The Harland Highway - 722 - AUNT RUTHIE gets her picture with Santa. Question of the day.

Episode Date: December 10, 2015

Aunt Ruthie goes to the mall to get her picture taken with Santa. The Question of the Day involving meat. A helpful Pavement Pounder gets dirty, and strange Xmas carol lyrics. Carol in my Merril Lynch!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you hear what I hear a podcast, a podcast blaring in the night with a tail as big as Charles, oh, Nelson Riley. Oh, no, no, oh. Stop it. Stop it. Sorry, folks. Sorry. Welcome to the Harland Highway, everybody, the podcast where I am your host, Harlan Williams. We are going to have some fun today. Oh, my God. The question of the day today is a very deep and pondering question. We'll be getting to that later in the show.

We'll be talking about a hostage situation that happens every Christmas, a prisoner hostage situation. I know. It's intense. Also, Aunt Ruthie. Aunt Ruthie has left me another phone message. I don't know what it is. Roger tells me it sounds like she would.

went to the mall and got her picture taken with Santa. I can only imagine. Also, we have a helpful caller calling in who gives me some advice, and then it becomes rather kind of graphic and sexual. And I got a little weirded out by it. I mean, it started nice and kind of went down a weird, dirty, sexy road. But aren't we always sexy here at this podcast? Yes, because this is the Harland.

Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here?

What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place.

The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man.

That is fantastic. Oh, hello everybody. How are you? Are you in the zone? Are you in the holiday zone? Are you feeling fun and festive? Oh, me too. Me too.

a great time of year, man. I actually have to go down to Mexico for a wedding in the middle of all this stuff. How about that? How about Christmas in Mexico? I won't be there, like, right on Christmas, but I will be there, like, right before Christmas.

And finally, finally, I will be able to release Mary Dot after all these years of, you know, wondering why she was held captive, why someone would kidnap Mary Dot. I don't know. But since I'm going to be in Mexico, where the song originates from,

I will find a way to track down Mary Dot and release her. What? You don't know what I'm talking about? Hello? The famous Christmas Carol, we hear every. year? Hello? Release Mary Dot. Release Mary Dot. I want to wish you a man. You've, for years they've been trying to sing about releasing Mary Dot. Here, listen. Release Mary Dot

Uh-huh, that's right You got it I'm not kidding For most of my life Okay I thought that was the lyric When I first heard this song as a little boy I thought they were singing

Release Mary Dot And I grew up in Canada Where we didn't have any Spanish people I never met any in my life till I probably moved down here. Well, that's not too. I probably met Spanish people, but maybe didn't know it. But when I grew up, there was not a big Spanish population in Toronto, Canada.

And my exposure to the Spanish culture was probably this song, Release Mary Dot. So I wasn't used to hearing this language. I don't know. I didn't know any of this language. And so as a little boy, all I heard was release Mary Dot. And so even into my adult life and then when I moved down to Los Angeles, I started kind of, and then, you know, you don't hear this song that often.

You only hear it at Christmas. So it took me years and years to figure out what it was. But in my mind, Mary Dot is still trapped in a room somewhere or in a tower behind a jail cell door. or, you know, submerged in a subterranean basement with water and food being slid under the door. In my mind, every Christmas, I feel like we need to release Mary Dodd. So when I'm down in Mexico, there it is. But I'm down in Mexico for this wedding during this holiday.

Christmas season. I'm going to search high and low for Mary Dot. Hopefully she's maybe even locked in a room at my resort, my five-star resort, hopefully somewhere near the pool, near the towel area or the bar. I hope she's locked maybe in a service closet right next to the bar or by the hot tub. Maybe she's locked in the steam room. But either way, I will find you, Mary Dodd. And this Christmas, I will release you from the bottom of my heart. I want to wish you, in advance of releasing you, Mary Dodd, I want to wish you of Merry Christmas. What we've got here is failure to communicate. The Harland Highway, question of the day.

Okay, here is the question. of the day and it's an important one because I think it's affected all of us all of us that have ever eaten delicious bacon hello yeah what my question of the day is have you ever noticed when you get a package of bacon okay the way they package is it

the way they package it hello is they lay all the strips of bacon on top of each other right And then at one end, on the top end of the package, they fold like a little piece of paper over the bacon with the, you know, with the logo of the bacon company or whatever it is, over the bacon. And then down at the bottom of the package, it's just open. And the bacon goes up, it kind of, it's on an incline. It kind of, the way they stack the meat on top of each other, it's kind of. of like a little bacon staircase.

