The Harland Highway - 728 - NEW YEARS SHOW - Countdown to 2016

Episode Date: December 31, 2015

It's our NEW YEARS show. Harland makes 2016 predictions and he is forced to attend the midnight countdown at the request of his boss Mr. Featherstone. HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL. HAVE A WONDERFUL AND PROSPEROUS 2016 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy New Year, Happy New Year Happy New Year! Happy New Year on this New Year's Day. May the snow be wider and the sun be brighter when you're out to play. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy. Everybody, happy new year. from the Harland Highway. Welcome to the Harland Highway New Year's show.

What a treat. I'm Harland Williams. This is the Harland Highway podcast, and this is the last one of the year 2015. My oh my, how the time flies. It kind of makes you sad, but it kind of makes you happy that there's new things ahead. Oh, it's just sentimental and so many things fill my head at this time of year.

But tonight, we're just going to have fun. We got some New Year songs, as you can hear, playing in the background. I'm going to be talking about New Year's just in general as a day, as a holiday. I'm going to be going up to my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone. Roger told me he has something planned. for us this new year's eve some kind of a countdown i'm praying it's not the annual harland highway guide drop that we've done the last two years horrific so i can only imagine what he's got up his sleeve let's hope it's something normal also i'm going to be doing my my 10

predictions for 2016 that's right i've got 10 new year's predictions for the year 2016 it's going to be a lot of fun thanks for joining us happy new year to all of you guys from me to you right here on the harland highway what is this some kind of a joke or something welcome to the harland highway what you're talking about wood son you got a panty on your head shut up and sit down you big ball fuck oh god what's happening here what's happened hey harland it's You just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing,

not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? Opening. To what? To another dimension.

This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hey, hey, hey, everybody, welcome to the New Year's show here at the Harland Highway podcast. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Oh, I'm kind of, I'm a little bit sad that another year's gone by and I'm a little bit older and you're a little bit older and everything's a little bit older. But it's the beginning of a fresh new start. We don't look back. We look forward. Although I do want you to look back on all the wonderful things.

that may have happened to you throughout the last year. Let's not forget all the good things that happened. Maybe you got married. Maybe you got a raise. Maybe you found God. Maybe you found the love of your life. Maybe you found something very simple, like an old ring behind the couch,

stuffed in the pillows with all the chips and the cheese puffs. And maybe some bad things happened to you this year. It's probably a little mixture of both, but let's learn from the bad things. Let's let's glean knowledge from the downs that we might have had. And let's pick ourselves up and brush ourselves off. And anything negative that happened to put it, chalk it up as experience and put it behind you. You know, it's like I always said, if I were to ask you a year from now, what was bothering you at this time last year

you'd probably go you know I don't really remember so you know don't let anything anything that's hanging over your head bring you down try not to bring any negative energy into the new year keep it positive

keep your head up keep a smile on your face and I want to thank all of you guys first of all for being here, for being part of this podcast, for all your phone calls and your letters and your suggestions and your praise and your criticism and all the things that we share together here.

I sure hope that I was able to put some more laughter into your heart this year and some smiles on your face and maybe some thoughts in your head. And I will commit to doing that again in this new year coming up. A little bittersweet note here. Unfortunately, Roger told me that at the beginning of the show, and I walked into the studio, I was drinking my hot chocolate, excited to do the show, and he mentioned that Mr. Featherstone, my boss,

has a New Year's Eve thing planned. I don't know what it is. Maybe by some miracle will be something nice and positive, or maybe it'll be the hellish nightmare that it was last year and the year before where he made me go out and find a suicide victim and instead of doing a ball drop countdown, he made me do a suicide jumper countdown. And it was just horrible.

