The Harland Highway - 718 - Harland joins TINDER. Question of the day madness.

Episode Date: November 26, 2015

Harland finally joins Tinder, wait until you hear how it happened. Also, the question of the day may help you not break your wrist, and I think Jerry Seinfeld might have called in. Wrist I'm pissed!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, happy Thanksgiving, everybody. Oh, yes, indeed. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for you. Thank you for being here. Let's give thanks for just being alive. Isn't it great? And today we'll be talking about more basic things. Last week, let's see, Monday's podcast was really the Thanksgiving podcast.

If you want to go back and hear that, we have the Thanksgiving Day parade and we talk more about Thanksgiving because we wanted to have that so it led up to it and not just dump it on you all the day of. We will play the Thanksgiving turkey song at the end of today's show, which is a tradition here. But today we're going to be talking about the question of the day.

It's going to involve something that we find in the kitchen when we're trying to prepare some food. We're going to have a few people arguing to us about the question of the day. Some people like it. Some people don't like it. And then we're also going to be talking about social media dating. Yes, I actually joined Tinder, and waity here how I did it. It was the most ridiculous way ever.

We're going to talk about the whole world of social. media dating on the Harland Highway. Where are I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams?

Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it shall leave. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing.

Not because they are easy, but because They are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Let's see. 200 pound minimum. What are you doing?

What are you doing in there? I'm trying to do the podcast. Just clicking around with my new account. What account? Tinder. You made a Tinder account for yourself? No, for you. What?

What? Yeah. Harland. No? What? No, Rod. Did you make a Tinder account for me? She's hot, so no.

And she is... What the hell did you put on there, you idiot? Pimples. She likes pimples. I don't like pimples. And Harry back. Delete it now And

Roger Howie Felttersnatch Get me off Tinder right now And sign up Roger Or

I'm going to say this for the last time Roger, you listening to me Gray hair a must Are you listening to me Balding Delete it now Idiot Idiot

It doesn't matter. I'm just going to delete it. Just delete. Can I get on with the podcast? I didn't come in and waste my time with you. Press your buttons in there and let's do this. I'll deal with this later. Good Lord.

So if you're on Tinder, I don't know how many of you are and you see an account by me. I didn't put it there. Roger did it as a. I don't know. What's wrong with you, man? Are you on Tinder? By the way, since we're talking about it,

we might as well talk about it. You know, there's a time, I think I first heard about this app maybe two years ago, three years ago, maybe. When it first came out, I had no idea what it was, and a buddy of mine told me about it. And I was like,

ooh, weird, creepy. You know? I still kind of thought match.com and all these, you know, these websites were creepy. And whenever I met someone that, you know, told me they met their wife or their husband on Match.com, I was like, oh, really? Good. That's not going to work. That's creepy. What are you nuts?

And in the span of about three years, four years since I started hearing about all this. social dating. It seems like the tide is turned now. Now it's almost like you're kind of an outcast if you're not on it. It seems very normal now. It seems very, it doesn't seem really taboo anymore. People don't seem to cower away from admitting that that's where they met each other. and, you know, it seems to be coming the norm.

And I think there's a lot more, you know, digital networking dating sites, whatever they're called. I can't even find the words. Digital networking dating sites, I call them. Whatever they are. The apps, the dating apps, okay, there. The online dating. it finally in the end.

But it seems like there's more and more of them. More people are doing them. And, you know, they kind of make sense, I guess, because they save you a lot of time and energy and money in the long run. We all have busy lives,

and I think, you know, the majority of people don't like to go out every weekend or every Friday and Saturday and stand in a busy bar. and look around and kind of wander up to someone and can barely hear them because the music's so loud and they're surrounded by their friends

and there's drunk people and you can be in the middle of like hitting on someone and then suddenly another guy walks up and interrupts your moves or even your own friends sometimes step on your moves. And so these dating apps seem like a very direct line to getting it done, whatever it is, want to do it. And you know, who cares if it's for marriage or for it, if it's a one-night

stand? I don't think people should judge because that's the way it is in the real world. If you go to a bar, you're either looking for a long-term relationship or you're looking for a one-night stand or a three-week fling or a four-month fling or who knows. The main thing, I guess, with these social apps is to make the contact, make a connection. Make yourself aware that you exist to other people. And I guess what's amazing about these apps is you can literally make yourself aware and be indirectly or directly in contact with people. You didn't even know existed or were alive. You're literally being seen by people that in your lifetime you would never run across them in real life.

