The Harland Highway - 739 - DRUG ADDICT wild animals. Harland reads a POEM.

Episode Date: February 8, 2016

A startling story about a bunch of drug addicted critters. Harland talks about a crazy road trip and reads a POEM about it. Poem shalom!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello there. Aren't you just dandy? You're just dandy. That's what you are. Hey, everybody. Harlem, William here. You are rolling down the Holland Highway. Great to have you on board. What a show we have today. What a show even. Today, weird, weird show. And, you know, somewhere in the show, I'm going to be reading, like, a poem. Yeah, it's going to get a little, like, kind of deep. and kind of, you know, romantic and stuff. I'm going to read a hot poem to you guys. I'm kind of in the mood.

So I hope you like that. Also, a crazy story about some unconventional, unexpected drug users. Way to hear about these stoners, man. These are not your typical drug addicts. They are not. This story cracked my ass up. I'm going to be talking about these new stoners in town. And then we're also going to talk about a thing I call the sub-beard.

It's a facial hair thing. It mostly happens to men, maybe some women from the deepest parts of Europe, but mostly for men. The sub-beard. I'm going to go into detail later in the show. So put your helmet on. This is the Harland Highway. What is this, some kind of a joke or something?

Welcome to the Harland Highway. What you're talking about words? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. What's wrong with everybody in this crazy place? The Harland Highway. What is it? The opening. To what?

To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird.

Wow. That's strange stuff. Okay. Okay. This one's wild. This one's crazy. A little wacky. Here's the headline.

Are you ready? Here it is. Coyotes staring down drivers may be stoned. Hello. They may have consumed hallucogenic mushrooms. What the hell? Can you imagine that? You're driving down an old back road.

and there's like a, like a fucking, like a, like a co-out standing in the middle of the road. He's like, hey, dude, like, or, or, oh, dude. And you're like, um, what? And he's like, like, hey man, you haven't seen like a purple roadrunner go by because I've been trying to, you know, like, drop a piano and an an anvil on his head. Mean, mean. And, um, you know, if you can like, you know, if you have an email address for the Acme like company, because, you know, all the stuff they've been giving me to catch the roadrunner hasn't really been working, dude.

Like, oh, me, mean, mean. Oh, okay, dude, whatever. Right on, dude. Here's the story. In Canada, coyotes build snowmen. In Marin County, California, they get high on mushrooms, or so it seems. At least one and possibly two coyotes have been spotted acting a bit oddly along Highway 1 near Bolinas, reports the Pacific Sun newspaper. Residents describe an animal forcing nighttime drivers to stop on the twisting highway, staring them down,

and attacking their vehicles before taking flight. One resident who's made several trips along the road says, it's terrifying, yet beautiful thing to behold. I mean, this gives a whole new meaning to Kujo. I mean, can you imagine like a stoned mushroom-tripping coyote attacking your Prius or your psalat? It's like, dude, I don't know. Why are you driving like an electric car, dude?

Like, you're such a hippie. Oh! So what's up with the coyotes? Well, one of the theories being floated is that the animals are eating hallucinogenic mushrooms that grow in the area, resulting in coyotes, vision questing their way into interactions with drivers. Ooh, vision questing. Like, oh, I'm tripping, dude. Like, me, meep, what was that?

Did you just hear? I think I just heard the roadrunner, dude. Meep, me, me, me, what the fuck, dude? Oh, my God, I'm tripping. I'm going to smash my face into a Prius, dude. Ah-oh-ha-ha-ha-ha-hr. Lisa Block of the Humane Society says she can't rule it out and has been warning dog owners recently about the shrooms.

Oh my God, that's fantastic. She says we are trying to figure this out. Rabies isn't likely to blame because the disease typically fuels aggression in coyotes a week or so before causing death. And these incidents have been going on. for several weeks. Wow, that's a long trip, man. I mean, these coyotes, like,

I don't know what they're doing, but they're probably like, dudes. Dude, I'm digging these shrimps. What do you say? Me, you, Clarence, Eddie, Barbara, Stephen and Charles, like, are you guys down for Burning Man this year or what? Seriously, like, let's rent an SUV

or, you know, a camp, and let's totally do Burning Man dude I want to see this I want to be on a road and have my car mob by stoned coyotes this sounds like a better ride than anything you'd find at Disneyland

holy smokes let's continue here there's not many studies out there about the psychedelic effects of mushrooms on canines. But the animals are known to get especially excitable, which jibes with the description of coyote's behavior. Now, another option they say is that a coyote was fed by people, perhaps from a car, and is now looking for more food.

