The Harland Highway - 716 - CINNAMON BOY returns. Dangerous cat in your house!

Episode Date: November 19, 2015

It's a pre-Christmas visit from Cinnamon Boy, yuck! Are there wildcats living in your house? The end of Bean Pickle. The tortured screams of hell. Smell my hell!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello there. Meow. Okay, very seductive and very creepy. Let's erase that from our memory banks. Hi, I'm Harlan Williams. You're on the Harland Highway podcast. I'm your host Harlan Williams as well as Harlan Williams. So I'm two Harlan Williams as in one.

Anyways, today we finally end the Bean Pickle phone call thing. I can't take it anymore. We're going to, it's a phone call we got from a pavement pounder. Today's the last one. Also, we're going to be talking to our old friend Cinnamon Boy, which I'm not happy about. This guy, I don't know what he wants, but apparently he's coming in. Nosey, annoying is all hell this kid. Also, did you know there's a wildcat living in your house?

That's right, a big jungle wildcat living in your house. And if you don't believe me, wait to you hear what I have to say about it. Also, have you ever heard a mysterious scream while you're sitting in a quiet spot? You hear a scream, a horrible, maybe a rape scream or a murder or something. Wait till I tell you about this. It's all coming down right now on the Harlan Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening?

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams You're a bad man You're a very bad man That is fantastic Okay, calm down Calm down

Easy Easy Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Hey, hey, whoa Pretty scary, right Yeah Well, what would you do if I told you there was a leopard

living in your house, a wild leopard. Would you believe me? Would you be scared? You better be. Because I'll tell you what there is. There might be a number of them living in your house. You're like, what the hell are you talking about, Holland? Do you cranked up on mushrooms or something, man?

What are you, you, you've been snorting Pam or something, the cooking spray? No, there's leopards in your house, okay? Trust me. Do you hear them? There's wild leopards. Oh, my God, in your house. Oh, God, run, run.

Oh, my God, run. Oh, my God, okay, enough. You know where they are? And this is disturbing. They're right under your head. The rate under your head when you sleep at night. You're sleeping on a wild leopard. Hear me out, okay?

This is borderline disgusting, but I want you to all check this out. Check out the facts. You ever take your pillow slip off, off your pillow, and you've had that pillow for a number of years? I think most of us keep our pillows for not only years, maybe decades. Who knows how long have you had your pillow? Flirtle Noggins and Blingledoggins? Yeah, I bet you've had it at least five, six years.

How often do you switch your pillow out? I know I don't do it that often. Maybe a lot of people don't do it that often, but here's what happens, and it's, oh, it's creepy. I took my pillow slip off, and what you're left with is just the raw pillow. It's like when you go to KFC and eat the skin off the chicken breast. You peel that yummy skin off and then you just got the brass underneath.

What's what it's like with a pillow? Underneath the pillow slip is the pillow. And guess what? If you've had it for a number of years, guess what you do at night, ladies and snortle snoggins? That's right. You drool. You drool at night. You're not a pig.

You're not disgusting. You're just a human being. And human beings, when they sleep, tend to drool. And guess where the drool goes? It seeps right through your pillow slip, which you clean on a regular basis. And goes right down through onto your pillow. Which you don't clean on a regular basis. When was the last time you said, hey, somebody throw the pillows in the wash?

Yeah, they're dirty. Can somebody wash the pillows on my bed, please? I don't think people really do that, do they? Have you ever washed your pillow? But when you think of it, it probably needs washing more than anything. I mean, you wash your pillow slips, you wash your sheets, you wash your blankets. How often does one ever wash their pillow? And so what happens when you take the pillow slip off?

You've got these drool stains all over your pillow, and they're round, and they're brown, and they're all over the length of the pillow, And they look like leopard spots. Oh, my God, oh my God. Oh, so scared, so scared to sleep. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Now I lay me down to sleep.

Oh, pray the leopard. Oh, it doesn't eat my face. Oh, God. Oh, I mean, we got snow leopards. We got spotted leopards. We got African leopards. We got pillow leopards, ladies and gentlemen. I'm telling you, man, you got golden spots of drool all over your pillow.

And if you don't believe me, go peel the Kentucky fried chicken skin off your pillow breast. Oh, my God. It's disgusting. I don't know why we don't change our pillows. It should be a thing like every year you should throw your pillow out and get a new one. You should send it to the dry cleaner. You should send it to the fire station and have them steam it. You should boil it.