You would never be in the same restaurant. You would never meet them. You would never say hello to them. And by getting on a dating app, you're throwing a much wider net. Because think of it up until now, most people in the history of humankind, they really had to be in proximity to the human being that ended up being their partner. Think about that. That's pretty drastic.

That's like changing the history of humans mating and coupling. In the old days, it was really a question of you had to bump into someone at a party, at a social function, at an event. You maybe got recommended by a friend to go on a blind date or whatever. You know, you didn't have access. to, you know, 600 girls in the next town that you didn't even know existed. You never would have met them. And now through this app, you know, based on how far you set your perimeters for dating,

like you can set it for a five-mile radius, a 20-mile radius, a 100-mile radius, whatever, you're going to tap into the men and women that are within that radius. based on where you are. So if you're standing on the corner of sunset and vine and you've got your radius set to 100 miles, you're going to be picking up images of women in a hundred miles circle from where you're standing. Good Lord.

That's unprecedented. We never had access to people like that before, before now. Just another way the incredible cellular telephone is changing the way humans function and interact and even find each other. It's pretty remarkable. And now that I'm part of it, thanks to Roger, I guess I can look forward to meeting all kinds of you ladies. Hey, ladies! And that's probably a turn on for you right there. just did so you'll you'll probably be lining up now that you heard that hey lady because that's

how i think it still works in my head loser um but anyways it's it's a pretty uh it's a pretty interesting phenomenon the dating app uh world and uh i think it's just getting going i mean you know it's not that old the dating app thing it's just kind of starting to, you know, evolve and become other things. I've looked through my phone. There's dating apps where you can go on dating apps that are just for sexual flings. You can go on dating apps that are for if you're looking for threesomes. There's dating apps.

If you're looking, you just want Asian girls. There's dating apps if you just want black girls. There's dating apps if you just want white people. I mean, there's a lot of stuff on there, man. And it's just getting, it's just getting gone. It's, it's a revolution, man. So as far as a feeling that it's a stigma to be on a social dating site via your computer or your cell phone or whatever, don't, don't let it slow you down anymore.

Don't get left in the dust. Don't be an old-fashioned, like, stick in the mud. I think it's very common now, and, you know, you can let go of your trepidation and all your apprehensions about doing this. And why am I saying this? Because now I am on it involuntarily, thanks to Roger. So now all I can do is get on there and say how great it is, I guess. because I don't want to feel like the weirdo in the back of the room that's afraid of it.

So I don't know if you go on Tinder or match.com or, you know, there's all kinds of them out there. And if you're curious, and this is if you're a man or a woman, if you're curious, just go on to your phone. And if you're not sure what you want, just go in the search thing. Just type dating.

apps. And you will see, you know what, I'm going to do it right now, and I'll tell you what comes up. All the different apps that come up. Let's see what the hell we can come up with here. I mean, I just named a few, and I'm going to see what kind of crazy, like, how specific. All right, so I typed in dating apps. The first one that came up is called flirt and hookup. Flukin, flirt and hookup dating app to chat with locals. Yeah, I'm sure that's what you want to do is chat with locals. Yeah, I just want to chat.

Here's another one. Plenty of fish dating app. Well, that's really kind of, that's a little demeaning. You know, what's the difference between plenty of fish and a pile of meat? Yeah, I'm on a pile of meat dating app. Here's one, pretty great, straightforward. Meet me. Well, not meat as in pile of meat, it's meat, M-E-E-T.

