The Harland Highway - 721 - A Rabbi calls the show to talk CHANUKAH. Xmas songs.

Episode Date: December 7, 2015

A Rabbi calls the show to talk about Jewish holidays. A favorite Xmas song is played on today's show. Xmas lights and driving miracles. Light my Lite Brite!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have a holly, jolly Christmas. It's the best time of the year. Yes, it is the best time of the year, isn't it? It's one of them. Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody. Happy holidays. Getting into the festive season here, it's awesome. And in order to kind of get into it more,

We're going to be playing a popular Christmas carol on the show today, one that I do every year as a custom here. Rudy Carsoni will be here to sing Snowballs, a favorite of mine. Also, we're going to be talking to a rabbi on the other side of the holiday coin. Rabbi Pappenheim will be calling in to discuss the Jewish holidays with us. get a perspective from the Jewish side of things from that community. Also, a little slice of heaven, a little piece of Christmas miracle happened to me recently. And I got to share it with you.

I think it might have happened to you guys at a certain point in your life. But I can't wait to tell you about it. I was so happy. And then also I put my Christmas lights up. And I want to talk about how much that means to me. So get your helmets on. This is the Harland Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is found. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening.

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hey, Roger. Yeah.

Are you, can you fix the AC in here? I think it's like 90 degrees. I'm sweating in the booth here. I know. Harland. What do you mean you know? 95 degrees, actually. What did? Did you do this on purpose? The heater's on, right?

Change the, turn the freaking AC on, you idiot. Oh, I'm sorry. It's in my studio, and I can't reach it. Roger! John! And guess what? What? And get that smirk off your face. I'm wiping the slurpy. It's nice and cool. It's refreshing delicious. Turn the air conditioning on. The guy has the heater on. Go to a bit.

Comfortable in here. My studio is comfortable. Stop it. Hello. Hello. Conalingis. Conalingis. Conalingis. Conalingus. Conalingus. Conalingus. Conalingus. Conalingus. Conalingus. Conalingus in the night. Charles Mingus played the bass Cunnelingus in your face

Conallengus, Conallengus, Conallengus, everything is all right. Tonight. Okay, good to know. Thank you very much for that, then, caller. Not really the best song I've ever heard, but, you know, speaking of songs, it's that time of year, right,

where you want to hear Christmas songs. Let me see. Christmas songs, Kahnolingus songs. I mean, they both start with C. Christmas, Kondolingus. Let's go with Christmas. Every year, when I do the podcast, I always play one of my favorite Christmas songs

by my buddy Toby Huss, aka Rudy Carsoni. Toby does this kind of Frank Sinatra Lounge Singer act. character who's kind of very blue and inappropriate but does some great Christmas carols and every year

I play this one I hope you like it as much as I do it's Rudy Carsoni and the Christmas classic Snowballs Yeah it was this time of year About a year ago I think around the holiday seasons And I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back

She'd been gone a couple weeks you see So I had a couple dozen hot tauties just so, waiting for her there. Huh. Finally, the door opens up. Rudy! Hey, baby, it's been a while. Take off the dress.

She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree? What do you mean? What tree? It's Christmas Eve, Kazoni. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June.

She says, that's it. That's it, Rudy. I'm leaving you. I've had enough. I can't stick no more. I found another guy. I'm gone. Hold on, baby.

What do you mean? on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me? You found another guy? Who is this Joe? What's he got that I don't got? Well, he's really cute. Baby, it's me. It's Rudy. He's got a short red suit. I know I ain't no beauty, but if you squint your eyes when the lights are low, you got one's well-looking skinny day go. Kids love him to boo. Was this more than a date? He's got a sackaloo. No, you little ain't great. Well, yesterday you're my lip smacker. Now you're a sugar plum, Nutcracker. I did not forget Christmas. No, I hunts a mistletoe in my pants. Pack her up! There's snowballs like mine. And there's snowballs like the ones you're leaving behind.

