The Harland Highway - 727 - Your CELL PHONE can kill you! Listener MAIL BAG.

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

Today harland reads letters from his listeners. Death by cell phone. Xmas gifts. And, the most unsexy part of the human body. Shoddy eh Toddy??!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hi, hi. Hello, everybody. This is Harland Williams here, and you are on the Harland Eyeway podcast. Great to have you along. I hope your holidays are going good. We're going to talk just a little bit about how Christmas went and the presents you got and things like that. And then we're going to segue into a crazy news story. I hate to bring this up, but somebody died.

and wait to you hear how they died. It could happen to you. So hopefully it's a cautionary tale. It's a little bit ridiculous, but it's sad and I don't know. Also, we're going to be dipping into the listener mailbag. We're going to be reading some of your letters that you send in to the website to the show here at the Harland Highway through via Harlanwilliams.com. We'll be reading the listener mailbag, the pavement pounders letters. And we're also going to talk about something that's not very sexy.

As a human being, this might hurt your ego. This might dent your big, fat, juicy ego, and I tell you that you're not sexy. I know. And you can try and fight it and disagree with me, but you really can't. Wait till you hear how I tell you you're not sexy before the year runs out. But we're just getting started today. This is, the Harlan Highway. Where are I?

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened?

Hey, Harland, it shall be. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing, Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway.

What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic.

Hello, everybody. I hope you had a lovely, lovely Christmas. Was Santa good to you? Did you get some nice presents? Did you get stuff that you want? Did you get stuff that was cool that surprised you? That's always fun. It's always fun when you get a present and you don't see it coming.

And one of your friends or someone that loves you or cares about you, like has an insight into who you are as a person. And they actually like remember a little something you said a year ago. or a week ago or five years ago, like, you know, you know, I've always loved paintings of skunks or whatever it is, right? You know, I always wish I had a purple, I wish I had a purple pancake flipper, you know? Whatever it is, your friend or your loved one remembers it

from way back when, and they log in their memory, and they go out and they find that thing for you and they wrap it up and you get it for Christmas. And you're like ripping open the wrapping paper and you're like, oh my God, oh my God, what is this? What is this? Oh, wait, what's this? What is this purple?

Is this a, oh my God, no, it can't be it. What the heck can that? Oh my God, is this a purple pancake flipper? Oh my God. And what's this? Oh, my God, is this a painting? Oh, my, is this a painting of a skunk? Oh, my God.

Right? Right. Right. So it's always fun. I hope you got something that put a giant smile across your face. Because that's what it's all about, right? So I hope your Christmas is good. And now we're in that weird zone.

This is like, to me, this is like the quietest time of the year. the week between Christmas and New Year's. It's almost like, it's like, you know, you go into a, you go into a department store or a gas station in the middle of nowhere, and somehow you go out, you see this door in the back, the back door, and you go, I'm never, what's that door? Where does that door go? And you push the door open and somehow magically,

you're like out in the middle of a desert and the wind's blowing, and the sun's shining, and you can see for eternity. You're like, where am I? What is this? This is no man's land. And that's what this week always feels like to me. It's like the quietest week of the year. It's the one week where I'm like, I don't care if I'm not being productive.

I don't care if I'm not doing anything. I don't care if I'm just lounging around the house. Because I'm a bit of a like a bit of a workaholic, a bit of a, you know, I always kind of try to stay active doing something. But this is like the one little window between Christmas and New Year's where I'm just like, put me in the dead zone, man. And I don't feel guilty about sitting still. I don't feel uncomfortable about just sitting still.

I actually enjoy it. It's just a little quiet spot, a little quiet window in the whole year. And I kind of like it because everything's kind of half over. A lot of people don't go into work. So, you know, things are closed. Even if they're at work, people aren't really doing it. Yeah, I'm at work. But, you know, I'm, you know what I'm going to do at work today?

Here's what I'm going to do at work today, okay? I brought a fucking cupcake and I brought some fucking, you know, some knitting needles. So I'm going to sit in my cubicle. I'm going to eat my fucking cupcake. And I'm going to nip myself a fucking scoff. Anyone got a problem with that? It's kind of just the dead zone. So here we go.

We get ready for New Year's. That's coming up in just a few days. And so this podcast falls right in the middle where we just chill and talk about like kind of intermediary topics. Just kind of, you know, kind of chock of the block. Dealers' choice. Pulled stuff out of a hat. No real theme, no real, you know, just talking about stuff. So, Rod, let's do it.

