll leave it right there. We'll leave it there with that mystery. It's always fun to leave on a cliffhanger, right, gang? But hey, before we go, don't forget to please, please, please get on your cell phone

and join the Harland Highway podcast. It's totally free, 100% free for the latest current 50 episodes of the show. And then if you want to get the remaining, check this number out, almost 700 episodes. That's a lot, folks. 700 episodes and premium content, meaning content that other people don't get to hear. It's just for you if you join our premium account. And that includes me doing a live stand-up. I just posted a really fun live stand-up performance from the Comedy Store in Los Angeles a few podcasts ago.

And, you know, I'm going to be posting my other podcast. Let's have a fight. All kinds of great stuff. So please join the Harland Highway podcast premium package, $20 for a whole year. It's redunculus, $20 freaking. And what that does, folks, it doesn't make me any wealthier. I don't necessarily need that money, but it would be nice to have that money to put towards the the podcast shows that I do and all the time and effort and materials that go into them.

You know, for the last six years I've been doing this, I've kind of just been doing it on my own, which is fine. I'm not asking for anyone to pay for it. I wanted to do it, but as we keep building the material here and keep trying to bring you guys more content, it does take a little bit of finances. So anything you can do to support, which would be $20 a year, We're very grateful, and in return, you get some great content.

You get double your fun, double your pleasure. So I hope you give that a chance. You can unsubscribe or cancel your premium package if you're not happy at any time, but I think you're going to be very happy. We're putting some quality stuff out there. So all you do, you get on your phone, go to your app store, type in the Harland Highway, and the app will come up, and you can get, like I said, it's totally free for the most current 50 episodes.

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You can pause stuff, you can call the show, you can write the show, all through the app. It's very convenient, very handy, probably the best place for you to listen to the Harland Highway. So we hope you get it. Please check it out. Also go to Harlanwilms.com. You can check out our store. We're starting to put new fresh items up there for the holiday season. I just put up a new fresh piece of artwork.

and those usually go pretty fast. I don't have time to do a lot of artwork, but when I do, I put it up in the store. It might be sold already. I don't know. But there's going to be some new hand-drawn t-shirts, all kinds of stuff getting ready for Christmas. So if you do get into shop at the Harland Highway store at Harlan Williams.com,

please, I urge you to get your orders in. sooner rather than later, because once we hit that 10 days away from the 25th, we can't guarantee that you'll get your merchandise on time to put it under the tree. So our cutoff time for deliveries to make it on Christmas is 10 days before Christmas. So get in there and get your fun gifts, T-shirts, books, CDs, DVDs, digital downloads, whatever. it's all there at harlem williams.com also you can write me uh from the site uh there's a contact page there or you can call me and leave a message like all these wonderful people do 323 739 43330 the number is on the website

and uh we hope to hear from you always a pleasure to hear from y'all so uh we'll keep it rolling uh we're getting ready for thanksgiving coming up we're going to be doing the thanksgiving Day parade with John and John. Just a whole bunch of fun stuff going on, gang. So that's it for today. Hope you had a blast. Keep on smiling. Don't let anything get you down.

Laughter is the best medicine. That's why we're here. Life is short. Life is precious. Suck it up. Enjoy every damn second. And until next time, chicken. Chalmy.

Baby! I come in with whom we shop around for tiny Asian yellow penis. since together. Exactly. Once more.