The Harland Highway - 735 - Interview with Mexican druglord El Choppo. A new eara for cartoons.

Episode Date: January 25, 2016

Captured drug lord, El Choppo, calls from a Mexican prison. Pen mystery solved. A new crop of modern cartoon characters is born. Born in corn!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's go surfing now. Everybody show me how going down to USA. No, not the words. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Let's go surfing through your minds. Let's surf through your minds with the Harland Highway. Let's surf down a highway. The Harland Highway podcast, which you are on right now.

Hello, everybody. Oh, it's so good to have you here. Meow. Miaoikins. Miao. Hey, welcome, everyone. What a show we have today. This is unbelievable.

El Chapo. The drug lord that was captured again is now in a Mexican jail. And I guess he's trying to turn over a new leaf. And we got an exclusive phone call with the drug lord El Chapo. And we'll be talking to him on the phone today to see, you know, what his situation is. Nobody else has this type of access. So we're very excited about that. Also, one of the pavement pounders helped answer a question of the day regarding where does ink come from?

Why does ink go crazy in our ballpoint pens? Very interesting discussion there. And then lastly, there's a whole new world of cartoon characters out there inundating us these days. And they're kind of a little manipulative. I'm going to talk about it here on the Harland Highway. Where am I? What is this? Some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about wounds? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening? Hey, Harland, it's Shelley. You just made a wrong turn.

On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening.

To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. Hello? Hello?

Hey, Harlan. This is Snow. Come up one out from Taylor, Washington. So, got the answer to your question of the day in regards to Penn. and why it is that sometimes or all the time that they don't work. I'm thinking physics actually this quarter at my college, and I actually brought the same question, too, to my professor, and he goes, well, it's pretty easy to understand, right?

And I'm like, I think so for the most part. And he goes, okay, well, ink pens that we know of today basically are filled with a tube full of ink. And I go, right? And he goes, we as human beings aren't meant to write, with an instrumentation to be straight up and down. And I said, you're absolutely right. And he goes, right.

So usually when you write with a pen, you hold that at a 75-degree angle, thus, the ink flows from the top to the bottom, not the bottom to the top. That's just strange. And a lot of times they're not able to get the full draw of all the ink. So you lose that in order between 5% and 10% of the ink

that's trying to get to the bottom. In a sense, it's kind of BS, but that's the way that the pens works. Now, another form of pen that I really like, and I'm actually able to get the majority of the ink out, are the ones called Unaball. Yeah, these pens that basically have a little ball, and they roll around in the ink, or at least in the ink cartridge that flows from the top to the bottom. So you're always constantly getting that reserve or that draw of ink that you basically need for sending those important documents. that we all know so much, or at least you should know. I'm not sure which documents you're trying to sign, but if you're going to be signing a big check,

maybe you can sign one over my way. And since that nudge, nudge. Also, too, I'm also a person, too, that loves calligraphy and tried doing writing with a feather and an ink bottle. I'm not sure if you've tried that before. Maybe that might be a good route to try. I'm not sure. I don't know why more places don't do that.

I've only been on one bank that was actually able to have that, that was Bank of America in Seattle, why that particular branch had a little ink jar, including a feather to use. I don't know. I really didn't ask about that. I probably should because it stood out, but that's what it was. Right, Harlan, do you have a good one? Chicken tell me, buddy?

Okay, first of all, I just love it that someone who is a physicist or who is studying to be a physicist listens to my podcast. That's a high compliment because, you know, I never know what you people do. I don't know the level of intelligence. And I don't care whether you're a plumber or a physicist.

But I am a little flattered that a physicist would be listening to my madness. Maybe it takes a scientific mind to try and decipher what I do, here. I don't know, but thank you, uh, Snow. A physicist named Snow. That should be the name of my next novel. Snow was really a KGB agent working unilaterally with it. No. Um, so, uh, let's get to your, uh, your comments. Um, you know, I, I, thank you for the scientific, um, data on, on why pens get blotchy and run out and you get gaps.

in your lettering and they get so annoying. That was my question of the day, a few podcasts back. And I find it interesting that the main reason sounds like that we, because us humans write on an angle, which makes me think maybe someone should invent a really weird like nib that writes on that angle, you know? like someone invents a little nib that's got a little hinge and it's slanted on the angle that we traditionally write on. And then Snow countered with, you know,

the best pen to use is the Uniball. And this is no word of a lie, Snow. At the time I was writing, I had the pen right in my hand. I almost threw it in the garbage, but I'm determined to get every last drop of ink out of this stupid pen. I picked it up, and sure enough, the name brand Uniball. The pen that inspired the question of the day was, in fact, a uniball. So even Uniballs can be wonky. And they're good.

