The Harland Highway - 724 - GEORGE MICHAEL from WHAM calls in with Harland's Xmas present

Episode Date: December 17, 2015

Drunk George Michael calls in with a dirty Xmas present for Harland. More songs from Rudy Carsoni. And a sneek peek at a Premium Member Xmas chat with BARENAKED LADIES band member, Kevin Hearn. Chat with a fat!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Rudolph the red nose crack whore had it. No, wait, wait, what is it? No, hold on. Anyways, hey, it's Harlem Williams. Welcome to the podcast, the Harland Highway. I am your host. And so glad you could be here. Happy holidays to everyone. We're going to be playing some funny Christmas songs by Rudy Carsoni here today. We're also getting a call, apparently from George Michael from Wham, is calling in. I guess he's prepared a Christmas present for me. I don't know what that's all about, but I don't really like hearing from him this time of year.

He's usually drunk on eggnog. Hopefully this year he'll have his act together. Boy, oh, boy. Also, I'm going to be taking a phone call from a little bit of a disgruntled pavement pounder, and I'm going to have to deal with that. He's a little bit upset about my premium membership announcements. He might have a point. But on the premium membership announcement, I'm going to play a sample clip from a premium members-only show

featuring one of the band members of the Bear Naked Ladies to try and entice you to become a premium member. So let's do this, gang. It's the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What are you talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. onto the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing, not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening? To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello? Hello. Arland, hey, this is Ben.

I'm out of Sacramento. I just want to say I love your show, love your comedy. It's fucking hilarious. Like, makes me cry. It's so funny. I'm calling because you're plugging in the premium content. A little too much, man. Just a little feedback, a little unsolicited advice.

cut back on the we all know okay like you have a loyal listener base we all know it's there now and it seems like in all these shows recently you're doing the same like kind of sales pitch over and over

again and going on a little bit long and it's a little bit of a bummer I mean everybody loves you we all love you I love you and we're aware of it okay less is more I think buddy but it's not a big deal.

I just thought I'd give you a little feedback after I just heard this again. Anyhow, I love you, buddy. Take care. Bye. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

I'm sorry. I need to do it so much. I need me to do it. Okay, okay. You know what? You're busted. Hey, man, I appreciate that feedback. You know, that's why I have my hotline.

I love hearing the good, the bad, the ugly, whatever. You know, I have been hammering the premium content thing because, you know, it's new and I'm excited about it, and I know that it's something that you guys will love. And I guess I didn't realize that I was maybe pushing. it a bit too hard and I do apologize and I'll tell you what after today's podcast I will dial it back I will dial it back it's just I want people to know about it I want people to get it we're putting a ton of extra work into it and so for 20 bucks extra a year we uh you know we feel like it's a great deal for what you get and so we don't want anyone to miss out on it and

and you're you're right you're right I've been hammering it and I can see I can hear it in your voice. You're like, enough already, dude. Would you just stop it? And I'm going to. I'm taking your advice. I'm going to dial it back. Ben.

Ben, you're always giving advice here and there. I'm going to dial it back. But I want to give you one last example of the kind of unique content you get on the premium subscription for 20 bucks. year. Sorry, Ben, I had to do it again because this is the last time I'm going to be able to hammer it, so I'm going to sneak them in there, 20 bucks a year. The unique kind of stuff you get, you get me doing live stand-up, you get my whole other podcast, let's have a fight, which is a verbal throwdown between comedians and actors and creative people. And coming up this Saturday,

December 19th, this is something just for the premium members. I'll, play you a little clip of it. It's my cousin Kevin from the Bear Naked Ladies, the band The Bare Naked Ladies, and he was in town and me and him sat down to do a special little podcast just for premium members where we're talking about Christmas and family times and the meeting of Christmas. And yes, we had a guitar and we improvised a whole bunch of songs

and we sing little Christmas carols. And it was a lot of fun. And it's a whole other podcast that premium members are going to hear. And I hate to almost tell you regular listeners that you're not going to hear it. But, you know, this is what we do on the premium thing. So for 20 bucks a year, you're not left out in the cold. I said it again, 20 bucks a year, man. So here's a little snippet.