You should put it out in the sun and let it bake. You should spray it with off. Who knows what you should do to your pillow? Who knows what kind of bacteria cocktail is in your pillow leopard? God, I'm getting sick just talking about it. it. I've got some kind of pillow leopard flu all of a sudden. I mean, it's crazy. There's a cougar in your bed, and it ain't one you picked up at the bar, ladies and gentlemen, or gentlemen. Now, there's some folks that say a cougar is just about the biggest mistake Mother Nature ever made.

200 pounds of tooth, claw, and trouble. But this is a story about one cougar that was different. Yeah, it's a pillow cougar. Ah, get out of the house, run, sleep under the bed, sleep on the floor, burn your pillows, get a rifle, shoot your pillows. There's a cougar pillow on the, a pillow cougar, a cougar, a cougar, oh, heavens to Murgatroyd, even. So there you go, I rest my case, if you don't believe me, and you have the courage, You know, put a safari team together, sneak into your bedroom, and make sure you do it during the day because cougars are nocturnal. If you go in at night and do it,

the members of your hunting party will be attacked and killed. Go in broad daylight, take a team, rifles, nets, tranquilizers, whatever you need. Grab your pillow, hold it tightly. pull the pillow slip back and be prepared to come face to face with your very own Cougar pillow

happens to Mercatroyd Stephen Hello Hello Hey I was just wondering if you ever swung a bean pickle at a

canary carcass six ways from Saigon call me back oh hey man I got your message thanks for calling my message I left me a voicemail so I was just calling you back okay what was it about I guess someone said you ever swing a bean pickle on a canary carcass six ways from Saigon I have no idea Never heard it. Well, I don't know. Did you leave it, or was it someone else? What in me? Oh.

I mean, is that who you are? No, I don't know even what a bean pickle is. Neither do I. That's a first for me. All right, well, I'll keep phoning around, man. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Wow.

You hear that guy just like, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know what, no, I said I'm going to keep phoning around. No, I'm done. Okay, I've phoned. One of you pavement pounders phoneed. You leave me this very important message.

I've been racking my brain. I lay away in bed at night, my head on my pillow leopard, staring at the roof, wondering what the hell the answer is. And you said, call me back, call me back. so I've been calling and calling and calling every week on the podcast and I can't find you. And I'm done. I'm sorry, you can't say I didn't try

whoever you are. I really, really, really, really, really, really tried to figure out if I've ever swung a bean pickle on a canary carcass seven ways to Saigon. Mm-hmm. And I want to call you and answer you and I guess I hope you're listening.

No, I haven't. there's my answer I've never done that I tried it three times once in the 80s and twice in the 90s and I sadly I was not successful and I don't think I'll be doing it again

so thank you for asking I'm sorry I didn't get through to you I tried that's the end of it so there you go if anyone else wants to call me 323-739 433 333 323, 739, 40, 330. Thank you for your calls.

Oh, bean pickle. Mm-hmm. Hello? Hello. Hey, Harlan, it's Alex. Hey, I forgot the cookies in the toaster. If you can just give me a call back at the laundry mat, and I'm doing the laundry.

I forgot the cookies in the toaster. All right, just give me a call back. Cool. Are you shitting me? Are you effing shit in me? A new guy now? And no return number? You left the cookies in the toaster at the laundromat.

Great. Holy, here we go again. You son. Oh! Not this show. Okay? I'm already, I've already been pushed to the limit. Son of a bitch!

Next show, I'll call the... God! Roger, play me a commercial. I need to settle down. Unbelievable. Mom? I've got to ask you something real personal. Do you douche?

I sure do. But I'm only with Massonville, vinegar, and water. Why Massonville, vinegar, and water? That's what my doctor recommends. For a naturally fresh fish. Only Massengill has two vinegar and water duches, pure extra mild and extra cleansing when you need it. You'll see how clean and fresh, Massingo makes you feel. Massengel, trusted by more women than any other brand.

All right, now that I've calmed down, let's do a little multiple choice, okay? Let me ask you this. Would you rather hear someone being murdered in an alley behind a Denny's screaming for their life? or would you rather go down to the pits of hell and hear the tortured screams of 20 billion lost souls? But which one would you prefer? The murder in the alley behind Denny's or in the pits of the fiery brimstone

hearing the screams of 20, 50, 100 billion lost tortured souls? well now you can have both and here's how um have you ever uh gotten a bottle of coke or Pepsi or some kind of carbonated beverage and you're just you know driving you've got the bottle in your cup holder in your car or you're sitting at your uh and on your couch and you've got the bottle on the coffee table or wherever you might have it you're someone of Relatively quiet. I mean, you're somewhere relatively quiet. You could be someone relatively quiet.