Just horrible. He calls it the Harland Highway Guide drop. And I still have night shivers over it. so unfortunately i have to go up and get my marching orders for the new year's eve show here i hope it's something fun and delightful uh rogers waving to me he's looking he's pointing to his watch okay i got it am i wired okay i'm all wired up he says i've got the portable mic on and it looks like i'm going to head upstairs um and uh and uh i'm going to be wired so you guys can hear my

conversation with my boss Mr. Featherstone on the 12th floor and let okay I'm okay Roger Roger's saying I got to get up there right now so we will catch you when we're up there gang and

we'll see how this New Year's Eve plays out happy new year have a great one and here we go what does my tattoo say? Sweet! What about mine? Dude what is mine say? Sweet. What about mine?

Dude, what does mine say? Sweet! What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet. What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet!

What about mine? Dude, what does mine say? Sweet. What about mine? Dude. What does mine say? Sweet! You, you're an idiot!

Well, here I am on the 12th floor. I'm going into my boss's office right now. Here we go. Uh, hello, sir, uh, Mr. Featherstone, sir. Hello. Yes, sir. Uh, how are you today, sir? Who wants to know?

What are you, the, uh, CIA? No, sir, it's, it's Harlan Williams. Hello? Sir, sir, it's Harland Williams from the Harland Highway Podcast. What, how, howly, wowly, plopla? Sir, it's Harland Williams from the Harland Highway podcast. Howley, well, hula, hula, plop, plah. You know, sir, forget it.

It's Harland. All right, well, why didn't you say so? What's with the tongue twisters? What are you, uh, Sally Cshells at the seashore? It's not Sally, sir. It's, forget it. What are you, uh, that Peter Piper picked a packle of pickles at the, uh, pickle packer place? Sir, you called me up here for the New Year's Eve situation.

Oh, you're the guy from downstairs that does the radio thing. It's a podcast, sir. A, yeah, the plod plop. Yes, sir. Now don't give me the rolly eyes Are you rolling your eyes at me? No, sir, but I'm a little frustrated That you never know who I am or what I do

Well, if you're going to come into my office And give me the big rolly eyes like Garfield the cat Sir, I was not giving you Garfield the cat eyes I'll stand you right up on your head And roll you out the door on your big puffed up Garfield eyes Sir I'll roll you right down to the Swiss laundromat

and have them bleach your asshole Sir I came up here for the New Year's thing Oh yeah the New Year Before we get into that Let me ask you something Yes sir

Have you ever farted Oh here we go Hold on Have you ever farted On a cheesecake factory waitress? Sir, I don't fart on things. How about a cheesecake factory waitress?

No. Why would I do that, sir, Mr. Featherstone? Why would I break wind on a cheesecake factory waitress? I don't know. Why wouldn't you? Sir! I mean, I'm sure you probably break wind on your waiter friends down to those funny little bars you go to all.

on Saturday night. I... Sir, I do not go to funny little bars. Oh, really? How about that place downtown on 4th and 29th? Which place is that, sir? You know the one? The hills have eyes?

The hills have eyes. Yeah, except they spelled eyes. A-N-U-S. The hills have anus? Ah, sir? Ah! Sir, can we get to the New Year's Eve thing The Hills have anus?

Hey, that's, I didn't name the place. You giving me a problem? Who are you? You know, uh, John Hinkley Jr. or somebody? John Hinkley, Jr. It's not the guy that shot Ronald Reagan? You tell me, you just seem to know guys. Sir, would you stop?

Sir, New Year's Eve. Yeah, what about it? What are we doing this year, sir? Well, do you remember last year? Yes, sir, I do, and I'm not doing it again. I'm not doing the New Year's Eve guide drop. We did it two years in a row where you forced me to go out in the street with a crew and do a countdown once we located someone who was suicidal on the ledge of a building

and as they counted Dan, instead of a... I know, instead of the ball dropping, we did the countdown as the suicide guy jumped off the ledge. Horrible, sir. Horrible, my twisted ball freckle. Sir? We had the highest ratings two years in a row than we've ever had on your prod prop. It's a podcast. Whatever.

