The Harland Highway - 740 - VALENTINE SHOW - Elvis love songs. Dr. Debbie Thymer love advice.

Episode Date: February 11, 2016

It's the VALENTINE podcast with Elvis love songs, Dr. Debbie Thymer with relationship advice, and talk about LOVE. Thump Thump Bump!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, my little lovers out there in Lovers Lane. How are you? Okay, that sounded creepy. I was trying to be all romantic and lovety-dovey, because this is, you know, this is the Valentine's podcast, man. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm Harlan Williams, your host, your moderator, and this is a very special romantic, you know, Valentine. Hines podcast. Tomorrow's the big day. It's the 14th.

Or no, not tomorrow, but coming up on Sunday is the 14th. I'm so love-struck that I can't think right. So to celebrate, we're going to have, we're going to be, Roger tells me we're going to be singing some Elvis Presley love songs. It doesn't get any more romantic than that, gang. apparently Dr. Debbie Timer, the life coach who frequents the show, is going to be giving love tips, talking to people about their relationships. I'm going to be discussing, you know, the actual day, Valentine's Day, what it's like. Is it too much for some people?

Is it not enough for some people? The psychology of Valentine's Day? and all kinds of cool stuff. So here we go. It's the Harland Highway. What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway.

What you're talking about Wool? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happened? Hey, Harland, it's Shelby. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing not because they are easy but because they are hard that is fantastic that's wrong with everybody in this crazy place the harland highway what is it opening to what to another dimension this is harland williams you're a bad man you're a very bad man that is fantastic Hi, all you lovers out there. How are you? Stimpy, you idiot. Hey, happy Valentine's Day.

It's coming up. This is going to be our Valentine's show. Roger, my producer in the booth here, told me that today's show is all about themes of love and romance, and it's going to be really, I don't know, it's probably the type of podcast you want. want to listen to with your partner. You want to hold their hand. You want to dim the lights, light a scented candle, maybe get down to your underpants or your lingerie and just kind

of staring at each other's eyes, rub olive oil all over each other, and just stare at each other while you listen to this podcast. What? Who? What do you mean somebody's singing love song? Rogers, okay, well, I guess we're getting started. We're going to have somebody singing love song. Elvis? Oh, great. Good, good, good. I love Elvis Presley.

He has some great. What song? Oh, I can't help falling in love with you. Perfect for Valentine's Day. All right, who's calling in to sing? What? The koala? What, that idiot koala for?

from the zoo is always drunk on eucalyptus leaves? No, I'm not having that guy in. We're not listening. We're not putting him on the phone from the zoo. No, that's the exact opposite of romantic. Forget it. No, don't put him on. Don't put him on.

Get him off, I don't want him on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good Lord, is he choking on something? Get him off! That's not singing, it sounds horrible. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, good Lord, hang up on that freak. Hang up! He's retarded! He's choking on something!

Hang up! Holy fuck! Turn the music off! Turn it off! Jesus H. Christ on a John Deere tractor, Roger! What the hell? I started this podcast all nice and sweet, and it immediately spiraled into that idiot. We do not need a koala singing love songs from the zoo.

What else do you got? Can we talk about love, romance? Who? Dr. Debbie Timer? Now, now you're talking, okay? There's someone that understands the human behavior, the psychology of love. Dr. Debbie Timer is a life coach who frequents our show. People call in and get advice from Dr. Debbie Timer.

Now that's someone who we should have on the show. Perfect. Is she on the line? Okay, put her through so I can go down to the cafeteria and have a cold drink and calm down. Here she is Dr. Debbie Timer with her life coach stuff. Put it through, Roger. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life.

Hi, I'm Dr. Derek. and welcome. I'm your life coach. And this is a very special, special edition of Dr. Debbie Timer on Valentine's Day. And we're going to take your calls from all over the country and I'm going to hear what's on your mind. And I'm going to try and help cure what else do. You can call me about your relationship issues or sexual issues. There's no walls or secrets here with Dr. Debbie Thimer. And I'm ready to talk with you and help state your life straight on the right course. So let's jump all the way to, uh, looks like we have a call from Michigan.

Hello, caller. You're on the air with your life coach, Dr. Debbie Timer. Oh, hi. Hi, Dr. Debbie. Hello, child. How are you? I'm good, Dr. Debbie. I'm so excited to be on the radio with you today. Well, it's great to have you, and you're from Michigan, Child? Yes, I'm from Detroit, Michigan. I'm very excited. Well, just calm down and tell me what's on your mind.