The problem is they're not afraid of us. They come close to our cars, get hit, fight with domestic dogs, and can possibly become aggressive. This nature lady says they strongly discourage people from feeding the animals. Wow! Well, listen, man,

I don't know how aggressive or terrifying a mushroom tripping coyote is. I mean, I'm more like, you know, I'm hearing like, oh hey dude like you want to come to my den and like i've got a disco light in the roof and i've got some yawning music and like the old lady whipped up like a coleslaw and i mean why don't let come to the fucking den and chill dude i've got more shrooms back at the den oh god hilarious

hilarious. I want to see like other, I want to go to Africa and hand out shrooms, man. I want to see the King of the Beasts tripping on mushrooms and standing up on the hills, start singing the circle of life. I want to give shrooms to all the African animals and see them break into that musical, the Lion King, that they put on on Broadway and on plays. Akumatara, Akumatara. Al-la-la-la-la. They're just dancing around. Oh, hell yeah. Like interspecies orgies.

There's like a draught, 69ing, like a hippo. There's a lion getting it on with an alligator. Just twirling and twisting fur and skin. Everyone's just like tripping, dude. Me, me. They all, like, walk into town and they all line up in the drive-thru. Oh, hi, I'm a stone giraffe. I'd like, like, a wopper with cheese.

And I know I'm a vegetarian, but, you know, that give me two whoppers with cheese, dude. And I'm fucking coleslaw, because I fucking love my greens, dude. And then the alligator's like, you know what, I'll skip the food, like, because you sound fucking delicious. I'm sorry? Can I help you, sir? Yeah, I'd like to fucking eat you because you'd sound fucking meaty and delicious. I'm sorry, would you like? What would you like, sir? Hey, are you fat? Because if you're a fat fuck, I'd like to fucking eat you. I'll even eat the fucking microphone on your fucking head, fatty. Uh, sir, would you like fries

with that? Okay, fuck, give me fries. I mean, it's just like stone animals. I'm loving this. So there you go. That's our crazy news story for the day, man. If you're out there driving, watch out. Watch out for mushroom tripping coyotes. Because they're no longer after the roadrunner. They're after you.

If you catch you, shoot you true. Poor little roadrunner never bothers anyone. Just running down the road to his idea of having fun. Meep, meep. What a weird sound of bird. Can you imagine if there's a bird that actually sounded like that? Like an old like 1942 Ford T-bird and someone licking a milk jug. Meep.

Creepy. When was the last time you cleaned up? When was the last time you did a house cleaning? And when I say a house cleaning, I'm talking about your phone. yeah hello how many things do you have buried in your phone it's it's like a crowded closet in there right you've got memos you've got songs you've got recordings you've got pictures you've got I mean your phone you know it just used to be able to to call in and call out and now it's just full of clutter and so I was going through my phone the other day just kind of going what the

hell is this I was going through you know there's a there's a thing I don't know if If androids have it, I'm sure they do. But on the iPhone, there's a function where you can make notes and write notes to yourself and jot things down. And oh, my God, I found, I came across a poem I had written. Probably, I don't know, maybe three, four years ago. I went on a date with this beautiful, wonderful girl. And we dated for a little bit off and on.

And one of our, I think it was our second date. maybe our second date we decided to drive to Vegas and go and see there was actually a live production of the evil dead it was a play that that horrible B horror movie the evil dead

they did a live stage production of it so we went to Vegas to see it it was a lot of fun and the play was horrible I mean, I really felt for the cast Because they were given it their all But it was a dumpy set The the technicians were The mics were shorting out

And the sound was tinny You couldn't hear what they were saying That you couldn't hear them articulate words The music was on a crappy sound system There was like four props on stage And the actors were great They gave it their all But they were working

in the worst circumstances. And so me and this beautiful girl, wonderful woman, we just got really drunk. We just sat there and kept chugging the beers, man. She liked beer, I liked beer. We just kept drinking them. And the more we drank, the funnier the stupid play got. It was the worst.