I'm surprised there's not one called Pile of Meet Me. Meet Me, chat, and meet new people. I think they've got to take the word chat out. I think chat is code, and pardon my French, for fuck. So it should be, the app should really be, Fuck me. Fuck and meet new people. Or how about fuck, fuck meet me, chat and fuck new meat. Boy, here's the next one. This is number three.

What's it called? It's just a heart. There's just a logo. It says black adult dating, live chat with local black singles. Here's one. Okay, Cupid, ZOOSK, Z-O-O-K, the number one dating app, it says. Listen to this one.

You might like this one. Hookup dating. Casual NSA dating. Find, I don't know what NSA. What's NSA stand for? Anybody know? NSA. Hookup dating is the new and discreet way to find hookups. FWB excitement and fun, but I don't know what some of this even means. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun. Liam Neeson. Buy your tickets now. I get a free chili dog.

Chili Dog, not included. The Naked Gun. Tickets on sale now. August 1st. Okay. So are you getting the idea here? Now here's one that sounds horrible. Coffee meets bagel. Good Lord.

That sounds like really, really bad. Coffee meets bagel. What's that meetup for a bagel and a coffee and chat? Who has time for that? Here's one. Single parent meat. M-E-E-T. So if you're a single parent, you want to meet other

single parents there's black people meet match.com mocha chat love dating interracial dating app badu meet new people chat and socialize

date hookup dating oh my god it just never ends there's tons of them on here hot black dating flirt meet new single Oh, here's one. Big and beautiful people. I mean, can we, can I be, can I cut,

how about fat people dating? How about fat date? How about that? I'm sorry, I'm just calling it as an interracial dating. Dating DNA Plus. What the hell's that mean? That sounds like scientific. E-Harmony.

Princess dating, makeup. Well, that's a toy for kids. High five dating. I mean, this is crazy, guys. Senior people meet. Good Lord. Ebony single mingle. Buzz twin dating app, I guess for twins.

I mean, this is getting really. so so i'm telling you there's just like tons of them in here you can you can find anything you want 69 positions light well that's not a dating service geez um so anyways it goes on and on and on and uh there you go now that i'm in it thanks to roger and by the way folks i didn't go on it on my own. No. What? No. Did you think I went on? No. Roger did it for me. Right. Roger? You put me on Tinder. I didn't go on Tinder, did I? No, you did it, Roger. Right? Right? So there you go. Good luck out there. Have fun. Whether you're looking to be married or have a, you know, a night of fun and frolic. It seems like all the barriers are coming down. All. All

All bets are off. All inhibitions are evaporating, and the world is your playground, boys and girls. Have fun. And I'm going to go take my Tinder profile down probably real soon, like rate, maybe not after the show, but probably I'll probably delete it like real soon, like probably, you know, in a couple of months when I, have time, like a year from now when I've had time and after I've had a lot of promiscuous nights at the Motel 6 and, well, no, I'm going to get rid of it. I'm not, I don't do Tinder. I'm not that type of, who do you think I am?

Anyways, Roger, stop laughing in there. Let's move on. Good Lord. Idiot. Ooh. The Harland Highway question of the day. Okay, here it is, and this one mystifies me. Maybe some of you guys have the answer. Why is it, and this is the Harlan Highway question of the day, obviously. Why is it that every now and then you get a jar out of your cupboard or your pantry or your fridge,

you get a fresh jar of pickles or salsa? or mayonnaise or whatever the hell it is, jam, jelly. Who knows what? Every now and then you get a glass jar and you try to twist the lid off it and you'd have better luck breaking into a bank vault. Am I right? That's my question of the day.