Well, I'm a little nervous to talk in front of people, Dr. Debbie. Well, it's okay, child. You're on the radio. No one can see you so you can say whatever you want. You're in a safe place with Dr. Debbie Timer. Thank you so much, Dr. Debbie. You remind me of a teddy bear with beady little eyes. Um, okay.

Well, if that's what makes you feel safe, then that's okay. Um, thank you, Dr. Debbie Dimer. Okay, what's on your mind, child? Well, um, I wanted to talk about, um, my boyfriend and something he does that makes me very uncomfortable. Okay, well, that's why we're here. feel free to open up and tell me, what does he do, child, that makes you feel uncomfortable? Well, Dr. Debbie, sometimes he squirts in my face. Excuse me, child?

He squirts all over my face. Um, okay. Um... And sometimes he squirts weight in my eyes, and it stings, Dr. Debbie. Ow! Oh! Oh, oh, it burns. It burns when he squirts on my eyes, Dr. Debbie. It really burns and stings, Dr. Debbie timer.

Okay, calm down. Um, where does this happen, child, in the bedroom? It happens sometimes at the kitchen table and some... Oh, my goodness, are you telling me your boyfriend squirts in your face at the kitchen table, child? Yes, Dr. Debbie Thimer, and it hurts. It burns my eyes like there's fire on my face, Dr. Debbie Thimer. Okay, let's, um, you don't have to say my, you don't have to say my whole name, child. Okay, Debbie Thimer. No, what I meant is you don't have to say my last name. Okay, child, just stick to the first name.

Oh, I understand. So just Dr. Debbie and no thimer? That's right, child. So he squirts on your face in the kitchen? Right at the kitchen table. It goes right in my eyes and it hurts like as if Satan was pissing on my face. Okay. Let's, let's, I'll save the descriptive terms for me, child.

But it feels like Satan's pissing right in my irises. Dr. Debbie? Ha ha! Hee he. Ha! He! Okay, let's stop with the fucked-up laugh.

Oh, okay. Um, should you be swearing at me? Well, it's hard for me to focus, child, when you're laughing like a demented child

with her head being smashed in an elevator door. Oh, I see. Dr. Thimer? Stop calling me thimer, child. Okay, Dr. Debbie. And stop the fucking laughing, you fucking mental fucking tea bag.

Okay, Dr. Debbie. But what about when he squirts all over my face? So you're telling me, you'll be in the kitchen, you'll have spontaneous sex, he will pull down his pants, pull out whatever, and ejaculate in your eyes? Pardon me, Dr. Debbie Dimer? Well, you said he squirts in your eyes. Is he ejaculating on your face? What are you talking about, Dr. Debbie?

You just said, you fucking retard, that he squirts his ejaculate in your eyes. I don't know what that means. In the mornings, I give him grapefruit, and he cuts the grapefruits, and they squirt in my eyes, and it burns. Ah! It burns like Satan.

Okay, stop the fucking screaming, you douchebuckhead mental case. Pardon, he-he, you're not talking to me, are you, doctor? Stop the fucking laughing, you fucking windmill-sucking, fucknard. Stop the fucking laughing, you fucking pit-nard. Stop the fucking laughing, you fucking pat-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. potato salad shit machine. You know, Dr. Debbie! Are you telling me this whole time

you've been talking about your boyfriend cutting open a fucking grapefruit at the breakfast table? Yes, Dr. Debbie, and sometimes it's squirts. Right in my eyes like Satan pulled his red ass cheeks open and farted Satan's gas in my eyes. Okay, you know what? You're a fucking idiot

and someone needs to put your head in a fish tank and start a fucking motorboat on your face. That sounds scary, Dr. Debbie. Shut the fuck up. Hang up on this fucking idiot. Hang up. Stop the fucking laughing. Fuck.

Okay, you know what? We're going to take a break and we'll come back with some more callers if someone has a real issue they'd like to share with your life coach Dr. Debbie Thimer is that fucking idiot gone

someone go fucking put a paper bag on her head and smack her in the head with a ripe cunt you need many years of therapy many many many fucking years of therapy well I hope Boy, that was a rough Dr. Debbie session there. I hope she's okay.