But we made the best out of it. And it was a lot of fun. What was cool was on the way to Vegas. If you drive through Vegas, you can go right down the highway from L.A. to Las Vegas. And you're still cutting through the majority of the drive is desert, bleak desert. But there's also back roads you can take to get there. It takes a little longer, but it's a lot more scenic. You don't have any traffic.

And you can stop and get out. So what I was doing is I was stopping and getting out and taking pictures. and we were looking at stuff. And the roads back that way, a lot of them, the pigment of the road, I don't know what they used to pave the roads, but it's almost like radish in color. It looks like that velvet cheesecake.

I don't know if you've ever had velvet cheesecake cake, but it's that dark kind of crimson red. And so it's really interesting. And so, you know, after the experience, I had such a good time, and it was fun and enchanting and kind of sexy. And I thought, you know, I'm going to write a poem about it, you know, about the drive out there, you know? And so what the hell? I might as well share this poem with you guys.

Why not? We went from a stoned coyotes. And by the way, this ties in a bit. When we left for the trip, the girl said, and I'm not naming her name because this is kind of private. right, so I don't want to name names. But she said, she made a point of saying, I hope we see a roadrunner when we drive through the desert. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I was like, yeah, I hope we do too. And guess what? Sure enough, about halfway through, a damn roadrunner ran across the road, a real live roadrunner. Meep, meep.

Yeah, it was great. It was just, you know, it's one of those things that makes road trips kind of fun and enchanting. When you kind of will things to happen, you open the mystic door and will things to happen. And a lot of times they do. And this was just great. It helps set the tone for the trip and blah, blah, blah. So I wrote this poem about it, a road trip through the desert to Vegas. I'm going to read it because, you know, why waste it?

But it's so funny, I found it in my phone, deep in my phone. And I thought, you know what? Let's get it out there. Let's read it. So, Roger, give me some mood music, man. Give me some mood sounds, you know, something cool, deserty. and I'm going to get into my poetry reading voice and here it is my trip through the desert, the beautiful girl on the way to Vegas

to watch the Evil Dead live on stage. Cue me, Raj. winding down the velvet highway the desert speeding by mountain ridges climbing into the cloudless sky by my side with sparkling eyes and a smile a mile wide sits a girl with dimpled cheeks and a beauty she can't hide wind in hair a sexy stare at adventure in their minds. Around each dusty corner, not sure what they will find. Then, out there in the bleakness, amongst the sand and stone, a flower bloom so beautiful, growing all alone. And then she stood beside it, and the flower was no longer one. Two blossoms stood together, the blazing desert sun. And I took a picture of this moment, so I would always know that in the most rugged places, the delicate can grow. Then like the breeze, the moment passed, and the red road

took them away. Perhaps to return to this magical garden on another day, off to the horizon they drove into the city lights and held and kissed so passionately throughout the vaguest night. Wow. There it is, my little poem. I guess the part you might be wondering about is the flower blossom. in the middle of the desert.

We stopped to take pictures out in the middle of nowhere and it was just desert and sand and cactus and we looked down and raided our feet there was a beautiful, beautiful flower blossoming in the middle of all that dry, desolate landscape. And it was almost like, wow, where did this come from? Like it just seemed improbable

that this beautiful, lush, colorful flower would be growing in this region. And so I took a beautiful picture of this beautiful girl beside this beautiful flower. So great memories, great times, and I hope you enjoyed a little taste of my desert road trip to see the evil dead through the desert. And no, we did not encounter any stoned coyotes, okay? We did see the roadrunner dudes, but we didn't see like the stone coyote. Meep, meep, meep. Hello?

Hello? Hey, Harland, it's Shelley. I just wanted to say that I am a proud premium member, and I thought your last episode was really good, so very much enjoyed hearing that episode where you were doing impromptu on the spot stand-up. I thought you did an excellent job, so that was awesome. And additionally, I thought your periscope was really good,

and it was neat to see Little Coco. I think that's what his name was. So just wanted to pass on some kudos. Talk to you soon. Bye. Oh, thanks, Shelly. That was a super nice phone call. I do appreciate that.