Any pen's good until it starts to dry out. but I love it that you pushed your professor to try and answer this question, that you took up the time in his day and in your classroom, so that your professor, unbeknownst to him, was answering a question not just from you, but from the Harland Highway podcast, question of the day. I hope you do some more of that. I'm going to try and think of some more scientific. scientific-themed questions of the day,

just so you can get these answers out of your prof. And my last point is to your bizarre banking experience where you went into a modern-day bank and they had an ink well and a feather. What the hell? You shouldn't get into a DeLorean and drive back to the future? I'm wondering where you bank.

Are you at the bank of William F. Shakespeare or something? Who art thou nextest in linest? Would thou step forward, please, and deposited thine shillings? Would thou deposited thine ducats? I mean, good Lord. Who was your teller, Shylock? Good aft, sir. May thou wast helpest thou? If thou would just signest here with thine osprey feather. If thou would takeest the plumage out of thine inkwell and signeth thy name in the name of our queen.

Thank you. And on the way out, please take a complimentary horseshoe cleaner. I mean, what bank? I mean, I'd walk up. If someone handed me a feather in an ink well at a bank, I'd just look at them and yell, You've got to get back to the future. That's just twisted. I don't even know if I believe that part of it.

That says the fact that you sounded very sincere and honest that you went into a bank somewhere, and they offered up a turkey feather or an Osprey feather, and some ink. That's a little hard to believe. That's like calling Uber and a wagon train shows up. Ha! Hi there, partner.

Did you call for an Uber? Yeah, I think I called for a Cadillac. Yeah, well, they do. We're all out of them, so just hop on back there. Don't mind the hay and the children and the babies. Ha! I mean, something's out of whack. But, hey, if you say it happened, it happened.

Come on. So there you go. There's a scientific answer for one of the questions of the day. Why pens go all half-assed on you when you're writing or signing a signature or things like that? Thank you for your input, no, very informative. of. And, uh, remember the first law of physics. The work is not done until the object has moved. Ha ha. Gotcha, kid. Have a nice day.

Be sure and tell him large marg sent you. Uh, Harlan. It's Roger. Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Oh. Okay. Uh, I wasn't. I wasn't expecting a call, but hello. Hello, senor. Uh, hello, who's this? Hello, this is El Chapo. El Chapo?

See, senor, this is El Chapo from the federal president, Mexico City. Hold on, El Chapo, the drug lord. See, senor, please don't call me the drug lord. I'm trying to change my ways. That is why I have. Phone new. You're calling me from prison, El Chapo. Hold on a second.

See, senor, I will hold. Roger, is this El Chapo, the notorious drug lord, the violent drug lord, that escaped prison and has been on the FBI's most wanted list for the last, like, 20 years? The guy that escaped and then they caught him again, and then Sean Penn helped facilitate getting them caught again? Yes? See, senor, it is me. Okay, Roger just confirmed through the...

What is going out? El Chapa, why are you calling here? I am trying to reform myself, Signor, so that I can do less time in prison and get out early. Oh, okay. Wow. Well, and you called the Harland Highway

because... Because I want to show the world that El Chappo, turned a new leaf, and that El Chapo has rehabilitated himself and can blend back into the community peacefully and sanctimoniously. I don't know, El Chapo. How do you verify something like that? You've just been barely in prison like a month or two.

Well, El Chapo has been working down in the prison craft shop. In the prison craft shop? See, Senor, we have a machine shop in the prison, and El Chapo has created a device that he wants to sell and help the people of the world, and in so doing, maybe get early release for contributing to society. Okay, so let me get this straight. El Chapo has come up with some kind of a device in the machine shop, the craft area of the prison, to the... something that will be beneficial to regular society and in giving this product or selling this product, you are... I hope to raise money so that I can get a fresh start, a legitimate start, say goodbye to drugs, say goodbye to the violence, say goodbye to that whole criminal element that took over Chappo's

world and made him so blind. Wow, well, I don't know. This is kind of a good thing, and can you tell us a little about this creation you've made down in the prison workshop? See, signor, it is a wonderful device. It's called the El Chapo. Yes, I know you're El Chapo, but what is your device, sir?

El Chapo. Sir, yes, we know it's you. I verified it with Roger, but could you tell us the name of your device? El Chapo, you found. Sir? It's called the El Chapo. It's a...

