The Harland Highway - 732 - Interview with KIM JUNG UNG from North Korea. The issue of DEATH.

Episode Date: January 14, 2016

Kim Jung Ung calls the show to discuss his recent nuclear testing. What is the deal with DEATH? The Question of the day. Say say hey hey!!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's all go to the podcast. Let's all go to the podcast. Okay, enough. We are at the podcast. We don't need to go to the podcast. We're already here, Harland. Oh, okay. Hey, everybody.

This is Harland Williams. I'm talking to myself. And that's basically how a podcast is done. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am your host with the most. And I like to make toast. What a show we have for you today. Unreal.

We got an exclusive phone interview with North Korean leader, the reclusive Kim Jong-ung, is going to be here to explain all his recent dangerous nuclear activity. He's been testing nuclear bombs, hydrogen bombs. The world is on edge. We're going to talk to him directly today in the show. Also, we have the question of the day, an annoying little thing that happens to all.

all of us. I'm going to ask why today. Also, we're going to be talking about death. The mysteries of death. Who is death? Why does death look the way death does? An interesting death talk. And then we're going to get into football a little bit. And you're going to hear what pisses me off about the NFL and how the game of football is played. But this isn't a game. This is the Harland Highway. Where are I? What is this? Some kind of a choke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening.

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. The Harland Highway. Question of the day.

Okay, here it is. Here's the question of the day, you sons of bitches you. Okay? Why am I being so aggrateful? The question of the day is, why in the name of God's sweet chicken gravy, does this always happen? You are going to see your accountant or you're citing some kind of document or you're doing something important and someone hand you a pen. And the ink goes out right, right in the middle of it. Like you're signing an important check to someone or you're, you know, you're signing your mortgage or you're signing an important bank document where it says,

you may only sign this in black ink, or the government will put you in jail. Do not go outside of the lines, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, oh, my God. And of course, just when you need your pen to be working, the ink goes out. The ink dries. And what I don't get about the whole ink drying out thing, it kind of like teases you, right? It kind of like it goes along and it half writes what you want it to write. Like if you're doing your signature, it's like, let's say I'm writing Harland Williams, it's like the H and the A come out, and then the ink decides to go on a holiday for the R, the L, and the A, but then it comes back during the N and the D, and then for Williams, I just get AMS.

So if you were to put it together, it'd be like, hot o'u-e-em's. Oh, is that your name, sir? What planet are you from, sir? Ha, uh, ams. No, my name's Harlan Williams. Well, it says here on this check, sir, that your name is Haru Ams. Well, that's because you gave me a pen that doesn't have full ink. Well, sir, I think if it didn't have full ink, there wouldn't be anything there,

but I clearly see some letters. And the way you've spaced them, that's not even English. Well, it's because the pen went dry in between some of the letters. that's why they're spacing. Sir, either the pens out of ink or it's not. Clearly you're making a fraudulent bank statement here. I'm calling the authorities. Like, what's with pens, man?

Are you out of ink or are you not? Just die already. Don't like slowly bleed out little blotches of ink to cock tease me with your seductive blue or black. juices. God. So I guess it's a double question all of a sense. Like, why do the pens always seem to run out in the middle of an important signing?

It's not like you're signing your credit card after you order at Arby's. The pen always works then. Or you're at the drugstore buying condoms and bubble gum. The pen always works then. but, oh, no, and you've got to sign some big, important, fancy document. Or like you're in a rush to go somewhere. Like, you know, you're at a restaurant and your meter's about to expire. Okay, I've got to get out of here.

Oh, I'm sorry. My pen doesn't work. Will you wait for 12 hours while I go and find another pen? Yeah, yeah, but my meter's about to expire. I'll just be 12 hours. I'm going to look through the whole restaurant, and then I'll come back and say, You know, I can't find a pen, and they'll be, oh, my goodness, look at that. There was one right here on top of the cash register the whole time.

Oh, my God. How did I not see that? And by the way, is that your car getting towed over there? You son of a bit. So that's the big double Harlan question of the day. Why do they run out and why do they die a slow death? It's like these guys you see in the movies get shot. And it takes them 12 years to run out of blood and die.

That's what a fading pen is like. Here's a little note that of you that want to get rich real quick. Invent a pan that when it ends, it ends. Call that no cock tease pan. And I think that's an important question, and we got it out of the way. The Harland Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Don't be doing. I'll do it. I swear to God.