Why is it that every now and then they put the lid on so tight that even like Hulk Hogan couldn't take it off while he was high on steroids because you've got to figure if you've got a company that makes salsa or peanut butter or mayonnaise or pickles right you got to figure all the bottles and lids are going down the assembly line right the machine puts the lid on the same time every time the same way right lid lid lid lid lid lid jar jar jar jar jar jar lid lid lid lid lid so how is it that every now and then a jar gets sneaks through that the lid's on so tight and I got to I got to wonder

are the guys that work there having a practical joke are they like oh man let's let's put the Let's squeeze. Someone bring in the vice grips and someone gets some crazy glue and a hammer and a vice. And let's put crazy glue inside the lid and then let's, you know, put it in the vice and then hammer, hammer the metal right into the glass. And any fucking idiot that gets this jar is going to break their fucking fingers off trying to open these fucking pickles. dudes. I mean, we won't be there to see it, but we're going to fuck up their lunch, man, because they're going to make a nice sandwich, and they're going to put the, you know,

the meat and the mayo and the bread. They're going to have all their sandwich ready to go, and they're going to want to put a pickle on top of it. And along comes our fucking crazy glued, welded, fucking permacil, fucking high-pressure radiation. unsealable bottle of pickles to fuck their lunch up. I mean, what is it, man? Why?

And we know it's a fluke. We know it's an anomaly because, you know, we've been buying groceries our whole lives, haven't we, boys and girls? And 99.9% of the time it's like, we open our jars. of foods. Oh, raspberry jam. Oh, dill pickles. Oh, marmalade. Like anyone eats marmalade.

Or marmalade. They always open, but every now and then you get this thing that, holy God, you feel like if there was a nuclear war, the only thing that would sit out and survive would be like cockroaches, ants and your jar of smuckers raspberry preserves they'd all be sitting there in the nuclear snow even the cockroaches would be standing there shaking their fists holy fuck why can't we open you holy shit there's nothing left to eat on the whole fucking planet why did this fucking jar of raspberry preserves have to be sealed so shut you think that fucking mushroom cloud could

open it or something holy fuck we're all going to die Jesus Christ So there it is. That's my question today. If any of you have worked in a factory, if any of you have first-hand knowledge of this, even if some of you want to share a story about your hermetically sealed jar, if you have a nightmare story, feel free to call in and tell us about it. You know the number 323-739, 433, 3-3-3-739, 433-30. Why are some jars and bottles sealed so tightly they are impossible to open?

That is the Harland Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway Question of the day. Hello? Hello? Harlan, about your windshield or window wiper thing where it leaves that little spot where you can't see. oh yeah that happens well it did happen all the time basically it's because your wipers are wearing out and for whatever reason it seems to be always in that spot don't ask me why that happens but um they simply just wear out like at least every four months if you're using them a lot so very simply when it starts happening you just go buy some new wipers immediately because that's the only thing that will fix it. When I was in New Jersey, it happened all the time because we have winter, rain, all that crap.

But here in Arizona, I don't really use them that much at all. So maybe once a year I have to change them. But I'm going to give you a little tip. Go buy yourself some Rain X, R-A-I-N-X. and put that on your windshield like it tells you to on the outside. You put it on, you let it fog up, leave it, then you wipe it off. You can literally drive down the road in a rainstorm and never even use your windshield wipers.

The water will just beat off and you will see perfectly clear. You do that every three months with the rainex. But anyway, all you have to do is get some new wipers and how to solve your problem is just simply because they wear out. And for whatever reason, they wear out in the middle, probably because of the way they're shaped. Yes, it happened to me, or it did happen all the time. So that's basically what that is. Chicken, chow, meaning later.

Okay, see, this is why I have to ask these questions of the day to find out what causes them. And a previous question of the day is why is it that when your windshield wipers go on and off, a lot of times they leave a streak right in the middle of your window. It looks like a rainbow streak. And it turns out, according to this pavement ponder, that it's because your windshield wiper blades are old. But I don't know about that. I could see it if they're truly, truly old,

but sometimes I find, as I said, with my car, my car's six months old, and it's already doing it. And, P.S., I live in California, where I've probably used the windshield wipers like four times. So I don't know if the old theory holds up, but I get it if a windshield wiper is actually very old, older than six months, and used a lot. Yes, of course, the age thing makes sense.