So if you think we're not going to do something spectacular on New Year's Eve, you're out of you. You can suck the freckle on my left bag. Sir? Oh, what? So suddenly you've gotten aversion to a bag? That's probably not what the guys are your funny little bar have to say. I don't go to funny little bars.

Oh, really? How about the sticky hairbrush down on 29th? The sticky hairbrush, sir. Uh, sir? Uh, can we get on with this, sir? All right, here's what we're doing this year. We're changing the New Year's Eve format. Thank God.

Now, some of the board members thought that maybe we should do something for the disabled this year. Well, there you go, sir. I think that we're going in a good direction. And they request that we do something for the kids. Well, that's your two for two, sir. The disabled and kids, I'm on board already. Good. Because here's what we're going to do.

We're going to do velociraptors on ice. Velociraptors on ice, sir? Yes. Well, that sounds kind of intriguing. You got you piqued my interest. I bet I did. Sir? Can you just explain to me what it is?

Well, children love dinosaurs, am I right? Of course, sir. All kids love dinosaurs. And I had to find, you know, some kind of charitable organization that we can help. Of course, sir. So what I found was this organization with disabled people. Okay.

And? Well, the disability is their, uh, you know, the philidomide people. Excuse me, sir? Philidomides. Philidomides, sir, you mean the, the people, that's right, the people who, the children from the, you know, 60s and 70s, the mothers took the birth control pill before it was perfected and, uh, all kinds of kids came out with little arms that looked like claws, little stumps. Wait a minute, sir.

Are you... Let me finish. So we got these flimidamidamide kids, people, right? Okay. They're disabled, right? Yes, they're disabled, sir. And kids love dinosaurs. Okay.

So I'm putting the two together, Velociraptors on ice. Sir, don't. go there. What we're doing is we're putting the phallidomide people on ice skates and they're going to skate around in the arena with their little claws and they're going to make Velasiraptor noises. Sir, no. No, no, no, no, no.

Oh yes, we are. We're going to have velociraptors on ice. Sir, no. I'm not doing this. You're going to do it. I'm going to cut your podcast. Are you telling me, you're taking people The phythomide people who had a physical deformity,

their little hands and arms crinkled up into claws. That's right. And you're saying they look like velociraptors? You know, T-Rexes, velociraptors, all in the Velociraptor. And wait a minute. You're going to put them on ice? That's right. You slow them in ice skates.

You swirl them around. give money. It's a great cause, and you're going to teach them how to make Velociraptor noises, and then at midnight we're going to do a countdown, and they're going to count down doing Velociraptor calls. Okay, sir, I got to go. This is no way. So you don't want to help in charity, and you don't want to help the disabled. Of course they do, sir, but velociraptors on ice using philitomide people is not the way to go. is insensitive it's it's probably not right oh so who made you god judge and uh judge judy sir let me ask you something yes sir have you ever farted into a bowl of hazelnuts sir i thought we were talking about answer the question no i haven't farted into a bowl of hazelnuts

you should try it. It gives you that nutty, uh, bayou smell. Bayou smell. Well, you know, you get the swamp gas and you get the hint of nut. Sir, I'm sorry, but I can't go through with this. Velociraptors on ice. You're going to go through with it and you're going to get down there. It's going to be midnight soon. I got the crew waiting outside and you're going to have those velociraptors skating around. The people are going to love it, and at midnight they're going to count down from 10 using velocirapticals, or you're fired. You've got to be kidding me, sir. This is worse than the guide drop.

Speaking of a guy drop, what was the last time you had a guy drop on you at one of your funny little bars? Sir! How about that place over on 49th and 12th? What are you talking about, sir? the frozen popsicle sir now get it there goes my phone

get out of here get down to the ice rink for new years you're going to be late and get the uh velociraptors on ice started sir don't serve me or you're going to get a pink slip oh god now get out there I'll see you down there later when we do the countdown

the velociraptor calls Unbelievable, sir Get out of here, I got to take the phone call Go fought on a cheesecake waitress Sir! Get out of here! I'm going, sir! I'm just saying this is the worst idea ever. Get out of here!