Shelly's referring to the premium membership here at the Harland Highway. You can get it for $20 a year. And I did a stand-up comedy routine where all the topics were given to me live on stage. So I had no knowledge of any of the topics. And so I had to totally pull a stand-up comedy routine out of my you-know-what. And, of course, I was able to record it and was able to play it for the premium members. So I don't want you guys missing out on any of this premium content. So please join up only 20 bucks a year. And the next premium content coming out is, let's see,

it'll be in two days. Two days on February 10th, I will be releasing my other podcast called Let's Have a Fight and it's three verbal arguments, three fights. Between me and another stand-up comedy or celebrity, and the one in two days, guess who it is? It's Mr. Tom Green. So it's going to be an amazing fight. It's going to be a blast. And I hope you guys join the premium club for $20 a year and don't miss out on any more of this stuff. So thank you, Shelly.

You rock. And thank you for joining my Periscope. I don't know how many of you are on that, but I jump on there now. again and get silly so there you go um let's uh let's move on roj great great call thank you uh if you want to call me uh 323 739 43 30 that's 323 739 433 30 all right thanks thanks for your calls shelley oh oh well what do you know a ham sandwich okay so i'm sitting here and i'm rubbing. I can't say my beard. I'm going to say, I'm going to, I'm going to categorize it as my subbeard. Okay? I don't know if the ladies will know what I'm talking about, but I think some of you

will. If you have boyfriends or husbands that have beards or fathers or brothers or what have you, but it's like, it's like most guys with a manicured beard. I'm not talking about the guys with the big long beards but the guys with a you know the shorter beards um you know they usually have a defined like beard line on their chin or just on the top of their neck right under their chin and then once you get past that beard line it's kind of like clean most guys like shave up to the beard line so that their throat and neck are you know soft and cleanly shaved and you just see skin But sometimes when us men get lazy or feel uninspired or dirty or grimy or slimy and smelly, we just let it go.

And suddenly you've got your thick beard. But underneath the beard line is the subbeard where it's kind of patchy and it's kind of not as long as the other beard because it obviously hasn't grown as long, so it's just kind of, it looks like there's moss growing on your neck. Or it looks like you've, you ever seen mold growing in a garage or in drywall or, you know, in your bathroom?

It just looks like mold growing on a guy's neck. Basically, he looks like Swamp Thing. That comic book character from D.C., swamp thing. It's just kind of moss, these likes, lichen, if you will, lichen or growing on your throat, or lichen, whatever you want to pronounce it.

And it's just kind of grubby, and it seems like, you know, if you let it go for one or two days, it's like, okay, I'll just cut it off. But then if you kind of let it go for more than two days, you almost get this thing and go, ah, it's too long to cut. Or you start to go,

Well, everyone can see it. What's the point of cutting it? It's there. Everyone knows I've got mold neck. I've got lichen throat. Got boobonic plague, Adam's apple, whatever you want to call it. And then there's another thing that kicks in. It's kind of like neat to, as a guy,

it's one of those things we all have little areas of our bodies that we fondle. Like some people, you know, pull on their earlobes. Some people rub the tip of their nose. Some people, you know, twirl their hair. But for a lot of guys, I think they like, they like to rub the subbeard. Because it's like right under your jowls, right underneath your jawbone. And the skin under there is usually fairly soft. And then when you add a layer of like, you know, peach fuzz or like, you know,

pine martin hair or squirrel hair if you don't know what a pine martin is maybe mink it's a little bit of mink under your throat and so you kind of start rubbing it it's like one of those things when you're standing in line at chipotle waiting to make your order you're rubbing your pine martin throat people are like why is he scraping mold all over the place I hope his mold spores don't get on my Chipotle burrito ball. Christ. Excuse me, sir. Could you take your lichens outside and your black mold?

Christ, your mold spores are getting my salsa, sir. But I don't know. It's just one of those things. Your fingers go up and it's kind of like rubbing your fingertips through a carpet or something. I don't know. Am I the only dude that does this? I love it. I go from an enchanting mystical poem to talking about the mold growing on my throat. Great. Way to ruin the party there, Harland.