It's like Led Zeppelin's bacon stairway to heaven, right? So it's almost like a little bacon ramp. Okay, it starts with one slice, and then they put a second slice, a third slice, a 40th slice. So it kind of like builds up almost like the great pyramids of bacon. And the way they package it is they always put the little, like, kind of strip of cardboard with the logo on it at the top of the pyramid. And they leave the bottom open and clear, which always to me looks like the area where

you're supposed to open the bacon. Because the top ends got the logo and everything, so the way it's packaged, you're naturally inclined to open the bacon at the bottom of the pyramid. But when you do that, here's what happens is all the other bacon is stacked on top of the bottom piece. So suddenly if you open your bacon down at the bottom, you're pulling, literally, it's like pulling the bottom stair out from under the next stair on top of it. And it's a bacon mess. You're tearing your bacon, you're ripping it, it's falling in half, it's all the other bacon is on top. And so what I do now is I cut along the top

where the cardboard logo is and I peel the bacon the way it's probably meant to be peeled the top layer first, then the second layer, the third layer, the fourth layer, all the way. So now I'm going down the stairs from the top down the bacon stairs. And it's clean, it's easy, it's natural. But what's happened with me,

and I'm guessing it happens with all you guys. Maybe not. Maybe we've got some geniuses in the hizzle. But the way they package it, forever, I've always cut it at the bottom because I don't really think about it. By the time I've cut the bottom, I go, oh, this is the wrong end. Why don't they put the cardboard logo over the bottom so I'm not inclined to cut at the bottom? And then I cut at the top and I just strip the bacon pieces off the top of the pile. Am I the only one that finds this awkward and annoying? Or is everyone else guilty of this bacon stairway fo'pah? This is an important question.

So there you go. It's simple. It's straightforward. The Harland Highway question of the day is, why do they package bacon so as to trick you into which way you are going up? or down the bacon stairway to heaven. Wow, I got that out. Thank God. Let me know if any of you have any answers or solutions. 323-739, 43330 on the Harlan Highway. Question of the day. The Harlan Highway Question of the day.

Hello? Hello? Harlan. What's up, buddy? Hey, I was just listening to the latest podcast and I had to stop it because of your dilemma with breaking the yoke. You're cracking the yoke. When you tell you, buddy, here's your mistake. You're using a spatula. Just learn how to flip it in the pan, my man. Flip it in the pan, my man. No tool required. If you learn how to do that, boom, you crack it, drop it in the pan. You fry that up until it's about halfway done. And then you just, you slide that around, boom, flick of the wrist. You flip that over, kapal.

Just let that fresh side kiss, kiss the hot side of the pan. Just enough to shear it a little bit. and then you just slide that off right onto your plate again not using a spatula or anything tool-free that's the secret to do it don't be poking it and prodding it with a spatula or a turner as i guess it's called you know do it boom no no tools just the flick of the wrist slides around you know practice a few times boom you flip it all right that's how you do it all right thanks for the podcast, buddy, a long-time listener. Chicken

Chalming. Wow, okay. Yeah, I had done a question of the day where I was like, you know, how is it that you, you know, you can, how do you get your eggs out of the pan without cracking the yolk? I don't think it was a question of the day, actually.

It was like I was complaining about how, you know, you get right to the end of something and it's perfect. And then the last second you pull your egg out of the fry pan and the yolk breaks and it ruins. everything. So this collar seems to have the answer. But the only problem is, you know, when I fry eggs, I usually fry two at a time. Who fries one egg?

And maybe I can buy into, you know, flipping, flipping the egg in the air and catching one, but two? I don't know if I'm that good, dude. I don't know if I'm that crafty. um so thank you for your your input and i just want to be clear that we're talking about the same thing here because i was talking about flipping an egg and and i just i just you know just so people listening know um were we talking about flipping an egg no tools just the flick of the rest see see right there now what are you getting at do it boom yeah but that's what i'm asking

Can you do what? You flip that over, cao. See, are you talking about making love to your girlfriend? When you tell you, buddy. I knew it. You are, aren't you? You flip that over, capo. Dude.