Anyways, I hope your Valentine's Day is good. You know, this is the eternal dilemma when it comes to matters of the heart, when it comes to romance. You know, you have to kind of dole it out carefully because, you know, how many of you in life have found that if you overdo it, or someone overdoes it to you. In other words, if you overdo it, buying gifts, if you overdo it, you know, laying all this adoration and all these mementos of love, you buy them chocolates, you buy them flowers,

you buy, you know, you just like pile it on. And it's legit, you really do love your partner and you're so enthusiastic and so bursting with love that you kind of like think you're doing the right thing by showing it all but then she or he are like oh god

this guy's really crowding my space this is too much it's like love should be a blanket to keep me warm love shouldn't be zipped in a Walmart sleeping bag with popcorn fart Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know? And so it can work both ways. I don't know.

You've probably, if you're like me, you've probably been on. on both ends of it. I've been on the end where I'm just like, oh my God, I love this girl so much, and I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do that, and I'm going to get tickets to the opera, and then I'm going to have a waiter set up a table at the end of the dock with candles and lobster, and then we're going to check into the Ritz Carlton, and there'll be like champagne waiting by the bed, and da-da-da-bum, da-da-da-ding. and you think you're being amazing and great and they're kind of like a little much

and then I've been on the other end of that spectrum too where it's so amazing when someone just is gushing all over you like what more does anyone really want in life right but then when it happens it can I guess somehow it can at times be a little overbearing a little overpowering and it can inadvertently cause an adverse reaction to all the romance and the love in the air. Now, luckily, that doesn't happen all the time, but every now and then, it's just like, okay, enough, you gave me the card, you gave me the chocolates, you, I get it, you like me a little bit, okay, I'm grateful.

Um, and I know that sounds a bit weird. It probably sounds like, you know, geez, Harland. Why don't you just shut off the love nozzle? Geez, sorry for loving you, dude. No, no, no. I'm not saying that. I mean, it's, my God, it's, if anyone loves you in life, that is an honor. That is a privilege.

That is a miracle. You should never shun love. or turn someone's love away. Even if you can't return it romantically or whatever, you know, you should always feel the love. I'm just saying sometimes it can, it can maybe overburden you and maybe psychologically it can get to a point where someone's like loving on you so much, you feel guilty because then maybe you're like, am I worthy of all this love?

Am I able to reciprocate all this love? why does love have to be so psychological that's why maybe the best thing of all for valentine's day is you know don't get too crazy like just just go and check into a motel 6 asking for the dirtiest room they got just go in there for two hours go nuts she wears a cheerleader outfit you wear a cop uniform

just like shake the driver wall break the bed you know leave all the towels dirty on the floor the shower's still dripping when you leave the windows are foggy the sheets smell like golden corral there's your valentines baby there's your love no no that actually sounds horrible now that i say it out loud i'll take the Waldorf and the lobster and the candlelight and the beautiful woman dressed elegantly with the red lipstick and the pearl necklace and the slicked back hair and a bun and the long slinky velvet dress, the black stockings and the heels. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But it is an interesting dance, and I guess what I'm saying is it is awkward when one of you is out of whack.

when one of you isn't feeling all the romance as much as the other is, it can get a little weird. So I hope everything is in balance for you guys as you progress through this wonderful romantic day. Happy Valentine's Day. In the spring, a young man's love lightly turns to thoughts of fancy. Keep your guard up, cherries. Hello, young lover, whoever you are.

I am Pepe Lepeu. Everyone should have a hobby, don't you think? Mine is making love. You are a girl, I am a boy. We have all that in common, darling. May I call you, darling? Okay, Raj, what are we doing now? What is that music? What is that music? Is that the Elvis again? No, no. Turn it off. I don't want

that idiot koala singing again. He better not be singing. Roger, don't do it. Don't you do. Roger, he's got something in his throat. Get him off. Get him off now. He's drunk. He's got something in his throat. And people don't want to hear a koala singing Elvis. Good Christ. Turn the stupid Elvis off. Turn it off. Hang it up. Can we please end on something romantic? You do know this is the Valentine show, right? You know, Debbie Timer had a mental case kid. We got Elvis, a koala singing Elv. I mean, come on, guy. Can we keep this a little romantic here?

What? Yeah, now that's a good idea. I'll read a poem. A love poem. Send it through. Okay, hold on. Roger's sending through. You know what, we're near the end of the Valentine show.