It would help for this exercise. And you're just sitting there with your bottle of Coke and the lid's on. For whatever reason, you put the lid back on, maybe because you were driving or whatever. And you just sitting there and joining your day, minding your own business, and all of a sudden you hear this.

Oh, God. Do you know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about? The soda scream? Right? You're just sitting there and all of a sudden it feels like you hear someone being attacked

in an alley and you're like, what the hell is that noise? What is that weird scream? I'm sitting here enjoying a cola and all of a sudden out of the corner of my ear I hear What did I just open the gateway to the depths of hell? It's like the screams of a billion tortured souls being pitchforked by Satan, for God's sake.

It's just horrible. Listen to that. It takes you a while to figure out what it is. You're sitting there like, is there a mouse? There's a bunch of mice in my house? Like, doing some S&M? Are there some bats having an orgy in my attic? What the hell is that?

Good Lord. Sounds like a bunch of people who went to hell getting pitchforked by Satan. But no, it's just my little. $1.20 bottle of Coke, but suddenly I'm in the depths of hell. God. Make it stop. Stop. Stop.

Thank you. God, you ever get that while you're just sitting there? And you don't realize it's your bottle of coke. And there's air pressure in the bottle, and it's something. leaking through the lid? And sometimes it takes you a while, right? Because you're not used to the sound, and it's kind of one of those high-pitched sounds

where you're not sure if you're even hearing it, but yes, like, oh my God, should I call the police? Are my neighbors being attacked and somebody being raped? Am I hearing a rape right now? No, I'm hearing a nice, refreshing ice called Coca-Cola. The farthest thing from a rape. I'm hearing a rapacola

It's very bizarre It's very mystifying But I'm on to it And I wanted to turn you guys onto it Because some of you might have sat through it And not even have known what it is Because it doesn't You know, it kind of goes on and off

Some of them are just quick And then some of them go for like 20 minutes And you still don't know what it is Well, now you do. It's a Coca-Cola rape scream. Horrible stuff. Just conjures up so much horrific imagery. So I hope I've schooled you guys.

I hope the next time you're sitting in your living room alone, relaxing. Maybe you just got home from the gym or a nice long walk. or maybe you're just, you know, you thought you'd have a little sip of soda before you drifted up to have a nap on your nice comfy couch and all of a sudden you hear this. Don't be alarmed. Don't call the police. Don't call a priest. You haven't accidentally suddenly gone to hell. You're not being tortured eternally for your sins. It's just a little air pressure escaping. Are you done yet?

Thank you from your Coke. So just undo the cap a little. Let the Coke get through its pain and then carry on. I'm glad I can help you with this little mystery. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Oh, no. No, no, what is he doing here? Roger, what are you doing here, kid? Hi, I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon. Oh, God. God what? God bless cinnamon? No!

What in the name of God are you doing in my studio, Cinnamon Boy? I'm Cinnamon Boy, and I love cinnamon, and I want everyone to know about cinnamon! Stop yelling! You're always yelling about cinnamon. Cinnamon, why are you here? Well, Christmas is coming, and I surely, surely, surely, surely want everyone to know to get cinnamon for their eggnog nice and early in case the stars run out of cinnamon! Stop it!

Do you have to yell? Do I have to yell what? Cinnamon! You just yelled it. I did not yell it. I heard you. You yelled, cinnamon! Stop it!

So you're here because Christmas is coming? Surely, surely, yes I am. Want to make sure everybody has nice Christmas eggnog and doesn't run out of cinnamon for their cinnamon eggnog because everyone loves cinnamon on their eggnog. I'm cinnamon boy and I love cinnamon. Stop it! Holy crap!

There's no need to swear in front of cinnamon boy. I'm just getting started kid you sure do have a dirty mouth you might have to watch it out with cinnamon stop it now I was getting ready to enjoy Christmas and you're starting to piss me off because you're in here talking about fresh delicious cinnamon that's right kid because I'm cinnamon boy and I love cinnamon stop it I need you to leave right now are you sure my message got through? Your message about the eggnog and the cinnamon? Yes, cinnamon boy. I'm sure everyone's got it, okay? Now kindly, get on your cinnamon stick and ride. I don't think I like your attitude. I don't think I like you, period. Why don't you go suck on a cinnamon stick? Because I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon. Shut up! Get out of here. Suck cinnamon!

