The Harland Highway - 729 - YODA calls the show to discuss why he's not in NEW Star Wars movie.

Episode Date: January 4, 2016

YODA calls the show to discuss why he's not in NEW Star Wars movie. Clearing customs at the airport. Happy New Year thoughts from Harland. Hear your rear!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the first podcast of the year. Yes, it is. Happy 2016, everybody. Welcome to our first show of the year. Another year. I think we've been doing this show five years now. Maybe this might be year six. Unbelievable.

Great to have you here. What a show we have today. Crazy stuff happening. Everyone's wondering why Yoda didn't appear in the brain. brand new mega hit the new Star Wars movie. Guess what? We've got the scoop. We have Yoda calling in to tell us exclusively here at the Harlan Highway.

He's going to be calling in later in the show to tell us exactly why he refused to come back and appear on the new Star Wars when all his other cast members did. This is going to be very revealing and incredibly interesting. Also, we're going to just be talking about the new year, what it means. means what we can do to make it the best ever. And also, I'm going to bitch a little bit on the first podcast of the year. I'm tired of having to walk through customs when I land at an international airport. You hear what pisses me off.

I have a feeling it might piss you off, too. But we're not angry. We're just having fun. That's what we do. It's 2016. Let's go, everybody. This is the Harland Highway. Where am I?

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened?

Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. Yeah. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place?

The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man.

That is fantastic. Well, look at you. Will you look at you? Look at you making it all the way to 2016. Holy jumping, man. We did it, everybody. We canoed through 2015. We made it down the rapids and through the rocks and over the waterfalls.

And we pulled the boat ashore. We made it. Now we're in a brand new year. 2016. CY. Y. B.I. C.Y. B.I. Can you believe it? I just invented a new, like, thing. C. Y. B.I. C. Y. B.I. Whatever. C. Y. B. A. Can you believe that? Okay. First annoying thing of 2016, right there. C. Y. B.I. Right. out of the gate. Something totally, deeply, deeply annoying. CYBI, can you believe that? Wow. You know what? Let's get back in the canoe, paddle up the waterfall,

back through the rapids, through the rocks. Let's quickly get back to 2015 before I ever invented CYBI. Like he wants to get back in time in a canoe Like CYBI Can you believe that? Wow I have to apologize I didn't think I'd be apologizing In the very first podcast of 2016

But I'm profusely apologizing for CYBI Whoa Brutal Well you know if we've hit rock bottom The only way is up, right? But welcome, everybody, to a brand new fresh year. Let's make this one count. Do something amazing.

Get out of your little box that you live in. I know you're comfortable and you have your little routine. Do something different this year. That's my challenge to you. Go somewhere exotic. Do something you've never done. Finish writing that novel. you started years ago.

Do something. Make a little list and put it on your fridge. Three things. That's my homework assignment for you. Three things you want to accomplish in 2016. It could be anything you want. But try and make them something out of the ordinary.

Like if you go to work every day at 9 to 5, don't go, well, I think I'm going to take Pop-Tarts into work, and on my lunch break, put them in the toaster and have Pop-Tarts. No, no, no. Come on. Challenge yourself. Three things. Write them down. Put them on the fridge. And then throughout the year, cross them out. Just three things. And I want to hear about them from you guys as we go through the year. And as we get towards the end of the year, I hope I hear that you, crossed your list off. And if you don't, you're not trying hard enough.

Maybe you're being lazy. Maybe you're not pushing yourself to get outside of your comfort zone. Let's say you've never been scuba diving. Maybe that's something on the list. Maybe skydiving. Maybe, I don't know, going out to that restaurant you've always wanted to go to and spending $300 on a meal. Maybe you've always wanted to go to Australia.

Maybe you've wanted to buy a sports car. Maybe you've wanted to do something naughty in the bedroom that you've never tried. It's all valid. Write it down. It's the beginning of the year. I want to hear about it as we go through the year. And maybe just maybe, this little motivational speech I'm giving you, At the end of 2016, you'll be like, you know, I never would have done this stuff if it wasn't for Harland.

If Harlan hadn't told me to make that list and put it on the fridge, I wouldn't have done all this great stuff. I love it. So there you go. That's my 2016 challenge to you. Okay? So let's kick it off. Let's have a good one. Let's try and make it a great, great year, everybody.

Let's try and fulfill some of our dreams. You know, dreams are an important thing. Sometimes you think your dreams are just down the road a ways. They're around the corner ways. Yeah, you know, in a couple of years, I'm going to do this and that. And in five years after that, I'm going to do, no, no, no. If you've got some dreams, get the motor running now. because life comes at you quickly.