If you join the premium content using the app on your, on your cell phone, your Android, your iPhone. It's the Harland Highway in your app store. You can join up 20 bucks a year, and you will hear stuff like this private little podcast. Me and my cousin did. Have a listen of a little sample of it. You know, I have a tradition in the last few years.

Christmas Day, I drive up north, you know. Oh, really? Northern Canada. Yeah, up into the woods. oh yeah and that's that's when it gets real nice yeah because you've got a cottage i won't say where it is but you've got a cottage out in the wilderness and you know up in northern canada that you're talking five six feet of snow and the snow stays white it doesn't turn brown or gray yeah and it's thick and and you're in a place where it's it's the silence is almost deafening

yes it's almost like it's almost like a hum it's so quiet it's like a oh Sweet, sweet silence. Yeah, and you've got like birds flying around and like a couple of years ago. I know you sent me pictures. You saw like a pack of wolves chasing a deer down across the frozen lake. Yes.

And who doesn't want to see that at Christmas? A reindeer getting mulled to death by a pack of wolves. You know, nothing says Christmas more than that, right? Blitzin? God, you really do hate Christmas. God, I have a feeling you baited that deer so that I fucking ate Christmas I want to see Rudolph ripped apart

by werewolves let me throw some delicious corn soaked in bacon grease out on the snow here and see what happens how dare you sir how dare you not something I would have chosen to witness

yeah that was pretty intense but I get you man Christmas is maybe we need to do a song that chills you out a bit okay that that sings to the spirit of Christmas just a real quiet little thing that brings you in from this dark horrible place that you're at give me to something yeah nice and quiet this one's all you

people out there or having trouble dealing with Christmas this one's for you Christmas is that special time of year where snowflakes fluttered down all around your ears. Your mother's standing in the window with a steven hot cocoa. Daddy's in the living room Stoke in the fire, don't you know Christmas It's that wonderful

Time of Year We're family And love And tenderness is near Christmas His love Christmas is love. Christmas is love.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Right, Kev? Right? Does that feel better, guy? How do you feel? Isn't that nice? Mama's in the window with the cocoa.

It brought me right there, heart. Oh, good. Good, good, good. See? So there you go. That's just a little clip of the whole podcast, which is way, way, way longer. And we do a bunch of other songs

and tell family stories. And I always have a good time. I love my cousin. And we just, we had a great talk. sang some ridiculous Christmassy songs. And so there you go. These are the types of things you get with the premium content for only $20 a year,

which is like going to McDonald's twice. Okay, there it is, Ben. That's the last time I'm going to hammer it. Again, I apologize. But it's just because I don't want you guys to miss out. So from here on in, from here forward, I will mention it, I will plug it, but I'll keep it short and simple and sweet.

okay but I do appreciate your feedback thank you for alerting me to my annoying overkill but I'm learning my way through this pitchman stuff

hey you want to buy a new car hey hey you want to you want to you want to get some a bonus podcast material hey hey only 20 bucks come on like going to McDonald's twice a year come on so done and done

oh man I just burped Did you hear that? Like, I got to play that right back to you. I just burped in the middle of talking. So done and done. Oh, man, I just burped. Oh, gross. I apologize.

Wow. That is so funny when you, I'm sitting here, I have a bottle of Coke beside me as I podcast, and I just took a swig. And then when I started talking to you guys, I burped right through a word. That's what's funny.

like the burp and the words were happening at exactly the same time and somehow the words made it through the burp. I mean, I hate to do it to you, but listen to this again. So done it, uh, oh man, I just burped. Wow, it's like a miracle of science.

Actually, no, it's probably like a Christmas miracle. Hey, Harlan. Hold on. What? I'm talking about a Christmas miracle burp here. Uh, sorry to interrupt. Hey, Harlan, yeah George Michael, that guy from Wham What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm not talking to him. He says it's important. He always says it's important. What does he want? He says he needs to talk to you. About what? Regarding his Christmas present. What Christmas present?