Unbelievable! Velociraptors on ice. I'm already apologizing to everybody. The only The only weird thing is he's going to raise money for people with disabilities and for kids. And somehow this idiotic thing works. And I'm ashamed to be a part of it. Hey, everybody.

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when we do the Velociraptors on ice, Velociraptor countdown to the new year. Hi, Betty, happy New Year. Betty? All right, well, she just flipped me off. I guess some things never change. I'll see you, midnight, gang. Unbelievable.

be forgot and never brought to mind. Should old acquaintance be forgot and days of old blanks? Yes, yes, another year goes by the wayside. And as we roll into a new year, I thought I would offer up my 10, 2016 New Year's predictions. Here they go from 10 all the way up to 1. Number 10, Hillary Clinton wins the White House, and in keeping with the Clinton family tradition, molests a male intern in the Oval Office using a cigar.

That's number 10. Number 9. The space station crashes to Earth and lands on a Chipotle, 12 die, and four are grilled with onions and peppers. Number eight, Donald Trump's hair beats out a Yorkshire Terrier to win Best in Show at the 2016 dog breeders. Cup. Congratulations, Donald. Number seven, three members of the Brady Bunch die in 2016, and they lose the moniker bunch, and the Brady Bunch gets retitled the Brady Cluster. It makes sense. Number six, cancer is cured, but all the Kardashians are still alive. So, kind of redundant, maybe.

Number five, oh, number five. Barney, the dinosaur, joins the Avengers, joins the Avengers and gets fisted by the Hulk. Barney, the dinosaur, joins the Avengers, and gets fisted by the Hulk in 2016. Wow. Number four, here we go. Number four, 2016 prediction.

Drake. Rap singer Drake comes out. Rap singer Drake comes out, but the homosexual community pushes him right back in. Wow. He must be too gay even for the homosexual community. Yeah, he comes out and they push him right back in. Number three, Apple releases a new product in 2016 called the eye gun. It's a, smart gun and will only shoot stupid people. Well, that might be a good thing. We might all benefit from that. Prediction number

2, 2016. Pixar releases another animated movie for grown-ups. It's called Adult Toy Story about a lovable little vibrator and his dildo buddy

and how they try to rescue their friend, Mr. Ames. Anal Balls from a scary cave. Isn't that cute? Vibrator and dildo buddy try to rescue their friend Mr. Anil Balls from a big scary cave. And number one, the number one 2016 Harland Highway prediction. Global warming accidentally heats up all the pizza pockets on the planet and the world has a giant pizza party.

Hello. I like that one. That's a good one. Barney, the dinosaur, getting fisted by the Hulk. Not so good, but pizza pockets for everyone real good. So there you go. Those are my 2016 predictions. They usually always come true.

You can take them to the bank. So there you go. I think it's time. Roger's signaling to me that it's getting late, that we've got to head downtown. We're going to put on the remote equipment, and Roger's going to play one more New Year's song for you here, and then I will meet you guys down,

and I want to apologize in advance. This was not my doing. This is my boss, Mr. Featherstone. The only good thing is we're going to raise money for the disabled and to put on a show for the kids. I don't know how it's going to go. I've got to go down to the ice rink and teach the philidomides

how to make raptor noises. And we will meet you down there when we do our countdown to midnight at velociraptors on ice. Roger, hit another New Year's Eve tune and then we'll see you there, gang. Oh, it's you. Flowers for you, Miss Lennon.

Won't do me much good now. My date stood me up. Oh. Maybe it's much too early in the game. Oh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same. What are you doing, New Year? New Year's Eve. Wonder whose arms will hold you good and tight

when it's exactly 12 o'clock tonight welcoming in the new year, New Year's Year. Maybe I'm crazy to suppose I'd ever be the one you chose Out of a thousand invitations you'll receive one little chance Here comes the jackpot question

In advance What am I doing New Year's New Year's Eve What are you doing New Year's New Year's

What are we waiting for? Let's go. Okay. Oh, boy. Here we go. New Year's Eve. Hi, gang. I'm here down at the arena.