Just learn how to flip it in the pan, my man. Okay, now you're getting a little too sexually graphic for me, dude. Flip it in the pan, my man. Okay, let's just dial it back of it, guy. No tool required. Oh, come on, dude. Let that fresh side kiss. kiss the hot side of the pan.

Ew, grow. What kind of sex are you having, dude? Tool-free. That's the secret to do it. Don't be poking it and prognate with a fascia or a turner, as I guess it's called. Oh, come on, man. This is a family show. Slide around, you know, practice a few times, boom, you flip it.

All right. That's how you do it. All right. All right to you. Thanks, I guess. Flip it in the pan, my man. Okay, flip it in the pan. the panma man thank you enough god you know i first i thought it was like a helpful hint the guy says

flip it and you know and suddenly i i i realized what what the underlying secret agenda of that that message was yeah nice try guy we we caught you we don't need to hear your your bedroom pillow talk okay i asked a very sincere question about eggs yolks and you get all triple X rated on my ass uh-uh that doesn't fly not here no way um and speaking of phone calls oh my god uh we better check my answering machine because my dear aunt ruthy this time of year she's always running around doing christmas holiday stuff and i know she i saw my answering machine she left me a message i haven't even listened to it yet i'm always worried Her world, it's always falling apart.

Let's just play Aunt Ruthie's message and get it over with so we can get back to the rest of the show. Oh, God. I hope she's okay. Roger, hit the button, play my answering machine. And good Lord, let's... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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this code Harland so you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Let's see what kind of trouble Aunt Ruth you got into this time. Hi, this is Harland. I'm not available right now. So please leave me a message and I will get right back to you. Thanks. Hello. Hello, Holland. Hello. Oh my God. Holland, are you there? Oh, Holland? It's your Aunt Ruthie crawling, Angel. Yeah, it's Aunt Ruthie crawling. From Rochester, New York. How are you, little darling, down there in Hollywoods? Making the television movies and the Star Wars featureettes or whatever they're called. Poor little angel. spending the Christmas holidays and there's no snow, I mean, good Lord.

Your Uncle Harry has more dandruff than there snow down there, little angel. Oh, my God, anyways, Angel, listen, I know you're probably busy, and I hate to disturb you during the Christmas holidays, but you ran Ruthie. Oh, my God, I'm pulled over at the side of the road. I got into a little trouble today. Your Uncle Harry wanted me to go over to the mall. pick up a Christmas tree, and you know I'm not good with the driving and so on, Angel. I get nervous, and especially this time of year, the roads are so crowded. It's like, you know, someone blew up a mushroom cloud, and everyone's trying to get out of

the goddamn city or something. I mean, my God, the mall, it looks like, you know, someone poured syrup in an ant nest, for Christ's sake. I mean, just people scurrying all over the place. There's so much scurrying going on. you can smell smoke coming from between the legs, the pants are rubbing together. I'm sure it smells like the pubic hairs, you know, catching on fire, little angel. But anyways, Holland, I'm at the mall. I'm wandering around.

I'm picking up Christmas lights. And, of course, Uncle Harry calls me on the cellular telephone. And he said, there was Santa Claus in the mall. And I said, of course there is. It's Christmas. I just passed Santa Claus's Candy Cane Wonderland. or whatever it is. And Uncle Harry, who's always thinking about you little angels,

you remember when you were a little boy, Holland, and Uncle Harry built you a tree house out in the backyard up in that apple tree. Do you remember that? And you climbed up in there, and you were so happy until, of course, the bees came in, and you were screaming, and they attacked your eyes. And your poor uncle Harry loves you so much, and he had no idea he built your tree.

house right over a 14-foot, you know, bumblebee nest, Little Angel, and I hope you still don't hold it against him, because Uncle Harry loves you like he loves him, his prune juice. Anyways, Little Angel, I say to Uncle Harry, yes, there's the Santa Claus, and he says, why don't you go get a picture with Sandy Claus for my nephew Wallen, who's down there in the Hollywood? And I thought, okay, that could only take a few minutes, so I get in the little line up, and I'm talking to one of the elves, and it turns out it's Carol Whitehead's daughter from down the street. It's a daughter, Sandy. Do you remember Sandy Whitehead, Holland? She's all grown up now. Her teeth are crooked as fuck. I mean, it looks like someone smashed a camel in the mouth

of the full, you know, a 19-foot canoe, for Christ's sake. I pictured this girl at the food caught, eating out of the side of a head, for Christ's sake. I mean, I have never seen teeth so croaking, for God's sake. Anyways, Holland. Sorry, I lost my train at twilight here, Holland. But anyways, I was talking to the little elf girl there. We were reminiscing, and then it was my turn to go sit down. with Sandy Claus.