Oh, boy. So here we go. This is a little scary. But as you know, just very recently, North Korea and its bizarre leader, Kim Jong-ung, claims that he detonated a hydrogen bomb. They tested a hydrogen bomb. uh, which is, uh, like, like, you know, 80 times more powerful than an atom bomb, a nuclear bomb. It's, it's insane. The fact that these types of weapons are being tested on our planet, uh, it's just crazy. It's creepy. And the fact that, that this type of, uh, weaponry is in the hands of a lunatic and communist dictator who suppresses and oppresses and murders and stalks, and starves his own people and government is just bone-chilling. And so it looks like we were granted a very rare interview with the reclusive leader

through some connections here at the Harland Highway Studios. We were able to agree to get him on a phone call. And so without further ado, Roger is, I'm looking at my producer, Roger, through the glass there. Is Kim Jong-ung on? He is. He's on the phone. Okay, Roger patches through.

Here we go, folks. This is an exclusive, our talk with North Korea's leader, Kim Jong-un. Uh, hello, uh, Kim, Kim, Kim Jong-ung. Oh, hello, how are you today? Hello from North Korea. Uh, hello, sir. How are you? Oh, doing really good.

Getting lots of international press. Everyone talking about Kim Jong. Well, I don't know if it's the best of circumstances, Emperor. It's, you know, you've got the world on edge. Oh, everybody got a giant international chill pill, okay? How you say in America, chill out, do you? Okay, it's not that funny, Kim. Stop, Kim!

Hey, why you got to raise your voice in me, hoary frock? Well, you, that laugh is maniacal. Well, how you rap, funny guy? Look, can we get to, you just, ignited a neutron bomb. What the matter, cat got your tongue, funny guy? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Stop it!

I'm trying to talk to you here. Why did you detonate a neutron bomb? Oh, as if everybody don't know, you like, let me ask you this. Okay. What kind of hair product you use? What kind of hair product? Yeah, you know, to get your hair, to... I see pictures of you on yahoo.com

and I say you look mentally retarded. Hold on, we don't use that term anymore. What term? We don't say mentally retarded. Well, what you say when you got hair the way you got it? First of all, I like my hair. And second of all, the term is mentally challenged. Yeah, well, in your case, I think I'll stick with mentally.

retarded your hair look like you wear corkshoes and walk around like a crap okay you know what why did you detonate a hydrogen bomb well i'm trying to get to that if you could lower your voice mr ang maybe uh you know maybe you go to the ymca and you take anger management classes i don't need anger management classes at the ymca kim jong un well you so sorry angry to me I sound angry. There you go, raising your voice at the YMCA. You're gonna have some fun at that. Stop it!

You're the one that detonated a hydrogen bomb, and I've got the anger issues? Well, I'm here having fun, I'm calm, the whole world talking about Kim Jong-Haul, and you're yelling like, you know, some kind of, you know, Harlem Beach on her rag. A Harlem bitch on her rag. That's what I sound like to me. I'm not a Harlem bitch on her rag. Okay, maybe you're like a Detroit biotch on the fourth day of her rag. I'm not a Detroit biotch on the fourth day of my rag.

I said fifth day. But you knock it off. What has happened? Why did you detonate a hydrogen bomb? Uh, hello. Yes? Hello! Yes, hello!

Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello, you see my hairstyle? What do you mean your hairstyle? Well, you see the way my hair is? Yes? Well, you know how I say you hair look mentally retarded?

Yes, and I'm not happy about it. Well, have you ever seen hairstyle like Kim Jong-on? Where it's like over my ears, I'm bald, but then it puff out on the side, and then it stands up straight like Elvis Preserie, and then on the top, right at the top, it looked like Billy, Brilli Idol. Who? Brewery Idol. Brerry what? Brewery Idol. Elvis Prefery and Barry Idol.

Billy Idol? The hello! Would you stop saying hello? I don't think I say hello. I say hello. Wait, you know to speak. The Rye Institute of the fucking retard? Stop it. And stop using that word.

Well, you're the one that's said, don't talk right. I don't talk, right. Would you just get to the point? Why did you detonate a hydrogen bomb? I'm telling you, you see my far-up hairstyle? How do you think I get my hair like that? fucking Elvis Presery where Billy Idol and then bald over the top of my ears and my forehead looked like Charday.

Who? Charday. Who the hell is Sarday? Sarday. Coast to coast to L.A. to Chicago, L. Fonleu, oh, he's a smooth operator. Sharday. Dharaw! Stop it!

Holy crap! What about your hair doing the hydrogen bomb? Well, if you look at my fuck-up hair, a hydrogen bomb is how I cut my hair. What? My hair's so fucking stupid, okay? Well, I'll agree with that. My hair so fucking stupid and looks so stupid and fuck up. The only way I can get the hair like this is to stand in the wake of a hydrogen bomb. Are you telling me that in order to get your hair style to look the way it does

and fucked up, if I can quote you? That's right. Fuck up. You have to detonate a hydrogen bomb to get your hair to look so stupid? That's right. I stand in the dick. Well, you stand at the YMCA. You're going to have a fun at the one.