What did you just say? Suck cinnamon! Suck cinnamon! You heard me. Shirley, surely, surely. Suck cinnamon! Get out of here. I'm leaving, but don't forget to tell your listeners

to get lots of cinnamon for their Christmas eggnog. Good, we got to get out. Out? Closer to the door. Out. Can I say one thing before I leave? Gee, I wonder what it'll be. I'm cinnamon boy, and I love cinnamon!

Get out! Holy crap, Roger! Never ever let that idiot in here again. He hasn't been around for a while and I'm happy. Holy God! I thought Crinky McRingles was a pain in the ass, but this guy, this guy's got a giant heart on for cinnamon!

Get out! Son of a, clock the door! Play another commercial, now I'm all fired up again. God! Holding out on your mother? What? You never told me Massingill douche has effectol. I just bought it. Only Massingill has effectol

for effective douching any time of the month. Massengill adds effector to all three fragrances for a clean, fresh feeling of gentle, effective duching. I've always liked Massengill's more comfortable slanted design, and only Massengill has effectal for effective douching any time of the month. Trust Massengill, the leader for 74 years. Well, I guess I have to talk about this topic, because sometimes people get mad if they find out too far after the fact. And, you know, if Cinnamon Boy isn't depressing enough, I guess I have to talk about this. Yes, it was my birthday. Last Saturday, November the 14th, the old man got a little bit older. I'm not going to tell you how old I am. Let's just leave it at 24. I'm in the 24 to 26-year-old range.

Somewhere in between 24 and 26. I might be 25. you know you're not buying it okay well in my head i'm 25 can we just leave it there obviously you can tell by the tone in my voice i'm not thrilled with the old birthday arama thing okay oh god it's such a it's such a it's such a funny thing a birthday because you know everyone around you all your friends and family want to celebrate it they send you cards and their happy birthday and another year and blah blah blah and you're like grateful for your friends and you love all their well wishes but inside you're dying you're dying inside because you're you're one year older and you're like oh god oh god and i wonder should people just

send birthday cards that are real hey man you know i really like it you know we're friends and i just want to say you look you're you're one year closer to death you're way closer to the end than you are to the beginning you know you got one foot in the grave almost but let's enjoy the time we have left you're a great guy i have fun with you you know sorry sorry that you're aging sorry that you're uh you got another year older but i guess as long as you're here we'll have some fun you want to grab lunch soon I mean, should birthday cards just tell it like it is? Because the other ones are a bit of this big cheery lie.

You know, the birthday cards are always full of bright colors and little cartoon characters and pictures of dogs with hats with a party whistle in their mouth. Well, another year looks like you're a cheery little fella. Another happy, here we go again. guy. Oh, boy. Gonna have the best day ever there, fella. Another great big year for you there, pali.

It's like, oh, God. And don't get me wrong. I love it that people even remember because, you know, nowadays, who even remembers? Most of the time, even your best friends and your family don't know at your birthday. Trust me, I'm guilty of that myself. I felt like a schmuck my whole life.

I'm horrible at birthdays So you don't want to tell people not to acknowledge it Because those rare few that do it It kind of feels good But part of you wonders if they should just share your pain with you It's like hey man Hope you like this birthday card You know I got it in bright colors

Just to try and deflect you know the misery you must be going through, you know, getting, you know, a year older and less life to live and, you know, these bright colors I thought maybe might distract you or just lighten your dark mood because you're, you know, you're getting so old and stuff. I mean, you're probably in that age range where, you know, they say once you get into a certain age range, you can probably, you know, guarantee yourself you're going to be in for some kind of surgery soon. I mean, you know, They say once you get in that cert and bracket, it's almost a given that you're going to have some kind of procedure, you know.

And by the way, I'm sorry about that weight you put on. I know as you get older, it's so hard to get it off. But hey, you know what? At least you're here. At least you can walk. You want to go for a walk guy? Happy birthday. Let's have the best day ever.

Let's me and you go for a walk if you're still able to. How about that? I don't know. I don't think I really want it to be honest, but it is a bit of a, it is a bit weird that everyone's dancing around you, and they say they're celebrating that you were born and that you're alive.