And wouldn't you know it, just as I'm about to go and step, sit on his lap, I start to feel some rumbling in my stomach. And I'm like, oh, Christ in heaven, this is what I get for going to the food court and eating that goddamn Arby's roast beef. Have you ever had that Arby's Holland? Good Lord, it's like eating a rotten caribou that fell off the side of a train or something. I mean, I don't even know if there's real meat. It tastes like, you know, maybe someone shaved some rubber off the side of an airplane tire

and put it in a bun, for Christ's sake. I mean, my stomach was rumbling like, you know, a fat guy farting in an outhouse. Like Superior, something, for God's sake. So here I go. I wave goodbye to Sarah Whitehead or whatever the fuck the elf's name was with the crooked fucking mouth. Looked like, you know, she'd been making out with a pumpkin, for God. sakes all and Santa Claus waves me over

and I'm like oh my God my stomach's rumbling and now I'm pinching off you know a monster coming through my colon and you know how that is for us old people it's like there's a black adder crawling through my intestines waiting to come out of its hole

and eat a turtle or something my God so you know Santa's waving to me I'm not about to turn my back on Santa Claus I mean for Christ's sake, he's Father Christmas Holland. So I waddle up to them like a, you know,

like some kind of a freak, you know, horseshoe crab or something. I'm walking with my toes pointed in like a horny geisha girl that just walked out of a, you know, the steam bath at a sushi factory, for God's sake. And I'm squeezing in this, you know, one of these old turds that us old ladies hold on to. And God, they're like, you know,

it's like they come out of us and they've already got dust on them, these, you know, these old lady turds we do. I mean, some people think the baby rabbits, if we leave them on the floor, Holland. But anyways, Tim, I get up to Sandy Claus. They sit down, and he's none the wisery. He's a cheery old fella. He's got the pink fucking cheeks. Looks like someone, you know, took a baby's ass and put it in a paddle wheel, for God's sake.

He's got that dirty white beard and, you know, that glazed overlook in his eyes like he's been drinking, you know, four shots at tequila every three minutes. Good Christ, and his breath. I don't even want to get into it, Holland. It smelled like, you know, someone stretched open a hippopotamus's an anus and shoved a loaf of, you know, goot or cheese up there. Unbelievable. So I'm sitting on Santa's lap, and he's playing along, and I said,

can we hurry up and take the picture, please? Granny's guy, you know, and I didn't say it, but I said, I got things to do, And he was laughing, you know, having me on because I'm an older lady. And before you knew it, could Christ, Holland, I trapped my nappies. I couldn't believe it. Thank God I was wearing an adult diaper, but I crept my nappies, and a Christmas log came out of my nappies, Holland. And all of a sudden Santa crinkles his nose like he just stepped in a Doberman pinch a piece of dog shit at the dog park or something.

I mean, this guy's nose crinkled up like a, looked like a dundle. dried up apple laying on Ferris Bueller's underpants. You know, it's just ridiculous, Holland. So anyways, Angel. Sandy Claus pushed me through rather quickly, and I can't blame him.

I mean, good Christ, it's like, you know, someone spilled a bowl of bean and barley soup right on his lap. I mean, that red suit of his, forget about it. Good Lord. You ever ever drive your car through the country? night hauling and a fucking grasshopper splats in the middle of your windshield. I mean, this is what

it looked like on poor Sanny Claus's crotch area. I mean, you poor Aunt Ruthie. I mean, good Christ, it's like, you know, it's like I stepped on a baby bird's head and it popped in his lap. I mean, good Lord. So they got me out of there very quickly. We did manage to take the picture, okay? I've got a look on my face like, good Christ, I just crept. my nappies, and Santa's it looks like he's puking over the side of his royal Canadian fucking Santa chair all over the

place. It's just a mess, but, you know, we're going to send it to you no matter what. And hold on, somebody's honk it. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm an old lady here. I'm talking to my nephew, Holland Williams, down in Hollywood. Do you mind?