Life sneaks up on you time. Time goes by quickly. So I recommend you if you have some dreams, there's no reason you can't get them going this year. Oh yeah, maybe that's part of your three-point list for 2016. I'm excited to hear what you guys have to say about it as we go through the year. I want some feedback. I want some reports.

Even if you just knock off one of them, let's say by March, you're like, you know, I did that thing that I said I was going to do. It's on my list. I'm going to call Harland or I'm going to email Harlan and let them know. And I'm excited, genuinely excited to hear about it. 323-739-430 is the phone number or go to the website, Harlan Williams.com, all the contact. Info is right there.

So here we go. Here's me wishing you a great, wonderful, happy, successful, exciting, adventurous year. Happy New Year, everybody. Let's have another year of fun here on the Harlan Highway. And let's go get them, huh? Let's go get them, Tiger. Let's go get them. Here we go.

Happy New Year 2016. You're such a fuck-ass. What? Please. Did you just call me a fuck-ass? Elizabeth, that's enough. You can go suck a fuck. Oh, please tell me, Elizabeth.

How exactly does one suck a fuck? You want me to tell you? We will not have this at the dinner table. Stop. Well, I don't know if you got to spend time with your family over the holidays. Many of us, you know, we fly to our families or we have our families come to us or we drive. whatever, we'd spend time with the family. And I don't know if you had to fly at all this year,

but have you ever noticed when you fly to a different country? Like I went down to Mexico for a wedding in December. And I had to fly back into the U.S., into Los Angeles. And this seems to happen to me every time I go somewhere, whether I land in Canada, whether I land in Australia, whether I land anywhere where I have to clear customs, is it just me or does this happen to you that they put you on the plane that parks at the gate

farthest from the customs check-through? In other words, you know, if you're at one end of the airport, your plane pulls up to the little jetway and the customs are literally like a 15-minute walk almost across the whole freaking airport

now I won't be griping if this was just you know once or twice this seems to happen to me every day do they plan this do they say okay let's let's get the flights that need to check in to the customs area let's put them as far away as possible right at the very end jetway

the very very very end gate the polar opposite direction of where we are and let's make them drag their bags and walk all the way miles and miles 15 miles 20 miles whatever it is until they finally get to the customs and then after that long 20 30 mile walk we can let them stand in line for another 20 or 30 hours I mean I'm not joking man it's like I I never get the plane pull up at terminal, you know, gate seven. Okay, let's say, let's say customs is at gate one, okay?

And my jet pulls up to jetway seven. So, okay, that's like a two, three minute walk. No, no, no, no. I'm always on the plane that pulls into jetway, you know, 53. It's unbelievable. And, you know, I'm a fit guy, but there's people on the plane. There's people hobbling with crutches. There's old people.

There's kids. Almost everyone's hauling something nowadays because no one wants to check anything in because they want to charge you extra. I mean, should they make it a rule that international flights get to pull in as close as possible to the customs area I mean I've actually taken the time to look out the window and go yep I'm at the very tip

the very very end of where the airplane gates are I'm at the very tip there are no more after you leave if you were to walk out the ass end of my plane you would be walking across the runway there's no more structures there's no more airport, there's no more nothing.

And this is where I pull in. And they know it. They know where the flights are coming from. What's the deal? I mean, I don't mind, you know, it's almost nice, a little vigorous walk after you've been sitting on a plane, but come on.

It seems to happen every single time. So there you go. Right out of the gate. 2016, I'm just bitching. Just had to get that off my chest, everybody. Whew, feels good. Now, let's get on with some good old-fashioned fun and games. Hey, Dad.

Yeah, Sally. Can I ask you something? Sure. Do you douche? Well, sure I doosh. Should I doosh, too? Sometimes I feel stuffy. Dushing not only helps you with your stuff.

stuffiness, it makes you feel fresher. Here, try this. What is it, Dad? That's the pumpkin spice douche. Oh, wow. It sure smells nice like a candle. It does smell like a candle. Now try it like this. Oh, where do I stick it? Well, here's a receptacle tip, and you just take it like this, and then you... Oh, it hurts. Just stuff it up there, Sally. You'll feel fresh. Oh, there we go. Thanks for teaching me about douching, Dad.

Honeydew disposable douches Now available in Pumpkin Spice Trick or treat, Dad Okay, well I guess since we're starting the year off, one of the big stories has to be that right out of the gate, the new Star Wars

movie, directed by JJ Abrams and I wish it was directed by JJ from that sitcom, I think it was called Good Tom. I remember J.J. was always like, God, oh my! Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy. or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer

specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. That would have been good to see him direct that movie, but it was J.J. Abrams.