Stop it. Well, I really like the shit of which people. you what I really like the village people the village people in the Navy or I can blow up the 7th Sea in the Navy I can have I cut it out no need to ask he's a smooth operator stop singing Charday and the village people I think we're done here fuck up. Maybe you come to North Korea. Me and you have a hair party just like the sisters do up in Detroit.

Me and you and Kim Jong-il and Harlan Williams having a hair party in North Korea just like the sisters do in Detroit. Oh yeah, those sisters, they get out, they're a fucking animal with the hair. Up in Detroit.

Detroit, M.I. Detroit, M.I. That's right, play. Okay, you know what I'm out of here? Yeah, you come up of a hydrogen bomb, here's the party. Oh, no need to ask, he's a smooth-up arena. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, hang up on him. Oh, in the navy you can blow up the rest of the world in the navy.

Hang up in the navy. God. Are you kidding me? Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse.

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amped up. This guy, Kim Jong-ung, hang up on him, Roger. This idiot, I said, do you let it go? Kim Jong-ung, according to his, by his own admission, detonated a hydrogen bomb in North Korea in order to attain That wacky hairstyle of his. The only thing, there's no gel, there's no hair product in the world that can make his head look so goofy, he needs a nuclear blast to shape his hair. Wow, just unbelievable. What is with people and peddling in the instruments of death? nuclear bombs, developing weapons of mass destruction.

Good Lord, the industry of death. How civilized is the human race? When you create weapons, when you create instruments that could annihilate your own race, it really doesn't make any sense. Death. harvesting death death is just speaking of death why does death why is death uh portrayed as the grim reaper have you ever seen pictures of the grim reaper you know that guy in the big long black cloak with a skull face and and bony skeletal hands and for some reason he's walking around with a scythe

Which, by the way, who named that thing? The scythe. Yeah, let's call this grass-cutting instrument a scyth. I can't even spell it. S-Y-S-C-H-T-H-T-H-S-H-T-H. Hey, Bill, can I bore your psych? But anyways, why does he have a scythe or a sick? or whatever it is.

He's got this long, this long curved blade on a long, like, handle. Death is wandering around with this, this grass-cutting instrument. I mean, what does he need that for? He's death. He shows up in my house

like some kind of ghost rider gardener. I have come to take your life. The bell has finally tolled for you but before I take you Would you mind if I cut your grass I mean what is that

You know you'd think if a guy's gonna show up at your house With gardening tools At least you know Trim my hedges make manicure my lawn Before I go into the Great Beyond Right And why a sight What'd you just come from Pioneer Village buddy

update man why don't you come to my lawn with a with a leaf blower shouldn't death be you know in these modern times be carrying a leaf blower or even a weed whacker or something who who carries a scythe around maybe that's who's doing the crop circles all over the world at night you know death has a quiet night nobody's dying he gets bored he wanders into fields and that's his way of expressing. Oh, tonight I'm going to, nobody's dying tonight. I'm going to make some wonderful circular shapes. Totally symmetric circular shapes.

I'm just going to cut the night away in this field of wheat. Maybe that's the crop circle mystery right there. Death out there in his black robe and his sciathe. Can you imagine the sweat that guy had? Can you imagine how smelly his robe is? You're out there in the wheat cutting all night? Maybe that's how he kills people. He just shows up and he's like,

I am death. Sniff my underarms. I've been cutting wheat for all of eternity and I've yet to have a shower. Sniff my putrid underarms and die, mortal. I don't know. it's kind of odd Like it's just odd that

Death is carrying gardening tools Like shouldn't he have like a machine gun Or a bottle of poison Some anthrax maybe Some mustard gas A loaded Glock A chainsaw What's he got to

Got a Scytha? What's that? You know what? Before I kill you, I'm going to cleave your arm off. I don't get it. I don't understand it. And I don't understand, you know, why we're still allowing people to test nuclear bombs.

I don't understand why, you know, the United States is playing this chess game with Iran, this devious country that's clearly trying to make weaponry although I'm not there I can't say for sure but

it certainly seems like it it seems like they're up to no good and you know the United States and Russia and China and every superpower with nuclear weapons and should be saying, you know, let's shut these guys down. We don't need any more nuclear bombs.

They don't need any more nuclear countries. I think there's 11 nuclear countries. There's the U.S., Russia, China, India, Pakistan, Israel, and Great Britain. That's seven. I'm trying to think if maybe there's more. There might be a few more in there somewhere in the mix at the nuclear party. But we definitely don't need Iran. I mean, come on, man.