Let's just, like, get some topics go on and let's just chat to the pavement pounders before 2015 runs out. Have a nice day. Be sure and tell them large marge sent you. Okay, okay, enough. What would you do? and I almost hesitate to do this to you. But what would you do if I told you there's a part of you that isn't very sexy? I'm talking, even the supermodels that listen to my show.

I know all the girls from Victoria's Secret huddle around their speakers and listen to the Harland Highway. Yes. All the models in Milan and even you, even the good, what if I told you there's part of Brad Pitt and Angelina the Joe Lee and anyone you know that you think is super sexy Pamela Anderson

what if I told you there's a part of them that aren't nuts, isn't not ain't sexy and what would you do if I told you if I told you that we all had a part of us in common that wasn't sexy well it's

true And this is just my opinion, but I'm going to stand by it. Here it is. The human body, the human form is probably pretty sexy to the rest of us humans. I mean, other creatures probably look at us and go, what's that freaky thing standing on two legs? You know, probably every other creature in the animal kingdom are looking at us going, who's the retard?

Who's the dummy that doesn't know you're supposed to be down on all fours? Who's that idiot? Well, that's us, gang. And as a human being, I can look at the human body and go, we're pretty sexy. Everything's kind of according to my human eyes in proportion, in its place. And being a male, especially on a female, the hips, the buttocks, the breasts, the woman's soft features, her eyes, or pouty lips, or slender legs, or slender legs, or ankles.

you know, the men love to look at the women, and the women I think like to look at the men's, okay? And underneath all that flesh that we love, after underneath all the cosmetic stuff, we come to, beyond the flesh and the muscle and the tissue, we come to our skeleton. And even our skeleton, if you kind of look at it, you know, the skull kind of fits into the neck

and the shoulder blades tie into the arm sockets and the arms dangled down and the rib cage is kind of centered and perfect and the pelvis holds up the stop and the legs go down and the kneecaps are there and it's kind of sexy like the human skeleton kind of works it holds together until you get down to the feet and the feet are sexy you got all those little bones. I don't know how many hundreds of bones are in the human foot

and you almost make it through the whole skeleton from the top of your cranium all the way down to your big toe and that's where it is right at the bottom. It's out the back. Your heel. Have you ever looked at the skeleton, the human skeleton and looked at the heel? What a clunk of junk that thing is.

I know. It's not sexy. And it's just like, it's, it's like this half-sought-off knob. It's like this dirty nub at the back. It doesn't even look like it's long enough. Like, you know how you put your shoe and your foot in a shoe? And it was, okay, you got the front part where all the toes are, and then you got the arch, and then you got the heel out the back.

And you feel like it's longer than it is. But when you look, when you look at the heel, from the profile of the human skeleton. It's just this kind of ugly nub. It looks like a, I don't know what it looks like. It's just like a bulldog's tail, like a little nub. Or it looks like I don't know what it looks like. But it ain't sexy.

It kind of ruins the look and we all have it. Nobody has longer heels than anyone else. But yeah, your heel, there's like the heel bumpings. if that's what it's called. I'm not a heel doctor. I don't know. But when you get a chance, go on the Google images

or whatever you do. Go on the internet and look at a profile view of the skeletal foot of a human and just, you get ready to cringe. Get ready to hold your stomach and try not to puke up your lunch. You're going to see this ugly, bony nub.

It looks like a bone. broken hammer or something. Some carpenter was whacking nails into a wall and he somehow he swung and hit the hammer on a steel pipe and it broke or something. It's just

just this drooping, hanging nub that looks like it should be longer. It's just really weird. And if you look at the foot like sitting on the ground, the skeletal foot, the the nub just kind of rest there. I don't know.

So there it is. I hate to be the one to break it to you. And you were so close to the end of the year. You're just days away from getting out of 2015 without anything to make you feel insecure or unsexy, and I dig it up. Oh, I am very, very sorry. But there it is.

So go in the Google images and look at your own heel and just know that you're not as sexy as you thought you were. And I'm sorry, I didn't create you. God did. Why did I do that, Raj? Why did it? Let's move on. Let's move on to a crazy news story, okay? That one was, that one was, I think I deflated everyone's ego with that one.

Let's move on to a Harland Highway crazy, crazy news story. All across the Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff Okay Oh boy Here we go

This This will help you forget your heels Um Here's the headline Okay Guy looking at device Falls off cliff on Christmas And when I say device

I mean like a phone Can you believe it? I've talked about this before. People doing the zombie walk where they just walk around looking at their phones, oblivious. I think I mentioned before we're going to evolve into chameleons. We're going to get those eyes. You know, chameleons, the lizards, their eyes articulate at two different times. They can move one eye one way and another eye the other way.