Do you like broccoli or onions or a nice fresh garden salad, signor? I guess so. And you know how messy it can be on the kitchen counter, you've got broccoli, you've got lettuce all over the place, and who wants to chop those annoying onions, always making your ears, your eyes tear up? Okay. Well, allow me to entertain you.

Allow me to introduce the El Chapo. You just put all your garnishes and your salad, your lettuce, your onions underneath this plastic tube. It's fitted with five very sharp razor blades, and you just pound it down with your hand, and it chops all your salad needs up into one compact pile. The El Chapo! Hold on El Chapo!

Are you telling me that you've... you've made like some kind of kitchen gadget like one of these crazy tv like commercial things see the el chopo are you tired of peeling carrots well say goodbye to carrots now you can put your carrots under the el choppo and chop your carrot peeling fingers away uh wait a minute are you tired of Taking the pits out of olives? Oh, not anymore. Introducing El Chapo. Just put your olives underneath

and slam it down with your hand. And presto, like magic, your olives have no more teeth or seeds. Hold on a second, El Chapo. This sounds... Are you sick and tired of shredding turnips? Are you having trouble chopping those little round red turnips with a knife

Introducing the hell chopo All your chopping needs Stop it, hold on Hey everybody Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes The answer is yes You always want to have better sex That's what you want it to be better, not worse, trust me

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This sounds a lot like a million devices I've already seen on TV. These little salad shooter and the salad queen and all these things. This doesn't sound like anything new. I would watch your mouth if I were you, senor. Excuse me? Are you sick and tired of broccoli getting all over your counter when you chop it up for a salad? Well, you better buy the El Chapo, or I'm going to. gonna come to your fucking house,

senor, and I'm gonna do stuff your fucking wife's head into a fucking pot of boiling fucking water, and watch her fucking eyes boil out of her fucking head. Hold on, sir! So, if you want a nice, fresh salad, you must try the El Chapo.

Listen, El Chapo. I thought I heard you making some threatening remarks. Are you tired of peeling potatoes with your bare hands? Well, you better get the L. Chopper. Or I'm going to come to your fucking house in the middle of the night

with a fucking machete, and I'm going to cut your fucking kids' legs off and shove them up their fucking assholes, okay? You better buy fucking, not just one or two of these fucking salad things. You better buy fucking crates of these fucking things. I know where you live. I'm going to come to your fucking house

and chop your fucking head off and hang it from your ceiling fan with dental floss, you motherfucker. Sir! Hold, what the hell is this? Some kind of a shakedown? No, senor. I'm just trying to get a fresh, clean start.

And Al Chapo wants to start a brand new life free of all the violence and the drugs. Well, it certainly doesn't sound like it. I'm feeling very threatened right now, El Chapo. Oh, don't be. threading, senor, because here comes my plan for a wonderful Caesar salad.

Are you tired of chopping romaine lettuce with your bare hands? Introducing El Chapo. Let El Chapo take all the handiwork out of your salad. Order one now. And you better order one now,

senor, or I will go to your grandparents' house. I will wrap them up in fucking rusty chains. I will tie them to back of my fucking jeep and drag them down the fucking highway until there's only a piece of fucking skin flapping. You understand me, you motherfucker? Sir, I am not going to be intimidated into buying the El Chapo, salad chopper, whatever the hell it is.

Well, you will be missing out because not only do we give you the El Chapo salad chopper, If you order today, El Chapo will throw in the salad washer. That's right. It's a nozzle you put on the end of the El Chapo, and you can rinse your salad. Sir, this is just a load. And for only 2595, we will ship right to your house. And remember, when we ship to your house, keep in mind, we now have your home address on file, and we will be coming to extort money from you.

We want your fucking money, or we will tie your kids up to the back of a school bus and your family dog and run them over so their heads pop like warmelons. Sir! I'm afraid you've gone a little too far here. Nobody's buying your El Chapo, and I think your marketing ploy and your sincerity about wanting to get out of prison and re-assimilate with a gentle modern society is a ruse. I feel like you have no intention of changing your violent ways. Now, is that any way to talk to someone who want to help you make a wonderful coleslaw

for your next family get-together or outdoor picnic? That's right. The El Chapo is excellent for making fresh coleslaw. All you have to do is order today. And let me tell you something, Mr. Williams. You better order a fuck of a lot and tell all your friends, or I will come in the middle of the night. I will pour gasoline all over your fucking bed,

and I will put a funnel up your asshole, and pour gasoline up your asshole, and I will light you on fire, and I will roast fucking marshmallows where your ass cheeks burn on your burning fucking bed. You motherfucker, you're going to buy the L. Chapo. Sir! Roger, hang up on him.