And one of them, you know, the movie's a huge hit. It's breaking every box office record ever set. And, you know, if you saw the movie, spoiler alert, you know, Luke Skywalker was back, Princess Leia was back, Chewbacca was back, and Solo was back, Artu D2 was back, C3Pio was back. You know who wasn't back? Was Yoda? Yeah, Yoda was not back in the movie. and I thought, geez, maybe something, that's a pretty glaring omission right there.

And maybe something's up. And so we had our team here at the Harlan Highway reach out, and Yoda has agreed to do an exclusive interview with us. And let's, Roger, have we got Yoda on the line from Hollywood? Okay, Yoda is on the line from Hollywood. We're going to get to the bottom of this right now, exclusive for the Harland Highway podcast, Yoda, one-on-one. Hello, Yoda, are you there, sir? Hmm, here I am.

Hello, Yoda. This is Harland Williams at the Harland Highway podcast. What an honor and a pleasure it is to have you here, sir. Mm, my pleasure is. Uh, yes, yes, absolutely. And you're, uh, you're living in Hollywood now? Mm, at Malibu, coast Malibu, ocean I am by. You're right by the ocean of Malibu.

That's, that's got to be nice. Pleasant it is. Dolphins. Swimming, splashing dolphins. Oh, dolphins out in the ocean in front of your place? Yes, is Oh, cool Well, listen, let's cut to the chase, Yoda As you know, Star Wars, the new Star Wars

Is just the lighting up the screens Success, it is very big It is success Oh, just a smash hit Hit smash Yeah, yeah, smash hit Hit smash Yes, a smash hit, Yon, yes, a smash hit,

Hit smash. Okay, well, if you want to say it backwards, hit smash. Smash, hit. Okay, let's get right to it. Can we just get right to it? Why were you not in this new giant blockbuster when all your other castmates were present?

I'm sorry? Hmm One who is Harry Have answer he must One who is hairy Must have answer he must Correct I say Um

Is this some kind of a riddle Tall is he Solo hand Friend is his He's tall and his friend is hand solo One who is hairy He is Here, oh, okay, wait a minute, Chewbacca?

Correct you are. What do you mean, Chewbott? You weren't in the new Star Wars because of Chewbacca? Down he held, forced on himself he did me. Sorry? Down he held forced on me himself. He, he held you down and forced himself. on you?

It's painful. It is hurt still, sore. What are you talking about? Trailer. Empire Strikes Back it was. In after hours, in the trailer, Harry 1 came. Hold on. You're on Empire Strikes Back.

It's after hours. And Chubacca comes into your star trailer? Yes, you are correct. Painful. Swollen red. Ouch. Hurt's it does. Wait a minute. What's swollen? What hurts? What are you talking about? Forced pin down. Nightmares do I have? Still, counseling. Expensive. What do you? Yoda? I'm getting bits and pieces here. Chewbacca came into your trail. Was there some kind of an altercation?

Rape. Excuse me? Rape, Harry, it was. Harry Rape? Rape, Harry. Harry Rape? Rape Harry. Okay, rape Harry.

Harry rape. Okay, would you quit turning things around? Are you... Wait a minute, this is quite the allegation. Are you saying that Tobaka came into your trailer after work and I don't like to

throw the R word around but were you raped by Chubaka? Maybe I know Who knows, maybe? Well what? Either you know or you don't know. You don't throw that out there, Mr. Yoda.

Check dilation hole. Check dilation hole. Still, sir. Open still. Wait a minute. Held head on their pillow and made noise, wookey, pleasure. Wait, he made pleasure, pleasurable wookie noises?

Correct. He liked, whee, like, it sounds like. What that? the hell was that? Orgasm, wookie. A wookie orgasm? Orgazim, wim, wookie.

A wookie orgasm. Orgazum, wookie. Okay, an orgasm, wookie. Wookie orgasm. Would you stop turning words around? Sir, you just made a rape charge against one of your co-stars. I think you're talking about a seven-foot, maybe eight-foot-tall hairy creature towering over I don't even know how tall you are.

Two-and-a-half feet am I? Two and a seven-foot hairy space dog and a two-and-a-half-foot chunk of relish? Mouth, you must watch, you will. Well, I'm just, I mean, visually, I don't even think that's impossible. That would be like putting a pine log in a log splitter. Exactly, painful hurt. Counseling, expensive, still swollen, red, puffy, smells. What do you mean it smells?

Wookie smell. Hole, stings. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sir, are you saying that you're not in the new Star Wars? And I'm trying to put this delicately because, Chewbacca came into your star trailer back in the 90s and you were, you were forcibly made to have sex with him? Correct you are.

In four prequel movies, Yoda digitally created. CGII, I was. Wait a minute, that's kind of true. And in the first two movies you appeared, it was you. And then everyone knows that in those horrible remakes they did, you were created digitally. It was like a CGI effect. Correct.