Premium member my ass. I'm quitting the whole podcast. Wait, what? I'm just saying, I don't know, is there anything on a woman that grows that she likes to touch? It's kind of neat because it's right on your face. You know, there's not that many other hairy areas on your body you can fondle. You can't sit at your desk and kind of rub your throat and look like you're in deep thought. I mean, you can, but you can't rub other hairy areas of your body. You can't lift your arm up and open your shirt.

and, you know, stroke your armpit hair. And people are like looking over their cubicles going, boy, Eddie's sure in deep thought over there. Look at him, just staring at the roof, rubbing his pit so thoughtfully and deeply. Right? You can't just start, you know, running your fingers through your pubis. You can't twirl your anus hairs in little circles while you sit there and daydream in your cubicle. So maybe some of you're doing it right now.

It sounds like it. So I'm just saying the subbeard, it looks like, holy hell. It looks like a pipe burst in somebody's bathroom while they're on vacation in Miami for three weeks. and they came home and mold was growing in their bathroom. But on the other side, it's very calming and soothing. So there you go. I just thought I'd bring it up. The subbeard.

Ladies, if you, if you, you know, if you're wondering about it, try growing one. Take some hormones or something or rub sardine oil on your throat. See if hairs start to grow. I don't know how hair grows. But I'm going to leave you ponderance. the beautiful visual of either me stroking my subbeard or some creep in his cubicle twirling his anus hairs well he does his accounting so there you go

um hey i want to thank everyone for being on the podcast today or listening to the podcast i should say i must say um let me tell you about some stand-up comedy dates. This weekend, February 11th through the 14th. Yes, that's Valentine's Day. I will be at the Orlando Improv. Yes, the Orlando Improv, ladies and gentlemen. Down there in Florida, great club. Please come by. Orlando Improv, February 11th. through the 14th, Sunday night will probably be a cool Valentine's Day night. Great way to spend time getting romantic with your loved one, coming to a club and sing me live, staring into my neck mold.

And then later in the month, February 25th through the 28th, yours truly, will be at the House of Comedy. in Scottsdale, Arizona. Oh, yes. Fun. Great club. Also in March, March 10th through the 13th. I'll be at the Houston Improv. Get down there. And then in April, look out, the comedy party is starting. Ferdl Nurgans and Gaborgans. Okay? Let me tell you about the comedy party. Thank you very much. This is going to be cool, man.

This is four comedians for the price of one, okay? It's me, Polly Shore, Tom Green, Bobby Lee, and some great theaters. We're going to be in Illinois and Iowa. We'll be at the Rialto Square Theater in Joliet, Illinois. Joliet, April 4th, or sorry, April 7th, one night only. Rialto Square Theater in Joliet, Illinois.

April 7th, then the next night we'll be at the Coronado Art Center in Rockford, Illinois. That is the 8th of April, and then the next night we're going to top it off at the Five Flags Arena in Dubuque, Iowa. That's the 9th of April. Get your tickets at my website, Harlem Williams.com. It is called The Comedy Party, because it is going to be a party, man. We are going to have fun. Polly Shore, Tom Green, Bobby Lee from Mad TV, yours, truly Harland Williams, beautiful theaters. It really is worth the money, and we hope we see you guys there.

It's going to be a blast, all four of us on stage. And like I said, go to Harlan Williams.com, click on my comedy tour link, and you can get your tickets right there. You can order them right there on the site. Also, while you're there, check out our store, Harlem Williams.com merchandise store. Lots of great gifts, lots of cool merch for you guys to enjoy. T-shirts, books, music, digital downloads, yada, yada, yada, yada. And what else? What else? What else? What else? Like I said, please join the premium content package. 20 bucks a year.

Go to your app store and download the Harland Highway. And you can have the podcast on your cell phone whatever you want. So there you go. So that's it, gang. We will leave it there for now. I hope you are having a great time in life. Hopefully this podcast is adding to that.

And great to have you here. Until next time, chicken, chamein, baby. Neat, meep, meep, meep.