This guy is out. He's as violent as ever. Hang up on this son of a bitch. And don't forget, everybody. If you order today, we guaranteed delivery late to your house where I will come in and punch your grandmother right in the fucking face

and then kick her in the ovaries with... Hang up on here! Holy... What the flutch? I am literally shaking in here at the El Chapo salad dicer get him out of here

jeez that was downright frightening Roger in the future could you please not put modern day gangsters through to the hotline I mean that was just dangerous Taking calls like that, Roger, is downright irresponsible, man. I said I was sorry.

Okay, well, let's just put it behind us and let's move on here. Holy jumping. Oh, this is so exciting. I'll tell you what's not so exciting, and it's disturbing more than it's as exciting. The world, at least North America, is being exposed to a whole new line of Christmas, of, of, of, of cartoon characters. You know, when you were young, you probably grew up with the Disney characters. You know, Donald Doc and Mickey and Pluto and goofy.

And then you might have been at the age where you grew up with the Warner Brothers cartoons, the coyote, porky pigs, Sylvester the cat, Tweety Bird, Bugs Bunny. Then you might have come from an era where you got the animaniacs and the mutant ninja turtles. and, you know, every generation, Scooby-Doo, Dark Wing, Doc. You know, every generation has its own line of cartoons. And they're adorable, they're endearing, they're part of the fabric of our lives. But now we've come to a stage where we have a whole new series of cartoon characters that are, to me, horrific, and they've been spawned by the pharmaceuticals.

companies. And they're disgusting. They're vile. They're horrid and they're very manipulative. I don't know how much TV you watch, but if you watch commercials nowadays, first of all, there's the snot goblin from Musinex. Musinex is a pharmaceutical pill that you take to reduce the mucus in your system. When you have a lot of mucus, and I hate saying the word mucus, because it's disgusting.

But if you watch the Mucinex commercials, there's this green, shiny guy made out of snot who's wandering around and interacting with human beings. And it's like, good Lord. Seriously? I mean, it looks like Shrek took a dump in the forest and it came to life this thing. So there's that guy, and now we've got, I guess, Mario Lopez from Extra, Extra. Now he's like the spokesperson for some kind of, I didn't know foot fungus was such a big thing in the United States. But now they've got a little foot fungus character.

It's a big toe with a football helmet on. So now you get to see commercials, you know, this foot fungus guy running around with rotten feet. they show like toenails with a, it looks like, you know, brown butterscotch sauce on them or somebody put, you know, made creme brulee on somebody's toenail. It's like this brown crust. And here comes his lovable football player that's a big toe with a football helmet on. So he can, you know, destroy the crust on everyone's feet. Does anyone here listening to anyone with foot fungus?

What are they living in a swamp or something? Who has foot fungus? But there must be somebody. There's all these commercials. And now there's a new one where they've got, I don't even know the name of the product. But this is how bad. Now there's this lovable,

lovable cartoon character of an intestine and a colon. And it's for some pharmaceutical pills. that, as they say, attacks aggressive diarrhea. And they've created this lovable little, it's a ball of intestines with a little eyes and a mouth at the top of it, and arms and legs. Hi, I'm Marty, the intestine guy. Watch out, I'm full of aggressive diarrhea.

Ah! Hi, everybody. I'm aggressive diarrhea, Billy. Ha! Holy crap. So goodbye to Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig and Tweety Bird and Darkwing Duck. Now we've got Snot Goblin, Snot Goblin, a crem dulae foot fungus guy,

an aggressive diarrhea intestine billy. This disguise, what the hell's happened? to us? What kind of gallery of cartoon characters do we have these days? And there's other ones. Now they've got ones of little cats. They're for sleeping pills. They're little cats.

One says sleep and one says awake. And these cats that are words cuddle up with human beings as they try to go to sleep. And then when they're awake, Oh, God. And here's why I say it's manipulative, because the reason I think they have these cushy little, cutesy little, you know, cartoon characters is to lull you into this false sense of, oh, what a harmless, cute, playful world I am in in pharmaceutical land. But meanwhile, well, Billy, the aggressive diarrhea-intestine character is being cued and walking through fields chasing butterflies. And, well, you know, snut-goblin' musin-x guy is, you know, running around, you know, telling jokes with human characters. And foot fungus guy is standing in the red carpet line with Mario Lopez.

and some, you know, depressed woman's cuddling up on a bed to a word with hair on it that says sleep. Well, they're showing all this cutesy, cartooning interaction. The announcer is talking about all the side effects of the products, including depression, internal bleeding, nausea, vomiting, back pain. thoughts of suicide, possible suicide thoughts leading to death, chance of heart attack, chance of stroke, increased risk of blood clots. I mean, holy God. So how do you distract people from this list of pretty much death sentences? How do you distract from that horror? Well, let's throw in a cutesy, lovable little cartoon character to distract everyone.