Everything's set up. The crowds here, as you can hear in the background. The skaters are, that the people are skating around. The nice people that my boss assembled are skating around. They look happy. They're nice people. Are they the phallidomides? Hello, Mr. Featherstone.

Don't hello me. I asked you if those are my velociraptors. Sir, they're not velociraptors. They're people. I know the people, and we're trying to help them. They're the philidomides. You don't have to call them that, sir. What do you want me to call them?

The roly-poly daisy-wazisies? The what? I don't know. What do you want me to call them? Sir, I don't think the term the philidomides is the appropriate term. Well, let me ask you something. Yes, sir? Do they have philidamide?

Yes? Well, then they're philitomides. Sir! They have an affliction that was through no fault of their own. They're victims of the birth control pills that were not all to get. Don't give me a lecture on history. We're here to help these people. They're having fun.

They're skating around. We're making money for charity. for the Philidamide Society, and these kids are having a blast. They get to watch Velociraptists skate around. Look at their faces. These kids are going nuts. It's like a lot.

It's like Jurassic Park out there with the Philidomides. Sir, I really don't like this comparison. Well, if you don't like raising money for charity and helping kids and helping people that are disabled, I don't know what planet you're from, You might as well be down drinking hot apple cider in one of your funny little bars downtown. Sir, I do not go to funny little bars downtown. Ah, sir?

Ah, I do not. Oh, really? How about that one down at 14th and 9th Street? Which one, sir? You know the one. Danny's got a unicorn? Danny's got a unicorn. Oh, see, that rolled right off your tongue, didn't it?

You and your guy friends. Sir, I do not have guy friends. Now, what is... Hang on, hold on, it looks like we're getting close to new... Now, I hope you train these philidomides to do the velociraptor calls. Sir, I did not train them. They're not animals. Well, they show...

They look like... They look like... Don't say it, sir. Velociraptors. Sir, they... They cannot help that their fingers are curled up into little nubs. It's a medical deformation, and I almost feel like you're taking advantage of these poor people. Well, if you think raising money for charity and putting a smile on kids' faces and helping the philidomides,

sir, you've said that a number of times. Well, maybe I'll say it a few more to get it through your nutcracker head. Sir, I do not have a nutcracker head I bet you've had a nutcracker on your head I'll just, you know what I mean down to your funny little bars with your guy friends Sir, I do not go to funny little bars

with my guy friends Ah, sir? Ah, sir What about that one down on 10th Street Right at the corner by 12th, 10th and 12th What are you talking about, sir?

You know the one? The slippery fry pan? The slippery fry pan. You know it. I do not know it, sir. Ah, sir? Ah. Hold on.

Hold on. It sounds like they're starting the countdown. Now here's what I want. When the countdown starts, I want these velociraptors. Sir, they're not velociraptors. All right, the Philidomone. Sir? I want the phalidomide raptors swirling around and every time there's a number counted, I want to hear a raptor call for the kids. Sir, I did my best. You know, these people, I don't know that they really understand what you've asked them to do here.

Well, let's just get on with it before we're just celebrating 20 years from now, you slow ass. Sir? Ow, I want to hear a Velociraptor, did you train them? I did my best, sir. Let me hear what you taught them. Sir? Let me hear your Velociraptor. Do it.

All right. It sounds like this. Hey, that's not bad. What's your name? Harland. Harland. Harland will. William, sir.

Sir! Hold on, the countdown's starting. I better hear these velociraptors calling as they go by. Here we go. Here it comes. I can hear the crowd, but there's the clock ticking. Yes, sir. The countdown has begun.