I don't know, but I think he's been drinking. Oh, great. Good luck. Put him on. Let's get this over with. God. Hello? Hello, Holland.

Oh, God. What's that all about then, Holland? Don't you sound all full of fucking Christmas merrymen and joy? Oh, my God. Oh, what's the matter, Owen? Can I follow you and talk about the Christmas holidays? Are you drunk again, George? Yes.

It's George Michael. And he can't say my whole day, my evening at this wonderful time of year, and you can go sit on a golf cart and suck a hot dog. Okay, what's going on? What is this? Roger told me you have a Christmas. present for me or something?

Oh, you don't have to sound so angry about this Holland. You should be happy I've made you a Christmas presents. Are you hammered, George? It's George. Fucking Michael.

Why don't you go make a bowl of eggnog and pull it in your ass? Stop being rude. I don't, I don't really, if I'm being honest, appreciate it when you call me, but when you're hammered, it's even worse. Oh, you, it's like, it's a lot to have a little drinky on during the holidays, Ireland. What, how you, what, you, what, you, what, you, what, what, you, what, what, what, you, what, what, you, spit it out.

What you do, what you're not, eh, eh, a, a, a, what. What? How do you celebrate in the United States of America? Oh, hello, that's why I just said five times, Dildo. Stop, don't call me Dildo, George. It's George, Michael. Now, if you can't get any right, Holland, you can go and fighting by yourself a motorcycle and drive it right up Oprah Winfrey's asshole.

Stop saying stuff. Just wanted to call and tell you I made you a homemade present. Well, why can't you just do that and not be drunk out of your tree? Because maybe my homemade present was very painful that I made for you all. Oh God, now you're going to make me feel guilty that you're present It was painful? Yes, it was. It was very painful.

I want to give it to you as soon as possible before December 25th, Ireland. Oh, brother. What'd you make me, George? I made you in a tea bag. What? I made eat a Christmas tea bag on. What is a Christmas tea bag on? What is a Christmas?

Christmas tea bag. Well, look, you can't eat all fire it up, eh? Like, you pissed off that I made you a present. I get it, you made me a present. What is a Christmas tea bag? Well, it's like a regular little tea bag. I modified it, so it's Christmasy. Is this what I think it is?

What do you think it is? Are you saying a tea bag? I can't even believe I'm talking about this. Are you talking about a tea bag you put in water and make tea, or are you talking about what I think you're talking about? I think we're talking about what you think. I'm talking about, Holland. A George Michael tea bag.

Oh, God. You know the kind, darling. Yeah, I know the kind. where a bull-grown man dangles his... His what, Holland? Why don't you say it? His testicles over another man's face right over his...

Right over his hungry little mouth, Harlan. Stop it! And stop hiccuping. You sound like a taradacto. I can't help, but I've been drinking eggnog with fighting seven bottles of vodka in it. Ah, Holland. Stop.

Hurry up and tell me about your present. Well, what? How do I make a kiss, George Michael's kiss with tea bag, Arlen, is I, what I do is I, first I get some grape juice, Harlan. What, grape juice? Why do you get grape juice? Well, what I do, Arlen, for the George Michael's Kiss with Tea bag, is I soak my testicles in a glass of grape. Grape juice, Arlen, so they turn purple. Why would you soak...

Why would you soak your testicles and a glass of grape juice so they turn purple? So now, dummy, they obviously look like Christmas plums, Arland. Oh, God. And then what I do, Arlen, is I get some icing. Okay. I get red and white. Yes? And I spread it around my penis, darling, so it looks like a barber's ball.

You know, I don't want to hear any more of this, George. It's George. Harkin' Gricke Waco! Teddy Ryder, I'm in a fight, go down to the orphan edge and smash all the fighting presents for the little boy. Boys and girls, I'm gonna eat all the broken pieces and shit them out in front of fucking Queen Elizabeth's house. But you don't stop talking drunk. So you dyed your testicles purple, you put icing on red and white icing on the shaft of your penis. I can't believe, Roger.