You're gonna miss my back, spackling, crackling hot. You'll log. Wax nostalgic for my steamy holiday nog. He's jolly and bad. Yeah, who is this pet? Steets are rosy and red. Oh, I should have guessed. Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough. You ho-ho, snow-blowing, ho-ho-ho. Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy. Blow it out your dingle.

Don't go getting snooty. Oh, so you bag the cringle. So long, but don't forget, my dear. Oh, fat so comes but once a year. There's snowballs. They live up in the cold. I like these. I love his big North Pole.

They jingle, jingle, jingle down below my knees. You're going to miss roasting in the my mouth. chestnuts oh yes ma'am good luck without my pink honey glazed holiday ham because there's snowballs like mine there's snowballs like these twins you're leaving behind and there's snowballs oh there's snowballs oh there's snowballs Bells like those nutty knocked-out nuts or cuckoo stones you're leaving behind. Dear Santa Claus, thanks for nothing. P.S. Could you possibly bring me a new bra? Or, if not, I don't know, toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something.

A couple of your little helpers. If they help you, they can help me, pal. Oh, there it is. You truly know it's the holidays when Rudy Carsoni, as portrayed by Toby Huss, hits the Harland Highway. If you want to get the whole CD, please look up Rudy Carsoni snowballs on the interwebs, and you can order your own copy of the whole album. I think there's 12 or 13 songs on the whole CD, and they're all just as funny. produced well sung they're just really great we'll play some more of uh rudy's hits as we get closer to the big day here um and uh and uh i hope you enjoy hearing from him now let's talk about

give me give me some feel good music roge let's let's talk about this next topic and this is going this is one of the things that makes you feel the best in the world what I'm about to take you give me some feel good music rodge come on oh yeah that's it that's it right there oh feels so good doesn't it feel good i'll tell you why it feels so good here's what i'm talking about what feels so good bring it down roj i got to focus when you're oh this oh i love this this happened to me just the other night and i'm still i'm still over the moon about it can you hear it in my voice i'm so elated When you're driving your vehicle, your car, your truck, whatever, on the surface streets, through the city, through your town, and you through some miraculous Christmas miracle or some kind of hand of God, some incredible twist of fate, some ingenious stroke of luck, somehow, some way you hit.

every green light when you're driving. Let's say you're going from point A to point B and that point is six miles or four miles or 12 miles or two miles, whatever it is. And somehow, miraculously, all the planets line up and you go through green light after green light, after green light, after green light, and you're just like, oh my God, this is amazing. I'm actually driving. I'm not losing any momentum. I'm, oh my God, you almost start to feel like you're like in a race car and you're like burning through the streets and nothing can stop me, man. I'm on a roll, baby. I'm on a roll.

Wow. Wow. Woo. Yeah. I'm going to get to where I need to go really, really fast. Yee ha. There's another green one. Oh look, there's a red one up ahead I'm gonna lose my streak No way Oh it turned green just before I got there Yeah I'm through another one Yes

Oh my God does it feel good It just makes you feel like This is what driving should be like This is what it would be like If nobody else was on the road This is what driving would be like If I owned this city Oh, isn't it a good feeling?

Just whip... Put the music back on, Rod. Just whipping. Cruising. You almost wish you had a convertible with the roof down and you're just cruising through green light

after green light. It's almost like the lights don't even exist. La-de-de-de-dee. La-da, hello, everybody. You're just waving out your window as you go. It's almost like you're in a parade. La-de-de-de-look at me. Oh, there's a little.

another green Lee-de-de-dee. Hello, all you suckers sitting at the red light going the other direction. I'm just going to wail on through this intersection. But wait, not just this intersection. This is the 45th intersection I've wailed through without stopping.

La, la la la. Hello, you peasants. Oh, God. It is heavenly, man. It is heavenly. It's rare. It's rare. Oh.