So what we'll do is that yet that was a good idea, Roger. Thank you. that makes up for the other crap What I'm going to do is I'm going to read a nice love poem to end out the show so all of you can kind of get in the mood, get in a romantic state of mind

have a love-filled Valentine's weekend All right, I got it on my computer, yeah. All right, give me some nice soft music and let me read this this wonderful poem. I don't know what it's called, but here is the poem. Humidity is rising.

Barometers getting low. According to our sources, the streets, the place to go. Because tonight for the first time, just about half past ten, For the first time in history, it's going to start reigning men. It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men, amen. It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raining men.

Is this that stupid song, Roger? Keep reading. Well, it sounds like something. I've heard. Humidity is rising. Barometer's getting low. According to our sources, the street's the place to go. Because tonight for the first time, just about half-fast, Dan, for the first time, it's going to start raining men. It's raining, man. It's raining, man. Hold on. I'm going to go out. I'm going to let myself get absolutely soaking wet. It's raining, tall, blonde, dark and lean, rough and tough, and strong and mean. Come on! These are the lyrics to its reigning men. What's the matter with you?

No, no, no, no. Cuck, turn it off. No. Oh, come on. Gonna let myself get absolutely soaking wet. Turn it off, Roger. Oh no, not you again. Get the koal off. Get them out of here.

Get them out of here. Get him out, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hey. Turn it off. Get them out. Turn it off. Get them out. Valentine's is over. Turn it off. the show. Go ahead, sing koala. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what, you just ruined Valentine's, dude.

I got to end it right there. A koala bear singing, I'm going to get absolutely soaking wet. It's raining men. You've got to be kidding me, man. Shutting it down. Sorry, folks, for the worst Valentine's Day ever podcast. Koala singing its raining, man. Are you kidding me?

What a dillweed. Let's get to some announcements. For a cheerier time, for those of you that want to see me do some stand-up comedy and have some fun, I'll be in Scottsdale, Arizona, February 25th through the 28th at the House of Comedy. Unbelievable club. You're going to love it. You're going to absolutely love it. And then after that, in March, in March, I will be in Houston, Texas, man, March 10th through the 13th at the good old improv.

The improv in Houston, Texas, boy. So check it out, Scottsdale, Arizona. February, February 25th through the 28th, and then over to the Houston Improv, March 10th to the 13th. Great clubs. Come and enjoy the giggles. Just go to Harlandwiliams.com. Click on my stand-up tour link, and you are in, baby.

You can see all my club dates. Also in April. Oh, my God, in April. If you live in the Midwest, are you kidding me? The Comedy Party is coming to the Midwest in April. And the comedy party is Polly Shore, Tom Green, Bobby Lee from Mad TV, and me, Harlem Williams. April 7, 8th, and 9th. One night only at beautiful theaters.

Joliet, Illinois. April 7th, Rialto Square Theater, the Coronado Arts Center, Rockford, Illinois, April 8th, and the Five Flags Arena in Dubuque, Iowa, April 9th. Once again, all the tickets can be purchased at Harlan Williams.com. It's four great comedians on one stage, folks. Polly Shore, Tom Green, Harlan Williams, Bobby Lee, We are going to rock it out, man.

The comedy party, it's called. Please get your tickets. And if you want to write to the podcast, you can write to me there at harlomwilliams.com. There's a contact link. If you want to leave a phone message, 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. Rock and roll. Also, please join our premium app. You don't want to miss out on all the amazing bonus material on our premium app

As a matter of fact, if you had the premium app, you would have heard yesterday We released my other podcast, Episode 4 Let's Have a Fight between me and Tom Green, a verbal smackdown, three rounds. Real fun stuff. So 20 bucks a year to join. um the premium package that's next to nothing so i urge you to do that uh get the harland highway app on your cell phone just go to your app store type in the harland highway boom it's free it's totally free you get the most current 50 episodes free and then if you want the premium package

20 bucks love it love it love it and why won't i love it the l word it's it's valentines man Um, so there you go. I'm going to leave it right there for you, you sweet lovers out there. It's raining men, hallelujah. It's raining women, hallelujah. I hope you have a very special Valentine's Day, a very romantic Valentine's Day weekend. Remember, love is really the only thing that matters in the world. Money and fame and fortune and cars and all the crap, all the work. all the stuff that you get cluttered up in your head. At the end of the day, love is what makes the world go around, right?

So celebrate your love, and here's me wishing you all the best, sending my love to you, and have a great Valentine's Day. And until next time, chicken, chameen, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.