Yeah, and then hardly the reason I put the icing on my. penis, is I wanted to make it like a candy cane. Well, it ain't going to be a candy cane if it's straight up and down. And that's why I had to drink all this booze, Ireland, because in order to get the tip of my penis to curve around like a candy cane. Oh, God. I had to slam my penis in the car door 17 times, Ireland. It hurt like a fucking motherfucketucker.

Stop swearing. Are you telling me, you slammed your penis in a car door 17 times so it would bend around and look like a candy cane? Hello, Planet Mars to Planet Holland, allow. Hello, hello, hello, hello. Stop hiccuping. What is wrong with you? Well, I got to tell you, I mean, jinky, y'allet.

I'll get over to the United America and give you your George Michael Christmas tea bag. Tea bag. Um, you know what, uh, Michael? It's George fucking Michael. I'm getting through your fucking head. I'm going to go to the North Pole, find the last, last fucking pole. find the last fucking polar bear alive

skin it and fucking barbecue it in your fucking underpants stop hiccuping like a teradactyl I can't help it all it I've been drinking you you know what

I don't want your purple Christmas plums I don't want your striped candy cane penis dangling in my face as much as I appreciate the sentiment and the concept that you wanted to give me a Christmas gift. Just hold on to it and give it to one of your friends.

All right, are you saying you don't want my Christmas present, George Michael's Christmas tea bag? Stop it! Are you saying you don't want it, Arlen? You know what? Yes. I'm returning the gift before you ever gave it to me. I do not want to lay on the ground by the Christmas tree, you straddling my face with your purple Christmas plums

and you're smashed in bent candy cane penis. Oh, that sounds, it just got me fired up, calling it. No, I don't want it. All right, then, well, how about this? How about some of George Michael's round brownies? Your what? Round brownies, Arlen. What is a round brownie?

It's a Christmas brownie, but instead of being rectangle, I put the brownie mix around my asshole. No! No, you don't. I don't want a round brownie. Hang up. And, Harlan, I'll be over there. I'm getting on the first class fly. No, hang up on him. Round brownie, Arland. No! No! Oh, Roger. Good Lord. A round brownie.

George Michael's Christmas tea bag. I think my holiday just, is he gone? Good. I think my Christmas might have just been officially, completely ruined. Not to mention my listeners. I apologize, ladies and gentlemen. As you know, George Michael has been calling this show for a long time. He's always outspoken.

He's always got, he just lives a different lifestyle. And I try to be accepting. I try to be understanding and inclusive. But boy, oh boy, some of the things that he comes up with, the idea that he wants to teabag me with his Christmas penis and his Christmas plums ain't flying. And I ain't eating no round. Round brownie.

Okay. Unbelievable. What the hell is going on around here? Around brownie. Roger, let's just move the hell on. Again, my apologies to all the listeners. Move on, Raj. But I want to say one thing to the American people.

I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I did not have. sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie, not a single time, never. These allegations are false, and I need to go back to work for the American people. Thank you. And I just want to say to the American people that I did not wipe my email server clean, that I did not lie about the Benghazi murders and attacks. I need to get back to my green pants suit

and steal this election and continue to deceive the dumb American people that would elect me. Thank you very much. All right, enough with the political stuff, all right. Let's keep it with the holidays here. I think it's time for another like silly fun Christmassy song from our old friend Rudy Carsoni who probably has the bluest, naughtiest, dirtiest Christmas songs out there. Rudy Carsoni as played by my good actor buddy, Toby Huss.

He does this character named Rudy Carsoni. He was kind of like a badass, kind of foul-mouthed Frank Sinatra type guy. And Toby has a great album out called Rudy Carsoni's Snowballs, and it's full of great Christmas tunes that are a little edgy. And every year I like to play a few cuts from the Snowballs CD. So let's get into one right now. This one's always a favorite. It's called Christmas Stuffing.

by Rudy Carsoni. There's no trim for me. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. I said to chill, baby, my ass is a block of ice. I'm gonna be crapping cubes, and that's putting it nice. My nuts flew north to get warm in my chest. Hope you didn't it me another Christmas fest. The only present I want muffin is you by the fire.