And then the only problem is, it's like you get to the restaurant and it's like, geez, where the hell's my date? Why isn't she here? Oh, wait a minute. I have an hour and 25 minutes early. Oh, my God. Oh, Christ, those green lights. I was planning to sit in traffic for an extra hour and 12 minutes.

and now I'm here. God, I'm here an hour and 45 minutes early. Damn it. Damn you, you green lights. Screw it. I'd rather get there an hour and 45 minutes. I love the green lights. Oh, so fun.

And the more you do it, the more, like I said, it becomes like a game. You're like, ooh, am I going to make it? Am I going to make it? Is that one going to turn green? Is that one? Ooh, there's a red one up ahead. Oh, it just turned green. I'm still on my roll. Oh, it's heavenly. It's just heavenly. So I hope

the same Christmas miracle befalls you as it did me just the other night. I could almost hear jingle bells in the background. I was like, God bless us, everyone. The lights are all green. It's going to be a wonderful Christmas this year. All the lights are green. Jing, ding, jing, jing, jing, jing, jing, jing. Unbelievable. So get in your car and hope for Christmas for you this year isn't red and green. It's just all green. What? Who's on the line?

Why is he calling here? Rabbi Pappenheim? All right, put him... Oh, right, it's the Jewish holiday. It started yesterday, right? Okay, yeah, okay. Put them through. Folks, we have Rabbi Pappenheim,

a rabbi from the community, a Jewish leader. And it sounds like he's calling. through to talk about the Jewish holidays here. Hello, Rabbi Pappenheim. Are you there, sir? Hello, Holland. I'm doing great, Rabbi. Thank you for calling into the podcast. Well, if I wouldn't, it's the holidays for celebrating, and I thought, why not celebrate, why not spread the Jewish celebration with everybody, all your leash and else? Absolutely, sir. It's a very festive time of year.

And, uh, well, last night was a very, uh, you know, important, uh, day for, uh, the Jewish community. Absolutely. It was, it's a wonderful day. I'd shunned down last night, uh, became the first day of Chewbacca. Uh, sorry, sir? Your, like, last night, just since the sun went down, became the very first day of Chewbac. Everybody's celebrating all the Jewish families. They all celebrate the Chewbacca. Did you mean Hanukkah, sir?

No, I'm talking about the Jewish holiday, the Chewbacca, we light the seven candles, we put them in the window, et cetera, et cetera, didn't that right? Well, I don't think that is right, Rabbi, I think what you mean, you, I don't want to tell you you're misspeaking, but I think what you're trying to say is Hanukkah. Well, are you Jewish, Mr. Williams? No, I'm not Jewish. Okay, well then why are you telling me what day it is? I'm a rabbi, I mean a Jewish rabbi for over 30 years, and I get you a pasty-faced white Christian boy telling me what the Jewish holiday is? Well, Rabbi, no, I'm not telling you, but I just thought maybe you confused your words.

I think you said, it's the Jewish Chewbacca and... Yes, happy Chewbacca to you. No, you didn't let me hear me. finished, sir. It's happy Chubalka, Mr. Williams. What are you want me to say? I think you mean happy Hanukkah, Rabbi. Well, if you're going to change

the words around, Mr. Williams, I don't know what to tell, but happy Hanukkah! What the hell was that, sir? That's what we do. All the Jewish people, on happy Chubaka, they get around the house,

they stand around the menorah, They make the Chubbacca carols. Chewbacca carols? Well, Mr. Williams, I mean, you're not the only fate that has special songs at the special time a year for crying out loud. Who is this guy? Well, no, I mean, I know we have Christmas carols, sir. Yes, and just like you are the Christmas carols, we've got the Chewbacca carols. I've never, no, I don't, I've never heard of a Chewbac carols.

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Rabbi, if you could just stop that, I don't think that. Would you mind letting me finish it? Would I interrupt you if you were singing Jingle Bell's flush? He's got a snowman. Why would you interrupt the Chewbacacero? Sir, I really... Sir, rabbi, please. Okay, well, there you go again, interrupting the Shubaka Carol. I don't know why you would do that. What's with this guy?