We still have a little ways to go. Well, what are you, Sesame Street? What does that mean, sir? I don't know, you're going to teach me to count there, Oscar the Gras. Grouch. Sir, I'm just saying we're still a few. There's still a little ways to go. I like the way these velociraptors are skating around in circles. Listen to the kids. They love it. Sir, they're not velociraptors. Go ahead. Say it. They're people, sir. You were going to say

philidomides. Here we go. I want to hear those noises. That's pretty good. I can hear them. I can hear the velociraptors. They're not velociraptors, sir. They're human beings. They're people with philidomide. You train them pretty good.

Did you give them some doggy treats? Sir, you know what? I'm just choke and relax. What's the matter with you? Can you have a few laughs on New Year's Eve? Sir, it's very tough to laugh on New Year's Eve when there's 32 people out there who suffer from philidomide going around in circles. And you call this event Velociraptors on ice because they got they got little clawed up fingers. Whoopty-do. Nobody's died. I told you this is for charity. Kids love it.

When are the kids, the kids don't have time machines? When are they ever going to get to go back to the Paleozoic era or whatever it is to see a live velociraptor? And tonight we did it. Sir, this is not the way I wanted to start my year. Well, too bad. We did it. Happy New Year. What's your name?

Harlan Williams. Well, you don't need to be so crabby on the first day of the year. sir can i go now have you fed the velociraptors sir i'm just kidding relax yeah you can go happy new year how how uh harland whatever and let me ask you now that it's uh 2016 let me ask you something yes sir have you ever farted on a dinosaur egg sir i got a go go. You get back here. I got to go, sir. Happy New Year. See you, sir. Goodbye. You get back here. I'm probably going to one of your funny little bars, aren't you? Goodbye, sir. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Wow, I cannot walk away from that fast enough. I'm slowly putting some distance between me

and the skating facility and my boss, Mr. Featherstone. First of all, my apologies to anybody who was offended by what he made me do. I'm not happy about it, but you know he's got a nut loose and, you know, I just, if I don't do what he says, I get fired every year. So happy New Year, everyone. I'm sorry it had to end, the old one had to end, and the new one had to start on such a ridiculous, offensive note.

But I'm going to do my best to not let him push me around this year. And we're going to have a great year. We're going to have a great year of podcasting, lots of laughs, lots of fun. And be sure and join the premium membership, if you can. Make that your New Year's resolution. at the Harland Highway app at your app store. Just type in the Harland Highway or Harland Highway and join our mobile app for your Apple or your Android device.

And please join get the free app and join our premium membership. That's your New Year's resolution. I just made it for you. But all that being said, thanks for being with me for yet another year on the Harlan Highway. To you, all my faithful listeners, and to you, the people that just drop in and out of the show. And for you, this might be your first and last time listening to the podcast, I don't know. But I want to thank you for listening. And we certainly hope you have a great, great, great, great new year.

We'll be here bringing you the laughs and the nuttiness. Oh, God. And, you know, get out there, smile, be nice to people, follow your dreams, make this the year to do something different, do something special. If you're in a funk, make this the year to get out of your funk. And if you're not in a funk, make this the year that you put it into another gear and take it up another level. How about that?

Wishing you and yours all the very best. Happy, happy new year. And until next time, everybody, chicken chalemain, baby. One minute to midnight, one minute to go. One minute to say goodbye before we say hello. Let's start the New Year right, 12 o'clock tonight when they dim the light. Let's begin, kissing the old year out, kissing the new year is, let's let's let the old year die With a fine goodbye and our hopes as high as they tie

How can our love go wrong if we start the new year on? Here's to us, my darling, my dear, Here's to us tonight, for what might happen next year for it might not be nearly as bright but here to us for better or worse than for thanks to a merciful star through the praise we've managed to stay tightly foolish and gay as we are and here's to us for nothing at all if there's nothing at all we can pray Just that we're together and here for the rest of our beautiful day.

Let's let the old here die. Win a fun goodbye, and our hope is highest look high. How can we love is wrong is we start by. Start the new year, right now, happy new year! Thank you.