That'll do it. Well, they're telling you how you could have a stroke and end up in a coma to cure your diarrhea. Billy, the lower intestine character is like jumping up and down on park benches and playing on a teeter totter. Hi, I'm Billy. Don't listen to the announcer. You're not going to have a stroke and die. You're going to chase butterflies with me. And when we catch one, we can do some aggressive diarrhea all over it.

Yay! What about me, the snot goblin? You can come too. And what about me? The foot fungus. Come on, there's room for all of us. Yay! That is, if you're not in the hospital tied up to a bunch of tubes and wires

because you tried to commit suicide just after you had your massive struggle. stroke. Wow. Scary stuff, boys and girls. So gone of the days of the lovable cartoons we all grew up with. Say hello to the pharmaceutical cartoon gallery and prepare for whatever ails you. Good night, Nellie Frittato. And don't forget me, Diarrhea Billy. Ah, fuck! Ah, fuck! Um, all right, so, well, let's leave it there. Something for you to think about.

I hope you go and watch some cartoons and, uh, can clear your head of the pharmaceutical, uh, cartoon characters that are infiltrating our brains. Um, let's get to some, uh, some announcements here. Uh, stand-up comedy, man. I kick up my tour next month, February. Uh, February 3rd through the 6th, Tampa, Florida at the Tampa Improv. Going to be awesome.

Get your tickets. And then the following week, February 11th to the 14th, yours truly will be in Orlando, Florida at the improv. And then at the end of the month, February 25th, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona, Scottsdale, more specifically, at the House of Comedy. That's February 25th to the 28th, amazing club. Brand new club there in Scottsdale.

Come on out and have some laughs. And then March 10th to the 14th, I will be in Houston. Actually, March 10th to the 13th. I'll be in Houston, Texas at the improv. So can't wait to see you guys. It's going to be a blast. It's going to be a blast. And then let me tell you about something that's coming up.

This is the first time I've talked about it. In April, April 7, 8, and 9, we are kicking off a theater tour called The Comedy Party. And this is going to be great. This is going to be in the Midwest. I will get you the specific city shortly, but it's myself, Tom Green, Polly Shore, and Bobby. Lee from Mad TV, all four of us on stage at once. It's called The Comedy Party. And please check it out, man. It is going to be a blast. We are, you're going to have four comics for the price of one, four headliner comics, beautiful theaters, and I will get

you the exact cities coming up in the very next podcast, but just a heads up. It's called The Comedy Party with Polly Shore, Tom Green. myself and Bobby Lee. All tickets for my comedy shows are available at Harlandwilliams.com. Just go there. Check out the comedy link. And you can purchase your tickets in advance so that you're not caught off guard and it gets sold out. While you're there, check out the store, Harlandwilliams.com store. Lots of fun presents, merchandise, funny, goofy stuff for you to enjoy.

And also while you're there, be sure if you want to write me a letter, you can write me on the contact page, or if you want to call me the way our caller at the beginning did and gave us that excellent insight into ballpoint pens and ink. 323-739-4330. That's 323-739-43-30. We love to hear from you, Lady Gargles and Blurgund doggins. And don't forget the Harland Highway app.

Yes, get it for your phone. You can download it. Just go to your app store. Type in the Harland Highway, and you get the app absolutely free. You get the most current 50 episodes of the show free. If you become a premium member, you get all 750 episodes. You get special content. Plus, you get my other podcast.

called Let's Have a Fight, which is a ton of fun. Coming up, we have special guests on Let's Have a Fight. Tom Green will be on it. Orney Adams will be on it and many more. So jump on the premium app. $20 for a whole year. I don't think there's a better deal anywhere. $20 for a whole year.

Go do it. And also that money helps go to support the podcast. And I appreciate everyone who's jumped on board. And I hope you're enjoying the premium membership. So there you go, gang. That's all the info you need right there. Hey, thanks for being here. I hope your new year is getting off to a good start.

And until next time, everybody, chicken, chameen, baby. Well, it's pretty easy to understand, right? And I'm like, I think so for the most part.