Well, I don't understand what is this guy. When you keep saying this guy, do you mean me? Yes, I mean you. That's who I'm talking to. I'm not talking to anybody else, am I? Sir, I can. Can I just say Happy Hanukkah? Well, you could say it, but why wouldn't you just say Happy Chewarker

the way everybody else does this time of year? What is with this guy here? Sir, I'm not a guy. I'm Harlan Williams. I know who you are, but do you know who I am? I'm a Jewish rabbi, okay? We have celebrating at Sundar, the Happy Chewbacca, and you're telling me, like, I don't know my own religion, my own culture. I mean, who is this guy?

Sir! Can you not? Sir! I can you not? But I interrupt you in silent night? But I interrupt you in the holy town of Bethlehem. Here you go, I'm not... Sir!

I think maybe you're a little mixed up and we might have to just leave it at that. Oh, so now I'm mixed up, so maybe the Jews, maybe Hitler was right. Is that what you're telling me? Not, sir, do not go. Don't play the Hitler card. Perhaps maybe you would be more happy if I sang a German, some kind of German military salute or something like that. I mean, who is this guy here? Sir, I did not mention Hitler, you did, and I think that's wrong, and especially at the beginning of Hanukkah. It's not Hanukkah, okay? I'm trying to tell you it's Chewbacca. Happy Chewbacca. Who is this guy here? It's me, Harland Williams. Well, you've got everything wrong. It sounds to me like maybe, you know, and I don't like to throw this around, but it sounds like maybe you're like, you know,

Hitler sympathizer. I'm not a Hitler sympathizer, sir. You called me. I didn't call you. You are getting the name of your own holiday mixed up, and it has nothing to do with Hitler. Oh, there you go again. Why don't you just come out and say, Heil Hitler, huh? I'm a rabbi, and here you're in the middle of the happy Chewbacher,

and you've got to bring up Hitler, the man that's slaughtered or... Sir! I'm not having this. conversation. We're not going into this. Nobody wants to hear. We were well aware of the horrific things Hitler did in the war. Come on. Well, you know, you won't let me sing my song. You won't, you know, you won't acknowledge my happy Chewbacca. You keep cutting me off. I'm trying to sing. Are you going to let me sing of you? Now, you're not going to let me sing. Who is this guy here? Sir, if it makes you happy, go ahead and

sing a Chewbacca carol and we'll just leave it at that finally it's like finally the Titanic came home to the shore I mean good God it's it's like pull and teach from a walrus this guy who is this guy sir would you just sing Roger, hang up on him. Wait a minute, I heard you say that. I heard you say hang up on me. Now that's the type of talk that Hitler would say. Hitler's the type of guy that would hang up on me in the middle of a chupor.

Who is this guy who would hang up on me? Roger? Hang up on him! Good Lord. It was ridiculous. You're telling me that was a bona fide, legitimate rabbi? Happy Chewbacca, Rabbi Papenheim. What a joke.

Where do you find these people, Roger? God. Anyways, let's get on to something else. all my Jewish listeners. Happy Hanukkah, okay? It was, it started yesterday at sundown, and obviously this caller was completely off base. Maybe he's caught up with the new Star Wars movie coming out. Could that be it? I don't know. And speaking of which, I'm, boy, oh boy, they're really starting to milk down the whole Star Wars thing, man. I'm sorry, but I'm, I'm starting to see like, you know, commercials for subway and commercials for toys and commercials

for this and that. It's like Star Wars is like dialed into everything. And it's almost starting to put a sour taste in my mouth. It's like, well, come on, man. This is an epic movie about a, you know, a space opera, a space story, good versus evil. And suddenly I'm watching like a vagusal commercial with C-3PO and Darth Vader? Let me ask you something, C-3-P-O. Yes, please. Go ahead, Darth Vader. Is your vagina shaped? Is it red and itchy?