Yoda at home, nursing, whole, swollen red, stings like vinegar. Stings like vinegar. With iodine and salt, sea salt. Sea salt and iodine. Chubalka big, make pig burning hole in old men. Stop, okay. You're getting a big graphic, sir. You know, I don't know if I can continue this conversation.

Did you file any papers? Did you file any charges? Is there any documentation with the California courts? Check for yourself, you must. All torrent details inside they are. Okay, well, this is an outrageous. allegation, the fact that you're not in these new movies, because, and I'm going to say this, you were raped by Chewbacca the Whoopi in your star trailer.

Please stop painful memories they are. I can still hear the modes of pleasure. Okay. Sir, I'm sure we all sympathize with your pain and we understand it. But, you know, to recreate the sound of a wookie... Ejaculating on my green skin! Sir, before we go any further... In my little pieces of hair on my head. Sticky it was.

Stop it. Iceing vanilla, it was. Sir, we are going to verify this story. I think we better just end the... conversation right here because this is this is border this is out and out slanderous the idea that you're accusing

Chewbacca of of forcibly having unconsenting sex with you district attorney's office you must check papers filed by Yoda and you're sure that this wookie

raped you used the force he did Okay, sir, we're going to go and we're going to check in on this. Thank you for talking to us about this very sensitive topic. We missed you in the movies. Roger, get on the phone to the district attorney and see if there's some paperwork on this. We wish you well, Yoda. We hope this gets cleared up and we see you in the next Star Wars movie.

This is an unbelievable revelation here. Burning, hurting, muffled noises in trailer. Trailer, Chubalka say, if this trailer's rocking, don't bother knocking, he says he did. Okay, hang up on him. If this trailer's rocking, don't bother knocking. Unbelievable, gang. This is the first, wow. charges of a sexual assault

is he gone wow well there you go star wars fans and everyone who's familiar with the movies boy Yoda not in the latest Star Wars due to a sexual assault he claims

there's no proof you know everybody's assumed presumed innocent until charged otherwise, but those are some pretty intense accusations as far as I'm concerned. I personally can't see that happening, but, you know, I wasn't there,

so we'll let this play out in the court of law, and, you know, we'll get back to you with any results that we might find. That's just stunning. I think we'll just, you know, first show of the year, and wow, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, bomb drop that was. I don't think there's anything else we could talk about today that would top that, Roger. So, you know, why don't we, we wrap it up, first show of the year, gang. It might have been a little bit too startling, I don't know, but, you know, it's important to know this stuff.

But anyways, let me say one more time, happy New Year. so glad you're here. Hope you enjoy another year of the Harland Highway podcast. Let's have some fun. Just so you know, if you go to Harlem Williams.com, my brand new stand-up comedy schedule has been posted. Please go and check it out and make sure and see if I'm coming to a city or a town near you.

Just go to Harlem Williams.com, click on the stand-up tour link, and you will be able to see where I'm going. It's going to be all over the country, New York, Orlando, Houston, San Jose, you name it, California, Pittsburgh, Kansas, Edmonton. I'm going all over North America, man. So please check the schedule, and if I'm coming to your town or city, please come on out. and have some laughs with the kid. Also, while you're at harloweems.com, you can jump on the store.

We have a merchandise store there, lots of fun and interesting and silly gifts. Please pick something up, and we will mail it out to you. If you would like to write to me, you can click on the contact link. You could write me an email, or if you'd rather just leave me a silly phone message. And I do love to get them from the boys and the girls. You can call me at 323739, 433.3.3.3.3.433. That number is on the website as well. Also, please join our app, the Harland Highway app. You simply go into your apps on your phone and type in the Harland Highway, and it will take you to the app. Download it for free. You get the most 50 most current episodes.

Absolutely free. And if you join the app for $20 a year, you get all kinds of bonus material, including an extra podcast that I do called Let's Have a Fight, which is a totally different one than this. You get stand-up comedy. You get all kinds of surprises. So please join for $20 a year.

Also, what else? I think that's it for now. Oh, also, if you haven't seen my movie Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face, uh there is a link on my home page now where you can if you don't feel like buying it you can uh rent it and download it digitally on amazon uh we put the link right on the front page of my website and i think it's like two or three dollars to to buy the DVD it's like 10 or 12 but if you just want to rent it and watch it on amazon as a digital download it's like i I think it's $2.99 or something ridiculously cheap.

It's a twisted bent movie that I wrote and directed. It's called Fudgy-Wudgy Fudge Face. Yes, it's ridiculous as it sounds, but for two or three bucks, you can't go wrong. So check that out at the Harlandwiliams.com website. Welcome back for another year of madness. Let's do it, gang. And I hope Yoda's all right.

Man. But until next time, we'll see you back here at the Harland Highway and chicken chalmaine, baby.