At least the countries I named are sort of stable. Iran is right in the middle of the Arab madness, the Saudi Arabian portion of the world, where just every country seems to have its own type of, social, religious, militaristic issues, like big time. I don't know, man. We're going down a slippery slope. So, you know, I mean, if Kim Jong-ung is using nuclear weaponry to style his hair,

what hope have we got when Iran gets gone? Good night, Nelly Frittato. whew and speaking of and speaking of football fans any of you pavement pounders follow football

and I'll be brief on this note this is just something that irritates my hairy You know, I watch football and you got, you know, four quarters and there's not much time. And I just get annoyed, beyond annoyed, when I watch these football teams that continually do the running game. Where they, I think that's what it's called, where instead of passing the ball down the field where you can cover tons and tons of. tons and tons of ground really quickly these stupid teams constantly like hand the ball off to pretty much always the same guy so the opposing team kind of almost always knows who's getting the ball

and inevitably they run into a wall of people a wall of blockers it's rare that they ever punch through it's rare that they even get more than three or four yards and they just keep doing it time after time after time and you're watching the game clock tick down and not only is it unproductive but it uses up a lot more time than if you just lead back and through the ball down the field

it just not only does it front frustrate me. It bores me. I hate watching it. It's just, it's so freaking annoying. It's like if you're watching a UFC fight, okay? And in a UFC fight, there's two modes. There's one mode where the guy stand there and exchange kicks and punches and, you know, roundhouses and uppercuts and elbows. And it's like really exciting and enthralling. and then there's the other half of UFC where they grab each other and go to the ground

and roll around on each other and just kind of grapple and hold on to each other and it's like boring as all ass hair. You're just sitting there going, I paid to see a fight. Can you guys get up? Okay, I get it. You can choke a guy.

You can pin a guy. Whoopi do. If I want to see that, I'll go to my local bath house. Wait, what did I just say? No. Sorry, what I meant to, so that's what football's like. It's like, I want to see guys running. I want to see, I want to see, I want to see the artistry of launching that ball in the air with precision.

I want to see guys catching the ball in mid-stride. I want to see guys reaching out with one hand. I want to see guys gain some ground. It just drives me nuts, especially when a team's losing. And they've only got like 12 minutes to go. And instead of just firing the ball down the field and trying to make up, you know, crucial ground, they do this stupid thing where they hand it off to the same guy. The same guy runs into the wall of people.

And you're just sitting there tearing your hair out going, what the hell? hell is wrong with you people and on the other side sometimes you get quarterbacks like Ben Rothelsberger is pretty good at doing this there's some quarterbacks that do it a lot

and I love that so that's my whiny little beef for today. Throw the damn ball NFL stupid NFL I mean they should make it maybe a where you have to have X amount of throws per game

or you lose yardage. Right? So just the way you have a set amount of timeouts, you have a set amount of players you can have on the field, blah, blah, blah, you should mandate that, hey, by the way, there is X amount of, throws you have to do per game. You force the quarterback to have to throw and keep the game more interesting.

And if they don't do it, they get penalized like 20 yards or they, something. Because I'm telling you, man, the way they play this game, it's just like morons. So there you go. That's my beef. I'm going to end the show on a big complaint. I don't know if you guys are on board. with it but that that's my that's my sports complaint for the day okay um let's do some announcements here um coming up in february my stand-up uh comedy tour begins for 2016 uh february 3rd through

the 7th or third yeah third through the 6 i'm sorry february 3rd through the 6th uh 10 Tampa, Florida at the improv, the following week, February 11th through the 14th, the Orlando Improv. And then in February 25th to the 28th, the House of Comedy in Scottsdale, Arizona. All great clubs, all awesome rooms to come and see comedy. And then moving into March, I will be in. Houston, Houston, Texas, March 10 through 13. So, folks, there you go. You've been informed.

Please go online to harlandwilliams.com. Click on my stand-up comedy tour link, and you will be able to order your tickets right online. You'll be taken right to the Comedy Club web pages, and you can reserve your seats in advance. Also, while you're at harlo-Williams.com, please visit the store. We've got all kinds of fun merchandise for you to order. And if you ever want to write me, there is a web link there.

You can write me through the link. Or if you want to leave a phone message, 323739-4330. 323739-4330. That information is at the website. And please, while you're there, check out the Harland Highway app. You can get on your phone and download the Harland Highway app for the podcast, absolutely free. You get the most current 50 episodes for free. And then if you become a premium member for 20 bucks a year, next to nothing, man,

you get all kinds of premium content, another podcast I do called Let's Have a Fight, my stand-up comedy clips, other special features. So please join the Harland Highway Premium membership. And your fee also goes to help keep all this podcast activity going. It certainly helps to finance some of the stuff we're doing here. So appreciated in advance. so that's it for today gang uh hope you're doing well hope your 2016 is getting off to a grand old start and uh we're already having fun here and uh that's it for now and until next time

chicken chau maine baby uh hello Harrow!