I say, Lord Vader, it is rather itchy and swollen lately. Use the vagusil, C-3-P-O. Use the Vagicil. Ooh, I say, Lord Vader, that does feel nice. Ooh, ah, ooh, I seem to be moving around, whatever. I mean, come on, man. Like, I'm really looking forward to seeing this new Star Wars, considering the last four they did sucked ass.

I don't know how many you enjoyed the last round of Star Wars, the ones with Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor, and oh my god they were they were they were torturous to sit through they're all soap opera and really heavy and they seem to lose all their sense of fun and adventure it was really like watching like a sat you know an afternoon soap opera on one of the networks like general hospital or uh days of our lives god I hated them, man. So hopefully the playfulness and the coolness will come back into the new Star Wars.

But please, can you ease up on all the commercials and the endorsements and the merchandising tie-ins? Because by the time I get to the movie, I'm just going to be thinking, eh, I already saw the movie. It was a subway commercial. So enough already. Maybe at least wait till the movie's been out for a little bit. You're killing me, Larry. Your Star Wars commercials are free.

You're killing me, Larry. So anyways, I hope it's good. I certainly hope that Chewbacca isn't singing any Chewbacca carols. Jeez. But on a lighter note, hey, I put my Christmas lights up. that. I know I always talk about that every year, but I got to tell you, there's something really nice about it. Here's the fun part. Here's the fun part of putting up the Christmas lights. It's a two-part deal. Because normally you put them up during the day, right? It's

sunny and it's bright, and you know, you know technically you've put them up. And there's kind of this joyous feeling inside. Oh, I'm putting my Christmas lights up and they're so pretty. And It's this special time of year, and they're all different colors. And, you know, because think of it. Usually our homes are pretty drab, right? Your homes are usually a basic color, white, brown, beige, mauve, dark green, whatever. And they're never bright and flashy your homes, unless you're like an artsy-fartsy person who paints your house purple.

There's always one of those in the neighborhood, right? But outside of that, homes are pretty kind of standard colors and kind of drab when you think about it. And then once a year, you like just fill them up, you splash them up with all these great colors, purples and blues and oranges and greens and yellows and reds and off. And so the second part of the equation when you put up your lights is as the sun slowly goes down, And it gets dark, you get to run outside and look at your lights and it's a whole second level of joy because you're like, oh my God, look at the lights filling up the darkness, the colors, the blues, the yellows, the oranges. And it just gives you that glowing, nice, warm feeling. And then when you see neighbors do it, you feel kind of connected to them.

It's like, oh, hey, I put up colored light, my neighbor put up colored lights, my other neighbor put up colored lights. My other neighbor put up, we're all kind of on the same page here. For the first time this year, I'm actually feeling kind of neighborly because we all did something in unison that kind of feels like neighbors did something together. Because you know how it is nowadays. Whoever talks to their neighbors anymore, right? Since when did neighbors do anything anymore?

So when you see the neighbors put up the colored lights and you've got them up and then you go down the street and 10 other neighbors have them up. There's like, oh, yes. We're all kind of feeling the same good things all this time of year. So it's really cool. I like it, man.

I like it. So my lights are up. I'm feeling good. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Chewbacca. Easy.

Use the vagusil, Chewbacca. I say it worked for me, Chewbacca. I know it burns, Chewbacca, but use the vagusil. Trust Lord Vader, it really works. I think even R2 used it. Didn't you R2? There, you see, R2's little vagina, okay. Enough.