But what I did not know about this, which is really maybe something good, is the, the bead X or whatever the hell it is, the window fluid, the rain X. Now, just so I'm clear, what am I supposed to do with the Rain X? Beed off. I'm sorry, what am I supposed to do? Beed off. Beed off? Beed off. Okay.

And how often? You do that. every three months with the Ranex? Wait, I'm confused with the Ranex. I do what every three months? Beed off. Okay, so let me get that. I'm sorry, I've never done this.

So I beat off with the Ranex. Yes. How do I do it? You put it on, you let it fog up, leave it. Okay, and then I... Beed off. Beed off, and then what? Then you wipe it off.

Okay, well, if you say so, I mean, I just kind of want a clear windshield, But if that's what I got to do, that's what I got to do. And that's why we do the question of the day, whether you like it or not. Hey, Holland, about your question of the day. You know, this is starting to sound like Seinfeld, I think. You know, you can imagine Seinfeld up there saying, Oh, what's up with this underwear leg?

you know I think the first caller got it right that no you're the only one who's that underwear leg nobody else and you know thankfully some have decided to come to your aid and pretend to have underwear leg, but, you know, I'm not sure that Seinfeld would ever do anything about underwear leg because it's not a mass problem. And as far as the windshield wiper thingy, yeah, I can see Seinfeld doing something on that but uh you know what's with this uh windshield wiper thingy um you know but the funny thing is i really didn't watch signfield um but anyway i'm getting kind of reminders here of what little i did see and uh anyway

I don't know what to say. But as always, enjoy your podcast and, you know, look forward to some of the premium content as well. And take it easy, Harlem. Bye. Well, this was an interesting phone call about the question of the day, about someone who said that nobody gets underwear leg, yet I've got, like, tons and tons of calls about people with underwear leg.

a call from a person who says the question of the day is starting to sound a lot like Seinfeld, even though the person saying it sounds like Seinfeld admits that they never watch Seinfeld. The funny thing is I really didn't watch Seinfeld. Now, we all know I love a guy or a girl who's an expert about something they know nothing about. That's always a sign to me that someone's in the know.

when they comment on something that they have no experience with. But, you know, for nothing else, no other reason than to play this call, even though this listener, Brian, never ever watched Seinfeld, I find it remarkable for a guy who never watched it, this guy nailed down the Seinfeld impression like, probably better than any impressionist I've ever heard. I mean, you got, did you hear his Seinfeld?

I mean, I'm, I actually thought Jerry was on the phone with him. Listen to this Seinfeld impression. What's with this windshield wiper thingy? Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Is that, is Jerry there with you?

That's got to be Jerry Seinfeld. Do some more, please. Oh, what's up with this underwear leg? Whoa, there's no way this isn't. Jerry Seinfeld calling because this impression's too good Jerry is that you I love the way you're playing the whole

I never watched Seinfeld that was a great decoy Jerry that you do your do your voice again we everyone listening loves you when you do your your voice what's with this windshield wiper thingy

ha ha ha ha oh my god don't stop more more more oh my god more Oh, what's up with this underwear leg? Oh, my God, is it any wonder you had, like, a hit show, a number one comedy show on the air for, like, what was it, 12, 15 years? Please, just a little more. You are killing me, man. What's with this one-shell wiper thing?

Stop it, Jerry, I can't breathe. Stop it. Oh, what's up with this underwear leg? Oh, my God. Do you rehearse this stuff in front of the mirror, Jay? I mean, what do you do to make yourself so funny? Beed off. Oh.