Yeah. So here's the sad story. Distracted walking can be as hazardous as distracted driving. The public was reminded after the deeply unfortunate Christmas Day death of a man in San Diego. Oh, this is awful. You might throw your cell phone away. Lifeguards say the man was walking and looking at his phone in the sunset Cliff's area at sunset around 4.50 p.m. on Friday when he'd walked off the edge and dropped

60 feet to his death. Good Lord. Witnesses stated seeing someone distracted by an electronic device and he just fell over the edge. He wasn't watching where he was walking. He was looking down at the device in his hands. Oh my God. Can you imagine, okay, this is a, but can you imagine if you were the one that had just texted him and he was reading your text? And he walked off the cliff because he was reading your text? Dear Bill, hey man, I know it's almost like 2016, and I just wanted to remind you that I love you and you're my best friend and we're going to be friends for life. Okay. Okay. How come you're not texting me back? Bill? I just texted you like five times. How come you're not texting me back, dude? Okay. Well, if you don't want to talk to me, fuck you. Can you imagine if he was reading your text?

Holy smokes. Here's more of this story. It's awful. It's crazy. The man apparently drove to the Clift area where the passion's to watch the sunset. He struggled to find parking and exited the vehicle in search of a spot. That's when witnesses say he was looking at a device and plummeted. Oh, just that word. Plummeted. The only time you want to hear plummet is today the stock market plummeted. You don't want to hear today Bill plummeted.

That's just, what word just spells the end. It says here that after the man fell, three witnesses put themselves in jeopardy by making their way down the rocks to administer CPR to the man who was only in his 30s. But he was pronounced dead at the scene. The lifeguard speculated that the device in his hand was a phone or camera, but say no such device has been recovered yet. Oh, God. Like I said, I'm worried that they find. that device. Can you imagine if this guy

was on his phone like, I don't know. What if he was filming the sunset? You know, how people do that, they walk and they film at the same time? What if he was going, and here I am

on the shores of the San Diego shoreline, a beautiful purple sunset here on Christmas Eve, and as I pan in closer to the wonderful colors of pink, purple, orange, and... I think I'm going to hit the grab. Hey, everybody.

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H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Can you imagine if this guy's camera was rolling as he died? I mean, talk about a public safety commercial. They have to play that thing. I mean, the poor dude. So, you know, just another reminder to end this little tragic.

First of all, you know, RIP. to the gentleman who died. That's horrible. On Christmas Day? Christmas Eve? Although, you know, I'm making light of it a little. I feel so bad for this person, and I'm sorry that this happened.

And, wow, I hope you're in a better place, dude, where they don't have cell reception, if you don't mind me saying. But just be careful. I've talked about this. You know, there's people have walked into, of into the street, been hit by cars. There's people who've walked into water fountains.

There's people that have walked into doors. There's people that walk into other people. Nothing is that important on your phone. Nothing. There's not one message on your phone unless someone texted you and said, Dear Bill, do not take one more step forward. And he stopped just before taking a step off the clip. Okay, that's the only important thing that anyone could text this guy.

Dear Bill, stop now. That's all, any other text, your father died, the house is on fire, can you pick up some bacon and eggs on the way home? None of those matter, because if you're dead, none of it matters. So anyways, be careful. Keep your eyes on your fries, and let's get through another year here without walking off a cliff. A 33-year-old Indiana man was walking along California's sunset cliffs on Christmas Day when he reportedly fell 60 feet to his death. KSWB says witnesses sold Joshua Burwell looking at a phone or camera when he fell.

According to the outlet, three people rushed to save the man. CPR attempts were unsuccessful. He was pronounced dead at the scene. One witness claims he, heard yelling at the bottom of the cliff. The man was reportedly visiting the cliffs to watch the sunset. KUSI quoted San Diego lifeguard sergeant Bill Binder, who offered a few words of warning. You don't want to be walking and using your cell phone. You don't want to be distracted by anything when you're in an area where you can be put at risk.

Boy, that poor kid, all the rotten luck. I was with her a couple of hours ago. I bought some soup. Letters, oh, we get letters, we get letters, we get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today. Reach right in and pull one out. Those letters, I love those letters. Let's find out what you've got to say. Oh, boy!