God. So I hope you get to put some Christmas lights out. That's the only thing I guess with Hanukkah is I don't think that during Hanukkah you put colored lights out, although I could be wrong. For some reason in my head, I'm thinking of the colors blue and white. Maybe people of the Jewish persuasion put up blue and white decorative lights. I think that's a possibility. And if so, I bet you guys have just as much.

fun as us when we put up our colored Christmas lights. So we're getting it into it here, guys. And don't forget, if you want to talk to Wally the Christmas elf, if you want your kids to get a direct line to Santa Claus, if you listen to a last podcast, Wally the Christmas elf, we called them up in the North Pole. And if your kids want to put in a toy request or ask any questions, Questions about Christmas.

We have a direct line to Santa's workshop with the head elf, Wally, the Christmas Elf. So please put your kids on the phone. Here's the number, 323-739-43-43-3.3-3-3-3-3-3. Have your children, get on the phone, and leave a message for Wally the Christmas elf. And hopefully Wally will be able to talk to you. and answer all your questions and talk about Christmas and all that great stuff, okay? Okay, parents, so put your kids on the line. That's 3-2-3-739-43 to get through to Wally the Christmas Elf.

And we'll be playing back those calls probably the week of Christmas just before the big day so that the kids can kind of get a bead on what Santa's thinking, how Santa reacted to your phone calls, all that great stuff. So it should be exciting. I wish when I was a kid I had a direct line to Santa's workshop. And now you do Wally the Christmas elf. Put your kids on the phone. 3, 2, 3, 3, 739, 43330.

And I think that's a good place to leave it right there, isn't it? With the kids? Isn't Christmas about the kids? No, it's about all of us. I don't care. I'm just a big kid at heart. I still love Christmas. It's my favorite time of year.

Well, I don't know if it's my favorite time of year, but it's my favorite, like, holiday time of year. So, because I love summer. I got to admit, I love me some summer. Don't forget, if you want to buy presents at harlonewilms.com, we have all kinds of hilarious T-shirts. I have a whole bunch of new T-shirts that are hand-drawn. I do hand-drawn t-shirts a few times a year.

I actually draw right on the t-shirts with colored sharpies. They're $65 a shirt. They sell out real quick. So if you want one, you better go into the store and look. They're one of a kind, and that's why they're so expensive. A, because I hand-draw them, they take me a while to do. They're Harland originals, and I don't make any copies. you have the one and only print original.

It's like wearing an original piece of artwork on a t-shirt. They may be sold out by now. I don't know. I just put them up. So if you want to grab one, get in there quickly and get your order in. And if we don't have one, there's a lot of other stuff in the store, DVDs, books, music, digital downloads, all kinds of stuff. more t-shirts, other t-shirts. And we want to make sure you get your order in early

so we can get it to you before the 25th of December. If you don't get it in 10 days prior to the 25th, we cannot guarantee it'll get to your door on time by the 25th. So if you're thinking about it or you want to browse around, look for some fun Christmas ideas for your friends and family, harloweems.com. While you're there, you can also look at you. leave a message. It doesn't have to be about Wally the Christmas elf. 323739, 43330. You can also

write me. There's a contact link there. You can write to the webpage. I read all the emails personally. And I love hearing from you guys. Also, don't forget the Harland Highway app. It's on your cell phone. Just go to your app store. Type in the Harland Highway. It We'll take you right there. It's a free app, and you get the latest 50 Harland Highway episodes, the most current ones. And if you have an extra $20 bucks in your pocket, you can join our premium membership. $20 a year where you'll hear all kinds of bonus stuff, including my complete other podcast called Let's Have a Fight where celebrities and comedians have verbal throwdowns. and it is a ton of fun, man.

Let's Have a Fight 3. It was just posted. It was nasty, dirty. It was with Samantha Phillips. He's an adult entertainment star. And man, did that one ever get out of control? So please join the premium membership. And that's it, man.

We are going to leave it right there. and I hope your holiday season is great. I hope you're having fun. Your hearts are filled with merriment and joy. And I hope I'm able to add to that just a little bit. And we'll keep it right there until next time. And until next time, chicken, chowmaine, baby. Three, four, five, six.

Br-H-H-H-H-H-R-R-R-R-H-R.