Okay, well, maybe I didn't need to know the answer to that. But anyways, listen, whether you like the question of the day or you don't, I'm going to keep asking them because, you know, there's people that have great stories and there's people that, you know, couldn't give a flying. But, you know, maybe this is for me. I need to know, like the underwomen. like thing. I needed to know that I wasn't the only loser that did it, and all

you great pavement pounders that called in and gave me your stories, you made me feel like I belonged, like I wasn't an outcast. So I appreciate it. And I'm going to leave it right there on a high note. If you want to call and respond to the question

of the day, or if you just want to leave a comment or whatever you want to do, you know the number. It's 323-739-430s. 323-739, 4330, or you can write me at Harlanwilliams.com on the contact link. And if you can't remember that phone number, just check it out. It's at Harlandwiliams.com. Also, while you're there, check out the Harland Highway store at Harlanwilms.com.

Please get your Christmas orders in early. We have like a 10-day cutoff period before December 25th. If you don't order before then, you might not get your merch before the big day. So try and do it early so you have no regret. But please call, leave a message. I love to hear from you. It can be about anything you want. You don't talk to anyone.

It's just a voicemail. So feel free. Don't feel inhibited. You can talk about whatever you want on the message machine. Also, please, I want to give a shout out to the people that have been signing up for the Harland Highway app. It's totally free. And I want to give an extra shout out to the people that have been subscribing to the premium member feature. Oh, my God, we're having so much fun.

All you other pavement pounders are missing out on all the premium bonus material. And again, I'm not shortchanging anything on the main podcast. Trust me, you guys always. always get the top-notch that I have to offer. But if you join the premium membership, which is only $20 a year, and the money goes to help run the podcast here and all the work we're doing here, for $20 a year, you get all the archived episodes, plus all the premium stuff. You're going to hear me taped live at comedy clubs all across the country.

You're also going to get my other podcast called Let's Have a Fight. We just posted the second episode where we had three epic fights, and we already have the next episode of Let's Have a Fight podcast coming up very soon. So you're missing out on a lot of great bonus material. And for 20 bucks a year, folks, believe me, it's worth it. There's nothing that cheap in this life. and I don't want to gouge anyone but at the same time

we're trying to set the bars so that if everybody joins up we get a little bit of money and it adds up and it helps run the show here so 20 bucks a year we're very appreciative if you can get on board and outside of us being appreciative

you are going to get amazing content if you join the premium thing on the app but if you don't want to just get the app for free and you can listen to all the uh all the harland highway episodes the the 50 most current episodes on your phone and uh the app's really cool just go into your app store on your phone and type in the harland highway and download for free uh and thank you everyone for whether you're getting the premium or the free again thank you from the bottom of my heart for uh for doing it again everything we do here is for you guys uh so uh thank you thank you thank you um what else

can i tell you i don't have any more shows uh until uh next year we're getting close to the end of the year so um so uh yeah it it'll be uh in the new year 2016 where i'll let you guys know when my new touring schedule is up and uh we will uh go from there so uh Thanks for being here, everyone. I hope you have a very, very, very, very nice Thanksgiving today. And if you want to hear our Thanksgiving Day parade, don't forget, you can go back one episode, and you can hear that. So there you go, Flirtle Nurgens and Gerbel Gloggins.

Happy Thanksgiving, and until next time, chicken, chau me, baby. turkey, comea, comea, comea, goa, goa, goa, guble, give thanks. The pilgrim and his flock, ro, roo, roo to clammy and fry to eat turkey. Comea, cuba, comea, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, goa, cawga, turkey. Go-go-gob-gob-gob-gob-gob-gob-gap-gibled at his feast. Young, young, young, young, eat a bird-beast. It got turkey. Go-g, go-g, go-g, go-g, go-gaw-g, go-g, go-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-gha-chchchoo-chchchchi.

Cable, come, come, gobble, gobble, give back. Dequil grow, and their whites, slice, slice, slice it, slice it with their night. They caught turkey. Gub, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo, go go to turn me. It's nice