Ass. So anyways, Holland, I wasn't able to get the Christmas tree. I'm going to go back. I'm going to go back and get it and then, you know, everything will be okay. So anyways, Harland Angel, Merry Christmas. We're thinking of you and look for our Christmas card in the mail. Aunt Ruthie's sitting on Santa's lap, crapping and nappies. But don't just ignore that and look at the night underneath. It says, Merry Christmas, Grant Ruthie, and Uncle Harry, and we love you, okay, your little freckle-faced angel.

All right. Goodbye, Angel. I'll talk to you soon. Goodbye, Angel. Aunt Ruthie loves you. Deal my... I'm kissing my nephew. Not that way, you pervite. Goodbye, angel. Ow! Son of a nutcracker! Oh, my gosh. Poor Aunt Ruthie.

Son of a nutcracker, indeed. Boy, well, I... I'm looking forward to getting that Santa Claus pitcher. Wow. Now I guess she said she has to go back and pick up her tree, which I don't even know if I want to hear that call, but I guess we'll see what happens. Speaking of Christmas-y things and Christmas elves,

don't forget, folks, if you want your child to hear back from Wally the Christmas elf, You're running out of time, okay? You've got, you've probably got just days left to call in. We'll probably play Wally's calls on December 21st or maybe the 24th on Christmas Eve. So please, please, please. I mean, we're getting down to the wire here. Santa will be here on the 25th, okay? So at the very latest, get your calls in from your children by December, you know, 19th or 20th at the latest.

Because after that, Wally's going to be too busy to take any more calls. So if you want to leave a message, put your child on the phone. Or even if you want to leave a message for Wally the Christmas elf, I guess that's okay. Mostly he likes to talk to children, but you never know. but if you do have young kids anywhere between 15 and 3 years old or 2 years old even put them on the phone

and they can ask Wally anything they want and he'll relay it to Santa you're not going to get any closer to Santa than Wally the Christmas elf 323-739 43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3 and your messages will get to Wally

answer them and we'll play them on the podcast, either December 21st or 24th. So I'm telling you, you don't want to be the parents sitting there and your kid looks at you and goes, Daddy, why didn't we get to call Wally the Christmas elf? And you're sitting there like a jackass going because I don't love you, my child? No, no, no. You better get on the Wally boat and have your children call in because they're going to want to hear themselves. And they're going to want to hear what Wally has to say.

He's going to help them understand what they might be getting for Christmas, you know, when, where, how, why, Santa, all this stuff that kids wonder about. So 323-739, 4330, leave a message, have your child leave a message for Wally, the Christmas elf. And if you forget that phone number, you can always go to Harlandwilliams.com. And the number is on the home page there. Also, you can go to your app store and download the Harland Highway podcast app. And also, if you get on our app, you can become a premium member for $20.

That's just $20. You can join up, and you get all this bonus content all year long that, you know, the regular listeners will not be cheated out of, but they just won't get. Another podcast I do called Let's Have a Fight, Exclusive interviews, Yada, Yada, Yada. So please join up. And I know I've been hitting that a little hard. I had a couple of callers call in and say, hey, he's up on the premium member stuff, Harland.

And I know I'm trying to, but I'm just excited about it. And I want you guys to really, you know, get it. so you can have some extra laughs. But I will ease up on it. You're right. I'm hitting it a bit hard. But it's just fun stuff and I don't want you to miss it. Also, while you're on the website, please order your Christmas presents now

because if you wait until, I'd say around the 19th, if you don't get your orders in before the 19th, we can't guarantee we'll get them to your house before the 10th. 25th. So kind of December 19th is our cutoff day for getting you your presence from the Harland Highway, Harlow Williams.com, merchandise store. We have great funny t-shirts, DVDs, movies, comedy specials, music, digital downloads, T-shirts, books. It's all there, gang. So I urge you to get in there and we will ship that stuff out to you in time to put under the So hopefully we hear from you guys

You have calls for Wally 3, 2, 3, 7, 3, 9, 4, 330 And I think we'll leave it right there, man. We had quite the show. You know, just crazy stuff going on. So that's it. Thanks for being here. Happy holidays to everyone.

I hope you're having a great holiday season. And we'll keep bringing some more Christmas joy and holiday joy your way as we keep motoring towards these holidays and until next time chicken chameh baby flip it in the pan my man