Huffin and Huffin are giving me some. I've given me some of your Christmas stuffing. It's an old family recipe. Mean or rakey potatoes. I had to fight abroad over your new mink coat. mink coat before they wrapped it up the broad punched me in a throat for all of my work what do I get back couple new neckties for last year's tie rack how about next year you shop and I stay home you grow brave the crowds I'll wait here

and moat I'll put on a dress and some nice lipstick when you get back guess what You ain't a getting dick. The only present I want. Muffin is you by the fire. Huffet and puffin are giving me some of your old Rudy Christmas stuffing. There it is. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Rudy Carsoni, Snowballs is the name of the CD. Look around, type it into your internet. If you would like to purchase that CD in its entirety, it's packed full of great music, songs, humor, you name it. Um, and that just kind of,

kind of rounds out the show here today, gang. That brings us right to the end. Hey, boo-boo! I think we're at the end of the show, Boo-boo. Gosh, yogi, I wish there was more. I do too, boo-boo, but we can only do so much. I understand, yogi. Why do you sound like you have a bowling ball sitting on your nuts, Boo-boo?

Because you're standing on my bag, yogi. Hey! Boo boo, yuggy bag. Okay, enough. Good Lord. What is wrong with me? I'm all discombobulated after a freaking George Michael called in with his Christmas tea bag and plums and round brownies. Are you kidding me?

God! All right, well, there you go. And once again, to all you listeners and to Ben, who called in and pointed out that I was kind of overdoing it with the plugging the new premium membership. I appreciate the note. I'm going to work on not doing it so much. Thank you.

Keep your calls coming. 323-739-4330. Maybe you'll find a way to be helpful to me and tell me something that I'm doing wrong. I don't mind. I'll either agree with you and adjust or I'll be like, eh, go suck a can of apple sauce. Hey, sounds good to me, boo-boo.

Guy, yogi, stop. So, yeah, you can call in. It's just an answering device, so you never have to talk to anyone live. you can say anything you want, you can sing, you can talk, you can ask questions, you can insult me, you can praise me, you can do whatever you want. 323-739, 4330, okay? And you might even want to have your little kids call in and leave a message for Wally the Elf because it looks like we will have Wally the Elf, Santa's number one elf, on the show,

Next week, next Thursday, December 24th. So Christmas Eve, on the day before Christmas, we will have Wally the head elf and the North Pole, and he will answer all your kids' Christmas questions if you want to have your child get on the phone and leave a message for Wally the Christmas elf. 323-739, 4330. Yes, we'd love to hear from your children if you have them, or your nieces or your nephews or whoever. Also, if you want to write to me, you can write to me at Harlandwiliams.com.

Just click on our contact link, and I will read your letters. I might respond. We might put your letter in the listener mailbag when we do it. But great to get your feedback, your observations, your comments, all that stuff. Well, you're at Harlandwilliams.com. Please check out the store, the Harland Williams.com merchandise store. We have hand-drawn t-shirts, we've got printed t-shirts, we've got DVDs, CDs, books, music, movies, all of it. Go in and grab yourself a fun gift to give us a gift to someone else or just,

Have for yourself, for gosh sakes, and enjoy it yourself. And lastly, please remember to get the Harland Highway phone app. It's absolutely free. Just go to your app store, Android, Apple, wherever. And you get the most recent 50 episodes of the Harland Highway free. And then for 20 bucks a year, you get all the cool premiums. content I talked about earlier that I'm never going to mention again.

So that's it. I'm going to leave it right there. Happy holidays to everyone as we keep inching closer to the big day. Happy, happy holidays. Merry, Merry Christmas. All that wonderful stuff. Keep a smile on your face.

Enjoy the season. This is the time of year where everyone seems to kind of be on the same page and in the same mindset and sharing mirth and merriment and joy. It's a good time of year, man. It's a really good time of year. So soak it up, absorb it. And we're going to keep celebrating right through the holidays.

And until next time, chicken chalmaine, baby. I can't help it all that. I've been drinking. Thank you.