Mailman, mail today. Oh, yes, yes. Why not, right? It's the end of the year. Let's clean out some of the mail. These are actual emails from you, the pavement pounders, the listeners. And, you know, we have on my website, harlemwilliams.com, there's a contact form. And you can write to me and say anything you want.

You can hate me, you can love me, you can, whatever you want. So let's do a couple, answer a few letters here as we close out. 2015, never to come back. Oh, that's kind of, it's weird when you think when a year goes by, you never get it back. Oh, oh, anyways, this first letter here is from Crystal. Uh, let's see, she says, hi, Harland, on one of your podcast episodes with the Easter Bunny, you did Buffalo Bill's voice. You did his voice perfect, and I couldn't stop laughing.

I loved it. please do a regular character of him. Also, I love the show and all the characters you do. George Michael is probably my favorite. Thanks for keeping me entertained at my boring job. Chicken Chowmane. Well, Crystal, thank you very much. For those of you that don't know who Buffalo Bill is,

um, Buffalo Bill's, um, oh, wait, she's a great big fat person. She puts the lotion in the basket. He was the creepy serial killer in Silence of the Lambs, and he had a really creepy voice. He kind of sounded like this. You don't know what pain is. So I guess I did him, and Crystal enjoyed that. And I'm so glad you like George Michael.

Boy, that guy is fun, fun, fun to do. Yes, we will keep the voices coming, Crystal. I'm glad you listen to the show. I'm glad it makes you laugh. I don't know what your job is, but if my silliness can make your job more bearable, then there you go. I'm glad you like it. Thank you for writing, Crystal. Let's move on to the next letter.

Here we go. This one's from Brittany Hooper. Ola, Amigo, she says. Here's the message. Hey, Harland, we had a brisk conversation back in 2007 on the television. or it might have been early 2008. You were in France filming a movie or something. I called the radio host of 103.5 The Fox in Denver and he said, I could talk to you.

I just want you to know that it meant a lot to me. I love your movies and I listen to the Harland Highway and my favorite one was the Yoda rant with the spirit of Star Wars in the air. I would love to hear it again. Any chance you could upload it, your fan, Britney West Hooper. Well, you know what? Maybe we'll, you know, I like that idea, Brittany. Star Wars fever is in the air, and maybe that's what I should do.

Early in the new year, I should call Yoda. And, you know, I noticed Yoda was not in the new Star Wars. And I think we'd all like to know why. So that's a very good idea. Let me, Roger, mark that down very early in the new year. let's get Yoda on the line and find out why he wasn't in the movie. Thank you, Brittany, for your letter. Happy New Year, and let's move on.

All right. I'd love getting letters from you guys. Let's see who else we got. Here's one, Annie Overspying. Wow, it's like three girls in a row. We get a lot of girls writing, but the girls are a little more hesitant to phone and leave voicemail. So I urge you, girls, don't be afraid.

of the voicemail thing. I know you ladies like to talk. Whoops, a daisy. Anyways, it says, Harland, you rock. Hi, Harlan. My boyfriend, Dave and I are huge fans. We've seen you a few times

in Burbank, California, at Flappers Comedy Club, even once at Togo's grabbing a sandwich in Studio City. All right. My biggest regret, as I was being considered of you having dinner, was not walking up to you to

you how much we appreciate your comedy hope to see your show soon thanks annie oh well that's so nice annie um i appreciate that you know it it's i do i do have people approach me all the time to say things and and i'm i'm usually pretty fine with it but sometimes there are awkward times like when you're eating dinner or when you're at dinner with a guest or a friend or whoever And so you kind of nailed it. I think you did the right thing. You know, approaching someone in the middle of a meal is a little bit awkward. Because, you know, half the time when people approach me, it's like my mouth is full.

And if my mouth isn't full, my food's getting cold. Or, you know, eating's a bit of an intimate thing to do. So you made the right call. If you saw me walking out the door or something, that's another thing. But I appreciate you being respectful. And yes, please take a look. Take a look at my stand-up comedy special to see if I'm going to be near you anytime soon. Folks, just so you know, I just posted the first few stand-up comedy gigs of 2016 on my website, harlunwilums.com.

Just go to the comedy link and you can see where I will be. and if I'm near you, come on out and see me as Annie did. So again, thank you, Annie. I do appreciate the wonderful letter. Let's move on. Okay, this is fun. This is fun. Who do we got here?