But at the same time, aren't people shining a great big light on the fact that you're just another year closer to death? It's so sad. But then I got, okay, once you're at the party and everyone's hugging you and giving you a little presents and telling you how great you are, I guess all that stuff kind of goes away. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. And I'll tell you what, one thing is you're grateful for all your friends, your family,

you're grateful, you're grateful for your life. I mean, if nothing else, your birthday remind you what a gift it is to be alive. but this aging thing is for losers. Anyone out there getting old loser? Getting old ain't fun. That ain't no present. So yeah, my birthday was last weekend. Here's what I did.

I went to my buddy Isaiah took me to a Los Angeles Kings hockey game. What a treat. That was so fun. the hockey game. We drove up to a Universal City. It's a big theme park in Los Angeles here in Hollywood. It's kind of like Disneyland. And they have a thing called City Walk that's full of restaurants and theaters and food places and all kinds of stuff.

And we had a big party up there like 40, 50 people, everyone having drinks and food. So there's that side to it where you get to celebrate and have a little fun. And I can't deny that it feels good, but boy, I wish there was a way we could just put a kibosh on this aging thing. And what sucks is I think they're going to be able to do it. Like, I think science is going to engineer a way to stop the aging process, to slow things way down so that people remain like 25 for like 80 years. And unfortunately, my generation, my group of people. are going to miss that curve, which kind of blows, because I could really use it right now, I'm telling you.

But I'm not that old. I guess I'm getting there, but I'm not telling you how old. Forget it. Let's just say between 28 and 26. How about that? No? Well, it doesn't matter. But I do want to thank all of you, many, many of you,

people I know, people I don't know, people who are fans in my work, people that may have just seen, you know, a posting on Facebook, people that I've met at shows, people that I've worked with. So many people posted a happy birthday to me on Facebook and on social media, and people sent me cards and shoutouts. And so I want to say sincerely a big thank you to all you people. At the end of the day, it does make you feel special. I'm just moaning and groaning because I don't like getting old. I'm being grumpy. I'm becoming that old guy that just gets frumpy and grumpy and rumbling and grumbling. I guess that's maybe why I don't like getting old,

because you become that guy, that old guy that just... Damn, birthday. So there you go. Just me blowing off some birthday steam. But sincerely, thank you from everyone who thought of the old man here who sent their well wishes. I do appreciate it. And in case I miss your birthdays, all of you listening, because I told you I'm bad with it. Let me get it out right now.

Happy birthday to all of you. And I think we'll leave the show right there on a nice positive note. all these people, friends of the show, wishing me happy birthday. Did somebody say it's their birthday? Oh, God. Happy birthday. Guess what I got you?

What? Cinerment! Because I'm cinnamon, boy. See that? I just slammed the door right in his face. Let's end it right here. Will I still have my sanity? So let's see, what can I tell you?

Don't forget to check out Harlemwilliams.com. We have all kinds of great gifts in the Harland Williams merchandise store. You can order comedy, DVDs, CDs, T-shirts, artwork, songs, digital downloads, all kinds of great stuff at harlidwilliams.com. So get in there, and please order your gifts early. As I've said, about 10 days before Christmas is kind of our cutoff point. We cannot guarantee we get your stuff to you on the 20. 5th if you order anything 10 days away from the big day.

So try and get your orders in early so we can get you your stuff. You can write us at harloweems.com right there on the page. There's a contact link. Also, you can call if you want to leave a message. 323-739, 43330. That's 3-2-3-7-3-3. The phone number is also on the web page. And please, please, please make sure you go on your phone and get the Harland Highway app.

It's so easy to do. You just go into your app store on your phone, type in the Harland Highway. You get the app for free. You get the most current 50 episodes of the Harlan Highway for free. And if you want the archived episodes of almost 700, it's $20 a year. Plus, you get all the premium member bonus material, which is another podcast I do called Let's Have a Fight, live broadcasts, live recordings of my stand-up comedy shows at comedy clubs all over the country, special interviews, all kinds of special stuff going to be coming up. $20 a year, gang, for all that content.

So I hope you can jump on board. And as I've said before, it also helps support all the work we do here at the Harlan Highway. So I'll thank you in advance for that. And please check it out. Coming up next week, I believe we're doing the Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Day parade with our commentators, John and John. and it should be a blast.

So that's all we got for today, gang. Hope you had a fun time. And until next time, chicken. Chalman, baby? Mm-hmm.