Oh, here we go. This is from John Larson. All right, we have a dude writer now. His subject is Rocket Man. Hey, Harland. Hey, Bud. He says, good morning. I just watched your parents.

with your buddy Rapti, and the kids and I thought we haven't seen Rocket Man in forever. Rocket Man, as you know, is a Disney movie I did. Way back almost 20 years ago. Good Lord. The letter continues, Then we remembered, I borrowed it to someone, and they never gave it back. GER! Anywho, used to sell an autographed copy for 20 bucks.

Am I correct? Can we still get one of those? and if so, could I pay a bit extra to get it personalized? I am a subscriber and listen to you as much as I can, my friend. You make me laugh and I get your humor and hope you keep the podcast going forever. Well, I don't know if my ghost is going to want to do it, but, you know, I certainly will while I'm still here.

My ghost, you'll have to take that up with my ghost. The letter finishes, let me know if we can work something out, Harland. We would love something that came straight from you. have a good day and chicken chamein well john thank you so much uh rocket man uh is a is a really fun movie and i'm so glad you like it unfortunately i did used to sell them for 20 bucks a pop autograph uh and but they were DVDs and i don't really sell many DVDs anymore the only DVDs i have are of my my last comedy special and my fudgey wudge face movie but i do no long don't have the Disney Rocket Man DVDs anymore just because kind of everyone's phasing the DVDs out

and I didn't want to have a big surplus of them and then you know only sell like two a year and suddenly I'm stuck with like 90 boxes of DVDs you see where I'm coming from buddy and I'm glad you like the Periscope with Rapti a Periscope is an app that I do from time to time and Rapti is one of the characters I do. He's a Velociraptor, and sometimes we review movies together. So thank you so much, man. Sorry we don't have a Rocket Man still available,

but try ordering Fudgy Wudgey Fudge Facer. If you want something personalized for me, please go to my website, harlotwiliams.com, and go into the web store. And I do have hand-drawn t-shirts that are one-of-a-kind. I draw them myself. I think there's a couple left on the site. But there are other things on there that I autograph.

So take a look and thank you for your letter, John. John, John, John. John. Let's see what else we got here, gang. Okay, I think this could be our last letter here, just because, you know, we don't want to go through too many here because, you know, we got things to do. Here's the last letter right here.

This is from Debbie, and her subject is your show's message from Debbie. I love your sense of humor. It's so uplifting and funny, and it helps me because I love the silliness of it. Cheers. You are very special, and I appreciate you very much, Debbie. Well, you know, isn't that nice?

Debbie, that just warms my heart. Thank you for your kind words. It's a great way to end the show. And I will keep the silly humor coming. I'm glad you love it and to all the people out there that love it. Just so, you know, I love doing it. And it keeps me going when I get feedback like that, knowing that it's reaching other people and putting a smile on your face.

So, Debbie, I truly appreciate your letter. I appreciate all your letters, gang. If you want to drop me a letter, you can go to my website, harlandwilliams.com. And you'll see a contact link on there. Just click on that. You can write whatever you want. Or if you'd rather leave a phone message, 323-739-43-33-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3 is the number. Nobody answers.

It's just a message machine, so you can say whatever. you want Another letter from our listener's day Also as I said Check out my stand-up comedy link while you're at Harlan Williams.com

New dates have been posted for 2016, going to be fun And as I said If you want something personalized or something fun Please check into the store The Harlandwilms.com merchandise store online

at the website. Just click the store link and you are in. And maybe you'll see something there that you would like to have. Okay, gang, that is it. Don't walk off any cliffs. Maybe put one of those little brake pads on your heel bone. You know, the kind that sometimes they have on the back of skateboards or, no, they have them on the back of rollerblades.

They got that little pad that you can break with. Since our heels are so ugly, maybe we might as well install some little brake pads so we don't walk into things while we're looking at our cell phones. See how I tied it all together as we get through this no man's land podcast. But nonetheless, looking forward to it, I think we have an interesting New Year's Eve podcast coming up. I'm pretty sure my boss, Mr. Featherstone, will have me doing something for the New Year's Eve podcast, which will be our next one. I hope it's nothing too ridiculous. And I hope you guys have something fun to do on New Year's Eve.

Happy New Year to everyone. Happy holidays as we are still in the midst of it. And I'm glad you took some time out to listen to the podcast and we could share this time together. But we'll leave it right there. And, you know, be sure to get the Harland Highway As, on your cell phone, Android or Apple. Just go into your app store and type in the Harlan Highway.

And you can get all the comedy you want through my app on your cell phone. So there it is. Happy New Year. We will see you next time. And until then, chicken. Chalman, baby? You don't want to be walking and using your cell phone. You don't want to be distracted by anything when you're in an area.

where you can be put at risk.